Книга - The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five

The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five
Martha Sears

William Sears


The best-selling authors of The Baby Book (Dr William and Martha Sears) have created a supportive and practical guide to coping with difficult and fussy children. The book contains proven methods for dealing with a multitude of difficulties you may encounter.Parents of fussy or difficult children, take heart, best-selling childcare experts William and Martha Sears have written a book just for you. Drawing on more than twenty years of paediatric practice and their experiences with their own high-need children, they provide:- Creative ways to soothe a fussy baby- Information on medical causes of infant fussiness – from infections to food sensitivities- Effective ways of coping with common high-need personality traits and behaviour- Proven strategies for discipline – getting connected to your child early, providing structure, setting limits, knowing when to say yes and when to say no- Tips on learning how to talk and listen- Real-life stories and advice from parents of high-need childrenIn The Fussy Baby Book Dr. William and Martha Sears acknowledge the difficulties you face but show you how responsive parenting can turn these challenges into advantages for both you and your child. The Searses prove that difficult children can provide the most rewarding parenting experiences of all.









the fussy baby book

Parenting your high-need child from birth to age five

Dr William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N.


Edited by Caroline Deacon









contents


Cover (#ufe92f6e2-5e86-5c72-a4c6-18a10dedd2b9)

Title Page (#u9ae13597-a342-57ec-a37f-25a3093955ea)

A word from Dr Bill and Martha (#u5a9fea79-9e48-5f46-8d2a-3c2469eefa3e)

I: the journey begins (#ud3e754ae-b4d2-55cd-9914-f73653de1c46)

chapter 1: (#u83ce14f8-5ae5-550a-ad8f-9aae1c6ecd65)hayden – our high-need child (#u83ce14f8-5ae5-550a-ad8f-9aae1c6ecd65)

How She Acted (#ulink_21bd5fe0-91a5-5f54-ada8-b1a25a5d05ee)

How We Felt (#ulink_7f536dbd-4f98-54b0-bb20-598815a15246)

What to Call Her (#ulink_dbe2e3bd-6427-561e-aa88-13b86a07ff15)

Our High-Need Child Grew and Changed (#ulink_5b1f86b7-210b-58fd-bd3e-4b837f60b32c)

Her Discipline Needs Were Higher (#ulink_55b98432-0f58-5059-a422-95f6c87a7ce0)

Our Needs Versus Her Needs (#ulink_aa51183c-a223-5aec-880a-7b00c6fe6f6c)

How We Grew – the Payoff (#ulink_f9d0e9eb-d31a-5509-84ec-e9ffead704cd)

chapter 2: (#u136e52cb-86c5-5ac5-a622-bcc039ea861a)profile of a high-need baby (#u136e52cb-86c5-5ac5-a622-bcc039ea861a)

Intense (#ulink_725d706c-2833-598d-af35-27f031b70769)

Hyperactive (#ulink_cbb2706b-7345-58f7-9984-c183139793c9)

Draining (#ulink_80c3a5c4-97c0-59ce-bb00-4421ae9f5c60)

Feeds Frequently (#ulink_083c16c4-0a49-56a8-aede-2ee24f0bac30)

Demanding (#ulink_6d9e1825-fd4b-5975-a8a6-1dc25df6f4cf)

Awakens Frequently (#ulink_b732efd4-7a62-5fdb-842f-5774fc063e5c)

Unsatisfied (#ulink_5b73d891-3691-5e6a-8027-0dac29ad5f7c)

Unpredictable (#ulink_76893470-f1ea-5ce2-9054-ab2e05d18264)

Supersensitive (#ulink_fc8a4441-4d16-535a-99cf-04f8dd14aaf7)

Unable to Be Put Down (#ulink_94f97af8-c989-59ae-86c6-a9239d1a8909)

Uncuddly (#ulink_17aa838a-40a4-544f-bae4-4a624a0140be)

Not a Self-Soother (#ulink_8685041b-9867-5dd7-b73d-3b331483a2a7)

Separation-Sensitive (#ulink_9e2f3f3c-5ae8-5eb9-80ff-86ddf8835203)

chapter 3: (#u85b3c6c4-5763-5ebf-b79c-983c8113a2a0)your baby’s cry – what it means, how to listen (#u85b3c6c4-5763-5ebf-b79c-983c8113a2a0)

An Infant’s Cry – The Perfect Signal (#ulink_d2f9ed6a-38f4-59d7-a86d-1f36ba99ab8b)

Should Baby Cry It Out? (#ulink_0e5ba571-02b8-588e-b939-e4b5ab5f918c)

Should You Ever Let Baby Cry? (#ulink_69e4ed58-817a-51f6-b33b-fc80624eac71)

Mellowing Baby’s Cries (#ulink_a5a9c240-fb4f-56c5-bc89-66e8d09251c8)

chapter 4: (#u37c5f0a3-9a21-56f3-8412-5583932fceb8)creative ways to soothe a fussy baby (#u37c5f0a3-9a21-56f3-8412-5583932fceb8)

Motions that Mellow (#ulink_6afe0d6e-3331-5ee3-8fb1-1bb492c87971)

Sounds that Soothe (#ulink_e38b533d-7cee-5eba-9e63-a01ed0f30377)

Sights that Delight (#ulink_8ea508a9-9018-5837-901d-71dfe79bd76b)

Touches that Relax (#ulink_b9eec3a9-c8ed-529a-9fed-0ecce7e3d5ba)

chapter 5: (#ue7516e11-f9ec-547c-9a9f-b4786ab86122)feelings shared by parents of high-need children (#ue7516e11-f9ec-547c-9a9f-b4786ab86122)

Doubtful (#ulink_014fcfce-864e-5deb-8169-bdb2e80604ff)

Alone (#ulink_70a91767-b15a-5987-9994-29bb38f2b07e)

Defensive (#ulink_fa7c9f34-05be-50de-8551-2ca9e73c2883)

Resentful (#ulink_772699b4-1f38-53ab-a616-6e4a3a0e51f0)

Thrilled and Scared (#ulink_d3c4081b-e208-5ab8-a533-bd8da3f28cce)

Controlled (#ulink_27f8ddce-2f89-5b18-8962-9d6e203a28ff)

Critical (#ulink_8433dfbe-e35c-581c-8349-efbba85a428a)

Tied Down (#ulink_adf94d5b-d920-57cb-baa3-e2023d59c3e7)

Inadequate (#ulink_85130680-bb89-510e-a577-6307bca9f8fb)

Lost (#ulink_55c5ad26-4cd3-5ce2-97ae-ff509e9502e3)

Worried (#ulink_994fbc76-4f52-5079-bc05-842ce4e88cd8)

Disillusioned (#ulink_0cc4120a-86de-5b79-8933-52814dbd0519)

Manipulated (#ulink_d791d39d-0b5e-551c-a0b6-f58b1f7b8c3b)

Confident and Comfortable (#ulink_0a1b1cc3-eeda-5312-8554-0959c299bca0)

Proud (#ulink_25b5b9a8-fcc8-5747-ac0b-9f60539c0b13)

Vindicated (#ulink_95d6b3fc-74ef-5f86-8e05-fcd109065948)

Connected (#ulink_3aa36d10-5631-57de-91c4-46f4a659d9c6)

chapter 6: (#uc18d8f4d-8485-5e30-ac36-089558e2dcea)seventeen survival tips for parents of high-need children (#uc18d8f4d-8485-5e30-ac36-089558e2dcea)

Consider Yourself (#ulink_a553dfdc-a4e6-5958-916a-abdd88cc736d)

Allow Baby Some Frustration (#ulink_9fb94c8f-9d3f-5496-a48c-8a26c0b4e847)

Make Sleep a Priority (#ulink_6920a8a0-cc63-55bb-a6af-eca7e06004da)

Be Positive (#ulink_ef19f67f-4711-5534-9dc1-34c5c1d06f6e)

Be Patient (#ulink_3bc1f5bd-a8a2-5519-acf7-d86800011a29)

Focus on the “Biggies” (#ulink_920e0399-6638-5847-a5d2-ec9e485207eb)

Realize Your Child Is Unique (#ulink_74f7bd89-cf34-5527-b55c-b011423791f8)

Don’t Compare (#ulink_09a40a02-81a9-52d5-b0b9-5acb6de93e76)

Get Out (#ulink_9bf9aae0-bf06-55e8-9a12-28ffe56daf18)

If You Resent It, Change It (#ulink_b38af099-de96-5be3-bb89-934695e6137b)

Get Help (#ulink_ff4f37db-9c5a-5a55-b0be-ddab98ff128f)

Job-Share (#ulink_e8a80db5-6b78-56f4-a31d-071f0d64dc55)

Plan Ahead (#ulink_6bb3dffa-bce0-599b-85a6-ec2a14aec467)

Take the Long View (#ulink_e4384a6f-389b-5302-b9b9-33652d7ff79a)

Get Behind the Eyes of Your Child (#ulink_19afd5ab-1ecc-5909-82d1-b6181df4f481)

It’s No One’s Fault (#ulink_721ad70b-68f1-5ea7-8484-0c2eb5bf2a86)

Study Your Child (#ulink_4d9eebfa-229c-5359-b548-db41de2687d4)

chapter 7: (#u62385aac-1884-5321-b26e-3d46e9cba93f)mother burnout (#u62385aac-1884-5321-b26e-3d46e9cba93f)

Martha’s Experience (#ulink_caa5c1a6-bbf8-5e78-bfa2-d87e24c8964a)

What Fuels Mother Burnout? (#ulink_463715cb-9971-5a26-9928-d42cd930bcf4)

What to Do About It (#ulink_d2939335-87c1-5f1d-9b77-add5d6d91785)

Avoiding Mother Burnout Altogether (#ulink_653a6779-40ee-5620-be9a-8b0a1024742b)

chapter 8: (#ud5028564-1bb1-5c63-9eb9-661b03db8f06)helping the high-need child go to sleep and stay asleep (#ud5028564-1bb1-5c63-9eb9-661b03db8f06)

Why High-Need Children Sleep Differently (#ulink_35f73dbe-619f-5086-87bb-1d7e9ec9f213)

Parenting Baby to Sleep (#ulink_bca74d49-06de-5cc4-a8e6-6fbe9369259d)

Keeping Baby Asleep (#ulink_1d7c800b-4c86-5332-8f19-0894281ff6e1)

Alternatives for the All-Night Nurser (#ulink_6ba78836-4b18-5619-9bf0-1e27ddd7ca7c)

chapter 9: (#u5935d9e1-1477-5c06-9e86-d50beb674c1e)feeding high-need children (#u5935d9e1-1477-5c06-9e86-d50beb674c1e)

The Benefits of Breast-Feeding (#ulink_ebafd78e-c065-510e-8a28-507a3319e323)

Problems Mothers Who Breast-feed May Encounter (#ulink_1af193c0-02df-56ce-b8ef-d93af8f7a844)

Formula-Feeding Fussy Babies (#ulink_0187ead8-f04c-5df6-ace2-79a6d21c1c2c)

High Needs – High Nutrition (#ulink_f270c299-9bdf-5d5e-8a41-d89026455119)

Grazing (#ulink_4ecd0894-2b7d-5f07-ba74-de704e89c9a6)

chapter 10: (#uc46f8cb3-ff22-5ed2-92c5-ab2b6df18ada)hidden causes of fussiness in infants (#uc46f8cb3-ff22-5ed2-92c5-ab2b6df18ada)

Food Sensitivities (#ulink_73e0e4d6-a5d5-50ab-9546-6771b93f57f3)

Gastroesophageal Reflux (#ulink_bf7f6974-729b-5bba-96dc-af9be3833522)

Ear Infections (#ulink_6f7a8839-8f6b-54f3-8b20-16d9c11469b2)

Anaemia (#ulink_0a7a6439-7e45-5ddb-b26e-50b5974a0af2)

Urinary Tract Infections (#ulink_ea78cb12-8a69-5b96-aa3a-2b6b92b70ab9)

II: the high-need child grows up (#u2f3078d9-6f60-5895-9e30-67202e47ed2a)

chapter 11: (#ud70e214d-5f75-59cc-bb66-3da6e1d9e4ff)the high-need thrill ride (#ud70e214d-5f75-59cc-bb66-3da6e1d9e4ff)

The Ride Begins (#ulink_9461d1c5-28a8-5b66-b8eb-9048b2943c22)

1. Little Need for Sleep (#ulink_a5d3391f-9304-5394-b74a-351a9a122e23)

2. High Need for Mum (#ulink_f68b0168-2ce9-5472-9f32-aece67765ee2)

3. High Sucking Need (#ulink_ece4643b-5e0f-5519-bc85-6a56ba960692)

4. Hyper-Responsive to Stimuli (#ulink_ed46f4a6-2a8b-5f1b-91a2-902ea734d444)

5. Hyper When Hungry (#ulink_50217a2a-f296-586c-a12e-1dcb482b91e8)

6. Highly Creative (#ulink_d9a5d464-b9ab-5807-9e97-9fe90c9dafb6)

7. Resisting Authority (#ulink_78dede9d-e9d7-5343-987f-696053f90834)

8. Stubborn (#ulink_f9ae074a-71c6-593d-b7e1-5b2d07b7a2ae)

9. Negative (#ulink_3165ce82-d50f-50af-8818-59d11e844d2d)

10. Opinionated (#ulink_773a5532-4da8-505f-8b4b-6b3d6d3ecf6e)

11. High Need for Affirmation (#ulink_d38e4b48-5943-5a1d-9825-f3a12f0406be)

12. “It’s Not My Fault!” (#ulink_35eacc20-b017-5bb1-9154-23e77c3ffcb0)

Where Do I Go to Resign? (#ulink_7032931b-da69-561f-b98a-c5b16b90d70e)

chapter 12: (#u5b170423-c135-5ff0-847a-d86b054fd698)disciplining the high-need child (#u5b170423-c135-5ff0-847a-d86b054fd698)

Get Connected to Your Child – Early (#ulink_bf5f8f56-ccb6-5831-bfb0-bd57350ff0a1)

Study Your Child (#ulink_e365506e-46e3-590a-8e19-f27ffa4706d0)

Think Kid First (#ulink_d2f9aaca-e520-57b0-ac6b-e7bc680c2454)

Provide Structure, Set Limits (#ulink_f98883e4-33c2-54a2-b300-f771fa8d5e63)

Know When to Say Yes and When to Say No (#ulink_2aa3105e-412a-5cdf-9f0d-570ffdb8415d)

Command Respect (#ulink_3a8a2150-22d7-5310-9b5d-70dde0ad1057)

Help Your Child Learn Empathy (#ulink_68f9f0c6-9139-5446-bae9-c828f82f0e17)

Give Choices (#ulink_2c20d33b-cee5-57c1-9c3c-525accc0fa27)

Let Your Child Know What You Expect (#ulink_5f3640da-aefd-51cc-8515-f4ed04da37ee)

Shaping Is More Important than Controlling (#ulink_c0851fe1-f33d-5d7a-bcab-e3104fe15db2)

chapter 13: (#u48dfcc61-0696-5bb0-aec1-97612d43672c)how to talk to and listen to the high-need child (#u48dfcc61-0696-5bb0-aec1-97612d43672c)

Understand Your Child’s Viewpoint (#ulink_be870e1c-6162-5959-bd67-13e003ea0a3d)

Getting Your Child’s Attention (#ulink_e786fed2-423e-5142-a90f-4f5965cebf5a)

Holding Your Child’s Attention (#ulink_d07e0ab7-72c8-53d9-85d3-e1f09d0cdae6)

Encourage Compliance Before Defiance (#ulink_29e69f58-44e3-50ea-8e69-17991e42421b)

Guide Your Child Toward the Conclusion You Want (#ulink_8ece676d-5b58-5941-b3aa-e36e7bd8531b)

Model Control (#ulink_b2d3f380-dcb1-57eb-a511-2f0082099594)

Use Proper Body Language (#ulink_d02169d3-00b7-5f8b-be52-c39d463637ca)

Acknowledge Your Child (#ulink_52c12bba-26d3-5cea-91cb-27592c64558c)

chapter 14: (#ue6161630-abe4-5ca4-ad7f-3733b4e368e5)the payoff – for children and for parents (#ue6161630-abe4-5ca4-ad7f-3733b4e368e5)

Empathy (#ulink_4b92acde-1f11-504e-bb6a-1101e5f1ae8d)

Sensitivity (#ulink_ab9c18e7-73a6-5321-ab92-5fc53c896f8a)

Sense of Justice (#ulink_885e47b7-46eb-52bb-bd20-276ede707933)

Awareness (#ulink_d2586bff-e8ad-573c-8878-760e03ec5abe)

Intimacy (#ulink_9ed12b47-ced5-5ddf-91b5-e04d27979efc)

Confidence (#ulink_2dd436c6-8acf-51f2-b589-3b394618881c)

Expressiveness (#ulink_337ece3d-6a77-58ef-870e-686389bdb0c2)

Persistence (#ulink_574eba2a-cd76-575a-8026-7f5728d72bf7)

Interdependence (#ulink_a0330f31-59b2-5a95-9946-e394db76713e)

Ability to Make Wise Choices (#ulink_5449cda6-68da-5116-a6b5-5436a4d20ecf)

Future Parenting Skills (#ulink_f911b642-6180-55ba-bd5b-5d19c53580bc)

Closeness (#ulink_d6f8b6ab-9127-531f-90bf-e8845cd0d357)

Ease in Disciplining (#ulink_1a237ee4-ade2-57cb-b2e2-06c83af3dd23)

Trust (#ulink_8bc17250-b212-5681-88d7-f6281b53ab1c)

III: stories from the experts (#ue0a67534-7aa2-5b94-834a-a59e2b873c7b)

chapter 15: (#u1b89e4e0-0506-5ad9-9b7b-7910fe6d2865)survivors’ stories (#u1b89e4e0-0506-5ad9-9b7b-7910fe6d2865)

Too Tired to Get Dressed (#ulink_fb712b2e-e913-52ca-8acd-016e98bd950b)

I Knew Something Was Wrong With Him (#ulink_f7d3d80d-67bf-5999-a5b8-b8ae9afa2f89)

Balancing a Medical Career and Mothering (#ulink_9304ec72-44f4-57d8-870d-17f172f569bb)

Robbed of a Month of My Motherhood (#ulink_774c938d-3fec-55df-ac50-e4ed50e8e2c1)

A Late Bloomer (#ulink_5d496d98-68b9-5aa2-b218-3f5731b67571)

Why Doesn’t This Baby Sleep? (#ulink_00beb558-2cdf-5365-8e78-a36b4e797df3)

Day-Care Nightmare (#ulink_33925367-35ac-5769-b5d7-b0e7fd15ad3f)

I Snuggled With My Premmie in Bed (#ulink_6db75775-065d-5394-bf24-0125eabf97bd)

A Screaming Bundle of Unhappiness (#ulink_8b0bbcb5-4d45-587f-b501-b5f580832d01)

Sleepless in Canada (#ulink_2c546aef-c673-5faa-b806-f3be34aa26e5)

Career Derailed (#ulink_6fcc96e4-9242-5570-98a6-f1b1f23abd20)

He’s a Hard-to-Love Baby (#ulink_ec480f7c-dd26-5b57-9a2c-e97ce764e1c9)

The Proof Is in the Pudding (#ulink_7d57929c-dcf9-5f0a-b4c0-366fe26c6a23)

I Would Not Want Her Any Other Way (#ulink_56feadfb-6b54-5a94-8f6c-fbb3af4b4b8b)

Time to Move On (#ulink_4144f6b8-63bf-5605-a7ca-99bc51b20729)

Index (#uf2dc69e2-fd98-5c39-b21d-34bcf7f99431)

Acknowledgements (#ufd304a40-e33f-51ae-914a-7d01e7b3fd82)

Keep Reading (#udadec946-6014-5a2c-91f1-d5335e756981)

Also by the Authors (#u899654e5-756d-57ea-82d3-194e62e2b388)

Copyright (#ue724870c-8172-513e-8ccb-be137faf5202)

About the Publisher (#u019639b5-5686-5397-8ed4-1f99ea7feeee)




a word from dr bill and martha (#ulink_bc2d71de-028e-5855-bf5b-a7d667b41ca0)


We want to both congratulate and encourage you on being blessed with a high-need child. Having a challenging child will bring out the best and worst in you; we wish to help this life-changing experience bring out the best.

Parenting a high-need child is like attending a continuous life-enrichment seminar. From the moment these infants exit the womb, in one way or another, they announce, “Hi, Mum and Dad. You’ve been blessed with an above-average child, and I need above-average parenting. If you give it to me, we’re going to get along fine; but if you don’t, we’re going to have a bit of trouble down the road.” And these babies have the persistence required to hold up their end of this bargain. Right from the start these children make it clear they need more! The good news is they also give more to everyone who cares for them.

This book is about children who are challenging and the parents who guide them. Besides insights that we have gained from parenting our own high-need children and from counselling hundreds of parents in our paediatric practice, sprinkled throughout this book you will find testimonies from parents who have survived and thrived with their high-need children – kids you would like. We let the experts speak for themselves.

Parenting a high-need child will be one of the most difficult journeys of your life. It will also be one of the most rewarding.

William and Martha Sears San Clemente, California May 1996




I the journey begins (#ulink_df10fca2-0606-5a26-ade9-6539017efa8f)


Parenting is a journey. Parenting a high-need child is a journey where you unwittingly end up in uncharted territory. Before your baby’s birth you imagine what the journey will be like. You buy guidebooks. You listen to friends who have taken similar trips. It’s exciting. Your baby is born and the journey begins. Suddenly your trip isn’t going as planned. Your child is not following the guidebooks. He takes you on a different journey, one that you might not have chosen and certainly not the one you had anticipated. Initially, you resent this change in travel plans. The road is bumpy. It is lonely. And it’s costing you much more energy than you had budgeted. But you’ve purchased a non-refundable ticket, so you must go on. While your friends are seeing all the popular sights, your child pulls you off the usual paths, down side roads, and into places where you’re forced to carve some new trails on your own. The trip is tiring and challenging. You have difficulty sharing your discoveries with your friends; they haven’t been where you’ve been or seen the world through your child’s eyes. Before long, though, you will gradually begin to realize how much richer your life is and how much wiser you are for having experienced this special journey.





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