Книга - Home body. Белые стихи, которые обнимают и дарят любовь
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Home body. ,
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, Milk and honey, 39 .
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PDF A4 .
Home body. ,
after feeling disconnected for so long my mind and body are finally coming back to each other
home body
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home body
RUPI KAUR
home body
Copyright 2020 Rupi Kaur, this translation published by arrangement with The Cooke Agency International, CookeMcDermid Agency, and Synopsis Literary Agency. Originally published in English by Andrews McMeel Publishing and Simon & Schuster
., , 2023
, . , 2023
mind /
im in the darkest room of my life
.
maybe i walked out of the womb with it
is it possible to be born
with such a melancholy spirit
maybe it met me at the airport
slid into my passport
and remained with me
long after we landed in
a country that did not want us
maybe it was on my fathers face
when he met us in baggage claim
and i had no idea who he was
maybe the rapist left it behind
or was it that criminal i called a boyfriend
maybe he beat it into me
maybe i met the one
and lost him
maybe it was the love
of my lifes parting gift
or maybe
it was all of those things at once
where the depression came from
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why do i let my mind
get under my skin
i am so sensitive
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my mind keeps running off to dark corners
and coming back with reasons for
why i am not enough
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sex is a way for people to
transcend into each other
and come apart
a beautiful earthy expression
but for me
sex was my girlhood
dragged to death
he said
we were going to play
then he always locked the door
always chose the game
when i told him to stop
he said i was asking for it
but what did i know
about involuntary orgasms
and agency
and consent
at age 7. 8. 9. and 10.
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7. 8. 9. 10.
ill be quiet when
we can say sexual assault
and they
stop screaming liar
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depression is silent
you never hear it coming
and suddenly its
the loudest voice in your head
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my mind
my body
and i
all live in one place
but it feels like we are
three completely different people
disconnected
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while everyone else
was living their life in color
depression froze me in place
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nothing lasts forever
let that be the reason you stay
even this sick twisted misery
will not last
hope
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i have never known anything more
quietly loud than anxiety
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if you could accept
that perfection is impossible
what would you stop obsessing over
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you are lonely
but you are not alone
there is a difference
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it feels like im watching my life happen through a fuzzy television screen. ifeel far away from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory has been wiped clean from the bowl of my mind. iclose my eyes and i cant remember what happy feels like. my chest collapses into my stomach knowing that i have to get up in the morning and pretend im not fading away all over again. iwant to reach out and touch things. iwant to feel them touch me back. iwant to live. iwant the vitality of my life back
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abuse doesnt just happen
in romantic relationships
abuse can live
in friendships too
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i walked offstage
once the show was over
and prayed for the misery to
stop eating me alive
i was sick
and pretending not to be sick
at least performing kept me moving
coming home to an
empty apartment was worse
without work i had nothing to look forward to
id sink into the depression for months
half passed out from the grief
eyes open
mind lost in another dimension
write the book they said
get back on the road again
whats taking you so long
empty
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i want to live
im just afraid
i wont measure up to the
idea people have of me in their heads
im afraid of getting older
scared ill never write anything
worth reading again
that ill disappoint the people
who are counting on me
that ill never learn how to be happy
that ill be broke again one day
that my parents will die
and ill be alone in the end
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being molested as a child has been the most confusing experience of my life. to learn sex without having any concept of it has messed me up in more ways than im aware of. to feel an orgasm so young. to have my life threatened. to be stretched. bruised. bit. spit on. to become a woman at the age of four. to know fear intimately. have it breathe down my neck. to be numb. stiff. silent. and own all the worlds shame at once.
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the need to survive
lit a fire in me
.
i want to be snapped
cracked
hammered into
i want to open where i am closed
find the secret door
let me out of me
i want something to
hold me by the neck
split me down the middle
and make me feel alive again
i dont want to be numb anymore
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i am trusting the uncertainty
and believing i will
end up somewhere
right and good
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there is nothing wrong with you
this is growth
this is transformation
protecting yourself
getting lost in the noise
figuring it out
feeling used
uncared for
losing hope
burning out
this is fear
this is processing
this is surviving
this is being alive
journey
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you lose everything
when you dont love yourself
and gain everything when you do
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i am not my worst days
i am not what happened to me
reminder
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there are whole blackouts
in some of the years i have lived
my therapist says our minds erase trauma
to help us move on
but every experience ive had
is memorized in my flesh
even if my mind forgets
my body remembers
my body is the map of my life
my body wears what its been through
my body signals the alarms when
it thinks danger is coming
and suddenly
the hungry little demons from my past
come raging out of my flesh
screaming
dont you forget us
dont you ever try to
leave us behind again
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im either romanticizing the past
or im busy worrying about the future
its no wonder
i dont feel alive
im not living
in the only moment thats real
present
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anxiety feels like im hanging
off the side of a building
and my hand is going to
slip any second
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how can i be so
cruel to myself
when im doing the best i can
be gentle
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list of things to heal your mood:
1)cry it. walk it. write it. scream it. dance it out of your body.
2)if after all that
you are still
spiraling out of control
ask yourself if sinking into the mud is worth it
3)the answer is no
4)the answer is breathe
5)sip tea and feel your nervous system settle
6)you are the hero of your life
7)this feeling doesnt have power over you
8)the universe has prepared you to handle this
9)no matter how dark it gets
the light is always on its way
10)you are the light
11)walk yourself back to where the love lives
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i am not broken
because of the depression
i am not a lesser version of myself
because of the anxiety
i am a whole
complete
and complicated person
full
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i am loving myself out of the dark
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im breathing arent i
thats gotta be a sign that
the universe is on my side
if ive made it this far
i can make it all the way
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imagine what we could accomplish if
we didnt have to spend our energy
protecting ourselves from
societys rapist problem
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most of my life has been spent
with the two of us touching
skin to skin
our nights together
and sometimes our days
you carried me when my limbs refused to
when i was so sick i could not move
not once did you tire of my weight
not once did you complain
youve witnessed all my dreams
my sex
my writing
my weeping
every vulnerable act of my life
has been with you
the two of us knee-deep in laughter
and when ive been a fool to trust a fool
made love on top of you
left for days only to
return empty-handed
you always took me back
when sleep abandoned me
we lay awake together
you are the embrace of my life
my confessional
my altar
i went from girl to woman on top of you
and in the end
it will be you old friend
delivering me to death well rested
there is no place more intimate than a bed
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you didnt lose it
happiness has always been here
you just lost perspective
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what we lived through
is living in us
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i am not a victim of my life
what i went through
pulled a warrior out of me
and it is my greatest honor to be her
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for the love of my life
i am trying my best to have hope
ill keep greeting each morning
with an i will
when it feels like i cant
i will
i will
i will
meet a day that will melt me
i will move and the sadness will
fall off my shoulders
to make room for joy
i will be full of color
i will touch the sky again
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i want a parade
i want music
i want confetti
i want a marching band
for the ones surviving in silence
i want a standing ovation
for every person who
wakes up and moves toward the sun
when there is a shadow
pulling them back on the inside
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our pain is the doorway to our joy
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im tired of being disappointed
in the home that keeps me alive
im exhausted by the energy it takes
to hate myself
im putting the hate down
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heart /
sometimes
i love you means
i want to love you
sometimes
i love you means
ill stay a little while longer
sometimes
i love you means
im not sure how to leave
sometimes
i love you means
i have nowhere else to go
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i have difficulty separating
abusive relationships
from healthy ones
i cant tell the difference
between love and violence
it all looks the same
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i was trying to make him the one
and it took me three years to realize
love doesnt work like that
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men like him are experts at
smelling out girls like me
the invisible ones
who believe they must be ugly
because their fathers didnt love them
he said my name
and i had never heard my name
dance off a mans lips before
give a little attention
to someone whos never had any
and theyll be slipping and falling
all over the place
unable to contain the joy
of being wanted
the relief of being discovered
he groomed me into thinking
i couldnt survive without him
this is how men like him
trap girls like me
predator
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, (https://www.litres.ru/pages/biblio_book/?art=68483437) .
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- Жанр: Зарубежная поэзия, Стихи и поэзия
- Теги: двуязычная литература (билингва), сборники стихотворений, белые стихи, Женская лирика, Лирическая поэзия
- Язык: Книги на русском языке
- Объём: 120 стр. 106 иллюстраций
- Дата написания: 2020
- Возрастные ограничения: 18+
- ISBN: 978-5-04-177735-7
- Версия: 📚 Электронная книга
Долгожданная третья книга Рули Каур, автора мирового бестселлера «Milk and honey», переведенного на 39 языков и проданного тиражом три миллиона экземпляров.
«home body» – это сборник откровенных разговоров с самим собой. Облекая сложные чувства в слова, Рули Каур пишет о том, что волнует, но часто не произносится вслух: насилии, токсичной любви, потерях и депрессии. Каждая страница поможет снять с себя оковы прошлого, мешающего жить, открыть свое сердце миру и любви. Ее чувственная и смелая поэзия захватывает с первых строк.
Переводы стихов публикуются вместе с оригинальными текстами на английском языке.
В формате PDF A4 сохранен издательский макет книги.
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