Книга - The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten

The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten
Martha Sears

William Sears


In THE GOOD BEHAVIOUR BOOK, Dr. William and Martha Sears, the paediatrics specialists whose books on birth, babies, and parenting have become widely praised best-sellers, provide a definitive guide to raising happy, well-adjusted, well-behaved children.Disciplining children means equipping them with the tools to succeed in life. In this unique guide, seasoned parents of eight, Bill and Martha Sears draw on personal experience and their professional knowledge as childcare experts to provide an authoritative approach to a broad range of disciplinary issues and practices.With focus on preventing behaviour problems as well as managing them when they arise, the Searses offer clear, practical advice on everything parents need to know about disciplining young children. Believing that discipline starts at birth, the Searses discuss baby discipline, disciplining the toddler, mother-father roles in modern parenting, saying no, self-esteem as the foundation of good behaviour, helping a child to express feelings, the constructive use of anger, good nutrition for good behaviour, and sleep discipline.On handling problem behaviour, the Searses cover sibling rivalry, spanking and alternatives to spanking, breaking annoying habits, and eliminating bothersome behaviours like whining and talking back. The Searses strongly advocate teaching children values like apologising and sharing, and explain how to deal with such issues as lying, stealing, and cheating.In addition, the Searses address building healthy sexuality and discipline in special situations such as after divorce and in the single-parent household.









the good behaviour book

How to have a better-behaved child

from birth to age ten

Dr William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N.

Edited by Caroline Deacon










copyright (#ulink_1107bbec-587d-5e76-80e8-58656fbd8290)


Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)

HarperThorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

First published by Little, Brown and Company 1995

This revised and updated edition published in 2005 by Thorsons

Copyright © William Sears and Martha Sears 1995, 2005

William Sears and Martha Sears assert the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780007198245

Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2014 ISBN: 9780007374304

Version: 2016-10-20




contents


Cover (#ue2217f0c-99e7-5818-9501-420b88f2200f)

Title Page (#u7d4d06ca-a2ce-50c3-9f7b-63edd671b723)

Copyright (#ue3892d60-59e4-5d5f-83a7-720e0daff800)

A Word About Discipline from Dr Bill and Martha (#u85980e6a-51d1-5c3e-9aaf-195f8c7eca70)

I: Promoting Desirable Behaviour (#ua1284f80-9816-5473-b925-872fc46d3ffe)

Chapter 1: (#ub30f935c-e844-5151-99a0-cb65a45fbc4a)Our Approach to Discipline (#ub30f935c-e844-5151-99a0-cb65a45fbc4a)

Styles of Discipline (#ulink_aafb4025-8074-57ed-8667-d72244850c88)

Discipline’s Top Ten – An Overview of This Book (#ulink_4a41de32-4c46-5a3c-9fc3-2f8671fb967d)

Chapter 2: (#uc08f4de2-a9eb-5013-ab6d-1b538ed66a29)Birth to One Year: Getting Connected (#uc08f4de2-a9eb-5013-ab6d-1b538ed66a29)

Martha and Matthew – How They Got Connected (#ulink_37386ace-3b4c-5ae7-90ea-a46f42aaca99)

Attachment Parenting – The Key to Early Discipline (#ulink_871eef34-f2dc-5896-865b-cb298a810cdc)

How Attachment Parenting Makes Discipline Easier (#ulink_7b7f8ebe-35a4-5559-b190-9902a085350a)

Chapter 3: (#u765d195b-8e83-56dd-a1c9-ab3765142e89)Understanding Ones, Twos, and Threes (#u765d195b-8e83-56dd-a1c9-ab3765142e89)

How Toddlers Act – And Why (#ulink_e8a92026-c93b-594b-85dd-f8128e14f3c9)

Talking with Toddlers: What They Can Understand, What They Can’t (#ulink_193f4314-5e41-509d-ac5c-0e44ec99d58b)

Channelling Toddler Behaviours (#ulink_66afbe6d-ec02-578a-b590-9908cc3adb01)

Providing Structure (#ulink_6726fbe6-3947-5dd8-8137-360c01576097)

Going from Oneness to Separateness: Behaviours to Expect (#ulink_e47c7203-a88c-5112-b33f-271c12876ba1)

Helping a Toddler Ease into Independence (#ulink_b0d9db96-02ea-5f35-a483-da3ef4482ff1)

From Two to Three (#ulink_3995bc50-8e1f-5a37-8bb6-97cd55938e07)

Discipline Gets Easier (#ulink_6b25f7c8-35cb-5c19-ab4b-5f8d6468ad48)

Chapter 4: (#u24045bf5-400c-5f54-aec9-e6dc21855a17)Saying no Positively (#u24045bf5-400c-5f54-aec9-e6dc21855a17)

The Importance of Saying No (#ulink_afdd7f29-4131-594a-9259-dafc2c42c262)

Creative Alternatives to “No” (#ulink_b3f1a69b-2261-58cc-9ed1-c6e899e00124)

Respectfully, No! (#ulink_888621b4-b853-54e4-874c-384eb9f4d14f)

Making Danger Discipline Stick (#ulink_710a53be-dc37-58a2-a681-4029979b3dfd)

Chapter 5: (#u2b6dd75c-0c80-5022-86c0-c0a37aae33bb)Taming Temper Tantrums (#u2b6dd75c-0c80-5022-86c0-c0a37aae33bb)

Why Tantrums? (#ulink_6fa11fc4-819a-581e-91d0-f33ffba0b4be)

Preventing Tantrums (#ulink_dc1d4831-2731-5542-884f-9cbca7ed63e5)

What to Do When the Volcano Erupts (#ulink_d67048a7-f6e1-5781-bbbe-a22d135ba693)

Handling and Preventing Tantrums in Older Children (#ulink_fa3b26e7-500a-5b2f-8377-35f5c9a57fb5)

Chapter 6: (#u64f36880-939e-59d7-a3c4-096412e82c9b)Fathers as Disciplinarians (#u64f36880-939e-59d7-a3c4-096412e82c9b)

Becoming a Dad: Bill’s Story (#ulink_284a5501-715e-5c4e-a892-65685f36eb5b)

Eight Tips to Help Fathers Become Disciplinarians (#ulink_dbd1c589-2a10-5bae-b4ae-0c659d6d5e75)

Chapter 7: (#u9e3e7637-29aa-545e-b209-ab0b5ee413a9)Self-esteem: The Foundation of Good Behaviour (#u9e3e7637-29aa-545e-b209-ab0b5ee413a9)

Ten Ways to Help Children Build Self-Confidence (#ulink_30bec88f-40fd-5935-ad80-475ff8346fec)

Chapter 8: (#uaafb1603-5649-522b-9426-f01938a2a29a)Helping Your Child Express Feelings (#uaafb1603-5649-522b-9426-f01938a2a29a)

Feelings: Expressing or Bottling Up? (#ulink_6239e5ec-05a0-5268-bbe4-56c7dea2f2f9)

How to Raise an Expressive Child (#ulink_4d77ff77-2b88-5575-b521-5e53f94642f3)

Chapter 9: (#uc33fa2d7-4bbd-538f-9d71-843366967f22)Making Anger Work for You (#uc33fa2d7-4bbd-538f-9d71-843366967f22)

Why Kids Get Angry (#ulink_2482dc33-469d-5e1d-995a-f00490c1f050)

How Adult Anger Affects Parenting – And Discipline (#ulink_7d05ac91-7090-5054-9322-3335cb364415)

Getting a Handle on Anger (#ulink_f61d7a44-8cea-5193-98a6-503394d9f161)

Peace for Parents (#ulink_27cadb34-c910-5bbb-956f-62952f42b18e)

Chapter 10: (#ube214a4c-ea31-51b1-a26f-e9bd9588ac5a)Feeding Good Behaviour (#ube214a4c-ea31-51b1-a26f-e9bd9588ac5a)

Foods That Bother Behaviour (#ulink_f8372e54-0912-50c8-a886-60b298898d3c)

Tracking Down Feel-Bad Foods (#ulink_e2f5fbc5-2d67-5c7e-8808-b5d1c48a9133)

Chapter 11: (#u800d5457-3e84-5d2d-ac81-a3e193533f88)Sleep Discipline (#u800d5457-3e84-5d2d-ac81-a3e193533f88)

What Every Parent Should Know About Babies’ Nighttime Needs (#ulink_5a77f02a-c570-535e-95d3-68a065a492c4)

Principles of Nighttime Discipline (#ulink_4b672087-1292-502a-b1e5-16df7d6f2c5a)

Handling Common Nighttime Discipline Problems (#ulink_45330cb9-e68e-5ce0-95dd-037bf20b7ba2)

II: Correcting Undesirable Behaviour (#u4a163dae-f789-5d69-884a-5b88318c3e14)

Chapter 12: (#u793d0d68-bb70-5035-9981-440590e93cc8)Smacking – no? yes? Sometimes? (#u793d0d68-bb70-5035-9981-440590e93cc8)

Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child (#ulink_aba1ebad-0ce2-5168-8f26-6248a5d044d8)

How to Avoid Smacking (#ulink_271d018c-7a7a-563a-8da2-4f7a7d09f857)

Chapter 13: (#u5ddae417-b410-54a9-aedf-a2d069f94756)Discipline by Shaping Behaviour: Alternatives to Smacking (#u5ddae417-b410-54a9-aedf-a2d069f94756)

Praise (#ulink_cb2f27a0-222d-5f4d-b2a1-88c39e13c809)

Selective Ignoring (#ulink_21d02162-bfe2-5956-b7fa-d60d45295b4a)

Time-out (#ulink_ba8890ef-a372-54c9-bda0-dd696007fc76)

Help Your Child Learn That Choices Have Consequences (#ulink_69ab692b-1a77-5f54-9865-9c622d403372)

Motivators (#ulink_dc9f852e-3ef9-5974-8925-e9b5a82e7a8e)

Reminders (#ulink_27d491f7-e593-55d7-ac54-242fc63db849)

The Art of Negotiating (#ulink_8790d887-5617-5032-9ab3-e8fb5e51a09a)

Withdrawing Privileges (#ulink_fab30817-2e49-5923-a802-557356acb84e)

Chapter 14: (#u1d9a45a2-4899-5fa3-8196-00a613095bef)Breaking Annoying Habits (#u1d9a45a2-4899-5fa3-8196-00a613095bef)

Steps to Breaking Habits (including nail biting, grinding teeth, twitching, lip biting, head banging, nose picking, hair pulling, and throat noises) (#ulink_506d58b6-efd2-51f4-a235-ec7f2ec2e5b4)

Thumb-Sucking (#ulink_f21f3144-f221-5f0d-9a5f-f555708cc511)

Chapter 15: (#uc338dbcf-833d-5a4a-a6bd-915dae5c6792)Disciplining Bothersome Behaviours (#uc338dbcf-833d-5a4a-a6bd-915dae5c6792)

Biting, Hitting, Pushing, Kicking (#ulink_28b441e2-2118-5baf-9797-cdab2ec41b10)

Dressing Discipline (#ulink_e93b9539-d86b-5a67-8f21-97e0919855bf)

Supermarket Discipline (#ulink_204a9f07-6dcf-5726-be95-3233dc780265)

Teaching Toothbrushing (#ulink_eb65f8da-e804-5bb5-ba16-8aba5bd8770b)

Facilitating a Facewash (#ulink_b66ad3cb-3b4e-560a-8398-b9e0b3a0bc8e)

Whining (#ulink_1e0ecaa6-2df1-5460-a2c3-fb18529eaf46)

Clearing Up Dirty Words (#ulink_583263e1-d880-5c8d-87c8-b2a905a4246c)

Soiling Pants (#ulink_06fe60d3-da2d-5762-bd1f-dd6b171ad1e1)

Name-calling (#ulink_dd4da677-a387-5108-92ed-190d8944e23b)

Grumbling (#ulink_efff64d4-fcc6-5413-86a0-94259e4b609c)

Answering Back (#ulink_9bbcb27b-7fff-50e6-839e-9920eb81a523)

Exciting the Unmotivated Child (#ulink_f3ac9911-1df8-5447-8d4d-60314b43eaa5)

Chapter 16: (#u965c5b0a-27e9-5781-9d6b-42f1ec8d164c)Sibling Rivalry (#u965c5b0a-27e9-5781-9d6b-42f1ec8d164c)

Introducing a New Baby (#ulink_e2b24cff-7f25-5677-84b8-6ab00f698332)

Promoting Sibling Harmony (#ulink_b45b7ac4-0b27-5631-9c67-c09a9b3a16e1)

Discouraging Sibling Disharmony (#ulink_007f17b4-b946-509a-8897-71da1a56ba18)

III: discipline for life (#u1b4cfda8-b137-55f4-b08f-c59c17ee88c2)

Chapter 17: (#uc2aaea10-e705-5ba7-91af-a95b8f827129)Morals and Manners (#uc2aaea10-e705-5ba7-91af-a95b8f827129)

Raising a Moral Child (#ulink_8c5ee2d4-fa9f-540a-a314-dee7094c0614)

Why Kids Lie – What to Do (#ulink_12df606c-793d-5e43-aa26-48f44b0373ba)

Raising a Truthful Child (#ulink_7f3b272a-43b6-58ae-8693-5d40419c6317)

Encouraging Honesty (#ulink_43d2ef08-1688-5327-bc2f-a88731155354)

Stealing (#ulink_92161cbd-2495-5d65-b36c-543437a8cb2d)

Cheating (#ulink_80dd94da-f524-5df7-97ff-85d95c7dced6)

Teaching Your Child to Apologize (#ulink_92ecb300-9a70-5065-991f-258f7225391f)

When Your Child Interrupts (#ulink_c3993bc9-9c42-51ef-8fd9-c557ac02ef19)

Teaching Manners (#ulink_81dbc103-811d-5cde-8d73-3ceb3a0de347)

Sharing (#ulink_ee197bcf-bed1-5025-8d58-bf357a8781e1)

Chapter 18: (#u8a66ca27-2780-5247-b0ad-7d518b611c4e)Building Healthy Sexuality (#u8a66ca27-2780-5247-b0ad-7d518b611c4e)

Fostering Healthy Gender Identity (#ulink_81e5c319-1e8f-522d-bc17-a78760e9bd90)

Modelling Healthy Gender Roles (#ulink_c77b2ab4-a234-56e7-ad51-0bd3ab5b0fac)

Curious Little Bodies (#ulink_2fae6ac6-5919-5980-acbe-d7350d9cebd1)

Masturbation (#ulink_f617f2f2-87e6-5a8c-8fee-4aa228bc8c1b)

Chapter 19: (#u6ad1ba7b-f172-5775-9a7f-94703a416f42)Discipline for Special Times and Special Children (#u6ad1ba7b-f172-5775-9a7f-94703a416f42)

Disciplining the Hyperactive Child (#ulink_6522adbd-c879-5f64-8400-3eb644a70b66)

Disciplining the Temperamentally Difficult Child (aka the High-Need Child) (#ulink_fa427111-f860-5a93-98ee-3cba5c3d20d9)

Disciplining the Special Needs Child (#ulink_acd100d1-6151-54d8-8895-f619604c6073)

Parenting the Shy Child (#ulink_f272e6e5-4250-5700-9779-880492d84f18)

Disciplining the Fearful Child (#ulink_71322b6e-309e-5ecb-9d36-88431929c8ac)

Discipline Following Divorce (#ulink_392b8dbc-e92d-52ea-8af7-53504fd0d7db)

Caregivers as Disciplinarians (#ulink_80000b50-fdf9-54ac-bf82-fadfe90b854b)

Closing comments: Putting It All Together – A Sample Discipline Plan (#ue198c579-e194-51ad-b684-26249a0dded9)

Index (#ud20a04f4-e42f-541f-b080-a45bb594ae4a)

Keep Reading (#u25a4bbbc-1aa7-55af-8b77-0889b94af0dd)

Also by the Same Authors (#uafe8f8a6-84d9-5af9-96c6-8fef45b8eacd)

About the Publisher (#u8dd3cc85-6116-5754-92cf-d7b349898d13)




a word about discipline from dr bill and martha (#ulink_8afc110a-cd17-51ee-80f5-a4253e6622f0)


Parents struggle with what discipline is and how to approach it. We all want our children to behave well, but the word “discipline” has connotations of corporal punishment and Victorian family values. In fact, discipline is a positive and integral part of your whole relationship with your child. It can’t be pulled out and isolated from the rest of your family’s life and does not need to be punitive – in fact, we would argue that it should never involve physical punishment. At one point we intended the title of this book to be Discipline for Life, because our purpose is to equip children with the tools they will need to succeed in life.

This book was written on the job. Many of the stories throughout this book are from our own family, and as you will see, discipline has not always been easy for us nor have we always done it right. We could never have written this book without the many years of parenting we have under our belt. It wasn’t until our kids started having kids that we fully realized the value of what we had done – and hadn’t done – as disciplinarians. Besides our own experience, much of the advice in this book comes from the real experts: veteran parents of disciplined children who over the years have shared their wisdom with us.

You may feel that some advice in this book is too lenient, or that other advice is too harsh. You may feel, “I can’t do that with my child.” If it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Discipline is not a list of techniques to be plucked from a book, tried insensitively on your child, and followed rigidly. Instead, use the tools in this book to develop a philosophy of discipline, and use whatever tools fit your child and your family situation to create your own style of discipline.

How to read this book depends upon your needs. If you are first-time parents with a new baby, this book is a recipe for discipline, a philosophy of child rearing, and for some even a guide for living. If you are already experiencing discipline problems, this is also a repair manual, a fix-it-yourself book. Parents, we want you to realize the rewards of investing in your child’s behaviour. While parents should take neither all the credit nor all the blame for the person their child becomes, we believe that many of the problems society now faces – crime, violence, sexual irresponsibilities, and social insensitivities – stem from poor discipline in the child and in the adult that child becomes.

A mother in my surgery, desperate for direction on how she could influence society, said: “The streets are full of crime, the homes are full of violence, and schools spend more time keeping law and order than teaching. I feel powerless to make a difference, and I don’t believe government knows how to change this course of events.” I told this mum: “You can change the world, one child at a time. Do what you and no one but you can do – discipline your child.”

William and Martha Sears

San Clemente, California

March 1995




I promoting desirable behaviour (#ulink_529994e3-997c-5025-aaf5-2ec9c9b3960b)


How parents and child get started with each other influences the discipline relationship. Some parents will naturally ease into discipline, and some children are easier to discipline. Other parents, partly because of how they were disciplined as children, lack confidence in guiding and correcting their child. For these parents, the early chapters of this book will help you to become confident parents while giving your child the start you never got. We begin by discussing the attachment style of parenting, a way of getting connected to your child. Our journey into discipline starts by giving you the tools to get connected to your child in the early years, when the little person is under construction. We help you to build your sensitivity to your child, and your child’s toward you; to know what is age-appropriate behaviour; to help your child to become comfortably expressive, to handle anger, and to develop self-confidence. And from that basic relationship, loving guidance flows naturally. Attachment parenting brings rewards for parents as well as children. Putting in some extra effort at the beginning will save time and energy later on. You won’t have to do as much of the repair work we discuss in Part II.





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