Книга - The Original Sinners: The Red Years
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The Original Sinners: The Red Years
Tiffany Reisz
The Original Sinners: The Red Years collection contains four unforgettable, erotic stories and one tantalising, provocative novella collection.THE SIREN Some love stories you never forget.She tore herself from the man she adored, who transformed her, who possessed her who would have destroyed her.Now, she is adored by a man she must not have.Some books will change your world.She thinks she knows what it means to be pushed to her limits.Shes wrong.Be prepared this is one of them.THE ANGELShe wanted himNora Sutherlin is hiding. On paper, shes following her masters orders and her flesh is willing.More deeply, more strongly than shed wanted anyoneBut her mind is wandering to a man from her past, whose hold on her heart is less bruising, but whose absence is no less painful. Instead of letting him make love to her, shed let him go.This is the story of a summer that proves that love hurts.THE PRINCEOne man taught her to loveShe left her old life for him. Now Nora is torn in two, wanting to fit into this new, innocent relationship, yet relentlessly hungering for her darker selfand S?ren, the man she left behind.One man taught her to obeyWhile Noras trying on innocence for size, S?ren is stepping ever further into decadence, determined to block out the agony of watching Nora walk away. Wills she ever choose to return to their life of glorious, addictive sin?Which man would you crave?THE MISTRESSShe is addictive irresistible.Nora Sutherlin, Dominatrix-turned-literary-star, is held prisoner by two dangerous men. Under different circumstances she would enjoy this immensely. These men arent lovers, however, but tools of vengeance from an old adversary.Possessor of the hearts of two men, she plays her hardest hand.But her captor isnt interested in play. Or pity. In Noras world, however, no one is ever truly powerless. Her friends and lovers will do anything to save her even if the only certainty seems to be sacrifice and heartbreak.The stakes are high in a dangerous game of love, lust and passion.THE MISTRESS FILES: The Case of the Acting Actress, The Case of the Diffident Dom, The Case of the Reluctant Rock Star, The Case of the Secret Switch, The Case of the Broken BartenderWelcome to the private files of Nora Sutherlin, The Mistress.Kingsley Edge, owner of the 8th Circle BDSM club, has ordered her to compose client profiles so the other Dominatrices in his employ can learn from her expert erotic encounters. Shes the best Dominatrix at the club and her clients always leave satisfied.The Mistresss first five cases are anything but vanilla1. The young actress known as Americas Sweetheart who definitely isnt innocent.2. The ex-Dom whose wife wants to experience the pleasure of domination Nora can convince him to trust his wifes desires.3. The rock star who says hes researching a music video, but whose arousal makes Nora determined to prove hes a sub.4 .The special client whos secretly a Switch like Nora, both dominant and submissive, and only comes to her when he wants pain.5. The woman with a very unique request, who Nora will never see in her dungeon again
The Original Sinners: The Red Years
The Siren
The Angel
The Prince
The Mistress
The Mistress Files
Tiffany Reisz
www.spice-books.co.uk (http://www.spice-books.co.uk)
The Siren
Tiffany Reisz
In the world of kink authors, shes the top.
Notorious Nora Sutherlin is famous for her delicious works of erotica, each one more popular with readers than the last. But her latest manuscript is differentmore serious, more personaland shes sure itll be her breakout bookif it ever sees the light of day.
Zachary Easton holds Noras fate in his well-manicured hands. The demanding British editor agrees to handle the book on one condition: he wants complete control. Nora must rewrite the entire novel to his exacting standardsin six weeksor its no deal.
Noras grueling writing sessions with Zach are drainingand shockingly arousing. And a dangerous former lover has her wondering which is more torturousstaying away from himor returning to his bed?
Nora thought she knew everything about being pushed to your limits. But in a world where passion is pain, nothing is ever that simple.
Advance Praise for The Siren
Tiffany Reisz is a smart, artful, and masterful new voice in erotic fiction! An erotica star on the rise!
Award-winning author Lacey Alexander
The best erotica either leaves slut-marks on your back or a bruise on your heart. The Siren does both and I wish Id written it.
Scarlett Parrish, author of By the Book
Provocative, smart and downright cheeky. The Siren put me through my paces and had me begging for more.
Emma Petersen, author of Reign of Pleasure
Dazzling, devastating and sinfully erotic, Reisz writes unforgettable characters youll either want to know or want to be. The Siren is an alluring book-within-a-book, a story that will leave you breathless and bruised, aching for another chapter with Nora Sutherlin and her men.
Miranda Baker, author of Bottoms Up and Soloplay
The Siren is a powerful, evocative tale of discovering who you truly are. Tiffany Reisz nails the complicated person inside all of us.
Cassandra Carr, author of Talk to Me
Daring, sophisticated, and literaryexactly what good erotica should be.
Kitty Thomas, author of Tender Mercies
To Jason Isaacs
otherwise known as The Most Beautiful Man Alive.
Thank you for being my Zachary and my Muse.
To Alyssa Palmer
mon Canardif yours were the only eyes that read my books, I would still write for you alone.
And to B.
Contents
Chapter 1 (#u9fe22944-35a5-5738-a3bd-fd4f4bc6c2e4)
Chapter 2 (#u16e65a67-c101-5d18-af5c-fc7beeba60eb)
Chapter 3 (#u4c55c318-a505-59b1-9c99-5b9e4f9d9ad6)
Chapter 4 (#u88503c47-ecf5-5a31-a4a0-00a761efd54e)
Chapter 5 (#u857c3f7a-be46-5e18-b01d-68e5f4b7da24)
Chapter 6 (#uc390cbeb-1710-54d7-ab1d-fe5aaea2342c)
Chapter 7 (#u5f85e7dd-da59-57d8-8e3a-d811a47feeb1)
Chapter 8 (#uefe1e9a2-ecff-5676-af7d-95886c26b9ef)
Chapter 9 (#u4b175f5e-46b0-54a5-a2c0-88938518c13f)
Chapter 10 (#u3d6e2ce7-2f30-5bc0-a752-b8b5827fc19a)
Chapter 11 (#uac2a771e-a7eb-5a39-a589-8cf13cea583f)
Chapter 12 (#u7622542d-7967-59f4-b18c-94df6ab35e72)
Chapter 13 (#uc9a5b59a-780c-5cb8-a177-a3ccf5d52f19)
Chapter 14 (#u0bdbbb4b-94a3-51ab-a0c4-f4a28f74c524)
Chapter 15 (#uf88124ac-2483-5725-8232-2a51adc2f74d)
Chapter 16 (#u755cfd68-58b2-5a7f-9a2b-22d1d450be3e)
Chapter 17 (#u83698629-c0dd-56af-a3fb-f11de36ec093)
Chapter 18 (#uf234df10-2d94-542a-903f-b81ce0c29ca9)
Chapter 19 (#u3d8b711e-bada-51d8-bf57-4fba1e915211)
Chapter 20 (#uee0a3ea4-6e7f-57fa-9ce9-be1b201979e2)
Chapter 21 (#u0fb70b0b-9dc5-5f62-b480-ce8422e03616)
Chapter 22 (#ua53bd9f1-b06e-52fc-8369-2d8ab4a6270b)
Chapter 23 (#u655c7687-908b-5ba8-bfc1-c4db3382b40a)
Chapter 24 (#u7c25d23b-6024-5e34-a7fe-f42d050817d9)
Chapter 25 (#ue4a695c7-110f-531a-8ad0-2b34864e2291)
Chapter 26 (#u611600c9-14ab-5290-af1b-14fb7bd94bc3)
Chapter 27 (#ue369c0ba-e87b-512c-ad3e-0232fc762ffe)
Chapter 28 (#ufe97759b-7fb9-59dd-8683-cd4b5afc1857)
Chapter 29 (#u560a1a42-26c8-5636-b635-e35c829df402)
Chapter 30 (#ub8216317-ee3f-59f9-9544-e4871aa6ab62)
Chapter 31 (#u9aa972b8-f00b-5811-9437-10a6294f79d9)
Chapter 32 (#u4c159dcb-dee6-57c4-9344-21ec754f2203)
Chapter 33 (#u81877bed-e1a8-5b76-b72a-044fc9767831)
Chapter 34 (#u32a71f92-0a67-53dd-8b75-58022ac78345)
Chapter 35 (#u597ddc54-536f-545c-b689-176c5404473e)
1
There was no such thing as London fognever had been. The London Fog of legend was only that. In reality London fog was London smog, and at the height of the Industrial Revolution it had killed thousands, choking the city with its poisonous hands. Zach Easton knew that in the offices of Royal House Publishing, he was known as the London Fog, the disparaging nickname coined by a fellow editor who disapproved of Zachs dour demeanor. Zach had no love of his nickname or the editor whod coined it. But today he was eager to earn his epithet.
As he knew he would, Zach found John-Paul Bonner, the chief managing editor of Royal House Publishing, still hard at work even after hours. J.P. sat on the floor of his office, piles of manuscripts stacked about him like a paper Stonehenge in miniature.
Zach stopped in J.P.s doorway and leaned against the frame. He stared his chief editor down and did not speak. He didnt have to tell J.P. why he was here. They both knew.
Deathshe comes to me on an Easton fog, J.P. said from the floor as he sorted through another stack of books. A poetic enough way to die. You are here to kill me, I presume.
At sixty-four and with his gray beard and spectacles, J.P. was literature personified. Usually Zach enjoyed playing word games with him, but he was in no mood for repartee today.
Yes.
Yes? J.P. repeated. Just yes? Well, brevity is the soul of wit after all. Help an old man off the floor, will you, Easton? If Im going to die, might as well die on my feet.
Sighing, Zach stepped into the office, reached down and helped J.P. stand. J.P. patted Zach gratefully on the shoulder and collapsed into his chair behind his desk.
Im a dead man anyway. Cant find that damn Hamlet galley for John Warren. Should have had it in the mail yesterday. But happiness is good health and a bad memory they say, and I am a happy, happy man.
Zach studied J.P. for a moment and silently cursed him for being so endearing. His affection for his boss made this conversation far less pleasant. Zach walked over to J.P.s bookshelves and ran his hand along the top of the case. He knew J.P.s habit of stashing important papers where even he couldnt reach them. Zach found a manuscript and pulled it down. He threw it on J.P.s desk and watched it kick up a small cloud of dust.
Bless you, J.P. said, coughing as he put his hand over his heart. You have saved my life.
Now I get to be the one who kills you.
J.P. eyed Zach and pointed at the chair across from the desk. Zach reluctantly sat down, pulling his gray coat around him like a suit of armor.
Easton, look, J.P. began but it was as far as Zach let him get.
Nora Sutherlin? Zach infused the name with as much disgust as he could muster, a considerable amount at the moment. You must be joking.
Yes, Nora Sutherlin. Ive thought about it, looked at the sales projections. I think we should acquire her. I want you to work with her.
I will do no such thing. Its pornography.
Its not pornography. J.P. peered at Zach over the top of his glasses. Its erotica. Very good erotica.
I had no idea there was such a thing.
Two wordsAna?s Nin, J.P. retorted.
Two more wordsBooker Prize.
J.P. exhaled noisily and leaned back in his chair.
Easton, I know your track record. Youre one of the top talents in the industry by far. I wouldnt have paid to import you here to New York if you werent. Yes, your writers have won Booker Prizes.
And Whitbreads, Silver Daggers
And Sutherlins last book outsold your Whitbread and Silver Dagger combined. Were in a recession, if you hadnt noticed. Books are a luxury. If it cant be eaten, no one is buying it right now.
So Nora Sutherlins the answer? Zach challenged.
J.P. grinned. Janie Burke at the Times called her last book highly edible.
Zach shook his head and looked up at the ceiling in disgust.
Shes a guttersnipe writer at best, Zach said. Her minds in the gutter, her books are in the gutter. I wouldnt be surprised if her last publishing house kept its offices in the gutter.
She might be a guttersnipe, but shes our guttersnipe. Well, your guttersnipe now.
This isnt My Fair Lady. Im not Professor Henry Higgins, and she is no Eliza bloody Doolittle.
Whoever she is shes a damn fine writer. You would know this if youd bothered to read one of her books.
I left England for this job, Zach reminded him. I left one of the most respected publishers in Europe because I wanted to work with the best young American writers.
Shes young. Shes American.
I did not leave England, my life Zach stopped himself before he said, and my wife. After all, it was his wife whod left him first.
This book has real potential. She brought it to us because shes ready to make a change.
Give her twenty shillings for a pound if she wants change. I leave for L.A. in six weeks. I cant believe you want me to set everything aside and give my last six weeks to Nora Sutherlin. Not a chance.
Ive seen your in-box, Easton. Its not so full you cant work with Sutherlin while you tie up loose ends around here. Dont tell me you dont have the time when we both know you just dont have the inclination.
Fine. I dont have the time or the inclination to edit erotica, even good erotica, if there is such an animal. Im not the only editor here. Give it to Thomas Finley. Zach named his least favorite coworker, the one whod given him his nickname. Or Angie Clark even.
Finley? That pansy? Hed make a pass at Sutherlin, and shed eat him alive. If you punched him in the face, he wouldnt even know how to bleed right.
Zach nearly laughed in agreement before remembering he was fighting with J.P.
Then what about Angie Clark?
Shes too busy right now. Besides
Besides what? Zach demanded.
Clarks afraid of her.
Cant say I blame her, Zach said. Ive heard grown men practically whisper her name at parties. The rumor is she slept her way to her first book deal.
Ive heard that rumor, too. But she hasnt slept her way to this one. Unfortunately, J.P. said with a playful grin.
I read on Rachel Bells blog that she never leaves the house in any other color than red. She said Sutherlins got a sixteen-year-old boy working as her personal assistant.
J.P. smiled at him. I believe she prefers intern to personal assistant.
Zach nearly choked on his own frustration. Hed been ready to leave for the evening, even had his coat on, when some demon voice in his head told him to check his work email one more time. He had a note from J.P. telling him that he was considering acquiring erotica writer Nora Sutherlin and her latest book for their big fall/winter release. And since Zach didnt have much to occupy him until he left for L.A. in a few weeks
I need you to do this for me. You and no one else, J.P. said.
Why am I the only one who can handle her?
Handle her? J.P. practically chortled the words before turning serious. Listen to meno one handles Nora Sutherlin. No, youre just the only one Ive got who can keep up with her. EastonZach. Hear me out, please.
Zach swallowed and resigned himself to a moments dtente. It was a rare thing indeed when John-Paul Bonner called anyone by his first name.
She writes romances, J.P., Zach said quietly. I hate romances.
J.P. met his eyes with sympathy.
I know youve been through hell this past year. Ive met your Grace, remember? I know what youve lost. But Sutherlinshes good. We need her.
Zach took a slow, deep breath.
Has she signed the contract yet? Zach asked.
No. Were still ironing out the terms.
Is there a verbal agreement in place?
J.P. eyed him warily. Not yet. I told her wed have to look at the figures and get back to her, but we were leaning toward yes. Why?
Ill talk to her.
A good start.
And Ill read the manuscript. If I think theres any chance shewecan make something decent out of her book, Ill give her my last six weeks. But the book doesnt go to press until I sign off on it.
J.P.s eyes bored into Zach. Zach refused to blink or look away. He was used to having final say on all his books. He wasnt about to relinquish that power, not for J.P., not for Nora Sutherlin, not for anyone.
Easton, one Dan Brown title will outsell in a month what the entire poetry section of a bookstore will sell in five years. Sutherlins pornography, as you call it, could pay for a lot of poetry around here.
I want the contract in my hands, J.P., or I wont even meet her.
J.P. sat back in his chair and exhaled loudly through his nose.
Fine. Shes all yours. Shes got a nice little place in Connecticut. Take the train. Take my car. I dont care. Shell be home on Monday, she said.
Very well then. Zach knew he was likely safe. When the mood struck him, Zach could be merciless to an author about his or her books shortcomings. The great writers took the criticism. The hacks couldnt handle it. If he was hard enough on her, shed beg for another editor.
The argument now at a stalemate, Zach rose tiredly from the chair and with hunched and aching shoulders headed toward the door.
A small cough stopped Zach before he could leave the office. J.P. didnt meet his eyes, only ran his hand over the first page of the Hamlet readers copy in front of him.
You should read this book when it comes out, J.P. said, tapping the page. Fascinating exploration of the feigned madness of HamletI am but mad north north-west
But when the wind is southerly, I can tell a hawk from a handsaw, Zach finished the famous quotation.
Sutherlins only as mad as Hamlet was. Dont believe everything youve heard about her. The lady knows her hawks from her handsaws.
Lady?
J.P. closed the book and didnt answer the insult. Zach turned to leave again.
You know, youre still young, Easton, and too handsome for your own good. You should try it sometime.
What? Madness? Zach asked, nodding toward the book.
No. Happiness.
Happiness? Zach allowed himself a bitter grin. Im afraid my memorys too good for that.
Zach returned to his office. His assistant, Mary, had left Nora Sutherlins manuscript on his desk along with a file folder.
Zach flipped the file open and barely glanced at Sutherlins bio. She was thirty-three, about a decade younger than him. Her first book had come out when she was twenty-nine. Shed released five titles since then; her second book, entitled Red, had created a minor sensationgreat sales, lots of buzz. Zach studied the numbers in the file and saw why J.P. was so eager to acquire her. With each subsequent release, her sales had nearly doubled. Zach ran through the little he knew of erotica writers in his mind. These days erotica was about the only growth market in publishing. But it shouldnt be about the money. Just the art.
Zach threw Sutherlins bio and sales projections in the trash. Hed stolen his philosophy of editing from the old New Criticsits just about the book. Not the author, not the market, not the readerone judged a book only by the book. He shouldnt care that Nora Sutherlins personal life was rumored to be as torrid as her prose. Only her book mattered. And his hopes for the book were not high.
Zach examined the manuscript with suspicion. Mary knew he preferred to read his books in hard copy versions. But shed obviously had a little too much fun printing out this one for him. Across the scarlet-red cover blazed the title in a lurid Gothic fontThe Consolation Prize. Editors almost invariably changed a books title, but he had to concede it was an interesting choice for a work of erotica. He opened the manuscript and read the first sentence: I dont want to write this story any more than you want to read it.
Zach paused in his reading as he felt the shadow of something old and familiar whisper across his shoulder. He brushed the sensation off and read the line again. Then the next one and the next one
2
Some days Zach hated his job. The actual editing he loved, taking a novel with pretensions of greatness and actually making it great. But the politics he hated, the budget crises, having to let a brilliant midlister go to make room for a better-selling hack And now here he was, hauling his arse into Connecticut to meet some loony smut writer whod somehow convinced one of the most respected lions in publishing that she deserved one of the best editors in literary fiction. Yes, some days he hated his job. Today he felt quite certain it hated him back.
Zach parked J.P.s car in front of a rather quaint two-story Tudor cottage in the tame and pedestrian suburb. He checked the address, his directions and stared at the house. Nora Sutherlinthe notorious erotica writer whose books were banned as often as they were translated lived here? Zach could imagine his own grandmother in this house forcing tea and biscuits on small children.
With a heavy sigh, he strode to the front door and rang the bell. Shortly after, he heard footsteps approachingsturdy, masculine footsteps. Zach allowed himself the pleasure of imagining that Nora Sutherlin might simply be the pen name for some overweight bloke in his mid-fifties.
A man did open the door. No, not a mana boy. A boy wearing nothing but plaid pajama pants and a cluster of hemp necklaces, one dangling a small silver cross, stood across the threshold from Zach and regarded him with a sleepy smile.
Nineteen, he said in an accent Zach immediately recognized as American South. Not sixteen. She just tells everybody Im sixteen for the street cred.
Street cred? Zach asked, stunned that the rumor of the teenage intern had proved true.
The boy shrugged his sun-freckled shoulders. Her words. Wesley Railey. Just Wes.
Zachary Easton. Im here to meet with youremployer?
The boy, Wesley, laughed and brushed a swath of dark blond hair out of his brown eyes with the graceful languor of youth.
My employer is right this way, he said, exaggerating the Southern accent for comic effect. Zach entered the house and found it cozy and homey, replete with overstuffed furniture and bursting bookcases. I like your accent. Youre British?
Lived in London the past ten years. You dont sound like a native, either.
Kentucky. But Moms a Georgia peach so thats where I get this mess from. I keep trying to lose it, but Nora wont let me. Has a thing for accents.
That does not bode well, Zach said as Wesley grabbed a V-neck white T-shirt off a pile of folded laundry and pulled it on. Zach noted the boys slim but muscular frame and wondered why Nora Sutherlin bothered with the intern pretense. A nineteen-year-old lover might be rather disgraceful for a woman of thirty-three but certainly legal.
Wesley led him down an abbreviated hallway. Without knocking he pushed open a door.
Nor, Mr. Eastons here.
He stepped to the side and Zach blinked in surprise at his first glimpse of the infamous Nora Sutherlin.
From all the rumors hed heard, hed expected some sort of Amazonian in red leather wielding a riding crop. Instead, he found a pale, petite beauty with wavy black hair barely contained in a loose knot at her nape. And no red leather in sight at all. She wore mens style pajamas, blue ones covered in what appeared to be little yellow ducks.
Her legs rested on top of her desk and she had her keyboard balanced across her lap. With quick nimble fingers she typed away, saying nothing and giving them only her beguiling profile.
Nora? Wesley prompted.
Ive got a crisp new Benjamin for the first person who can give me a good synonym for thrust, noun form. Go, she said, her voice both honeyed and sardonic.
Although irritated by her cavalier attitude and her unfortunate attractiveness, Zach couldnt help but scroll through his substantial mental thesaurus.
Push, lunge, shove, attack, force, jab, he rattled off the words.
His slow, relentless jabs sent her reeling she said. Sounds like commentary on a boxing match. Goddammit, why are there no good synonyms for thrust? Bane of my existence. Although She set her keyboard aside and turned to face him for the first time. I do love a man with a big vocabulary.
Zachs spine stiffened as the most unusually beautiful woman hed seen in years smiled at him. She stood up and walked on bare feet to him.
Ms. Sutherlin. Zach took her proffered hand. How do you do?
From her small stature he expected a dainty grip. But she grasped his hand with surprisingly strong fingers.
Gorgeous accent, she said. Not a bit of the old Scouser left, is there?
Youve done your homework, I see, Zach replied, troubled that she seemed to know more about him than he knew about her. He now regretted tossing her bio into the bin. But not everyone born in Liverpool speaks like a young Paul McCartney.
Shame. Her voice dropped to a whisper as she continued to gaze at him. What a shame.
Zach forced himself to really meet her eyes and then wished he hadnt. At first glance her eyes appeared a deep green, but she blinked and they seemed to change to a black so dark they likely could not remember the green they had just been. He knew that she looked only at his face, but still he felt stripped bare by her penetrating gaze, torn open. She knew him. He knew it, and he sensed she knew it, too.
Determined to regain control of the situation, Zach pulled his hand back.
Ms. Sutherlin
Right. Work. She returned to her desk. Zach glanced around her office and saw even more books than were in the living room: books and notebooks, stacks of paper and dark wooden filing cabinets.
One quick question, Mr. Easton, she said, dropping into her desk chair. Are you, by any chance, ashamed of being Jewish?
Excuse me? Zach said, not quite certain hed heard her correctly.
Nora, stop it, Wesley scolded.
Just curious, she said with an indifferent wave of her hand. You go by Zachary but your name is actually Zechariah like the Hebrew prophet. Why did you change it?
The question was so personal, so entirely none of her concern that Zach couldnt believe he deigned to answer it.
Ive been called Zach or Zachary since the day I was born. Only when filling out formal documents do I even remember Zechariah is actually my name. Zach kept his tone cool and even. He knew that he could only win here if he stayed calm and didnt allow her to get the rise out of him she so clearly desired. And the only thing I am ashamed of currently is this sudden downturn in my career.
He expected her to flinch or fight. Instead, she just laughed.
I really cant blame you. Have a seat and tell me all about it.
Warily, Zach sat down in the battered paisley armchair across from her desk. He started to cross his ankle over his knee but froze in midmovement as his foot tapped an unusually long black duffel bag that sat on the floor. He heard the distinct, unnerving sound of metal clinking against metal.
Ive got to get to class, Wesley said, sounding desperate to leave. That okay?
Oh, I doubt Mr. Easton will bend me over my desk and ravish me the second you leave, she said, winking at Zach. Unfortunately.
The words and the wink forced an image into Zachs mind of doing that very act. He forced the thought out just as quickly as she put it in.
Wesley shook his head in amused disgust.
Mr. Easton, good luck, Wesley said, turning to him. Just dont act impressed, and shell eventually settle down.
Impressed? Zach repeated. I doubt that will be a problem.
Zach waited for his words to register. He saw Wesleys eyes narrow, but she only looked at him from under her veil of black eyelashes.
Oh She nearly purred the word. I like him already.
God help us all. Wesley left on the heels of his prayer. Zach glanced back at Wesleys retreating form. He wasnt quite sure he wanted to be left alone with this woman.
Your son, I presume? Zach asked after Wesley departed.
My intern. Sort of. He cooks so I guess that makes him more of a factotum. Intern? Factotum?
Houseboy, Zach supplied, putting his large vocabulary to use again. And a rather well-trained one, I see.
Well-trained? Wesley? Hes horribly trained. I cant even train him to fuck me. But I dont think you drove all the way from the city just to talk about my intern with me, adorable as he is.
No, I did not. Zach fell silent. He waited and watched as Nora Sutherlin sat back in her chair and studied him with her unnerving eyes.
So she began. I can tell you dont like me. Shows youve got good taste in women at least. Also shows youve heard of me. Am I what you expected?
Zach stared at her a moment. The last three writers hed worked with had been men in their late fifties and early sixties. Never once had he seen any of them in their pajamas. And never had he met a writer as uncomfortably alluring as Nora Sutherlin.
Youre shorter.
Thank God for stilettos, right? So whats the verdict? J.P. said hes giving you total control over the book and me. Its been a long time since Ive let a man boss me around. I kind of miss it.
The verdict is undecided.
A well-hung jury then. Better give me a retrial.
Youre very clever.
Youre very handsome.
Zach shifted in his seat. He wasnt used to flirtation from his writers, either. Then again, she wasnt one of his writers.
That wasnt a compliment. Cleverness is the last recourse of an amateur. I look for depth in my books, passion, substance.
Passion I have.
Passion is not synonymous with sex. Ill admit your book was interesting and not entirely without merit. At one point I even detected a heart inside all that flesh.
I hear a but in there.
But the heartbeat was very faint. The patient might be terminal.
She looked at him and glanced away. Zach had seen that look beforeit was defeat. Hed scared her away as hed planned. He wondered why he wasnt happier about it.
Terminal She turned her face back to him. A new look was shining in her eyes. Its almost Easterthe season of Resurrection.
Resurrection? Really? Zach said, astonished by her tenacity. I leave for Royals L.A. offices in six weeks. Six weeks is not nearly enough time to involve myself with any project of worth or magnitude. But six weeks is all we have.
You just said six weeks isnt long enough
But its all I have to give. Fix it in six and its off to press. If not
If not, its back to the gutter for the guttersnipe writer, right?
Zach stared at her in stunned silence.
John-Paul Bonners the biggest gossip in the publishing industry, Mr. Easton. He told me what you think of me. He told me you think Ill fail.
Im quite certain of it.
If youre my editor, my failure will take you down, too.
Im not your editor yet. I havent agreed to anything.
You will. So why did you quit teaching?
Quit teaching?
You were a professor at Cambridge, right? Pretty good gig especially for someone so young. But you quit.
Ten years ago, Zach said, shocked by how much she seemed to know about him. How on earth had she learned about Cambridge?
So why
Why my personal life is of such fascination to you, I cannot fathom.
Im a cat. Youre a shiny object.
Youre insufferable.
I am, arent I? Somebody should spank me. She sighed. So youre kind of an asshole. No offense.
And you appear to be two or three words I dont feel quite comfortable saying aloud.
Id tell you to say them anyway, but I promised Wesley I wouldnt let you flirt with me. But I digress. Tell me whats wrong with my book. Say it slowly, she said, grinning.
You have a very sanguine attitude toward the editing process. What will you say when I tell you that you must cut out the ten to twenty pages youre certain constitute the living, beating heart of your book?
She said nothing for a long minute. Her eyes glanced away from him and she seemed to lose herself in a dark place. He watched as she breathed in slowly through her nose, held the breath then exhaled out her mouth. She turned her uncanny green eyes to him.
Then Ill say that I once cut the living, beating heart out of my own chest, she said, her voice devoid of its usual flippancy. I survived that amputation. Ill survive this one.
May I ask why youre so determined to work with me? Ive done my research, Ms. Sutherlin. You have a rabid fan following that would buy your phone bill in hardcover and still manage to wank off to it.
Im also very big in France.
Zach gritted his teeth and felt the first stirrings of an impending headache. Didnt your intern say you would settle down at some point?
Mr. Easton, she said, rolling back in her swivel chair and throwing her legs back on her desk. This is me settled down.
I was afraid of that. Zach stood, prepared to leave.
This book, she began and stopped. She moved her legs off the desk and sat cross-legged in her chair. For a moment she looked both very earnest and terribly young.
What about it?
She looked away and seemed to search for words. Itmeans something to me. Its not another one of my dirty little stories. I came to Royal because I need to do right by this book. She met his eyes again and without a trace of levity or mirth said, Please. I need your help.
I only work with serious writers.
Im not a serious person. I know that. But I am a serious writer. Writing is one of the only two things in this world I do take seriously.
And the other?
The Roman Catholic Church.
I think were done here.
Youre not much of an editor then, she taunted as he headed to the door. Its much too early for an ending. Im no editor and even I know that.
Ms. Sutherlin, youre obviously emotionally involved in your book. Thats fine for writing, but editing a book you love hurts.
I like doing things that hurt. She gave him a Cheshire cat grin. J.P. said you were the best. I think hes right. Ill do whatever it takes, whatever you say. Ill beg if it will help my case. Ill get down on my knees and beg if itll help yours.
Im going now.
J.P. also said they call you the London Fog around the office, she said as he turned his back to her. Is that because of the long coat, the accent or your gift for putting a cold, wet damper on everyones good time?
Ill leave you to decide that.
Tell me what to do and Ill do it, she called out, and Zach was forced to admire her stubbornness. He couldnt believe he was tempted to consider rewarding it.
A writer writes, he said, facing her again. Write something for me, something good. I dont care how long it is, and I dont care what its about. Just impress me. Youve got twenty-four hours. Show me you can create under pressure, and Ill consider it.
Youll be surprised what I can do under pressure, she said, but Zach had his doubts. The houseboy, the jokes, the flirtingshe was no serious writer. Any suggestions? she asked, slightly more sincere this time.
Stop writing what you know and start writing what you want to know. And, he said, pointing a finger at her, none of your cheap tricks.
Her spine straightened as if hed finally found an insult that stuck. I assure you, Mr. Easton, she said in a tone both stern and reproving, my tricks are anything but cheap.
Prove it then. Youve got twenty-four hours.
She leaned back in her chair and smiled.
Fuck your twenty-four hours. Youll have it tonight.
3
Numbing.
As an editor Zach often forced his writers to dig deep, cast aside the obvious and find the perfect word for every sentence. And the perfect word to describe this book release party hed been forced to attend? Numbing.
Zach stalked through the party saying little more than the occasional hello to various colleagues. Hed only come because once again J.P. had twisted his arm, and Rose Evelythe guest of honorhad been a Royal House writer for thirty years now. What a ludicrous party anywaysomeone dimmed the lights to create a nightclub sort of atmosphere but no amount of ambience could turn the banal hotel banquet hall into anything other than a beige box. He wandered toward a spiral staircase in the corner of the room to surreptitiously check his watch. If he could survive two hours at this party, maybe it would be long enough to placate his social butterfly of a boss.
Scanning the crowd, he saw his twenty-eight-year-old assistant, Mary, trying to talk her new husband into dancing with her. His first week at Royal, hed been pleasantly surprised to find out his spitfire of an assistant was, like him, Jewish. Hed teased her hed never known a Jew named Mary before and started calling her his pseudoshiksa. Mary, for all her endearing brusqueness, only ever called him Boss. J.P. stood with Rose Evely. Both J.P. and Evely had been happily married to their respective spouses for decades but nothing stopped J.P. from chivalrously flirting with any woman who had the patience to listen to his literary rambles. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves at this miserable party. Why wasnt he?
Once more he glanced down at his watch.
I can save you, if you want, came a voice from above him.
Zach spun around and looked up. Smiling down at him from over the top of the staircase was Nora Sutherlin.
Save me? He narrowed his eyes at her.
From this party. She crooked her index finger at him.
Zachs better judgment warned him that climbing that staircase could be a very bad idea indeed. Yet his feet overruled his reason, and he mounted the steps and joined her on the platform at the top. He raised his eyebrow as he cast a disapproving gaze over her clothes. That morning at her house, shed worn shapeless pajamas that concealed every part of her but her abundant personality. Now he saw on full display what his mind had before only imagined.
She wore red, of course. Scarlet red and not much of it. The dress stopped at the top of her thighs and started at the edge of her breasts. She had miraculous curves that the dramatic floor-length red jacket she wore over her dress did nothing to hide. Even worse, she wore black leather boots that laced all the way above her knees. Pirate boots and a roguish grin on a beautiful black-haired womanfor the first time in a long time Zach felt something other than numb.
How do you know I want to be saved from this party, Miss Sutherlin? Zach leaned back against the railing and crossed his arms.
Ive been watching you from my little crows nest here since the second you walked in. Youve said maybe five words to four people, youve checked your watch three times in as many minutes, and you whispered something to J.P., which, guessing from the look on his face, was a death threat. Youre here against your will. I can get you out.
Zach cocked a self-deprecating smile at her.
Unfortunately, youre right. I am here against my will. I have to wonder, however, why youre here at all. Didnt I give you homework? he asked, remembering his rash decision this morning to give her one chance to impress him.
You did. And I was a good girl and finished it. See?
He tried and failed to look away as she reached into the bodice of her dress and pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. The paper was still warm from her skin.
This is it? he asked, seeing only three paragraphs on the page.
Dont judge a book by its mother. Just read.
Zach glanced at her once more and wished he hadnt. Every time he looked at her, he found something else to attract him. Her jacket had slipped down her arm and her pale sculpted shoulder peeked out. Sculpted? His petite little writer had some muscle to go along with her impressive curves. Tougher than she looked.
Remembering himself, Zach turned from her, tilted the page into a patch of light and read.
First she noticed his hips. The eyes might be the windows to the soul, but a mans hips were his seat of power. She doubted hed chosen those perfectly fitted jeans and that black T-shirt that belied the tautness of his stomach for the purpose of flattering his lower body, but he had and now she lost herself in the thought of caressing with her lips that exquisite hollow that lay between smooth skin and elegantly jutting hip bone.
She had to meet his eyes eventually. With reluctance she dragged her gaze to his face, as dignified and angular as the rest of him. Pale skin and dark Brutus-cut hair contrasted with eyes the color of ice. Glacial, she decided his eyes werethey spoke of hidden depths. A stark beauty, he was a man made to be admired by intelligent women.
Lean and tall but with the substantial mass of an athlete, he was utterly masculine. The world had fallen away in his presence and now that he was gone, she was left in the equally potent presence of his absence.
Zach read the words one more time trying all the while to ignore the annoyingly pleasant image of Nora Sutherlin caressing his naked hips with her mouth.
Ive noticed you usually shy away from long descriptive passages in your book, he said.
I know people think erotica is just a romance novel with rougher sex. Its not. If its a subgenre of anything, its horror.
Horror? Really?
Romance is sex plus love. Erotica is sex plus fear. Youre terrified of me, arent you?
Slightly, he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.
A smart horror writer will never put too much detail in about the monster. The readers imaginations can conjure their own demons. In erotica you never want your main characters to be too physically specific. That way your readers can insert their own fantasies, their own fears. Erotica is a joint effort between writer and reader.
How so? Zach asked, intrigued that Nora Sutherlin would have her own literary theories.
Writing erotica is like fucking someone for the first time. You arent sure exactly what he wants yet so you try to give him everything he could possibly want. Everything and anything She enunciated the words like a cat stretching in sunlight. You hit every nerve and eventually youll hit the nerve. Have I hit any nerves yet?
Zach clenched his jaw. Not any of them you were aiming for.
You dont know what I was aiming for. So what do you think of the writing?
Could be better. He refolded the page. You use was too much.
Rough draft, she said unapologetically. She stared at him with dark, waiting eyes.
The last lines the strongestthe equally potent presence of his absence. Zach knew he should give the page back to her but for some reason he stuck it in his pocket. Its good.
She gave him a slow, dangerous smile.
Its you.
Zach only stared at her a moment before pulling the folded page back out.
This is me? he asked, his skin flushing.
It is. Every last long, lean inch of you. I wrote it right after you left this morning. I was, needless to say, inspired by your visit.
Swallowing hard, Zach unfolded the sheet again. Brutus-cut black hairice-colored eyesjeans, black shirt It was him.
Excuse me, Zach began, trying to regain control of this conversation, but didnt I repeatedly insult you this morning?
Your kvetching was very fetching. I like men who are mean to me. I trust them more.
She tilted her head to the side and her unruly black hair fell over her forehead, veiling her green-black eyes.
Forgive me. I might be speechless right now.
Your orders, she said. You told me to stop writing what I knew and start writing what I wanted to know. I want to knowyou.
She took a step closer and Zachs heart dropped a few feet and landed somewhere in the vicinity of his groin.
Who are you, Ms. Sutherlin? he asked, not quite knowing what he meant by that question.
Im just a writer. A writer named Nora. And you can call me that, Zach.
Nora then. Im sorry. Im not used to being hit on by my writers. Especially after verbally abusing them.
Noras eyes flashed with amusement.
Verbal abuse? Zach, where I come from slut is a term of endearment. Want to see where I come from?
No.
Pity, she said, sounding not at all surprised or disappointed. Where should we go then? I promised to save you from this party, didnt I?
I really shouldnt leave, Zach said, terrified what would happen the second he found himself alone with Nora.
Come on, Zach. This party sucks and not in the good way. Ive had pap smears more fun than this.
Zach covered a laugh with a cough.
I must admit you do have a way with words.
So youll edit me then? Please? She batted her eyelashes at him in mock innocence. You wont regret it.
Zach glanced up at the ceiling as if it could give him some hint of what the hell he was getting himself into. Nora Sutherlinhe had only six weeks left in New York until he left for L.A. Why was he even considering getting involved with Nora Sutherlin and her book? He knew why. He had nothing else in his life right now. He liked Mary and enjoyed working for J.P. But hed made no friends in New York, no connections of any kind. He hadnt allowed himself to even consider dating. One day hed taken off his wedding ring in a fit of anger and couldnt find a reason to put it back on. He wouldnt consider inflicting himself on any woman right now. At least working with Nora Sutherlin might give him a much-needed distraction from his misery. She seemed like the type of woman whod help you forget about your headache by setting your bed on fire.
Wont regret it? He already did.
You do realize that working with you could be bad for my career, Zach said. I do literary fiction, not
Literary friction?
I cant believe Im doing this. Zach shook his head.
Nora leaned in close to him. He was suddenly and uncomfortably aware of the long, bare curve of her neck. She smelled of hothouse flowers in bloom.
I can. She breathed the words into his ear.
Zach exhaled slowly and pulled, reluctantly, away from her.
Im a brutal editor.
I like brutal.
Ill make you rewrite the whole book.
Now youre trying to turn me on, arent you? Shall we?
Fine, he finally said. Save me then.
Lets do it, she said. If J.P. gives you shit about leaving the party with me, tell him it was my idea for us to go work on my book. J.P. wont spank me.
Im not certain of that, Zach said.
I knew I liked that man for a reason.
I need to say a few goodbyes if were leaving. J.P. for one. Then Mary. And he hadnt met her husband yet. And Rose Evely, too.
Nope. Cant do that, Nora said. Never say goodbye when you leave a party. That way you leave a mystery in your place. Theyll have so much more fun talking about us than they ever would talking to us. Cant you already hear them? Zach Easton just left with Nora Sutherlin. Are theysurely notof course they are
We arent, Zach said with finality.
I know that. You know that. They dont know that.
Zach looked around the room. Everywhere he looked he saw eyes glancing furtively in their direction. The most intense gazing came from Thomas Finley, his least favorite coworker. Zach noted that Finley didnt so much stare at him as he did at Nora. And the look in his eyes wasnt particularly friendly.
I prefer not being a topic of gossip, Zach said.
Too late. At least with me, itll be really good gossip. She strode down the staircase with an audacious kick of her heels on each step.
Zach followed in her wake. The crowd parted for her as she cut a bloodred swath through the center of the room.
Finally free of the suffocating party, Zach threw on his coat and breathed in the bracing winter evening air.
A cab stopped within seconds for Nora and she slipped gracefully inside. He took a sharp breath as her black-booted legs disappeared into the cab. One more time he asked himself what the hell he was doing before sliding in next to her.
Nora said nothing as he joined her, only turned her head and gazed out at the night. She seemed to be trying to stare down the city. He had a feeling the city would blink first.
Nervously, he rubbed the empty spot where hed once worn his wedding band. Nora reached out and wrapped her hand around his ring finger. Facing him now, she raised her eyebrow in a question.
Grace, he answered.
Nora nodded. You married a princess.
Princess Graceher mother called her that.
She hates being called Princess. Zach heard the anguish in his voice.
Nora lifted his hand and brought it to her neck. She pressed his fingers into her throat. Her pulse throbbed through her warm, soft skin.
S?ren, she said and met his eyes. In those dark, dangerous depths he saw a glimmer of something humannot merely sympathy but empathy. And he felt something inhuman in responsenot passion but pure animal need. For a brief moment he imagined his hands digging into her thighs and the bite of her leather boots on his back. He tore his gaze away before her uncanny ability to read him saw that image in his hungry gaze.
She released his hand just as the cab pulled up in front of Zachs apartment building. He opened the door and got out. He wanted to ask her up, wanted to spend a few hours forgetting his pain and all the reasons for it. But he couldnt, could he? Because of Grace, not that she would care anymore. Zach opened his mouth but before he could ask Nora up, she reached out to shut the door.
See, Zach? I told you Id save you.
* * *
Nora watched Zach stare after the cab before turning and walking into his building. What a beautiful wreck of a man. Kingsley always said beautiful wrecks were a specialty of hers. He should know. He certainly qualified as one himself.
Where to, lady?
Nora thought about it for a moment. For the next six weeks she and Zach would rewrite her book. If he started kicking her ass tomorrow, might be cathartic to kick a little ass of her own tonight.
Lady? her driver prompted.
Nora rattled off an address for a Manhattan town house and nearly laughed as she saw her drivers eyes widen in the rearview mirror.
You sure about that? Thats no place for a nice girl to go after dark. Or ever.
This time Nora did laugh out loud. Every cabdriver in town knew Kingsleys address. No one with anything to lose would ever turn up there in his or her own car. Good thing she had nothing to lose. Not anymore anyway.
Nora looked back out onto the city night. S?ren might kill her for getting involved with a guy like Zach, a guy still technically married. Pissing off S?renyet another reason to go for it.
Dont worry. She crossed her legs and leaned back in the seat. Shed tip the driver a Benjamin just for giving her a giggle. Im not a nice girl.
4
Everything hurtback, arms, wrists, fingers, neckeverything. Nora hadnt been this sore in years. Not since the old days anyway. Zach hadnt been kiddinghe was a brutal editor. And shed been righthe was kicking her ass. Nora allowed herself a smile. Shed forgotten how much she liked having her ass kicked.
She read through Zachs notes again on her first chapters. Nice to see he had quite the sadistic streak in him. Of course she couldnt imagine him taking a real whip to hermores the pity. But he had a gift for tongue-lashings. Hed been her editor for all of three days and so far hed already called her a guttersnipe writer whose books were melodramatic, maniacal and unhygienic. Unhygienic had been her personal favorite.
Nora stretched her aching back as Wesley entered her office and collapsed into the armchair across from her desk.
Hows the rewrite going? he asked.
Horrible. Its day three and Ive rewrittennothing.
Nothing?
Zach shredded the book. Nora held up a sheaf of paper. The morning after the release party Zach sent her a dozen pages of notes on the first three chapters alone. You sure this guys the right editor for you? Cant you work with somebody else?
Nora picked up her tea and sipped at it. Shed rather not talk about the contract situation with Wesley. J.P. had told her Zach got final say on whether her book got published, but she hadnt passed that information on to Wesley. Poor kid worried about her enough as it was.
Apparently not. John-Paul Bonner had to practically beg to even get Zach to meet me.
Wesley shrugged and crossed his arms.
Not sure I like him. He was kind of, I dont know
An ass? You can say ass around me. Its in the Bible, she reminded him with a wink.
He was a jerk to you. Hows that?
Zachs a slave-driver. But I like that about him. Brings back memories. She sat back in her chair and smiled into her tea.
Wesley groaned. Do you really have to bring up S?ren?
Nora grimaced. Wesley hated it when she brought up her ex.
Sorry, kiddo. But even if Zachs an ass, hes still amazing at his job. I feel like Im finally learning how to write a book. Books at Libretto were commodities. Royal treats writers like artists. I think this book deserves more than Libretto could give it.
Nora didnt mention that Libretto wouldnt publish it even if she wanted them to. Once Mark Klein found out shed been shopping around for a new publisher, he cut off everything but contractually obligated contact with her. Wesley didnt need to know that Royal House was the only reputable publisher whod given her the time of day. Despite their rocky start, she looked forward to working with Zach. He had a sterling reputation in the publishing industry, not to mention being stunning and fun to flirt with. Especially since he pretended he hated it when she did.
Whats this book about anyway? Wesley asked.
Its kind of a love story. Not my usual boy-meets-girl, boy-beats-girl story. My two characters love each other but they dont belong together. The whole book is themagainst their willbreaking up.
Wesley plucked at a loose thread in the battered armchair.
But they love each other? Why wouldnt they belong together?
Nora released a wistful sigh. Spoken like a nineteen-year-old.
I like happy endings. Is that a crime?
Its just unrealistic. You dont think two people can break up and still be happy eventually?
Wesley paused. He tended to act before thinking, but he always thought before he spoke. She studied him while he pondered her question. Gorgeous kid. He drove her up the wall with those big brown eyes of his and sweetly handsome face. For the millionth time since asking him to move in with her she wondered what the hell shed been thinking by dragging this innocent into her world.
You left him, Wesley finally said. HimS?ren.
Yeah, she said, biting her bottom lip, a habit S?ren had been trying to break her of for eighteen years. I did.
Are you happy without him? Wesley turned his eyes back to her.
Some days, yes. Then some days its like I just got my arm blown off. But this book isnt about S?ren.
Can I read it?
Not a chance. Maybe when its rewritten. Or maybe
Nora grinned at him, and Wesley suddenly looked nervous.
She got out of her chair and sat on the edge of her desk and put a foot on each arm of his chair.
Lets play a game, she said leaning in close. Wesley sat up straight and pressed back into the chair. Ill trade you my book for your body.
Im your intern. This counts as sexual harassment.
Being sexually harassed is in your job description, remember?
Wesley shifted in the chair. She loved how jumpy she still made him even after over a year in the same house. A sandy-blond lock of hair fell over his forehead. She reached out to brush it back.
Wesley ducked under her leg before she could touch him and stood just out of reach.
Coward, she teased.
Wesley started to say something but they both froze at the blaring ring that echoed from the vicinity of her desk.
The smile that had been in Wesleys eyes vanished as Nora dug out a sleek red cell phone from under a pile of papers.
La Ma?tresse speaking, she answered.
The book, Wesley mouthed. His eyes pleaded with her.
With the phone still at her ear Nora walked up to Wesley. She moved so close he started stepping back. She took another step toward him, and he took another step back.
Go do your homework, junior, she said, and Wesley gave her the closest thing to a mean look he had.
You have homework, too, he reminded her.
Im not a biochemistry major at a fucking brutal liberal arts college. Scoot. The grown-ups are talking now.
She shut the door in his face.
Talk, Kingsley, she said into the phone. This better be good.
* * *
Working late as usual, I see.
Zach glanced up from his notes on Noras book and found J.P. standing outside his office with a newspaper under his arm. He checked his watch.
After eight already? Zach asked, shocked by his sudden immunity to the passage of time. Good Lord.
Must be reading something good. J.P. entered Zachs office and sat down.
Possibly. Herelisten to this. Zach opened her manuscript to a marked page and read aloud.
It is a pleasure to watch her work. From my desk in the office I need only to move my chair six inches to the right and I can see the kitchens reflection in the hall mirror with such clarity that I feel like a ghost in the room.
This is what I seeCaroline, who at twenty still retains the coltish legs of a much younger girl, pushes a stool to the counter. It wobbles nervously under her knees as she kneels on it with a steadying breath. She opens the cabinet that houses my wineglasses, my deliberately mismatched collection, all of which are older than her and one or two which are older than this adolescent country. She takes them one by one from the rack; their fragile stems shiver in her delicate fingers.
I brought her to this moment by design. I could have tortured her with tasks, with arduous acts of service. Instead, I chose to torture her with boredom, curious to see what the devil would do with her idle hands. Interesting that in my home it is the objects most easily broken that draw her attention first. With a soft, clean cloth she polishes every glass. She holds the bowl like a bird, strokes the stem like the back of a cat, wipes every old whisper off the lip. I see her eyes count the glasses. I count them with her. Thirteen. Last night I showed her the lash but did not use it on her. Thirteenone lash for every glass she touched without my permission.
Thirteentonight I think Ill whip her first and tell her why after.
Zach closed the manuscript and waited for J.P.s reaction. J.P. whistled, and Zach raised his eyebrow at him.
I think that rather turned me on. Should that worry me? J.P. asked with a rakish grin.
Since Im the only other person in the room, I think it should probably worry me a great deal more, Zach said. Its rather good, isnt it? The content is slightly unsettling but the writing
Shes got talent. I told you. I hope this means you are no longer planning on killing me.
Killing you?
J.P. grinned. Yes, for twisting your arm over Sutherlin.
Zach laughed a little. No, Im not going to kill you anymore. But tell mewas I really the only editor who could or would work with her?
I suppose I could have dug up someone else. No one near as good as you, though. Anyway, Sutherlin requested you.
Zach looked up in surprise.
She did?
Well, not by name. J.P. looked slightly sheepish. She told me to give her to whichever editor would flog her the hardest. Yours was the first and quite honestly the only name that came to mind.
Im hardly flogging her.
What would you call it? J.P. had a dark twinkle in his eyes.
I dont believe I will justify that insinuating tone in your voice with a response. We were discussing the book after all.
Yes, quite a stunning little book you waltzed out of Roses party with Monday night.
Im a professional, Zach said calmly. I dont shag my writers.
He omitted mentioning how shamefully close hed come to asking Nora up after the cab ride to his building. He still couldnt believe shed gotten to him that fast. In ten years of marriage hed never once been unfaithful to Grace, never even wanted to be. And then in one day Nora Sutherlin was putting thoughts in his head he hadnt let himself have in years.
Ive seen her. I wouldnt blame you if you did. But its just a shock. Im surrounded by postfeminists and neo-Freudians. Whatever happened to that forgot the author, only the book matters philosophy?
One cab ride and one good conversation hardly makes me a Freudian. Ill admit I was a bit of a prig about her. She is a good writer and the book has potential. If Im warming up to her its only because Im warming up to the book. But she is starkers. That I was right about.
Shes a writer. Shes supposed to be mad.
At least shes also a mad worker. Shes already sent me a full synopsis of every chapter and the new outline I ordered.
Hows the new outline?
Better, Zach said and glanced at his notes. But still, more sex than substance. I think shes capable of substance. Just afraid of it.
She does seem fairly married to her bad-girl writer persona, J.P. said, and Zach nodded his agreement. It lends her credibility if she makes people think that she practices what she preaches. Getting her to retire her proverbial whip and take up the pen full-time wont be easy.
But if she did Zach glanced down at the manuscript and remembered his reaction Tuesday morning when hed forced himself to read it again, this time with an open mind. The words had simmered on the page, flared into life and burned. Hed gotten so engrossed in the story hed forgotten that he was supposed to be editing it. If she did, she could set the world on fire, and she wouldnt even need a candle. And dont you dare tell her anything I just said. Ive got to keep her afraid of me if Im going to keep her writing.
J.P. laughed to himself, and Zach stared at him.
What? Zach demanded.
J.P. took the newspaper out from under his arm and unfolded it. It was a copy of the New Amsterdam Noteworthy, a biweekly New York trade publication that carried the most recent news in publishing. J.P. threw the paper on Zachs desk. On the bottom front page was a small photo of him and Nora on the staircase at Rose Evelys party. Zach hadnt remembered a camera flash. Apparently the photographer had been far enough away hed missed it. In the photo Nora leaned toward Zach with her mouth near his ear. It looked as if she was about to kiss him on the neck. Zach knew exactly what moment that was. It was when hed said he couldnt believe he was doing this and shed responded with a seductive I can. The caption under the photograph read, Nora Sutherlinthe only writer who could make Ana?s Nin blush.
She doesnt look scared to me, J.P. said. You look a little petrified, however.
J.P., I
I dont want to have to find another editor for Sutherlin. But I will if I must. I dont mind if the book sells because of the sex in it. But I dont want anyone thinking that writers have to do more than write when they come to Royal.
Zach rubbed his forehead.
I swear its just about the book. And no, you dont have to find another editor for her. I know we can make something good together.
I think you can, too. If you stay focused. J.P. sounded skeptical.
I am focused.
Easton, Im an old man. My hearings going and Ive got two knees on the way out. But my eyes can still see. Since the day you arrived here, you havent once smiled like you meant it. And when I walked into this office and caught you reading her book, you were smiling like a lad who just found his fathers Playboy stash. Ive tried writing in bed before. I never seem to get much done.
Zach opened his mouth again, but J.P. raised his hand to cut him off.
You can keep working with Sutherlin. For now. Just take a little advice
Id rather not.
J.P. reached across Zachs desk and grabbed the manuscript. He flipped it open and whistled. No doubt his eyes had landed on one of the myriad erotic encounters in the book.
In the words of Charlotte Bront?, J.P. began, Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation. Or in the words of me Keep it on paper, Easton.
Zach clenched his jaw and did not reply. J.P. grabbed the newspaper with Zach and Noras picture and left him alone once again with her book.
Closing his eyes, Zach conjured an image of Grace. God, he was glad she was in England where she wouldnt see that photo. But why worry? Even if she saw it, saw him with another woman, would she care? Of course not. If she did, shed be with him in New York right now.
With a tired sigh he turned to a page in Noras book hed marked with a paperclip. Caroline is sleeping in a separate room from her lover after an argument. William wakes and walks on silent feet to her door. Cracking it just slightly, he pauses and listens until he hears her breathe. The image haunted Zach. The last year with Grace had become a nightmare of shutting doors and separate rooms. Still he could never let the night pass without at least looking in on his sleeping wife until that one terrible night when he found the door locked. The next day J.P. called and invited him to New York and to Royal House with the promise of the chief managing editor position at the L.A. offices when the current chief retired. Zach didnt even bother to ask what he would be paid before saying yes.
Why was he letting himself think about this? He had to stay objective about the book and its enigmatic author with her dark hair and red dress and her words that burned.
Keep it on paper, Easton
Easier said than done.
5
The phone rang at seven and the call itself consisted of only seven wordsher hello followed by his The club at nine. Wait blindfolded.
With shaking hands she hung up the phone and went to shower.
She arrived at 8:46. In most areas of her life she ran habitually five minutes late. But shed learned the hard way never to keep him waiting.
He had his own room at the club, only one of seven people who did. And she had a key to his room, only one of two people who did.
His room was spare and strangely elegant considering its only purpose. Apart from three floor-standing candlesticks, his room was simply adorned. Rich white and black linens covered the bed. White sheets waiting to be stained.
She undressed completely and found the black silk scarf. Kneeling on the bed with her back to the door, she closed her eyes and wrapped the sash around her head. She hated this part, hated sacrificing her sight to him. It wasnt fear so much as greed. She wanted to see him, wanted to see him hurt her, wanted to see him in her. He knew thats what she wanted. Thats why he ordered the blindfold so often.
She waited.
While she waited for him to arrive, she began the deep, slow breathing he had taught her long ago. She took the air in through her nose and pulled it into her stomach before exhaling out through her mouth. The breaths werent simply to relax her although they did take the edge off her nervousness. The hypnotic breathing lulled her and helped her slip closer into subspace, that safe place where the mind went while the body was elsewhere being tortured. There was a third reason for the breathing he had never told her, but she knew was truehed ordered her to do it. Even the very air that went into her lungs did so at his command.
She exhaled when she heard the door quietly open. Straining her ears, she tried to hear everything he did. He didnt speak. He rarely spoke at these moments. She listened and heard with some relief the sound of only one set of feet. Sometimes he didnt come alone. She heard him strike a match and light the candles; she sensed the room brighten.
Five minutes or more passed in silence before he came to the bed. A shiver ran through her body as he placed his fingertips on the small of her back. The pleasure of the shockingly gentle touch was so intense it felt like something had pierced her back all the way through to her stomach. She sighed as he kissed her naked shoulder. She stiffened when he locked her collar around her neck.
He rarely used the leash in their private interludes. He reserved the leash to humiliate her when he paraded her through the club. When alone he simply slipped two fingers under her collar and dragged her like a dog to where he wanted her. The collar tightened when his fingers gripped the leather band. He pulled and she came with him as he brought her carefully off the bed. He was always so cautious with her when she was blindfolded, careful to never let her trip or hurt herself in any way. Hurting her was his privilege alone.
He pushed her forward and she felt the bedpost against her shoulder. Taking her arms one by one, he pulled them behind her back. She leaned her weight into the wood as he buckled the leather bondage cuffs on each wrist. He raised her arms over her head and secured them high to the top of the bedpost.
She stiffened as she felt his hands cover her face. They did nothing but rest there a moment before they moved over her head. Slowly, they ran over her neck and across her shoulders, up her arms and down them again. His arms encircled her and slid over her chest, breasts, and stomach and up her sides before gliding up and down the expanse of her back. One hand slipped between her legs as the other passed over hips and buttocks, down one leg and up again, then down the other. Finally, he ran his hands over the tops of her feet and then lightly passed them over the sensitive soles. She tried not to smile at the exquisitely gentle sensation of his hands touching every part of her body. She knew what he was doing. If more than three days passed without him taking her, he would perform this ritual of re-marking his territory. Her body was his territory, his hands were saying. Every inch of it.
She sensed him step away from her. She began her slow deep breathing again. When the first blow landed between her shoulders, she flinched but did not cry out. The second one came harder and this time she did flinch. By the tenth her back was on fire. After twenty she lost count.
Behind her blindfold, time ceased to pass in its customary manner. Five minutes of flogging lasted an hour. One night in his arms passed in minutes. An hour-long beating was something to be grateful for. The beating would seem to last forever. Even eternity in Hell was no Hell if he was there.
The flogging finally ceased. He pressed in close to her. She felt his strong, bare chest against her burning back. She breathed in and inhaled his scent. Even warm from exertion and arousal he still smelled like a deep winter night.
He placed his hands on her fluttering stomach and brought them slowly up to her breasts. A night with him always meant waning pleasure and waxing pain, waxing pleasure and waning pain. He brought her through the cycle over and over again. The pain brought her body to life. The pleasure was always most acute when it followed the pain.
Now it was pleasure alone she felt as he caressed her breasts and teased her nipples. His mouth found the spot between her shoulder blades that when touched sent a thrill straight into her stomach. One hand slid between her legs and touched her clitoris. With his finger and thumb he massaged it until she was so close to coming she felt the first muscle contraction.
He pulled away from her, leaving her panting and desperate for him. She prayed hed let her down now, let her down and finally take her.
When she heard the whistling sound of something slicing through the air, she knew he wasnt done hurting her yet.
After so many years together shed learned how to prepare herself for a flogging, for the whip and the strap. She knew tricks, ways to breathe, ways to hold herself, to alleviate the pain even as she received it. But when it came to the cane, nothing helped. And when the first strike landed on her lower thighs, she could do nothing but cry out. The second came on the heels of the first, a little harder and one inch higher. On the fourth strike she screamed and felt the blindfold turn wet with tears. The fifth was lighter only because the sixth and final strike was always the worst. The sixth landed in a diagonal across all five previous welts. She sagged in her bonds and cried. He didnt always beat her until she cried. She learned to love and fear those nights he did. He saved up her pain, counted it like currency and the more pain she endured, the more pleasure she could buy with it.
When he untied her from the bedpost, her arms fell like dead weight to her sides and her knees buckled. He caught her before she collapsed and laid her tenderly on the center of the bed.
His mouth was at her ear now. With words intimate and secret he whispered his love for her, his pride that she was his property, his possession, his heart. She was always his, would forever be his. New tears flowed now but they were ones wrenched from her by love and not torture. This was her favorite pain.
He kissed her now on the mouth for the first time. He kissed her like he owned her, as he owned her. He kissed her like her mouth was his mouth, her lips were his lips, her tongue was his tongue. They were one flesh. They needed no wedding ring, no ceremony to know that was true. She had the collar around her neck. She did not envy married women what they had. She would take his collar over a blood diamond and a cheap gold band any day and for all time.
He moved away from her again. She waited on her aching back and relished the absence of pain. When he returned to her he pulled the coverlet down underneath her so she lay on the sheets. He took her by the knees and wrapped a soft cotton rope around them. She relaxed and let him tie her to the bed. Her knees were up and pulled wide. She lay completely open now. No matter how hard she could try to close her legs, she couldnt. She never tried.
The bed shifted. She knew he knelt between her wide-open thighs. She inhaled sharply when she felt his fingers slowly enter her. He opened his fingers to widen her, to prepare her for his penetration. He pushed into the back wall of her vagina and pressed down until she flinched hard around his hand. Her passage was slick and wet for him. But he was large enough that he could tear her or bruise her if he didnt ready her for him first. There were times he took her so roughly she bled. Those were the nights he was lost to himself, lost in the darkness that hid beneath the shadow of his heart. But tonight he wasnt lost. He was with her.
She felt the wet tip of him poised at the entrance to her body. He pushed in slowly. She whimpered as she stretched and opened to take all of him. If she could have taken his whole being inside her she would. If she could disappear inside him and live in his skin she would.
He moved in her with long meticulous thrusts that filled and emptied her. His pace did not quicken. He gripped her wrists and pressed them into the bed. Many nights he would secure her wrists with rope, as well. But some nights he needed to hold her down with his own hands.
She lay beneath him and panted. Tied as she was she could do little more than take him. She wanted to beg but he hadnt given her permission to speak. She tilted her hips up as much as she could to take even more of him in her. With one hand still on her wrists, his other hand reached between them and caressed her where their bodies joined. The pressure built in her hips. A knot tightened in her stomach and she felt an invisible rope pull her toward the ceiling. She came hard and spasmed around him. He didnt stop.
The second climax came not long after the first one. He could manipulate her body as if he knew it better than his own. It terrified her at times how in control of himself he was even when inside her.
He thrust harder. He pushed in deeper, moved faster. She gasped as his grip on her wrists tightened to the point of pain. With one final push he poured into her. When he came at last it was in complete silence.
Still inside her he reached behind her head and untied the blindfold. She looked to the side and didnt meet his eyes.
Look at me, he ordered and she did so gratefully. His steel-gray eyes glowed with his love for her.
I love you, sir, she whispered.
The slap came so sudden and fierce that her whole body shuddered in shock.
Did I give you permission to speak?
This time she didnt answer. She shook her head. The movement dislodged a tear that had been lurking at the corner of her eye.
He smiled at her and dipped his lips to hers. He kissed her again and she relaxed into his mouth. His lips moved to her neck and up to her ear.
I love you, too.
Still buried deep inside her, he began to thrust into her once again. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back as he wrapped his hand around her neck. Her collar bit into her throat.
She swallowed hard against his hand and breathed and breathed.
Hed only just begun to hurt her tonight.
Hey, Nor, Im home. Want some dinner?
Nora blinked and rubbed her eyes, which had gone dry from staring at her computer screen for so long.
Wesley stood just inside her office and at first she could barely focus on him. She saw him but saw through him and past him at the same time.
Sounds good. She glanced at the words on her screen. Im starving.
Pasta?
Too many carbs.
Wesley rolled his eyes. Fine. Salad and fish?
Fish? But its not Friday.
Youre the Catholic. Im Methodist. We eat fish whenever we want. Give me twenty minutes.
Wesley left her alone again. She printed out the pages shed been typing and read through them.
The phone rang at seven and the call itself consisted of only seven words
She read to the end and pressed the pages, still warm from the printer, briefly to her chest. Reluctantly, she slid the pages under her desk and fed them one by one through the shredder. She highlighted the text on her computer screen and hit Delete, flinching as the text disappeared. She closed the document and let the words disappear into the ether. She hated to do it. But she knew The Rule. She obeyed the Ruler.
Nora stood up for the first time in an hour and left her office. When she saw Wesley standing at the kitchen counter she actually could see him now. He smiled at her. She smiled back.
So what did you write today? he asked as he expertly sliced through the skin of a ripe red tomato.
A really hot sex scene with a lot of S&M between a girl and her true love, she said and Wesley rolled his eyes at her, his usual response to her wickeder scenes. But dont worry, I deleted it.
How come? he asked, popping a chunk of tomato into his mouth.
Nora leaned against Wesley, taking temporary comfort in his warm, strong chest. He wrapped his arm around her and rested his chin on top of her head.
It wasnt fiction.
6
My Caroline,
I didnt want to write this story any more than you want to read it. Its us. Of course its us. A name changed here, a date changed therebut still us. You have always been my only muse. I cannot paint or sculpt. I have only my words to render your likeness. Sometimes I wish I were both God and Adam so I could tear out my rib and create you from my own flesh. I would say Id create you from my heart, but I gave that to you when you left me. But thats a clich, isnt it? Sadly, thats all I have these days. The whole story is a clich. I desired you. I ate of you. I lost you. That ancient storyolder than the Garden, old as the Snake. I would have liked to call this story of ours The Temptation but the word temptation, once the province of pious theologians, has now been co-opted by every third second-rate romance novelist. And although I loved you, my beautiful girl, this is not a romance novel.
Like it, Zach?
Zach blinked at the interruption, lost as he was in Noras new words.
Its quite an improvement.
An improvement? Oh, I meant the cocoa.
Zach sat in Noras bright kitchen, the winter sun turning everything white. Noras new draft of the first chapter sat in front of him and a cup of hot chocolate steamed at his elbow. He sipped the cocoa and felt like a lad again in his grandmothers kitchen.
Very good, he said, inhaling the warm steam. So is this.
He tapped the pages in front of him. Nora had taken his advice and created a frame story for her book. It would be a letter her narrator, William, was writing to Caroline, the woman he loved and lost. It was working beautifully alreadythe book and the partnership with Nora. Hed rarely gone to his writers homes and certainly never sat with them at their kitchen table and drank cocoa. Nora was proving to be a different breed from any writer hed ever before known. This is not a romance novel Zach read from her new first chapter. Excellent line. Evocative and provocative. Ironic, as well.
Ironic? Nora sipped at her own mug of hot cocoa. She sat across from him at the table and pulled one leg up to her chest. Its true. It isnt a romance novel.
Not a traditional one, of course. Your protagonists dont end up together, but it is a love story.
A love story is not the same as a romance novel. A romance novel is the story of two people falling in love against their will. This is a story of two people who leave each other against their will. It starts to end the minute they meet.
Why does it end? You seem like an optimist to me, but the end is heartrending. The last thing she wants to do is leave him, and yet in the end she goes.
Nora left her chair and went to the kitchen cabinet by the refrigerator.
Im no optimist, she said as she opened the cabinet door. Im just a realist who smiles too much. And the reason William and Caroline dont stay together is that while he really is in the lifestyle, shes not. Shes only in the relationship for him. Its their sexuality thats the problem, not the love. Its like a gay man being married to a straight woman. No matter how much he loves her, its a sacrifice every moment theyre together. The sex is secondary to the sacrifice.
A very close second, I notice.
Nora laughed. She closed the cabinet door and knelt on the floor. She opened the bottom door and gave a victorious laugh.
Found them. She pulled out a bag of marshmallows. I have to hide the sugar from Wes.
Has a sweet tooth, does he?
He has type 1 diabetes. And a sweet tooth. Bad combination. Hes usually really good about what he eats, but I catch him staring pretty longingly when I have cocoa and marshmallows.
Zach wondered if it was actually the sugar Wesley had been staring at and not Nora. He couldnt take his own eyes off this woman. Shed been captivating in her signature red Monday night. And now in casual clothes she looked casually stunning. He watched her as she rolled back onto her toes and rose straight up off the floor with the well-trained grace of a geisha. He marveled at her offhand display of almost balletic agility while she leaned over the table and dropped a handful of marshmallows into his cocoa and hers.
Zach, dont take this the wrong way, but youre even more ridiculously handsome when you look happy, she said, dropping back into her chair and popping a marshmallow into her mouth. You arent, by any chance, enjoying working with me? The London Fog isnt lifting, is it?
Zach took a sip of his cocoa to cover his embarrassment. He was used to women hitting on him but never before had any woman been so shamelessly forward with him.
As this is the first time weve actually sat down and worked on your book together, Zach said and coughed uncomfortably, I think a verdict on my meteorological conditions would be premature.
Whats the verdict on the book then?
The verdict isyou might actually pull this off. But not without some major revisions. Keep the letters at the beginning and end. But I want the body of the book in third, not first, person.
Nora looked down at her notes. She picked up her pen and wrote something on a sheet of paper. She looked at it a moment before sliding it across the table.
The first time William saw Caroline was on Ash Wednesday. She still had the ashes on her forehead.
Like that, Zach?
Zach read and nodded his approval. Perfect. Thats exactly what I want. Now rewrite the entire book like that.
Yes, sir, she said and saluted. What else? Since youre being nice to me, I have the feeling youre about to hit me with some more changes, yes?
Zach grimaced, unnerved by how well this near stranger could read him.
Just some minor oneshave you considered going a more mainstream route with your characters?
I like virgins, perverts and whores, Nora said without apology. I couldnt care less about the people who just fuck for fun on weekends.
The sex shouldnt be the story, Nora.
The sex isnt the story, Zachary. The sacrifice is. Caroline is actually vanilla, not kink. So she sacrifices who she really is to be with the man she lovesshe sacrifices the good for the better.
But they end it, yes?
Thats the point of the booksacrifice can only get you so far. William and Caroline are just too different to make it work. And although two people can love each other deeply, sometimes love alone doesnt cut it. We can only sacrifice so much of ourselves in a relationship before theres nothing left to love or be loved.
Zachs stomach clenched. Even now he ached for Grace with an impotent fury. Zach could only raise his cup of cocoa.
Ill drink to that.
He and Nora clinked their tea mugs together in a mock toast. Across the table their eyes met, and Zach could see the ghost of his pain reflected in hers.
Zachs next question was cut off by Wesleys sudden entrance in the kitchen.
Hey, you, Nora said to Wesley. Whats up?
Im not here, Wesley said. Keep working. I just need my coffee mug. Wesley threw open the cabinets and took an aluminum travel mug from a shelf.
Where are you going? Nora asked.
Study group at Joshs. Im helping him with calculus, and hes giving me his history notes.
What are you majoring in, Wesley? Zach asked politely, trying not to show how unnerving he found Noras relationship with her young internunnerving and familiar.
Biochem. Im premed.
Thats wonderful. Your parents must be very pleased. Zach winced internally at how old he sounded.
Not really. Wesley shrugged. My whole family has worked with horses for generations. They want me to come home and stay in the business. If I have to do medicine, at least it could be equine medicine. He poured a mugful of coffee and screwed the lid on tightly. I have this conversation with them every week.
I think he should just let me talk to them. Nora batted her eyelashes at Wesley.
You, Wesley said, pointing his finger at her, dont exist. So dont even think about it.
Nora responded by wrinkling her nose at him in mock disgust.
What? Zach said. Your parents dont know you and Nora are living together?
A faint blush suffused Wesleys face. Theres a lot they dont know. They were going to pull me out of school and send me to the state school down there. It was money reasons, the usual, and Nora offered to let me live with her and work for my room and board. They just know I got a job to cover it and a place off-campus. They dont know what Im doing.
How did you two meet?
School, Nora answered for Wesley. His school was obviously a little desperatethey asked me to be their writer-in-residence that semester. Wes was in my class.
You were her student? Zach asked, his hands going cold even as he said the words.
The class met at one. Wesley smiled at Nora. I needed to meet my Humanities requirement, and I would have taken anything that let me sleep late on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Im very flattered. Nora stuck her tongue out at him.
Im very leaving. Later, Wesley said. He reached for Noras mug and she slapped his hand.
What are your numbers? she demanded.
One-seventeen. I can have a sip, Wesley protested.
Not on my watch. Drink your coffee black, and keep your hands off my cocoa.
Wesley feinted to the left and stuck his finger in her cocoa and licked it off as he disappeared through the kitchen door. Zach felt a pang at the easy intimacy between Nora and Wesley. He missed his play-fights with Grace in the kitchen and the bargains they struck to make up. He would cook dinner if she would wear the lingerie hed gotten her for her birthday. Shed do the dishes if she could be on top tonightamazing how they both came out victors in those battles.
So hesnineteen?
You have a dirty mind, Zachary Easton. Wesleys as pure as, well, Im not.
Youre telling me that Wesleys a virgin? The young attractive houseboy of an infamous erotica writer is a virgin?
Believe it or not, I do have some self-control. And even if I didnt, Wes certainly doesapart from sticking his damn hand into my cocoa every now and then. Hes a good Christian kid and I respect him more than I can say for his decision to wait. Mark my words, Zach, I will put the first randy bitch who lays a hand on him in the hospital.
And he doesnt mind what you write? What you do?
Nora leaned back in her chair. We made a deal. I can top, but not bottom.
Are you secretly a gay man? Zach eyed her curiously.
Im not so secretly kinky. Top and bottom are S&M terms, too. Wes leaves me alone about my sex life as long as Im not the one coming home with the bruises.
Zach swallowed. Did you ever come home with bruises?
Nora bit her bottom lip.
I wont bore you with the whole story of me and S?ren, she said, glancing away. Lets just say weve got history and leave it at that. Last year, I went to see S?ren on the day we consider our anniversary. I do it every year. Cant stop myself for some reason. Anyway, I had a weak moment. I came home the next morning covered in welts and bruises and with a nice fat lip. Wes was horrified. He started packing.
Zach winced. The thought of welts and bruises on Nora horrified him, too.
So you made your deal?
Right. If I go back to S?ren one more time, Wes is gone.
Moving out seems a rather extreme threat. Of course, moving in with you seems a rather odd decision.
Hes Methodist. I think hes trying to save me. Methodists are always trying to save people.
Are you sure he doesnt have feelings for you?
He does have feelings for me. Namely irritation, frustration and disgust mingled with amusement. But thats not surprising since hes not in the game.
Zach sympathized with the boy. He had the same feeling for Nora, too. As well as intoxicated, amazed and aroused mingled with petrified.
You said he was a virgin. How do you know he isnt like you?
K-dar, Nora said and tapped the side of her nose. Kinksters can smell it on each other. And my Wesley smells like warm vanilla.
Wonder what I smell like. Zach cursed himself for accidentally speaking the words aloud.
Nora cocked her head at him; Zachs heart started to race. She rose up out of her chair and slid onto the top of the kitchen table. She stretched across it and put her nose at his neck. Slowly, she inhaled. A slight rush of air whispered over Zachs skin and he immediately knew what every muscle in his body was doing.
Not kink. But not vanilla, either. Smells likecuriosity. It killed the cat, you know.
Nora, Zach said in a warning tone. J.P. would yank him off Noras book in a heartbeat if he saw them right now.
S&M is as psychological as it is physical and sexual, Zach. Imagine being as deep inside a womans mind as you are inside her body.
Zachs hands gripped his mug, still warm from the steaming liquid inside.
Were working, he reminded her, reminded himself. He remembered their photograph in the newspaper; her mouth had been at his ear just the way it was now. If he turned his head only a few inches their lips would meet.
I write erotica. I am working. Want to earn some overtime?
Nora, weve got less than six weeks and more than four hundred pages to write. Now get off the table and stop wasting my time.
Oh, fine, she said, sounding playfully disappointed. Zach exhaled with relief when she slid back and sat in her chair again. She reached under her notes and pulled out a copy of the trade newspaper that had their picture in it. She leaned back in her chair and threw her legs up on the table as she flipped through the paper. Zach stared at their picture again prominently displayed right in front of his face. The byline read Erotica Writer Nora Sutherlin Gets the Royal Treatment.
Nora turned another page and sighed. And to think I thought the fog was finally lifting.
* * *
Zach stared at his computer screen for the seventeenth straight minute in a row. The words of the book review hed sworn he would start writing for the Times tonight simply would not come. He had words, the wrong words, Noras words, but not the words he needed.
Not kink, shed purred into his ear, sending every nerve in his long neglected body firing. But not vanilla, either Nora Zach understood now why some people were afraid of her. He was afraid of her, of her power to take captive his every thought. He felt unmoored around her, unsafe, and yet of everyone he had met since coming to New York, he sensed only she could be trusted.
As deep inside a womans mind Zach tried and failed to stem the tide of images that her words conjured. Graces soft skin, moon-white against midnight sheets, her back against his chest, his hands over hers, his mouth to her neck as he drove into her, knowing her flesh and yet still knowing so little of her soul. Her body had been so open to him once. But her mind? Her heart?
Zach shook his head, trying to pull himself out of his dangerous reverie. Grace, who he had made love to countless times, told him nothing. And Nora, on whom he had never laid a hand, said everything.
On a whim, Zach minimized his document and opened Google. Nora threw out S&M terminology like a doctor tossed around the names of exotic diseases. He wasnt entirely clueless when it came to matters of kink. An old lover of his had even accused him of being kinky because he preferred positions other than missionary. He certainly knew what S&M meantsadomasochism, knew the French called it the English vice because his countrymen had an amusing obsession with corporeal punishment. Not himhe tried to avoid giving or receiving pain whenever possible. Hed been known to bite a little during lovemaking, something Grace was inordinately fond of, but actual hitting or whipping was something entirely out of his purview.
After they were done working on her book today, Zach had worked up the courage to ask Nora about S?ren, her former lover who she spoke about with the reverent sadness of a knight speaking of a fallen king. She said they were a D/S couple like William and Caroline in her book. Shed been collared to him for years, and that leaving him had been akin to dying.
Zach typed in D-S couple and quickly discovered hed mentally spelled it incorrectly. Spelled D/s it stood for Dominant and submissive. Interesting that while the D was capitalized the s was always lowercase to illustrate the lower status held by the submissive. The whole thing seemed rather strange and sexist to him, but he couldnt deny that there seemed to be quite a few male submissives and some rather impressive-looking female Dominants out there. He couldnt imagine a woman as vivacious as Nora being content to sit at a mans feet. His only guess was that this man, this S?ren person, was a rather impressive specimen. He wondered what S?ren did for a livingprobably something innately alpha male like a pilot or a military officer. Or perhaps he was independently wealthy like Nora seemed to be. Something certainly afforded her an impressive quality of life. She drove a late-model black Lexus with a cheeky license plate that read Say Ouch and she lived in an elegant, historic home. He knew award-winning writers in England with a dozen or more books under their belts who still couldnt afford the house or the neighborhood she lived in.
Curiosity got the better of him, and Zach typed in Nora Sutherlin and hit Enter. She found several fan pages, some links to fan fiction and Noras official website. Zach kept scrolling through all the mentions of Nora on the web. He clicked the link to someones blog that carried an entry entitled Last Night with THE Nora Sutherlin. But as soon as Zach clicked the link the page disappeared. He hit Back and tried to find it again, but the page had vanished. Maybe the blog server was down.
Zach gave up nosing on Nora and looked up more S&M terminology. As uncomfortable as the idea of coupling pain with sex, he did appreciate that people in the community seemed fairly responsible in their play. Every webpage he landed on carried the mantra safe, sane and consensual. He stared for a long time at an image of a young woman wearing a brown leather collar that buckled and locked at the base of her neck. Zach remembered Nora had said shed been collared to S?ren. Collars were apparently quite an important part of the S&M scene. Nora had touched his naked wedding ring finger that night in the cab and then brought his hand to her bare neck. Shed equated being collared with marriage. Maybe thats why he and Nora had found common ground so quickly despite being such wildly different peoplethey were both going through a divorce of sorts.
But was he going through a divorce? Every day when he checked his mail, he expected papers from Graces attorney. Every time his home phone rang, he expected it to be Grace telling him they needed to stop putting it off. But so far hed received no calls or legal papers. Was she waiting on him to start the process? If so, she might have to wait a long time. He couldnt deny their marriage had fallen apart in the past year and a half, but he was in no hurry to put the final nail in the coffin. Hed hoped if he came to New York, shed miss him enough to want to make it work again. But every day the phone stayed mute.
Zach closed the internet and exited from his empty document without writing a single sentence. Hed left Nora in her kitchen hours ago. Surely shed sent him another email by nowshe emailed him constantly. But his in-box sat empty but for a reminder from J.P. about the next staff meeting and a question from his assistant, Mary. Both could wait.
He clicked on New and typed in Noras email address. Of course she would have an address with littleredridingcrop in it. Ludicrous as it was, at least it made it easy to remember.
Nora, he wrote and stopped. Why was he writing her? Theyd discussed her book for hours today. There was no more to talk about for now. And considering they already had a reputation for working too closely together, he knew he didnt need to be writing her about anything but the book. What would he say if he did write her? He had those words, those sentences. But they had tumbled about in his head so much since meeting her that they had crashed against each other, against him, and broken into fragments.
Nora, I dont want to I wont its been so bloody long I cant I think of you of her too much I still love but I I hurt her Grace Now its hell worse Limbo I hurt too young too much
Zach deleted it all, even Noras address. He knew better than this, knew better than to get involved. He would not make this mistake again. She would not pull him off course.
It didnt matter, he told himself. He was gone in five weeks. Off to L.A. where he could start over again and perhaps get it right this time. But did he want to start over? At forty-two a new life seemed a far more terrifying prospect than it had at thirty-two when he and Grace married and moved to London.
The blank email sat waiting before him. He looked down at his fingers poised above the keyboard. Was it the words that failed him or his hands? They felt too heavy now. It made no sense. Without the weight of his wedding ring they should have been lighter.
The screen still waited, the cursor winking at him like an eye.
Zach typed in another address.
Gracie, he wrote, using the nickname that never failed to make her smile. Please talk to me.
* * *
Nora stood at the kitchen window peering into the dark. Sunset came so early in the winter that whole days seemed to pass in darkness. Zach had left her several hours ago, left her with a thousand ideas and admonitions. But now she could only wait and think and gaze at the light falling in from the lamppost outside the kitchen window. It illuminated the tremulous flakes of snow and cast white shadows that gathered round but did not touch her.
She turned toward a sound and saw Wesley standing in the doorway watching her with the same intensity as she watched the snow-lit play between the light and the shadows.
How long have you been hanging out here in the dark? Wesley asked, stepping into the lone pool of light.
She sighed at a shadow. For as long as its been dark.
Wesley reached out to flip the light switch.
Leave them off.
Wesley dropped his hand back to his side.
I didnt know you could write in the dark.
Nora gave him only the barest hint of a smile.
Youd be surprised what I can do in the dark, Wes.
Wesley grimaced. Zach know what you do in the dark?
Nora shook her head.
No. He thinks Im just a writer. Lets keep it that way, shall we?
Its not anything Ill ever brag about.
Wes, you knew what I was when you signed up for this job.
And you knew how I felt about it when you asked me to move in.
Nora took a slow deep breath.
And yet you moved in anyway. Why is that? Wesley lifted his chin and only looked at her. His silence says it all.
Nora stepped away from the window and took a wineglass from the cabinet.
What are you doing? he asked as he came deeper into the dark kitchen.
If youre going to pout, Im going to drink, she said, pouring herself a steep glass of red wine. I read somewhere that red wine is good for diabetics. Want one?
Im not pouting. And I dont drink.
Theres a lot you dont do.
Nora sat on top of the kitchen table across from him. She watched him, daring him with her eyes to either speak or leave.
Ive got homework, he said.
Then go. Nora gestured to the door.
Wesley moved to walk past her. But Nora reached out and stopped him with a hand on his chest.
Or stay, she said as she took a deliberate sip of her wine before setting the glass down on the table next to her. Staying is better. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled Wesley to her, positioning him between her knees. His face was a blank mask and his eyes would not meet hers.
Nora laid her hand on his stomach, smiling as the taut muscle quivered through his T-shirt.
Nora, dont
S?ren and I used to play a game on his kitchen table, Nora said, ignoring the plea in Wesleys voice. Did I ever tell you about that?
No, Wesley said, visibly tensing as Nora raised his shirt and slid her hands underneath, pressing her palms into his warm skin. She saw his fingers curl into fists.
Simple gamehed fill a wineglass with one of his expensive reds and set it on the edge of the table. Then he would fuck me. Hard. Nora grinned as Wesley flinched. If I thrashed too much, or fought him and knocked the glass offthen the wine wasnt the only red that we spilled that night.
Wesley closed his eyes as if trying to block out the image.
The secret is, Nora said as she raked her fingernails up Wesleys chest and back down his stomach, sometimes Id knock it off on purpose.
I wont play that game with you, he said as Nora continued relentlessly caressing the delicate skin of his chest and sides. I wont play this game with you, either.
But it doesnt have to be a game, Wesley. She narrowed her eyes like a cats. It can be very real.
Dont do this. His voice was a plea. His breathing was getting harder, everything was getting harder now. Not to me.
Your heart is racing. She let her hand rest on the left side of his chest.
From his chest she traced a languid path down his stomach, his breath catching as she deftly unbuttoned the top button of his jeans.
Nora
Im not holding you here. You can go if you want to. Do you?
She grabbed his belt loops and pulled him even closer until his hips pressed against her inner thighs. She knew she shouldnt be doing this. But Wesley was a constant source of frustration. Sometimes she had to retaliate. And she knew that every now and then he forgot what she really was. It didnt hurt to remind him.
I dont know, he finally answered.
Now that is a refreshing bit of candor on your part. Since were being so honest now, tell me, why are you being so pissy about Zach?
Wesleys eyes widened. Nora bit her bottom lip as she waited for his answer.
You like him.
I do like him. She took another deep drink of the wine and set the glass down again. But weve just met and were not fucking. Not even I work that fast.
At that Wesley gave a grim chuckle and looked up at the ceiling.
I couldnt care less if you were fucking him.
My God, did you just say fuck? Youre a good, clean Methodist. You dont swear.
You have no idea what I do.
I do know what you do. I know you sleep with your bedroom door unlocked, Nora retorted. Expecting company?
I know you stand in my door at night and watch me sleep. Expecting an invitation?
Now it was Noras eyes that widened. But she recovered herself quickly.
Youre pretty good at this game, she said, nodding her approval. For a beginner.
I told you. Im not gonna play with you.
Too bad. I think youd like the prize. Nora went for the next button on his jeans, but Wesley grabbed her by the wrist to stop her.
Harder, she instructed. Wesley let her go as if her skin had burned him.
I thought so. Go, she said, dropping her hands to her sides. Wesley took a step back, his palm pressed into his stomach. Go do your homework, kid.
She picked up her nearly forgotten wineglass and lifted it to her lips. But before she could drink, Wesley took the glass from her.
He held the glass in his subtly shaking hand before raising it and drinking. Finished, he lowered the glass and set it next to her on the table. He left the kitchen without another word.
Nora picked up the glass and stared inside.
Hed drained it to the dregs.
Nora set the glass back down and turned to follow Wesley. She hated when they fought even though it was almost always her fault.
Wesley would be fine, she told herself. He needed a little toughening up anyway. Shed never forget the first day she saw him. She walked into his classroom at Yorke, and the first thing shed noticed was a pair of big brown eyes looking at her like hed never seen anything like her before. And the minute he opened his mouth and those soft Southern syllables came out, she knew this kid was going to be no end of trouble. Shed made all her students talk about their favorite story. Wesley had said his favorite was O. Henrys The Gift of the Magithe story of the wife who sold her hair to buy her husband a watch chain and the husband who sold his watch to buy his wife combs for her hair. Nora had called it a horror story. Wesley had objected and called it a love story. The debate had continued even after the class ended. Two people who give up their most precious possessions for love and end up with nothingthats a love story? shed demanded. Wesley had argued that they still had each other. Shed laughed and told him he might see things a little differently when he was her age.
She knew shed been too rough with him tonight, but she couldnt stop herself sometimes. After all, S?ren had put her through ten kinds of hell when she was Wesleys age. And now she was grateful for the discipline hed taught her, the fortitude hed instilled in her. Now a guy like Zach could look her in the eyes and tell her she wasnt worth his time and energy, and she could look back and smile and ask him if that was the best he could do. S?ren had made her strong and for that shed be forever grateful. And Zach was making her a real writer, which was the one fantasy S?ren could never make come true for her. And Wesleyshe looked down at the empty wineglass and quickly refilled it in his honorWesley was just making her crazy.
Nora turned and saw her book and Zachs notes lying on top of the kitchen table.
Goddammit, Zach, she said to herself and poured the wine down the drain. Why did you have to tell me it was going to work?
7
Five weeks left
A tear formed in the corner of Noras eye and fled down her cheek before she could stop it. She rubbed it off with her sleeve and made herself blink. Shed been staring at her computer screen for so long her eyes were watering. Stretching while she backed up her work, Nora decided to check her private email account before taking a bathroom break. She breezed through a note from her agent and deleted a few bits of spam. Just before logging out a new message popped into her in-box. From Zach, it bore the subject line Regarding Sex.
Why, Zachary, she said, chuckling to herself, yes, I think I will regard sex.
The email dragged on for two pages and detailed every reason why she needed to cut out the majority of her sex scenes. She stopped reading after the fifth use of the word gratuitous.
Youre no fun, she wrote Zach back. Cant I just keep three of my scenes?
Zach was obviously still at his computer. He quickly replied with one word.
No.
Two? she wrote back.
No.
Nora was about to fall out of her chair laughing. She could imagine his stern but strikingly handsome visage right now, his brow furrowing deeper with each annoying little email from her.
One? I promise Ill make it good. Please? Ill buy you a puppy.
Im allergic to dogs, he replied.
Nora bit her lip as the wheels in her head turned.
Lets play a game, she wrote back. Ill give you fifty extra pages this week if you let me keep three of my scenesheavily edited, of course.
She held her breath as she waited for his reply. An email finally popped up in her in-box.
Fine. But any sex on the page must serve both the plot and the character development. Now stop playing and start writing. Youve got five weeks left and over four hundred pages to rewrite.
Im keeping the puppy, she wrote back. She wasnt surprised when he didnt reply.
Nora was rereading Zachs most recent note on her new chapters when her hotline rang. She heard its Klaxon ringtone in her office all the way from the kitchen. Rolling her eyes, she stood up and headed in that direction in no particular hurry. When she got there, she found Wesley standing by the counter with the phone in his hand. He looked oddly tired and grim. He handed it to her without a word and walked past her. King, I swear Im going to beat the shit out of you if you dont stop calling me.
Now youre flirting, ma chrie.
Nora ground her teeth together and took a deep breath. Was there any man in the world more infuriating than Kingsley Edge? S?ren, she remembered. Only S?ren.
I am not flirting. I am working. She said the words slowly as if she were speaking to a child. I have another job, recall?
I try everything I can to forget your other job, ma?tresse. Your other job costs me money.
Well, it makes me money.
And that helps me how?
Kingsley, tell me what you want and then leave me alone. My editor is making me rewrite my entire book.
The Nora Sutherlin taking orders from a man. I thought those days were long over.
Nora clenched her jaw. She would not let him goad her into a fight today.
Im une petite peu busy, monsieur.
Never too busy for a client. For this client in particular.
Nora leaned her head against the cold metal of the refrigerator. Most of her clients were on her time; she saw them at her leisure. Just part of the mystique of being a Dominatrix. But there were a handful of clients not even she felt comfortable keeping waiting. She guessed it was Jake Sizemore, CEO of some company that made something that kept the world going. King never let her turn Sizemore down when he came to town.
Fine. What do I need to know?
Just wear your finest and be there in an hour. Cest ?a.
Nora scribbled the time and place down in her datebook. Shed been trying so hard not to take any jobs while working with Zach. Zach had all the signs of someone going through a fairly serious depression. She knew depression well, knew it was anger turned inward. That much depression signaled an impressive cache of anger lurking under that ridiculously handsome exterior. Her gorgeous blue-eyed editor already oozed disapproval of her at every turn. She could only imagine how bad his reaction would be if he found out that writing wasnt her only job. For over a year now shed dreamed of quitting the game altogether, but without a signed contract from Royal, she was scared to give up her day job.
Im getting a little sick of this, you know, King?
You say that and yet I hear la petite morte under your breath. You know you love this job.
I love the money. Thats it.
You love him, chrie.
Nora closed her eyes and swallowed the growl in the back of her throat.
He has nothing to do with this. Nora refused to get into a discussion of S?ren with Kingsley. Kingsley reported to S?ren.
Ma petite, he chided. You do this for his attention. Cest vrai, oui?
Thats like saying criminals commit crimes to get the cops attention.
She heard Kingsleys soft, heady laugh.
Exactement. One hour, ma?tresse.
Nora hung up and went to her bedroom. The house was too quiet. She couldnt hear Wesley anywhere. Usually at this time of day he was working on his homework and listening to music. Or if homework was light that night, hed be playing his guitar and singing softly to himself. She remembered the first time shed caught him playing and singing. Shed told him he sounded a little like the nineties band Nelson. Hed said, Whos he? and Nora had thrown a book at him.
She dressed in her black leather skirt with the back slit and her black-and-red brocade bustier. She found her black gauntlets and pulled them on. They laced up her arms and she had a horrible time tightening the laces and tying them off on her own. She went to find Wesley. He hated that she worked as a professional Dominatrix, but he tolerated it more or less. Before hed moved in over a year ago shed explained what she did, what she was. Hed been shocked. He didnt even know such things existed. He was relieved, however, when she explained she was in no way a prostitute and that she never had sex with clientsnot the male clients anyway. They werent even allowed to kiss her except on the toe of her boot. No, she was no prostitute, she explained. She was, if anything, a kind of massage therapist who simply inflicted pain instead of pleasure. Despite his shock, Wesley moved in anyway. Shed been so impressed by how well he took it, shed even told him about S?ren.
Just dont ever let me in the same room with him, Wesley had said when Nora revealed the nature of their relationship.
You think you can take S?ren?
You said he was, what, forty-five? Eighteen versus forty-five? And any guy who beats up on women doesnt know what to do around a guy whod only hit another man.
Nora had laughed then, so hard shed almost fallen over. Could Wesley get any more precious? When shed stopped laughing, shed taken Wesleys chin in her hand and forced him to meet her eyes. S?ren once told her she had the most dangerous eyes of any woman whod ever lived. He told her when men looked in her eyes they saw their own darkest fears reflected back. Usually she tried to tamp down that particular trick of hers. This time shed let Wesley see all her fears and all of his in one glance.
Kid, S?ren could eat you for breakfast and not even need to chew. Dont ever fuck with a sadist, Wesley. For S?ren, tortures just foreplay.
Why did you stay with him? hed whispered.
Nora had grinned at him, and she saw a new fear in Wesleys sweet brown eyes.
I like foreplay.
Wesleyshe couldnt find him anywhere. She stood in the living room and noticed a note taped to the door. It said he was at the library but hed be home around six. And at the bottom of the note were the words he always said when she went out for a jobYou dont have to do this. No, she didnt have to. But she owed it to Kingsley. Nora grabbed her coat and toy bag and made a quick stop in the bathroom. She took a pill bottle from the medicine cabinet, swallowed one without bothering with water and left.
It took forty minutes to get to the hotel. Her clients were among the elite of the worldonly the wealthiest and most powerful men and women could afford her. Quite a few were even household names. So it was rare she ever went in through the front doors of a home or hotel. But Kingsley hadnt mentioned the need for discretion so she didnt bother.
She strode through the front lobby of one of the grandest and oldest hotels in the city and worried for a second that someone from Royal might recognize her. She shook off the worryno one who worked in publishing could afford this place. The lobby was littered with women dripping with Prada and men stuffed inside their Armani suits. Nora bit back a smile as she breezed past them in her leather and lace with her black toy bag slung across her back and her sunglasses on even though she was indoors and it was still winter. She wasnt ashamed of what she did. But it was fun to be around people who were nervous just being in the same room with her.
A couple standing near the elevator walked off when she joined them in their waiting. Vanilla people were so cute sometimes. She entered the elevator, hit the button for the nineteenth floor and headed up alone.
Nora stepped out, got her bearings and made her way to room 1909. A key card lay hidden under a newspaper in front of the door. She unlocked the door, stepped inside and saw a tall, blond man in black standing with his back to her.
Hello, Eleanor, he said.
Nora gasped and her bag hit the floor with a nervous clatter of metal.
Oh, my GodS?ren.
* * *
Zach sat at his desk in his office at Royal. He checked his email one last time before shutting down the computer. He was surprised he hadnt gotten more of a fight from Nora about paring down her sex scenes. Perhaps she now understood the kind of book she was writing, was starting to understand she could write something erotic without being an erotica writer.
Straightening the papers on his desk, Zach found a copy of the contract that the legal department had worked up. It wasnt signed yet. And even if Nora signed it today, it wasnt valid until he signed it. He looked over the terms. J.P. had been very generous. Royal didnt dole out significant advances very often. Of course, Nora brought her own impressive fan base with her. Zach knew J.P. hoped she would bring a certain libidinous cachet to the rather staid old publishing house. It was a bold move that might actually pay off if Zach did his job right.
Zach smiled as he flipped through Noras unsigned contract. When he and Grace had bought their first house, the paperwork hadnt been half this preposterous. Poor Grace. He remembered watching her at their tiny kitchen table in their first horrid little flat theyd rented sight unseen when theyd moved to London. Theyd been married less than a year. She thought she was supposed to know what every word of the contract meant, what every clause referred to. She sat for hours poring over every page. Hed leave and come back and she would have another twelve questions to ask him. What did first right of refusal mean? Did they know the assessed value? Did they need a variance if he worked from home?
It was so damn endearing watching her spend an entire day trying to understand everything as if she thought she should that Zach finally had to come over, shove the papers away and make love to her right on top of their settlement statement. He remembered it so clearly, the shock on her face when the papers scattered to the four winds. She thought he was angry with her. But he remembered her smile when he kissed her so fiercely the table scooted a foot back. He remembered her red hair against the dark wood, how her legs had wrapped around him with almost childlike eagerness as he moved inside her.
Hed heard once there was nothing like buying a house together to make or break a relationship. That was the day he decided they were going to make it.
Zach put the contract down, leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.
Maybe they should have bought more houses.
* * *
An hour later Nora left the hotel and strode to her car cursing S?ren under her breath the whole way. She kept cursing, knowing if she let up on the fury for one second, she would collapse into tears. It had been months since theyd spoken. She did everything she could to avoid him. Sometimes she saw him at the club and they only looked at each other across the room while bystanders subtly moved a few steps back like unwitting townspeople caught between two gunslingers. S?ren wasnt on the attack today, however. Worsehed wanted to talk.
Nora ran over their conversation again in her mind. The conversation, as all conversations with him were these days, was rather one-sided. Shed sat on the bed like a child in trouble for staying out too late and ground her foot into the plush carpeting as he stood in front of her and ticked off, one by one, all her multifarious sins. Nora had known him since she was fifteen years old. Shocking how much ammunition one could stockpile in eighteen years.
And then near the end hed revealed why hed gone to the trouble of setting up the meeting. Kingsley had told him shed been acting different latelyquieter, angrier, desperate to work one day, reluctant the next. Shed explained she was heavy into revisions on her new book, that her new editor was a hard-ass who was giving her the chance and the challenge of a lifetime. S?ren seemed skeptical, asking if there might be something she wasnt telling him. The hour hed paid for finally up, Nora started to leave. On her way out the door S?ren had stopped her with a wordWesley.
Nora had turned around slowly. Trying to keep her tone neutral shed asked, What about him?
Next time we meet, little one, we will have much more to discuss.
Her heart flinched when hed used his old pet name for her. But she merely stared at his handsome face, hoisted her toy bag and left. After all these years, all the practice, she was getting good at that. Nora sat behind the wheel of her car and closed her eyes. She said a prayer of thanks S?ren hadnt touched her. Thats what had happened on their last anniversary. Shed gone to his home too late in the evening. Shed let him give her a glass of wine. Theyd talked about mutual friends and even played a game of chess at the kitchen table hed made brutal love to her on so many times. For a few minutes shed let herself forget that she wasnt his property anymore. One curl had fallen forward across her face when shed bent to move her bishop. S?ren had reached out and brushed it behind her ear. Hed caressed her cheek with his thumb. Within minutes they were in his bedroom and she was strapped to the bedpost. Hed beaten her so hard that night shed nearly gagged on her own tears. And when he finally gave up on the pain, hed untied her and let her collapse into his arms. His darkness spent, he laid her in his bed and made love to her so tenderly shed cried again. In the past when they were still together, hed talk to her while inside her. Sometimes he would articulate in shocking detail the intensity of his desire for her. Sometimes he would simply claim her, calling her his property, his possession. That night as he moved in her he spoke in Danish, the language he fell into when his heart was its most open. Hed taught her some Danish when she was a restless teenager. It became one of their secret ways to communicate. Shed forgotten a lot of it in the four years theyd been apart, but she never forgot Jeg elsker dig. It was Danish for I love you and he whispered it again and again into her skin.
Afterward hed stayed inside her and pulled them into a sitting position at the center of his bed. Her legs wrapped around his waist; her arms twined around his shoulders. He ran his hands up and down her beaten back as he kissed her bare neck. She rocked her hips slowly, relishing having him inside her again after so long.
You miss your collar, hed saida statement, not a question. Shed taken it with her when shed left him four years ago.
I miss it. She tilted her head back to give him better access to her naked throat. She bent forward again and he kissed her bruised lips. If she pretended it was only today and that there was no yesterday and no tomorrow, she could stay with him forever.
You can come back to me, Eleanor. Always.
I cant. She shook her head. They need you more than I do. I cant rip your life in half.
It is my life, hed reminded her. You tore my life in half the day you ran from me.
Dont, she said, and the tears burned bright in her eyes. Her chest heaved and she clung to him so hard her fingernails bit into his skin. Dont say I ran. I didnt run. It wasnt running and you know it. You know I didnt want to leave you. I no more ran from you than Id ever run into a burning building. I could never run from you.
He laughed at her vehemence.
Then what would you call it if it wasnt running, little one? He pressed his lips to her forehead.
I crawled. She tried to smile for him. Its what Im good at after all.
He wrapped his arms even tighter around her. She prayed hed chain her to his bed and make her stay there the rest of her life. But she knew hed let her go at dawn. He wouldnt keep her against her will even if against her will was what she wanted.
When you come back to me he began and she pulled back to meet his eyes.
I wont.
If you come back to me, he said, making a rare concession, will you run or will you crawl?
Nora had pressed her whole body into him at that moment. Resting her head on his strong shoulder, she watched as a tear forged a river down his long and muscled back.
Ill fly.
To S?ren she knew that night was proof that she still belonged to him. But to Wesley it was a waking nightmare when hed seen the welts and bruises, her cracked lip, her purpling cheek. It took her a solid hour to convince him she didnt need to go to the hospital. For some reason telling him shed had worse didnt seem to comfort him. For the second time in twenty-four hours, shed had to beg.
Its not violence, shed tried to tell him. Its love. Some loves only come out after dark, Wes.
Not with me, Nora. Dont pull that writer romance crap on me. He beats you and you let him. And if this is love then he shouldnt love you anymore, Wesley had said on his way to the front door, his clothes in a duffel bag and his guitar case across his back.
I wish he didnt. For his sake and mine. For yours, too.
Something in her voice changed his mind. Hed dropped his duffel by the floor and set his guitar down. Hed walked back to her and wrapped his arms gingerly around her. Hed been so careful not to hurt her. Shed cried then for the pain shed caused him. Wesley had gone with her to her room and helped her take her shirt off. She lay on her stomach in her bed while he iced her bruises and put antibiotic ointment on her welts. They hadnt talked while he helped her. But when she was finally comfortable enough to sleep, Wesley had told her his decision. He couldnt stop her from working, but if she ever went back to S?ren again, ever let him hurt her again, Wesley was gone. It was like asking her to close her eyes and never open them again, but for Wesley, shed agreed.
Nora drove home and put her regular clothes back on and decided that once and for all she was cutting off all contact with S?ren. She knew it would be hard considering that they ran in the same circle but she would find a way. She would never talk to him again. Not after hed tricked her into seeing him.
Nora paused in her bedroom and took slow, deep breaths. She checked the clock6:36. Wesley should have been home from the library half an hour ago. She went to his bedroomno backpack, no keys. She called his cell phone and no one picked up. She waited another half hour thinking he was just pissed at her for answering her hotline. But she knew Wesleyhe wasnt the vindictive type. She called his cell phone again. No answer. By seven-thirty she was scared. By eight-thirty she was terrified. At nine she gave up and called the only person besides Wesley she trusted completely.
The phone rang only once.
S?ren, I need your help, she said as soon as he answered. The fear clutched at her throat like a claw. I cant find my Wesley.
8
At nine-thirty Zach still remained in his office reading through Noras rewritten chapters. Going with third person had opened the book up. The prose was more atmospheric in third person. He needed to talk to her about the end of chapter three, however. She was sliding into self-reflection when what she needed was a strong plot element.
He picked up his phone and dialed her number. She answered on the first ring.
Nora, its Zach.
Dammit, Zach. I cant talk right now. Im busy. She sounded angry for some reason. Angry and out of breath.
Busy and breathlesshe knew immediately what she was busy doing.
Youre on my time now, Nora. I dont care what youre doing. The book is more important.
Fuck the book.
Nora, I went out on a limb to work with you. If you think
You dont want to know what Im thinking right now.
Zach sat back in his chair. What had happened to the Nora hed shared cocoa with just a few days ago? Shed been so passionate about her book then, so interested in all of his ideas.
Im thinking you obviously dont have your priorities in order.
He heard Nora take a hard breath.
Then fuck you, too, Zach. She hung up.
Zach set his phone down and stared at it. He expected to feel furious but instead his heart dropped. Apart from J.P. and Mary, Zach hadnt felt any connection with anyone since coming to New York. Then hed met Nora and as exasperating as she was, she was also funny, beautiful and made him feel alive again. And she had been the first person whod seemed to care about him. Now shed yanked away from him, away from the book. He knew they wouldnt and couldnt ever be lovers. But hed thought they might be able to forge something like a friendship while they worked together. What the hell had happened?
The phone rang again and Zach answered it immediately, hoping to hear Nora on the other end. Instead the chief managing ditor of Royal West in L.A. started speaking. Zach had only spoken to her once or twice after hed been offered her job once she retired. Now she was telling him he could come out sooner if he liked since shed heard he didnt have much to hold him in New York. She wouldnt mind sharing her office for a couple of weeks while he got acclimated. Might ease the transition for the staff. Still reeling from his fight with Nora, Zach promised her hed think about it.
After all, he agreed, there really wasnt anything keeping him in New York.
He hung up the phone again and pulled on his coat. Glancing down, he saw Noras manuscript sitting on his desk. He picked it up and tossed it into the recycling bin.
Fuck you, too, Nora.
* * *
Nora paced the hallways of her house with her private cell phone in her hand and her hotline phone in her pocket. Wesley didnt have her hotline number but she knew either Kingsley or S?ren would call her back soon. S?ren had connections at every hospital within eighty miles, and Kingsley had half the judges, attorneys and police chiefs in the tristate area in his back pocket. Between the two of them, one of them should be able to find Wesley.
Shed gone into his room and dug through his desk trying to find any of his friends phone numbers. But they were all programmed into his cell phone and his cell phone was with him, wherever he was. She tore through his closet, his dirty clothes hamper, and found nothing to help her hunt him down.
Nora sat on the edge of his bed and opened his nightstand. She knew Wesley would be less than thrilled she was digging through his things. Hed probably get quite the shock if he saw what she kept in her nightstand. But she didnt find anything helpful or incriminatingChapStick and a spare set of keys to his car. Under the file of his medical stuff she found a small photo album. Pulling it out she smiled through tears when she flipped it open and found it full of pictures from last summer.
Leafing through the pages of photos she remembered
At first shed been suspicious when Wesley had woken her up early on a Saturday morning in May and told her to get up and put on jeans and boots. Hed driven that day in his beat-up yellow VW bug, and theyd listened to weird music the whole way there. Who is this? shed asked. Wilco. Whos this? The Decembrists. Finally hed demanded to know what the last album she bought was. She thought for a good five minutes before rememberingIll Communication, the Beastie Boys, 1994. Wesley would have been a toddler and shed been fifteen or sixteen years old.
After a long drive theyd arrived at a farma horse farm. Wesley had told her that hed grown up around horses. From what hed said it sounded as if his father worked as a horse trainer and his mother did the books at a horse farm in Central Kentucky. But that was the first day shed actually seen Wesley around the big animals. For someone as blessed by Mother Nature as he was in the looks department, he often seemed nervous and unsure of himself. But the second they hit the stables he became a different person. Walking right up to them, he slapped their sides with sure hands. For a good forty-five minutes he took a turn on three or four different horses, saddling them, and riding them around the paddock.
Being a little picky, arent you, kid? shed asked him. Just get a horse for yourself and lets go.
Im not picking one for me. He dismounted nimbly from a large Appaloosa. I can ride anything. Im trying to find one for you. You need something tame since youre a rookie.
Ill take anything but a gelding, shed told him.
Whats wrong with geldings?
We wont have anything to talk about.
Wesley had laughed then, open and easy, and for a moment she saw the man he would become in ten or twenty yearsstrong and kind, growing a little more handsome and a little less innocent with every year that passed. She envied the woman hed end up with. Lucky lady indeed. Finally, after the fourth horse, hed found her a young buckskin mare named Speakeasy.
Shes smart and submissiveperfect for a first-timer. Wesley handed her the reins.
Smart and submissiveI should introduce you to S?ren, she whispered in Speakeasys twitching ear. Do you like riding crops, too?
Nora remembered following him back into the stables to watch him pick his horse. A teenage girl walked with Wesley giving him suggestions. Nora watched as the pretty girl cast adoring glances at Wesley while Wesley had eyes only for the horses.
Hell do. Wesley picked out a large heavily muscled sorrel. Whats his name?
Bastinado, the stable-girl said. The boss named him that. Dont know why.
Is he bad about stepping on your feet? Nora had asked.
Very bad about it. The girl looked at Nora for the first time. How did you know?
Bastinadoits a fancy term for foot torture. Both Wesley and the stable-girl had stared at her with wide eyes. What?
Wesley saddled his horse with effortless proficiency. Nora watched his knowing fingers as they tightened the stirrups and adjusted the rigging. He swung up into the saddle, shoved his straw cowboy hat on his blond head, shifted his hips and took the leather reins as though hed been born on a horse. Nora took a slow breath and silently repeated her Wesley mantra.
Look but dont touchlook but dont touch
Theyd gone easy that day since it was her first time on a horse. The sprawling farm had miles of trails connected to it. Wesley led them down paths that meandered all over the scenic hillside. They stopped every few minutes and took pictures. Nora flipped through the album and remembered when theyd passed over a small creek. Wesley must have sensed her apprehension because he took her reins and led both their horses easily through it.
Nora turned to another page and found her favorite photo. Wesley had bent over the saddle to pat Bastinado on the neck when Nora had snapped the picture. Wesley looked up just in time to flash her his million-watt smile. Nora closed the album and started to slide it in the drawer when she noticed another photothis one in a frame and hidden all the way at the back. Wes Nora breathed, looking at the picture of her and Speakeasy alone together. She remembered the moment the photo was captured. She had dismounted and was rubbing her horse down after they were done riding. She thought Wesley was taking a picture of the rolling pasture behind her. Shed pushed her sunglasses on top of her head and pressed her forehead to Speakeasys. Tendrils of her hair had gone loose and wild around her face. Her eyes were closed in the picture and she wore a smile of pure happiness. She couldnt believe Wesley had framed the photo. She looked so silly in it.
Nora put everything back in his nightstand the way she found it and stretched out on Wesleys bed. She ran through every possible scenario in her mindwas he sick? Car accident? Lost his phone? Lost his mind? Did he have his insulin pen with him? Did he have his med-alert bracelet on? She knew Wesley. Hed call her if he was going to be five minutes late. Another college boy she wouldnt have worried about. Any other college sophomore was surely out at a party or a bar or back in some girls dorm room. Not her Wesleyapart from occasionally sleeping in on Saturdays, he woke up at the same time every day, came home at the same time every day. He had to keep his meals regular because of his insulin injections. He had to get plenty of sleep. He worked out at the school gym every day. He didnt drink, didnt do drugs, didnt smoke, didnt have sex. He went to class, he went to church, he went home for Thanksgiving and Christmashe was the most boring teenage boy alive. Aliveplease let him be alive.
Nora closed her eyes and turned onto her side. She could smell Wesleys warm, clean scent on his pillows. For the first time in a long time she prayed with everything within her.
God, I know Youre probably still pissed about S?ren, and I really dont blame You. But please dont take Your wrath out on Wesley. Flog me all You want. He doesnt deserve it.
At 4:30 a.m. she was still wide-awake and staring at his ceiling when her red hotline phone rang. She sat straight up and found her hands were shaking so much she could barely hit the answer button.
King, please tell me you know something.
Oui, chrie. Your intern is a most interesting young man.
Just tell me where he is. Is he okay?
Hes in the hospital, but he is unharmed if rather the worse for wear.
What happened? Nora ran a hand through her hair. She leaned over and breathed through her fear and relief.
A comely little nurse took a peek at his chart for me. Something called DKA? Is that familiar to you?
Noras hands went numb at the initials. Its diabetic ketoacidosis. It can be fatal.
Kingsley rattled off the story sliding in and out of French as he did so. From what she gleaned from his hasty bilingual recitation, Wesley had gotten sick at the library and passed out after throwing up several times in the bathroom. Hed been admitted to the hospital in full-blown DKA.
Which hospital? she asked. What room? Please tell me hes at General.
Oui. Ive already called Dr. Jonas.
Tell him Ill give him the freebie of his dreams if he can get me in.
No freebies, mistress. Hes already promised to help any way he can. He would never cross La Ma?tresse.
Great. Wonderful. Where is he? ICU?
PICU, Kingsley said and laughed. Nora laughed a little, too. Theyd put Wesley in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Mais chrie, you cannot go.
Fuck you. Of course I can.
His parents flew in. Theyre with him.
Nora swore. Wesley would kill her if she turned up at his bedside with his parents sitting right there. He did everything he could to keep her a secret from them. His parents would yank him back to Kentucky so fast his head would spin if they discovered he was living with an infamous erotica writerespecially one who worked as a Dominatrix. Jaded New York parents wouldnt let their kids near her much less these conservative Southerners.
Forget it. Just tell me where he is.
Nora jotted down his hospital room number.
Thanks, King. I owe you.
Pas moi. Our mutual friend was the one who found where theyd taken your pet.
Then tell him were even now for him tricking me.
Nora hung up the phone and ran to her room. She threw water on her face and changed clothes again. At 6:00 a.m. she arrived at the hospital and found Dr. Jonas. He explained that Wesley ended up in the PICU because the ICU was full. Nora told him not to tell Wesley that.
He brought her down several hallways past dozens of hospital rooms. She glanced at the figure of a priest talking quietly to a family in tears in one room. Nora lowered her eyes respectfully and kept walking. Passing through a set of double doors, they entered the pediatric ICU. Teddy bears holding balloons were painted on the walls. Oh, yes, shed never let Wes hear the end of this. Dr. Jonas put his finger over his lips and left her by room 518. She stood outside the open door and listened intentlya womans voice with a heavy Southern accent, his mothers she guessed, loudly whispered to a man with a softer accent. In hushed tones they went back and forth about how they never should have let their son move so far from home for college. Fighting was a good sign. That meant Wesley was out of the woods. But her relief was short-lived. His mother sounded determined to have him back in Kentucky again while his father argued that he was old enough to be on his own, that they couldnt keep an eye on him forever. Nora found herself nodding her agreement with his father. But she could hear the distress in his mothers voice, the pain and the fear and the wrought-iron determination. Wesleys mom wanted him home with her to keep an eye on him. Nora felt the same way.
Nora didnt know what to do. She found Dr. Jonas again and made him call Wesleys attending physician. Wesley was in and out of consciousness after theyd brought him in, but hed been awake and speaking a few hours ago. Theyd stabilized his insulin levels and hed be clear to go home in a day or two. Apparently Wesley wasnt absorbing his insulin as well as he needed to. He might need to start using a bigger needle. Nora ached with sympathy. Wesley loathed needles. He always injected himself in his upper left arm where he couldnt see the needle going in. Shoving needles into his own thighs or stomach would probably kill him before it cured him.
Dr. Jonas told her hed call Kingsley if he heard anything else but there was nothing Nora could do for him now. She might as well go home.
Reluctantly, Nora left the hospital. She drove home and decided she would let herself sleep. She checked the clockalmost 8:00 a.m. Shed been awake for over twenty-four hours.
Once in her driveway Nora turned off her car. But after that she lost the energy to do anything else. She leaned forward on the steering wheel and cried tears of relief, exhaustion and fear. Wesleys mother was the proverbial steel magnolia and she clearly wanted her son back home. Nora prayed Wesley had learned the fine art of telling someone off while living under her roof.
Telling someone off
Nora leaned her head back against the headrest.
ShitZach.
She turned the car back on and headed south toward Manhattan.
9
The next morning Zach headed straight to J.P.s office without even bothering to stop in his own first.
J.P. looked up from his reading and blanched.
I am reminded of the last words of Emily Dickinson at this moment, J.P. said. The fog is rising.
Im done with her.
J.P. stared at him over the top of his glasses. Easton, she could make Royal a great deal of money.
Find another editor then. I dont care if we publish her or not. But Im finished. Patricia Grier called me last night. She said Im welcome to come out to L.A. a few weeks early and work with her. Its not a bad idea.
Its a terrible idea. The staff wont know whos in charge. You wont know whos in charge. Shell undermine you. Youll undermine her. Regime change has to be quick and dramatic for it to be effective.
Its Royals West Coast office, not France in 1799.
J.P. took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead.
Bring me her contract. Ill keep it.
Zach turned on his heel without another word and walked to his office. He paused at the door when he noticed it was cracked open. He remembered very clearly locking it last night since hed left his laptop on his desk. Warily, he opened the door and entered.
Hey, Zach, Nora said. She sat in his chair behind his desk with her eyes closed.
What are you doing here? he demanded. How did you get into my office? It was locked.
Magic. She opened her eyes and smiled.
You look like hell, Zach said. Nora had dark circles under her eyes and her face appeared gaunt from lack of sleep.
Zach came around his desk and she stood up to give him his chair back. She sat on top of his desk and rolled back on it like a bed.
Ive spent the last twelve hours in hell. Sorry, I forgot to bring you a souvenir.
I have all the souvenirs I need from my own trips there. What are you doing here, Nora?
Apologizing for going off on you last night.
Apology accepted. Now you can go. J.P. is going to find another editor for you to work with. Probably Thomas Finley. Hes an asshole. Youll like him.
There are good assholes and bad assholes. Youre the good kind. I only want to work with you.
Well, perhaps you shouldnt have told me to first, fuck the book and second, to fuck myself.
Nora rolled up off his desk and turned to face him. She crossed her arms over her chest. She exhaled slowly.
Wesley didnt come home last night.
Hes old enough he can go anywhere he pleases, Nora.
But you dont know Wes. He calls. He calls all the time. If hes going to be five minutes late he calls me. I was in Miami a while ago and he called me to tell me he was going to the movies so if I tried to call him and didnt get him, I wouldnt worry. Thats Wes. He didnt come home and he didnt call. I freaked out.
I assume you found him?
Nora laughed coldly. Sort of. Hes in the hospital.
Zach sat up in his chair.
Good Lord. Is he all right?
He went into diabetic ketoacidosis at the library. No one called me because no one knows I exist. Im not next of kin. Im not any kin.
Have you seen him?
I just came from the hospital where I spent half an hour eavesdropping on his parents while lurking out in the hallway. I cant go in since theyre there. Zach, I feelimpotent. Bad feeling.
Zach looked away from her and stared out his window. His view was to the east, and if the world was flat and his vision was telescopic he could see all the way to England. He knew how Nora felt. Graceher parents had come as soon as he called and told them she was in the hospital. As soon as they arrived he knew hed made a mistake by calling them. The doctors immediately stopped talking to him and starting talking to them instead. He remembered his fury then, how hed stepped between Graces parents and the doctor and told the doctor in no uncertain terms that when a married woman was in the emergency ward, you spoke to her husband first and her parents second. He hadnt told the doctor to go fuck himself. Hed been far less polite than that.
Im sorry you had to go through that.
When you called last night I was waiting for news. If God Himself had called me and started telling me the secrets of the universe, I would have told Him to go fuck Himself, too. You cant take me personally, Zach. Can I make it up to you? Coffee? Tea? Me?
Zach laughed. Even exhausted she was still shameless.
You need sleep, not caffeine or any other stimulant, he said, narrowing his eyes at her. She smiled and nodded in agreement.
Okay, Ill leave you alone. Soon as Wes is home again, I promise Ill get back to the book. Can you email me whatever it was you were going to tell me last night? Ill read it and do whatever it is you want me to do.
Zach promised to do so and Nora started to leave.
Whens the last time you slept, Nora? he asked before she walked out of his office.
Twenty-six hours ago.
Zach winced. You shouldnt be driving. Dead writers revise no tales.
Well put that on my tombstone, Nora said. Zach stared her down. Fine. Ive got a friend with a town house a few blocks from here. Ill go crash at his place.
No stimulants, remember? he reminded her. Actors playing Hamlet are told to stay celibate lest they ruin their performance.
Nora threw a smile over her shoulder. Suddenly, she didnt look tired or worried anymore. She looked wild and beautiful and so alive.
Celibate, Zach? Have you met me?
Zach was still laughing after shed left him. He looked up and saw J.P. standing in the door to his office.
So the contract? J.P. asked.
Zach looked at his boss.
I think I might keep it a little while longer, Zach said a little sheepishly.
And her?
Zach reached under his desk and pulled Noras manuscript out of the paper-recycling bin.
I think I might keep her, too.
* * *
Nora pulled in at Kingsleys town house and walked inside without knocking. Nora announced herself to Juliette, Kingsleys beautiful Haitian secretary and the only other woman in the world besides her he was afraid of. Juliette gave her breakfast and took her up to Kingsleys opulent bedroom. She could sleep there since Kingsley was gone until tomorrow. Nora stripped out of her clothes and crawled between the sheetssheets shed spent more than a few nights on before. She took both of her cell phones out and laid them on the pillow next to hers in case Wesley, Zach, King or S?ren called.
As she faded into sleep, Noras mind went to Wesleys sideshe hoped he was feeling better and would be home with her soon. As she pressed deeper into the luxurious sheets, a little part of her sort of wished S?ren was there.
When Nora finally woke up it was almost nine at night. Shed slept for almost twelve straight hours. She showered in Kingsleys decadent bathroom and dressed in the clothes Juliette had brought for her and left on the chair next to the bed. When she got out of the shower, her hotline rang. She grabbed it and answered it with still wet hands.
Kingwhats the news?
The good doctor says you are clear for a rendezvous with ton petit gar?on malade. His parents succumbed to the doctors insistence they let your pet sleep tonight. They are at a hotel.
Tell Dr. Jonas next time Ill do that thing he likes with the peanut butter and the cock ring.
It is without a doubt the sole reason he went to medical school.
Nora left Kingsleys town house and made her way back to the hospital feeling like a new person. Nearly shivering from the excitement at getting to see Wesley, she parked her car and headed straight to his room. Tiptoeing in, she saw Wesley lying in his hospital bed sound asleep.
She came up to the bed and looked down at him. His eyelashes fluttered against his tan cheeks and his chest rose and fell slowly. She bent forward and kissed him on the forehead. His eyes flew open and he looked at her as if she was something out of a dream.
Nora, thank God. He tried to throw his arms around her. But he winced when he realized his arms were taped up with tubes.
Dont move, kid. Youre going to rip something out. Im right here. How are you feeling?
Perfect now that youre here. Ive been going nuts all day trying to figure out how to call you. But if Mom left the room Dad was here and vice versa. They finally left a few minutes ago. The doctor was really insistent they leave me alone tonight.
Nora grinned at him.
Friend of yours? he asked.
Friend of a friend. Its good to have friends in strange places. Ive got a cop who owes me a favor, too, if you ever get arrested.
Ill keep that in mind. Wesley reached out and took her hand in his. Im so glad youre here.
Me, too. I was here earlier creeping in the hallway. I heard your parents talking. Your mom wants you to move home.
She does, but Im not going to. Ive got Dad on my side. Well wear her down.
You better. Good help is so hard to find. So what did the doctor say?
Wesley groaned and Nora ran her hand through his hair. It felt so good just to touch him again, to be near him again. She couldnt believe it had been only one day theyd been apart.
Ive given myself so many shots in the arm that Ive got scar tissue, Wesley said, rubbing his upper left biceps. The insulin isnt getting through it well enough. I have to change my injection site.
Thighs? she asked. Your cute little ass?
Worse. All my daytime shots in my stomach now and my thigh at night. You know, sticking a needle into your own stomach and leaving it there for five seconds is sort of overrated.
Tell me about it. Even the biggest kinksters dont play rough on the stomach. Very sensitive area. When can you come home?
They may let me out tomorrow or the day after. I feel a lot better. Just really tired.
You look like you lost ten pounds and you didnt really have any extra to lose.
Youre the one whos too skinny, Nora.
I have gained eight pounds since you moved in and started cooking every day.
You needed those eight pounds. You were all gristle when I moved in.
I have to be very tough to beat up on all my bad little boys and girls. Im going to beat up on you, too, if you ever scare me like that again.
I dont plan to. Promise.
Wesley smiled at her and she clutched his hand.
Do you want me to run home and bring you anything? Clothes or anything?
Mom will use any excuse to go shopping. She was going to pick some stuff up for me tomorrow morning.
Okay. Ill go and let you sleep then.
Wesley sat up and shook his head.
Dont go. Please.
Ill stay as long as you want me to, Wes, she said to the almost panic in his voice. Scoot over and make room.
Wesley laughed but she wasnt joking. She carefully crawled into his hospital bed and slid under the wires and tubes. She stretched out next to him and Wesley wrapped an IVed arm around her back. She lay against his chest and closed her eyes.
You know, Ive fooled around in a hospital before but never in the pediatric ward.
Nora, youre disgusting. Go to sleep.
You sleep first.
I dont want to sleep. I want to talk to you.
Good. I dont want to sleep, either. What do you want to talk about? Horses?
You want to talk about horses?
Dont be mad but I was digging through your stuff trying to find your friends phone numbers. I found the photo album from last summer. And the stupid picture of me with Speakeasy.
She looked up at him. Even in the dark she could see Wesleys blush.
Its not a stupid picture. You look happy in it.
Of course I do. I was with you.
Wesley smiled down at her. Nora kissed him on the cheek and rested her head once more against his chest. It was such a relief to hear his heart beating steadily against her ear.
How did you find out where I was? Wesley asked. He ran his hand up and down her arm. She knew the last thing he wanted to hear was that S?ren had hunted him down for her, and that Kingsley, her partner in crime, had used some of his connections to get confidential information.
Nora shut her eyes and nestled in closer to Wesley.
Magic.
10
Zach was relieved to find almost fifteen thousand new words from Nora in his email when he arrived at work two days after finding her half-unconscious in his office. Apparently she was working out her nervous energy from not having Wesley at home by writing five breathlessly intense chapters. He read through them and jotted down notes as he went. He was thrilled with what she was doing with the book. But he needed to steer her in a new direction before she wrote any more. The whole book couldnt be a sprint. She needed to stop and let the reader breathe for a chapter or two before kicking into high gear again.
Zach read through his notes again and dialed her office number.
Sophocless House of Patricide and Incest, Nora answered. How may I blind you?
Zach bit the inside of his cheek to keep her from hearing him laugh.
Nora.
Zachary, she said breathlessly.
Youre in a chipper mood, I see.
You can see me? Where are you? Are you in my house?
This time Zach let her hear him laugh.
From this excessive display of mirth and jubilance, I assume your interns come home.
Yes, thank God. With a little subterfuge I managed to smuggle him back under my roof where he belongs. He is resting comfortably right now, and I am on cloud ten because cloud nine was full of pompous Englishmen. Wasnt my scene.
Zach cleared his throat. Speaking of scenes
Oh, God, the book. You know what, Zach, I am in a great mood. Nothing you can say or do will ruin it. Shred the chapters. Do your worst. Make it hurt. Im ready.
Zach took a deep breath.
Theyre fabulous.
He heard Nora snort a most unladylike laugh on the other end of the line.
Youre terrible at this game.
Im quite in earnest, Nora. Theyre excellent. Needs some minor cleaning up but spot-on all the way through. Now you just need to slow the pace down a little.
Any suggestions?
Three words. Showdont tell.
How much are they paying you for this?
Zach chuckled and gave Nora some concrete suggestions for where to take the next two or three chapters.
And I want five more chapters by tomorrow morning, Zach said even though he knew that was an almost impossible challenge.
Slave-driver, she said.
Nora, weve lost a lot of time
Zach, she said and he heard the smile in her voice. Relax. Its me. Slave-drivers a compliment.
They said their goodbyes and Zach hung up the phone. He looked up and saw his assistant standing in the doorway of his office holding a box in her hands.
Oh, God. Another one? he asked.
Afraid so, boss. Mary came inside his office. She put a book-size flat box on his desk.
Have we figured out who is sending this nonsense yet?
Zach picked up the box and warily tore off the plain brown paper wrapping.
I think I know who it is, Mary said. Wonder what it is this time.
It was, what, anal beads two days ago. And a blindfold before that. And what was it last week?
Lube, Mary supplied. K-Y Jelly specifically, I believe. Zach eyed Mary and suppressed a grin. Mary was his second favorite woman hed met since coming to New York. If you keep working with Nora Sutherlin, youll be able to start your own sex shop.
Anything would be preferable to this. I thought only adults were allowed to work in publishing, he said. Turning the box over in his hands, Zach considered just tossing it in the trash. Ever since hed started working with Nora, a new gift would arrive in his office mailbox or on his desk every couple of days.
Come on, you know better than that. Ill bet you anything its Thomas Finley. He thought hed get the job in L.A since hes been here the longest. Hes been pretty pissed ever since J.P. promised it to you. But everyone knows hes still here only because he sucks up so much to the big bosses. Hes doesnt edit books. He just spit-shines shit.
Zach laughed and decided Nora and Mary needed to meet if they hadnt already.
I appreciate the loyalty as well as the imagery. But lets get this over with, shall we? Lovely, Zach said as he pulled out a pair of bright silver handcuffs with a set of tiny keys hanging off the middle link.
Nice. Very shiny. Mary took them from him and examined them closely. You have the right to remain silent, Mary began and slapped the cuffs on his left wrist. Zach gave her a dirty look. Sorry. Too many Law & Order marathons, I think.
Far too many.
Mary took the key and slipped it in the lock. She turned it but the cuffs didnt pop open.
Shit, she breathed in shock. The key doesnt work.
Surely not. Zach took the key and tried it himself. Nothing happened. Bloody hell.
Boss, Im so sorry, Mary said. Ill call a locksmith right now.
That bastard. If its Finley, Ill kill him. Whoever it was wanted this to happen.
She raced from his office and headed to her own. He could only imagine how long it would take to get a locksmith here during the lunch rush hour.
He glanced down and saw Noras manuscript in front of him. And then he looked at his door. He picked up his phone again.
Ian McEwans Cement and Incest Emporium
Nora, really.
I love caller ID. What can I do you for?
I have a small problem involving handcuffs, Zach said, glancing down at his wrist. Do you know anything about locks?
If you knew how much of my life Ive spent chained up, you wouldnt ask that question.
Zach paused a moment and said five words that were surprisingly difficult to get out.
I need your help, Nora.
Zach waited for her to laugh or tease him. Instead, she gave him a small piece of advice that he decided to take and hung up the phone.
I called the locksmith, Mary said, coming back into his office. He said hed be here in a couple of hours.
Cancel him. I called Nora. She gave me a suggestion.
What did she say?
She said, Three wordscome to me.
Zach stood up and pulled on his long gray coat; he stuffed his hands into his pockets so no one could see the cuffs dangling off his left wrist.
And I think I will.
Walking toward the elevator, Zach stiffened in fury as Thomas Finley strolled past him wearing an oily smirk on his face.
Your jokes are not amusing, Finley, Zach said as he continued toward the elevators.
Thats because theyre not jokes, Easton. Finley ducked into his office and Zach resisted the infantile urge to personally show Finley what was and was not amusing. Finley on the floor coughing up bloodthat would be amusing.
Still fuming, Zach momentarily forgot about the handcuffs on his left hand when he stuck his hand out to hit the down button on the elevator. He heard a throat clearing and looked to the right.
J.P. stood at the receptionists desk with his eyebrow arched in disapproval.
Long story, Zach said. As much as he wanted to rant to J.P. about Finleys torments, he was no schoolyard tattletale. Hed handle it himself when the time came.
Might I ask where you are going thusly attired? J.P. asked.
Jail. Obviously. The elevator door opened and Zach stepped inside. He smiled at J.P. knowing full well thats exactly what Nora would have done. Its just about the book.
If it was possible, J.P.s eyebrow seemed to arch even higher.
Its never just about the book, Easton.
* * *
When he put her in the handcuffs, she knew she was in trouble. The third time they ever saw each other she was wearing handcuffs. She wore them not for reasons of kink but of law enforcement. It was raining that night when she got caught for the first and last time. When she arrived at the police station and the cop pulled her out of the squad car, he was standing there just behind her mother. What was he doing here? she asked herself and then realized her mother must have called him out of fear and desperation. What a sight she was that nightsoaked to the skin, bedraggled, wearing her school uniform with her hands cuffed behind her back. Shed glared at him from behind the veil of her wet hair, and he looked back at her with ironic amusement. But that wasnt the only look in his eyes. There was something else there, something it would take years before she fully understood.
She understood it now.
She sat on the floor gagged and handcuffed to the bedpost. In forced silence, she leaned back and watched him. A young woman with pink and blue hair was strapped spread-eagle to a St. Andrews cross. With a cat-o-nine-tails he tattooed the girls back bright red with welts. The girl squirmed and cried out. She begged him to stop. He didnt stop.
After a few minutes the beating ceased. He laid the cat aside and strode over to where she sat on the floor. He knelt in front of her and ordered her to meet his eyes.
Are you ready to apologize now? he asked her. Or shall I continue beating Simone?
The only thing worse than one of his beatings was being forced to watch while someone else took the punishment that was rightfully hers. She slowly nodded her head.
Good girl, he said. He stood up and walked over to the girl on the cross. He unbound her wrists and ankles. Simone stepped gingerly off the platform and knelt on the floor. She kissed the top of his bare feet and rose up again. He bent his head and in a voice too low to overhear, whispered something in her ear. The girl blushed and smiled. She asked for permission to kiss his hand. He granted it.
Simone kissed the center of his palm, gathered her clothes and left the room. They were alone again.
He walked back to her and squatted in front of her. He untied the gag and waited.
You have something to say to me? he asked.
Yes, sir. She took a ragged breath. Im sorry I forgot to call, sir. I apologize for worrying you. I was so tired when I got home I went straight to bed.
It takes mere seconds to call and let me know you arrived home. You are my most treasured possession. Your value to me is beyond what you can conceive. It is my duty to protect you. You know my rules. And you know better than to flout them.
She hated when she disappointed him. But it wasnt her fault she was so tired. Hed kept her up until
3:00 a.m. beating her and fucking her over and over again. It had taken everything she had to just make it to her bed that night. She knew shed worried him when she hadnt called. But it was galling to be treated like a teenager with a curfew. Shed refused to apologize at first. She was twenty-six years old, for Gods sake.
Forgive me, please. Ill do anything.
He raised his eyebrow and she knew shed made a mistake.
Anything?
Her stomach fell through the floor.
An antique black rotary phone sat on a table in his private quarters. He only ever used it for one purpose. He used it for that purpose now.
She didnt look up when the door opened. She knew from the shoes who it was whod entered. Black riding boots. Mens riding boots.
She shouldnt have said anything.
He returned to her and released her from the floor. He didnt remove the handcuffs, though. He kept her hands cuffed behind her back. Hed made her wear her old school uniform tonight in honor of the first time hed seen her in handcuffs.
He unbuttoned her blouse and pushed it roughly off her shoulders. His mouth crashed onto hers and he kissed her until her lips were sore and swollen. He kissed his way down her neck and across her shoulders and breasts, leaving a trail of bite marks and bruises. He pushed her onto her back on the bed and wrenched her skirt up to her hips. He yanked her white cotton panties down her legs, over her white knee socks and saddle shoes. His fingers pushed inside her and spread her wide for him. He gripped her arm and shoved her onto her stomach. She felt his hands between her legs again separating her, prying her open. She braced herself and groaned as he pushed inside her. He rode her with fierce thrusts that left her gasping. She didnt want to moan or cry out. Not with an audience standing at the foot of the bed smiling and watching everything he did to her. But he wrenched the cries from her. She pressed her face into the bed and bit the coverlet trying to stifle the sound of her climax.
He kept thrusting and she was close to her second humiliating orgasm when he came inside her with a ferocious final thrust. She whimpered as he pulled out of her. She rolled onto her side and brought her legs up to her chest. Now they were both looking at her.
The man in the riding boots strolled toward her. He crawled onto the bed.
Sir, please, she begged.
You did say anything.
She swallowed and nodded.
Yes, sir.
The man in the riding boots took her by the ankle and dragged her toward him.
Cest ? moi, the man said as he opened his pants. He pushed inside her and she raised her hips to take him deeper.
My turn.
Nora turned her head and checked the clock. Zach would probably be here soon. She laughed to herself at the thought of Zach getting stuck in handcuffs. How or why hed been playing with handcuffs she could only begin to imagine. But knowing that sexy stuffed shirt of an Englishman there was no way he ended up in them for any of the reasons she ever had.
She stared at the words on her screenCest ? moi, she read again and sighed. She exited from the document without saving it then stood up and headed to the living room.
Wesley lay stretched out on the couch with a chemistry textbook balanced on his chest and a highlighter between his teeth. He looked so warm and comfortable in his battered jeans and bleached-white socks and the double layer of T-shirts that she just wanted to stretch out on top of him and fall asleep on his chest. She was deliriously relieved he was home. But as happy as she was to have him back, she worried he was going to make himself sick again. He was supposed to start giving himself his insulin shots in his stomach, but he hadnt been able to make himself do it yet.
You catching up on your homework? she asked.
Wesley spit the highlighter out.
Yeah. Ive got three days of make-up work. I know what Ill be doing this weekend.
Dont work too hard. I want to see nothing but decadent laziness on your part.
I think I can handle that. Where are you going? he asked as she pulled her coat on.
Across the street. Zachs coming over. When youre done laughing at him, just send him over. Tell him to go in and look up.
Wesley eyed her suspiciously.
Why would I laugh at Zach?
She bent down and kissed him on the forehead.
Youll see.
* * *
Zach hopped the train and headed north to Noras. But when he knocked on the door it was Wesley who answered.
Feeling better? Zach asked.
Much. Puking your guts out then fainting in a library bathroom is no way to spend a Monday night.
Agreed. Nora seems quite pleased to have you back. You gave her quite the scare.
Its only fair. She scares me half to death at least once a week. Zach laughed but Wesleys eyes showed no mirth.
Youre looking mostly restored. Zach envied the boy his youth. Three days in the hospital and Wesley still looked hearty and hale.
Nora said I looked fit to be tied up. Im hoping she didnt mean it literally.
Apparently someone meant it literally with me, Zach said, pulling his hand out of his pocket and showing Wesley the handcuffs dangling from his wrist.
Wesley laughed at him and Zach couldnt help but join in. It really was quite embarrassing and ridiculous.
Dont feel bad, Zach, Wesley said when he was done laughing. Nora made me help her with a scene once. I ended up hog-tied on the living-room floor for half an hour.
Now it was Zachs turn to laugh. Was there any woman in the world quite like Nora? He was so glad she existed; even more glad there was only one of her.
Where is Nora, by the way? Shes going to try to help get these things off me.
If anyone can, its her. She wants you to meet her at church.
Church?
Wesley stood on the threshold of Noras house with his arms crossed over his chest. He reached out and pointed to a building on the corner of the block.
There. Go in. Look up. Youll find her.
Wesley shut the door and Zach crossed the street and reached the end of the block. Zach read the sign out in front of the church. St. Lukes Catholic Church, it said with the mass schedule underneath.
With trepidation, Zach slipped through the front doors of the small neo-Renaissance church. Apart from attending the weddings of a few friends hed rarely stepped inside a church before. And he was certain this was his first time in a Catholic sanctuary. He glanced at the dripping candles and the stained-glass scenes of violence. In this setting the imagery in Noras books made more sense.
Go in, look up, Wesley had instructed.
Zach strode to the center of the sanctuary and looked up.
Im up here, Zach.
Zach glanced up and found Nora at the back of the church leaning over the ledge of a small balcony section.
What are you doing up there? he asked, trying to keep his voice low. The acoustics were so good he felt as if he shouted every word.
Choir practice. Show me the damage. Zach pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up his wrist to show her the dangling handcuffs.
My, my, my She sighed, affecting a Southern drawl she no doubt stole from Wesley. I see temptation has come a knockin and you have answered the door
Hardly, Blanche DuBois. I have a rather irksome prankster at my office. This was his pathetic attempt at a joke.
Well, come on up. Lets see what we can do.
Zach found the tiny stairwell that led to the loft. In the loft he found smaller versions of the churchs pews and an ancient-looking sound system. Nora sat on the balcony ledge and pointed to the pew in front of her.
Come here, Kinky Easton. She beckoned. Amateur. You know you should always do an equipment check before you play.
Today Nora wore jeans and a white blouse. With her hair down and loose about her shoulders, Zach was drawn to her despite himself. She reached for his hand and he felt a current go through him when her fingers touched his wrist.
So what do you think? he asked, trying to ignore the pleasant sensation of his hand in hers. Some sort of wire cutters? Or can you pick the lock?
I can pick it. But I dont have to.
Nora reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out her keys. She flipped through a couple of them, stuck one in the lock and turned it. The cuffs popped open and fell off his wrist.
Wonderful, he breathed. Thank you.
Youre welcome. She stuffed the keys back in her pocket and picked up the cuffs. These are police issue cuffs. The key on them should have worked.
It didnt. Both Mary and I tried.
Your prankster was really trying to cause trouble then. Handcuffs are mostly standardized in America and Canada. He wanted one or both of you to get stuck.
You know your stuff, dont you? he asked, impressed despite himself.
I strive for authenticity in my work.
So thats why you keep a handcuff key with you?
She smiled slyly.
Gotta be prepared. We guttersnipes are always ending up in trouble with the coppers.
You know, I should apologize for being so rude about you. The work is going rather well.
The tiredness temporarily disappeared from her eyes.
Thanks, Zach. I appreciate that.
Dont thank me yet. We arent even close to the finish line.
I know. Thats why I came here. This is a good place for praying and meditating.
Praying? Really?
I grew up in the Catholic Church, believe it or not. Cradle Catholic, they call us. I was probably born in a pew. Knowing my father I was probably conceived in one, as well. I dont attend Mass much these days, but I do get homesick now and then.
They must stand in line to hear your confessions.
Nora released a hollow, joyless laugh.
No, she said, not quite meeting his eyes. I dont go to confession anymore.
So what brings you here then if youre no longer practicing? Faith or just nostalgia?
Maybe its nostalgia for my faith. She shrugged and laughed again. I still believe. I do. My life has been too blessed not to believe. Faith just isnt as easy as it used to be. Not since I left S?ren anyway.
Was it easier with him?
Nora nodded. Its easy to believe in God when you wake up every morning knowing you are completely and unconditionally loved. S?ren gave me that.
But still you left him. Why?
There are only two reasons why you leave someone youre still in love witheither its the right thing to do, or its the only thing to do.
Which was it?
Nora exhaled slowly. The right thing. I think. You?
Zach turned his head and saw an icon of the Virgin Mary holding the infant Jesus in her arms.
The only thing. I think. Suffice it to say Grace and I never should have been together to start with.
Sounds like me and S?ren. We definitely shouldnt have been together.
Why? Maybe if he could find out why Nora left the man she loved so deeply, he could begin to understand why Grace had pulled away from him.
He had Nora paused and seemed to search for the right word other obligations.
Is he married?
She raised her hand and touched her neck. He followed her eyes. She gazed at a small iron Jesus impaled on his cross.
Something like that. She shook herself from her reverie and met Zachs eyes again. Come on. Lets get back to the house. You can look over my new chapters. Nora gave Zach her hand and he let her pull him up. But she didnt stop with up. She pulled him straight to her.
Face-to-face, their bodies were only separated by a hairbreadth. Nora looked down and back up again.
Oh, dear. No room for the Holy Ghost.
You are incorrigible, Ms. Sutherlin. Zachs smile died as he noticed the dark circles under Noras eyes. You look exhausted. Are you not sleeping?
Im fine. But last night I kept waking up every hour and going in to check on Wes. You know, I got an IUD so I would never have to do the is junior still breathing? thing. This is very unfair.
IUDyou are a bad Catholic, arent you?
The birth control is the least of my worries if I ever have to answer to the pope, she said, taking a step back. I do as Martin Luther instructedI sin boldly.
He followed her down the steps and along the rows of pews to a side entrance he hadnt seen when he came in. Inside the door was a foyer where Nora had left her coat.
Do they make the sinners use the side door? he asked.
Wed all have to use the side door then. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.
A Bible-quoting erotica writeryou are quite the oxymoron, Zach said.
And a Moxie Whore-On sometimes. Nora winked at him. If it helps, S?ren used to say Catholicism was the perfect faith for someone into S&M.
Why?
Nora opened her mouth and closed it again as if she started to say something and then thought better of it.
Show, dont tell, she said, taking his arm.
Together they walked back into the sanctuary taking another doorway on the opposite side that opened up to a long corridor. The walls of the corridor were adorned with framed prints of biblical scenes. Scenes from the Hebrew Bible were on his rightimages that he remembered from his childhood in Hebrew school; he recognized Ruth and Naomi, Jacobs Ladder, the Crossing of the Red Sea, among others. On his left were scenes from the New Testamentimages far less familiar to him. Nora brought him to the end of the hall and stopped in front of the third print from the end.
This ones my favorite, she said, still holding his arm. Antonio Ciseris Ecce Homo. Thats Behold the Man if you arent up on your Latin.
A tad rusty. Is this from the Crucifixion?
From the Passion. This is when Christ is being presented to the angry mob.
Ah, yes. When we bloodthirsty Jews killed Jesus, right?
Nora smiled and shook her head. You kidding? Jesus died for the sins of the world. Everyone who ever lived killed Jesus. She paused and smiled sadly. I killed Him.
Zach said nothing as he studied the painting, struck by the artists choice of bright colors to paint such a dark scene.
S?ren has this impressively twisted theology of the Trinity, you know. God the Father inflicted the suffering and humiliation, God the Son submitted to it willingly and God the Holy Spirit gave Christ the grace to endure it.
Your S?ren soundsinteresting, Zach said, attempting to be diplomatic.
He was never my S?ren. Thats the one thing about being a collared submissive. I was his. He never was mine. But yes, he is interesting. The most caring sadist you could ever hope to meet.
But you loved him?
And I loved him, she corrected. S?ren said Jesus was the only man who ever made him feel humble. He makes me feel humble, too.
S?ren or Jesus?
But Nora didnt answer. Instead, she released Zachs arm and stepped toward the print.
Just look at it. Look at Him. Isnt He the most beautiful thing youve ever seen, Zach? Shed said his name but from the ethereal tone of her voice, it seemed as if she were talking to herself instead. Its the Praetorium. Pilate was a kind of Roman overseer of Jerusalem. He was trying to keep a very fragile peace so instead of immediately sentencing Christ to die, he orders Him to be scourged. Scourging meant a near fatal beating with a whip that had glass and bone and rocks embedded in the lashes. It was a serious punishment. He hoped that would satisfy the mobs bloodlust. But look at the paintingno wounds. The skin of his back looks perfect. But supposedly Hes just been brutally, viciously whipped. Ciseri is emphasizing Christs beauty, not His beating. Hes showing Christs feminine side. Admittedly its very inaccurate, I know. Almost all depictions of the crucifixion are inaccurate. That little loincloth they always show Jesus wearing? Didnt exist. Victims of crucifixion were stripped completely naked to add to their shame and humiliation. Artists cant bring themselves to show just how fully human Jesus was.
Zach said nothing, strangely spellbound by Noras words.
Just imagine what this was like for Him, Zach. Nora shook her head as if she couldnt imagine it herself. We talk about the Virgin Mary, but Jesus never married. He was a virgin, too. And there He was completely naked on display for the whole world to see, and right in front of Him is Mary Magdalene, who was his best friend, and His poor mother. His mother, Zach. He must have been so embarrassed, so humiliated. See these two women here. They get it.
Zach glanced at the painting and then at Nora.
Look how Ciseri painted Jesus. See the curve of His back and shoulders. It is a classic feminine posture. His hands are tied behind His back and His robe is falling over His hips. And all the men are just pointing and staring and gawking. But the womensee them?they cant bear it. Ones looking down and she Nora pointed at a female figure who was turned completely away from the horrible scene unfolding behind her she cant even look. She has to hold on to the other woman just to keep from collapsing. And of all of them, shes the only one whose whole face we can see.
Nora fell into silent contemplation again and Zach watched her eyes. They were fixed on the two women in the foreground, huddled together in palpable distress. They know what Hes feeling. The women always know. They know it isnt just a beating or a murder theyre being forced to witness. It wasnt even just a crucifixion. It was a sexual assault, Zach. It was a rape.
Nora took a deep breath and Zach felt his own breath catch in his chest. He wanted to say something but didnt trust himself to speak yet.
Thats why I believe, Zach, Nora continued. Because of all gods, Jesus alone understands. He understands the purpose of pain and shame and humiliation.
What is the purpose? Zach asked, truly wanting to know.
Noras eyes returned to the two women in the foreground clinging to each other in sympathy and horror.
For salvation, of course. For love.
11
You think Im so damn obedient, Caroline said as she pulled away from William. She stood at the window looking out on their backyard where just yesterday they had sat and talked until dusk. If only there were more yesterdays instead of so many todays.
Youve never given me cause for complaint. She heard the confusion in his voice.
Its always yes, sir and no, sir and as you wish, sir. But its not out of obedience.
Then what is it, Caroline?
She didnt want to answer. But she knew she couldnt keep lying to him with her every breath.
Fear.
Of what?
Of thisgame you make us play. It isnt a game to you, though, is it?
He came to stand behind her. She braced herself but he didnt touch her.
No, it isnt. For me this is very real.
I want it to be a gameso much, Caroline admitted. Games can be won. You win the game and the games over. And I want it to end.
It can end, William said, his voice soft with sadness. If you stop playing.
But I cant. If I quit playing She didnt finish the sentence, couldnt bring herself to finish it.
Then neither of us will ever win. William said what shed been afraid to say.
So whats the consolation prize? she asked, trying and failing to find a smile for him.
William bent and rested his chin on the top of her head. He wrapped his arms around her and she sank into him and closed her eyes. This game had an hourglass for a timer and she saw the sand running out.
I dont think there is one.
* * *
God, it was wrenching. Zach minimized the document and pushed back from his computer. He stood and walked around his office. Stopping at the window, he stared out at the city and the sky. Today was a gray day, cold and windy. It had been windy the day hed left England: a sea wind, warm and fierce, and Zach recalled waiting at the airport almost hoping his flight would be canceled or even just delayed long enough for Grace to realize he really was going. But the wind had failed him that day. It had carried him aloft instead of forcing him aground. Sailors wives once had little balconies on their roofs. What were they called? Widows walks. That was it. Yes, the widows walk, the place where they could go alone and stare out to sea and watch and wait. He envied them their macabre station. At least they could see the ship coming in. At least they had a place to hide their grief every day it didnt.
Zach stared at the sky and wished he could see all the way across the gray ocean. Gray was Graces favorite color. She joked it was like silver only sadder, and hed tease her about all the gray sweaters in her closet, the dozens of gray woolen socks. Grace would have loved a morning like this. She would have opened the curtains, opened the blinds and dragged him back to bed with her to make hasty love before the sun intruded and changed the color of the day.
Tearing his eyes from the sky, he looked down at the gray streets below. Supposedly from this height everyone was supposed to look like ants. But they didnt look like ants to him at all. They still looked like people. He leaned his head against the glass and watched their progress. He was afraid for them and didnt know why.
Norawas she why? When hed made her cut the more graphic scenes of sexual violence from her book shed replaced them with emotional violence. Now everywhere he looked he saw people as fragile as paper.
Noras book had impressed him more than he wanted to admit. Most impressively she had turned the romance novel formula on its head. One of the cardinal rules of classic romance was that at no point, no matter how infuriating the heroine was and no matter how much the hero wanted to throttle her, he could never, would never raise his hand to her. But William was a sadist and used pain to prove his love. And where the romance novel began with the two characters trying to come together against forces both internal and external, Noras novel began with them together and then let the forces slowly, torturously tear them apart. She was writing the antiromance novel.
Zach let his eyes focus on one of the small figures below him on the street. He couldnt tell if it was a man or a woman. He or she bustled across the street in a great hurry. He wondered if this was why Nora was drawn to religion despite herself. The Pagan gods sat on high and played with their subjects like pieces on a chessboard. Noras god turned Himself into a pawn and let Himself be captured. He could see the attraction. Zach wanted to run down to the street below and follow whoever it was until he was certain he or she made it on time. He wanted to know everything turned out fine for at least one person in the gray city today.
Zach pulled away from the window and faced his desk again. As he returned to his computer he remembered Noras original first line from the first draft of her novelI dont want to write this story any more than you want to read it. He realized it wasnt just William speaking to Caroline. It was Nora talking to him.
He sat down and opened Noras revisions again. He made himself keep reading. As much as it hurt, he had to know what happened next.
* * *
Nora sat at her kitchen table writing furiously in her notebook. Shed given up on her computer a few hours ago. Her wrists were aching from typing, but she still had another chapter in her head she wanted to get on paper. After her long talk with Zach yesterday at church, shed come home newly inspired. She had made a terrible mistake with her characters in her first draft. In the original ending of her book, Caroline was no longer able to bear Williams darkness. In the original ending, Caroline left him. But Nora realized shed done Caroline a great wrong. She was no sexual masochist; she was an emotional masochist and never would she leave the man she loved, the man she was certain needed her help. No, in the new ending William, out of love for her, would send her away. It was beautiful and brutal and how it had to end. William had told her that and she knew better than to cross him.
Wesley had spent the past two hours with her at the kitchen table catching up on more make-up work while she wrote. She wasnt worried about his homework. Wesley had a shockingly keen mind under that mess of blond hair and had made Deans List all three semesters hed been at Yorke. Shed made Deans List once when she was in college. S?ren had ordered her to just to annoy her. Just to annoy him, shed done it. Wesley was a natural hard worker, however, and didnt need anyone telling him to do his homework or study. She told him once he could never be a writer like she was. He wasnt nearly lazy enough.
Wesley Nora looked up and around the kitchen. Wesley had left over twenty minutes ago to check his blood sugar and take his insulinsomething that usually took less than a minutebefore he started cooking dinner. Nora went looking for him and found him leaning over the downstairs bathroom sink.
You okay, Wes? she asked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.
Wesley laughed and shook his head.
You know, I have ridden some of the biggest, meanest, scariest stallions on the planet. You wouldnt think a little needle in my stomach would bother me this much.
Relieved that he wasnt sick again, Nora exhaled and entered the bathroom. Wesley stood up straight and she hopped up on the counter next to the sink.
Still cant do it?
Nope. I think I have a mental block.
I can help with mental blocks.
Wesley shook his head. I have to do it myself, or Ill never get over this.
You will do it yourself. You handle the needle. Ill handle the mental block. Whats our target?
Wesley pointed to a spot on the center of his stomach a hands span beneath the bottom of his rib cage.
Dr. Singh said Im supposed to think of my stomach like a clock face when I rotate my injections. I start at noon for the first one and then move an inch for the second one. That way Im not going to hit the same spot over and over again.
Nora nodded. Clock face, huh? She reached out and lifted the bottom of Wesleys T-shirt. Hed lost weight in the hospital so now his four-pack abdomen was a stark six-pack. He had nothing left on his frame but muscle. She let loose a wolf-whistle. Sexiest clock Ive ever seen.
Nora, Wesley said and pulled his shirt back down. He was blushing. Stop it.
Wesley, you walk around the house without a shirt on all the time. Proof that youre a secret sadist, I think.
Wesley grimaced and Nora laughed.
I am not a sadist. Im nothing like him.
You are a lot like him. She thought it was cute how Wesley tried to never say S?rens name. You both worry about me too much.
Anyone whos ever met you worries about you, Wesley countered.
And youre both blonds. Except youve got dark blond hair and his is light blond.
Well, hes Swedish or whatever.
Danish. His mother was Danish and his father was English. Between the two of them, hes the least American American Ive ever met. Another thing you two have in commonyoure both musicians.
Wesley eyed her suspiciously. Does he play guitar, too?
Piano. He could have been a concert pianist, but now he just plays for fun.
Hes one of those perfect guys, right? Wesley asked, crossing his arms. His hairs never messed up, he never spills anything, never trips.
Nora nodded. If thats your definition of perfect, he does qualify. Ive lost track of the number of languages he speaks. And he can be very witty and charming when he wants to be. And hes ludicrously handsome. Hes also pretentious and conceited.
Wesley grinned at her. Keep going.
And hes never ridden a horse in his life much less some of the biggest, meanest, scariest stallions on the planet. And, she said, reaching out for Wesleys T-shirt again, he doesnt make me laugh and smile every single day like a certain someone I know.
Wesley raised his arms and Nora pulled his T-shirt off. Just to make it fair she unbuttoned her blouse and let it join Wesleys shirt on the floor. Wesley seemed to be trying very hard not to stare at her wearing just her jeans and bra.
So were shooting for here? she asked and touched a spot on his stomach a few inches above Wesleys belly button.
Yeah. Thats noon.
Gotcha. She flicked noon with her fingers hard enough Wesley flinched.
Ouch! He laughed. Nora flicked again.
What are you doing?
In S&M, if youre about to give someone a beating, you start off soft to desensitize the skin. A little pain at first can prevent a lot of pain later. She kept flicking until their target spot had turned bright red.
This might be worse than the needle.
Nora looked at him and raised her eyebrows.
Okay, I see what you did there, Wesley said and Nora finally stopped flicking him. Now what?
Take this and turn around, she ordered, handing him his insulin pen. Lean back against me.
Wesley turned his back to her and Nora wrapped her arms around him. His young skin was smooth and warm, and when the swell of her breasts made contact with his back, she sensed him shiver. She reminded herself she was trying to help him, not seduce him.
Okay, look down at my hands. Her hands were on his rib cage. Breathe in so deeply that you inflate your lungs like a balloon and my fingers spread apart.
Wesley took a deep breath as instructed and Nora felt her hands open up.
Now exhale slowly for five seconds and then breathe in again.
Wesley obeyed, taking another breath in and then exhaling one more time.
This time, she said, breathe in just as deeply but when you exhale, pop the air out hard and stick the needle in. Ill count to five and then you pull it out.
One more time Wesley pulled in air. Now blow it out hard, Nora said.
Wesley pushed the air from his lungs and from the tiny flinch she felt she knew hed stuck himself.
She counted to five slowly and dropped a small kiss on his back between each number. At five he pulled the needle out.
He turned around and beamed at her.
Thats my boy, she said, and Wesley hugged her.
That wasnt as horrible as I thought it would be.
Its a good trick, Nora said as Wesley released her. Works if you get a body piercing, too. I speak from experience. Wesley had never seen where she was pierced.
No, thanks. The tattoo was enough for me.
Noras eyes widened with shock.
What? You have a tattoo?
Wesley groaned.
Yes, I have a tattoo. A little one.
Wesleyyoure telling me that you had a mental block over injecting insulin in your stomach but you got a tattoo?
I didnt have to give myself the tattoo. And believe me, I didnt watch.
Nora pursed her lips and looked him up and down.
Well, Ive seen you shirtless and Ive seen you in boxers so its got be somewhere in this area. She pointed at his pelvic region and Wesley blushed again. Caught. I knew it. Show me, show me.
I am not going to show you. Its stupid.
Ill show you my piercing.
How about I show you my tattoo and you dont show me your piercing. Deal?
My idea was better but whatever. Show me.
Wesley exhaled loudly through his nose and started unbuttoning his jeans. Nora applauded. Rolling his eyes at her, Wesley pulled down his jeans and boxers just enough to reveal a small tattoo on his right hip. Nora leaned over and looked at it.
Its a trumpet, she said, surprised by the strange image.
Its the bugle from the call to post at Churchill Downs for the Kentucky Derby. One of the horses Dad worked with did really well at the Derby a couple of years ago. He got the horses name tattooed on his shoulder. When I turned eighteen, I got the bugle. I only got it on my hip so Mom wouldnt see it.
Its very sexy. Nora reached out and traced the tattoo with the tip of her finger. Wesley inhaled as her finger touched the sensitive skin. He was so responsive to everything she did that she couldnt help but wonder what hed be like in bed. But she didnt kid herself. She knew his responsiveness had very little to do with her and a lot to do with his being nineteen and still a virgin.
Its not supposed to be sexy. Its a tribute to the most important horse race in the world.
Wesley pulled his boxers back up and buttoned his jeans.
So the Kentucky Derbys a big deal? Nora asked. Must be if Ive heard of it.
Its the most exciting two minutes in sports.
Two minutes? she scoffed. I better get a dozen roses and a big apology if all I get is two minutes.
Its a very long two minutes if you have a horse in the race. Its not just that race, though. The whole thing lasts all day. There are races before and then all the people watching and the women in their crazy hats and everybodys drunk on mint juleps, which are disgusting if you ask me, but dont tell anyone I said that. Wesley looked at her and took a quick little breath. You should come with me this year.
Nora raised her chin and studied Wesley. He didnt quite meet her gaze.
Did you just ask me out on a date, Wes Railey?
Nora, we live together. Asking you on a date would kind of be a step backward.
Yes, but were roommates. We dont live together. And dont you think itll be a little hard to keep the erotica-writer-roommate thing a secret if I show up with you wearing a sombrero at the Kentucky Derby?
Wesley reached down and picked up their shirts off the floor. He pulled his T-shirt on, but Nora was in no hurry to get dressed. She enjoyed watching Wesley trying not to watch her too much.
I sort of told Dad about you.
Youre kidding. Did he freak out?
I didnt go into detail. I just sort of let him think I had a girlfriend so hed really back me up about not moving home. He was starting to get worried his son was, you know
A stallion not interested in mares?
Wesley laughed. Right. He was thrilled.
I never figured you for a liar. Im impressed.
I didnt lie. Youre a girl whos a friend ergo
Girlfriend. Well, if Im going to be your girlfriend, this virginity thing has got to go. But after dinner, she said and finally pulled her blouse back on.
She started to leave the bathroom but Wesley grabbed her hand.
You didnt say if youd go with me or not.
Nora smiled up at him. She couldnt believe how serious Wesley was being.
Yes, Wes. I will go with you to the most exciting two minutes in sports. When is it?
First Saturday in May.
Ill book the flight. You get the tickets.
I already have the tickets. I go every year. My family would cancel Christmas before they missed the Derby. I only missed last year because of finals. No school in Central Kentucky would ever hold a final on Derby Day.
Were all damned Yankees up here, arent we?
I like you Yankees. Yall talk funny.
Nora twined her fingers in his and studied him. Since getting out of the hospital, hed seemed older, calmer, more sure of himself. And he also seemed more intent on spending time with her. He read in her office while she wrote. When she moved from her office to the kitchen, he went with her. She liked having him as a shadow. Since getting him back home shed wished more than a few times that they were lovers so they could sleep in the same bed. As much as he shadowed her by day, she shadowed him at night. Ever since he came home from the hospital, she found herself waking up several times a night to make sure he was okay. Shed half considered getting a baby monitor and hiding it under his bed.
Nora took a step toward him and heard the devil on her shoulder telling her to kiss him, really kiss him for the first time. She tried to hear the angel on her shoulder but she remembered her angel had long ago turned in his letter of resignation. She wrapped an arm around Wesleys neck and rose on tiptoes.
From the kitchen came the unmistakable sound of her hotline phone blaring its Klaxon ringtone at her. Wesley sighed and rested his chin on top of her head.
Its okay, Nora said and kissed him quick on the cheek. She still had a lot of writing to do for Zach, and it would take a whole team of stallions to drag her away from Wesley tonight. She leaned into Wesleys chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. Just let it ring.
12
Four weeks left
What the hell was he doing?
Zach wondered how many times since meeting Nora hed asked himself that question. He was getting into double digits at least. He paid his cabdriver and faced Wordsworths Bookshelf, the venue for Noras book-signing today. He shouldnt be here. Saturnalia wasnt even a Royal House title. The previous books didnt matter, but for some reason Nora was starting to.
Zach entered through the grand double doors and found the signing area at the back of the store. It was a small sort of stage with a table and a chair roped off on three sides. Wesley stood on the platform talking to a man in his fifties with a kind face and absolutely no hair on his head. Zach stepped inside the roped off area. A table sat in front of a wall and was stacked high with copies of Noras most recent bestseller. The bald man excused himself to fetch a pitcher of water and a glass.
Nice tie, Zach said to Wesley. Quite natty.
NattyBritish compliment, right?
Right.
Noras orders. Not really a tie guy.
Her orders? Where is our autocrat anyway?
Hiding somewhere. Her last book with Libretto came out two months ago. This is her last event for them. She loathes these things.
As extroverted as she is, I would have thought signings would be her forte.
Shes all bark, Zach. Wesleys eyes scanned the crowd that was beginning to form behind the red ropes. Being around a lot of people bothers her when shes not in total control of the situation.
Control freak, is she?
Wesley pointed to his chest.
Note the tie.
Zach laughed at Wesleys disgusted, but amused face. It still seemed strange and uncomfortable that Wesley was so devoted to a woman so much older than he. He knew how dangerous romantic hero-worship could be.
Looks like its about to start, Zach said as the bald man put the pitcher and glass on the signing table. Zach counted about forty or fifty people already in the queue and more joining by the minute. Should I go fetch our elusive author?
Would you mind? I want to stay here and keep an eye on things.
Zach noticed Wesley paying close attention to the people waiting for Nora. Wesleys eyes studied every man in line. There were more men than Zach would have expected. Erotica was usually marketed as a subgenre of romance and yet there were at least a half a dozen adult men and a few teenage boys in the line holding shiny new copies of Noras latest release.
Worried about the fans? Zach asked.
You would be, too, if you had to open the fan mail.
Point taken. Ill go find Nora. Any suggestions?
Wesley met the eyes of one young man in the crowd. Zach noted nothing particularly menacing about him although he did seem nervous and impatient and was casting envious glances at him and Wesley standing inside the ropes. He wore an army-green jacket and heavy combat boots. Not the typical romance fan. But then again, nothing about Nora or her books was particularly typical.
Try upstairs, Wesley suggested. The kids section.
Zach had trouble accepting the idea that Nora would be hiding with Winnie the Pooh and Harry Potter. Of course, he would never have imagined her hiding in a church, either. He took the escalator to the second level and followed dinosaur footprints painted on the carpet that led him to a brightly colored alcove. He turned a corner at the picture books and heard a familiar raucous laugh.
On a tiny stage Nora sat with a book in her hand, her coat laid across her lap to cover her too short red leather skirt. Three small childrenone boy about five or six years old and two tiny girls sat wide-eyed and spellbound listening to Nora.
Beware the Jub-Jub bird, Nora recited as she held the book open so the children could see the pictures, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch.
Whats a Bandersnatch? the smallest girl asked, tripping over the awkward word.
Its like a bird-dolphin-hippo-snake thing, Nora explained matter-of-factly. But more frumious. Got it?
The kids nodded and giggled as Nora turned the page. Zach coughed to get Noras attention.
Oh, what do you want? Nora closed the book and glowered at him.
Your presence, madam, Zach said, putting on his most posh Oxford accent, is required on the main floor.
Nora groaned and stood up.
Sorry, kiddles. I have to go.
The older girl tugged on Noras sleeve.
Miss Ellie, she said, is that your boyfriend? she asked in a whisper everyone could hear.
No, Nora said in a stage whisper of her own. Hes my babysitter.
Nora left the children with obvious reluctance.
Im your editor. Not your babysitter. And who is Ellie?
The question is Who was Ellie? And better questionwhat the hell are you doing here?
Wesley invited me. He said book-signings made you nervous.
Book-signings make him more nervous than they make me. They just annoy me. You sit there like some queen on a dais with all of seven people out there and four of them are related to you.
Well, theres eight people counting me, Zach said. If you hate signings then why are you doing one at such a large bookshop?
Because Lex asked me and I couldnt say no. Nora sighed. Saying no has never been my strongest suit.
Lex?
Bald guyLex Luthor. Owns the place. I used to work here so we keep in touch.
They reached the down escalator and Zach noticed a man with shoulder-length dark hair pulled back in a ponytail standing at the railing and staring at Nora. He wore a Victorian-cut gray suit and riding boots and next to him stood the most exotically beautiful black woman hed ever seen in his life. The man said something in French to the woman and the woman smiled. The man leaned against the railing and winked at Nora. Nora stepped onto the escalator, looked calmly up at the man, raised her hand and flipped him off. The mans stunning companion only laughed.
Who is that? Zach asked once they were out of earshot.
Nora shrugged as they reached the first floor. No idea.
Zach heard her mumble something else but couldnt quite make it out over the applause. They parted ways and Zach rejoined Wesley.
Nora stood on the platform and waved at the assembled crowd of nearly a hundred. Lex stood next to her and opened the books to the title page for her while Nora chatted with her fans.
No reading? Zach asked Wesley.
Nora doesnt do readings at straight bookstores as she calls them. She doesnt want to get arrested for public indecency. And no Q&A session, either.
For the same reason, I suppose, Zach said and smiled.
Nora sat a few yards away but Zach could hear her bantering with her devotees. One young woman asked Nora where she got her inspiration. Nora answered, Catholic school.
Zach laughed to himself, enjoying the repartee, but Wesley paid no attention. He kept scanning the crowd and not once did he take his eyes off the men who waited in line. Zach let Wesley watch the crowd while Zach watched Nora. For all her protestations she seemed to be having a wonderful time. She looked radiant in her red suit even if her skirt was too short to be entirely appropriate. Another young woman brought out a riding crop and Nora attempted to sign its narrow length. An older man in a suit got Noras permission to kiss the tip of her shoe while the mans wife took a picture.
So how long have you lived with Nora? Zach asked Wesley, hoping to distract him from his unnecessary vigilance.
A little over a year.
And how long have you been in love with her?
Wesley looked sharply at Zach before laughing ruefully.
A little over a yearand a few months.
She doesnt know?
Nope. She only asked me to move in because I sort of hinted that I might have to move back to Kentucky. I thought if I told Nora I might be moving
You wanted to see how she would react, Zach said with a sad half smile. And she called your bluff. Zach couldnt stop himself from recalling the day he told Grace he was moving to the States. If thats what you want, Zachary, wasnt the answer hed been hoping for.
That she did. Wesley grinned at Nora who looked away from her fan long enough to return the smile.
I see it worked for you. Didnt work quite so well for me. I think I underestimated you, Wesley.
I hope I overestimated you, Wesley said, and Zach felt a quick pang of guilt.
Im not your competition, young man. I am still married after all.
Doesnt matter, Wesley said with far too much bitterness for someone so young. Holy vows have never stopped her before. Yours wont, either.
Yours seem to have stopped her.
Wesley said nothing for a moment, and Zach knew hed misspoken.
She told you I was still a virgin?
Zach heard Wesleys wounded pride.
Im sorry, Wesley. I accused her of taking advantage of you and she was simply defending herself.
Its okay, Wesley said. Im not ashamed of it. Im justwaiting.
For her?
You think Im an idiot, right?
Of course not. But whether you like to admit it or not, she is fourteen years older than you. These sorts of relationships rarely work out even under the best of circumstances. Not if experience is any indicator.
Yeah, well, whose experience?
Zach looked from Wesley and back at Nora. He stared at her but didnt see her. Instead, he saw a door and the door opened and standing in the doorway was Grace, and no woman in the history of the world had ever looked so brave or so scared or so beautiful standing in a doorway.
Mine.
Wesley didnt answer. Zach didnt know what to say to comfort him. If he had any words of comfort, he would have told them to himself. But there was nothing but the cold, hard truth that loving someone and being loved back was only the beginning, not the end, of all the pain.
The young man in the green jacket came to Nora with his book to sign. Zach heard Nora asking for his name and if he wanted her to write anything in particular in his book.
How about, To my number one fan, Fuck me, the young man said leaning over the table. And then sign it in blood.
Zachs stomach dropped when the man pulled out a small thin, knife and started to climb onto the table. Wesley was already on his way to Nora. It was a good thing, too, because Nora had pushed back out of her chair and the man loomed only inches from her. He saw her back pressed to the wall.
It seemed to happen in slow motion. Wesley jumped up on the signing platform and dragged the man back by his jacket and threw him down hard to the floor.
Zach, get her out of here! Wesley shouted at him.
The urgency in Wesleys voice jarred Zach from his state of shock. He ran to Nora and grabbed her by the arm.
No, Zach, she said, trying to get to Wesley. For a second time since meeting her he was shocked by how much strength was hidden in her small frame.
This way, Lex said and Zach finally steered Nora away from the crowd and toward the bookstores stockroom. As he dragged her away he glanced up to the second floor. The man in the gray suit had pulled out a cell phone and was dialing a number. Zach hoped it was 911. They reached the stockroom and Lex locked the door.
Nora was already on her way to the door when Zach stopped her, blocking the door with his body.
Get out of my way, she ordered with shocking ferocity. Wes is out there with that lunatic.
Im sure hes fine, Zach said, not sure he believed his own words. But he knew if the man was dangerous then it was Nora who he was after, not Wesley. Stay back here until its safe.
Hes right. Ill go check on things, Lex said and hung up the phone. Im sure securitys got him by now.
Please, she begged, make sure Wes is okay.
Lex left them in the stockroom and Zach locked the door again.
Yet another reason why I avoid signings, Nora said, pacing the floor. Her high heels echoed ominously against the cold concrete floor.
I see. This happens a lot at your appearances?
Nora shook her head. Ive had my fair share of crazies. But this is the first one with a knife.
Well, violent erotica will give the crazies ideas.
Nora looked up at him sharply.
Are you blaming my books for this?
Of course not. Its only that stories with sexual violence in them will attract violent people. It appeals to the baser instincts.
Baser instincts? Violent people? My readers are housewives and college girls and a few straight guys who are trying way too hard to find out what women want in the bedroom. I dont write for insane people. Is it Salingers fault that Mark David Chapman misread Catcher in the Rye?
That is not what Im implying. But when you market yourself as a sex object, it cant come as a shock when someone decides you can be bought.
Bought? she scoffed and met Zachs eyes. She looked at him so coldly he was almost afraid of her. I cant be bought, Zach. And even if I could Im out of your price range.
Nora he said, trying to apologize.
Lex opened the door with Wesley right behind him. Nora raced across the room and ran straight into Wesleys arms.
You okay, kid? She ran her hand over him as if checking him for injuries.
Im fine. The cops have him. Hes apparently a Bellevue resident off his meds.
He didnt hurt you, did he?
Nah, Wesley said. He went down hard, fast and easy.
Sounds like one of my characters, she said, wrapping her arms around Wesley.
Zach met Wesleys eyes from across the room. His voice had been glib with Nora, but Zach could see the sheer panic written across the boys face.
Come on. Were going home, Wesley said, letting Nora go.
Home? Thats ridiculous. All those people are out there. Weve got to finish the signing.
No, Nora. Wesleys voice was stern and intractable. For a moment Wesley seemed older than Nora. Weve got to give the cops a statement and then were going home. You can finish the signing when Lex gets some more security in here. Lex voiced his agreement with Wesley, and Nora promised shed reschedule as soon as possible.
That guy didnt hurt you, did he? Wesley asked as he opened the door for Nora.
Nora stopped and looked back at Zach. Zach stomachs flinched from the look of pure pain in Noras eyes.
No worries, Wes. Just sticks and stones. Its the words that hurt.
13
Zach returned to his flat after the book-signing but found himself unable to concentrate on work. All he could do was replay Noras words in his head. I cant be bought, Zach It didnt take long to realize how unconscionably hed acted. A fan had attacked Nora, and he had blamed the victim.
He checked the timestill only five oclock. He couldnt spend the rest of the day agonizing over Nora. Racing from his building he made only one stop on the way to the train station. He stood on Noras porch trying to collect his words. He wanted to have them just right so when he said he was sorry she would know he meant it. But he knew something would change between them if he crossed her threshold for any other reason but her book. Zach took a step toward the door but it opened before he could knock. Wesley was standing there with a sardonic half smile on his face.
Nora told me to let you in. She said you were starting to look a little cold.
May I see her please?
Wesley took a step back and let Zach enter.
In her office, Wesley said. Shes writing.
Zach followed Wesley to the office and remembered how very different things were just three weeks ago. Hed come here determined to be rid of Nora and her book. Now here he was ready to beg for another chance to make their partnership work.
Before they reached the door to Noras office, Wesley stopped and turned to him.
You know, your opinion means more to her than anything, Wesley said. I came home today after the signing and came pretty close to throwing up. She just went into her office and got back to work.
Zach nodded, humbled by this nineteen-year-old child.
Ive come to apologize if shell let me.
Shell let you. Maybe she shouldnt, but shell let you.
Wesley knocked on Noras office door and entered without waiting for her response.
Nor? Got a minute? Wesley asked. Nora was at her desk in black silk mens style pajamas. Her hair was piled high on her head and held up with two ballpoint pens serving as chopsticks. She was typing away furiously, not even stopping to look at them.
What are you still doing here, Wes? I thought you had something at church tonight.
Yeah, Im supposed to help chaperone the middle school retreat this weekend, Wesley said, walking around the desk to stand behind her chair. But Im not going to leave you alone after today
Yes, you are. You just go and keep those kids from making out in the coat closet. Sexual repression must begin as early as possible. Go, Wes. You deserve a night off from my dramas.
Are you sure? Wesley put his hands on Noras shoulders and tilted her chair back toward him. She leaned her head against his stomach and looked up at him.
Yes. Go. Have fun. Youve earned it.
If you let me go, Im going to eat pizza, he warned her and smiled down at her.
One slice, she said, raising her arm and waving her index finger in his face. One.
What if its thin crust? Thats low carb.
Hmm Nora held up a second finger. Two. But no more than two.
Yes, maam. Ill be home tomorrow morning. Zach? Zach turned to face Wesley who was looking at him with determination. Youll keep an eye on Nora tonight, right?
Wes, Im fine, Nora said. You were in the hospital last week. I have survived much scarier shit than what happened today.
Yeah, well, I havent, Wes said. He touched Noras shoulder and she laid her head briefly against his hand. Wesleys touch and Noras response was light and chaste, but Zach felt hed witnessed something very private between them. Ill see you later.
Be safe, she said. It may snow again tonight.
Wesley left them alone and Nora returned to her typing. Zach didnt wait for an invitation that was likely not forthcoming. He sat in the armchair across from her desk and watched her. He heard the house door open and close and Wesleys car start and back out of the driveway.
Nora, will you please look at me?
I cant. Im working. Ive only got three weeks to get the last three hundred pages out of the gutter.
The rewrite is in fantastic shape. I think youve earned a night off, too, Zach said.
Nora stopped typing. She swiveled in her chair to face him. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.
Can I tell you something? she asked.
Anything, of course.
My books, she began, and Zach saw the bright shadow of a tear forming in her eyes turning them from black to green, are the only thing I do that isnt selling myself. No, its not even something I doits what I am. And no one can buy that part of me. Not you, not Royal, not some psychotic asshole who thinks my books are letters written straight to him.
Im sorry, Nora. I didnt mean to blame you for that madmans behavior today. I havent been scared like that in a long time. I just took my fear out on you since Wesley beat me to the person who actually deserved it.
Nora stared past him and seemed to watch something only she could see. Whatever it was, it brought a faint, sad smile to her face.
You know I didnt start writing books until after I left S?ren. I could barely get out of bed that first month. I thought I was losing my mind. Some days I thought I was dying. I started creating worlds in my head, other people, other lives. I slipped out of my skin and into theirs, and while I was there I wasnt grieving anymore. I was feeling what they were feeling. Writing resurrected me, Zach. Trust me, I know what it feels like to sell yourself. Writing my books is the opposite of selling myself. Do you believe that?
Zach swallowed.
Yes, I believe that. He met her eyes.
Okay, she said. Were okay. I could have told you all this over the phone, you know.
I know. But you pegged me as a Scouser the day we met. So I thought Id say Im sorry the way a Scouser does.
And how is that?
Zach reached inside his trench coat and brought out a brown paper bag. From it he pulled a bottle of Irish whiskey and set it in front of her on her desk.
Interesting, she said eyeing the bottle.
What is?
Nora opened the bottom drawer of her desk and brought out two shot glasses and placed them next to the bottle.
How much Catholics and Scousers have in common.
Zach stared at her across her desk and suddenly found himself doing something he hadnt done in a very long timehe laughed loudly and freely and it felt so foreign and wonderful that if hed been braver, he might have kissed Nora right then and there.
Standing, Zach reached for the bottle. But Nora beat him to it. She held it in her hand and gave him the most dangerous smile hed ever seen.
Zachlets play a game.
It took five minutes before Zach regretted coming to Noras.
Truth or drink? Zach asked as he shed his coat. You will recall Im in my forties.
Theres no age limit on alcohol-induced stupidity, Nora countered. And this is an easy game. I ask a question and either you answer it or you take a shot. Same rules for me. Whoever gets the drunkest loses, or wins, depending on your mood.
This game is hardly fair. You are far more forthcoming than any other person Ive ever met. Zach tossed his coat over the back of Noras armchair.
Nora leaned forward across her desk.
Trust me, Easton. Youve got secrets you want to keep. Ive got secrets I have to keep. I think were pretty evenly matched here.
Is that so? he asked, his curiosity piqued. Lets find out then.
Game on, Nora said. You go first.
Zach knew his first question immediately. Ill ask you the question you didnt answer todaywho is, excuse me, was Ellie?
Ellie was me once upon a time. My mother and friends always called me Elle or Ellie. S?ren, being rather formal, calls me Eleanor. I was born Eleanor Schreiber.
A German Catholic then. This poor Jew is even more intimidated. So Nora Sutherlin is your pen name?
Its the name I work under, yes, she said, and Zach thought he saw a shadow of one of her secrets cross her face. But thats two questions. My turnwhy did your wife leave you? Or was it you who left her?
Zach leaned forward, poured his whiskey and took a shot. He swallowed a cough as the liquor burned his throat and stomach all the way down. He hadnt done any hard drinking in a long time. He was afraid if he started he would never stop. Here with Nora he still felt as if he was at a funeral but now at least it was a jazz funeral.
Fair enough, Nora said. Your turn.
On the subject of our respective exes, why did you leave your mysterious and formal S?ren?
Nora seemed to think about it. She reached forward, poured her shot and downed it.
S?rens off-limits, she said. More for his sake than mine. My turn to askare you going to sign my contract?
Honest answer, I dont know. Zach worried Nora would be hurt by his reticence. Its going well, better than Id hoped. But theres still a great deal of work to do on it. And I never know if I like a book until Ive read the last page. The ending makes or breaks every book. I hope that doesnt upset you.
Water off a drunks back. Nora raised her shot glass to him in a salute. Your turn.
Why is S?ren such a secret?
Nora smirked at him and downed her whiskey without the hint of a cough or discomfort.
Youre trying to get me drunk. I appreciate that. I will tell you thisI highly doubt S?ren is a secret for the same reason your wife, ex-wife, whatever, is.
Who is also off-limits.
Lets forget wives then. How about lovers? Ever had a threesome?
Theres no warm-up here, is it? Its just straight for the jugular.
Im known for my directness, gorgeous. Answer or drink.
The answer, Zach said, is that Im going to drink.
Nora hooted with laughter.
Ill take that as a yes then, she said as Zach swallowed hard and set his shot glass down with an emphatic clink.
It is a yes, but I wanted the whiskey anyway.
My kind of guy. Who, what, where, when, and can you draw me a picture?
Zach leaned back in the armchair and felt the heat from the drink and the memory quickly rushing to his head.
I will admit I barely remember the evening. It was when I was at university, as a student not a professor, and I was at a birthday party. I believe there was some Irish whiskey involved in that night, as well. I was seeing a young lady, and her rather liberated flatmate decided to join us in bed after the party. Lovely girls, both of them. Ones married to an M.P. now.
Im jealous, she said. She left her chair and crawled up onto her desk and sat on top of it cross-legged. Ive never had a threesome with two other women. All of mine have been with one man and one woman. Or two men. She looked down at him and winked.
Cant believe theres anything you havent done. Is there anything else?
One or two things. Keep asking, you might find out what they are.
Zach knew she expected a question about her sex life. He decided to try a different approach.
Apart from the occasional heroic rescue you dont really seem to need the services of a live-in personal assistant. Why did you ask Wesley to move in?
Nora blinked and reached for her shot. Her hand pulled back and she met Zachs eyes.
Wesley That kid blew my mind from day one. He was so damn sweet. Im not around sweet people very often. When I had him in class I found myself doing something I hadnt done in a long time.
What was that?
Smiling. Id been working so much, living a pretty hard life. Wes was the opposite of me in so many wayssoft where I was hard. Probably hard where Im soft, too. She laughed again. He made me feel human againlike the kind of person who could stay up too late watching stupid movies and talking. Id forgotten how to be normal, or maybe I never knew how. My life got weird at a pretty young age and its been weird ever since. But Wes came along and suddenly I had another reason to get out of bed in the morning besides money.
Are you in love with him? Zach asked.
Thats two questions, Nora said, wagging a finger at him. She downed her shot. That wasnt me admitting to being in love with the kid. That was me being driven to drink yet again by that twerp.
Frustrating roommate, I imagine.
Very. No one that sexy should be that off-limits. I could say the same about you.
Im your editor, Nora. I dont think we should be involved, Zach said, squirming a little in his seat. J.P. would kill us both.
Youre not scared of J.P. and we both know it. Its me youre scared ofwhy?
Zach gave the question some thought. The three shots had gone quickly to his head on his empty stomach. He felt light-headed and warm. He knew Nora deserved an answer no matter how badly he didnt want to tell her.
He picked up his shot glass.
Again, Ill answer. But not without some liquid fortification, he said and took his drink. He bent over for a moment and breathed. He looked up and saw Nora looking down at him, waiting patiently. Youre beautiful enough and wild enough that you make me think things I never thought I would think again and feel things I didnt think Id ever feel again. And you make me afraid Ill start forgetting things I dont ever want to forget. Youre dangerous.
She nodded her head and didnt look flattered.
Youre not the first man whos called me that. When I was sixteen, S?ren told me that there were suicide bombers on the Gaza Strip who were less dangerous than I was. At that age, I took it as a compliment.
Were you engaged in domestic terrorism at the time?
No, I told him I knew he was in love with me. That was his response.
You were sixteen. How old was he?
Thirty.
I thought S?ren was off-limits for discussion.
He was. But Im getting drunk fast and have very little self-control under the best of circumstances. You could get S?ren ten times as shit-faced as were getting and hed still have the self-control of a desert father.
He must not be that disciplined if he made love to you at such a young age.
Young age? That bastard made me wait until I was twenty years old, Zach. You are sitting in the office of probably the most famous erotica writer since Ana?s Nin and shes telling you that she didnt lose her virginity until she was twenty, Nora said and shook her head.
Im aghast. Why so long?
If he just wanted sex he would have taken me on day one, I have no doubt. But with D/s couples, the sex is the least of it. He wanted obedience, total submission. Keeping me a virgin waiting for him for so long proved he owned me even more than fucking me would have. He was also preparing me for everything he had planned. S&M is not for children or the faint of heart. He had to wait to make sure I was neither. My question nowhow old were you?
Zach stared at her. She reached out and he handed her his shot glass. She refilled it and handed it back.
Younger than twenty, he said and raised his glass to drink.
Nora cleared her throat and waved her hand in a give it up gesture. Zach put his glass down.
Oh, very well, I was thirteen, Zach said and had a sudden memory of running off into the trees behind his school with his best mates pretty older sister and coming out ten minutes later with a smile on his face.
Holy shit, Nora said, laughing. Good thing Wes is watching those middle school kids tonight.
She was only fourteen and while it was a rather awkward and quick affair, it was hardly traumatizing or particularly scandalous.
My first time was orchestrated and took all night, and I could barely move for a week after. I guess since I put S?ren back up for discussion, we can talk about your wife.
Not drunk enough for that.
Well, keep drinking and at least tell me why its so hard for you to talk about her.
While theyd been talking, the sun had set. Zach sipped at his whiskey while Nora flipped on her desk lamp. Warm light suffused the dark room and cast amber shadows everywhere he looked. Turning his head, Zach saw his reflection in the window. But he didnt see himself. He saw the door behind him and the door opened and in the doorway stood Grace who should have been anywhere in the world but standing in his doorway
Talking about how it ended, why it endedit feels too much like it ended. And I dont know if Im ready for that, Nora. Im sorry.
I understand not wanting something to be over. Can you at least tell me how it began?
Zach tapped his knee with his half-empty shot glass.
It began very badly. I would say we were doomed from the start.
Nora slid off her desk and sank to the floor in front of him. He thought it looked like an excellent idea. He joined her on the floor and leaned back against the chair.
He watched Nora take down the whiskey bottle and pour another shot.
That year after I left S?ren, I became obsessed with one questionwhen was it, when were we, irrevocable? When did all the little tumblers fall into place and our fate was locked in and it became impossible for us to be anything other than what we became? When was the guilty moment?
Did you find your answer?
Nora shook her head. Never. I suppose doom and destiny are just two sides of the same coin.
I dont have to ask or wonder. I know my guilty moment. But you left your lover and mine left me. You could go back to yours, couldnt you?
Zach, S?ren isnt some boyfriend you have a fight with and then kiss and make up. Hes the invading army you surrender to before it burns your village down.
He sounds even more dangerous than you are.
He is. By far. Hes also the best man Ive ever known. Tell me about Grace. Whats she like?
Zach paused before answering. How could he describe his wife to anyone? To him Grace was the open arms he fell into when he crawled into bed at 2:00 a.m. after staying up reading a new manuscript. She was the laughing water thief in the shower at least one morning a week. She was the quiet comfort and the hand hed been unable to let go of at his mothers funeral three years ago. Unable to get the words past his throat, Grace had taken his notes from his hand and read his eulogy for him. She was every evening and every morning and every night, and during the day when they were apart he was always happy knowing evening and night and morning were coming again.
Grace iswell-named. Shes intelligent, far smarter than I. A poet and a schoolteacher, Zach said as the alcohol swirled around his head. She has red hair and the most perfect freckles Ive ever seen on a woman. Zach closed his eyes. The first time hed seen her completely naked when theyd made love in his bed the first time, hed almost stopped breathing. Even on her back all the way to her hipsthe most perfect dusting of freckles.
Freckles? Thats just ruthless, isnt it?
Merciless. No woman that beautiful should also have freckles. Zach laughed mirthlessly. She would lie across my lap in the evenings and read her obscure Welsh poets while I worked on a manuscript. Once she fell asleep on my lap. I used my red pen to connect all the freckles on her lower back. She was livid. We laughed for days about it.
You had a good marriage. What happened?
Zach stared at Nora. She sat two feet away from him but it seemed an ocean of truth and lies and memories lay between them. He held out his shot glass. She refilled it with a shaky hand. Zach drank the whiskey and enjoyed the burn all the way down.
This is a terrible game. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the chair.
I know a better one.
Something in Noras voice sobered him up momentarily. He opened his eyes and Nora now sat even closer to him. She had something behind her back.
Zach reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. He raised his hand to her hair, pulled the ink pens out and watched the dark curls fall around her face.
How long has it been? Nora asked, her voice soft and insinuating.
Thirteen months. He didnt have to ask what Nora meant by her question. He didnt have to think before he answered it.
How longs it been for Grace?
Zach took a hard breath.
Less than thirteen months. Fridayshe emailed me. Bill questions, addresses, all sorts of marital flotsam. She casually mentioned some bloke named Ian.
Nora winced.
How casually?
Not casually enough for me to not picture them in bed together. Its my own fault. When we decided there was a chance our marriage was going to workwe made each other promise no secrets and no lies. I told her I could get over anything, even straying, as long as she didnt lie to me about it. I hate lying more than anything. Zach shook his head. Here we are eight months separated and she still cant lie to me about anything, damn that girl.
Zach looked at Nora and saw something flash across her eyes, some secret worry of her own.
Im sorry, Nora said and Zach could tell she meant it. Zach ran a single finger over Noras forehead and down her face. With his thumb he caressed her full bottom lip.
Thank you. So whats the new game? This ones about to drive me to quit drinking.
Perish the thought. Ever played Ive never?
Ive never played Ive never. Zach knew he was as drunk now as hed been in a long time.
Fun game. Very easy. I say something Ive never done, and if youve actually done it then you take a shot.
What havent you done?
A few things. For example, Ive never She leaned in toward him. She moved close enough he could smell her perfume and even taste it on his burning tongue, close enough to feel the heat radiating from her body. Ive never let an erotica writer handcuff me to her desk and go down on me.
Something caught in Zachs throat. He looked into Noras eyes and felt the foundations of his resolve shudder. Hed never let a woman handcuff him and do anything to him. But tonighthe looked down at his shot glass.
Never done that. Never will.
You sure about that? Nora stared him down. He reached out to touch her knee, and she slapped the handcuffs on his right wrist. Look familiar? I thought we should put your pranksters gift to good use at least once.
Youre out of your mind.
And youre so turned on right now you can hardly breathe. Your pupils are dilated, your skin is flushed, and its not from the whiskey and we both know it.
Zach met her eyes and said nothing.
Thirteen months, Zach. You dont need to be afraid of me anymore.
He had a vague memory of standing on Noras porch thinking that if he crossed her threshold tonight for any reason other than her book everything would change between them. Zach took the shot glass in his hand. He looked down at the amber liquid and then back into Noras eyes. Raising the glass to his lips, he downed his shot. He watched a grin spread ear to ear across Noras face. For a single moment she was all smiles.
Good boy.
For someone he thought was as drunk as he, Nora moved with a swiftness and precision that almost terrified him. She pushed him on his back, yanked his arms over his head and cuffed his wrists around the leg of her desk. Straddling him at the stomach, Nora unbuttoned her black silk pajama top and let it slide off her arms. He felt the wisp of silk brush his face before she threw it aside and on top of his coat. Under her shirt she wore a black bra that revealed far more than it concealed. He couldnt take his eyes off her curves, off her pale skin and shoulders.
Nora slid her hands under his T-shirt. Her hands on his bare skin sent every nerve firing. She bent over and kissed the center of his stomach. Unzipping his jeans, she worked them down low enough to expose the top of his hips. Zach inhaled sharply when she bit his hip bone.
Nora
Nora rose up and covered his lips with one finger.
S?ren used to call me his Siren, she whispered, bending over him until she hovered an inch away from his face. He said the things I did with my mouth could blow any man off course. Dont you want to know what he meant by that?
Zach didnt answer but Nora didnt seem to care. She started at his neck and kissed her way down his body. A soft sigh escaped his lips as she took him in her mouth. Not even all that alcohol could blunt the pleasure of what her tongue, her lips did to him. Her hair covered her face like a veil. The tendrils of her curls tickled his stomach.
So longit had been so long since hed felt something so intense, so sharp that he could almost mistake the pleasure for pain. Zach ached to touch Nora but when he tried he remembered the handcuffs.
Relax, Zach. Just enjoy. Nora paused to kiss his stomach again. Your only job right now is to surrender.
Surrender? Hed forgotten how. He took a deep breath and laid his head back as she kept working on him. Pressure built deep in his hips.
Nora, he gasped a warning that she didnt heed. He flinched hard and came with a ragged breath. Through the haze of alcohol and orgasm he saw Nora sit up on his thighs. She picked up the whiskey, poured it and downed him and the shot in one swallow.
She looked down at him.
I love a whiskey chaser.
* * *
Zach opened his eyes and immediately regretted the decision. He closed them again when he realized he wasnt in his flat. He was still at Noras.
With grave reservations, Zach dragged himself to a sitting position. The movement jarred his already ringing skull and had the unfortunate side effect of jarring his memory into recalling last nights events. Nora and he had No, almost. Zach leaned back and rested his aching eyes. Shame flooded his system when he remembered how hed succumbed to her and let her God, he let his writer go down on him.
Zach opened his eyes again and looked around. He sat fully dressed and on Noras living-room sofa, not in her bedroom. Where she was he had no idea. He stood and wandered to her office but she was nowhere to be seen. He picked up her phone and called for a taxi to take him to the train station. He hung up and found the downstairs bathroom. On the mirror Nora had taped a noteMorning, Sunshine, it read. Catholics-1, Scousers-0. Zach ripped the note off the mirror and tossed it in the wastebasket. He noticed shed left a toothbrush out for him and a bottle of aspirin. He made quick use of both. When he opened the medicine cabinet door to return the aspirin to the shelf, his eyes caught Noras name on a pill bottle. He knew he was being shamefully nosy but he couldnt stop himself from squinting his aching eyes to read the label. Why on earth, Zach wondered, would Nora take a beta-blocker, the same drug his father had to take for his heart trouble? Zach couldnt believe someone who seemed as alive and vibrant as Nora could have such a serious health problem. With a shaking hand, Zach returned the bottle to the cabinet and shut the door.
Stumbling from the bathroom, Zach heard a noise coming from the direction of the kitchen. Every part of him wanted to grab his coat and leave before anyone noticed hed awoken. But he knew hed have to face the morning-after awkwardness sooner or later. And after finding that terrifying pill bottle, he had to see Nora and make sure she was well.
He found Nora and Wesley bustling about the kitchen attempting to cook breakfast in a manner that appeared more combative than collaborative.
Jesus H. Christ, Wesley, Nora said with feigned anger. Cheese omelets have to have cheese or theyre just flat scrambled eggs.
Woman, Wisconsin is out of cheese now because of your omelet. Wesley smacked her hand as she tried to put more cheese on the eggs. Set the table and stop being a backseat chef.
Nora took plates out of the cabinet and Zach winced at the clattering sound of the ceramic dishes knocking against each other.
Could we possibly use paper plates? he asked as he stepped into the kitchen. Theyre quieter.
Nora turned and smiled at him. He saw nothing in the smile but friendliness and concern. Had he imagined what happened between them last night?
Morning, Zach. How are you feeling? she asked.
Coffee, he said. Please.
Coffee. I know that feeling well. Nora poured him a cup of black coffee, which he took with gratitude. Were having breakfast for lunch. You should join us.
You okay, Zach? Wesley asked. He stood with his back to the stove with a frying pan and a spatula in his hand. You look like youve been rode hard and put up wet.
Nora snorted a laugh.
What? Wesley asked.
Its a horse thing.
Of course it is. She flashed a wicked grin at Zach as soon as Wesley turned his back. Dammit, he hadnt imagined last night at all.
Im fine, Zach said, answering Wesleys question. Hungover and disgusted Nora isnt.
She was puking her guts out when I got home at eight this morning, Wesley said, and Nora threw a napkin at him. Wesley batted it away with his spatula. I think you both need a sermon on the wages of sin.
No sermons, please. Just greasy food, Nora begged.
Can you stomach an omelet, Zach? Wesley asked.
Zach forced his eyes to focus on Wesley. He had a dish towel thrown over his shoulder as he stirred his eggs with expertise.
Im not sure I can eat anythingfor the next week. The coffee is fine, thank you.
What were you two doing last night? Trying to be Hemingway or Faulkner? Wesley asked.
I was going more for Oscar Wilde, Nora said. Zach looked up at her and she winked. He wasIrish.
Wesley didnt seem to pick up her double meaning. He merely slid the omelet onto Noras plate and sat down to his own.
Whatever we were doing was clearly a bad idea and will not happen again, Zach said.
The smile fell out of Noras eyes. She started toying with her omelet.
Wesley took a healthy bite of his breakfast.
I can make toast or
A blaring ring that seemed to originate from the top of the refrigerator interrupted Wesleys question.
Good God, what is that? The sound bored a hole into Zachs head.
Nora and Wesley exchanged a look. Nora stood and grabbed a red cell phone off the top of her refrigerator and silenced the ringer. Before she answered she checked the number.
Shit. Its not King. She looked at Wesley with something like fear in her face, more fear than shed shown yesterday at the book-signing. Zach saw the same fear mirrored in Wesleys eyes.
Is it Wesley asked, and Nora nodded.
She took a quick, deep breath.
Yes, sir? she said, finally answering the phone.
Wesley stood up slowly and started to walk to the door.
Wes? Nora said and Zach heard a quaver in her voice.
What? Wesley turned around to face her.
Its S?ren.
Yeah, I know.
Nora looked ghost-pale.
I mean, its S?ren for you. He wants to talk to you.
Wesleys eyes widened in shock. Why?
I dont know. Just talk to him, please.
Wesley took the phone from her with obvious reluctance.
Hello, Wesley said and Zach winced with sympathy at the pain in the boys voice.
Nora stood with her arms crossed and leaned back against the counter. Wesley listened a moment and walked out of the kitchen, out of earshot.
What on earth is that about? Zach asked.
I dont know. Nora seemed genuinely concerned.
S?ren and Wesley chat often?
No, theyve never met, never spoken. Wes hates S?ren. Nora sat down at the table again. After what seemed like an eternity but what was probably only a minute or two, Wesley returned to the kitchen. He handed the red phone back to Nora.
What did he want, Wes? Nora asked.
Zach studied Wesleys face. The boy looked flushed and fearful.
He thanked me.
Thanked you for what? she asked.
For pulling that guy off you yesterday. He said that as he was no longer in a position to protect you, he was grateful you had someone who was seeing to your safety.
Nora laughed a little.
That sounds like him. What did you say?
I said youre welcome. I didnt know what else to say. Nora, how did he even know about what happened?
If it involves me, he knows.
Why did he call me?
Because hes S?ren, she said. And he was grateful to you. That simple.
I didnt pull that guy away from you for him, Nora. I did it for you.
I know you did. But S?ren
He still thinks he owns you, doesnt he?
He still loves me.
Wesley turned away from Nora. He picked up his plate and dumped his uneaten omelet in the trash bin. He looked back at Nora on his way out of the kitchen.
I thought he was in your past, Wesley said, and Zach saw the twin demons of sorrow and jealously in Wesleys expression.
I cant help it if he doesnt want to stay there, Nora said.
Wesley left, and Nora started playing with her food again. She didnt take a single bite.
Nora, are you all right?
Nora stood up and let her breakfast join Wesleys in the trash.
Come on, Zach. Ill take you home. Nora held out her hand.
Zach looked at her hand but didnt take it.
Ive called a cab.
14
William pushed her onto her back and forced her arms over her head. Hed done this so many times he didnt even have to think about how much strength to exert to keep her down with one arm while his free hand bound her wrists to the bedpost. He pulled the knot taut but not tight enough that it would cut off the circulation to her hands. He would hurt her and hurt her but he would cut off his own arm before he harmed her. Looking down, he saw her face turn to the window. Sunlight poured in and turned her eyes and her pale hair white as the feathers of a dove. A soft gasp across her lips as he pushed slowly into her. Her head tilted back and a sob escaped her throat.
He pulled out of her and she dragged her knees to her chest and rolled onto her side, her arms still pinned over her head.
I dont know, she answered the question he hadnt been able to ask. Im sorry, sir.
Talk to me, Caroline. What is it?
I dont know, she said again. She took a deep breath and then another. She slowly rolled onto her back again. We dont have to stop.
He leaned forward and untied her wrists and gathered her into his arms. The gesture seemed to release whatever was tied up inside her. Sobbing, she collapsed against his chest.
Pulling her as close to him as he could without crushing her, he said the three words that most terrified him.
Maybe we do
Nora stopped typing and stretched her hands and wrists. She was tempted to delete everything shed just written. It felt like melodrama to her. But then again most relationships falling apart often genuinely degenerated into melodrama. There was no dignity in grief, a truth she knew all too well. After leaving S?ren shed turned into a ghost for almost a year. It wasnt until she grew bored and disgusted with her own sorrow, the days spent half-sick on dirty sheets, that she picked up a pen and started jotting down sentencessentences that turned into paragraphs that turned into pages and pages of demons she exorcised out of her own soul. Still she hadnt been able to get her life back together. It wasnt until her mother had laid down the final ultimatumget up or get out. For once Nora listened to her mother. Shed done both. Shed humbled herself at the feet of Kingsley Edge, the King of the Underground and S?rens oldest friend. Shed do anything, she told him, just so she could afford her own place to write and grieve in peace.
Anything, chrie? hed asked her. Anything at all?
Just a job, King. Ill cocktail waitress at the club, Ill mop floorsI dont care.
Hed laughed and stared her down. Her years with S?ren had taught her to never meet a Dominants eyes unless ordered. But that day she had. She looked at him and knew that in her eyes shone all the hurt and desperation that a year of hell had hammered into her like armor.
Non, hed said, taking her chin in his hands. Hed smiled then, and she knew she was in the biggest trouble of her life. Not a waitress, not a maid. No more serving for you. I have a much better idea .
Nor?
Nora turned her head and saw Wesley standing in the doorway to her office.
Hey, kiddo. Sorry, I was in another world. Whats up?
Nothing. Hows the book coming?
Okay, I guess.
Did Zach like the new chapters you sent him?
I dont know. I havent talked to him in a couple of days.
Wesley came into her office and sat down in her armchair. He studied her, and she hated the intelligence behind those brown eyes. She should have hired a stupid intern.
Saturday nightsomething happened between you two, didnt it?
We didnt fuck, if thats what youre worried about.
Im worried about you.
You worry too much. Im fine. The books coming along fine.
He stood up and looked at her. She met his eyes and smiled. She never had to lie to him as long as she could still smile. Poor kid bought it every time.
All right, Im going to Joshs. Ill see you later.
Study hard. Learn all those quadratics and isotopes and such.
You really were an English major, werent you?
And an English minor, she reminded him as she shooed him out of the office. Standing up, she paced the floor, grateful for her solitude. She looked at her office phone. It hadnt rung all day, or yesterday, or the day before. Zach hadnt spoken to her since Sunday when hed given her an awkward goodbye and climbed into a cab. She kept emailing him her pages. Hed send them back with comments and suggestions but no personal notes, no encouragements, no insults, nothing. She handed fistfuls of her heart while he circled her comma splices.
Nora turned away from her black office phone and found her red cell phone. She hit the number eight, the only number she had programmed into her speed dial.
Oh l? l?, Kingsley said in his usual seductive drawl, clearly reports of your demise have been greatly exaggerated. Or am I talking to a ghost?
Youre talking to Mistress fucking Nora and Im bored and pissed off.
Your usual sunny self then. How can I assist you?
Whos on my waiting list?
Tout le monde, ma?tresse. Absolutely everyone.
Pick somebody and set it up.
Mais bien s?r, ma chrie. Ill call you back in five.
In less than five minutes King called back with a name, a place and a timeone hour from now.
Nora ran to her bedroom and threw open her closet. She pulled out her clients favorite costumeher tailored white Marlene Dietrich suit. She adjusted the pale blue suspenders, threw on the jacket and stood in front of the mirror tying her tie.
Nor?
Shit. Nora turned around to find Wesley in her bedroom looking pale and cold. Thought you had study group.
I ran off without my notes, he said with a tremor in his voice. I came back for them. Nora
Save it. I need a night off.
She grabbed her matching white fedora but didnt put it on. Finding her coat and her keys, she headed for the front door.
Nora, you said everything was fine.
It is fine, Nora said at the door.
Please, please be safe. His voice caught in his throat.
Dont worry, kid. Shes five-two and a hundred pounds. I can take her. And I will. She rolled the hat up her arm and set it on her head. Dont wait up.
Nora made good time to the club and parked in her usual spot. She checked her coat and took the secret entrance in the coat closet that led downstairs. At the last door on the left she paused and took a breath. She opened the door and couldnt suppress a smile at the sight that greeted her.
Sheridan Nora nearly purred the girls name as she entered her room at the club. Sheridan lay stretched out on Noras bed wearing nothing but a white lacy garter and a smile. Nora snapped her fingers and Sheridan came up on her knees at the edge of the bed.
In the beginning Kingsley had taught Nora the rules of being a paid Dominant. He was no pimp and never allowed his employees to have sex with clients on his time clock.
Rule number one, hed intoned in his erotic French accent. Do not kiss your clients. They may kiss youbut only on the toe of your boot.
Hello, Mistress.
Nora cupped Sheridans face in her hand and gave her a long, thorough kiss. Sheridan tasted of strawberries and Nora breathed into her lips. Kingsley and his rules were powerless against the petite blonde beauty of Sheridan Stratford, star of Empire City, the number one drama on television. Only twenty-three, Sheridan had been a client of Noras for two years now. Shed come running to Kingsley after four years of being unable to have an orgasm during vanilla sex. In her first session with Nora, Sheridan had climaxed five times.
Sheridan held on to Noras suspenders as Nora ran her hands from Sheridans shoulders down to her hips. Right now Sheridans skin was a pristine porcelain canvas waiting for Nora to mark it. But first
Nora pushed Sheridan down and onto her back. With her knees Nora wrenched Sheridans thighs apart. Out in the real world, Sheridan had earned the moniker Americas Sweetheart because of her innocent blue-eyed beauty and sweet smile. In nearly every role she played a virgin. Virgin? Sheridan hadnt been a virgin since age fourteen when her fathers best friend had turned her over his knee, spanked her and fucked her right on her councilman fathers big oak desk. Shed developed an appetite for extreme sex, intense BDSM, and couldnt orgasm unless submitting to a Dominant. Her fathers best friend had kept on his Armani business suit while deflowering Sheridan and now Sheridan had a delicious little fetish for mens clothing.
With one hand Nora held Sheridan down by her throat while her mouth tasted the tips of Sheridans small but perfectly formed breasts. Noras other hand slipped down Sheridans flat stomach and teased her already swollen clitoris.
You started without me. Nora met Sheridans eyes as she pushed two fingers into Sheridans wet body.
Am I in trouble, mistress?
Nora laughed, low and throaty.
Do you want to be in trouble, little miss?
Sheridan nodded humbly and smiled so sweetly it took everything Nora had in her not to kiss the smile right off her face.
Yes, mistress, she whispered and the smile remained.
Nora raised her hand and slapped it off instead.
Sheridan gasped as Nora grabbed her by the back of the neck; her fingers tangled in the girls blond hair, and she dragged her to the head of the bed. From under the bed, Nora pulled her famous red riding crop.
Hands here, Nora ordered and Sheridan came up on her knees and gripped the black metal headboard as instructed.
Nora found Sheridans clitoris again and kneaded it. In a few moments Sheridan started panting and pushing her hips into Noras hand.
Pick a number between one and five, Nora instructed, and Sheridan groaned. Poor little thing hated this game. Nora never revealed in advance what Sheridan was picking. One to five orgasms? One to five beatings?
Sheridans small hands twisted nervously on the black metal of the headboard.
Five, mistress? her worried voice replied.
Five then, little miss. Nora pulled her hand away from Sheridan. Five welts.
Sheridan released a moan of fear. A well-justified moan as Nora brought her crop down hard and swift between Sheridans shoulder blades. Another blow landed in the center of Sheridans back. Another on her lower back. Nora hit even harder on her bottom and hardest still on her thighs. With each strike, Sheridan cried out. It hurt. Of course it hurt. Sheridan didnt love it until it hurt.
Nora dropped the crop and ran her hand down Sheridans welted back. She, like S?ren, knew how to beat someone brutally without leaving marks. But Sheridan cherished her welts and bruises just as Nora once did. The public believed Sheridan didnt do nude scenes because of modesty. Modesty? The girl once let four men fuck her in one night while Nora watched and directed the action. No, the only reason Sheridan kept her clothes on in public was because of what Nora did to her in private.
Ill tell you a secret, Nora whispered as she traced a finger around a bright red slash on Sheridans back. Nora slid between Sheridan and the headboard. Once more she lightly sucked on Sheridans nipples. With both hands, Nora opened up Sheridans wet folds and looked up at the gasping girl. It wasnt just five welts you were choosing.
No, mistress?
Noyou also picked five fingers.
Sheridan shuddered as Nora pushed first two, then three fingers into her. Nora considered pausing for lube but Sheridan was so wet right now, lube would be a moot point. A fourth finger followed. Finally Nora turned her hand and pushed her thumb into Sheridan and Sheridan cried out in shocked pleasure.
Dont you dare, little miss, Nora warned.
Sheridans breaths came in short bursts as she forced herself not to orgasm. Nora never let her come on her ownonly on command.
Spreading her fingers, Nora pushed in deeper.
Now, Nora said as she lightly pinched Sheridans clitoris. The girl released a desperate gasp as her inner muscles spasmed wildly around Noras hand.
As Nora pulled out, Sheridan released a little whimper. It seemed such a crime to take Sheridans money for these sessions. Nora would pay good money herself just to hear that sound.
Im going to tell you another secret, little miss. Nora gathered a fistful of Sheridans hair again and pulled her off the bed. She shoved Sheridan forward so the girl stood with her legs a foot apart and her hands on the bed.
Yes, mistress?
Nora gathered supplies before coming to stand at the opposite side of the bed. She threw down a crop, a flogger, a cane, a paddle and a whipfive implements of torture. Then she lay down in a straight line five vibrators of increasingly larger sizes.
It wasnt just five fingers, either, Nora said as Sheridan started panting again in anticipation at the sight of all the pain ahead of her, all the pleasure.
Mistress Sheridan breathed. I only paid for an hour.
Nora laughed.
Rule number two, ma?tressegive them everything they paid for and not a minute more.
Nora came back to Sheridan and caressed the girls trembling back, kissed her shivering shoulder.
Shh Nora instructed as she ran a single finger down the side of Sheridans exquisite face. What Kingsley doesnt know wont hurt him.
Nora took off her jacket and tossed it aside. She reached for the cane and Sheridan whimpered.
That soundworth every minute, worth every penny.
Before this night ended, shed break Sheridan openbody and soul.
Some days Nora loved her job.
* * *
Several hours later Nora pulled up her suspenders and stuffed her tie in her pocket.
Sheridan still lay in bed, the sheet twisted around her hips leaving her petite back, scored with welts and bruises, bare to the eye.
You did very well tonight, little miss, Nora said. A pleasure as always. Until next time.
Nora? she said and Nora turned around. Sheridan sat up and pulled the covers primly up to her chest, an odd gesture considering the last three hours of sex and S&M theyd shared.
Whats up, Sher? Nora sat on the bed next to the pale, small beauty.
I dont know if therell be a next time. Im getting married.
Married? People still do that?
Sheridan laughed. God knows why, but yes.
Youve told him
She nodded. He sayshell try. Were working on it. He wont be as good as you, but then again who is?
Nora smiled in agreement.
Ill miss you, beautiful. Nora leaned forward and kissed the girl with a passion she rarely allowed herself to share with her clients. She pulled back and looked into Sheridans wide, tired eyes. But you do what you have to do. Are you sure you have to do it?
Sheridan shrugged and looked so small and sad that for a moment Nora hated the girls fianc with an anger she usually reserved only for her fights with S?ren.
Cant do this forever, can we? she asked. I mean, I have to have something in my life besides money and work and waiting for you to have a few hours for me. Youve got your books, Nora. I want to have something like that, something that matters more than anything. Can you understand that?
Nora nodded and didnt say anything. She just pressed her forehead to Sheridans and rested it there. She kissed her quick on the forehead and stood up.
Call me if he needs me to show him the ropes, little miss.
Nora headed to the door.
Ill miss you, too, mistress.
Nora turned around and doffed her hat like a matinee idol.
Be a good girl, Nora said and left before she changed her mind. Or else.
Sheridan stayed on her mind all the way home. Cant do this forever, can we?
Nora went into her office and turned on the desk lamp. She threw her hat onto the armchair, turned on her computer and opened the working draft of her book.
She thought about Zach, how hed told her in the beginning that he thought shed fail. She wondered if a part of him still thought that. Part of her certainly still thought that. But she wouldnt fail. Shed show Zach who she really was. Nora Sutherlin was a writer, a good writer. And once he finished the book and signed the contract then she could finally tell him she was a Dominatrixan ex-Dominatrix by then.
She leaned back into her chair and yawned. She reread the scene shed been working on earlier. Deciding she didnt like it, she erased it and started over.
15
Zach pulled Noras latest chapter off his office printer and picked up his red pen. Skimming the lines, he rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. He needed to talk to Nora about the last few chapters shed sent. They were going well, but he was afraid she was starting to lose her way again. She was obviously in love with her characters and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. But her musings slowed the story down. He had to give it up and face her again. It had been five days since that night. He still couldnt think of it without hating himself a little more each time he remembered how hed been unable to stop himself from touching her faceher skin was so soft and warmand how he wanted to see her hair down and looseso he pulled out the pens and let it falland her voice seemed to get inside him and stoke a fire he thought hed long ago extinguished.
He raised his head, picked up the phone and dialed. After two rings Wesley answered.
Shes not here, Zach. Want to leave a message?
Does she have her mobile on her? Do you know where she is?
Shes in your office, Zach.
Zach looked up and found Nora standing in his office doorway. She knocked twice on the open door and waited.
Never mind, Wesley. Shes here. Zach hung up. How are you, Nora?
We need to talk about the blow job.
Zach stood up and rushed around his desk. He pulled her inside the office and shut the door behind her.
The blow job scene in my book. She raised her voice as Zach sat at his desk again.
You will be the death of me. You realize that, dont you?
I have no idea what youre talking about. Im here to discuss my book with my editor. I still have an editor, dont I?
Of course. Ive been busy this week.
Busy ignoring me.
I have responded to everything youve sent me.
Yes, with notes and polite suggestions. I dont need polite suggestions. Polite doesnt help me. How do I know what Im doing right if you arent telling me what Im doing wrong? I need you to be angry again, not polite. I think I liked it better when you hated me.
I never hated you. Zach forced himself to meet her eyes. He took a deep breath and sat up straighter in his chair. I never hated you or the book. Its onlyabout Saturday night
Nora opened her mouth and he raised his hand.
About Saturday night, he began again. I need to apologize.
Nora looked at him in wide-eyed surprise. Zach
Please, let me finish. Im terribly sorry about what happened. I had too much to drink, and I was still reeling from Graces last email. Thats no excuse, I realize. I shouldnt have taken advantage of you in your condition. It was foolish and reckless and I
Zach, seriously. You have to stop, Nora said and laughed.
Zach stared at her. She shook her head.
You know why Im here? I came to apologize to you, she said.
Whatever for?
I thought I was here to apologize to you for taking advantage of you in your condition, but apparently Im the victim here. Novel sensation for me, being the victim. Not sure I like it.
Nora, Im your editor.
Yes, my gorgeous editor with his poshy British accent and his ice-colored eyes and tennis player arms with the veins running from the wrist to the elbow. Oh, no, please dont ever force me to go down on you again, Mr. Easton. Its a fate worse than death.
This isnt a bloody joke.
No, its not a joke. Its a blow job.
Will you please stop saying that?
Fine. I fellated you, sucked you off, gave you an Oscar Wilde. But call it what you will, Zach, I handcuffed you to my desk and blew you back to England. And for some reason you arent thrilled that happened. Its a bit of a, forgive me, blow to the ego, but Ill survive. What I want to know is why youre taking it so personally.
Zach sat back in his chair and counted the days until he was on a plane to California. If he were on a plane to California right now, a plane to anywhere, he wouldnt be having the most humiliating conversation of his life.
I take it personally because that night was the first night Id been intimate with any woman other than my wife in over ten years. That may seem rather bourgeois to you, but Im afraid Im terribly bourgeois when it comes to matters of infidelity
Shes moved on.
Zach ignored the comment.
Not to mention taking advantage of a woman I have some modicum of power over.
Power? You think you have power over me? You wouldnt know what to do with yourself if you had power over me. You are helping me make my book publishable. You work for me as much as I work for you.
I have the power to decide if your book gets published. I alone have the final say.
Nora stood up and walked around the desk. She sat on the top and crossed her legs. Her knees and thighs were at Zachs eye level. Zach refused to look at her legs, her sheer stockings and short red skirt and the boots that went up to her knees. He met her eyes and waited.
If I gagged you right now and put you flat on your back and fucked you seven ways till Sunday right here on this fine mahogany deskwould you sign my contract? she asked.
Absolutely not. And thats not going to happen. Zach forced back the flood of images her words conjured in his mind.
Nora slid off the desk and onto her knees next to his chair.
What if I just gave you my best Oscar Wilde again every day for the next three weeks? Would you sign my contract then?
Nora, you cant buy your contract with sexual favors. Zach reached down and pulled Nora up off the floor. I told you I wouldnt sign it until Id read the very last page and I meant it.
I know you meant it. Thats my point. I probably could buy off a lesser man with sex, a lesser editor. But you and I both know that even if wed had sex ten times Saturday night, you still wouldnt sign my contract until the book was perfect. You might think less of me, or yourself more likely, but youd read the book with the same eyes that see every flaw and the same mind that knows how to fix it. Youre just afraid to be mean to my face because you think Ill think it was about Saturday night. Be as mean to me as you want, Zach. Trust me. She leaned forward and met him eye to eye. I like mean.
Zach looked into her eyes and saw they burned black as night. In them writhed the shades and shadows of the things shed seen and done; things that he couldnt and didnt want to imagine.
Nodding, Zach glanced away.
Very well. Im sorry Ive disappointed you this week. He stood up. Youll have my snide, churlish, cantankerous and bitter best from now on, he pledged.
God, I love a man with a big vocabulary. Nora wrapped her arms around his neck. Despite how much he wanted to leave them there, Zach took her arms and pulled them off him.
But this cant happen, he said. Saturday night cant happen again.
It can, and will in a few days. Saturday night happens at least once a week.
No more jokes. You know what I mean.
And you know Im right. We could fuck all we wanted
Perhaps I dont want to.
Nora took a step back and Zach cursed himself for his inability to say what he meant without hurting her.
Zach, you had how many shots Saturday night, and I was still able to get you off with, lets be honest, minimal effort on my part? Dont pretend you arent attracted to me.
Attracted or not, we cant sleep together. And not just because of the book.
Nora moved closer. She seemed to be studying him.
You act like youre afraid of me, Zach. But youre not afraid of me at all, are you?
Im terrified of you.
No, youre not. I know guys like you. You worship women, put them on pedestals, think theyre fragile and perfect. Thats why even though it was you on your back in the handcuffs Saturday night, youre the one doing the apologizing. Zachyoure afraid of yourself.
Im not
You are. Ive never known a grown man to be so afraid of his own desires. What happened to you? What did you do thats made you so afraid to let go?
This meeting is over.
Tell me. Whatever it is, I promise Ive done worse.
Believe me, Nora, youve never done this.
It was Grace, wasnt it? What did you do to her?
Noras words pummeled into him but he couldnt tell her to stop. He knew whatever pain she inflicted he deserved.
Please, he whispered.
You know how to beg. Thats a good start.
No more games, either. Im not like you.
Were more alike than you want to admit.
Im not he paused and looked for the right word free like you.
You could be. She took another step closer. I can show you if youll let me. The world I live in, youve never seen such freedom. Freedom like you cant even begin to imagine. Try, Zach.
I cant. The sadness settled over him again.
Come with me, Nora said. Zach felt himself falling under the spell her words were weaving. Let me show you what life is like lived in the moment. No past, no future, just the one perfect moment youre standing in and theres no guilt and theres no shame and theres absolutely nothing to be afraid of
Zach closed his eyes and tried to imagine her world. But once his eyes closed he could see only darkness and he could smell only the copper of fresh fallen blood.
Im sorry.
Nora was still looking at him when he opened his eyes.
Fuck your sorry, she said with angry eyes and turned on her heel. Ive got a book to write.
16
Three weeks left
Why do you stay with me? William asked. With his fingertip, he traced the outline of a welt that ran shoulder to shoulder across her back.
Caroline turned over in bed to face him. Because of the Wives of Weinsburg, she said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.
Im afraid Im not familiar with the ladies of which you speak. William ran his hand over her hip and she shivered at the sensation. For all the pain he inflicted on her, he resolved every day to inflict equal pleasure.
They may only be a legend. I like to think they were real. Once the city of Weinsburg in Germany was under siege. The enemy emperor was dangerous but not unmerciful. When it became inevitable that the city would fall, the men of Weinsberg pleaded for their women, that they be allowed to flee with their lives. The emperor relented and allowed the women to leave the city with only the valuables they could carry on their backs. The day came and the gates of the city opened and the emperor watched in shock as the women stumbled through the gates nearly breaking under the weight of their husbands and fathers who they carried on their backs. Their love humbled the emperor and he declared all would be spared.
For these women who may or may not exist you stay with me? he asked, laughing at her as usual.
Caroline reached out to touch his face but pulled her hand back. Hed taught her so well not to touch him without permission. There were moments he regretted how well hed trained her.
Every day you battle an enemy I cannot fight with you or for you. But if there is ever a chance for a reprieve, then I will bear you across the world on my back to see you finally at peace.
William smiled at the twenty-year-old child who loved him more than he could or would ever deserve.
But what if the enemy you think I fight isnt the enemy at all? he asked, reaching out to take her face in his hand. He forced her to meet his gaze and for a moment he let his eyes fill with all his darkest desires. What if this enemy is only me?
Caroline didnt flinch at what she saw. He had taught her that, as well.
Then I will save you from yourself.
Poor Wesley, Zach thought. Did that poor smitten lad have any idea that he was the inspiration for Noras latest hopeless, love-struck heroine? Did Nora even know it herself? I will save you from yourselfhe could hear Wesley saying those very words to Nora. He hadnt learned yet you couldnt save someone who didnt want to be saved.
Zach wanted to be saved. He tried to conjure the image of Grace, six inches shorter than he and light as a sparrow, trying to lift and carry him on her back. Shed had the chance to save him once. That day he told her about the job at Royal House, that he would be moving to the States, she could have saved him with a sentenceIll go with you. She could have saved him with a wordDont.
Zach opened his email. Norayou cut half this chapter or Ill cut half this chapter. Either way half of it is getting cut.
He hit Send without remorse. Nora truly worked better when he was at his most brutally honest with her. He didnt have to couch a criticism inside a compliment. She didnt want compliments. She wanted her book to be better.
Zach closed his laptop. Stretching out on his sofa he stared around his flat. Grace would be horrified by its austerity. If she ever saw it she would tease him that minimalist was not a synonym for empty. But when hed come to New York he knew it was temporary. Hed have about eight months at the East Coast offices until the current chief editor in L.A. finished off the last of her projects and then he was off to yet another city. He saw no reason to have anything but the bare minimuma sofa, a bed, a television that he only ever tuned to the occasional Everton football match, and a landline phone sitting on the floor. Why even bother with an end table for the living room? Just one more damn thing to pack.
He picked up his lager and took a drink. Only seven oclock on a Monday evening and he already felt so exhausted he considered just calling it a night. Only his masculine pride kept him from going to bed at such a geriatric hour. Even his sixty-six-year-old widowed father never went to bed before eight.
Thoughts of his father stirred a fearful thoughtNoras pills in the medicine cabinet. He still couldnt believe that she was as ill as the bottle portended. Perhaps it was only a mild condition, an arrhythmia or something innocuous and treatable. He tried to talk himself out of his fear but couldnt quite rationalize it away.
Zach picked up a handful of Noras pages and skimmed the lines. Why do you stay with me? He had never spoken those words to Grace, though they echoed in his head almost every day of their marriage. Their marriage had begun in terror and shame and then in time changed into something he didnt want to live without. Zach knew why he stayed. But why had she?
Standing, Zach rubbed his neck and tried to think of something or someone else for a few minutes. But his only other thoughts were of Nora and that was an even more dangerous rabbit hole. Nora It had been over a week since their drunken night of idiocy. He remembered how her mouth felt on his skin, how foreign it felt to be touched by a womans hands again, how strange it was to be awake and conscious and thinking of something other than losing Grace, not thinking about anything at all except that whatever Nora was doing he would be content to let her keep doing until the day he died. Only afterward did the guilt set inthe guilt that for a few minutes he let himself stop feeling guilty.
Zach performed a quick mental calculation. Seven oclock in New York equaled midnight in London. He knew Grace would still be up. A night owl in the worst way, she took long naps after coming home from school and then stayed up far too late reading.
He picked up his phone and dialed. It rang once and no one answered. A second ring and still no answer. Zachs heart dropped with every unanswered ring. Between the seventh and the eighth ring Zach whispered, I miss you, Gracie, and hung up the phone. On the floor next to the phone Zach sat with his head in his hands. Midnight and she wasnt home. A school night and she wasnt
For a horrible second an image of her with another man tore through his mind. But he knew he couldnt be angry or jealous. After that night with Nora, hed lost all right to be hurt.
Norahe remembered what shed offered him when shed come to his office last Thursdaya chance to see the world she lived in, to see what it was like to live free of guilt or restraint. He envied Nora her freedom. He wondered if her mysterious former lover, S?ren, was the source of her vivacity. Nora said the first day they worked on her book together that S?ren had owned her. He couldnt even imagine what that meant, what such a relationship would be like. But perhaps only someone who had been a slave could truly appreciate the worth of freedom.
Let me show you what life is like lived in the moment. No past, no futureno guiltno shamenothing to be afraid of
No guilt, no shame, no fearhed forgotten what it felt like to live without his three most constant and cruel companions. Could Nora really do that for him? Even just a few minutes of freedom seemed worth any price he had to pay.
Zach looked down at the useless phone and his empty flat and made a quick decision. He stood up and grabbed his coat. He fled his building in one minute and hopped on the train in ten more. He wouldnt turn into his father, he told himself. Not tonight.
* * *
On their third morning together, she woke up in his bed and found it empty. Slowly, she sat up, careful of her bruised and aching body. Last night had been the roughest yet, and she smiled at the memory of the sensual crimes he committed against her flesh. Hed spent two years mentally preparing her for what he would demand of her once they finally consummated their relationship. Although shed known what was coming, had even watched him with others, she hadnt truly known how much it would hurt until the first blows landed on her virgin back their first night together as lovers. Waking up the next morning with welts on her body and blood on her thighs and his sheets, her first thought was not of regret or fear, but that it had all been worth itthe wait, the pain, the sacrifice that now felt like no sacrifice at all. She belonged to him and always would. Hed said those words to her but now she felt them singing in her skin. The collar hed locked around her neck now encircled her heart. She raised a hand to her neck and found it bare. Hed taken off her collar in her sleep. Knowing he did not expect total submission from her right now, she rose from the bed and followed the sound of running water to the bathroom. She found him in the shower and without asking permission joined him under the steaming water. He was not angry. She knew he wouldnt be. Everyone she knew was intimidated by himby his intelligence, by his imposing height and strength, by his ethereal beautybut she knew him as a man of flesh and earthy desire who loved her beyond comprehension. She knew his kindness, his generosity, and although he could make the surface of her body ripple with fear when as he locked her in her bonds at night, underneath that fear moved deep ocean currents of trust. For five years hed been teaching her how to trust him. And as he bent his head to kiss her, she laughed into his mouth, proud of how well shed learned the lesson.
His hands, as gentle this morning as theyd been brutal last night, explored every corner of her body. She ran her fingers through his hair and slicked it back. When he moved his mouth to her neck and drank the water from the hollow of her throat, she taunted, No toys, no chainshow are you going to dominate me now?
It happened so fast that she didnt even have time to gasp. She was pinned with her stomach flat against the shower wall. At first she wasnt scared.
Like this, he whispered in her ear. This is how. And he pushed into the one part of her body he hadnt yet penetrated. The pain was beyond anything hed ever inflicted on her. She screamed in the back of her throat, screamed broken formless words, words ripped in half as she was. She knew there was a way to stop it, but in her panic and her agony, the way was forgotten. On her lips she tasted blood and realized shed bitten her own arm. He continued to thrust as her tears mingled with the water and ran down her face. It was over then as quickly as it began. He pulled out of her and left her in the shower. Her legs gave out and she sank to the floor. The water continued to beat down on her. When he came back to her, he was dressed.
Slowly, she forced herself to look up at him and in a hollow voice she whispered, I forgot my safe word. Horror dawned in his eyes. Slowly, he knelt on the floor, knelt like he meant to pray. He reached for her and she shrank back instinctively in fear. He waited and did not move to touch her again. Finally, she pulled herself slowly up. He held open a towel and she stepped into it, leaning into his body as he wrapped it around her. Picking her up he carried her back to the bedroom. He sat in the armchair by the window and held her to him, rocking her in his strong arms while she cried.
He did not apologize and she did not expect him to.
She never forgot her safe word again.
Nora read the words with a slight smile on her lips before deleting the last hour of writing with a wistful sigh. She opened her email and found a new set of notes from Zach on the last chapters shed sent him. Although he liked where she was taking it, Zach was back in attack mode and she couldnt stop grinning as she read some of his more sarcastic comments.
Nora Forgive me for copyediting, but it must be saidyou have raped the semicolon yet again. Stop it. It wasnt asking for it no matter how it was dressed. If you dont know how to use punctuation then do away with it altogether, write like Faulkner and well pretend its on purpose.
Bite me, Easton, Nora said to herself as she corrected her sexually compromised semicolon in chapter eighteen. Seriously, bite me.
Nora Aristotle said character is plot. Aristotle is dead and cant hurt you. Im alive and I can. Plot is plot. Find one and keep it.
You want to try to hurt me, Zach? Id love to see you try.
Nora looked up as Wesley entered her office. She smiled but he didnt smile back. He merely sat her red cell phone on her desk, turned around and walked out.
With relief Nora noted that her one missed call was from Kingsley and not S?ren. She called back, but only out of courtesy.
Bonjour, ma chrie, ma belle, mon canard, Kingsley started in on her as soon as he answered.
King, calling me your duck isnt going to change the fact that Im still busy.
Too busy for a 10K evening with a dear friend of yours?
Tell him its 20K or the waiting list.
The waiting list then.
We are in a recession after all. Just tell him to tell his wife how much hes paid me in the last year. That should earn him enough of an ass-kicking to last him until Im done with the book.
Ill pass your well-wishes along to the happy couple.
Nora hung up on Kingsley and left her office. She followed the thrumming of a guitar to Wesleys room.
Thats pretty. What it is? she asked.
The Killers. Wesley stopped playing the song and adjusted his capo. Ever heard of them?
If they came after Pearl Jams Ten then probably not.
He looked at her and laughed a little.
A little after. You going out tonight?
Nope. I hung up on King. And in three weeks if Zach signs my contract I will put on my best pair of stilettos and slam my heel through my hotline once and for all.
Wesley smiled and started picking out a melody. Nora started to leave.
What if he doesnt sign it? Wesley asked.
Nora considered the terrifying possibility that after reading the finished novel, Zach would still think it wasnt Royal House material.
I guess the hotline will have to stay hot a little while longer.
Nora watched Wesleys face.
I like Zach, he said. I didnt at first, but I do now. Hes a really good guy.
She cocked her head and looked at him.
I agree. Wholeheartedly.
I think you should tell him, you know, about the other job.
Noras stomach tightened.
I will. I promise I will. But not yet. I want him to read the book with clear eyes. If I tell him what I do hell think Im just writing a knock-off memoir with the names changed instead of real fiction. If and when he signs the contract, then Ill tell him, she promised.
Nora left Wesley in his room and headed to the kitchen. She only made it as far as the living room when she heard a knock on her door. She glanced at the clock. Who would be stopping by her house at almost eight oclock at night?
Nora went to the door and opened it. Zach stood on the other side looking flushed and sheepish and so handsome she had to force her heart to slow its frantic beating.
She said nothing, only raised an eyebrow and waited.
I know why he calls you his Siren, Zach said without preamble.
Nora grinned at him.
You finally decide to let me blow you off course?
Yes. I think. Im not sure, but I know I cant keep living like this, Nora.
Nora reached out her hand and this time Zach took it in his. His strong hand felt so good wrapped around hers she was afraid that now she had it she wouldnt ever let it go. She yanked him into the house with her left hand while her right hand hit the eight on her phone.
What now? he asked as Nora lifted the phone to her ear.
Were taking a little trip. King, dont talk, she said when Kingsley answered. Im hitting the club tonight. Call and have them hold my table. One guest. She glanced at Zach. And Kingsleymums the word.
Nora hung up the phone and looked at Zach.
Where are we going? Zach asked.
Nora could hear the fear still hiding under the excitement in his voice.
She met his eyes and without smiling answered him.
Hell.
17
Zach entered Noras office and switched on her desk lamp. From what Wesley said just before he left, it sounded as if Nora would be a while getting ready. Might as well pass the time with a book. Considering Noras tastes he had no doubt he could find something to distract him from the screaming voice in his head telling him he really didnt want to do this.
The lamplight spread its warm yellow glow over Noras desk. Wesley must have tidied up. Her usual disarray had been transformed into well-ordered chaos, if there was such a thing. He picked up a small box shed labeled Scribbles and Bits. He opened it and found dozens of quotations from various sources on multicolored note cards.
One card read in Noras slanting script, No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. William Penn. That did sound like something Nora would commit to memory. Another quote came from the Roman playwright Platus: I do believe it was Love which devised the torturers profession here on earth. Appropriate. A pink card read, The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.Menander of Athens.
The last card simply said, The Lady or the Tiger? over and over and over again.
Zach put the cards away and closed the box. He saw her day planner tucked next to her keyboard. He knew he was being unconscionably nosy, but his curiosity got the better of him. Seemed to be todays theme.
He flipped the red leather-bound calendar open. She and Lex apparently had rescheduled her book-signing for a month from Saturday. Shed dragged Wesley to the opera a few weeks ago. She and G.F. had been in Miami in January. He flipped to the week before he and Nora had met. On that Monday shed written, T.R.M.D. 8:00 p.m. Another notation later that week read, S.S.W.A., 9:00 p.m. But the next day had another M.D. appointment at 5:00 p.m. He glanced through all the previous pages. Anywhere from two to four times a week, Nora had some sort of M.D. appointment. But as soon as theyd started working on her book the M.D. appointments had dropped off almost completely. What sort of doctor saw a patient on evenings and weekends? Why had Nora stopped going to her appointments when they started working together?
With shaking hands, Zach closed the calendar and stepped to her bookshelves. Lovely, he thought, smirking at the books on the top shelfsex manuals. He skimmed the titles: The Joy of Sex, The Kama Sutra, The Guide to Anal Sex for Women. The last title he read twice. The second shelf did hold some surprises, howeverpsychology and sociology texts, weighty cerebral tomes on the psychology of power and pain. On the third shelf down sat childrens books, their covers worn from multiple readingsthe Harry Potter books in British first editions, Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, The Chronicles of Narnia. But one book appeared more loved than the rest. Its thin red spine was worn and frayed. Zach slipped it off the shelfThe Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Some clever illustrator had taken the text of Carrolls poem and reimagined it as a story all its own. Zach leafed through the lurid, lush illustrations, the pages grown soft and porous from so many readings. On a hunch he turned back to the front end-pages and found an inscription. In handwriting both masculine and elegant it read, My Little One, Never forget the lesson of the Jabberwocky. And never forget that I love you. It was signed only S with a fierce diagonal slash through it; the mark of the mysterious S?ren. He closed the book and slipped it back on the shelf.
Turning back to Noras desk, he noticed again that long black duffel bag hed accidentally kicked the first time he sat in this office. He stuck out his foot and toed the bag, hearing again the chiming sound of metal against metal.
Open it, Zach.
Nora entered the office grinning at him, but Zach was too stunned to smile back. He only stared as she moved even closer, the heels of her boots clicked hollowly on the hardwood floor as her ankle-length leather skirt quietly creaked with each soft sway of her hips. The pale flesh of her thigh peeked out from the hip-high slit in her skirt over a black lace-trimmed stocking. She wore a black corset laced over a flesh-toned bustier. And with her neck bare, her hair artfully arranged over her shoulder, the effect was utterly obscene.
Gotta love a woman in uniform, she said, and Zach caught a whiff of her perfumesubtle and seductive. It made the little hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.
You will hear no complaints from me.
Thank you, Zachary. Give me a hand, will you? I cant get them tight enough on my own.
Nora held out her arms, completely bare but for a pair of black fingerless leather gloves that covered her forearms. She turned her arms over, and Zach saw the gloves hooked over her thumbs and laced up her arms like a corset.
What are these? He took Noras wrist in his hand and methodically pulled the laces tight.
Theyre called gauntlets. Kind of a feminized medieval warrior look.
Thought you only wore red when you went out. Zach laced her other gauntlet.
Dont believe everything you hear about mejust the bad stuff. Youre pretty good at this. Youve laced a corset before. You like lingerie?
Ive never been known to object to it. Must be frustrating to have clothing you need help putting on.
This is usually Wess job. Hes the one who finds it frustrating.
His job? And to think I tended bar for cash while I was at university. This is a far cry from punching out drunken football hooligans.
A lover and a fighter? You need to give Wes some lessons on how to properly enjoy his college experience.
Where is Wesley anyway? He seemed to leave in a hurry.
Oh Nora waved her hand off pouting somewhere.
Pouting? Might I ask why?
Wes doesnt want me, but he doesnt like it if I want someone else. Kids gotta learn that he cant have his cake and not eat me, too.
Zach laughed.
Hes also pissed, Nora said, moving even closer to him, because he knows what Im doing tonight.
And that is?
Seducing you.
Zach took a step back.
Nora, I havent changed my mind. We cant work together and be lovers, too. J.P. will kill me to start with. And if he doesnt I might kill myself.
Nora raised her eyebrow at him, crossed her arms and leaned against his side.
So are you just window-shopping tonight?
Zach crossed his arms to match her and gave her a smile.
Perhaps Im just hoping youll be inspired to finish the book before I leave.
Is that a challenge?
How about this Zach began and couldnt believe what he was proposing. Ill give you your homework. You get it done in a timely manner by day and
And by night we play? Noras eyes were shining. This is a fun game, Zach. I could win this one.
And Zach turned to face her. If you do manage to complete the book a few days ahead of schedule then technically well no longer be working together. Perhaps then we can discuss bringing the handcuffs out of hiding.
Handcuffs? she scoffed. Handcuffs are the least of your worries. Open it. She pointed her toe toward her long black duffel bag on the floor. I dare you.
Zach let a few seconds pass before he bent over and grabbed the handles. He hefted it onto Noras desk, stunned by its weight.
What on earth is in here?
Its my toy bag.
Toy bag? He eyed her skeptically. Store your Legos in here, do you?
Not quite.
He glanced at her once more before slowly unzipping the bag. Nora moved to stand next to him, her left hip pressing against his right leg. Nora reached past him and pulled from the bag a long chrome bar.
Do you know what this is? Its called a spreader bar. Just a basic pipe with eyebolts on the end. You take a snap-hook and a pair of these she reached into the bag again and brought out a wide leather bracelet with a gold buckle sewn into it leather cuffs. Adjustable. They go around the wrists or the ankles. Both if you want to put someone in a spread-eagle position.
Nora arched an eyebrow at him and reached back into the bag.
This is a flogger. Here. Give me your arm.
Zach held his arm out with extreme reluctance. Nora brushed his forearm lightly with the tips of the floggers leather strips.
It tickles. He rubbed his arm.
Pain or pleasure, its made for either. So am I.
Ill stick with pleasure. Ive always preferred the carrot to the stick.
Where were going, the stick is the carrot. She put the flogger away. She dug into her bag again. This lovely device, she said as she held out what looked like two spreader bars joined in the middle, is called an X-Bar. It cuffs the wrists and ankles behind the back. Perfect for immobilizing someone in a kneeling position. As a man, Im certain you can imagine the benefit of immobilizing a woman on her knees.
Zach coughed and exhaled.
Usually, I just prefer her to volunteer for that particular activity. His tongue felt heavy and dry in his mouth.
In my world, if she shows up, she did volunteer. Or in your case, you showed up and I volunteered.
Zach could feel the cold metal of the handcuffs around his wrists again.
I cant win with you, can I?
Nora laughed.
Of course not. The only way to win in this game is to surrender. Come on, Zach, she said, seeming to drop out of character for a moment. You and I both know I could have had you weeks ago. In the cab, remember?
Zach recalled the night of the release party. Hed convinced himself it was his own restraint that had prevented him from asking Nora up. But he knew it was only because Nora had closed the door before he could invite her inside.
Why didnt you?
You werent ready then.
And Im ready now?
Well You did show up again, didnt you? You should know by now, Nora said, and Zach made himself look in her eyes, I wouldnt chase you so hard if I didnt know you wanted to be caught.
Just because you want something doesnt mean you should have it.
Really? Nora asked with a raised eyebrow. And what did you want that you shouldnt have had?
Zach looked away and pointed at something in her bag. Whats that?
Ah Nora sighed. Hes lost in the fog yet again. Still, she reached into the bag and pulled out a black silk scarf. She twined it through her fingers and over her wrists, letting it cascade into her palms like black water.
Blindfold? Zach made an educated guess.
Or gag. Or wrist restraint. The blindfold seems tame, but Im very fond of them. Do you have any idea how much trust it takes to let someone take you blind? Want to find out?
Nora
Okay, Zach. I promise Ill keep my hands offmore or less. No sex until the book is done. Well, you wont have any sex. Knowing me, I will, she said over her shoulder.
Zach laughed until he saw she wasnt smiling.
Come on. Nora threw on her coat and belted it. She strode toward the door. Time to go.
Need your bag? he joked.
Not where were going.
18
Zach followed Nora outside. He started to walk toward her car parked in front of the house. But she beckoned him instead to her garage.
This way, handsome. Ive got a little surprise for you.
Nora pulled her key ring out of her coat pocket and hit a small black button. The garage door slowly yawned open. Zach never dreamed she kept an actual car in her garage. Her black Lexus and Wesleys beat-up VW always sat in the driveway or on the street. But inside the garage he saw some kind of vehicle covered in a suede car cover.
You Yanks. Zach shook his head. You think you need a whole army of cars.
This isnt just a car, Zach. She grabbed the corner of the cover and pulled it off in one extravagant motion.
My GodNora, he breathed at the sight of the inferno-red machine. Hed never been much of a car enthusiast but something very male in him wanted to just run his hands across it from fender to fender.
Once upon a time, Nora began, I spent a week with a sheikh. This was his version of morning-after roses.
You just keep this in your garage?
What? Just your everyday Aston Martin.
This is James Bonds car.
Yes, but he cant have it back. Dont tell, but Im going to give it to Wes as a graduation present in a couple of years.
If you ever fire him and start looking for a new intern Zach reached out and touched the hood.
Ill keep your rsum on file, Nora said, looking at him as he stroked the top of the car. Youre hard right now, arent you?
Fully erect. Zach didnt crack a smile.
Typical male. Nora rolled her eyes. Get in.
Zach slid onto the passenger seat and inhaled the heady scent of the most expensive leather interior in the world. He closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat. It held him like a hand. He could die here.
Nora slipped into the drivers seat. The car purred to life.
Norawho are you?
Just another guttersnipe. Ready to see my gutter?
Zach leaned up and opened his eyes.
Where exactly are we going? he asked as she slinked through the streets and headed toward the city.
Its a club, Nora simply said.
What kind of club?
The only kind of club I would ever go to.
Whats this club called?
It doesnt really have an official name. It doesnt officially exist. Those of us in the know call it the 8th Circle.
Zach tried to remember his Italian literature class.
Its been too long since Ive read Dante. The eighth circlewas that where the sins of lust were punished?
Noras lips curled into an ironic grin.
That was the second circle. The eighth circle was the destination for those who abused their powerpanderers, seducers, simonists, false counselors.
Simonists?
Noras smiled widened.
Corrupt priests.
Abused their powervery clever.
The name is all too apt.
Zach turned to her and didnt ask what she meant by that. Hed already lost his train of thought as he watched Nora shift gears with the practiced ease of a race-car driver. Her touch was easy and smooth; the engine responded to her every whim. Zach couldnt stop watching, couldnt stop imagining her dexterous hands on him.
How did you learn to drive like this? Zach asked, trying to ignore his growing arousal.
I can drive anythingany car, any kind. Ive been driving a stick shift since I was thirteen.
Zach started to open his mouth to ask her another question. But Nora took a sharp turn to the left and pulled into what appeared to be an abandoned parking structure attached to a dingy squat concrete block of a building. Windowless, lifeless and covered in graffiti, the building seemed the last place in the city Nora would want to enter.
Why did you stop?
Nora pulled in and parked next to a sleek, silver Porsche.
Because were here.
Here? Zach looked around in disbelief as they both left the car. The place seemed dismal and far too quiet. Only the wind sliding around the concrete columns made any sound at all. He looked back at the Aston Martin.
Are you sure its safe to leave it here? Zach asked even though it was just one of many luxury cars in the garage.
This is the safest parking garage in New York. Trust me.
Nora brought them to a gunmetal-gray door and pulled out her keys again. She slid one into the lock and turned it. Zach expected the roar of a nightclub to greet them but he heard nothing but silence.
He found himself standing at the end of a long hallway. It seemed to be part of an old hotel. The walls and carpets were a deep red; small aging chandeliers hung from the ceiling and cast broken light over the paisley squares of threadbare carpeting. They came to the end of the hall where an old-fashioned coat check booth stood. Nora rang the silver desk bell and shed her coat.
A girl came out of the back and flashed them both a courteous smile.
How may I serve you? she asked. Her smile wavered and widened as the young woman seemed to suddenly register Noras identity. Mistress Nora, she said, bobbing a perfect curtsy. She looked positively starstruck. The girl wore a classic cigarette girl costume, blue and black striped, and her lush dark hair was coiffed Bettie-Page style.
Hello, dear, Nora said with a magnanimous air as she gave the girl her coat. Zach surrendered his, as well, grateful to be rid of it. In the stifling hallway, he instantly felt more comfortable in his jeans and T-shirt. Are you new? Did King bring you in?
Yes, mistress. Mr. K. brought me in a few weeks ago.
King always did have good taste, Nora said, eliciting a blush from the beaming young woman. Have you made it to the floor yet?
No, mistress, the girl said, her voice aflutter with nervousness. Im so sorry. Its justIm such a fan.
Zach smiled at the girl. You should enjoy her next book, too. Its coming along very well.
The girl looked puzzled.
You write books too, mistress?
Nora laughed but didnt meet Zachs eyes.
Youre adorable, Nora said to the girl. Ill talk to King about getting you on the floor.
Thank you, mistress, the girl breathed. She seemed to remember herself and said with a more professional tone, Can I get anything for you, mistress? For your guest?
A white scarf, please. And my case. The black one.
With another curtsy the girl left and promptly returned with a plain white handkerchief and a small box that looked like a flute case only much longer.
Nora took the white scarf and wrapped it around his bicep.
What on earth
The Circle revived the flag and scarf signal system from the old guard leather scene, Nora explained. We revised it quite a bit to suit the specific clientele that comes here. The scarves are signals or advertisements. Here white means youre an S&M virgin who only wants to observe. Should keep the wolves at bay.
Should? Zach asked skeptically. I really need a stop signal? A simple no, thanks wouldnt do?
Trust me, as gorgeous as you are, Zach, you would be in big trouble down there without a little armor on.
Wouldnt red make for a better stop signal? Zach asked, not wanting to be labeled as a virgin anything.
A red scarf would signal you were into blood-play.
Ah, I see.
Could be worse, Nora said as she finished knotting the scarf around his arm. It could be a brown scarf.
And brown means?
The young woman and Nora gave each other conspiratorial glances.
Keep the wolves at bayshould I be nervous, Nora?
Nora didnt answer. She snapped open the black case and took out a riding crop, black with white braiding and quite professional-looking. She took a step back and twirled the crop with stunning expertise. With a quick flick she struck it against her own leather-clad calf. The sound echoed down the hall like a gunshot.
Kingsley Edge was the first person who put a riding crop in my hand. It was like Arthur with Excalibur. She winked at the girl and the girl could only smile in awe. Zach tried not to roll his eyes. Disheartening to think Nora had better luck with women than he did.
Come, Zachary, Nora said, tapping her leather-clad calf with the crop.
Yes, mistress, he said, with minimal irony.
Nora started to turn but stopped in midstep.
Tell me your name, she ordered the girl.
Robin, she replied.
Ah, a little bird, Nora purred. She reached out and caressed the girls burning cheek with the back of her hand. Ill remember that.
Nora lowered her hand and stepped away. She pushed the down button on the elevator and the door slid open. They entered and Zach saw there was only a down button inside.
This elevator only goes down?
Apparently so. Nora held the handle of her crop in her right hand and the tip in her left. She held it, he discovered with a jolt of recognition, like a scepter. Even her posture, usually intimate and conspiratorial, had transformed. She held herself like a queen, her chin high, her back straight. She wore the hauteur well.
Then how will we get out?
Nora looked at him as if the thought had never occurred to her.
I suppose we wont.
That girl worships you but she doesnt know youre a writer. How did she know you, Nora?
Down here everyone knows me. Oh, and to answer your earlier question, she said as the elevator slowed. Yes, you should be nervous.
He heard the muted grinding of the elevator coming to a shuddering stop. The doors opened. Nora turned her face to the dark outside the doors, and in a low voice said, Let the wild rumpus begin.
Nora stepped forward and across the threshold. Zach called her name as she disappeared into the dark. Her hand reached back; Zach grasped it and let her pull him across blindly into the abyss. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust. Zach stepped back when he realized he now stood teetering at the top of a steep staircase. But Nora stepped forward and went down, and he had no choice but to go down with her.
He felt the music before he even heard it. It beat into his chest, a pounding, visceral symphony of violence. Nora descended the staircase, and he had to trust her since he could barely make out his own feet below him. As they reached the middle of the staircase a deafening roar erupted as the throngs below recognized Nora. When they reached the bottom step a horde of near naked bodies congregated to throw themselves at Noras feet. She brushed past them, kicked some away, and swatted a few dismissively like flies with her riding crop. The more viciously she dealt with them, the more they groveled.
Looking around, Zach saw sights his eyes could process but his mind could not. Above him hung bodies hoisted high on suspension harnesses. A woman in leather dragged a man to a cross and lashed him to it. A line of people queued up to take turns flogging him. A naked woman was tied spread-eagle to a large spinning wheel. A huge bear of a man whipped her as the wheel turned and turned. Another woman strapped to an X-Bar volunteered her services to a man covered in head-to-toe vinyl except for the part of him in her mouth.
Into all this wet, red hell Nora strode without blinking, without flinching, without missing a step. She floated light and buoyant across the black waters, her eyes burning like flags afire. Zach imagined they could be seen for miles.
She pulled him through the herd of admirers toward an open wrought-iron elevator shaft at the other side of the floor. Guarding the elevator was a man roughly the size of a house wearing chaps and a spiked dog collar. Nora transferred her riding crop from her right hand to her left, and with her free right hand delivered a slap so fierce to the mans face that Zach winced.
Zach moved forward ready to take the brunt of the mans retaliation, but he merely smiled, bowed to Nora and stepped aside.
Nora stepped into the elevator and Zach followed.
What the hell was that? Zach demanded, referring to the slap.
The password, she called back.
No doors closed on the lift as it started to rise. Zach huddled near the back wall for safety, but Nora stood at the very edge and blew a kiss to the howling, cheering crowd below.
The elevator brought them three stories up to an old world bar. Tables of black lacquer sat everywhere and at the center of each pale yellow candles burned and dripped wax over the shiny surfaces. Behind the bar hung a huge mirror and every sort of alcohol one could conceive of. The din of the crowd was still audible but distinctly subdued. A portion of the bar opened like a balcony. Zach could see the chaos still raging below.
Nora brought him to a table near the center of the bar. She stood by her chair and waited. Seconds later a dark-eyed, well-muscled young man wearing low-slung leather pants came up behind Nora and pulled her chair out for her.
Have a seat, mistress, he said. If it pleases you.
Nora laughed and turned in her chair to face him. He knelt at her feet and waited with a smile.
Griffin Randolfe Fiske, she said in delighted recognition. She put the tip of her riding crop under his chin and forced him to meet her eyes. What the hell are you doing down there, you dirty Dom?
Just seeing how the other half grovels, Griffin said, running his hand through his near-black hair. Even on the floor on his knees, it was obvious to Zach Noras friend was no submissive.
Zach guessed Noras friend was in his mid-twenties. Handsome and tan with armband tattoos around both biceps, Griffin appeared to be a close friend of Norasvery close.
Whod you piss off this time? Nora flicked the little silver tag hanging off his collar.
The usual.
Nora shook her head.
You know S?ren has the right to revoke your key, Griff, she warned, casually twirling the riding crop in her nimble fingers.
Yes, but you like me so he wont.
Nora gave him a sidelong glare with a smile underneath.
I dont like you. I tolerate you.
Yeah, you tolerated my brains out in Miami two months ago.
Nora scoffed. I was feeling unusually tolerant that day.
Weekend, Griffin corrected. Whos blue eyes over here?
Zach started as he realized Noras friend was now sizing him up.
Master Griffin Fiske, meet my editor, Zachary Easton, she introduced them.
A pleasure to meet you. Zach reached forward to shake Griffins hand. But Griffin kissed the center of his palm instead. Zach yanked his hand back.
Hes gorgeous, Nora. Hot accent, too. Fucked him yet?
Nora shrugged. Just a blow job.
Zach had the sudden urge to throttle Nora.
Blow job on a British guy? Griffin asked with some concern. Youre a braver bitch than I. No offense, Griffin said, turning to Zach. I have a foreskin phobia.
Zachs Jewish.
Griffin nodded his approval. Mazel tov.
Griffin, are you going to get our drink order anytime soon or will I have to report you to a certain someone for dereliction of duty?
Drink order, mistress. Give it to me.
Zach, do you want anything?
Did he want anything? He wanted to get back in the Aston Martin right now and head straight for home. Hed thought hed lived a wild life before he and Grace marrieddozens of lovers, sex in cars, in parks, once with the maid of honor in the bathroom during a wedding reception, twice with the daughter of the dean of his collegeloads of drinking, carousing, wild nights followed by tired but happy next mornings. But nothing hed ever done compared to what was going on right in front of his eyes. A girl no more than twenty-five was being dragged by her hair past their table by a man about his age. He pushed her onto the elevator floor and put his foot on the back of her neck. Nora and Griffin barely even glanced in their direction.
Anything that will put me into a coma, Zach decided.
No comas tonight. The Circles got a two-drink maximum, Nora said.
Two-drink maximum?
Griffin, explain, Nora ordered.
You see, blue eyes, Griffin said, still kneeling on the floor. This place doesnt actually exist. No one knows its here. Not the cops, not the IRS, nobody but members, and the guy who runs this joint has so much blackmail shit on every member that we dont breathe a word about this place to outsiders. So to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny, we play it very safe down here. No drugs, very little alcohol and safe words, safe words, safe words.
So, two-drink maximum, Nora finished. Better make it a good two.
Gin and tonic, Zach said, picking the first hard drink that came to mind.
Just mineral water, Nora said.
Oh Griffin said, his dark brown eyes turning gold with mirth. Sounds like somebody wants to play tonight.
Up. Go, Nora ordered and Griffin jumped straight from the floor to his feet in kip-upa move Zach had only seen in the occasional kung-fu movie.
Such a punk, Nora said, watching him walk away. Thinks hes a sex ninja.
Friend of yours? Zach asked.
Kink buddy. But he talks too much so I have to gag him every time we fuck. Cute, isnt he?
Delightful. Hes Zach didnt complete the question.
Bisexual. Very.
Was it absolutely necessary to tell him that we
I blew you. You liked it. Get over it, she said as a naked woman wearing only a tail feather held in place in a way Zach didnt want to think about sashayed past their table. Nora didnt even bat an eyelash at her. Ever heard of John Fiske?
Of course. Chairman of the stock exchange, isnt he? Hes your friends
Yup, thats Junior, she said, inclining her head in Griffins direction. The Fiske family is new money, old money, money money. Griff is New Yorks biggest trust fund baby. He drives S?ren up the wall. S?rens very dignified. Griffinnot so much.
So who owns this club?
Kingsley Edgehes S?rens best friend. Best friend when S?ren isnt trying to kill him that is. King runs the place but S?rens top Dom here so he calls the shots when hes in attendance. He can order anyone to do anything and they have to do it. Here all the Dominants are ranked by experience and level of dominance. Griffins lucky number seven.
Whos number two?
Nora leaned back in her chair, snapped her fingers and pointed at herself.
I am.
Zachs eyes widened in shock.
You are?
Zach, this isnt a game, you know. I dont just write it. I live it. Im a Domme, a female Dominant. There arent a lot of us around. Most Dominants are men. Technically Im Switch since I can top and bottom, but if I show up on your doorstep, get ready to say ouch. Im not good at itIm amazing at it. So good at it that Im as famous down here for my skills with a whip as I am in the straight world for my skills with a pen.
My God, Zach breathed.
No need for that. You can just call me maam. Nora winked at him. Zach looked at her and knew she spoke the truth. He knew she was kinky but he never dreamed before now she was some sort of legend. No wonder shed scared him from the moment they metshe really was dangerous.
Your G&T. Griffin returned to the table with their drinks. And your mineral water, mistress. Anything else?
Yes, Nora said. Kneel.
Griffin knelt again on the floor at Noras feet.
Zachary, Griffin is demonstrating for us the attendant slave posture. Kneeling, hands resting on knees, thighs she said and put a foot on Griffins inner thigh and pushed wide-open. Very good, slave.
Thank you, mistress.
Slave, please recite for my guest the first rule of S&M here at the 8th Circle.
Hurt, but do not harm, mistress.
And the second rule.
Respect the safe word always, mistress.
And the third rule?
Griffin looked at Zach before answering.
No vanilla sex allowedmistress.
Nora broke into a wide grin. Good boy. You are dismissed for the moment. But stay close.
Griffin rose to his feet and leaned over.
Ill stay so close youll think Im inside you, he said in a stage whisper meant for Zach to hear and nipped at Noras neck. Zach tried to ignore it.
Hurt but do not harm? Zach asked. Whats the difference?
Hurt is a bruise on the outside. Nora sipped her mineral water delicately. Harm is a bruise on the inside. If youre a masochist, pain feels like love to you. Not being hurt is what hurts.
Are you a masochist? Zach asked, fascinated despite himself.
Not exactly. Nora smiled almost shyly. Not everyone who practices S&M is an actual sadist or masochist, not in the pathological sense anyway. With S?ren, I loved submitting to pain. I loved the submission, though, not the pain itself. There are a handful of actual masochists down here, though, if you want to meet one. Fair warning, they can be almost as dangerous to play with as the sadists.
Warning taken. You dont seem like those people down there. Zach nodded toward the pit.
Those people down there are doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers, politicians, you name it. If Im not like them its only because I dont have a real job. And I have played in the pit before, Ill have you know. Its like Sodom and Gomorrah down there sometimes. Tonights Monday so the plays a little tame.
You say play like this is all a game. But people are actually getting hurt down there, Nora.
I have one word for you, my uptight English editorrugby.
Zach winced. Rugbythe sport as rough as American football but without all the padding.
A lot of people think were crazy, Zach. Some even think were evil. But Im a Switch so Ive seen both sides of the whip. I know you cant imagine it, but this is love to a lot of us. When S?ren hit me, it was because he loved me, because thats how we loved each other.
Sounds horrifying.
Horrifying is the last thing S?ren is. Dangerous, yes. Ill give you that. But S&Ms only dangerous if you play with someone you dont trust or if you forget your safe word. She stopped, looked up at the ceiling and smiled. He could see something like a memory flash across her eyes. Trust me, whatever you do, Zach, dont forget your safe word.
Whats a safe word?
A safe words your last out. Thats the dark secret of S&Mthe submissives actually have the final say. And your safe word can be anythingpopcorn, barn owlwhatever as long as its not a word youd use in a scene. If you need to tell the person topping you that you have to stop completely, you end it by using that word.
You cant just say stop?
A lot of submissives enjoy feeling overpowered and truly dominated. God knows I did. Stop doesnt mean stop in S&M. Its just part of the scene. You should have a safe word down here. Everyone does. Except S?ren, of course.
Why is he exempt?
Nora smirked and rolled her eyes.
Because S?ren doesnt get topped. Go ahead. You can pick anythingthe street you grew up on, your favorite food, the middle name of the long-lost love of your life. Got one?
Sure, fine, Zach said, picking the first word that came to mind. Calais.
The city in France?
Oui.
Bien. Ill remember it. If I start to push you hard enough you need to really get out, just say that and everything will stop. Saying no, Nora, I dont think thats such a grand idea doesnt always work on me.
Ive noticed. Zach took a sip of his drink. So my writer is the most famous Domme in New York.
Nora grinned. Zach, Im the most famous Domme she began and then closed her mouth. Her ears seemed to perk up. She tilted her head sideways.
Do you hear that? she asked.
Zach listened.
I dont hear anything.
Nora inhaled and exhaled slowly.
Fuck.
Nora jumped to her feet and raced to the balcony area of the bar. Zach ran to join her.
What is it? Zach asked.
Griffin came to stand behind them. Zach heard him chuckling.
Stop me if youve heard this onea priest, a rabbi and a griffin walk into an S&M club
This is why I gag you during sex, Griffin, Nora nearly growled.
You brought a date to the Circle, Griffin chided. What did you expect him to do?
I expected King to keep his mouth shut.
You know King answers to a higher power.
Nora, Zach said with exasperation, please tell me whats going on.
Nora turned to face him. He saw real fear in her eyes.
S?ren.
S?ren? Zach repeated and looked down. A man stood at the top of the staircase where he and Nora had entered. Zach couldnt make out any of his features at first. All he noticed was the mans commanding height, his incredible presence. All play below had ceased at his entrance. He strode down the staircase slowly, imperiously. The world stopped for him. The chaos on the floor fell silent. Everyone everywhere, Nora included, seemed to be holding their breath.
Zach narrowed his eyes at the sight of Noras former lover. He noticed something strange about the mans clothes.
Zach, I should have told you. Theres a lot I should have told you.
S?ren Zach said in utter shock. Hes a priest?
My priest.
19
A hundred whispers and hints from conversations over the past few weeks came back to Zach in an instant. Nora Sutherlins former lover who still haunted her like the shadow of a ghost was a Catholic priest. And if it werent for the fear in her eyes and the dread in his stomach he might have laughed.
Zach, look at me, Nora ordered, and Zach wrenched his eyes away from the scene below.
Its all right, Zach said, trying to reassure her.
No, it isnt, she said. Hes here for a reason and its probably not a good one. If he wants me, I have to go with him. I wont have a choice.
Of course you have a choice, Zach said.
Nora shook her head. Not down here. House rules. Griffin?
Yes, my Mistress in Distress? Griffin said, clearly taking great pleasure in Noras extreme agitation.
Ill need you to stay with Zach if you can. Just dont let him out of your sight. Thats an order.
Im all over it. And him, too, if hell let me.
He wont let you, Zach said, and Griffin grinned at him.
And Griffin. She reached out to take Griffins face in her hands. For Gods sake and for the first time in your life, keep your mouth shut.
Zach expected one of Griffins witty retorts but the young man merely nodded. Zach saw something pass between them, some sort of secret understanding that he was apparently not to be privy to. Hed already seen Noras former lover was a priest. What else was left to shock him?
Hes coming, Griffin whispered and Zachs heart beat hard in his chest.
Zach sensed a presence behind him. He turned and found himself face-to-face with Noras former lover. Almost face-to-face. Although Zach stood six feet tall in bare feet, S?ren dwarfed him by at least two or three inches. It wasnt only his height that was so formidable. Strikingly handsome, he was in his mid-forties but while his lean and angular face looked younger than that, his eyes held aeons in their steely depths. On rare occasions Zach had encountered members of Englands lingering aristocracy. But in his simple black clerics, this man appeared more aristocratic, more imperious and commanding than any baron, any duke, any prince hed ever glimpsed. Now Zach understood the source of Noras fear. If God himself was intimidated by this man, Zach wouldnt have been surprised.
Eleanor, S?ren spoke first. Would you care to introduce me to your friend?
Zach heard the remnant of an accent in his voice. With the name S?ren, Zach might have expected a Scandinavian accent and with his impeccable blond hair and steel-gray eyes, S?ren certainly looked the part. But in the echo of his inflection Zach heard the slightest trace of something more familiar, the faintest English accent.
S?ren Noras voice fluttered. This is Zachary Easton, my editor. Zach, this is S?ren, my
Priest is the word Eleanor is looking for, I believe. S?ren spoke with authoritarian hauteur. You are her editor, Mr. Easton, so I believe helping her find her words is your job, yes? I dont believe I see a red pen on your person. Are you off duty tonight?
Nora just wanted me to help with her research for her book. Zach sensed S?ren weighing him. Zach had an inkling that no matter what he did or said, he would be found wanting.
Research? The word seemed to amuse him. Nora stood silent next to Zach; her skin flushed and her hands gripped her riding crop handle with white-knuckled force. Yes, Eleanor is quite thorough in her research. Eleanor, accompany me please. I need a moment with you.
Actually, we were about to leave. Zach stepped between Nora and S?ren.
S?ren raised his chin and gazed down on Zach with an expression of ironic detachment. His eyes took in the white flag around Zachs arm and he raised an eyebrow in apparent amusement. Zach stared at the white collar around S?rens neck before meeting the priests eyes again. But S?ren seemed untouchableno guilt, no embarrassment, not even the slightest hint of shame haunted his eyes. S?ren slowly raised his hand right next to Noras ear. He snapped his fingers, and Nora flinched at the echoing sound. S?ren pointed to the floor at his side, and Nora stepped out and stood where S?ren had indicated. Zach wanted to pull her back and run with her as far and fast away from this man as they could. But Nora met his eyes for the briefest moment, and he saw someone hed never seen before reflected back. No one handles Nora Sutherlin, J.P. had said and Zach had begun to believe it. Now he knew hed met the one man who could.
House rules, she explained with an apology in her wan smile.
S?ren inclined his head regally and took a step forward.
They walked away toward a black door next to the end of the bar. S?ren held the door open for Nora and as she stepped past him to enter the room, he gripped her by the back of the neck. Zach took a step forward, but Griffin put his hand out to stop him.
Dont even think about it, man, Griffin warned. Im not his biggest fan, either, but you come down here, you obey the rules and you respect the ruler.
Is she all right? Zach asked, scared for Nora but feeling impotent to help her in this strange world.
Shell be fine. He wont hurt her.
Are you certain of that?
Griffin looked at the door that had just closed behind Nora. He looked back at Zach.
No.
* * *
Nora tried to stay calm as S?ren escorted her to the dimly lit bar stockroom. She counted her breaths and tried to slow her racing heart. It didnt work. S?ren opened the door and Nora risked one quick look back at Zach standing with Griffin. He watched her with a question in his eyes. She didnt know how to answer it.
She wasnt surprised when S?ren grabbed her by the neck as she slipped through the door. The neck was the most vulnerable part of the human bodyS?ren always went for her weak spots and having just humiliated her in front of Zach meant only one thing: he wanted her.
The door shut behind them. In an instant, S?ren had turned her toward him. She was in his arms, his mouth on hers. He tasted like fire and wine. She pressed into him, the dawn of her body meeting the horizon of his. It had been so long since shed given herself over to him. She didnt care that Zach was waiting right outside. For a moment she didnt even remember Zach or the promise she made Wesley. She stiffened as he grasped her by the wrist. With one adept movement he had her arm twisted behind her back, her stomach flat against the wall.
Panting with need, she closed her eyes as S?ren lifted the back of her skirt. She knew what was coming and didnt try to fight it. She breathed him in, inhaling his perfect scent, the scent of winter that clung to him in every season. His mouth lingered at her neck; his warm breath on her bare skin sent a shiver through her whole body. She waited for him to penetrate her but he was too cruel for that. She heard S?ren release the slightest throaty gasp, and he came instead on the back of her thighs.
Nora swallowed a groan of frustration. He loved punishing her by withholding himself. Instead of taking her, hed merely marked his territory. Bastard. S?ren pulled away as she yanked her skirt back down and turned to face him.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, lets talk, shall we, little one?
What did I do now? she demanded. Obviously Im in troubleagain.
A quiver of tension shot through her as S?ren raised a single finger and ran it from under her ear, down her neck and across her naked shoulder. He leaned forward and whispered.
Deep trouble.
* * *
Zach sat next to Griffin on one of the barstools. He tried not to appear too gauche next to this unabashedly half-naked young man.
So what do you think of our little acre of Hell? Griffin asked, reaching over the bar to grab a bottle of water.
Zach glanced aroundhe saw naked flesh and leather wherever he looked. A young woman wearing not much more than her pale pink collar and cuffs sat at the feet of a slightly older man. The man said something to the girl and she nodded obediently. She tucked her toes under and rose straight up off the floor just the way Nora had in the kitchen that day. Suddenly Zach didnt see the girl but a younger Nora. And in place of the older man was S?ren smiling darkly down at her as she sat on the floor at his feet.
Nora and S?renhow long were they together? Zach asked, barely hearing Griffins question.
He owned her about ten years, I think. Griffin twisted the cap of his water and took a drink. But she told me shes known him since she was fifteen. Love at first sight, apparently. For both of them.
Ten years Zach couldnt wrap his mind around it. His own marriage had lasted ten years. She said hes a sadist. I assume she means hes
A sadist, Griffin said simply. Hes sexually aroused by inflicting pain and humiliation. And hes phenomenal at it. The Pope there is Machiavellis wet dream.
Phenomenal? It doesnt seem that difficult to hurt someone.
Griffin scoffed. Look, any jackass with a baseball bat can beat up somebody in the street and in five seconds theyre begging for it to stop. S?ren can beat you up and in five minutes youre begging him to never stop. Thats his gift.
Hes a priest. A Catholic priest. He has vows
Which he doesnt break except with Nora, as far as I know. A Catholic priest who only has sex with one consenting adult woman? Jesus, theyll probably make him a bishop. Real sadists dont need to fuck. They need to fuck you up.
I cant believe Nora could stay with someone who hurt her for so long. Shes so
Dominant? Yeah, shes one helluva Switch. Shes as dominant now as she used to be submissive. You wouldnt recognize her if you saw her six years ago. Of course you wouldnt see her face anyway because itd be buried in his lap.
Zach had started to take a drink of his gin and tonic but he set his glass down again.
He forced her to do that in public?
Hell, yeah. Fucked her a few times in public, too. Well, not publicprivate parties. I got invited once. The only time I ever got to top that woman. One of the best nights of my life. He beat her, fucked her, passed her around. He and King would tag team her a lot. Most dominant thing you can do is give your submissive to someone else to play with.
Nora allowed that?
Griffin choked on a laugh and turned to meet Zach eye to eye. Allowed it? Man, she fucking loved it.
Zach shook his head. I dont believe it. Who would enjoy being treated like that?
Believe what you want. All the submissives down here would sell their souls to belong to him. Thats why hes number one. Hes the real thing. He doesnt play to get laid. And he doesnt do it for money like some people. He does it for pure sadistic pleasure.
But Norawhy does she do it?
Lots of reasons. But for him mainly.
Surely he doesnt approve of her being a Dominant.
Griffin gave him a sidelong smile. What? You never pulled the ponytail of the little girl you liked on the playground? This is his playground, Griffin said, sweeping his arm out to indicate the bar and the writhing pit below. Hed never allow anyone but him to own her. So if she wants to play on his playground, she does it as a Domme. He doesnt like it but he wont stop it. Still loves her too much.
Zach turned his head and saw the young woman in the pale pink collar return to her master. With her eyes and head lowered she presented him a glass of wine. The man set the glass of wine aside, took her by the hair and pulled her face between his legs. Zach tried to look away but found he couldnt. The man leaned his head back in arrogant bliss as the girl wrapped her lips and tongue around him.
God, I love it here, Griffin said, and Zach could hear arousal in his voice. Ive gotta get a sub.
Zach tried to ignore how aroused he was becoming by watching the girl. The man dug his fingers into the back of the girls neck as his hips twitched. Zach wrenched his gaze away as he finally let the girl go.
Nora and S?ren were just like that? Zach asked, still in shock.
Griffin shrugged indifferently.
Nora says hes a great priest.
* * *
So what do you want to talk about? Weve been having the same fight for five years. I guess we can have it again. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I miss it. No, Im not coming back.
You would assume this was all about you, wouldnt you? S?ren said.
If it isnt, then what? she demanded, angry at herself for still being so affected by him even after all this time.
I told you when I saw you again we would discuss Wesley.
Nora took a step back.
No, not him. Hes not on the table. Hes not up for negotiation.
S?rens eyes flashed at her. Fitting as I do not negotiate.
Im not giving Wesley up.
Hes not one of us, Eleanor, and you know it. You never should have allowed him into your home. This is a dangerous game you are playing and one or both of you will be deeply hurt by it.
Wes isnt a game. Hes my best friend. Jesus, S?ren, hes my only friend. Nora hated admitting it but she knew it was true. Everyone in her lifeZach includedshed either slept with or planned to.
Friend? Hes your pet and you are using him. A game is only fair when both parties know they are playing it.
You dont know anything about us. You havent even met him.
S?ren took her chin in his hand, gripping it to the edge of pain.
Do you think, S?ren asked slowly, that there is any corner of your life you can keep from me?
Why do you care what happens to Wes?
One of us has to. Is he a virgin still? S?ren demanded and Nora turned away from him. Answer me, young lady.
Yes, she said, too well-trained to ignore a direct order. Were just friends.
Only for love would you ever sleep alone. I could have had you when you were fifteen years old, Eleanor. And although I burned for you, although my desire for you grew until the calendar of my life counted down only the days and months and years I had to wait until I could make you mine, I still kept you a virgin. Why?
Nora rolled her eyes. Because youre a sadist.
S?ren reached for her and held her by the shoulders. His hands on her bare skin sent electricity running through her whole body.
Because I loved you. I wouldnt take you until you were ready. You keep Wesley for yourself as I kept you for me. But you were born for this life and he was not. You will harm him if you keep him any longer.
I would never hurt Wes. A knot tightened in her throat.
It will end badly, Eleanor. As will that, if you arent careful, S?ren said, indicating Zach sitting at the bar with Griffin. Griffin glanced at the mirror and winked. Of course, Griffin knew it was a two-way mirror that hung behind the bar. She and he had snuck back here for some quick kinky sex more than once. Your editor. He seemed surprised when we met. You havent told him everything about us. What else havent you told him?
Nora twisted her riding crop in her hands.
Eleanor S?ren scolded in his most insufferable paternalistic voice. How will he feel when he discovers that writing isnt your only source of income?
I was going to tell him. I will tell him. When the books done.
He cares for you, Eleanor. I can see it in his eyes. Hes letting himself care for you and it terrifies him. He wont take betrayal lightly.
Then I wont betray him. The book is more than halfway done. And Zachhes amazing. Hes smart and funny. Hes
Married. I thought I taught you better than that.
Theyre separated. They even live on separate continents.
Are you attempting to convince me or yourself? S?ren asked. Nora closed her eyes, exhaling as S?ren slipped his hands down her arms. If he hasnt taken you yet, and Im sure youve offered, it is because he still loves his wife. Broken love is the most dangerous love. It will slice you open with every touch.
Like your love?
S?ren dipped his head and kissed her from her neck to the tip of her shoulder. She exhaled with bliss as his lips met her skin. No other lover had ever made her feel what S?ren could.
You havent broken me yet, he said into her ear. It took everything she had to keep from turning around and sinking into his arms. Are you following my rule still, Eleanor?
Nora bit her bottom lip. Yes. Mostly. More or less.
Eleanor he said in a warning tone.
I do write about you, she admitted. All the time. But I always delete or shred it.
Then why do you write about me, about us, if you destroy your own words?
They arent just words. Theyre memories. I like to read them, hold them in my hands. And then I can let them go. A little bit at least.
You will never love anyone as you love me, S?ren said and as much as she wanted to slap him for his arrogance, she couldnt disagree. Not even Wesley. Not even him. S?rens eyes came to rest on Zach at the bar talking with Griffin. But I think you care for him more than you realize. This must be terrifying for you.
It is terrifying, she admitted. Zachs my editor. Hes the first person who ever treated me as a serious writer.
I told you that you should be a writer when you were seventeen years old, he reminded her.
Nora smiled at the memory. Shed written a short story for her English class that had gotten her into big trouble at her Catholic high school. Only the intervention of her priest had kept her from getting hauled in front of a whole team of doctors and psychiatric personnel.
I assumed you were a little biased where I was concerned.
Perhaps I was, he admitted with a smile. But I knew talent when I saw it. So what will you do with him? S?ren nodded toward Zach.
Nora watched Zach through the two-way mirror. Griffin leaned in close and Zach managed to recoil without even movinga very English feat.
Its not just about sex this time. Not entirely. Zachs got secrets, bad ones. I want to help him but I dont even know where to start. What do you think?
S?ren looked at her and she had to fight her training to keep her eye contact with him. Once in a private moment like this she would never have met his eyes without his permission. But that was so long ago. S?ren sighed and shook his head.
My Eleanorsomeday perhaps Ill learn to tell you no.
With that S?ren stepped to her side. She watched his face as he studied Zach through the glass. In all her life Nora had never known anyone as perceptive as S?ren. He could read a soul with the merest glance. Hed known what she would become from the moment he first saw her. He had told her so. It had always been her favorite bedtime story. Tell me about that day, she would beg. Eleanor, hed begin, his stories always in third person, had pulled her sleeves down over her hands. She was ashamed of the burn on her wrist. But as she reached for the cup, her sleeve slipped back and he saw what she was. Nora always interrupted with an eager, What was she? And S?ren would pull her into his arms and answer, She was mine.
Guilt. S?rens pronouncement wrenched her from the past. Old guilt. He wears it awkwardly as if he hasnt quite learned how to carry it yet. He committed no crime although he may believe he did.
Old guiltI have to get it out of him, she said, amused that she and S?ren were at once adversaries and conspirators. Hes choking on his own secrets. I have to break him. But how? That insufferable British dignity is impenetrable. The last thing he needs is some time on the rack and a good whipping.
I agree. It would merely insult him. I have seen that guilt before. He hurt someone once.
Nora heard a turn in his last statement, heard the teachers hint.
He hurt his wife.
Then you know what you have to do. S?ren smiled proudly at her. She was always his best pupil.
Make him hurt me?
Yes, little one. Make him hurt you.
* * *
So youre Noras new Maxwell Perkins, right? Griffin asked Zach.
Well, I am her editor. But Perkins and I have quite disparate philosophies of editing.
Good. Id hate to see her books get all fucked up because her editor cant keep his hands off her prose.
So, Zach said evenly, you read?
Griffin shot him a dirty look.
I may be a slut, Max, but Im not a dumb slut. I read Noras books. Theyre amazing. Of course, my favorite book of hers is the one she hasnt written yet.
And that is?
The Nora Sutherlin Story.
It would be a page-turner, Zach agreed. Is he actually going to keep her all night?
Zach glanced at his watch. Nora had been gone only a short while but he was already impatient for her return.
If he wants to. The minute he steps into this place, martial law is in effect.
Does she come here often?
Used to come all the time. Had to. But she dropped off the face of the earth about a month ago.
That was when we began work on her book, Zach explained.
And when she began work on you, too, huh? Griffin grinned at him. Zach tried not to let himself be embarrassed. After all, Nora and Griffin were clearly occasional lovers.
What do you mean she had to come here? Zach asked after a moments silence.
But Griffin only laughed and slapped him on the shoulder.
Come on. Lets check out the pit.
* * *
I really should get back to my guest. Nora didnt want to leave S?ren, but she knew she needed to. God only knew what Griffin was telling Zach right now.
Not quite yet. We still need to plan how to celebrate our anniversary next week. Or have you forgotten what next Thursday is?
If I forgot every other day of the year, I would remember that one. But we arent celebrating it. Not this year or ever again.
I see. S?ren gave her a cool, appraising stare. Was last year not to your liking?
Last yearwhat he did to her that night was beautiful and brutal and it hurt to even remember.
If you come back to me, will you run or will you crawl?
Ill fly.
Nora shook her head, tried to forget how much she still wanted him.
Last year was a mistake. It shouldnt have happened. It went too far.
You are never satisfied until it goes too far.
I nearly lost Wes over that night.
Yes. What was that promise you made? That if you ever gave yourself over to me again he would leave you? Was that it?
You cant blame him, can you? He doesnt understand us.
I am certain he does not. S?ren reached out and caressed her cheek. Those fingers, she thought. Those hands. Hands that knew every corner of her body as their owner knew every corner of her heart. My Eleanorsuch a creature of Divine Discontent.
Divine Discontent?
Gods dirty little secret. He will make you suffer, little one, until He makes you wise.
No more sermons. Please, she pleaded.
S?ren responded with only the merest suggestion of a smile on his lips. If you wont come see me on our anniversary, I suppose Ill have to give you your gift early. Good thing I brought him with me.
He pulled something from his pocket and opened his hand for her. A key with a delicate white ribbon in place of a key chain lay across his palm.
What is it?
The key to the White Room, of course. Its where your anniversary present is waiting for you.
His hand still open and waiting, S?ren took a step toward her.
Hes a virgin, Eleanor, he whispered into her ear. You can close your eyes and pretend hes Wesley.
Nora wanted to withdraw, wanted to push S?ren away. Zach was out there waiting for her. And she knew better than this. S?rens gifts were always double-edged swords, and there was no way to take them except by the blade. She heard the voice of reason reminding her that she should find Zach and get him out of here. And then she remembered what she promised himto show him a place of no regret, no shame and no fear.
She took the key from S?rens hand.
I see Hes not finished making you suffer, S?ren said.
Nora didnt reply. Closing her fingers around the key so tightly the teeth bit fiercely into her hand, she slipped from the room and into a back hallway. Nora felt S?rens eyes on her. She didnt look back.
20
Zach followed Griffin to the balcony section of the bar. Leaning over the railing, they studied the show below.
A lovely dark-haired woman with sinister-looking chopsticks in her hair and wearing a kimono stood on a platform below them. She twined a black rope around a shapely red-haired girl who stood calm and naked next to her.
Thats Lady Noy. Shes the queen of Asian Rope Bondage around here. Griffin pointed out two women down in the pit. And that babe shes tying up is Alyssa Petrosky.
Petrosky? The name sounded vaguely familiar.
Yeah, that Petrosky. Shes the governors stepdaughter. Shes a pretty infamous submissive down here. Really into exhibitionism.
I can see that. Zach marveled as Lady Noy finished her work and hoisted the girl into the air with a complicated rope and pulley system. The girl lay back in an elegant asymmetrical arch and seemed completely at peace with both her nudity and her bondage.
And thats Agent Byershes high-level FBI, Griffin said, pointing out a man strapped to a cross and being flogged by a woman half his age. And a sub, too.
Are you allowed to tell me all this?
What? Youre going to tell someone? No one would believe you if you did tell. And if you spill a word, Kingsley Edge will destroy you. He watches all our backsits part of the membership fee. Id bet you my bank account that hes already got a file on you.
On me? Are you serious? Zach asked. He remembered how Nora seemed to know so much about him at their first meeting.
You get within five feet of Nora and you get a file. And it sounds like youve been a helluva lot closer than five feet.
Im hardly blackmail material, Zach protested.
Really? Anybody out there youd prefer not know that Nora blew you?
Zach flushed and said nothing. Yes, there certainly was.
Point taken, Zach said.
You gotta know, ZachNoras not just some smut writer with a wild sex life. Shes the motherfucking queen of the Underground. And Kingsley Edge is, obviously, our king.
And him? What is he? Zach didnt even want to say S?rens name.
Hes whatevers higher than a king and queen.
An emperor? Zach guessed.
Griffin smirked. A god.
A god, Zach repeated and looked down at the worshippers beneath them. The FBI agent Griffin spoke about was now being dragged from his cross and the woman in leather wrapped a collar around his neck and attached a leash to it. She led him on his hands and knees across the floor.
I cant believe you put collars on human beings, Zach said with renewed disgust.
The collar is everything down here. Subs love their collars.
Do all submissives wear collars?
Not all of them. House submissives, those are subs that work here at the Circle, wear house collars to show theyre on the payroll. They look like this, Griffin said, pointing at the collar he wore as part of his punishment. Where a dog tag usually would be hung a small silver number eight inside a circle. But in private a Dom will use a collar either for utility, for love or both. A collar can be as meaningful as a wedding ring to some couples. Griffin laughed. Holy shityou should have seen Nora and S?ren back when they were still together. Id only been coming here a year before she left him. But I got to see them in their glory days. Collars are leather usually, black or brown, right? Guess what color her collar was?
I dont know. Red?
White, came a voice from behind them. Zach and Griffin turned around and found S?ren watching them in a white collar of his own. What else would it have been?
* * *
The halls and stairways of the 8th Circle were a labyrinth to most, but Nora knew them better than her own home. She could have found her way around blindfolded. A few times in the past shed had to. She turned corner after corner and descended a small staircase to the lowest level of the building. At the end of the quiet hallway stood a door identical to all the others except this door and its knob were painted completely white.
Nora stood before the door and took slow, deep breaths. She couldnt even imagine who or what waited behind the door. The White Room was reserved only for the highest-level Dominantsnot even Griffin had earned White Room privileges yet.
Slowly, she opened the door and hung her riding crop on the knob outside to show it was occupied. The White Room door had a lock, one of the few at the Circle that did, but Nora knew better than to lock herself in with a stranger. Shed learned that the hard way.
Nora took a cautious step inside. At the center of the room stood an iron four-poster bed heaped with luxurious white linens and pillows and surrounded by a semitranslucent white bed-curtain. For all its pretensions of purity and innocence, Nora knew for a fact that some of the most lurid sex acts in the history of the world had been performed in this room.
She crept to the bed and pushed the bed-curtain back. In the center of the bed lay a young man sleeping on his side. Nora studied him for a moment as her heart beat ferociously in her chest. He appeared to be about seventeen years old. He had straight black hair that fell past his shoulders and the longest, darkest eyelashes shed even seen on a boy. They rested on his pale cheeks and fluttered in his sleep. Her eyes roamed down his body. He wore a frayed T-shirt, jeans with tears in the knees and white socks, one with a hole in the toe. Hed taken off his shoes but not his watch. It was leather and as wide as a bondage cuff. Hed covered his other wrist with a black wristband. He appeared tall but his hands and feet seemed disproportionately large. He hadnt finished growing yet. Nora sighed and cursed S?ren with everything within her. The boyher giftwas inexpressibly lovely.
Nora leaned forward and brushed an errant strand of hair off the boys cheek and tucked it behind his ear.
Oh, S?ren, she said as she sighed to herself. You shouldnt have.
* * *
Zach searched for a suitable reply. He found himself strangely speechless in S?rens presence. The priest seemed to find Zachs discomfort amusing.
Wheres Nora, sir? Griffin asked for him.
She will be occupied for some time with Circle business. While shes off, I thought I should entertain her guest for her, S?ren said with a magnanimous air.
But Nora told me I had to stay
S?rens hand snaked out with the subtle speed of a cobra and grabbed Griffin by the throat. Zach stepped forward but Griffin shot him a warning look. At least it appeared Griffin could still breathe.
Mr. Easton, may I call you Zachary?
Zach attempted to tamp down his nervousness before answering.
Do I call you Father S?ren? Or sir?
I understand you arent Catholic. And you arent part of this community. You may call me S?ren, of course. Would you care for a tour?
Zach sensed that Noras priest desired his company for a reason or reasons he didnt care to find out. But he decided to use it as a bargaining chip.
Will you let Griffin go? Zach asked.
S?ren seemed to find this amusing.
Id hardly be a sufficient tour guide with a corpse in my hand, would I?
Zach glanced worriedly at Griffin who thankfully still seemed calm even as the priest continued to hold him in his vicious grip.
I suppose not. A tour would be fine.
S?ren let Griffin go. Zach noted that on Griffins neck right under his jawline were distinct red impressions of the priests fingers. Shall we then?
Reluctantly, Zach left Griffin at the balcony. As flirtatious as the young man was, Zach far preferred his genial company to Noras priest.
Whats Nora doing? Zach asked as S?ren guided him from the balcony to an unmarked exit at the opposite end of the bar.
Eleanor is doing what she is always doing, Zacharyanything she wants to.
* * *
At Noras touch the sleeping boys eyelashes fluttered open. She bit her bottom lip to stifle a laugh as the boy scrambled into a sitting position.
Its all right. Dont be scared, she said as if talking to a frightened animal. Its only a dream.
He looked at her with silver eyes moon-wide. His face flushed and he pulled his knees tight to his chest.
Do you talk? she asked.
Not usually. He raked his hands through his long hair and shoved it behind his ears.
You can talk me to me. You can say anything you want to me. I want you to. Do you understand?
The boy nodded and Nora nodded back. She was gratified to hear a small, nervous laugh.
Okay, I understand.
Good boy. Do you know who I am?
He nodded again and Nora raised her eyebrow.
Yes. Father S., he told me about you, that he knew you.
What did he tell you? Nora asked.
He said you were an old friend of his. I mean, not old
Weve known each other a long time, she said, coming to his rescue.
Right. And he said you were the most beautiful woman who ever lived.
Nora blushed slightly. What else did he tell you?
The boy inhaled sharply and met her eyes.
He said youd help me.
Nora cocked her head slightly. She reached out and touched the top of his foot.
Do you need help?
The young man didnt answer at first.
Slowly, the boy relaxed his arms from around his legs. He started to take off his watch but his fingers fumbled too much and he exhaled in exasperation.
Sorry, he said.
Here. Let me.
The boy tenuously stretched out his arm. Nora unbuckled his watch and nearly gasped when she discovered why he wore a watch with such a wide band.
Down the center of his wrist stretched a white scar and the crosshatch outline of stitches. He held out his other arm and slid off his wristband and showed her the matching scar and stitches. The wounds appeared fully healed. With her knowledge of scars she guessed his suicide attempt had been around a year ago.
Why? she asked.
My dad, he caught me He took a hard breath. I had stuff in my room he found. He saw the bruises and burns. He said he refused to have a sicko for a son. He left a couple of months later. Momshes not okay anymore.
That isnt your fault, Nora said. Your fathers the sicko, not you. And he left for his own reasons. My familys fucked up, too.
I know. Father S. told me that, too. He said we had a lot in common. I couldnt believe it when he told me he knew you.
You knew who I was before he told you?
Yeah, he said, blushing. Ive read your books.
Nora ran her hands up and down the boys forearms. She traced the scars with her fingertips.
He said if I went a whole year without hurting myself, then he would let me meet you, the boy said in a whisper. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me from trying again.
Noras heart dropped. She hated how much S?rens unusual mercies made her feel in one breath all eighteen years of her love for him. She looked up and met the boys eyes. They shone like polished silver; his pupils dilated.
Whats your name? she asked.
Michael.
MichaelMichael was Gods chief archangel. Michael, has anyone ever told you that youre beautiful?
He blushed and shook his head. No.
You are, angel. Nora reached out and ran her hand through his long black hair. Michael sighed with pleasure and closed his eyes. He opened them again when Nora pulled her hand away.
At the back of her mind Nora knew Zach was out there alone with S?ren, but she wouldnt rush this moment or this scared boy, not for the world. She knew she shouldnt be here, knew she shouldnt have left Zach at S?rens mercy. But she remembered how S?ren had saved her a lifetime of misery when hed told her what she was, what she could be. She understood why Michael had tried to kill himself. Shed never been tempted to kill herself but she couldnt deny S?ren had saved her life a time or two. As Nora studied Michael she told herself it was her duty to stay, to help him any way she could.
Michael, Im going to take your virginity tonight.
If she had any doubts that the boy was too young, too fragile, they evaporated when he looked back at her and met her eyes without blinking and for the first time without fear.
Father S. said thats what you would do.
* * *
Noras priest proved to be a somewhat taciturn tour guide. Zach sensed S?ren was waiting for him to speak, testing to see how long hed remain silent. Nora must have learned that trick from him. Zach followed him through the bar exit and down several long hallways and corridors. Although S?ren said little, Zach was not left in silence. Many of the doors hung open and Zach could see what was happening inside the rooms. They passed another door, this one closed, and Zach heard a woman scream. He stopped, unsure what to do, but S?ren, who had surely heard the scream, as well, continued as if such a sound was commonplace and beneath his notice. Which it probably was.
They turned another corner.
I know what youre trying to do, Zach finally said. Trying to intimidate me with the personal tour of hell. Noras already told me shes a Dominant. Shes told me everything. I know youre just trying to scare me away from her. It wont work.
S?ren smiled coldly and Zach realized that the man was untouchable.
Eleanor does seem very forthcoming, doesnt she? Shes always followed the philosophy that the best place to hide is in plain sight. But I take offense at your insinuation. I would never try to dissuade you from being with the woman you most desire. Eleanor is the woman you most desire, isnt she?
Zach didnt answer. He tried to stare S?ren down but the priest only smiled and kept walking.
We have more to see. Come along.
Reluctantly Zach followed.
You may ask any questions you like, Zachary.
Your voice, Zach said, wondering if the priest would answer questions about himself. You have an English accent. A very faint one, but its there.
Very good, S?ren said with approval. You would notice. Most Americans dont. They simply assume Im overeducated. I was born in America, but I attended school as a child in England. My father was English. And he was evil. I pray daily that it is only the trace of his accent Ive inherited.
You seduced a young woman in your congregation. You dont think thats at all evil?
Since I became a priest, Eleanor is the only woman with whom Ive been sexually intimate. No children, either, I assure you. But you are welcome to ask Eleanor if she ever once felt taken advantage of or abused. I believe youll find her answer enlightening.
Why do you keep calling her that? Zach couldnt reconcile his Nora with the priests Eleanor. She changed her name to Nora years ago.
She was born Eleanor and it was Eleanor with whom I fell in love. She has made decisions in her life that I do not approve of these past five years. I prefer to remember her for who she was, not for what shes become. She can forsake her name and her past. I never will.
S?rens words stirred another memory. She hasnt forsaken it, Zach told him, wanting to prove he knew something about Nora the priest didnt. Not entirely. I went to one of her book-signings not long ago. She was reading to some children. They called her Ellie. Zach glanced at S?rens face, but other than a glint of a smile, the revelation seemed to have no impact on him.
Yes, well, S?ren said as they passed under an archway into another hall, Eleanor always did have a way with children.
* * *
Nora slipped off the bed and brought Michael with her. She bade him stand still while she knelt down and reached under the bed. She pulled out a metal briefcase, entered the numeric combination and snapped the locks open.
Are you scared? she asked.
A little. Michael looked down at her.
Here, Ill give you something to help with the fear. Its called a safe word.
Ive read about safe wordsin your books.
Good. Since youre an angel, yours will be wings.
Wings, he repeated.
She dug through the briefcase for all the supplies she neededrope, condoms, scissors. If at any point you want to stop everything and just go home, you can say wings and were done. Weve all safed out. Its completely okay.
Nora shut the suitcase and slid it back under the bed. She rose up and faced him. With him in his bare feet and her in her high heels, they were almost the same height.
Lets practice, she said. Im going to ask you to do something and youre going to say your safe word to stop everything. Okay?
Okay.
Nora took a step back and looked him up and down.
Take your clothes off, she ordered. Michael raised his arm and grasped the neck of his T-shirt.
Wait, she said and he stopped. Youre supposed to say your safe word, angel.
He lowered his arm slowly.
But what if I dont want to?
Nora grinned at him and came so close to him she could almost hear his heart pounding in his chest.
Then dont.
Michael raised his arm again and stripped out of his T-shirt. He bent over and pulled off his socks. When he got to the top button of his jeans, his courage seemed to fail him.
Here. Let me help, she said. Nora reached out and laid her hands flat on his stomach. They traveled down to his waistband and to the buttons. She made quick work of them and slipped a hand into his pants.
No underwear, she said, and Michael blushed again. You really are one of us, arent you?
His mouth was near her ear. I want to be. He shuddered as Nora took him in her hand. She stroked his hard length before releasing him to pull his jeans all the way down.
Michael stepped out of his jeans and stood naked in front of her.
Do you know what these are? she asked from the floor.
Cuffs, he said.
Very good. Bondage cuffs. Two sets. One set for your ankles. She clasped the first one around his left ankle and then his right before standing up again. And one set for your wrists. Youll like these.
Michael held out his arms. Nora took his left arm in her hand. She raised it to her lips and slowly kissed the scar on his wrist. He breathed in as her mouth met his ravaged skin. She buckled the cuff around his wrist and kissed the scar on the other. She buckled his other wrist and took a step back.
He examined the cuffs on his wrists. He looked down at the cuffs on his ankles. Michael met her eyes. In his face she saw herself at age eighteen when S?ren first began her training. That moment when he first revealed to her what she would become to him, how he would possess her completely when the time camelooking down at her bound wrists and ankles; it was the first time she knew what love looked like.
Thank you, Michael breathed.
Nora coughed a hint.
Thank youmistress.
21
S?ren brought Zach to another hallwaythis one strangely silent and empty. Although quiet, it was far more colorful and elaborate than the other more nondescript hallways and rooms S?ren had shown him. Here every door was decoratedsome with extravagant S&M scenes, some with startling graffiti. One door had a faux coat of arms painted on ita unicorn fellating a griffin. Zach had no doubt whose room that was. They stopped before a door painted only with words.
Were all mad here, Zach read the famous Alice in Wonderland quote aloud that was scrawled across the door in Gothic lettering. I think shes right.
There is a method to our madness. Sadomasochism was once considered a mental illness. Now for many psychologists it is an object of study rather than derision. One in ten people are said to have experimented with S&Malthough I would be surprised if the number were not higher.
I would be in that nine.
Im sure that will change. Eleanor is nothing if not persuasive. S?ren smiled at him with a smile Zach knew women must find charming but he found alarming.
She wont talk me into this. Zach waved his hand at the ominously closed doors.
Everyone should try it at least once. S&M has a curious effect on those who practice it. S?ren sounded professorial now. The Dominant undergoes a surge of testosterone while the submissive experiences a euphoria that has been likened to the effects of opiates. But for most of us the physical sensations are the least of why we do this.
Why do you do it?
S?ren paused and seemed to consider the question.
To call what Eleanor and I had bliss would insult it. Owning her, dominating her, training her to react to the slightest command, the merest crook of my finger, the barest change in my tone, and to love someone so much that anything less than complete and utter possession is unacceptablethat is the purest joy.
But she left you, Zach reminded him.
Disobedience is as much a proof of authority as obedience. You cannot be a rebel without acknowledging a government. You cannot be a heretic until you are first a believer. And I could leave the priesthood, but I would still be a priest. The church would endure with or without me. Some vows are merely promises. But some are sacraments. Like marriage, S?ren added and met his eyes for a moment. Yes, she did leave me, and I let her go. But she will return. Still, I imagine it isnt simply the mix of pleasure and pain that you find disturbing, is it?
The hierarchy is disturbing. Women being enslaved to men. Women have fought against such treatment for hundreds of years and yet here
Yet here they willingly and bravely choose to explore those aspects of their sexuality that are less than socially acceptable. Another study revealed that a shockingly high percentage of women have rape fantasies. What is the likelihood that your wife is in that minority that has not?
I wont discuss my wifes fantasies with you.
Did you ever discuss them with her? Forgive me. You dont have to answer that, S?ren said in a way that was both offhanded and pointed. Zach knew S?ren wasnt asking for forgiveness at all. Yes, we have a power structure here. Some require a power structure as they are born submissives. Others require a power structure as they are born subversives.
Which is Nora?
Which is she? S?ren smiled. Shortly after Eleanor and I became lovers I introduced her to the blindfold. She loathed it at first.
Why? Zach asked.
Im sure it is nearly impossible for you to imagine a virginal Eleanor, but once she was actually both timid and shy. The loss of her sight during our interludes terrified her. So naturally I employed the blindfold often.
Naturally.
One evening I noticed something strange. Just before I blindfolded Eleanor she would close her eyes. It seemed counterintuitive. Surely someone so afraid of forced blindness would keep her eyes open to drink in every precious second of sight. Then I realized what she was doing. By closing her eyes first she was choosing the darkness, blindfolding herself in a way, and subverting me with her very surrender. Astonishing. I had never been so proud of her. Thats what this place is. This is where we come to close our eyes.
S?ren opened the door with the Alice in Wonderland quote. Zach let S?ren enter the dark room first. When a light appeared Zach stepped inside. S?ren stood by a massive bed piled high with red and gold linens. He had an oil lamp in his hand. The lamp sent lambent light into every corner of the room. It seemed to be only a bedroom, albeit one festooned like a French bordello.
Decadent, isnt it? Eleanor has never learned the meaning of subtle. Perhaps you could help her with that.
So Nora has her own room here?
Yes. The top seven Dominants are given their own quarters for personal use. As you can see, S?ren said, bending down and picking up a white lace garter off the floor and laying it on the rumpled bed, she has been making use of it.
Zach looked at the discarded lingerie and grinned.
WhiteI wouldnt have expected it of Nora. Shes always in red or black.
I doubt it belongs to Eleanor, S?ren said.
Then why Zach began and stopped before he said something foolish. Of course, Nora had been with another woman. He tried to be bothered by the fact, but the images that tiny slip of lace brought to mind evoked feelings distinctly different from disgust.
You appear troubled, Zachary. What is it? S?ren asked, and Zach did not trust the note of concern in the priests voice.
She joked about threesomes with other women. I suppose it wasnt a joke.
S?ren gave him a dark look.
Eleanor is always joking. Eleanor is never joking. Best to learn that as soon as possible. Care to see the rest of the suite?
Suite?
Eleanors earned very posh accommodations here.
S?ren raised the oil lamp to shine a light on a door to the left of the massive bed.
How does one become a top Dominant here? Zach asked as he walked around the bed to the door. As soon as S?rens back was turned, Zach took the white garter off the bed and shoved it in his pocket.
The same way anyone else would ascend to the heights of her chosen field. S?ren opened the door. Practice.
Zach inhaled sharply as he entered the second room of Noras suite.
Good God, he breathed. In the center of the room stood a massive wooden X. Leather thongs were attached to the tops and bottoms of the wood planksa large-scale cross of her very own. Zach had no doubt what Nora used it for. Hed seen the pit, seen a man lashed to it and beaten until he came.
Eyes wide with shock, Zach turned his attention to the walls. On hooks and racks, in rows of military precision hung whips, floggers, bamboo canes, cropsa hundred various instruments of torture. On a small table lay an assortment of spreader bars like the one Nora had in her toy bag at home. He opened a drawer and found cuffs and collars, leashes and leads. In addition to the cross was a large examining table, the kind found in a doctors office. Except this one came equipped with four-point restraints.
S?rens voice came from over his shoulder.
Impressive, isnt it?
No, Zach said. Its appalling.
Really? Such a strong word to describe sensual activities shared between consenting adults.
Hurting people for pleasure? For sexual pleasure?
Holding Eleanor down while she struggled underneath me and begged me to stopthat was beauty.
Rape isnt beautiful.
But you see, it wasnt rape, S?ren said, his tone light and conversational. She enjoyed the struggle, enjoyed feeling overpowered and taken. I take rape very seriously, Zachary. My mother was a rape victim.
Zach turned and looked at S?ren in shocked sympathy. His distrust of the man wavered.
Im sorry, he said with sincerity. That must have been traumatic. For you and her.
It was.
May I ask how old you were when it happened? Zach asked, trying to find the origin of S?rens violent sexual proclivities.
It happened roughly nine months before I was born. But that is neither here nor there. You seem uncomfortable with women fully owning their sexuality.
That isnt true. Women have as much right to their bodies and desires as men. Nora accuses me of being a stuffy Englishman and she isnt far off the mark. But I am no prude.
You say that and yet the thought of a woman allowing herself to be violated appalls you.
Of course it does. There are limits to whats healthy.
Healthyinteresting word choice. Are you much familiar with the disease leprosy?
Zach furrowed his brow at the odd question.
No more so than the next man, I suppose.
I mention it for a reason. S?ren began to make a slow circuit of the room. During my summers at seminary I worked in a leprosy camp in India. There is a disturbing amount of misinformation about the disease. The idea that it is the disease that infects the limbs and causes them to rot and fall off? Pure myth. Leprosy, Hansens disease as it should be called, is a disease of the nerves. It destroys the nerves that experience pain. And once the ability to feel pain is gone, then it is a simple matter to burn the hand off while cooking dinner over an open fire, or to step on a small nail and not realize it until a doctor pulls it from a festering wound a week later. There were mornings, S?ren said as he took a whip from its hook on the wall and examined it, I awoke to the sound of screams. Without the capacity for pain it is all too easy to slumber in peace as a rat chews off your fingers in the night.
Pain is a necessary evil, Zach said, fighting off the chills produced by S?rens hypnotic speech. But still an evil.
Pain is a gift from God. It imparts understanding, wisdom. Pain is life. And here we give pain as freely as we give pleasure.
Zach watched S?rens hand as he gripped the handle of the whip and coiled it neatly. Every movement the priest made was precise, his fingers as deft as an artists, his muscles lean and taut as a dancer. And on his face he wore an expression of quiet peace, of intelligent disinterest. A true believer, Zach could tell. But a believer in what? Words from Paradise Lost came to Zachs mindBetter to reign in hell than serve in Heaven. Somehow, Zach realized, Noras priest had found a way to do both.
If pain is a sign of love, Zach said as S?ren hung the whip on the wall once more, then I must love a great deal. He thought of Grace now, wondered what she would say if she knew where he was, what he was doing.
S?rens eyes found his and the look he gave Zach was one of the most profound compassion.
I am certain that you do.
Zach held the priests gaze as long as he could, but the moment grew too intimate and Zach turned away. A good priest, Griffin had called S?ren. He was certainly adept at inspiring confessions.
A mural adorned the fourth wall of the room. Zach picked up the oil lamp and threw light against the familiar monster on the wall.
The lesson of the Jabberwocky, Zach said, studying its line and angles. S?ren came to stand at his side. I saw a book at Noras. The Jabberwocky. You, I presume it was you, wrote, Never forget the lesson of the Jabberwocky inside it. But its a nonsense poem. It has no lesson.
But it does, S?ren countered. A handsome prince fights a terrible, beautiful dragon and slays him then carries the head home strapped to his saddle. The lesson is obvious. When one is a monster, one does well to beware knights in shining armor. A good lesson for Eleanor.
Zach heard the meaning behind S?rens words. Nora is not a monster. Shes not perfect obviously. But shes a good person, and to call her a monster is ridiculous.
You know her that well, do you? S?ren asked, turning to face him full-on. Before tonight she scared you, didnt she? Her fearlessness, her brazenness, Im sure its terrifying at first. Foreign to those who lead the proverbial life of quiet desperation as I imagine you do. She scared you with the sheer force of her life and being. But now you look around and think her courage is merely a byproduct of her damage. You imagine I abused her, changed her. And you would save her, as Wesley imagines he can? You would be her knight in shining armor? Yes, before you feared her and now you pity her. I assure you, Zachary, you were right the first time.
* * *
This was her favorite part.
Nora ordered Michael to lie on his back in the middle of the bed. She pulled out from under the bed a silver spreader bar. She laid the bar, a length of rope and a pair of scissors on the bed next to Michaels hip. She lit three candles and let them burn on the table next to the bed.
Dont be scared, angel, she said. You are completely safe here. You have your safe word. You can stop this at any time. You dont have to do anything but lie there and take what I give you. Do you understand?
Michael eyed the scissors warily. He took a deep breath.
Yes, mistress. I understand.
Nora took two snap hooks and locked Michaels ankles to each end of the bar. She threaded rope through the buckle on his ankle cuffs, tied the cuff to the bedpost and neatly snipped off the excess rope. She came to the head of the bed and took each of Michaels wrists in her hands. She spread him out like an X and tied him down. He could move neither his hands nor his feet. She bent and bit the soft skin above his wrista shiver passed through his body. His eyes looked to the ceiling and stared placidly at nothing. Nora knew that look, had worn it herself a thousand nights in S?rens bed.
Michael, stay with me.
Im here. His eyes focused again on her face. She knew how easy it was to disappear into the moment. But she wanted him to remember it, to be with her every step of the way.
Good boy. How do you feel?
Michael tugged on his bonds but not in a struggle. He seemed simply to take pleasure in their existence.
Free, he said and she knew exactly what he meant.
Nora slipped off the bed and unzipped her skirt and let it fall to the floor. She crawled back onto the bed and sat next to Michaels hips. She ran her hands over his skinsmooth and cool to the touch. She caressed his face, stroked his arms and lingered along his inner thighs.
Finally, when it seemed he could wait no longer, she straddled his hips, took him in her hand and guided him inside her.
Michael arched underneath her as she wrapped herself around him. She watched as his eyes closed in shocked wonder and opened again darkened with knowledge. He gasped as she pushed and clenched her muscles tight around him. She bent over, dipping her mouth to his, his lips eager and artless and tasting of snow. She remembered the last kiss S?ren gave her before he penetrated her the first time. Such pleasure coupled with such painthe pain, like the flash of a camera, rendering the moment forever fixed in her mind. Michael would remember this moment, too. She would make sure of it.
She pushed against him again and let herself enjoy his body inside hers. Closing her eyes for a moment, she imagined someone else under her, inside her, someone with blond hair instead of black, someone with brown eyes instead of silverNora felt her climax start to build and she pushed it back and opened her eyes.
Rising up, she reached for the candle burning beside the bed. She brought it to her carefully, not letting any of the wax drop. Michaels eyes followed the glowing wick as Nora held it over the center of his panting chest.
And now how do you feel? she asked, rocking her hips to evoke another gasp.
Michael turned his gaze from the candle to her face. He wore an expression of fearful trust, of trusting fear.
Safe, he said.
Nora smiled down at him and let the scalding wax fall.
* * *
S?ren doused Noras oil lamp and shut the door behind them. Zach followed Noras priest down another set of stairs and hallways. He stopped in front of one of the doors but did not move to open it. They faced each other across an invisible threshold.
Why did you bring me down here? Zach asked.
I thought you needed to see what Eleanor is. You thought you knew her until tonight.
I do know her.
No, you merely think you know her. Its one of her best tricks. She flirts, she teases, she confesses everything but reveals nothing. Its the oldest magicians tricksmoke and mirrors, misdirection. You are absolutely certain shes here S?ren snapped his fingers at Zachs right ear when all the while shes right over here.
Zach looked at S?rens right hand and saw the priest holding up his wallet.
Nice trick. Zach snatched his wallet and shoved it back into his pocket. But I think I know Nora better than that.
Do you really? Tell me, what do you think her darkest secret is?
You, Zach answered. She was once lovers with a Catholic priest. I know that now and I couldnt care less.
Me? Her darkest secret? Hardly. She keeps me a secret for my sake, not hers.
Weve all done things were ashamed of. Everyone has a past.
Eleanor has a past, yes. But she has a present, too.
Zach took a step forward and with more courage than he knew he had within him stared Noras priest down.
Youre jealous, Zach said.
Am I? The idea seemed to amuse him.
Yes, because shes found a life outside of you and away from here. She told me you want her back. But she wont come back. She loved you once. But now youre just a game shes tired of playing.
I assure you the game has only begun.
Zach didnt back down.
This game youre playing with me is over. Show me anything you want to show me. Tell me all the horror stories youve got. But I know what Nora Sutherlin is.
Do you? What is she?
A writer.
Yes, she certainly is. And a very talented one. But a writer is not all she is, Zachary.
I dont care about her private life. Whatever you say, shes no monster.
S?ren sighed and Zach saw something unexpected in the mans eyes, something like sympathy.
No, you are right. She is no monster, S?ren said, turning his attention to the door. Zach followed the priests gaze. Unlike all the others the knob on this door was painted white and from it hung a familiar-looking riding cropblack with white braiding. And from within the room came a faint sound, a whimper of pain both poignant and plaintive like the cry of a child. Zach found S?rens eyes on him. But she is no saint, either.
22
Zach heaved a sigh of relief when they returned to the bar at the end of his tour of the 8th Circle. S?ren led him to a table elevated on a platform at the corner of the room farthest from the balcony. Clearly it was the best table in the house and reserved for S?ren alone. When he and Zach took their seats, a small army of attendants, Griffin included, rushed the table to serve them.
Care for a drink? S?ren asked as he reached out to casually stroke the hair and collared neck of the lovely young woman who waited at his feet.
Im afraid Ive reached my two drink maximum.
S?ren gave him a slight smile. I do have some sway here.
Another G&T.
Of course. S?ren leaned forward and the young woman rose up on her knees. He cupped his hand around her face and whispered something in her ear. She blushed, smiled and whispered something in reply. S?ren paused and seemed to consider her words. He turned his head, whispered again and the girl rose and hurried to the bar.
May I ask what that was about?
Simply giving her our drink order. S?ren snapped his fingers at Griffin and pointed to the floor. Immediately Griffin went down on his hands and knees at S?rens feet displaying for them a perfectly flat back.
Giving her our drink order required hushed whispering? Zach asked.
Not at all, S?ren said with dark amusement glimmering in his steel-colored eyes. But even a drink order can be an intimate act when done properly. He raised his legs, resting his feet on Griffins back. The girl returned with Zachs gin and tonic and a glass of red wine for the priest. S?ren took the glass from her hand and pressed a kiss inside her palm. After another brief exchange of whispers, the girl floated off. Zach raised an eyebrow at him.
Just saying a simple thank-you, S?ren explained.
Zach glanced down as Griffin looked up at him and winked. He started to argue with S?rennothing about him seemed remotely simplebut at that moment Nora entered the bar through the side door and strode toward their table.
Rarely in his life had Zach been so glad to see someone. He ran his eyes up and down hershe seemed completely unharmed by whatever activity had distracted her for the past hour. She gave S?ren the most perfunctory of curtsies and stepped onto the platform, ignoring Griffins attempts to bite her ankles. She collapsed dramatically onto Zachs lap and Zach wrapped an arm around her waist. Such possessive alpha male maneuvers were never his style, but he couldnt resist showing S?ren that he and Nora werent completely in his thrall.
Where have you been, my dear? Zach wanted to see how S?ren would react to outright flirtation. He dropped a kiss on her bare shoulder.
Sorry that took so long. Nora took a quick drink of Zachs gin and tonic. Had to do a favor for a friend.
Zach breathed in and recognized a sweet and heady scent on her skina familiar scent that Graces skin had carried after theyd made love. She hadnt been with S?ren, he knew. Or GriffinZach remembered the lingerie in his pocket and wondered if shed run off with another woman.
Quite all right, Eleanor. S?ren dipped his middle finger into his wine and delicately ran the wet tip slowly around the rim of the glass. I kept your guest entertained in your absence.
Nora shot Griffin a dirty look, but Griffin only shrugged a helpless apology from the floor.
Well, Zach and I both had a long night then, she said to S?ren. Leaning back against Zachs chest, she asked, You ready to go?
Absolutely, Zach said and stared at S?ren. Zach saw no jealousy in S?rens eyes, but no mercy, either. Zach realized he could never win in a game with this man, especially not on his territory.
With your permission, sir, she said to S?ren.
Of course. I will show you out.
That wont be necessary. Zach stood by Nora and took her hand. She moved her fingers in his grip, wrapping them tightly around his thumb.
I insist, S?ren said. Nora squeezed Zachs hand in a warning. Apparently S?ren was not to be denied.
S?ren stepped to the floor and set his glass of wine on Griffins back, balancing it on the flat plane between his shoulder blades. Stay, S?ren ordered Griffin who stayed stiff and motionless on the floor. S?ren offered Nora his arm and Zach was pleased to feel her reluctance to let him go.
S?ren and Nora led as Zach followed closely behind. They went back down the elevator and across the pit where the play had grown louder as more Circle denizens had joined in. Zach expected S?ren to leave them at the elevator, but the priest entered it with them, taking a key and inserting it under the down button. The doors closed and the elevator ascended. The door opened onto the first entry hallway and Zach stepped out.
Excuse us, Zachary, S?ren said, still inside the elevator. I need another word with Eleanor.
S?ren flicked his wrist and the doors closed once more leaving Zach alone in the empty hall.
* * *
S?ren, let me out, Nora demanded. Zach and I want to get home.
He can wait. We have things to discuss.
We have nothing to discuss.
Not even Michael?
Nora sighed. There was no point in fighting S?ren.
Yes, of course. Michael was lovely. Thank you very much.
You are certainly welcome. I take it Michael is no longer a virgin?
No, of course not.
S?ren nodded. How funny.
What is? Nora said, exasperated.
Tonight you took the virginity of a boy youve never metand yet you still think you can keep Wesley safe from you.
Its different. Michaels obviously one of us. Wes is vanilla. Michaels a sub. Michael was born
Michael was born fifteen years ago.
Nora could only gape at him.
You gave me an underage boy for our anniversary? she breathed in shock.
S?ren smiled and moved closer to her. She backed into the farthest corner of the elevator.
Yes, I did. He stroked her face with the back of his hand. Which you would have known had you asked. But I knew you wouldnt ask. And so tell me again how safe Wesley is with you.
You bastard. She tried to turn her face away from his hand but she had nowhere to go. God, youll do anything to make a point, wont you?
Yes, but it wasnt for that reason alone. I had to give him some incentive to stay alive.
And I was the incentive?
S?ren brushed her hair with the back of his hand. You have kept me alive all these years.
Nora shook her head, moved away from his hand.
I will do whatever I can to protect you even if Im only protecting you from yourself. You are a creature of appetite. You take what you desire without thought or remorse. And that is how God created you and it is much of why I love you. But do not stand there and claim to be otherwise. Not with me. I know you. You must make a choice, little onebring Wesley into this world with you or let him go.
I wont do either. And he stays with me for as long as he wants to.
S?ren stared her down with a look of pure skepticism.
Fine, she said. I admit it. I cant be trusted with him. But it doesnt matter because he can be trusted with me.
Wesleyyou dont even know him. The things he has kept from you
Wes is perfect the way he is. I dont care if he has secrets. Hell tell me when hes ready. I wont ask him to change.
S?ren turned away from her.
Of course you wont. God forbid you allow anyone to make any kind of sacrifice for you. Because if Wesley changed for you, then you would be indebted to him. And you wont allow that. You are so in love with your own profligate freedom that you refuse to even be grateful to another person lest you be weighed down by the smallest shred of guilt or obligation. S?ren faced her again. Your obsession with your own liberty is why Wesley is still a virgin and I am still a priest.
Nora raised her hands to her face. Dont bring that up. Please.
I offered to leave the priesthood for you and instead you left me.
You never wanted to leave, Nora said, facing him angrily. You just wanted to keep me any way you could. I couldnt let you give up your life for me.
Nora tried to pull away as S?ren reached out for her hands. But his grip proved too strong. He moved her hands away from her face and looked at her.
You are now and always my life. His voice was so soft and true that she couldnt even look back at him.
You love being a priest. The priesthood is a sacrament. You cant quit it. Its who you are.
Yes, I love it. Yes, its who I am. And yes, I was willing to give it up so we could be together. But you couldnt allow that.
I still wont. And I wont turn Wes into something he doesnt want to be, either. You say its because I refuse to be indebted to anyone. I say its because I wont let you two fuck up your lives for me.
And we have no say in this?
Nora finally found the courage to meet his eyes. Even after five years, no, eighteen years, she still couldnt look at his face without falling in love with him even more. Time sharpened the edge of her love for him. It cut into her more and more with each passing year.
No, she said. You dont. And neither does Wes. Whatever he wants to do or be, thats his decision. I dont own him. And you dont own me.
S?ren rose to his full height. What charity had been in his eyes was now gone. He put his hand on the elevator key but did not turn it.
I have seen both hell and purgatory. I assure you, purgatory is the more fearsome punishment.
I can be me and be with Wes, too. I dont have to choose.
You will eventually. You will have to choose between this life or the one Wesley promises. You think because youre a Switch in the bedroom, you can be a Switch in all aspects of your life. You will have to decide one day if youre a professional writer, or just a professional who writes. And whatever you decide, you must tell Zachary who you really are. If you care about him at all, he must know.
Nora growled. S?ren was merciless tonight.
Im surprised you didnt tell him. I know you were trying to scare him off.
Only testing his courage to see if he was worthy of you. He impressed me, but still hes quite in love with his wife. Ill allow him to hurt you, Eleanor, but if he dares harm you, I will not be happy with him.
Nora repressed a shiver of fear. Shed seen S?ren not happy with someone whod hurt her before.
I appreciate the chivalry. I think I can handle Zach on my own.
S?ren cupped the side of her face and forced her to meet his eyes.
Marriage is a sacrament, too, Eleanor. If Zachary offers to finally leave his wife for you, will you run from him as you ran from me?
I told youI didnt run from you.
You cant have him and Wesley. Neither of them will allow that.
I dont have Wesley. The kids been with me for over a year and hes still a virgin. Obviously I dont have him.
You have him as much as I had you even when you were still a virgin. You believe he remains celibate because of his faith?
Of course he does.
Wesley is celibate now for the same reason I was celibate eighteen years ago.
Nora scoffed. What? Because hes a priest?
No, S?ren said, leaning in to meet her eye to eye. Because hes waiting for you to grow up.
Noras spine stiffened in fury. She took a deep breath and met S?rens eyes. You dont own me anymore, S?ren. She said the words slowly, carefully, enunciating one syllable at a time. Now, she said, shoving her anger down, is there anything else, sir?
No. There is nothing else. Youve made up your mind about him. You wont let him go. And you wont turn him into one of us. And so you will let him turn you into the one thing you most fear becoming.
What? Happy?
Boring.
Nora gasped and raised her hand to slap S?rens perfect face. But shed forgotten how fast he could strike. He grabbed her by the wrist before she could touch him. He pressed her flat back against the elevator. Pinning her right hand above her head while his free hand slipped through the slit in her skirt. Hard and fast he shoved two fingers deep inside her.
Stop, she ordered but he only pushed deeper. She panted and cursed him, hating him for how well he knew her body. His probing fingers found her most secret places and dragged her to the edge.
You were a child when I fell in love with you, S?ren said into her ear. His warm breath on her neck sent shivers through her whole body. Youre still a child.
I dont want this, she said, even as her body betrayed her. Her inner muscles clenched tight around his fingers, her body grew wetter and wetter with each deft movement of his hand.
I have kept nothing from you. I gave you everything I am. I have risked my calling for you. I will not allow you to destroy yourself.
How am I destroying myself? She gasped the words. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. By loving someone else?
By denying yourself. You dont love him. You only love that he loves you. This is what you love. S?ren turned his hand and slipped a third finger inside her. His thumb found her clitoris and rubbed it. Giving yourself to me completely. Tell me this isnt who you really are.
It isnt, she said even as she spread her legs wider and pushed her hips into his hand again and again.
Liar. S?ren punctuated his word with a dexterous twist of his fingers, and Nora came hard on his hand, gasping with each sharp, spiking contraction. She leaned against him as the pleasure waned, and he stroked her hair. For a moment she let herself forget she didnt belong to him anymore.
Nora stood up straight as S?ren pulled his hand out of her. He took a black handkerchief out of his pocket and began casually wiping off his fingers.
I hate you sometimes. Nora said the words without venom or remorse.
S?ren reached out and caressed her burning face.
Youve been saying that since you were fifteen.
You want me to pick you over Wes, she said, shaking her head. I wont do it.
S?ren leaned in again. His hand moved to her neck, his mouth brushing her shoulder.
The choice was never Wesley or me, he said, cupping her breast. Nora felt a rising panic. If she didnt stop him he would take her here on the floor with Zach just outside. If she didnt stop herself, she would let him. The choice is Wesley or you.
S?ren gripped her by the neck. His fingers dug into her soft skin. It hurt and yet for all the world she didnt want it to stop. She wanted him to shove her onto the floor, wanted him to hurt her, bruise her, mark her and take everything from herbut she remembered her promise to Wesley, felt a new panic at the thought of losing him. The house would be so empty without him
Nora pressed close to him. She would never want anyone as she wanted S?ren.
Jabberwocky, she whispered into S?rens ear.
S?rens hands were off her in an instant. Even she was shocked that shed spoken the word. In all their years together, this was only the second time shed safed out.
S?ren looked at her. She expected to see fury but he seemed strangely pleased.
Let me go, S?ren, she said, too tired to fight him anymore. Im on my own now. I love who I love and I fuck who I fuck.
S?ren reached for the key again but did not turn it.
You love whom you love. You fuck whom you fuck. I see you do need your editor after all. Go. With an arrogant smirk he flipped the key and opened the door. Nora rushed out and into Zachs waiting arms.
Arent you forgetting something, Eleanor? S?ren called out after her. Nora grimaced and took a deep breath. She tried smiling at Zach before she turned back to S?ren, now standing on the threshold between the hallway and the elevator.
Returning to him, she bobbed the necessary curtsy. But it was not enough for S?ren. He took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. His fingers were still damp from being inside her.
My little one he breathed, turning his face so that his cheek pressed against her forehead. He had done that so many times to her. How many? A million? It never failed to make her forgive him. She met his eyes and smiled, her anger momentarily forgotten. He was still too powerful a force in her life to leave things unfinished between them. She pulled away reluctantly, wondering if she would have to spend the rest of her life leaving this man.
Oh, cloro al clero. She sighed and S?ren laughed. It was the real laugh she heard so rarely these days and missed so much. She smiled back and returned to Zach with only the hint of regret in her heart.
Zach still waited patiently for her. Something had indeed changed in him during his time with S?ren. She reached out for her coat, but Zach gave her his hand instead and pulled her close to him. Just because she could, she unwrapped the white scarf from around Zachs bicep. Zach looked down at her and she winked. She tossed the white scarf at S?rens feet. S?ren glanced down at the scarf and then up at her again.
How easily you forgive, Eleanor. S?ren stared at them with his wise and all-knowing eyes. How freely you absolve the sins of others. Tell me, little one, when the time comes, how will you absolve yours?
Nora had no answer. S?ren merely smiled again and took a step back into the elevator. The doors closed and S?ren descended into the pit below.
Hell was due for another harrowing.
23
Zach greeted the cool March night air with gratitude as they exited the stifling atmosphere of the club and returned to the parking garage.
Im sorry, Zach, Nora said as they reached the car. I should have warned you about S?ren.
I can understand now why you were reluctant to. It must have been very difficult to have a relationship with himfor so many reasons.
Nora threw her coat in the car. Tell me about it. It was like being with a married guy, except this guy happens to be married to God and the entire Catholic Church. Thats a lot of competition.
Im glad you left him. Hes Zach searched for the right word terrifying.
Thought I was terrifying.
You were. Then I met him.
Youve never met a Jesuit before, have you?
Zach gave her a blank look.
S?ren was trained as a Jesuit. Theyre an infamous militant religious order. Otherwise known as Gods Marines. They used to eat Protestant heretics, Nora said with a dark grin. But these days theyre known more for their rather liberal stance on abortion, homosexuality andpriestly celibacy.
Very liberal stance, I see. Are you sure hes on Gods side? Zach asked.
Nora laughed. Very sure. And believe me, Gods relieved that he is. But dont overreact. S?ren was just fucking with your head. Its his favorite part of the body to fuck with. Well, maybe second favorite.
I cant believe youre defending him.
Well, he was defending me.
Zach looked at her. What do you mean?
Back there with you. Hes worried youre going to hurt me if you and I get involved. I mean, technically youre still married. S?rens really protective of me still. He wasnt just trying to be a bitch to you, Zach. He was making sure you knew that if you hurt me, youd have to answer to him.
Zach blanched a little. He remembered the day hed had to answer to Graces father about what had happened between them. That had possibly been the second worst day of his life. And Graces father was a teddy bear compared to Noras Father.
Nora, Ill no more answer to him than you should have to. He dragged you away and ordered you around like you were his own personal property. You arent even with him anymore. House rules or not, he has no right to treat you like that.
Nora took her keys out of her coat pocket and held one up.
Here. Want to go back in and tell him that?
Zach stared at the key and remembered the dread he felt around Noras priest.
Yeah, Nora said, spinning the key ring on her finger. I thought so. How about this one? she said, holding up another key.
Is that the key to the Aston Martin? Zach raised an eyebrow.
It is. Forgive me for S?ren? she asked dangling the key.
Zach took the key ring from her hand. Ill forgive you for anything.
Im going to hold you to that, Zach.
Zach slipped in the drivers seat while Nora entered on the passenger side.
You can drive a stick shift, cant you?
Of course. Just havent ever done it on the right side of the road, Zach said and grinned at her.
Zach started the car and felt the engines gentle vibrations run through his body.
Now behave yourself, Nora said. Ive got a friend on the force, but he says hes fixed all the speeding tickets he can for me.
If I get a ticket in an Aston Martin, I plan to frame it and put it on my desk. And with that Zach gunned the engine and spun out of the parking garage.
So what did S?ren say to you tonight? Nora asked. Zach looked at her. She sounded a little too casual.
He did more showing than telling.
I suppose you approved of that. What did you think of my room?
I think you should clean it a little more often, Zach said, pulling the white garter from his pocket and tossing it at Nora. Yours?
Nora laughed as she played with the delicate piece of lace.
I see Sheridan left me a souvenir. Naughty little slut. Too bad shes engaged now or we could have a threesome with her.
Zachs groin tightened a little at the erotic tone in Noras voice. He hated what a stereotypical male he was when it came to the thought of two beautiful women together.
Zach was silent for a few moments as he worked up his courage.
Nora, talking with Griffin this evening
Oh, God, Griffin. Hes the reason gags were invented. What did he say?
He told me about what it was like when you and S?ren were together. About what he did to you. Why did you stay with him so long?
Nora only laughed.
Zach, theres an alley up here on the left. Pull in and park. I want to show you something.
Nervously, Zach obeyed. He turned the car off and looked at Nora. She unbuckled her seat belt and before Zach could react, she had reached across him, reclined his seat and straddled his lap. She ran her hand down his chest and unzipped his pants. Zach inhaled sharply as she took him in her hand.
Im flattered. She grinned at him through the dark. Is this for me or the car?
Nora, I told you
Nora ran her fingers up and down him so possessively he panted.
Pay attention, Zach. Im only going to say this once. Bending close, she bit him lightly on his neck. She kissed a path from his throat to his ear as she stroked him with knowing fingers. I know you want to fuck me. And I know you wish you didnt. So how about we compromise and you can sit here and say, No, Nora, Dont, Nora, Stop, Nora, and Ill ignore all those protests and slide right down on your cock anyway? And Ill do it because no and dont and stop arent your safe word. So you can finally get fucked and still sleep like a baby in your big lonely bed tonight feeling all clean and shiny and virginal because, after all, you did say no and that awful Nora Sutherlin just wouldnt listen.
Zach swallowed hard. He remembered his safe word, knew all he had to do was say it and Nora would stop touching him. He didnt say it. Nora let go of him and grabbed his wrist. She brought his hand between her legs and pushed his thumb and forefinger into her. She was so warm inside Zach groaned aloud.
Im wet, Nora said. And youre hard. Ive got an IUD, no STDs and nowhere I have to be for the rest of my life. I know exactly what Griffin told you S?ren used to do to me. I was there, after all. So yeah, maybe I did beg S?ren to stop beating me, maybe I did scream when he caned me, maybe I did cry out when he slapped me, and maybe I did beg him to not share me with King, maybe I did lie underneath him and cry while he fucked me in the middle of a room full of people, or yanked a fistful of my hair and forced me to go down on him at that very table we were sitting at half an hour ago. But I never said my safe word, the one thing I could have done to stop it. And Ill give you one guess why I didnt stop it.
Unable to stop himself, Zach pushed into her a little deeper, spread his fingers apart a little wider. Nora inhaled, her breath caught in the back of her throat. Zachs free hand held her thigh where her stocking met her bare flesh. He couldnt remember the last time hed been this painfully aroused.
Zach met Noras eyes.
You didnt want to stop it, he said.
Nora nodded at him. You can be taught. Zach, I was never S?rens victim. We were lovers, we were equals, and what we did together was a game we were both very good at playing. Some nights he would make me orgasm so hard my lower back would hurt the next day. Whens the last time you felt something that good?
On the floor of your office, Zach admitted.
Noras eyes glowed bright black in the dark of the car. You know, youre the second man tonight whos had his fingers inside me. Does that bother you?
Zach recalled Noras flushed face when she raced from the elevator once S?ren finally let her go. She was so wet that he could hear it as he turned his hand.
No.
Theres hope for you yet, Zachary Easton. Nora leaned in again and put her mouth at his ear. Her breasts pressed close to his face. I still remember what you taste like.
Every nerve in his body fired at once.
Nora turned her head so her ear was now at his mouth.
Im still waiting to hear that safe word, she taunted. Zach didnt answer. A tendril of her hair brushed his cheek. He didnt speak; he wanted her to do exactly what she threatened. More than anything he wanted to have sex with the worlds most erotic woman in the worlds most erotic car in a dank, dirty New York City alley where anyone who wanted to could stop and watch.
Nora met his eyes again. Zach pulled his fingers out of her and waited. She lowered herself until the tip of his arousal pressed lightly against her wet outer lips. He started to lift his hips, to press into her. Then he heard a click as Nora opened the drivers side door and she stepped out. The cool night air rushed in and Zach struggled to button his jeans back up over his straining erection.
Better let me take over, Nora said. You dont need to be driving my baby in your condition.
Zach took a few calming breaths before exiting the car. He walked around slowly to the passenger side and got in. Nora dropped into the drivers side and turned the engine on.
You okay? Nora asked as she backed onto the street and headed toward his apartment building.
Havent decided yet.
Nora turned onto his street.
Im just following your rules. No fucking until the books done. I guess I should hurry up and get that book finished.
Zach rubbed his face, breathed through his hands. Please do.
Better give me my homework then. If were going to play again, I guess Ive got to get some work done this week. And for some reason I get the feeling you may want to play again.
Zach could still feel her heat on his hand. He could hardly think or speak and she was talking about the book.
Ill email you tomorrow morningwhen Im lucid.
Luciditys vastly overrated. I shall await your email with bated breath. Nora pulled in front of his building.
Zach opened the door and stepped out. Once exposed to the cold night air his senses finally returned to him. He walked around to the drivers side and Nora rolled the window down.
What was that you said to S?ren tonight right before we left? It sounded like Italian, Zach asked, curious about their cryptic exchange ever since he witnessed it.
Cloro al clero. Its pretty common graffiti around the Vatican. It means poison the clergy.
Zach laughed appreciatively. He could agree with the sentiment.
Are you ever going to tell me what you were doing when you disappeared for over an hour tonight? he asked.
Nope.
Are you at least going to tell me if it was fun?
Nora looked at him and didnt smile. But there was dark mirth shining in her eyes as if she knew a great joke that she wanted to tell him.
Ill tell you thisI didnt have sex with a man. And it was so much fun it oughta be illegal. Zach took a step back as she revved the engine. She rolled up the window.
Then she was gone.
Zach stared after the car and felt Nora take a shard of himself away with her. It was his rule, his proclamation that they wouldnt become lovers until the book was finished. But for a few moments hed felt no guilt, and the world hadnt ended.
Zach entered his building and took the elevator up to his flat. He was out of his coat by the time he got to his door. He pulled off his shirt, yanked down his jeans and kicked his clothes into the corner of the room before crawling with the reluctance of a weary soldier into the bitter trench of his bed.
Closing his weary eyes, Zach couldnt stop himself from picturing Grace. Some nights she would stop his hands, desperate to undress him herself. Her brief flirtation with aggression over, she would turn timid as her fingers, earnest and nervous, unbuttoned his cuffs, his collar, slipping the shirt off his shoulders so slowly he would shiver. And she would look at him with such wonder, such desire that he, a married man, a graduate of dozens of beds, and so accustomed to the appreciative stares of women that they no longer registered as flattery, would find himself feeling suddenly shy. She looked at him as if shed never seen his bare chest before, his uncovered arms, his naked stomach and back until he felt he had never been seen like that before and knew, likely, he never had. The next day he would yawn and stretch and stumble through the hours grateful hed gotten a better offer than a mere good nights sleep.
Zach came hard on his hand and rolled over onto his stomach. God, he missed his wife.
* * *
Nora stood at the foot of her bed and stared at the black silk abyss before her. Like many of her characters she slept on black sheets. But unlike them, she did so for reasons more practical than seductive. She wrote in bed and often fell asleep with her pens uncapped and dripping. Wesleys moving in over a year ago put a stop to any overnight guests. These days the only stains on these sheets were from ink.
Nora pulled on her pajamas, grateful to be in comfortable clothes again. What a nightshed been so stupid to take Zach with her to the Circle. It was a miracle theyd made it out without anyone telling Zach she wasnt just a Domme, but a Dominatrix and that the Circle wasnt where she played but where she worked. Hed stomached the Circle but just barely. Wesley loathed what she did. Zach wouldnt be any more understanding than the kid was.
The kid The ghost of guilt passed through the room as she remembered Michael. But stillhe had been so eager and ready and so desperate to know that he wasnt alone in his strange desires. And if it hadnt been her, it would have been some girl, vapid and foolish and completely unaware of the rare creature she fumbled about with awkwardly. Michael deserved better. He deserved the ceremony and the story.
After theyd finished and she had untied him, he had curled into her arms and cried. Shed rocked him and let him talk. I always thought there was something wrong with me, hed confessed. I thought I was wrong to want this. And she knew he wasnt weeping because of sadness or shock, but because all babies cry when theyre born.
Nora glanced around. The ghost was gone. But there was no way she could sleep in her own bed tonight, not with the memory of S?rens taunts still echoing in her ears.
She padded down the hall in her sock feet pausing outside a half-open door. Wesley lay on his side, his back to her, the sheet draped over his hip.
Im awake, Nor, Wesley said without turning over.
Nora tiptoed into his room and sat on the edge of his bed. He rolled onto his back and looked up at her.
Cant sleep? he asked.
Theres a monster in my room, Nora whispered unnecessarily.
Big baby. He threw back the covers. Get in.
Nora dived in with juvenile glee and wriggled next to him flipping and flopping over like a fish on land until Wesley grabbed her by the arms and pinned her down.
Why, Wesley. I never knew you cared. She batted her eyelashes at him.
If youre gonna sleep with me, woman, you have to behave yourself.
Nora tried to ignore how good it felt lying beneath Wesley with his hands on her upper arms and his naked chest in front of her face. She wanted to raise her head, kiss his shoulders, his strong neck.
Yes, sir, she said meekly.
Wesley raised a hand and brushed her hair off her face.
Your hairs damp, he said. You took another shower.
Nora heard the worry in his voice.
I didnt have sex with Zach. Or S?ren. Sometimes a showers just a shower, Wes, she said, conveniently omitting Michael.
Was he there? Wesley asked, letting her go and stretching out next to her. Nora lay on her side to face him. It was funny how much more comfortable she felt in Wesleys far smaller full-size bed than her huge luxurious king-size.
He was. We talked some. We didnt play. He wanted to but I stopped him.
You actually told him no?
Nora sat up and switched on the lamp on the bedside table. She turned her back to Wesley and unbuttoned her pajama top.
Nora, you dont
But Nora didnt stop. She let her shirt fall off her arms. She lifted her hair and showed him her naked back.
See? she asked. Not a mark on me. You can check the rest of me if you want.
She waited for Wesley to speak but instead he grazed her bare back with his fingertips. His touch was so tenuous that it almost tickled.
Okay, he said. I believe you.
Nora pulled her shirt back on and buttoned it. She turned off the lamp and lay down again. For a few minutes they lay in silence together.
You stopped him because Zach was there?
Nora opened her eyes. Wesley was looking at her. She ran her hands through his tousled blond hair.
No. I stopped him because I promised you I would.
Wesley took her hand from his hair and held it.
You did?
Nora squeezed his hand and met his eyes. Yeah, I did. Wes, I cant lose you. Reaching out, she laid her hand on Wesleys chest over his heart. She leaned forward and kissed Wesley on the forehead. She wanted so desperately to lower her head and kiss his lips. But she remembered S?rens warnings. She wanted to believe she could be trusted around Wesley.
Wesley rolled over on his side so she could no longer see his face. She tried to settle in and let herself fall asleep. But Wesleys body was so close, so warm and so inviting. Just to tease him, she reached out and ran a finger down the center of his back from his neck to his hip.
Nora, did you already forget the behave yourself rule?
Just returning the favor, she said. You touched my back. I get to touch yours. Nora ran her finger up his back to his neck again. She delighted in the little shivers she instigated with every pass. Why are you still a virgin, Wes?
Hes waiting for you to grow up. Nora heard S?rens voice in her head and pushed it away.
Are you seriously asking me that? Wesley grabbed a pillow and pulled it tight to his chest.
Im very seriously asking you that. I want to know.
Well, Im a Christian and
Im a Christian, too. And Im not a virgin. Then again, Im a bad Christian.
Youre not a bad Christian, Wesley said. Youre just doing the best you can.
Thats very gracious of you. Nora grinned at the back of his head. But youre avoiding the question. Are you really waiting until your wedding night?
Not necessarily.
Nora flicked him on his back.
What do you mean not necessarily? Thats not very devout of you.
Im not a fundamentalist, you know. Im a biochemistry major. I do believe that evolution and global warming are real. I just think Gods real, too, and He wants us to be, I dont know, honorable with each other.
Honorablethats a very good word. So when do you plan on honoring some lucky girl with your virginity?
Nora, this isnt a very comfortable topic of conversation.
Wes, we talk about sex all the time.
No, you talk about sex all the time. I live with you and am forced to listen to it.
Nora flicked him again. Come on. Tell me. I want to know.
All right, fine. If youll stop flicking me.
Nora started lightly massaging Wesleys neck and shoulders. She thought it would help with his tension but his muscles seemed to get more rigid the more she touched him.
Wesley exhaled slowly.
I just want to wait until I know itll mean as much to her as it does to me. As much as it means to me, this might take a while.
Nora stopped rubbing Wesleys neck and instead began slowly caressing his back with her fingertips.
Remember, I was still a virgin when I was your age. I was twenty before S?ren and I made love the first time.
Were you glad you waited so long?
It wasnt my choice to wait. It was his. I was ready and willing much younger than that. But Im glad that it mattered as much to him as it did to me. I think youll make some girl very happy one of these days. For your sake I hope shes waited for you, too.
I dont.
You dont want to be with another virgin? she asked, utterly shocked.
No way. Id like at least one of us to know what were doing.
Its not that hard to figure out, I promise. You just kiss her, she said, dropping a kiss on the center of Wesleys back, anywhere and everywhere you want to kiss her and touch her anywhere and everywhere you want to touch her. And when shes wet and ready you spread her legs open wide and slowly push inside her and
Stop, Nor. She could hear the strain in his voice.
Im sorry. Sometimes I forget Im not in one of my own books.
Its okay, he said a little breathlessly. He curled up around the pillow and pulled his legs into his chest. Its justyoure Im
Turned on? I know you are. Your accent gets thicker when you get
Nora, please.
You can tell me, Wes.
Yes, he confessed. Very. Im sorry. Just give me a few minutes to think about my dead grandmother and Ill be okay.
Can I help you?
I dont think so. You never met my dead grandmother.
Nora laughed. Thats not what I was thinking. Here, just relax. Best thing to do is just get it out of your system. She put her hand on his side.
Im not going to have sex with you, Wesley said with vehemence.
I know. Ive met my virgin deflowering quota for the day anyway. Just think of it as a tension-relieving massage. Nora slipped her hand under his pajama pants and caressed his hip. She tapped him where she knew his tattoo was. Or I could blow your bugle.
Wesley laughed and groaned at the same time.
This isnt a good idea, he said, although she could hear the need in his voice.
Then Ill stop. Or Ill continue. Just tell me what you want.
I want to be able to sleep on my stomach at some point tonight.
Ill take that as a yes then. Okay? Nora waited, certain he would say no and send her back to her room.
Wesley took a hard breath.
Okay.
Really? she asked.
You really told S?ren no because of me? he asked.
Nora didnt have to lie when she answered a quiet, Yes.
Then yes. But no bugle blowing.
Spoilsport. Suddenly Nora found herself feeling something she hadnt felt in months, maybe even yearsnervous. She let her hand slip over the hard plane of Wesleys flat stomach, and she could feel the outline of all his muscles. She moved lower and found him. Wrapping her hand around him, she stroked upward.
God, he whispered as his whole body shivered.
Youve never even let anyone touch you before? She ran her fingers slowly up and down his hard length.
He shook his head.
No.
She took him with her whole hand and smiled as he flinched with pleasure. Pressing her body into his back, she kissed only his neck although she ached to kiss all of him.
Youre insanely hard, she said, almost laughing. You were working on the worlds worst case of blueballs.
Tell me about it. She could hear Wesley trying to be flippant but his voice sounded bated and breathy. She ran her hand from the base to the tip of him; it took a very long time to get there. Not only did she have a gorgeous virgin in her house, but she had an extremely well-endowed one. Yet another thing Wesley and S?ren had in common. She closed her eyes and imagined she could hear God laughing at her from on high.
Wes, forgive the reference to your familys favorite animal, but youre hung like a horse.
Really? He sounded pleasantly surprised.
Definitely. Still stunned by this incredible intimacy Wesley was allowing, Nora tried to keep her voice calm. Probably a good thing if you never try sex with a virgin. Youd kill the poor girl.
I think youre about to kill me, he breathed. She loved hearing his voice so hoarse and desperate.
Nora turned her hand again and ran just her fingertips up and down him, grinning as Wesleys breath caught in his throat and his shoulders heaved. She wanted to pretend it was only a massage, but she couldnt stop herself from imagining him inside her, filling her body with his, coming inside her, being his first lover. She forced the image away and focused on Wesley again.
Wesley, I can do this all night. That doesnt mean you have to. You can come whenever you want.
I dont know if I can.
Its just me. Were best friends. You dont have to be ashamed or embarrassed, I promise. Just relax. Come for me, she said, unable to stop giving orders even with Wesley.
Nora tightened her grip slightly and moved her hand faster. Wesley started breathing even harder. His back arched and she heard him inhale sharply. His whole body shuddered for a long time. Nora nearly gasped aloud at the intensity of his orgasm as her own inner muscles contracted with frustrated desire. While he breathed through the climax she held him before reluctantly letting him go. Grabbing a pair of his abandoned boxer shorts off the floor, she handed them to him. He said nothing as he cleaned himself off and tossed the wet boxers aside.
Better? she asked.
Yeah, better, he said, still panting a little. Humiliated but better.
Nora laughed and draped her arm over his chest.
Wes, turn over. Nora could sense Wesleys unwillingness to obey. But he finally gave in and flipped back over. He lay on his side again face-to-face with her. She was relieved to see his eyes were as wide and innocent and unsullied as ever.
She placed her hand on his bare chest right over his heart.
Im going to tell you something that is completely true, she said. And youre going to believe its true. And then were both going to go to sleep.
Im listening.
It meant as much to me as it did to you, she said and she did mean it.
Wesley nodded. Okay, I believe you.
Nora smiled at him, and he smiled back.
Now go to sleep. On your stomach now if youd like.
Good night, Nora, he said and pushed her still damp hair off her face.
Good night, John-Boy.
Nora kissed him quick on the cheek and rolled over onto her side away from him. She tensed as Wesley reached out and pulled her back against his chest. It took her a moment to even believe he lay so close, that their bodies were shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. She settled in against him and let him hold her.
After a few minutes his breathing settled, slowing down until his breaths matched hers. He lay quiet for so long she thought hed fallen asleep.
I thought youd be with Zach tonight, Wesley said.
Nora found his hand and wrapped her fingers around his.
No. Im with you tonight.
24
Zach spent the entire morning on the phone discussing the details of contracts and upcoming projects at Royals West Coast office. The meetings would normally have been rather enjoyable and interesting, but with Nora and last nights events on his mind, he couldnt concentrate. He rattled off information by rote, all the while thinking about how a few hours ago, hed been wandering around New Yorks most infamous underground S&M club with a Catholic priest and the son of John Fiske, the citys most powerful financier. And then afterward in the car with Nora He could still remember what she felt like on his fingers and how close hed been to sliding inside her. Now in the Tuesday afternoon daylight, Zach had trouble believing it was real. He only had Nora as proofNora who seemed to pass from his world and into her world and back with frightening ease.
Meetings finally over, Zach got to sit down at his own desk in front of his computer. He discovered that he had twenty-five new pages from Nora and the promise of more to come.
I got up early this morning, Nora wrote. I was sleeping with Wes and he had an eight oclock class. Microbiology at 8 fucking a.m.? Now thats sadism.
You slept with your virgin intern last night? Zach replied after he read Noras email two more times to make sure he wasnt missing anything. About fifteen minutes later Nora wrote back.
Dont be jealous, darling. It was completely innocent. Well, mostly innocent. But youll have to excuse me while I get back to my homework. Im not going to give you any excuse to pussy out on our deal.
I think I may live to regret those words, Zach wrote back.
You wont regret a thing once Im done with you. Now leave me alone. Im Papa Hemingway today.
Nora was the opposite of Hemingway in every possible way. For one thing, she couldnt write terse prose if she had a gun to her head. For another, Zach actually enjoyed reading Noras books.
Hemingway was the king of understatement, economy of words and brevity. Are you sure you of all people want to use him as a model? Zach replied.
Noras next email was answer enough.
Yes.
Zach was still laughing when J.P. came into his office.
Smiling and laughter? This hall hasnt seen nearly as much fog lately, J.P. said. Do we have a certain writer to thank for this astonishing change of weather?
We were discussing Hemingway.
Yes, a comic genius that Hemingway. Hows Sutherlins book coming?
Very well. Weve got two and a half weeks left and two hundred pages to rewrite, but if she keeps up the pace, well get it done right before I leave.
Tight schedule there, Easton. Thats a lot of quantity to expect a great deal of quality.
She can do both. She has drive and a strong incentive to get the book finished.
Yes, her unsigned contracts still hanging over her head, isnt it?
Zach smiled and leaned back in his chair. It felt shockingly good to smile like that, like he had a wicked secret that was his to keep or tell. This must be what Nora felt every time she smiled.
J.P. must have seen the secret in the smile.
Its not just the contract thats keeping her working so hard, is it? J.P. said, stroking his beard with an amused twinkle in his eye.
Were not sleeping together. Havent so much as kissed her. He omitted the office floor incident and last night in the car. Technically, they hadnt kissed, not on the lips anyway.
You can do a lot without bothering with kissing. I was young once.
Thanks to Nora I have enough disturbing images in my head to last two lifetimes. Please do not add to them.
At this point, J.P. began, standing up, I dont really care how you get the book finished. Just get it finished before you go to L.A. and without getting on Page Six, and Ill be the happiest man on the face of the earth. You are still going to L.A., arent you?
Zach paused. Of course he was going to L.A. Wasnt he? Then again, leaving New York meant leaving Nora. Leaving London had meant leaving Gracehe wasnt sure he ever wanted to leave like that again. Yes, Im going to L.A. Its all about the book, J.P. Zach said.
Keep telling yourself that, Easton, J.P. said. He turned around and threw a small wrapped box to Zach. Youve got another present, by the way.
Zach caught the box and sighed. His office prankster had continued sending little kinky presents every few days. With some trepidation, Zach opened it. He pulled out the contents and furrowed his brow at them. They looked something like clip-on silver earrings, lightweight and dangling. Hardly kinky at all. Was his prankster teasing him about cross-dressing? Zach put the earrings back in the box and stuffed the box in his messenger bag, not sure what else to do with them. Hed let Nora have them if she liked them.
He pulled her contract out of his top desk drawer and flipped through it again. He picked up a pen and thought about signing it. He could sign it now and not tell her; then when the book was finished, he could show her how much faith hed had in her all along. A slight exaggeration considering how loath he was to work with her in the beginning, but he knew she would be touched.
Zach thought about J.P.s question again. Was he still going to L.A.? Why wouldnt he? The chief managing editor position was the reason he took the job at Royal after all. He said he was going and he would go. And he said he wouldnt sign Noras contract until he read the last page and he wouldnt. And when he told Nora they couldnt sleep together until they were done working together, he meant it.
He refolded the contract with a clear conscience and stuffed it in his messenger bag.
* * *
Thoughts of Zach kept intruding on Noras writing. She desperately wanted to get her chapters done even though she knew she had too much work to play with him tonight. Then again, just because she was too busy for Zach didnt mean he was off the hook entirely. Nora picked up her phone and had the number she needed after one call.
The phone rang twice before a nervous voice answered.
Yes, hello? the girl on the other end said.
Hello, little bird. Guess who?
Nora smiled at the gasp she heard on the other end of the line. Kingsley had fantastic taste in the women of his coterie these days. He never cared if they could afford the membership dues as long as they had other ways of earning their keep. Invariably, Kingsleys ladies-in-waiting all had very useful talents inside and outside the bedroom.
Told you Id remember your name, Robin. King told me about your day job. Do you have an hour or two to do a favor for me today? Im an excellent tipper.
Anything for you, mistress.
Nora gave the girl her instructions and hung up the phone. She forced thoughts of Zach aside and got back to writing.
* * *
Zach checked his watchalmost five-thirty. Hed been on the phone for the past two hours with his soon-to-be assistant at the West Coast offices. Theyd been discussing upcoming projects when Mary buzzed him with news of a visitor.
Come in. A young woman he didnt recognize entered with a large tote bag and a rolling table.
Mr. Easton? Nice to see you again, she said.
Have we met? Zach asked, standing up.
Yes, Im Robin. We met last night.
Of course, from the
The club. She cut him off before he said the 8th Circles name.
Zach did recognize her now. Out of her costume and with her hair up and wearing retro-chic glasses, she looked like a very different person from the provocatively dressed cigarette girl.
Right. The club. What can I do for you?
The girl turned and closed his office door, locking it behind her.
You can take your clothes off, Mr. Easton.
An hour and a half later Zach shut the door behind Robin and sank into his chair. He was glad shed come late enough in the day that almost everyone had already left. Hed been reluctant at first but a professional massage was a gift impossible to refuse. The girl had marvelous hands and she spent well over an hour working out every single knot of tension in his entire body. His muscles felt as loose as a sea anemone. He owed Nora a huge thank-you for arranging the massage. Since she wasnt quite allowed to put her hands on him yet, shed obviously gone looking for a loophole and found one.
Zach stretched his arms and enjoyed how calm he felt, how peaceful. It had been over a year and a half at least since hed felt even remotely this relaxed. His marriage to Grace had begun as a nightmare but had turned quickly into his best dream. But like any dream, it couldnt be trusted. Something dark always lurked around the corner in dreams. And one day that something dark started showing itself even while he was wide-awake. Grace started conversations with him, terrifying conversations he refused to finish. And then something had happened with her, or maybe it had happened with him. All he knew was Grace had started to fade out on him and thered been nothing he could do. She just slowly shut down on him like a watch someone forgot to wind.
Having Robins hands on him had been such a strange revelation. Hed shared with Nora an incredible sexual intimacy the night theyd gotten drunk in her office and then last night in her Aston Martin. But just to be touched by another woman, to have his back touched, his arms and legsto be touched in a way that was sensual but not sexual felt as foreign to him as that night with Nora. Foreign but not frightening. He wondered if he saw Grace again, would he be able to be more open to her than before? Hed love to touch her the way Robin had touched him. Hed love to teach her a few of the things hed learned from Nora.
The phone rang and Zach smiled. He had one guess who would be calling his office this late in the evening.
Nora, youre the very devil, he said as he put the phone to his ear. But Im not complaining.
Zach heard a slight intake of breath on the other end of the line followed by a static-filled pause.
Zachary? came a voice he would recognize a thousand miles or a thousand years away.
Zach sat up ramrod straight; his heart raced. Everything that had been relaxed a moment ago became a live wire of tension again.
Grace he breathed. Im sorry. I thought you were one of my writers. Nora Sutherlinshes a loony. I think youd like her. But Im rambling like an idiot. How are you?
He lived and died through another terrible pause.
Youve never rambled like an idiot in your life, Grace said in her lilting Welsh accent, and Zach could picture the smile on her face as she said it. Ive never heard you so friendly with one of your writers before. Youre usually telling them what berks and idiots they are. This one must be special.
Shes stark raving mad, and Im terrified of her. How are you? he asked again and winced. He really was making an idiot of himself.
Im in the dark, quite literally, Im afraid. I just walked in the door and all the lights are out. I cant find the torch anywhere. Im just glad I had my mobile with me.
Is it a blackout or just our house? Zach winced again. Was he even allowed to say our house anymore?
Blackout, I think. The whole street is dark. I called the power company. Should be on again by morning, but until I find the bloody torch, Im afraid to move.
Zach imagined Grace sitting at the kitchen table in the dark debating whether or not it was enough of an emergency to call him. She said shed just gotten home. But it was nearly midnight in London. He didnt want to imagine where shed come from.
Let me think. Did you try the drawer?
By the stove? Yes, I looked there first. Found everything but the light.
No, it isnt there. Youre right. Its in the cupboard in the utility room. I remember stashing it there now.
Ill check.
Be careful.
Zach heard Graces tentative footsteps and the sound of a door opening.
Found it. Second shelf near the back.
Good, Zach said, desperate to find a way to keep her on the line a little longer. Be careful if you light any candles.
I will be, Grace replied, a faint note of amusement in her voice.
If the lights dont come on soon, stay the night at Zach stopped and swallowed. Stay with a friend. If the lights are off, the alarm might be, as well.
Im sure Ill survive the night. He heard the smile in her voice. If I need more help, Ill ring you again.
Please do. Zach rubbed his face. Did you need me? Need anything else?
Zach heard that pause again. He needed her. He needed her to say she loved him, or that she hated him, or that she wanted a divorce or wanted him back or wanted him dead or wanted him home right now rescuing her from the dark like any good husband would. He needed something from her because he could not and would not go on like this anymore.
No, Grace finally said. I have the torch now. Thanks again.
Sure. Right then, Zach said, his stomach falling and taking his heart with it. Of course.
Zach didnt hang up the phone. He held his breath and listened, waiting for that awful little click. When it came he flinched as if hed heard a gunshot. He held the buzzing receiver until the line died and then finally hung it up.
25
Nora woke up on Thursday morning with a smile on her face. She dressed in her favorite suither business kink black skirt, her knee-high black boots and a white blouse with a black tie. She heard a whistle as she walked past Wesleys door.
Did you just whistle at me, young man? Nora asked, pausing in Wesleys doorway.
I did, he said as he stuffed his laptop into his backpack. Where are you going today looking so nice?
Nora came close to blushing. She knew Wesley was attracted to her. He was nineteen, after all, and she wasnt hideous. But he always tried to treat her as just a friend and roommate. But since their intimate encounter Monday night, hed been more playful with her, more flirtatious. She was starting to like it.
Im going to Kingsleys. Wesleys smile faded. To tell him Im quitting.
The smile came back.
Zach signed the contract? Wesley looked so happy and hopeful it broke her heart.
Not yet. But he will.
Wesley came over to her with his backpack slung over his shoulder. He looked so cute and young right now with his baseball cap on his shaggy hair that she wanted to throw him down on his bed and put her tie to better use.
Ive gotta get to class. But maybe we can hang out later today. We should celebrate you quitting your job.
What did you have in mind? Nora stepped closer to him. In her heels she was tall enough to kiss him.
Wesley leaned close and put his mouth to her ear. I was thinkingwe could
Nora held her breath.
rent a movie. Wesley slapped her playfully on her bottom and brushed past her.
Sadist! she yelled out and took a breath, her heart racing. The door opened and closed and Wesleys car started. She tried to remember what she was doing. Kingsleythat was it.
Nora drove the Aston Martin to one of Manhattans oldest and most elegant town houses. It wasnt just a private home but the headquarters of New Yorks most thriving underground business. She handed the keys to the doorman and climbed the front staircase to the third floor. Striding down the hallway, she went through the double doors at the end without knocking.
Four huge black Rottweilers charged at her.
Down, kids. She laughed as she petted the massive beasts.
Brutus, Dominic, Sadie, Max, down, the man behind the desk ordered tiredly and snapped his fingers. All four dogs sat and stared up at Nora as if waiting for her to countermand the order.
Nora left the whimpering dogs by the door and headed to the ebony desk. Behind it reclined a man she knew no one would believe owned such a posh establishment. Hed pulled his long dark hair into a low ponytail tied with a black silk ribbon. He wore a stylishly rumpled black Victorian-era suit with a long tail and a black vest with silver buttons. His cravat was carelessly tied but that was nothing unusual. On his feet he wore his signature black riding boots. He looked like a handsomely roguish pirate someone forced into a suit and acted liked one, toothe one and only Kingsley Edge in person.
I was at the window when you pulled up. He paused and sipped his cocktail. You drove the Martin, ma?tresse. You really are a tease. He didnt so much speak as he allowed words to saunter out of his mouth.
I only tease the ones who pay me to tease. Nora came around the desk and sat on the top. Not even Kingsley had an Aston Martin. She liked to remind him of that. Miss me?
I miss you. My bank account misses you.
Your bank account is bigger than the GDP of Luxembourg, King.
Oui, ma?tresse. He took a bigger swig of his drink. But Luxembourg is such a small kingdom.
Cough it up, she said. Ive got news.
Sighing, Kingsley slowly rose out of his chair and strolled across the room. He picked up a small black briefcase and handed it to her. Nora tossed it aside and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders.
None of that, Kingsley said as Nora nibbled delicately on his ear. She wanted him in a good mood for the bad news. Her hand wandered down his taut stomach. Damn beautiful Frenchman, she hated to see him pout. And none of that, either. Whats this news of yours?
I quit, she whispered.
Kingsley pulled back and raised his eyebrow at her.
Quit?
Oui, Nora said. I adore you, Kingsley. You are annoying and frustrating, and I dont know what I would have done without you. But my editors going to sign my contract. Its time I started behaving like a real writer. Comprende?
Kingsley sighed and kissed both of her cheeks.
Notre pr?tre will be thrilled to hear that. And God knows Ill be happy to go a day without him threatening my life and manhood on your behalf. It wouldnt be so troubling except
S?ren means it.
Bien s?r, ma chrie, Kingsley said and kissed her on the lips. Nora tried not to enjoy it but it was Kingsley after all. The man was half-French but his tongue was all-French. Now that youre a free woman, care to spend a little free time avec moi? Ill tip you for old times sake, oui?
Je suis dsole. But Im seducing my editor this week. And besides, we both know youre a terrible tipper.
Nora pulled away and headed to the door.
Elle? Nora turned around to face him. Kingsley had changed her name to Nora Sutherlin four years ago. If he ever called her Elle anymore, it was because he wanted her complete attention. He sat on top of his desk with his cocktail again. I tease you but your books You make us all proud, chrie. La communaut. Bonne chance avec le roman, ma belle dame sans merci.
Good luck with the novel, my beautiful lady without mercy. Nora smiled.
La belle dame avec merci, she replied with a curtsy, touched by his kind words. Usually Kingsley had nothing but disgust for the other job that often kept her from her clients. Merci, monsieur.
He was still laughing when she left him.
* * *
Nora drove to Zachs building, parked in the garage and tipped the attendant a hundred dollars to keep an eye on her car. Tipping generously came easily with the ten thousand dollars in cash Kingsley had just given her.
She tipped Zachs doorman with equal generosity and claimed she had something to drop off at his apartment. Good thing Zach had a male doorman or sweet-talking her way inside might not have worked.
Nora found number 1312 and knocked lightly, praying Zach wasnt working from home today. She waited and heard nothing. Opening her bag, she pulled out her small lock pick set.
The lock took less than a minute to jimmy open. With a deft hand she turned the tumblers and felt it give way. She slipped inside the apartment and looked around.
The impressive neatness didnt surprise her. Zach was quite fastidious when he wanted to be. The apartment was austerely furnished, everything dark wood, dark leather and sparse. On the side table next to the black sofa she found a stack of manuscripts and on top of them sat Zachs silver-rimmed glasses that he wore only when line editing. Shed seen them on him only a couple of times and it was good for both of them he didnt wear them more often. He looked so intellectual in them that it was all she could do not to bite him. Only Zachary Easton could make proofreading that sexy.
She glanced at his one bookshelf and saw his private reading was of astonishingly high qualityStanley Fish and Noam Chomsky. The man read literary theory for fun.
What a nerd, she said to herself, grinning.
Nora poked her head in the bathroom, inhaling with pleasure the warm scent of his soap and shaving cream. Men simply had no idea how profound an effect their masculine scent could have on a woman. She already felt her pulse beginning to surge with every invasion of his privacy.
Back in the living room Nora glanced at the stack of manuscripts again. Hers wasnt among them. She picked up a small box lying next to his glasses on the stack of manuscripts. It still had some of the brown paper wrapping around it. It must be his latest gift from the office prankster who was anonymously torturing him for working with her. She opened the box and grinnednipple clamps, she nodded her head appreciatively. She looked at them more closely and made a nervous discoverythey were handmade Eris brand, a kind not for sale anywhere. A local dungeon master gave them to his guests as party favors. They were two-waysnipple clamps that doubled as clip-on earrings. She even had a pair somewhere. Whoever Zachs office prankster was, he or she was an insider. Nora put the nipple clamps back in the box and set them on the top manuscript where shed found them. Surely if the prankster knew she was on the underground payroll he would have already told Zach, she comforted herself.
A closed door beckoned and Nora passed from the living room into his bedroom.
There was nothing in his bedroom but the bed itself and a small table with his alarm clock. She appreciated his prioritiesa bed was all theyd need. The bed was made, she noted. That wife of his had him so well-trained. She opened the closet and found a white shirt with French cuffs that Zach wore on occasion. She never told him how insanely attractive she found him when he wore it. Knowing him, hed stop wearing it around her just out of spite.
Nora pulled it off the hanger and laid it on the bed. She tapped something with her foot, and bent and pulled the mysterious object from underneath Zachs bed. It was a copy of her manuscript. Zach had apparently reserved her book for bedtime reading. She took that as a compliment.
Nora pulled off her boots and undressed quickly. It felt delicious standing naked and alone in Zachs bedroom. She put the dress shirt on and buttoned only the two middle buttons. With a flourish she pulled the covers back from his bed and slid between the sheets. She reached for a pillow and placed it underneath her hips. As her legs fell open her mind found its way to Zach.
ZachZach knew her books and because of that she sometimes felt he might know her better than anyone. His body was long and lean and his lower back had the most exquisite arch and his fingers and hands were strong and it wouldnt be long before they were on her and in her and he was inside her completely with nothingnot the book, not his wife, not his fears and his secretsbetween them. What would it be like to look up into those ice-blue eyes and see them on fire?
Nora came hard on her hand and wiped her fingers on his pillowcase. She looked at the clock and saw it was still early. Zach wouldnt be home for hours. She slipped her hands between her legs again. Time for at least one more.
Or maybe two.
* * *
Long after seven had passed, Zach trudged his way home, exhausted from a day at work. Hed felt miserable ever since Grace called. Hed snapped at Mary for no reason and hung up on J.P. in the middle of a call. Hed apologized to both of them and then wished he hadnt. They were so damn sympathetic he felt he was wearing a scarlet D for dumped. As soon as he turned the key in his lock and opened his door, Zach perked up a bit. He inhaled Noras perfume, that unmistakable scent of hothouse flowers, and knew shed been here.
Nora? he called out as he dropped his messenger bag by the door and shrugged off his coat. He saw nothing had been moved or altered. His books were all in place, his furniture, his glasses. Curious, Zach moved toward the bedroom and saw his normally closed door standing ajar. He peered around the door half expecting, half hoping to find Nora lying on his bed. But the room sat empty. Still it was clear shed been in his bedroom. The bed was unmade, the covers pulled back and the imprint of her body still on the sheets. Zach started to inspect the bed, looking for any note she might have left. The moment his hands touched the sheets the phone rang. This time Zach knew it was Nora.
Somebodys been sleeping in my bed, he said as he answered.
And it was just right. How are you today, Zach?
Exhausted. But the excitement of thinking my flat had been broken into did wake me up a bit. You know, if someone caught you in the act, you might have been arrested.
Wouldnt be the first time. Hope you dont mind but I masturbated in your bed.
Zach coughed in response.
Did you?
Three times. I only planned on the one but your sheets smelled so good, just like you. And I couldnt help but notice that you had my dirty little book by your bed. Cant imagine why my book gets such a place of honorcan you?
I often read in bed.
Dont be coy, darling. We both know youve masturbated to my scenes. Havent you?
Zach considered lying or not answering at all. But what was the point of either? Nora would know. Yes, he admitted. Once.
Im flattered. Cant blame you, though. Im pretty good on the page. Tell me something, she said, her voice turning to warm honey. Whats your favorite position?
I usually play winger.
Zach, I adore you, but you cant make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isnt done.
Were having phone sex, are we?
Yes, we are. Weve both worked too hard this week. Playtime. This is an easy game.
No chance I could talk you into a hand or two of whist, could I?
Not a chance. I left you a present in your nightstand.
Warily, Zach opened the drawer in his night table. Nora had left him a tube of lubricant. Why were people always giving him lube?
How kind, he said with a clenched jaw.
Comfortable? I suggest lying back on your pillows. I wonder if you can guess which pillow I put under my hips when I masturbated.
Zachs heart fluttered at her brash words. He and Grace had been married two years before he could even talk her into performing in front of him. He would have given his right hand to have watched Nora in his bed. Well, maybe his left hand.
Zach ran his subtly trembling hands over his pillows. He flipped one over and saw a small watermark on one that hadnt been there that morning. Grateful Nora wasnt there to see him, he lifted the pillow to his face and inhaled. A thousand sensory memories returned with that one breath. The scent was the unmistakable mark of a womans arousal, utterly potent and completely erotic.
My God, he said and heard Nora giggling at the end of the line.
Thank you. Comfortable yet?
Zach kicked off his shoes and propped himself on his pillows as Nora had suggested. Physically Im comfortable. In other respects, howeverno. Not even remotely.
He expected a laugh but none came.
Zach, Nora began and her voice sounded oddly solemn. Listen to me. You dont have to be uncomfortable. Its just me. Theres nothing that you can say or do that will shock me. Youve been inside me, in case youve forgotten. Were both grown-ups who are very attracted to each other. You are an insanely gorgeous, incredibly intelligent man and you have no reason to be embarrassed by this.
Just a bit out of practice, Zach confessed.
Practice makes perfect. Ill go easy on you this time. Asking again, whats your favorite position?
This is the easy version?
This is kindergarten, Zach. Now answer me and be honest.
Zach exhaled and looked up at the ceiling. Better to just get it out.
I prefer from behind positions.
Doggie style?
Sometimes. My favorite, though, is when shes on her stomach and her leg is sort of pulled up.
Why do you like it? And dont skimp on the details.
Its Zach searched for the right word. Its intimate without being sentimental. I suppose that sounds like a load of rubbish to you.
No, it makes perfect sense. Missionary position is as vanilla as it gets. But from behind positions are fantastic. Some of my favorites, too. When was the first time you tried it?
I was seventeen, I think. I was seeing a university student a few years older than me.
Such a lady-killer. And she was more experienced than you?
Vastly. Id had more than a few wild nights but nothing had prepared me for her. Second time we were together she rolled onto her stomach and made her will known.
I like this girl.
She was a beautiful half-crazy bint named Raine of all things, but I dont regret the lessons.
Raine is making me wet. What do you remember from the first time, Zach?
Ah Zach closed his eyes and summoned the memory. It had been years since hed even thought about her. I remember having to move her hair off her neck. She had gorgeous dark hair like yours. And Ill never forget taking a fistful of it and pushing it out of the way so I could kiss her back and shoulders.
Did you bite her?
Constantly, Zach confessed. And I remember bracing myself with my arms over her. My hands were on either side of her and she reached her hand out and wrapped her fingers around mine. I think thats when it became my favorite. He closed his eyes and remembered how often hed taken Grace like that. She did the same thing, taking his hand while he was thrusting into her. When Raine had done it, it aroused him. When Grace did it, he was undone.
Understandably. As a woman its very erotic to be taken like that. You feel, oh, whats the word? Used, I guess. Used in a good way. From behind positions are fairly dominant. I think you have a Dom streak in you, Zach.
It didnt feel like dominance. Just intimate. I meanI cant begin to fathom what I mean.
Yes, you do. Tell me. Noras voice was even softer now, coaxing him to close his eyes. He wondered if she was in her bedroom and what she was doing to put that purr in her voice. He didnt want to ask, but he did want to imagine.
The whispering, he said.
The whispering? What whispering?
In that position, his, my mouth is at her ear. Its perfect for whisperingthings.
So he does like dirty talk after all. What do you say when youre on top of a woman and inside her?
Nora, he protested. I cant just
Yes, you can. Tell me. Close your eyes and pretend its me underneath you. Pretend your chest is pressed to my shoulders. Pretend your hands are locked over my wrists. Pretend your mouth is at my ear. Pretend youre moving inside me. Is that such a horrible thought?
No, its amazing, Zach said, suddenly breathless.
Tell me, Zach. Tell me what youd say. Whisper it in my ear
Zach took a deep breath, and remembered he was allowed to trust Nora and to trust himself. It was so damned hard to do, but he wanted to trust her, needed to trust her.
He rolled onto his side, unbuttoned his pants and whispered.
26
On Friday morning Zach was stuck in a staff meeting and finding it hard to concentrate for two reasons. Reason number onethe phone call from Grace that had left his heart aching. Reason number twothe phone call from Nora last night that had left his body aching.
And as most of you know, J.P. said, in two weeks our Zach Easton will be going west to take over as chief managing editor at the L.A. offices. Im sure all of you will miss his sunny presence. To quote the old Irish blessing, may the fog rise up to meet you or something like that. A gentle murmur of laughter rippled through the room. Only that pompous arse Thomas Finley wasnt laughing, merely smirking as usual.
Thomas he would not miss. But he would miss his assistant, Mary, and J.P. Of course it was Noras presence in his life hed miss more than anything from his time in New York. She had become the embodiment of the city to himreckless and wild, fascinating and beautiful, dark and dangerous, so spoiled and so very generous.
So two weeks from now, J.P. continued, in the conference room well have a going away party for Easton. I suggested all of us go out to the Four Seasons but someone vetoed that suggestion so blame Easton for his half-assed fare-thee-well. A smattering of playful boos were thrown Zachs way.
The meeting concluded and the staff started filing out. Mary gave him a hug on the way out and said, Take me to California with you, in a stage whisper in his ear. J.P., standing next to Zach, mouthed, Not a chance at her, and Mary departed wearing a faux pout on her face.
There were friendly shoulder pats and a few hearty handshakes from his fellow editors. Zach turned to ask J.P. something when he heard a smug laugh behind him.
Hows Noras book coming, Zach? Thomas Finley asked in his unctuous tone. Coming hard and coming often?
The work is progressing very well, Thomas, Zach replied, ignoring Thomass childish insinuations. Thank you for asking.
Cracking the whip, are you? he asked with a sneer. Oh, wait, thats her job.
Finley, thats enough, J.P. said, pointing an angry finger on his way out of the conference room. Our writers deserve our respect.
Respect her? Thomas snorted as soon as J.P. was gone. If I paid her to put her boot on my back then maybe Id respect her.
Zach stuffed his papers in his messenger bag.
I see Mary was right, Zach said calmly.
Right about what? Finley demanded, his face reddening.
About your professional jealousy. Im sorry if you thought the position in L.A. should have been yours. The fact that you responded to my promotion with juvenile pranks is proof that you barely deserve this job, much less the chief managing editor position. Publishing is for adults, Thomas. It would help if you acted like one.
Zach, the only reason you got offered that job in L.A. was pure pity. J.P. got wind your wife was dumping you. After all, none of my writers have ever had to sleep their way to a six-figure advance.
None of your writers have ever earned a six-figure advance. And Nora will earn her advance like every other writer Ive ever worked withby writing her heart out. Nora and I are not sleeping together. The position is mine because Im better at this job than you are. And this conversation, Zach said emphatically, trying to shove past Thomas who stepped in front of the door to bar his way, is over.
Not sleeping together? Really? Thomas feigned shock. Let me guess, shes out of your price range.
Youre a child, Thomas.
And shes a prostitute, Easton.
Zach blanched and opened his mouth to protest but something stopped him.
A wide and vicious grin spread across Thomass face.
Zach, Zach, Zachyou really didnt know? Nora Sutherlins the most famous Dominatrix in this city. I guess she just hasnt sent you the invoice for her services rendered yet.
I know what she is, what she does in her free time. Her private life is not my concern.
Private life? Eastonits not private if you have to pay taxes on it. She does it for money. She is a hooker. Friend of mine shelled out 5K just to watch him tie up and fuck his girlfriend. Do I need to put this in writing for you?
Zach pushed Thomas out of the way. Finleys cackle followed him all the way down the hall.
Zach stopped in J.P.s office. J.P. looked up at him with wary eyes.
Give me your car keys, J.P.
J.P. dug in his pocket.
What did he say?
Nothing Ill repeat until I hear it from her.
Zach took the keys and headed to the door.
Eastonyoure my only new critic, remember? Its not supposed to be about the author, just the book.
Its never just about the book, Zach said and slammed J.P.s door behind him.
* * *
Nora glanced at her handwritten notes and started typing again. She wanted to quit for the day but knew she had to push through her tiredness. She was getting close to the big crisis in the story and while she looked forward to rewriting the intensely dramatic scene, she also dreaded having to begin the process of ending the book. More than any of her previous books, this one had become her baby, hers and Zachs, and she loved it more than she ever knew she could love something her own hands had made.
Nora started to flip a page in her notes but stopped when she heard someone knocking on her door. The insistent knock came again.
She smiled as she opened the door and saw Zach standing on her porch.
Youre making a habit of this, Zach, she said, quietly thrilled to see him.
But Zach didnt smile back. He stared at her and raised his chin.
How much do I owe you? he asked.
Noras heart dropped through her body and into her feet.
Shit.
Thats all you have to say? Zach said, coming through the open door.
What do you want me to say? Im sorry I didnt tell you. I was going to. At the club. Then S?ren showed up. I chickened out, Im sorry. It doesnt matter.
Doesnt matter that youre a prostitute?
A prostitute? Is that what you think I am? she demanded. Prostitutes would kill to be me. Im a Dominatrix. People submit to me for money. But they never ever get to fuck me.
I thought you were this sexy, wild writer, a free spirit. But you arent a free spirit. Youre just a very expensive cheap trick.
I told you, Zachmy tricks are anything but cheap. She heard the iciness in her voice and Zach gave her a dark look.
You lied to me, he said with cold, quiet anger.
Nora took a deep breath and forced herself to stay calm.
Zach, I know youre upset. I know this is a huge shock to you
Are you sick?
Nora blinked at him.
Some might say so. I cant say I disagree.
Zach tore from the living room and came back seconds later with a pill bottle in his hand.
These, he said, shoving her beta-blockers nearly in her face. My father takes these for his heart trouble that could kill him at any moment. And your M.D. appointments in your date bookare you ill?
First of all, you had no right to dig through my medicine cabinet or my date book, but considering I broke into your apartment, well let that slide. And no, Im perfectly healthy. M.D. just means My Dungeon which youve seen. And these are the same pills that a lot of performers take for stage fright and performance anxiety. They reduce hand tremors. My work isnt easy sometimes. They help me get through some of the rougher scenes.
Zach collapsed into a chair and buried his head in his hands. He sat back and threw the bottle of pills across the room. They hit the wall and clattered to the floor.
Ive been quietly terrified for weeks that there was something wrong with you. I thought that was the secret you were keeping from me. I never dreamed you
Nora bent down in front of him and reached out to touch his knee. He stood up and brushed past her.
I cant believe the first woman I allow near me since Grace Zach paused and shook his head in disgust. I thought you were a writer.
I am a writer, she said, more hurt and angry than shed been in years. You know that better than anyone.
You have sex
I only fuck the women, she admitted. The men I just beat the shit out of.
For money, Zach said.
No, Zach. Not for money, she said and stood toe to toe with him. For a lot of fucking money, she said, biting down on every word. You get your paycheck in an envelope. I get mine in a fucking briefcase.
Nora grabbed the black briefcase off her couch and grabbed a fistful of one hundred dollar bills and tossed them in Zachs face. They fluttered to the floor like falling angels.
I had nothing, she said. Nothing when I left S?ren. I was twenty-eight years old and living with my mother. I could barely eat or sleep or move for months. She finally got so sick of me she kicked me out. I went to Kingsley Edge
Your pimp, Zach said.
Kingsley Edge, my friend, Nora countered. And he helped me. Id been a slave and he turned me into a master.
He turned you into a monster. S?ren was right. I should be afraid of you.
Youre afraid of everything, Zach. Afraid to leave your wife. Afraid to go back to her. Afraid to start over. Afraid to have sex with me. Afraid to trust me or yourself or anyone for that matter. And afraid to tell me what happened to youI was going to tell you my secret. I swear to God I was. I was just waiting until you were brave enough to tell me yours.
I keep my private life private, Nora. I dont put it up for public auction like you do.
Nora crossed her arms and stared at him.
Now Im starting to see why Grace left you. Youre a real charmer, Easton.
Zach took a step toward her. You dont even deserve to say her name, Nora. And all I have left to say is goodbye.
Fine. I get it. Were done. I said Im sorry, and you refuse to accept my apology. What about the book?
The book? Zach stepped over several thousand dollars on his way to the front door. The books off. Its over.
What do you mean its over? Its not finished yet. I still have two weeks.
Zach opened the front door and looked over his shoulder.
Its over, he repeated. Royal House cant afford you, he said, kicking a hundred dollar bill out from under his foot. And neither can I.
* * *
The pounding felt amazing. Every hit reverberated through her whole body. It started in her hands and ran though her arms, across her shoulders and down her back and into her feet. She poured herself into every punch, her muscles straining and opening and screaming. Shed almost forgotten how good pain could feel.
Nora!
She heard Wesleys voice calling to her from far away and ignored it. She just wanted to keep hitting, keep hurting.
Nora, stop it! Wesley yelled, bounding down the basement stairs three at a time. He tried to grab her, but she slipped through his hands and hit her punching bag even harder.
She pulled back, ready for one more punch, but Wesley stood in front of her.
Get out of my way, Wes, she ordered, wiping sweat off her forehead. It rained off her, down her bare arms, soaking her hand wraps all the way through.
Nora, Wesley said, taking her by the wrists. She struggled a little but he wouldnt let her go. Youre out of your mind. Youre going to hurt your hands.
I dont care.
Yes, you do. You dont even have gloves on. Youre going to hurt yourself and youre not going to be able to write for a week.
Nora pulled away from him.
It doesnt matter anymore, she said.
Why?
Its off. The whole things off. Some jackass at Royal knew about me and told Zach before I could, she said, panting the words. He was, to say the least, unhappy.
He called off the contract? Wesley asked, looking shaken to the core.
Yeah. Its dead. Hes done with me and the book.
Wesley shook his head. He cant do that. Ill call him. Ill talk to him.
Nora laughed coldly. Not even you could sweet-talk him, kid. He said its over. He meant it.
There are other editors.
Nora shook her head. Zach knew my book better than I know it. I cant finish it without him.
Yes, you can. Youve gotten five books published already.
Gutter stories from the guttersnipe writer, she said, untwining her hand wraps. And now its back to the gutter.
They were good stories. You know I dont like stuff like that and even I enjoyed reading them. You dont need Zach or me or anyone else to tell you how to write. Youre a good writer, Nora. Youre my favorite writer.
Your favorite writer, she said and laughed. She took a long, slow breath. Too bad. Im now a retired writer.
Wesleys eyes widened in terror.
Noradont.
I dont know why I even thought about quitting the game. I make more in a month with King than I did on my first and second books combined.
Nora threw her hand wraps on the floor and started up the basement stairs. Wesley followed hard on her heels.
You dont have to go back. I balance your bank statements. Youve got enough money to live on for five years or longer.
I plan on living longer than thirty-eight. Lifes expensive.
Nora stood in the kitchen and pulled a cup from the cabinet and filled it with water. She drank it down in a few hard gulps.
She slammed the cup down on the counter and reached for her red hotline phone.
Wesley reached out and put his hand on hers.
Ill give you every penny I have. His eyes were black with fear.
Thats sweet, Wes. But youre an unpaid intern, remember?
With that she hit the number eight on her speed dial and held it down.
Enchante, madame. To what do I owe this pleasure? Kingsley asked.
My waiting listwhos on it?
It would take less time to tell you who isnt, chrie.
Call them. Set it up.
Call whom?
All of them. Youre right. Luxembourg is a small kingdom. Lets expand the realm, shall we?
She expected Kingsley to laugh or thank her. Instead, she heard him exhale and speak in a way she very rarely heardwith sincerity.
Elle, are you sure about this?
Yes.
As you wish, chrie.
Smile, King, Nora said with a laugh. Lets make lots of money.
27
Two weeks left
Zach paced around his flat trying to decide where to begin packing. His flight to L.A. was in exactly thirteen days. Hed arrive on Sunday morning, get settled into the temporary quarters that Royal had rented for him and hed start work on Monday. There was little to pack so he wasnt sure why he was bothering about it so soon. With his work at Royal New York almost finished, he didnt know what else to do with himself.
He opened a cardboard box and starting packing his books. The Great Gatsbythe book that first turned him on to modern American literature when he was a university student. Atonement by Ian McEwana glorious story, one of McEwans best. Zach stared a long time at the title of the next bookOf Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. Nora had joked about that book once; that she was quite disappointed that no one actually got tied up in it.
When he realized he was smiling at the memory he made himself stop. Everything was over with Nora nowthe book, the deal, the promise of a few nights together before he was gone. He was so angry with himself. He thought that once he was settled out in L.A. she would come visit for a few days. Hed offhandedly mentioned the idea a week ago. She asked him if hed ever heard of something called Goths in Hot Weather. Apparently leather and tropical weather didnt mix. But shed said she would consider itif he begged enough.
Hed been fully prepared to beg.
It was useless. Nothing he did could exorcise thoughts of Nora from his mind. The anger had burned itself out yesterday and turned into a cold, hard fist of anguish in the pit of his stomach. He half hoped shed call. Even another fight was preferable to the bitter silence that had become the last three days since hed told her it was over.
Zach went into the bedroom and looked around. Perhaps there was something in here he could pack that wouldnt spur such potent and painful thoughts. He stared at the clothes in his closet and considered packing some of them. But he still had over a week in New York and he didnt have the energy for sorting out what hed wear from what he wouldnt.
Giving up, Zach sat on his bed with his elbows on his knees. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, sensing a headache coming on. He looked down to the floor and saw the corner of Noras manuscript peeking out from under the bed.
What hurt more than anything was knowing how good the book could have been. She was almost finished with it. A hundred pages or so was all that was left to rewrite. So close It would have outsold all her other books combined, outsold all of Finleys dull, dreary pretentious postmodern books combined. It would have been a sensation.
With his heel Zach kicked the manuscript all the way under the bed. He started pulling clothes from the closet and throwing them into an empty box. Hed just give them all away. Everything. Hed start over completely in L.A.
After a few minutes Zach realized what an idiot he was being. No matter what he did with his things, burn them, bury them or send them by mail, he would take nothing with him to L.A.
He had nothing anymore. And nothing was very easy to pack.
* * *
More exhausted than shed ever been in her life, Nora dropped her toy bag in the entry hall and didnt even pet the dogs. She stumbled up the stairs of Kingsleys town house and stopped at the second floor. Shed been staying with Kingsley since Saturday not wanting to subject Wesley to the torment of knowing how many jobs she was taking in an effort to get Zach and her aborted novel out of her system. Wesley called every day and every day she texted him the same messageIm fine, kid. Ill be home soon.
Three clients todaytwo men and one woman. The men were actually the easier gigs. One had a foot fetish and would pay through the nose just to kiss her boots for hours on end. The other was a masochist who was at his happiest when he was tied up, called a slut and beaten black and blue. Both were married men, upstanding members of their communities. They came to her to keep their marriages and lives intact. A few hours with her a month and then they could go back to their regular lives until the pressure built up again and they had to let off their secret steam. Women, as usual, were much more work. But at least Nora liked this girl. She was one of Griffins trust fund friends who hadnt come out to her family yet, afraid theyd cut her off until she straightened up. Nora felt sorry for the girlshe knew all too well how difficult it was to tell the truth about who you really were to the people you cared about.
Kingsley had given Nora the room next to his, after she had reluctantly turned down his invitation to join him in his own bed. Zach had accused Kingsley of being her pimp, but it was just one more thing that Zach didnt have a goddamn clue about. Kingsley had saved her life five years ago. They were friends and business partners, and right now, business was good.
Without even bothering to undress, Nora collapsed onto the bed. She didnt have to wait long before Kingsley made his usual nightly appearance.
Comment ?a va? Kingsley asked as he came into the guest room without knocking.
Je suis too fucking exhausted to speak French, monsieur.
Jaccepte. He sat next to her on the edge of the bed. His hair was unbound and hed abandoned his suit jacket for the night. He looked ridiculously dashing in the dark vest and knee boots in a gypsy king sort of way. She decided not to tell him that.
Drink? He held out a glass of wine to her.
God bless. She took a very unladylike gulp of one of Kingsleys best merlots.
The distinguished gentleman from New York called again. He said hed consider changing his vote if you considered changing your mind.
Did he consider upping his offer? Nora hated Senator Palmer. He was a family-values Republican by day and an S&M fiend and pervert by night. When her work got too difficult, she focused on the money. Shed never forget the desperation that had brought her to Kingsley five years ago. Shed learned a long time ago that money didnt buy happiness. But it did buy a roof over your head and that was more than shed had when shed started this job.
He doubled it, chrie.
Doubled it? Our hard-earned taxes at work?
What are taxes? Kingsley asked and they laughed. She prayed the IRS never got a look at Kingsleys books. What should I tell him?
Tell him yes. I dont care. Hes at least easy to please. Any idea why he likes getting the shit kicked out of him by a grown woman in a schoolgirl uniform?
He was the U.S. envoy to Japan for a few years. Perhaps hes read too much manga?
Tell him Wednesday night. And thats it. I need a day off. She stretched out to take the pressure off her aching shoulders. She wished Wesley were here. He had this magic way of rubbing her back that not only made the pain go away, but made her forget how it got there in the first place. Wesleyit had been four days since shed even seen him. Was he eating like he was supposed to? Checking his numbers? Nora forced Wesley-worries out of her mind. Thinking about him hurt almost as much as her back did.
Kingsley tapped the end of her nose to get her attention.
You have a day off. Thursday, recall? A certain member of the clergy would have me in the Judas Chair if I dared interfere with your Holy Thursday ritual.
Nora closed her eyes. Thursdayher anniversary with S?ren.
You know, King, you pretend to be all debased and amoral, but I think, deep down, youre a romantic. You have to stop playing matchmaker. Leaving S?ren was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Going back to him would be the only thing harder.
Mais oui, King said and stood up. But as you know, mon p?re was a Frenchman and I have a Frenchmans heart. We French do love our romances.
S?ren and I arent a romance. Were just a fantasy.
Bien s?r, ma chrie. Kingsley bowed to her as he backed out of the room. You are the writer, after all. You would know your genre, I suppose.
Nora reached out and turned off the light next to the bed. She lay alone in the dark.
I was the writer, she said to the ceiling. And I dont know anything at all.
* * *
Nora stood outside her house and took slow, shallow breaths. They didnt help. She walked to the edge of the porch, leaned over and threw up in the bushes. Life at Chez Kingsley was harder on her than it once was. Shed taken a few too many of her pills, drank more than she needed to, had done and seen things she wished she hadnt. She wiped her mouth and took the house keys from her pocket. She hadnt been home since Saturday. Five days gone and she already felt like a stranger breaking into her own house.
She said nothing as she passed Wesleys room on the way to hers. She was single-minded in her destination. She went to her bedroom and brushed her teeth before sinking into the bathtub fully dressed. That was as much as she could do.
A few minutes later, she heard a gentle knock on the bathroom door.
Im in the bathtub, she said.
Im coming in anyway.
Wesley pushed tentatively through the door wearing a fretful look on his face. She glanced his way but couldnt meet his eyes. He knelt next to the bathtub and laid his head on his crossed arms.
Youre wearing clothes, Nora.
I know.
Theres no water in the tub, he said with the slightest smile on his face.
I said I was in the bathtub. I didnt say I was taking a bath.
Thats true, Wesley conceded. Nice to see you again, stranger.
Im a stranger to myself these days. Dont take it personally.
Any particular reason youre in a school uniform with your hair in pigtails and sitting in an empty bathtub?
Because I need a bath.
You look clean enough to me.
Nora swallowed and started to rock slowly back and forth.
I was with a bad person tonight, she whispered.
The smile left Wesleys face.
Did he hurt you? He paled at the mention of the idea.
I hurt him. Its what he paid me for. After he said thank you. He said Nora pulled her knees tight to her chest. He said hes in love with his twelve-year-old niece and it helped to have someone dress like her and beat it out of him.
Oh, my God, Wesley breathed. What did you do?
Nothing. I wanted to hit him but hitting a masochist is pretty pointless. Wesley? She finally looked him full in his face. For a moment his brown eyes turned silver and she saw Michaels face floating in front of her. What if Im a bad person, too?
Youre not a bad person. If you were a bad person you wouldnt be sitting fully dressed in a bathtub with no water in it because youre terrified you might be a bad person. The devil doesnt worry about going to hell.
Only because hes already there.
Wesley sighed. He reached out, pushed down the bathtub stopper and started the water running. He took her shoes off one by and one and pulled her knee socks down and off her feet.
What are you doing? she asked as the warm water started to surround her.
You said you needed a bath. So youre gonna have a bath. Okay?
Nora nodded. Okay.
Wesley eased the ponytail holders out of her hair and ran his finger through her long locks to loosen them. The water rose up to the top of her thighs. Wesley took some of her bubble bath off the ledge and poured it in. The scent of orchids filled the bathroom as the bubbles rose in a weightless white wave.
Wesley paused and seemed to steel himself. He started to unbutton her shirt as it was quickly getting soaked. She lifted her arms when he tugged to let him pull it off her. The water and bubbles were up to her chest now. Wesley pulled off his flannel overshirt and in his short-sleeved T-shirt he reached into the water and unzipped the back of her short plaid skirt. She raised her hips so he could pull it out from underneath her. He reached back into the water and found her panties. She tried to meet his eyes, but he looked only at the black-and-white tile as he slid her underwear down her legs and discarded the wet cotton onto the pile with the rest of her clothes. She laughed as he struggled with the clasp of her bra.
You men, she said. The bra clasp defeats you every time.
I think a demonic engineer must have designed these things. I may have to get the bolt cutters. Wesley finally got the clasp undone.
Watch out. Bras are often booby-trapped, Nora warned.
Youre out of your mind, Wesley said as she slid the straps of her bra slowly down her shoulders. The bubbles were up to her neck now. She tried to let the heat seep in and relax her, but the tension remained.
You keep saying that. Do you really think Im crazy?
Wesley turned the water off.
Im the virgin living with an erotica writer. I think its pretty safe to say we both need our heads examined.
Nora reached out a wet hand and laid it on top of his halo of blond hair.
You have a good head.
Wesley took her hand and kissed the back of it.
So do you. And a wet head. He grabbed her by the shoulders and dunked her under the water. She came up spitting and laughing.
That, she said, dragging wet hair off her face, was uncalled for.
It was totally called for. Wesley took a bottle of shampoo off the tub ledge and poured some out in his hands. He began massaging it into her soaking hair.
Nora sighed with pleasure as his fingers ran through her hair and rubbed her scalp. Wesley really did have amazing hands. The combination of strength and gentleness threatened to undo her. If she wasnt careful, she was going to start crying.
Youre pretty good at this, kid. Youve given a lot of grown women baths?
Nope. But I have groomed many a filly in my day. This isnt that different.
Thank you for comparing me to a horse.
You compared me to one, he reminded her with a faint blush.
That was a compliment. A big one.
Wesley didnt say anything to that. He leaned her back into the water to rinse the shampoo out of her hair. His fingertips brushed her cheek and forehead.
Wes, are you okay with what happened the other night with us?
He gave her a little half smile as he pulled her back up out of the water.
Of course I am. Is any guy on the planet going to complain about that?
I was just worried that maybe, I dont know, you thought I took advantage of you in your weakened condition.
I had a hard-on, not cancer. I dont think we should make a habit of it, but I dont know. He wiped the soap off her face with a dry towel. I liked it. Nothing more to it.
Is there more to this? She nodded at her naked body hidden under the bubbles.
Sometimes a baths just a bath, he said and flicked water at her.
She laughed as Wesley took the bottle of conditioner off the shelf and began running it through her hair. Before she realized it, tears were mingling with the water and running down her face. She knew Wesley saw but he said nothing, just kept scrubbing her down.
S?ren used to give me baths. She grabbed the towel and swiped at the tears. Its a very dominant thing to be completely clothed while your lover is naked.
I gotta tell you, I dont feel a bit dominant right now.
What do you feel?
He looked at her, looked like he was going to say something to her.
Im just glad youre home. Wet and naked isnt bad, either.
Nora leaned back into the water and did her best to rinse the conditioner out of her hair while Wesley stood up and unfurled a clean towel.
Dont look, she said.
Wesley laughed but didnt object. Closing his eyes he turned his head away. Nora rose out of the water and stepped into the towel. With his eyes still closed, he wrapped it around her. She burst into surprised laughter when he lifted her off her feet and hoisted her over his shoulder. He threw her wet body, towel and all, down on the bed.
Are you going to ravish me now? she asked even though she already knew the answer.
Im going to dress you. Where are your pjs?
The dirty laundry I think. Ive been gone a few days. Sort of let the laundry go.
How about this? Wesley left her for less than a minute while he ran back to his room. He returned with a clean pair of his boxer shorts and one of his T-shirts. Good enough?
Perfect. She slid the shorts on under the towel. Wesley turned his head again when she dropped the towel and pulled his T-shirt on. Sliding into his clothes felt like being in his armsthey were warm and clean and smelled like a summer morning.
She toweled her hair and squeezed as much water out of it as she could while Wesley pulled the covers back. She crawled into her bed and was relieved by the familiar scent of her sheets, the familiar fabric and Wesley so close by.
What time is it? The past few days time had poured through her hands like water. She only knew it was Wednesday because that was the day that came before Thursday.
Almost midnight. Wesley dragged the covers over her. She sighed with pleasure, feeling human for the first time since last Friday.
Almost Thursday. Nora saw a veil fall over Wesleys eyes. He knew exactly what tomorrow was.
Youre gonna go see him? Wesley sat next to her.
She scooted closer and looked up at him with tired eyes.
I have to.
He nodded. He usually argued with her whenever she said she had to do something he knew she didnt have to do. This time he seemed to understand.
You still love him, dont you?
Nora smiled sadly up at him.
Many waters. She ran a hand through her wet hair and let water drop from her fingertips to the floor.
Many waters cannot quench love, Wesley finished the quote. Rivers cannot wash it away.
Nor will rivers overflow it, she corrected. Catholics use the New American.
N.I.V.its what we use in youth group.
I wont let him hurt me. I promised you I wouldnt. I just have to see him. Thats all.
Okay, he said. But youll come home tomorrow night?
Yeah, Ill come home.
Wesley nodded and slid off the side of the bed. He started unbuttoning his jeans.
What are you doing? she asked as he took off his pants and threw them on a nearby chair.
Told you. Its almost midnight. Scoot over.
He stripped out of his T-shirt and Nora moved over to let him slide in next to her. Turning off the bedside lamp, Wesley gathered her to him. She breathed slowly, relaxed onto his chest and melted into his arms. She didnt deserve him, didnt deserve this. He knew she would see S?ren tomorrow, and he didnt hate her for it. She might hate herself, but Wesley would never hate her.
Nora traced his collarbone with her fingertips while Wesley slipped his hand under her shirt and slowly kneaded her lower back. She almost laughed at this foreign sensationfor once in her life she lay in bed with a gorgeous young man, and she had absolutely no desire to seduce him.
Were both wearing your underwear, Nora said after a long silence.
Could be worse. We both could be wearing your underwear.
She smiled, knowing that even more than the bath, just having Wesley so close to her made her feel clean and sane again. When S?ren touched her she became his. When Wesley touched her, she became herself.
Noras hand slid from his chest to his arm. Wesley had twice the muscle she did. He could hurt someone so much more easily than she could, and yet she knew he would never hurt anyone unless he was trying to protect someone else. Shed seen that with her own eyes.
Wes, she said as she felt sleep coming for her.
What, Nor?
I love you, she thought but didnt say the words out loud.
Thanks for the bath.
28
Wesley had already gone by the time Nora rolled out of bed the next morning. Morning? she thought and then looked at the clock. It was already after noon. She dragged herself from the tangle of her sheets.
She went to her closet and dug through it. Today she would do something she did only once a yeardress conservatively. She found her only skirt that went past her knees, her only black shoes with a low heel, her only blouse that wasnt designed to show every inch of cleavage. She even found a strand of pearls shed received as a gift from her grandmother years ago and put them on. She pulled her hair back and up, taming the wavy mane as best she could and applied half her usual amount of makeup.
Today she was going to church.
As Nora drove she fought off the twin demons of eagerness and fear that this day always visited upon her. Shortly after three she pulled into the parking lot at Sacred Heart Catholic Church. Shed been christened here as an infant, made her First Communion here, and this was where she first saw S?ren over eighteen years ago.
Sacred Heart had thrived under S?rens watch. From barely over a hundred members, the church had trebled in size during his time here. A handsome polyglot only twenty-nine years old when first he arrived, he was everything priests were not usually known for beingerudite, witty and charming. Two other priests in nearby diocese had been removed from their posts for allegations of sexual offenses in the past two decades. Catholic parents brought their children to Sacred Heart in droves. They knew Father S. could be trusted. And although Nora knew who he was with her behind closed bedroom doors, those parents were right to trust him.
It was funny, she thought as she entered through the front doors of Sacred Heart, how little she remembered of her childhood here. Even Father Greg, S?rens predecessor, wavered in her mind as little more than a memory of elderly kindness. Then one Sunday when she was fifteen years old, S?ren had come like an Annunciation; it was as if God Himself had hailed her by name.
She paused in the foyer and glanced around. FoyerS?ren always corrected her when she called it that. Its the narthex, Eleanor, hed said, hiding his smile. Not the foyer. Next time she referred to it in his presence shed called it the lobby.
Glancing around, Nora tried to sift through the thousands of memories that descended on her. She saw the little shrine to the Virgin Mary in the corner of the entryway and the burning candles beneath her. Nora stood before the shrine, closed her eyes and remembered
Shed been sixteen years old, almost seventeen, and her best and only friend was a girl named Jordan. Introverted and shy, Jordan had no idea she was also quietly beautiful. Theyd gone to the same Catholic high school, had most of the same classesall the same but for English her junior year. Nora had been in the highest-level class and Jordan, never the writer Nora was, had an easier teacher. Nora would never forget the ashen look on Jordans face one day after school. It took three days for Nora to drag it out of herJordans English teacher, a married man in his forties, had kept her after class and put his hand up her shirt. Hed offered her an easy A in the class in exchange for the obvious. Nora had been livid and threatened to beat the teacher to death with her bare hands. Jordan had sobbed, terrified that no one would believe her, that no one would help her. After all, this English teacher was also the basketball coach, and the team was having the best season in years. Jordan made Nora promise not to tell the school, and in return Nora made Jordan promise to tell Father S. To this day Nora still didnt know what S?ren had done or said to the teacher. She only knew S?ren had gone to her school on a Friday and by Monday the teacher was gone.
Nora had raced to church after school that day and found S?ren praying here by the shrine to the Virgin Mary. Shed told him how grateful Jordan was, how shocked the whole school was, how nobody knew why the coach had left so abruptly.
S?ren hadnt smiled. Hed only lit a candle.
Was that hard to do? She remembered standing in this very spot and asking him that question. Telling that guy off?
It was frighteningly easy to put the fear of God into him, S?ren had said. And almost enjoyable. Why do you ask, Eleanor?
Shed zipped up her hooded sweatshirt and plucked nervously at the ragged cuffs. I thought it might be hard for you. You know, since youre in love with me.
S?ren had met her eyes and she saw shed actually managed to catch him off guard, one of the few times in their eighteen years she had.
Eleanor, there are suicide bombers on the Gaza Strip who are less dangerous than you are. He started toward his office. She followed him, nearly running to keep up with his long strides.
Im going to take that as a yes, shed said when they arrived at his office door.
Ive always been an admirer of the Cistercian monks. S?ren stepped into his office. Especially their vow of silence. And hed closed the door in her face.
Shed smiled nonstop for the next two weeks.
Nora opened her eyes and stepped away from the shrine and out of the memory. Her heels clicked on the hardwood floors grown slick and shiny with age. She thought shed find S?ren in his office working. But she paused outside the sanctuary when she heard the sound of a piano wafting through the heavy wooden doors. Inhaling the muted notes, she slipped inside the nave and stepped quietly toward the chancel where S?ren sat at a grand piano.
He didnt look up at her as she came to the piano. She placed her hands flat on its polished black top. Closing her eyes again, she let the subtle waves vibrate through her and into her. The last note shivered up her arms and down to her feet. As the note echoed throughout the nave and back to the altar Nora opened her eyes.
The Moonlight Sonata, Nora said. My favorite.
S?ren smiled and played a few stray notes.
I know it is.
Nora returned the smile and leaned forward, running her hand over the smooth black surface.
Happy anniversary, S?ren.
S?ren smiled again, one of his rare, genuine smiles that reached his eyes. Something caught in her chest and she let her own smile fade.
Happy anniversary, little one, he said, his voice as gentle as the last note of the sonata.
With those four words came a thousand more memories. She and S?ren had never, would never marry, had never dated in the traditional sense of the word, but never had they questioned what day would become the signifier of the beginning of their life together. The first time S?ren had beaten her and then taken her virginity was thirteen years ago on Holy Thursday, the day before Good Friday, the day when Christ celebrated His Last Supper. Jesus, God Incarnate, had knelt before His disciples and washed their feet on this night. Thirteen years ago tonight S?ren had done the same to her. Even as the liturgical calendar changed, they never once considered celebrating their anniversary on any other day but this too-neglected holy day, this last night of Christs freedom before He was taken, this last night to share a quiet moment alone with those He loved.
S?ren began playing the haunting melody again, and she let it draw her inexorably into its insistent rhythms. She watched his hands, his perfect pianists hands, and recalled all too well how intimately she knew those hands, how intimately they knew her. One courageous strand of S?rens perfect blond hair threatened to fall over his forehead. She longed to reach out and brush it back.
You played this for me that night, she said as the music faded. Nora closed her eyes and let the past come to her. You were playing it when I came to the rectory. She remembered that night like yesterday, slipping in through the tree-shrouded back door, following the music to S?rens elegant living room. She stood in silence and watched the priest who would become her lover that night play by the light of a single candle the worlds most beautiful piece of music as if it had been written by him and for her. The next morning I woke up in your bed for the first time.
The best morning of my life, S?ren said.
And mine. Nora felt the old tug of love and straightened, trying to brush it off her. When did the church get a grand piano?
S?ren smiled.
A mysterious stranger had an Imperial B?sendorfer delivered to my home on my most recent birthday. I donated my Steinway to the church.
That was very generous of that mysterious stranger, Nora said with a sheepish grin.
Very generous indeed. Although the Steinway still plays beautifully.
Its had a tricky sustain pedal for ages.
Yes, and whose fault is that?
That is not my fault, Nora protested. Do you recall what you were doing to me at the time? I had to hold on to something, didnt I?
S?ren looked down at his hands. His fingers hovered over the keyboard playing soundless phantom notes.
You could have held on to me.
Nora only swallowed, finding herself in a rare moment of speechlessness. Perhaps sensing her discomfort, S?ren dropped his hands to the keyboard and began playing again.
The Moonlight Sonata is a strange piece of music, S?ren said. Its been called a Lamentation. You can feel that when you play it, can feel the sorrow and the need in the endless repetitions. Its simple to play but maddeningly difficult to play well. The arpeggios allow great freedom of expression. Too much freedom in untutored, unskilled hands. They say Beethoven wrote it for a seventeen-year-old countess, the Countess Giulietta Guicciardi. He may have loved her. More likely he was simply trying to seduce her.
It would have worked for me.
It did work for you.
This time Nora smiled at the memories S?rens words conjured. Again she slid her hands lovingly over the piano. My God, the crimes against nature that have been committed on this piano.
I hope you arent referring to my playing.
Never. I know how gifted those hands of yours are.
Some decorum please. We are in a church, Eleanor, S?ren reminded her with only a playful hint of sternness about his lips.
Forgive me, Father. She composed her features into a pantomime mask of contrition.
Of course, little one. I can forgive you anything. But dont think you wont be called upon to do your penance someday.
Before she could respond, the unmistakable squeak of sneakers on hardwood sounded outside the door. Another louder squeak followed that one and then the shrieking giggles of children.
Duty calls. S?ren rose from the bench.
Nora walked with him down the aisles and into the hall outside the sanctuary. They followed the sound of the children from the church to the annex that housed the fellowship hall and the church kitchen. S?ren led her into the fellowship hall that was part gymnasium, part reception area, and before her was a scene of animal chaos. Her mental description proved even more apt as a boy dressed as a sheep careened by them.
What on earth? Nora asked as they found a quiet place near the kitchen.
The children are practicing for Sundays Passion play, S?ren explained.
Everywhere children ran to parents, from parents, sometimes through parents. As S?rens presence became known, however, the din quieted and order began to reassert itself. She had always admired that about S?ren. He let his presence speak far more often than his words.
Noras eyes stopped on a woman who looked vaguely familiar. As her features came into better focus, Nora placed a name to the faceNancy James, one of her favorite mothers here. Sometimes it was hard for Nora to imagine that it was only five years ago that she still attended this church, babysat these kids, chatted with these parents. Nora was finally able to catch her eye and smile. It took Nancy a moment but then she returned the smile with full recognition. Five yearsit felt like just yesterday, it felt like a million years ago.
Did they know about us? Nora inclined her head toward a group of parents. She kept her voice unnecessarily low. With all the children she could have screamed the question at S?ren without fear.
I am still a priest. I believe it is safe to assume they either never suspected or they never cared.
Nora laughed coldly. Ex-con Elle Schreiber and the sainted Father Stearns? Of course they never suspected.
Eleanor, they never thought as ill of you as you believed. When you come back, you will be welcomed with open arms.
Im not coming back.
A faint smile played at the corner of S?rens exquisite lips.
And yet you are here.
Nora started to argue, but she caught a glimpse of mirror-pale eyes across the room and froze.
Michael she breathed.
Yes, hes helping with the Passion play this year. Hes quite good with the children. Around them he can relax, which is difficult for him in other situations.
At the moment Michael looked anything but relaxed. His long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail but she could see frustrated strands loose about his face. Children bustled around him frantically. He straightened haloes, retied wings, wrestled the little angels A shepherd nearly plowed into him and he laughed and slid out of the way.
Is he okay? Nora asked, a knife of guilt threatening to cut into her.
He and his mother started attending here over two years ago. This is truly the most contented Ive ever seen him. Hes at peace now. Almost happy. There is a new look in his eyes. Relief.
Reliefthat he isnt alone?
Yes. I told him about us, who we are, the other world we live in. I realize I was taking a great chance by doing so, but he had listened all too well to his fathers words and convinced himself that he was sick and depraved for his desires. But telling only goes so far
Show, dont tell, Nora said with a grim smile and made herself not think of Zach. Its not fair, you know. Its such a double standard. You let me have Michael and hes only fifteen. But you made me wait until I was twenty.
S?ren inhaled slowly. That was my mistake.
Miracles do happen. You just admitted to a mistake. What was your mistake? Not fucking me sooner?
It was my mistake he turned and met her eyes thinking we had all the time in the world.
Noras heart contracted in her chest. She studied Michael from across the room. He was far from jubilant, but she could see his posture had eased and he had a light in his eyes. She would never have guessed from just looking at him that he wore such fearsome scars under his wristbands.
You owe Michael a small debt of gratitude, Eleanor. S?ren interrupted her melancholy meditation. I had counted the day you left as the worst day of my life. The day I knelt in the back of an ambulance and administered last rites to a fourteen-year-old boy
Knocked me out of first place, did he?
Perhaps a tie for first.
His scars are horrific. I cant believe he survived that.
It was not a premeditated attempt. He broke glass and slashed fast. He bled profusely but not fast enough that we didnt have time to save him. Still, the attending physician called his survival a miracle.
Im glad he made it. Hes a sweet kid.
As Nora said the words, Michael looked in their direction for the first time. His silver eyes widened with shock at the sight of her. His skin flushed and a look of pure panic eclipsed his face.
S?ren Nora was afraid Michael was about to lose it.
Just watch, Eleanor.
Michael kept looking at her. But she did as S?ren ordered. Michael closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The red faded from his face, his body went calm and slack. He opened his eyes again and met her gaze once more. And then, of all things, he smiled at her.
Hes fine, S?ren said. He is one of us after all.
You care about him very much. I can tell, she said.
Hes become like a son to me.
How sweet. Like Abraham and Isaac.
I know you are still angry that I didnt tell you his age. Had I told you, would anything have been different? Apart from this impressive claim to righteous indignation?
Nora opened her mouth to protest but a boy of about five or six squealed past them.
Owen! S?ren called out, freezing the little boy in his tracks. Come here, young man.
S?ren snapped his fingers and pointed at a spot on the floor in front of him. Little Owen slumped over and slunk to the spot. Nora had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. Owen was the cutest little thing with his curly black hair sticking out in all directions.
Yes, Father S.? the boy asked and kicked at the hardwood, making his soles squeak on purpose.
Owen, please examine your shoes.
Obediently Owen looked down. His whole body heaved the most forlorn sigh shed ever heard come from a child.
I forgot. Owen looked up at S?ren with pleading eyes.
You forgot to tie them or you forgot how to tie them? S?ren asked.
I forgot how.
Eleanor? I believe this is your area of expertise.
Ill try, but Im a little out of practice.
Nora knelt in front of him and attempted to demonstrate the bunny rabbit method, the two loops as ears and the loop around the loop Owen just watched her with his grave eyes.
Does that make any sense, Owen? she asked as she stood up again.
I dont know. Its just so hard. Thank you.
Youre very welcome, Owen.
Nora watched as S?ren reached out and placed the tip of his finger between Owens eyes. Owens eyes crossed and both he and S?ren laughed. Youre dismissed. But do try to stay in the slow lane, please.
Owen took off again, but this time at a more restrained pace.
Nora glanced across the hall, past the tables to where the parents sat talking among themselves but never taking their eyes off their kids.
I wanted to have your children once, she said, not looking in his eyes.
I told you, Michael is like a son to me. And you had him, did you not?
Nora inhaled sharply. Theres a difference between sadism and cruelty. I hope you learn that someday.
Remind me which of those you prefer?
Im going, S?ren. Thank you for another lovely anniversary.
Nora turned on her heel and strode from the hall. She heard footsteps behind her but kept walking. She only made it as far as the entryway when she heard her name.
She stopped and turned around to face S?ren.
Its hard enough for me to come to this place again and see you, she said. You dont have to make it harder.
S?ren raised a hand to the side of her face. He brushed her cheek with his fingertips. She glanced around to make sure no one was there watching them. It was a habit shed never break.
Forgive me. This is difficult for me, as well.
I didnt think anything was difficult for you.
S?ren lowered his hand and stepped out of the sunlight and into the shadows by the shrine of the Virgin Mary.
Surely you of all people cannot think so highly of me.
Nora smiled and followed him into the shadows.
The day I first saw you, I thought you were omnipotent.
You were fifteen, Eleanor.
I still think that.
S?rens laugh was empty and somber.
If I were omnipotent you would still be with me, little one. I didnt have the strength to stop you from leaving.
You did, she said. But you loved me too much to use it.
Perhaps Ive always loved you too much. S?ren turned his eyes up to the Virgin Mary statue. Our mutual acquaintance tells me youve given up work on your book.
Nora tugged at her shirt cuffs.
Zach found out about what I do. He killed the deal.
Surely you can write without him.
Im not sure I can. He made me see my book with new eyes. I was just a smutty storyteller before him. For a little while I felt like a real writer.
Answer a question for me, Eleanor. Why did you begin your work with our monsieur?
I had nothing. He offered me a job.
You could have worked any number of jobs. Why that one?
He said Id make a lot of money working very few hours. I thought it would give me She stopped and swallowed. I thought it would give me time to write.
Your work with Kingsley was merely a means to an end. It was never meant to be the end.
Nora didnt know how to answer that.
S?ren reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small black velvet bag and placed it in her hand.
Whats this? she asked.
Your real anniversary gift.
Nora opened the bag and a silver pendant on a chain poured out into her hand. She held it close to her eyes.
A saints medal. She laughed. I havent worn one of these in years. Who is it? St. Michael? St. Mary Magdalene?
St. John the Apostle actually.
St. Johnpatron saint of fools and ex-lovers? she hazarded a guess.
No, S?ren said, his voice and eyes gentle. The patron saint of writers.
Noras hand shook slightly and she couldnt quite get the necklace on.
S?ren took the medal from her and clasped it around her neck. She closed her eyes and relished the brief moment when his arms encircled her.
Our Lord Jesus had twelve disciples, S?ren said, taking a step back. After His Ascension all were scattered to the four winds and were persecuted unto death. Oddly enough it was only St. John, Patron Saint of Writers, who didnt die a martyr.
You always hated it when I played martyr. You know, Im not sure I deserve to wear this.
Genesis 1:1, God said let there be light and there was light God created the world with words, Eleanor. Words are the thread in the fabric of the universe. You write because it brings you closer to God. I was foolish enough once to think I could do that for you. I know better now. This is who you are.
Zach doesnt think so.
Then hes a bigger fool than I was. I know you, little one. You wrote your way out of hell once. You can do it again.
The books not done, not even close, and Ive only got a week left before he leaves for L.A. Not that hell even bother to read it if I do get it done.
Then in your vernacular, Eleanorfuck him. Finish the book. Not for me or for Zachary or for Wesley or even for God. Finish it for you.
Nora laughed against her tears.
Is that an order?
Does it need to be?
Nora thought about it a moment, thought about the energy that now surged through her veins. She had one week before Zach left for L.A. What if she did finish it without him? She could walk up to him and throw the book in his face. The contract be damned. Shed finish it just because she wanted to know how it ended.
No, I think Ive got this one.
Then go. S?ren nodded to the entrance.
Nora almost ran to the door. But she stopped at the last moment and turned around.
You could have kept me, you do know that, dont you? she asked.
S?ren struck a match and lit a candle under the shrine.
I would that you had kept me.
Nora didnt, couldnt speak. But it didnt matter if she spoke or not, as long as she could write. She stepped out of the foyer and into the sunlight. She took one last look back at Sacred Heart and knew her most sacred heart remained inside. Sometimes, she thought to herself, I wish youd kept me, too.
* * *
Wesley was waiting for her in the living room when she got back to the house. He wore a look of profound relief when he saw that she was unharmed. She smiled at how much more thankful he would be in just a few minutes.
You came home, he said.
Ive got a book to write.
A smile as bright as the sun spread across Wesleys face. But it wavered when he held out her red hotline phone.
It rang while you were gone.
Nora took the phone from his hands and pressed the number eight. For herself and no one else she would finish the book. But this at least she could do for Wesley.
Pardonnez-moi, madame, Kingsley began as he answered the phone. Mais
Forget it, King. Dont take this personally, but Mistress Nora is out of business.
For how long this time, chrie? She heard the laughter in his voice.
Nora looked at Wesley and smiled.
Forever.
She dropped the phone on the floor. With one quick stomp she smashed the cell phone with the heel of her shoe.
Wesley hugged her so hard he lifted her off the ground.
Down boy. I dont have a lot of time and Ive got a helluva lot to write. Brew coffee and turn off all the phones, unplug the internet, dont answer the door. For the next week, its nothing but all-nighters.
I thought you said Zach said
Fuck Zach. Im writing it for me.
29
One week left
Zach sipped his coffee and grimaced.
You know, you should really let me make the coffee, boss. Mary entered his office holding a Starbucks cup. She passed it to him, and he took it with gratitude. Yours is disgusting.
Youd think with a doctorate from Oxford Id have learned how to make a proper cup of coffee somewhere along the way.
Some of us have the gift. Some dont. Poor you, swilling gross coffee all your life.
Zach grinned at her as she sat in the chair across his desk. Grace always made our coffee. She had the gift apparently, Zach said. American coffee is vastly superior to English coffee anyway. She knew some little shop in London that carried the real beans. She got up early to brew it every morning.
She sounds like a keeper. Mary smiled and then seemed to realize shed said something she shouldnt. Im sorry, Zach.
Its all right. Its apparently no secret that Grace and I fell apart. Even that arse Finley knows.
Mary shuddered with revulsion. I cant believe he went to all that trouble, leaving all those dirty little presents, just to get under your skin. And then all that stuff he said about NoraI never told you this, but I really like Noras books.
Mary, I had no idea you were of that persuasion.
I wouldnt say I was of that persuasion, but I do love a good story. And she writes some torrid ones.
Her life is her most torrid story, Zach said.
You say that like its a bad thing.
Mary, her books arent the only thing she sells.
Yeah, I heard she was the real thing. I cant believe Ive been working for someone who was working with a real live Dominatrix.
Not simply a Dominatrix. The Dominatrix apparently. I cant have it. Shes just supposed to write about it. Shes not supposed to live it.
She doesnt write murder stories, boss. She doesnt kill people on paper and in real life. She just
Beats them on paper and in real life, Zach finished for her.
But they like it. Slightly lower rung on the ladder of horror than murder and rape, dont you think?
Mary, you dont mind your husband had other lovers before he met you, do you?
Of course not. I had my fair share, too.
Now, would you mind if you found out these other lovers had paid him for sex?
Mary laughed at the idea. I see your point. But still
I can accept it as a private practice between consenting adults. But to do it with strangers for money?
Mary exhaled and rolled her eyes.
Boss, do you really think her personal life means she doesnt deserve to be published? Thats a little harsh, dont you think? Is this really about her book?
Zach looked at Mary.
Please dont share this with anyone
Jesus, Zach, Im not J.P. You can tell me anything.
Nora and I It wasnt strictly business.
She nodded her head. Well, obviously. Your mood definitely improved when you started working with her. Is that why youre so pissed?
She lied to me. Thats what I cant get over. I cared about her. For the first time since Grace and I separated I could vaguely imagine myself happy again. Or at least not miserable anymore.
Maybe she was imagining the same thing with you. Maybe thats why she was afraid to tell you. Or maybe she just wanted you to see her as a writer and not as, I dont know, a character.
Zach sighed. He knew Mary had a point. He just didnt want to admit it yet.
Tell me something, boss. What do you think is the highest form of art?
Literature, he answered without hesitation. Painters and sculptors require elaborate supplies and tools. Dancers must have music. Musicians must have instruments. Literature needs nothing but a voice to speak it or sand to scrawl it in.
Mary walked to his office bookshelf and pulled down three Royal House titles. She laid them facedown on top of his desk. She pointed one by one at the UPC barcodes on the back.
Even the highest form of art is for sale, Zach. And you, editor extraordinaire, help up the price.
Zach met her eyes. You think Im a prude.
Prudeish. Poor J.P. was heartbroken when you told him it wasnt going to work out with Nora.
I know. He looked like a boy whose puppy just died. But he kept his promise.
He trusts you. If you say the book shouldnt be published, he wont publish the book. Do you really think the book shouldnt be published?
Zach stared at Mary. Twenty-eight years old and she was far wiser than he. She was right. At least Nora deserved a chance to tell her side of the story.
You deserve a raise.
For what? Bringing you coffee?
And telling me off. And coming in on a Sunday to help me clean house a little.
Its Easter Sunday. You and I are both members of the tribe. Might as well. Besides, youre the best boss Ive ever had.
And youre by far my best assistant ever. Here. He dug in his messenger bag and pulled out Finleys most recent gift to him. Would you like to have these? Finleys last gift. Earrings, I think.
Mary opened the box and burst out laughing.
What? Zach asked.
Nice nipple clamps, boss.
Heat rushed to Zachs face. Nipple clamps? I should have known.
Well, they do look a lot like clip-on earrings, she said.
But you knew what they were immediately. Zach raised his eyebrow at her.
Mary looked up to the heavens in feigned innocence. I dont know. Maybe I am of that persuasion. She stood up and headed for the door.
You think I should call Nora? Zach asked. Mary turned around.
I think you should think about it, Mary said as she left his office.
He picked up the phone and dialed Noras house number, but there was no answer. He called her cell phone but it went directly to voice mail. He sent her an email that said only, Will you call me please? but got an automatically generated away message back from her. All it said was, To Whom It May Concern: Fuck off. Im busy.
He sighed and gave up. He could only imagine what she was so busy doing. Even on Easter Sunday, a day that meant nothing to him but he knew was very important to Catholics, she was clearly hard at work at her other job.
Hed tried to call her. It just wasnt meant to be. He considered calling Grace. He picked up the phone again, stared at it, then put it back down.
* * *
He sighed, knowing he was caught. It amused him to think that while he was ostensibly in charge of every aspect of her life, Caroline still believed she could control his choice of reading material. Her benign feminine disapproval trumped any act of dominance he could muster.
In the effort to retain my status as the dominant partner in this relationship, consider the following a preemptive strikeI give you permission to criticize my book, William said to Caroline as she knelt on the ground at his feet.
Camus again? Hes so bleak and melancholy, Caroline chided him. You cant really think theres something noble about pushing a rock up a hill for all eternity, do you, sir?
Its noble because Sisyphus is doing something more than nothing. He knows his task is meaningless and that the world is absurd, but he continues, refusing to surrender to the futility. It is both profound and noble.
Its depressing. And Camus was an atheist, right? she countered, resting her chin on his knee.
He was, yes.
Then Sisyphuss something is still nothing. Without God life has no ultimate meaning. Pushing the rock up the hill is no nobler than leaving it at the bottom and just killing yourself.
William smiled down at her as he twisted his fingers into her hair. My little Kierkegaardif it were proved to me right now that heavens throne sat empty and at the center of all that exists nothing but a bleak and empty voidI would still make love to you tonight with the same ferocity as I made love to you last night. Is that not a better response than celibacy?
She blushed like a new bride. I think thats a trick question, sir.
No trick at all. He closed his book and set it aside. And what are you reading now?
I found an old copy of some O. Henry short stories. We read The Gift of the Magi my freshman year in high school, but I dont think Ive read anything by him since.
Ah, yes. The young couple, desperately poor but deeply in loveshe sells her only possession, her lustrous long hair to buy a chain for her husbands pocket watchand her husband sells his only possession, his pocket watch to buy his wife combs for her lustrous long hair. On the altar of love they sacrifice the only things they have of value.
They have each other, she said, her voice little more than a whisper.
Oh, yes, of course. They have each other. William pulled his hand from her hair and picked up his book again. And you say Camus is melancholy.
Hey, Sinner Still in Her PJs, Wesley said, peeking into her office. Can you afford a five-minute break?
I need a five-minute break. Nora pushed away from her desk and looked at Wesley up and down. A suit and a tie. Very GQ.
He bowed at her.
Its Easter, Nora. Could you not even tear yourself away from your book long enough to go to church on Easter?
If Id gone to church it would have been Sacred Heart.
Wesley grimaced.
Good point. Hows the book coming? He sat in her armchair across from her desk.
Okay. Its harder not having the daily feedback. Ive gotten used to that. But its progressing. Im dreading the big scene, though.
Whats the problem? Wesley loosened his tie.
Nora put her elbows on her desk and rubbed her temples.
Its a mess. Its the most important scene in the book.
So its a sex scene.
Right. But its really difficult for me to write. My guy in the book is pure kink. My girl is vanilla but trying to be what he wants her to be. But this is the scene where he gives in and tries to be what she wants. Its hard to write vanilla sex when youve never actually had vanilla sex.
Can I help?
You want to help me write a sex scene?
Wesley shrugged. Ive helped you before.
Yeah, and you swore youd never help me with a scene again after the last time. Which I thought was an overreaction on your part.
You left me hog-tied on the floor while you made yourself a sandwich.
I offered to share.
Suit yourself. Im getting out of these clothes before I suffocate. Holler when you want lunch. He got up and headed for the door.
Nora looked down at the morass of notes about the big scene.
Wes?
Yes, maam? He spun around in her doorway.
You can help me. I need all the help I can get.
No comment. Tell me what to do.
Go change first. Meet me in my room when youre done.
Wesley bowed again and yanked his tie off on the way out of her office.
Nora printed off her most recent draft of the big scene. Shed have to be careful and not let Wesley see the pages or he might be upset by one or two things he read.
She entered her room and found Wesley already lounging against a mound of pillows piled against the headboard of her massive bed with one leg bent at the knee, his arm resting on it. He now was barefoot and wore only jeans and a white T-shirt. With the sunlight in his sandy-blond hair, Wesley looked even more enticing than usual, and for a moment Nora couldnt quite think of what she was doing. He looked at her and didnt smile but only raised his chin slightly as if he knew exactly what she was thinking. Had she seen that expression on the face of any other man she would have assumed it was a come-on.
So whats going on here? Wesley asked as Nora hopped up on the bed next to him.
Its hard to explain completely unless youve read the whole book, which you havent.
You wont let me.
You can read it when its done. Maybe.
Youve let me read rough drafts before.
Are we going to argue or have pretend sex?
Wesley exhaled. Pretend sex, I guess. What am I doing?
Sleeping in bed. Shes sleeping on the floor.
He makes her sleep on the floor?
He gives her a blanket.
Very romantic.
Nora glanced down at her pages, still warm from the printer. Okay, Im her. I wake up and have to have you because while I know we dont belong together, that doesnt change the fact that I love you and want to try to make it work.
Wesley nodded.
You pretend to be asleep, Nora instructed. Then Ill wake you up. Then youll let me make love to you.
Nora expected a laugh or a protest but Wesley only tilted his head just slightly and sank deeper into her pillows.
Okay, Nora, he said, his voice low and serious. Make love to me then.
Tremors rippled through Noras fingers as if her hands had fallen asleep and were just now beginning to awaken. To cover her sudden nervousness, she purposefully scanned her scene, looking for a good place to start.
Nora took a deep breath and reached out. Wesley was feigning sleep. His head was turned to the side and his eyes were closed. His blond eyelashes lay on his tan cheeks. She touched his face as gently as she could and his eyes fluttered open.
What do I do? he asked.
He grabs her wrist. Hard but not viciously.
Wesley raised his hand and clasped Noras wrist. She wondered if he could feel her pulse racing.
Then what? Wesley stroked her wrist with his thumb.
He says to her, You know thats against the rules.
And she says?
Nora paused. The light in the room changed as a cloud swallowed the sun and everything was thrown into pale shadows. The darkening room seemed suddenly and dangerously intimate, but she didnt dare stop. She knew how fragile, how easily shattered such a moment was. Her body tensed. The room held its breath.
She says, This isnt about the game. Its just me now. I want, just once, to be with just you.
And he says?
He doesnt say anything. They look at each other in the dark until she saysplease.
Noras and Wesleys eyes met.
Please, Wesley repeated. Then what happens?
The big momenthes been in control the whole time, totally in charge. This is when he lets go and gives himself into her hands. He surrenders.
Wesley nodded his head solemnly. And she?
She kisses him. Nora laid her hand on Wesleys chest. And he lets her.
Nora leaned in even farther, expecting Wesley to stop her at any moment. When he didnt she nearly stopped herself, but after the briefest hesitation she pressed her lips to his. Opening her mouth, she brushed his bottom lip with the tip of her tongue and his mouth opened to hers.
A million times perhaps Nora had imagined what it would be like to finally kiss him. But as they grew to be best friends shed tried to stop thinking of him like that. Their friendship was too fragileit rested on the edge of a knifes blade. Her resolve to love him without making love to him wavered at times, but her profound respect for him kept dragging her wayward heart and body back in line. But as his untutored lips trembled under her lips, and his tongue tentatively sought hers, that resolve threw itself onto that blade, sliced itself in two, slid to the ground and died there, quiet and happy and without any further protest.
What happens next? Wesley whispered when Nora paused for a breath.
She pulls the covers off him and kisses him from neck to hip.
She doesnt take his pajamas off first?
He sleeps naked. So does she, of course.
Wesley smiled at her and she saw desire in his eyes.
Of course.
Nora pulled back a little and watched Wesley. In the space between them hovered a question that only Wesley could answer.
He rose up and with that enviable masculine grace pulled his T-shirt off and threw it on the floor. But hed been shirtless around her a thousand times. She waited.
Nora studied his hands for any sign of nervousness, but his fingers didnt quiver at all as he gathered the fabric of her silk camisole in his hands and pulled it off her. She watched him study her naked curves. His gaze of innocent wonder was more erotic than any lascivious stare shed ever received.
Dont look at me like that, Wes. You gave me a bath a few nights ago.
The bubbles were in the way. Wesley tore his gaze from her breasts and met her eyes. Youre so beautiful.
So are you.
Nora fell into his arms again and their mouths met. This time the kiss wasnt remotely tentative. Wesleys lips sought hers again and again, his tongue found hers, his arms encircled her and pushed her onto her back. He gasped as her lips met his skin. He tilted his chin back to give her better access, access that she took eager advantage of caressing his shoulders, his chest and his collarbone with her mouth. She felt unleashed at last, finally free to touch every inch of him as shed wanted for so long.
How am I supposed to do this again? he whispered in her ear.
You just kiss her anywhere and everywhere you want to kiss her she said, remembering the first night shed slept next to him, the first time she touched him.
Anywhere and everywhere Wesley kissed his way from her neck to her breasts. He paused for a moment and looked at her before lowering his head and taking one of her nipples in his mouth. She arched underneath him and sighed with pleasure. He was eager but gentle. It was the strangest sensation. Her instincts told her to throw him on his back, tie him down and have her way with him. Lying there so passively while he touched and kissed her felt so unusual, as if he was making love to her in a foreign language, a beautiful language to hear, but one she didnt understand.
Wesley brought his mouth to hers again and shifted so that his body was on top of hers, his full weight down on her, his hips pressing into hers. He pushed her arms over her head and she smiledthis she was used to. But instead of holding her down by her wrists, Wesley twined his fingers into hers. Something caught in her chest at the simple gesture of tenderness.
Pausing from the kiss, Wesley pulled back and looked down at her and searched her face as though he couldnt believe she was real.
Please tell me this means as much to you as it does to me, he begged.
Nora swallowed a lump in her throat. Im terrified, Wes. I think it may even mean more to me.
Shaking his head, he smiled. Not possible.
Wesley released her hands and pulled her into his arms. His body radiated warmth and she couldnt seem to get enough of his skin. She wrapped a leg over his back and Wesley pressed his forehead to the center of her chest. Nora felt a flutter of fear when she remembered this was Wesley and he would never have sex with anyone he wasnt in love with. The only person shed ever had sex with who loved her was S?ren. S?ren
Wes, stop for a second.
Wesley pulled away from her and she saw the fear in his eyes.
I wasnt hurting you, was I?
She rolled up and pulled her legs to her chest.
No, you werent hurting me at all. I just She panted a little. I just need a second. I told you, Ive never had vanilla sex before.
Wesley laughed a little.
Are you a virgin, too?
She met his eyes and smiled.
Guess so.
Wesley reached out and ran his hand through her hair.
Nora, I dont think I can do what you do. Ive never even had normal sex much lessyou know.
Nora took short breaths. I know. Ill try, too.
She pulled Wesley to her again. She wasnt sure how to do this, how to just let go and let him make love to her. They kissed and he pushed her onto her back. A strange panic set it. This wasnt who she was. Nora Sutherlin didnt have vanilla sex. She didnt do missionary position. The last time she had sex on her back and face-to-face was with S?ren, and shed been in four-point restraints. She didnt know the rules to this game. But she knew if this happened, if they made love right now, he would believe she loved him as much as he loved her. He wasnt just giving her his body. He was giving her his heart.
Talk to me, Wesley, she begged. He grew more courageous with every kiss. His hands roamed over her arms, her breasts, and even slid between her legs and caressed her through the fabric of her silk pajamas. Tell me what you want to do.
Wesley placed a hand on the side of her face and caressed her cheekbone with his thumb.
I want to be inside you. He breathed the words.
She reached between them and unbuttoned his jeans.
Nora She heard a note of panic in his voice.
We can get under the covers. Would that help? She hoped he would say yes. Maybe it would help her, too.
Im the guy. Im the one who should be saying that, Wesley said with a rueful smile.
Dont worry about it. Im older and a slut. Let me handle it, okay? Could she handle it? She wanted to stop, wanted to talk to him before they went any further. She hadnt been nervous like this in years. The night she gave her virginity to S?ren felt like destiny. This felt like fear.
Wesley laughed. Okay. Yeah, I would feel much more comfortable under the covers.
Nora scooted off one side of the bed as Wesley slid off the other. As they pulled the sheets back, the pages of her novel fell off the bed and to the floor. Wesley picked them up and glanced at them.
Nora crawled across the bed toward him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. But Wesley didnt respond. He just kept reading.
Its just fiction. Nora kissed his shoulder.
William and Caroline? Wesley finally tore his eyes from the page. Thats your fathers name and my mothers name. Is this about us?
Nora shook her head. No, not really.
Not really? Wesley took a step away from her and grabbed his shirt off the floor. Feeling both defeated and relieved, Nora pulled her camisole back on and sat cross-legged on the bed.
No, it isnt our story. Hes not quite me. Shes not quite you. Its just inspired by us, by things Ive thought about because of our relationship. Theyre lovers. Were just friends. Or were. Jesus, Wes. Did you plan this? Nora couldnt quite finish the question; the enormity of what theyd almost done together finally hitting her as she surveyed her disheveled bed.
You quit your other job. I thought now maybe it might mean as much to you
God, Wesley, it does mean as much to me.
Or is this just about your book? he asked, holding the pages in his hand. He glanced down and scanned them. The Gift of the Magi. Thats my favorite short story.
I know. Its what theyre talking about the evening before this scene happens, about what people have to give up when theyre together.
So what is his watch? My virginity? I was ready to give that to you.
Your innocence. So much more valuable and so much more traumatic to lose.
And her hair, whats that? Youve already given up your job with King.
But I havent stopped being who I am.
It isnt who you are, Nora. Its just what you do.
Even if Im not doing it for money, its still who I am. And I cant sell it, not even to buy you a watch chain. Its what writes my books and makes me me. Its the only thing I have of value. And even if you wanted to give me your innocence, wanted to come into my world with combs for my hair, I cant let you do that. So where does that leave us? You tell me.
With no Christmas presents, I guess.
I guess not, Nora said, suddenly exhausted.
Wesley weighed the pages in his hands, flipped through them and pressed them to his chest.
Why did you write this? Write a book about us?
Because I guess Ive always known you and I cant be together. God, I thought I was going to faint a few minutes ago trying to have vanilla sex with you. I hate that we have this thing between us. It kills me a little bit every day. The book I dont know. I guess I thought at least we could be together on paper for a little while. Its not much, but its something, she said, trying and failing to smile.
Let me read it. All of it.
You dont want to read it, sweetheart.
You said it was us.
Nora remained unmoved.
Please, Wesley said, and Nora heard the slight but desperate catch in his voice. Nodding, she slid off the bed and retreated to her office. She grabbed the binder that held her most recent copy of her novel and returned to her bedroom.
Its not done yet. I still have about eight or so chapters to write.
How does it end?
I dont know, she lied.
The Consolation Prize. He opened the binder and read the title out loud.
Yeah, the consolation prize. You know, its what you get when you dont win.
What do you want to win? In his voice was a quiet promise that if he could give it to her he would.
You, Wes. But I cant win you without selling who I am to afford you.
And I cant win you without selling my soul, right? Wesley asked.
Now you see why I said The Gift of the Magi was a horror story.
Wesley only looked at her before turning his eyes to her novel.
She spun on her heel and left Wesley alone in her room with the bookthe book she had written in a reckless attempt to exorcise the demon of love from her heart. Once Wesley finished the book he would know everythingknow the good of her love and the evil, know she wanted him and why. Theyd been so happy together in the strange little paradise theyd made together, but now she felt expulsion was imminent. And she had no one but herself to blame for her fall.
Nora returned to her office and sat at her desk. Outside, the last gasp of the retreating winter winds paced back and forth across her windows. Wesley was going to read her book. She opened her saved draft and put her hands on the keyboard. What could she do but write? At least now she knew how to end the big scene. William would try to make love to Caroline like she wanted. He would try, but he would fail. And between the two of them a chasm would open up so wide they could not even see to the other side. The moment they tried the hardest to be together is the moment they are forever torn apart.
Poor Caroline, Nora thought and swiped at a rogue tear hiding at the corner of her eye.
Poor William.
30
Thursday night at 11:48 p.m. Nora placed the last period in her book. She saved her document and shut down her computer. She could barely suppress her smile as she floated from the office and looked in on Wesley on her way to her bedroom.
All week after reading her book hed been quiet, but not angry. Desperately she wanted to talk about what had happened between them on Easter, but she knew she needed to leave Wesley alone to think about it on his own. She could barely sleep at night for the flood of memories of Wesleys hands and mouth on her, how close theyd come to making love. All this time hed wanted her even more than shed ever guessed. Hed been ready to give her his virginity, to give her his body. Her Wesleyhed never have sex with someone he wasnt in love with. Wesley in love with herwhat was she going to do with that kid?
The kid in question was supposed to be sound asleep. But he turned over in his bed and smiled at her through the dark.
You have an eight-thirty class tomorrow, she reminded him. She came in and sat on the edge of his bed.
Its canceled. Professor Mathenys sick. Or he just wants to start the weekend early. Either way I get to sleep in.
Congratulations. She ran a hand through his mussed hair. Can I tell you a secret?
Wesley propped himself up on his elbows.
Definitely.
She leaned forward and whispered in his ear.
I finished the book.
Are you serious? Wesley pulled back to look at her.
Yeah. Just now. Its full of typos but the book itself, its done. And its good.
Wesley threw his arms around her. Thats awesome, Nora. Im so proud of you.
She returned the hug and released him. Well celebrate tomorrow night. Well celebrate the best book Ive ever written that no one will ever read.
Absolutely. But I think someone will read it someday. Its too good to just sit in a drawer.
Maybe. But Im not going to worry about it. And neither are you. Bedtime.
Nora started to leave, but Wesley called her name.
Whats up, kid?
Tomorrow night when we celebrate, I want to talk to you about something.
About us?
About me. Its not bad, I promise. Theres some stuff I want to tell you. A lot of stuff.
Tomorrow. Its a date. Night, sweetheart.
Nora leaned over to kiss his forehead. But at the last second Wesley turned his face up and brought his lips to hers. Too shocked to move, Nora only shivered in that eternal moment as a light, white and winged, brushed over her shoulder and settled somewhere she could not see.
She was still smiling when she fell asleep that night.
Friday morning, Nora awoke and dressed and gathered the handful of things she would need for the day. Last nights smile still remained. Without Zach, without anyone, shed managed to finish her book. It was done. It was good. And she couldnt wait to start the next one.
And tonight she and Wesley would celebrate her book and maybe finally figure out what they were going to do about each other. But first she had an errand to run. And then she had a book to throw in someones face.
* * *
Zach sipped his tea and strolled around the conference room making pleasant small talk with his coworkers at his going-away party. J.P. had hired a very good caterer, but still Zach was taking a lot of ribbing for his refusal to allow J.P. to spring for lunch at The Four Seasons, especially from Mary.
Recession, Zach reminded her.
Tangerine cheesecake, she countered.
The lady has a point, J.P. said. Its quite good cheesecake.
Zach set his tea down. He leaned over the buffet spread, took a plate and filled it with some gourmet cheese and a piece of the cake.
Here, he said, handing the plate to J.P. You two make your own damn cheesecake.
Zach was secretly touched by how many of his colleagues had bothered to come to the luncheon. He knew free food and a break from the desk and the phone would get almost anyone to an office party, but everyone was talking to him and wishing him well in L.A. He almost regretted how his own grief over Grace had kept him from getting to know some of the other editors better. Americans were a fairly charming group of people. Even New Yorkers, not known for their friendliness, were more immediately affable than most Europeans. Hed decided Americans were quick to like people because they couldnt conceive of anyone not liking them. Even Nora, who made her money being vicious to people, was without a doubt the most engaging person hed ever met. He recalled how priggish, at moments outright churlish, hed been to her at their first meeting, and how shed responded only with humor and a promise to try harder for him. Looking around the party he felt her absence keenly. Had they not fought, she would be here with him right now, toasting her books completion in public, toasting their attraction to each other in private. Last week in anticipation of their first night together, hed already bought the wine. Hed even bought a candle. He felt a fool for what had happened between themeven worse than losing her book, hed lost her friendship.
The congenial atmosphere of the little party dampened considerably as Thomas Finley entered and started talking over his coworkers. Zach ignored him, huddling in the corner and chatting with J.P. and Mary about upcoming projects in L.A.
Ive only handled a few screenplays, Zach said. And the U.K. film scene is quite small. Hollywood might prove to be rather daunting.
Faulkner thought so, as well, J.P. said. He was working with a director, Howard Hawks, out in California. He told Hawks he thought hed work better from home. Hawks told him that was fine not realizing Faulkner meant his real home, Mississippi. The man just packed up and went back to Mississippi to work from home.
Zach and Mary laughed. J.P. patted Zach on his shoulder and excused himself to the restroom.
Youd like to go home, wouldnt you, Zach? Finley said, slapping his hand on Zachs back. Zach repressed a shudder and turned to face him. Of course, Thomas would wait until the second J.P. was gone to start in on him. England, I mean. I dont know if L.A. is safe for you. Have you ever had a tan in your life? Probably not. No tanning in a fog.
I plan on working in L.A., Thomas. Not playing.
Working like Faulkner? he asked with a smarmy grin. How many affairs did Faulkner have while out in L.A.? Three? Four? Of course, youre not married anymore, Zach, so I guess they wont count as affairs. Oh, waityoure still married, arent you? Id forgotten. Hard to tell sometimes. So I guess Nora Sutherlin was number one.
Zach locked eyes with Finley. I am not, was not and have not slept with Nora Sutherlin. She is, was, one of my writers. I try to respect that line.
Writer? Shes a whore, Zach, and we both know it.
You dont know anything, Thomas, Zach countered. Call her whatever you wantshes still one of the most promising writers Ive ever worked with. Id far rather work with whores than hacks any day.
Hacks? Thomas took an angry step closer. None of my writers are whores. And theyre definitely not hacks.
I wasnt talking about your writers. Zach heard a collective gasp from around the room as the implication of his words sunk in.
You son of a bitch. Before anyone but Zach could react, Thomas raised his arm to take a swing at him.
But Zach had more fights with drunken football hooligans under his belt than he cared to admit, thanks to his days as a bartender in university. He ducked and swung back, making fierce, hard contact with Thomass chin. His head snapped to the side and Thomas went down in an instant.
There was a long silence as the room seemed to take in the scene that had just played out before them. And then it was filled with applause and laughter.
Mary, Zach said. Did you know that the first rule of S&M is to hurt, but not harm?
Thomas wiped blood from his mouth.
Looks unharmed to me, boss.
Without waiting another second, Zach ran from the room and headed for the elevators.
Where are you going? Mary called out as she raced down the hall behind him.
Im getting my writer back. Or at least her book.
Mary grinned at him.
Good luck, Zach. Just so you know this is why youre my favorite boss of all time.
Zach fled the building, his right hand throbbing, and hailed a taxi. Suddenly he realized he wasnt sure what he was doing.
He gave the driver his address to his own flat. Hed try calling Nora again from there. If she didnt answer hed go to her house. And if she wasnt at her house, well, hed hunt her down any way he could.
Zach stopped in the lobby of his building and dialed Noras number from the phone at the front desk. If she answered he wouldnt even bother going upstairs.
Wesley, Zach said, relieved to hear the boys voice. Its Zach. I need Nora. Please, is she there?
Shes gone, Zach. She was gone by the time I got up this morning. What do you want? You dumped Nora, remember? Want to dump her again?
Zach sighed, guilt stabbing into his stomach.
I was wrong about her, Wesley. Im apologizing to heragain.
This time she really shouldnt let you.
Believe me, I know. But please, can you give me any idea where she could be?
Its Nora. Shes probably where youd least expect.
Zach hung up and tried to think. He decided to go up to his flat to dig out his copy of her book from under his bed and think it out. If she wasnt at home she could be anywhere. With a client, at the 8th Circle, on the moon for all he knew.
Where youd least expect Zach thought to himself as the lift climbed the twenty-three stories. Those words reminded him of something hed heard before.
You merely think you know her. Its one of her best tricks. She flirts, she teases, she confesses everything but reveals nothing. Its the oldest magicians tricksmoke and mirrors, misdirection You are absolutely certain shes here, S?ren had said. Zach slipped his key in the lock of his door and turned the knob. When all the while shes right over here
Hello, Zach.
It took almost a full ten seconds for Zach to register that Nora stood in his living room. She was wearing a suit and a tie and a smile so defiant he was as nervous as he was relieved.
Youre home from work early, she said. I was ready to wait it out all day.
My God, youre here. I just called Wesley looking for you.
You found me. And I wont darken your doorstep for long. Just wanted to bring you a present.
A sheaf of paper landed with a thud at his feet. Zach bent and picked it up. It was a bookher bookprinted out and spiral bound. He flipped through the almost five hundred pages.
Nora
I finished it, Zach. Without you. Read the dedication.
With trembling hands, Zach opened the front cover and flipped to the dedication page.
To Zachary Easton, my editor. Fuck you.
Very nice. I deserved that.
You deserve this, as well, Nora said and came over to him. She met his eyes and took a deep breath.
Zach, Im sorry I didnt tell you about me. Ive never had anyone take my writing seriously before. Your good opinion meant so much that the thought of losing it terrified me. Im done with that part of my life now. I quit the other job and started writing again. Just writing. I know you tore up the contract. I know youre done with me. I know its too late for me and Royal. But I wanted you to see the book and know I finished it. You can keep that copy. Its the only hard copy that might ever exist.
Zach gripped the book in his hand. He couldnt believe his good fortune. He couldnt believe he had both the book and his writer again.
Nora seemed to be waiting for him to say or do something. When he couldnt find the words, she stepped away, picked up her coat and headed for the door.
I didnt
Didnt what? she asked, turning around.
I didnt tear up your contract. I still have it.
Thats very sweet, but an unsigned contract is worth as much as one in the shredder.
Zach faced her.
Is it just the hard copy you have? Or do you have an electronic version with you?
Nora cocked her head at him. She reached inside her shirt and pulled out a thin lanyard from around her neck.
Flash drive.
Zach held out his hand and she put the flash drive in his palm.
What are you doing? she asked as he threw the paper copy on his sofa and plugged the drive into his laptop.
Todays Friday. My flight leaves Sunday. Ive got a book to edit between now and then.
Nora searched his face.
Are you serious?
Completely. I told you I wouldnt sign the contract until Id read the last page. Good thing Im a fast reader.
Then Ill let you get to it.
Stay. Zach set his laptop aside and stood up. Ill need your help. If something needs to be rewritten then Ill need you here to do it.
Nora took her cell phone out of her pocket and turned it off. She reached out and locked Zachs door. She walked over to the wall and unplugged his landline phone. She stood in front of the sofa and grinned dangerously at him.
Okay, Zach. Lets do it.
31
Okay, here Zach shifted his laptop so Nora could look at the screen. Im shifting the order of the paragraphs. Caroline would think about his feelings first before shed allow herself to think about hers. But I need some sort of transition.
Nora reread the page.
She could look down and notice the bruises on her arms. He gave the bruises to her. It would help her shift perspective.
Good. Write. Zach passed her the laptop. He went to his kitchen and dug through a box until he found his wineglasses. He opened his almost empty refrigerator, pulled out a bottle of chardonnay and poured two glasses.
Thank you. She took the wineglass from him with one hand while she kept typing with the other. Very good, she said after the first sip. This is fantastic. Whats the occasion?
Zach reddened a little.
I bought it over a week ago. I thought we should have some wine to celebrate when we finished your book
And when we started sleeping together? She finished the sentence for him. Zach looked at her and sighed. Shed taken off the suit jacket and loosened her tie. How could a woman look so feminine, so tempting in such masculine attire?
Something like that.
Nora shook her head, took another sip of wine and finished the paragraph. She started to pass his laptop back to him but she paused and grabbed his wrist instead.
Your knuckles are scraped. Nora looked up at him.
Zach gave a rueful laugh.
I clocked my office prankster at my going away party today.
Noras eyes widened and she burst out laughing.
Thats fabulous. Im sure he deserved it.
He called you a whore and I called him a hack. In my defense, he threw the first punch.
Nora nodded her approval. You punched out a guy defending a womans honor. Youre a real man now, Zach. Lchaim, she said and raised her wine.
Lchaim. They clinked wineglasses.
Zach took his laptop back and sat next to Nora on the sofa again.
Im proud of you, Nora. You finished the book without me, despite me.
To spite you, she said. What can I say? A writer writes.
And you are a writer now. My writer. You can still be my writer even in L.A. We can still work together. Zach smiled at Nora and she smiled back.
Work together or sleep together?
Is both the wrong answer?
Both is negotiable.
He tried to resume his reading but he knew there was more he had to say to her.
I tried to call you. Zach tore his eyes away from the screen. Last Sunday. I called every number, emailed you.
I was working and didnt want to be interrupted. Why did you call me?
To try to talk things out with you. Mary gave me what for about you.
I like that girl. Shes one of us. She got me to sign her copies of my books the first day I went to see J.P. She told me my books were her favorite one-handed reads.
Zach laughed and rubbed his face.
I dont want that image of my assistant in my head, Nora.
What do you want, Zach?
Zach studied her face, wanting to memorize every line of it. Who knew how long it would be before he saw her again, if he saw her again? Her green-gold eyes glimmered strangely in the lamplight. What did he want? He knew but wouldnt say it aloud.
Nora tilted her head and gave him a slight smile. She brought the glass to her lips and drank slowly.
She lowered the glass and her lips shimmered wet with the white wine.
Zach reached out, laid a hand on the side of her neck and kissed her. She didnt seem the slightest bit shocked by the kiss. She opened her mouth to him and he tasted the wine on her tongue. The Chardonnay-sweetened kiss was more intoxicating than the alcohol. She kissed backslowly, deeply and with breathtaking expertise. She bit his bottom lip, teased his tongue, drew him in farther and faster. And then she abruptly stopped and pulled away. She crossed her legs and picked up the hard copy of her novel.
Breathless and aroused, Zach sat next to her and panted a little.
She glanced at him and opened her book to the same page he was on.
Whats next? she asked.
Zach swallowed and glanced down at his screen.
Page three hundred and eight, he said still a little breathless. We need to cut this scene down.
Swollen, is it? Nora asked without the slightest hint of irony although he knew now nothing had a single meaning with Nora.
Quite. We should take care of that.
Yes, sir, she said and flipped to that page. Ill chop that scene right off.
* * *
Zach yawned and checked his computer clock
3:37 a.m. He blinked and stretched out his neck. Next to him on the sofa, Nora lay curled up and sleeping. Zach closed his laptop and reached for Noras hard copy of her book and flipped to the last pageWilliams goodbye to Carolineand read it for the first time.
My Caroline,
If youre reading this endnote then I can assume youve suffered your way through the story, our story once again. I suppose having you relive our time together is the ultimate proof of my sadism, as if you of all people needed further proof.
At the end I find myself surprised by how easy it was to write this book about us. I found I missed you so much that a terrible vacuum had formed; all the words came and filled it and for a little while you were home with me again. I didnt want it to end but a story must have an end, I suppose.
I have no secrets to reveal on this final page. I loved you. At least I tried to. And I failed you. I failed you with great success. Forgive me if you can. I will not apologize anymore.
Im done writing now. I may go into the garden and read until evening. It isnt quite the same without your head on my knee and your ill-informed criticisms of my reading material, but I shall carry on alone, page by page, until the end. And when evening comes and the sun is sitting on the edge of the earth, I will look out, searching for a break in the horizon as that father did once so many thousands of years agothe father waiting for his prodigal child to return.
I hope you are happy. As for me, Icontinue. If you ever miss me, miss But some things are best left unwritten. Just know I have kept your room for you. Ill say no more. I know I sent you away. I know it was the right thing to do. But I also know that perhaps not every story has to end.
Love,
Your William
Zach turned to look at Noras sleeping form. She looked so young right now, so defenseless. She looked like a child sleeping on her stomach, her arms tucked under her. What a fool hed been. First hed pushed her away out of grief for Grace. Then hed pushed her away out of anger at himself. Adrift and unmoored, she had tried again and again to throw him a rope to save him from the raging waters. And now he no longer felt like a drowning man at sea. Norathe siren and the goddess, the ship and the wine-dark sea. She would either save him or end him. Right now, with her words singing in his ears, he didnt really care which.
Standing slowly so as not to wake her, Zach found his messenger bag and dug through it. He pulled out her contract and returned to the sofa. He knelt beside her sleeping form and flipped to the last page. Taking up his pen, he laid the contract on her back and with a sure hand and absolute certainty that the book would outsell anything Royal had ever published, he signed his name, Zechariah Easton.
Nora stirred and opened her eyes.
Zach?
Here. He handed her the pen. Your turn.
Nora took the pen and only stared at him for a moment. Then she rolled up, took the contract, laid it on his back and signed Eleanor Schreiber on the line.
Its done, she said.
Its good. Nora Zach placed a hand on the side of her face its spectacular.
Nora smiled. And then the smile was gone. They only looked at each other. Nora leaned forward and kissed him.
He didnt think it was possible but their second kiss was even more intoxicating than their first. He was still on his knees, and she sat in front of him on the edge of the couch. He started to stand, started to push her onto her back.
No. She stood up abruptly. I wrote the book your way. If were going to do this, we do it mine.
Zach didnt have to ask what she meant.
Safe out and send me home, Zach. Or come with me. Those are your only two choices.
Zach rose off the floor and made the most terrifying decision of his life.
Im with you.
Nora headed to the bedroom.
He stood alone in his living room and breathed for a minute. Grace Her name echoed hollowly in his heart like an unanswered prayer.
But there was no going back. The wind took hold of the sails. Zach followed Nora into his bedroom. She struck a match and lit the single candle hed left next to the bed.
A bottle of wine and a candle Nora said. You were looking forward to this night, werent you, Zach?
Yes, he confessed.
She came over to him, unknotted her tie and took it off. She brought it over his eyes and tied it around his head, blindfolding him. He tensed at his loss of his sight.
Relax. Noras voice was calm and soothing as if she were talking to a child. Trust me, please.
I do, he said and knew he meant it.
He stood still as Nora unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it down his arms. But she didnt take it off completely. She used the shirt to tie his hands behind his back.
Zach sensed her step away. He heard her soft laugh.
Ecce homo. Zach remembered the painting in the church. Behold the man.
Nora Zach said, worried he was about to get crucified.
How do you feel?
Disoriented.
The blindfold will do that. Dont breathe too deeply and dont lock your knees.
He nodded and tried to relax his legs.
Do you know why Ive done this, Zach?
No.
I could say its because I want you. I do want you. I have rarely been so attracted to someone in my life. But if I just wanted you I could have had you the day we met. Yes?
Zach knew she expected an answer. He decided to save them both time and simply go with the truth.
Yes.
Do you know why I didnt let that happen? Why I stopped you before you could ask me up that night in the cab?
Zach experienced a mild wave of vertigo. Nora moved as she spoke and the words seemed to come from everywhere at once.
Why? Nora had never made her attraction to him a secret. Why shed turned him down the one time hed come on to her was something hed wondered about since that night.
Because when you said Graces name you had so much pain in your eyes. I knew you didnt really want me. You just wanted to not think and not feel for a few hours. Yes?
Yes, Zach admitted.
I do want you, Zach, but I also want to know you.
You do know me.
Youve kept half your life from me, she said. I dont want half. I want all. You know my secrets now. Time to tell me yours. Its all or nothing tonight. Say all and we go on. Say nothing and this ends now and forever. You decide.
He felt the floor rock underneath him. On the wood floor and in his bare feet, he imagined for a moment he was on a ship in a storm.
All.
Good, Nora said, sounding relieved and yet determined. Nowtell me about Grace.
I dont want to talk about this.
Then say your safe word and end it. But that will end it. It and us. But if you dont want to end it, answer the question.
For a terrible moment Zach considered his options. There were some things he simply did not talk about. But theyd come so far nowit would be a more difficult journey back than forward. Zach took a few short, shallow breaths and used the street sounds below to orient himself.
Grace was eighteen when we met. He gave up the words like precious possessions to a thief. I wasolder.
You were teaching at Cambridge then, yes?
Yes.
Grace was your student?
Zach swallowed hard. Yes.
That explains why my relationship with Wes made you so uncomfortable at first. Dj? vu, right? It seems so unlike you, getting involved with a student.
All teachers nurse attractions to the occasional student. I never intended to act upon it. Grace was lovely beyond words, twice as bright and talented as any student Id ever taught. She wrote poetry, good poetry. No eighteen-year-old in history has ever written good poetry. But she did.
What else did she do?
She brought me her poetry sometimes and asked for my opinion, my help.
You were her editor.
Zach laughed bitterly.
I suppose I was.
She loved you.
As much as a girl of eighteen can love her thirty-one-year-old teacher. At the time, I simply assumed she cared only for her writing.
Eighteen means she couldnt buy booze in the States. It doesnt mean she couldnt love you.
It does mean I shouldnt have loved her back.
But you did.
Foolishly, yes. His stomach churned as he relived that year, that nightmare of a year. Or what passed for love at the time. But I never acted on it. I loved my work, loved teaching, loved my life.
What happened? Noras questions were as relentless as any assault.
Zach took another breath. He never even allowed himself to think about that time, much less tell another soul about it. It was his burden alone.
I was in my office late on a Friday night. I had a hundred exams to grade that weekend. I suppose Id complained about this in class. Somehow she knew Id be there.
She came to your office?
Yes. I was exhausted. Suddenly Zach was back in that cramped third-floor office again. His sleeves were rolled up; his fingers were tinged with red ink. His head ached from the hours of reading, the endless concentration. He yawned, stretched, heard a noise in the hallway. I heard footsteps in the hall and looked up. She was standing in my doorway.
She came to your office late at night. Shall I assume the inevitable happened?
It felt inevitable. She came inside without waiting for me to ask her. And then she closed the door behind her.
What did she say?
She said, I dont have any poems tonight.
And what did you say?
Zach exhaled. I didnt say anything at all.
This shouldnt be a bad memory for you. Tell me why it is.
She was Zach stopped and let the silence speak for itself. Behind the blindfold he closed his eyes. He remembered how easily Grace came to him, how her body relaxed against his, how his hands fit her thighs as if theyd been made to press them open again and again. And then he recalled her gasp of pain, that brief intake of breath that told him all.
She was a virgin, Nora said, filling in the blanks.
Yes.
Its not your fault that you didnt know.
It was my fault Zach began and felt the guilt on him again like a knife pressed to his throat. It was my fault I didnt stop. I couldnt stop.
Did she tell you to?
No. But I should have anyway. I had dozens of lovers before thenbut never Zach said and though the memory was an agony, his body remembered that moment. He could still feel himself inside her tight passage. Id never taken such pleasure inside the body of a woman before that night.
Tell me what happened, Zach, Nora demanded. She wouldnt stop until he told her.
No, it wasnt my fault I didnt know she was a virgin. But it was my fault she got pregnant.
Jesus Christ, Nora said, sounding both shocked and sympathetic for the first time. Zach was almost afraid of the next question.
You dont have any children so Ill assume it was one of three possibilitiesadoption, abortion or miscarriage.
It was ectopic. Worse than a miscarriage.
He heard Noras slight intake of breath, the wince of pain.
How bad was it?
It almost killed her. She was so young she didnt know what was normal and what wasnt. She ignored the pain for a month. Wed only been married two weeks when she woke up in a pool of blood. One in a million chance, the doctor said, that a girl so young and healthy would suffer that. So young, he said, and he looked at me like a criminal. I felt like one. Eighteen years old and shes hemorrhaging in the emergency ward. Eighteen years old and she has to marry a man over a decade her senior, a man hardly more than a stranger to her.
What happened after?
Zach shook his head. She survived. But I wasnt sure we would or even if we should. I waited every day for her to tell me she was leaving me. We married because she was pregnant. Then she wasnt. But she never left me. Still, that year was hell for us. I had a nineteen-year-old wife I barely knew who had to transfer to Kings College in London after I left Cambridge, left before they could fire me.
But you stayed married.
We did. How or why, I dont know.
Because she loved you, Zach. And because you loved her.
I did. Not that it matters.
Why doesnt it?
Because were over. Shes made that perfectly clear.
How do you know its over?
Because she left me, Nora, Zach said, letting irritation seep into his voice.
She left you? Nora seemed unfazed by his anger. Arent you the one who packed up, boarded a plane and moved across an ocean?
She left me long before that.
Tell me. Noras voice was insistent, hypnotic and musical. Unable to see, Zach felt uncoupled from the ground, unmoored. Nothing seemed real. It was easier to make his confession in this kind of darkness.
Two years ago Grace told me she wanted us to try again. Try againas if we were trying the first time.
What did you say?
I said she nearly died because of my mistake, and I would never let that happen again. After that, she started to fade out on me. First she stopped making our coffee in the morning. Another month passed and she stopped reading with me in the evenings. She didnt leave all at once. Just room by room. She left the bedroom last. I told her about the job here. She told me to go if thats what I wanted. But she was already gone. I did leave, but she left me first.
Can I tell you a secret, Zach? Noras voice came from over his shoulder. I would have left you, too.
Nora, I
Shut up and listen, she said with such cold, quiet authority that Zach fell silent at once. You called the first night you spent with her a mistake. It was that night, that mistake that brought you two together. What should have been a one-night stand created a marriage. Can you imagine the guilt shes been carrying for the past eleven years? Thinking that because of her you had to leave a job you loved, that you had to marry someone you didnt, that she ruined your career, your life, your world. And you call the night that started it all a mistake? She didnt leave you, Zach. You threw her out.
She nearly died because of me, Nora, he said, nearly spitting the words. You cant even imagine what that was like.
She was eighteen, an adult. It was her decision as much as yours. She came to your office. You think she came for a cup of tea and a chat? She wanted you. She got you. And I can promise you even waking up in a puddle of her own blood it never once occurred to her that it was all a mistake. Making love to her a mistake? Thats a worse slap in the face than S?ren ever laid on me.
Whywhy are you saying all this, Nora?
Because you need to hear the truth. The truth that your guilt didnt punish you. It punished her. You were so afraid to hurt Grace that everything you did ended up harming her. No more, Zach. No more fear. You will not be afraid anymore, afraid to hurt a woman with your own passion and desire. Remember that night at the 8th Circle? Nora asked. Do you remember what I told you I was?
A Switch. As long as he lived hed never forget that night.
Yes. And that means I can give pain but I can also take it. Arent you tired of the pain?
Yes, Zach breathed.
Good, Nora said and tore off the blindfold. She yanked his shirt down and freed his arms. Give it to me then.
Zach grabbed Nora, nearly tearing her clothes in his frenzy to get them off. He pushed her back against the wall and unzipped his jeans. She wrapped her legs around him, her arms wound around his shoulders. With a fierce, unforgiving thrust, he pushed inside her. He had never let himself be so brutal with a woman in his life.
Hurt me, Zach. Better me than you. He did as she instructed; he couldnt do otherwise. He drove into her again and again, thrusting harder each time. He bit her neck and breasts, dug his fingers into the soft flesh of her hips and thighs. She submitted to his every merciless thrust without complaint. The more vicious he was with her, the more she responded with gasps and moans of her own. Noras body clenched around him and he came inside her with the ruthless force that only thirteen months of miserable celibacy could deliver.
Zach wasnt finished with her, though. There seemed to be no end to his need. He pulled out of her and forced her to the floor. He pushed his hand into her body, needing to feel her wetness on his fingers. He knew that she was wet not only from her desire but from his own passion that hed poured into her. She writhed underneath him. He pulled his hand out and moved to take her again. But Nora lifted her arms to shove him off. He grabbed her by the wrists and pinned her down, her arms by her head. She held her legs together tight and Zach pried them apart with his knees. Shocked by his violence he could only stare down at her.
Good boy, she said.
Zach let her hands go. He pushed her over onto her stomach and penetrated her from behind. She arched beneath him, taking him in deeper, goading him on with her hips, her cries. She came so hard that he felt the spasms in her stomach rip through him. He seized her by the wrists again and held her down. Over her, inside her, he pushed in so hard and so far she cried out. Still, he did not relent, could not relent. He was all force and no restraint. Nora had tied him up and set something else free.
With brutal, bruising strength, he impaled himself completely within her and came so hard even Nora flinched from the ferocity of it. He collapsed onto her prone body, resting inside her, not ready to leave her wet warmth. They lay coupled together, swallowing air and saying nothing. Zach brushed her hair over her shoulder and kissed the back of her neck. He closed his eyes and rested his head on her back. Her skin smelled so warm. He could stay here forever if he kept his eyes closed.
Zach pulled out of her slowly and rolled onto his back. He lay on the floor next to her and studied the play of candlelight on the ceiling and willed his thumping heart to settle. Nora moved to his side, leaned up on her elbow and looked at him.
Did I hurt you? he asked after a long but strangely comfortable pause. He could see the faint red welts on her arm.
Yes. A lot. Im very impressed.
Zach laughed but the laugh rang hollow even to his own ears.
She left me, Nora, he said, his throat tight as a fist. God, she left me and its all my fault.
He rubbed his forehead but Nora took his hand and pulled it away.
I know she left you. But Im here.
Zach inhaled slowly, exhaled even slower. He turned and cupped Noras face in his palm.
I dont deserve either of you.
Nora gave him a wicked smile.
Dont be so hard on yourself, Zach. Thats my job. She came up on her hands and knees. Youre still in charge. Tell me what to do.
Tell you what to do? Where to even begin?
Nora grinned at him still on her hands and knees over him.
Use your imagination.
His imagination gave him a very good idea.
Stay, he ordered.
Yes, sir.
Zach reached for the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out the lubricant that Nora had given him.
Why, Zachary, you surprise me.
Zach nearly groaned aloud as he pressed into her. She was so tight around him he could barely breathe.
He pushed hard and Nora flinched.
Sorry, he said, smiling at his own eagerness.
No, you arent. He heard the laughter in Noras voice.
No, he admitted. Not this time.
32
Shortly before dawn, Nora dragged herself out of Zachs bed and dressed quietly in the dark. She found her tie that shed used as a blindfold and hid it away where Zach would find it later. Last night certainly deserved a memento.
Nora gazed down at Zachs still sleeping form. She could scarcely believe what had passed between them just two hours earlier. Someone, something, the real Zach who had been hiding for the past ten years and six weeks came out the moment shed ripped off the blindfold. Last night she didnt spend with Zach, her prim and proper editor. Last night she spent with the Zach whod been a lady-killer as young as thirteen, had drunken threesomes during his university days and had taken the virginity of his eighteen-year-old student on his Cambridge office desk. Noras whole body ached from last nights brutal sex. Without her toy bag theyd had to make do with just his hands to pin her down, his knees to hold her legs open, his hand over her mouth to gag her cries. It was some of the roughest, dirtiest sex shed ever had in her life. She couldnt stop smiling.
On her way out of his apartment she stopped and picked up her contract still lying on the sofa. She glanced through it, making sure all the is were dotted, all the ts were crossed. The advance wasnt going to make her rich, but it would keep her very comfortable for the next few years while she focused solely on her writing.
Nora drove home and dragged her exhausted body into the house. Although she longed for sleep, something nagged at her, something that told her that in her excitement over finishing her book with Zach, shed forgotten something very important.
Nora entered the hallway that led to her room but stopped in midstep. Wesley stood outside her bedroom leaning back against the door. In his hands was a small box of Tiffany blue. From his stance it appeared hed been waiting for hours, maybe all night. At first his eyes shone with relief; but then as he took in her tousled hair, her disheveled clothes, a terrible realization dawned on his face. His arm fell to his side, the box dangling by its ribbon from his slack fingers.
Zach? Wesley asked.
Yes, Nora said, cold with fear and shame.
Wesley only nodded. The box tumbled from his fingers and fell to the floor. He didnt seem to notice.
Wes Nora began, desperate to explain. Their date, their celebration, was supposed to have been last night. But shed stayed with Zach instead, stayed and finished her book. She wanted to explain all this to him, but Wesley only brushed past her and disappeared into his bedroom. Nora tried to follow but found his door locked. She stared unbelieving at the knob for a tortured eternity. In all their time together Wesley had never once locked his door.
In quiet shock, she walked to her room but stopped to pick up the box from the floor. With trembling fingers she opened it. Inside the box she found two silver hair combs, delicate and ornate. Noras heart cracked like glass in her chest. Wesleys innocence, his fathers watch, the only thing he had of valuethis was his way of telling her he would sell it all to be with her. Hed been waiting all night to give himself to her, and shed crawled home bruised and stained from a night with Zach.
Nora entered her bedroom and collapsed on her bed without undressing. She was too tired to sleep, too broken to cry. She curled up into a ball, clutching the combs in her hands so hard the metal prongs bit into her skin. She held them tighter, let them hurt her more. Finally it hurt enough she could sleep.
* * *
Mornings relentless assault finally defeated Zachs resolve to sleep Saturday away. He opened his eyes reluctantly, knowing from the silence that Nora had already gone. Everything hurt, but he couldnt care less. Had there ever been such a woman in all the world like her?
Zach got into the shower with as much reluctance as hed left his bed. The hot water burned his skin. He couldnt remember when his body had been this raw from so much sex. He lingered in the shower, needing the heat on his sore and aching muscles. After getting out he toweled off and dressed carefully, cursing himself for behaving like an eighteen-year-old lad in his forty-two-year-old body.
By midmorning he remembered Nora had unplugged his phone last night. He plugged it in and checked his voice mail. One messagemost likely from work, he guessed.
Zachary, its me. At the sound of Graces voice Zachs hands went numb and his legs turned to stone. Im in New York. Not sure why. Pause. Thats a lie. I do know why. You dont seem to be home. I stopped by and knocked but no one answered. I called Mr. Bonner. I may try what he suggested. Anyway, Im only in town until tomorrow morning. I wish youd get a bloody mobile. Never mind. Im staying
Zach grabbed a pen and scrawled the name of Graces hotel on his palm. He considered calling to see if she was there but didnt want to waste a second. He threw on his coat and raced from his apartment. If the lift had broken the sound barrier on its way down, it still wouldnt have been fast enough for Zach. Shed come by his flat? When? Probably when he was in the shower. Of all mornings to take an hour-long shower, he cursed himself again. Traffic was blessedly light, but it still felt like a lifetime passed before the taxi pulled in front of her hotel.
Zach shoved money in the drivers hand and raced into the hotel lobby.
Could you ring Grace Rowans room please? Zach asked the hotel desk clerk.
Im sorry, sir, but we have no one registered under that name.
Zach swore under his breath. Had he heard Grace wrong? Unless
Try Grace Easton.
Ah, yes. Ill call her room for you.
Zach sagged with relief. The clerk dialed her room number. After what seemed an interminable amount of time passed, he hung up the phone. Im sorry, sir. She doesnt seem to be in. Would you care to leave a message?
Zach decided his course of action that instant. Ill wait for her.
He found a seat in the lobby that afforded him a clear view of the entrance. He stared at the elegant revolving doors, trying not to let their endless spinning hypnotize him.
Now that he was finally at her hotel his heart was still racing as if hed run the whole way there. Why was Grace here? What on earth had she come for? He knew her. Shed always been brave enough to deliver bad news face-to-face. But hed already heard the bad news. So why?
It didnt matter, he told himself. Whatever the reason he would get to see her. That was reason enough to wait in the lobby. Forever, if necessary.
* * *
Two hours after falling asleep with the combs in her hand, Nora crawled from her bed and showered and dressed in a daze. Numb from exhaustion, exhausted from shock, she entered the kitchen on feet made of lead. Wesley was there loudly opening and closing cabinet doors.
What are you looking for? she asked between slams.
My coffee thermos. The blue one with the lid. His voice sounded tight and strained.
Did you check the dishwasher?
Wesley stopped, wrenched opened the door of the dishwasher and yanked out the top rack.
Dishwasher, he said, as much to himself as her. Right. Of course. How could I have been so completely stupid?
Nora winced and sat down gingerly at the table. It hurt to be in the same room with him. Wesley leaned against the counter for a moment and just breathed.
Are you mad at me? she asked in a small voice.
I want to be. I oughta be. He shook his head. No, Im not mad at you. Just myself.
She nodded and met his eyes.
Are you sad at me?
He released a cold, empty laugh.
Yeah, Im sad at you. She could tell he was trying not to cry. She tried, too.
Im sorry, Wes. I am. God, you said you wanted your first time to be with someone who knew what she was doing. Obviously when it comes to you I have no idea what Im doing.
I dont care. Theres no one else I want to be with. But if you want to be with ZachI just want you to be happy. Thats all that matters.
Listen, last night with Zachit was about the book. I went over to his apartment yesterday to throw the book in his face, to show him it was done. I was going to leave. He asked me to stay, to help him finish editing it. We got it all done in one night.
I saw you when you came in. You didnt just work on the book. Im not completely stupid about everything.
You arent stupid about anything. I am. Im the one who forgot to call, who forgot we had plans. I was just so shocked that Zach had changed his mindthat he wanted to read the book. Wes, she said and Wesley met her eyes. He signed the contract. We celebrated.
I thought we were going to celebrate.
We still can. We
I wasnt talking about dinner and a fucking movie, Nora. Nora flinched at the sheer agony in his voice. I wanted us to be together.
Wesley she began but couldnt find another word to say.
Im sorry, he said and ran his hands through his hair. I didnt mean to yell. This isI dont know. Last Sunday on your bed, Nora, I cant even tell you how that made me feel.
I never felt anything like what I felt with you, either, she said and remembered that abject panic she felt when she and Wesley had come so close to making love.
Felt what? he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked cold and tired. She wanted to wrap her arms around him until they both felt warm again.
She laughed a little. Performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety? Nora, you dont have to perform with me.
I think thats why I was so scared. I dont know how to be with someone like you. I dont know the rules to this game.
Its not a game.
Then how will we win?
Wesley didnt answer, just stared past her.
I guess that answers my question, she said.
Wesley took a deep breath. Ill try. Ill try to be what you need me to be. I know Im not like you, but I can try. Its worth it if I can be with you.
But it wouldnt be you with me. It would be some version of you that was trying to be what I wanted. I wont let you sacrifice who you are to be with me. Wesley shook his head and headed for the door. Wesley, please
She started to stand up, wanting to go to him.
Dont. He raised his hand. She froze where she was. Dont apologize and dont explain. Ill live with this. I just need you not to talk about it.
Im so sorry, she said, her voice hardly more than a whisper.
Hey, he said with false levity. At least its not S?ren.
Nora shrugged and clenched her teeth.
Weswill you let me give you the combs back? I cant imagine how much they cost and I know
Keep them. He grabbed his coffee mug and headed to the door again. He paused next to where she sat huddled in her chair. Theyll look beautiful in your hair.
Nora rested her head on her knees. Her stomach rumbled from stress and hunger. She hadnt eaten since yesterday afternoon, but the thought of food only made it worse.
I gotta go, Wesley said. Study group.
Be careful.
Wesley left without another word. The door shut. She heard Wesleys car start and pull away. And she knew she was alone. Coughing on purpose, Nora tried to relieve the pressure in her throat. She rose and poured a cup of coffee and half-considered spiking it with whiskey.
Sipping at her coffee, she swallowed the bitter heat gratefully. She needed more sleep, she decided, or another shower. No, she realized. What she really, who she needed was
The doorbell rang jarring her from the dangerous trajectory of her thoughts. She set her mug on the table and went to the door.
Nora opened the front door to find a woman standing on the porch. Her hair was an elegant shade of red and her fair skin was dusted with becoming constellations of pale freckles. Lovely beyond description, she looked a year or two shy of thirty, but her shining turquoise eyes glowed with a wisdom and intelligence well beyond her years.
Hello, Nora said.
Ms. Sutherlin, the woman said and with the first lilting words out of her mouth Nora knew exactly who she was. Im so sorry to trouble you. Im
My God, Nora breathed, youre Grace Easton.
I am, she said. How did
Welsh, beautiful, freckles. I dont see that combination much in this neighborhood. Nora smiled at her, sensing that this meeting was somehow preordained. Please come in.
33
Nora poured her coffee down the drain and replaced it with tea. She filled another cup and placed it on the kitchen table in front of Grace.
Milk? Nora offered.
Thank you, no. Zachary always called me a heretic for drinking my tea without milk.
Its not very English of you, Nora teased. But then again, youre Welsh.
My father is, and my mother is Irish.
I can tell. Nora envied Grace her red hair and exquisite freckles. Can you do an Irish accent, too?
A bit. But I grew up in Wales. Zachary can actually do the better Irish accent.
Really? Nora asked. That jerk. He never told me he could do other accents.
Grace smiled and sipped her tea.
Hes a man of many talents, Grace said. Youre being very kind to me. I know I must seem like a lunatic showing up at your home like this. Im leaving tomorrow morning, and I cant seem to find him anywhere. I called Mr. Bonner. He gave me your address. He said you and Zachary work together on the weekends sometimes.
We did. But the book is finished now, thank God.
Grace nodded and took another tentative sip of her tea. Nora took a drink of her own and noticed a bruise beginning to purple on her wrist.
So its work then that brings him here so often? Grace asked, fixing Nora with a surprisingly firm stare.
Were friends. Good friends.
Grace looked down and her eyes appeared to study the tiny ripples in her tea. She seemed nervous as a bird, her delicate fingers fluttering over the rim of her teacup.
I meant to come sooner. I tried to leave yesterday morning but my flight was delayed.
Why are you here? Nora asked and Grace met her eyes.
Zachary leaves for California tomorrow. I could hardly stand it when he was in New York. California seems like the other side of the world. His mornings would be my nights. Grace breathed in and exhaled slowly. Nora stayed silent and let her talk. I should have come weeks ago. I called himI told him there was a blackout, and I couldnt find the torch. There I was with every light on in the house lying to him just to hear his voice.
Sounds like something I would do. It was easy to see why Zach had loved this woman so fiercely. She had a poetic beauty to her, a gentleness that belied her undeniable fortitude.
There was something in his voice when we spoke, something that frightened me. He sounded farther away than just an ocean. I talked myself in and out of coming. Now I have to wonderam I too late? No, dont answer that. Im sorry.
Ill answer any question you ask, Grace.
I shouldnt ask. I forfeited my right to ask the first night I spent with Ian. I say the first night as if there were dozens of them instead of just three rather humiliating awkward affairs. It only took a week to realize what a foolish mistake Id made. But I was so young when Zachary and I married, and it was under such horrid circumstances.
I know. Zach told me. Im very sorry.
Grace gave Nora a quivering but determined smile.
He must care about you very much to have told you about us. Even his best mates, he never told them.
Nora shrugged. I beat it out of him.
I think hes always been embarrassed by it, by me.
No, I promise you he wasnt. I think he was only ashamed of himself. You were young and he was your teacher
My teacher, yes. Grace laughed. Every girl I knew was half in love with Zachary. He talked to us like we were equals. She smiled at a memory. He wore the most dignified, scholarly ties every day.
Nora conjured the image last night of Zach blindfolded with her black tie.
Zach in a tie is quite a sight to behold, Nora agreed.
A suit and tie every day. Grace grinned. He was so bloody proper and so handsome strolling the grounds with the ancient old profs hoary with beards quoting Shakespeare and Marlowe from memorywed all nearly faint when he strolled past, suit jacket over his shoulder and carrying that staid leather briefcase. We girls had our own ideas about what to do with those ties of his.
Youre a woman after my own heart.
The first night with him Grace stopped. Her voice drifted far away. I thought I was on a suicide mission. I went to tell him I was in love with him. I thought for certain hed throw me out. Instead, he made love to me. I know I should have stopped it, should have warned him I wasnt on birth control, but I didnt want him to stop. The moment he kissed me I felt like Id won the world. And even after all that happened, I still felt the same. But it isnt easy to be married to someone when you have this terrible banshee voice in your head screeching that he only married you out of guilt.
There was guilt, Im sure. But there was love, too, and more of that than anything.
Grace sat quietly for a moment and seemed to collect her thoughts.
I know you may not believe me, but Ive loved Zachary all this time. Even during the worst days. Even those awful nights with Ianthats when I missed him the most.
I believe you. Nora tried to give her a reassuring smile. Five years ago I left the man who had been the center of my universe for thirteen years. Trust me, I believe you.
Thirteen years. Grace sounded stunned. How did you survive?
I wasnt sure I would. Sometimes Im not sure I did.
Grace nodded her understanding. Ever since Zachary left Ive felt like a shade. I walk through the empty house and catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or the windows, and Im surprised to find Im still there. Her voice dropped to a whisper. Her eyes held unshed tears. I scare myself sometimes.
Nora took a sip of her tea and found she could barely get it down.
I scare myself, too.
I suppose I should be glad Zachary and I stayed married as long as we did. I never believed he loved me. I wanted to. And he certainly did everything he could to show that he loved me. But even after seven years, eight years, I still doubted it. So I pulled away hoping
Hoping he would come after you.
And I let him go
Hoping he would come back.
But he didnt come back Grace finished the thought.
Im sorry, Nora said, not knowing what else to say.
I thinkI dont know what I was thinking at the time . I believe I had the idea that we had to end before we could start again. Nonsense, of course. A romance novel fantasy, I see that now. No offense.
None taken. I write erotica, not romance novels. Nora grinned but her smile faded from her face. Ask me, Grace. I know you need to.
I rang his flat. No one answered. I stopped by this morning and knocked. No one came to the door. Was he with you?
Nora sensed her claws instinctively wanting to show themselves. But for some reason she harbored none of the hostility she usually felt for a rival.
I wont lie to you, Grace. He was with me. She leaned forward to gaze earnestly at Grace. But I wont lie to myself. I think he was with you, too.
Grace stood up slowly and walked to Noras kitchen window.
When I called him Grace began and exhaled. Her warm breath steamed up the cold glass of the window. He didnt call me Gracie like he always had.
Gracie, Nora repeated. Thats cute. You should start calling him George.
For King George?
Nora laughed. For George Burns and Gracie Allen. They had a legendary marriage. Might work.
I fall in love with him a little bit more every time he calls me that. Wed been married a year and one day it just came outGracie, come read this. It was the first time I felt truly married to him. And it was such a relief after a lifetime of being called princess.
Horrible nickname.
It gets worse. Its a terrible joke. My parents honeymooned in Calais so Im Grace Calais. Princess Grace and Grace Kelly Madness.
Your middle name is Calais? A memory came to Nora like a face remembered from a dark dream. She stood up and walked to where Grace still stood at the window.
How do you choose your safe word? Zach had asked.
Pick anything. The street you grew up on, your favorite food, the middle name of the long-lost love of your life
I did lie to you, Grace, Nora finally said and waited for Grace to meet her eyes. Nora reached out and put her hand on Graces arm. Grace covered Noras hand with her own. He wasnt with me last night at all.
* * *
Long after Grace had left, Nora sat at the kitchen table and stared at nothing until her eyes watered.
Wesley and Zachsomehow without trying she had lost them both. Zach would turn from her and Wesley she had turned away. A realization came upon her with the unavoidable force of the night after the day. She rose from her chair and returned to her bedroom. She threw open the closet door and pushed back the racks of clothes. On the back wall impaled on a nail hung a set of deep red rosary beads with a small key hidden behind the crucifix.
She took the key and dropped to her knees. From the farthest corner of her closet she pulled out a wooden box the size of a small Bible. With shaking hands she opened it and took from a bed of blood-red velvet the white leather collar that had once bound her to S?ren, the collar she had not worn in five years.
Rising from the floor she left the key in the lock and left the box on the floor. She left no note for Wesley and she left on all the lights. She threw on her coat, found her car keys, and taking nothing with her but her collar, she left. She pulled out of the driveway at breakneck speed and not once did it occur to her to look back.
34
Zach had heard of sleeping with ones eyes open but not of dreaming that way. But after a two-hour wait, two hours with his eyes on the hotel entrance, he knew his mind must be asleep. And when Grace walked in, saw him and smiled as if the two years of the cold and quiet hell theyd been living in had vanished into thin air, he knew he could only be dreaming.
He stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, afraid if he didnt hed drag her to him.
Hiya, he said, not knowing what else to say.
Hiya. It was her, her voice, his Grace.
I was waiting for you.
I see that. I tried to call you. Several times. When I didnt hear from you, I called Mr. Bonner. I told him it was an emergency. He gave me
He sent you to Noras, didnt he?
Dont be angry at him, please.
Im not. So you met Nora?
Grace nodded and hazarded a smile.
Had tea with her. We talked.
Zach was afraid to ask, more afraid not to. What did she say?
She said I should call you George.
She would say that. Gracie, I
About Nora, Grace said, cutting him off. I think she might be the only woman in the world I could ever forgive you for.
Say the word, Zach said, and shell be the only woman youll ever have to.
Grace smiled, but the smile broke in two as she collapsed into his arms. He held her to him and pressed his lips to her hair. She said nothing and that was fine. The weight of her slight body against his, her head on his chestit made him feel safer than any words she could have spoken.
Forgive me, too, she said. Please.
No, Gracie. He swallowed hard. Nothing to forgive. Tell me something, please.
Anything.
Zach pulled back and held her by the shoulders. He searched her face, still unable to believe she was here.
Did I lose you, or did I never have you to start with? he asked.
Grace shook her head. You never lost me, Zachary. And you always, always had me.
Zachs heart rose so high he thought it would burst from his chest.
I lied to you, Grace said, and looked up at him.
Zachs hands went cold. About what?
The day when I called about the blackoutthe lights werent really out.
They werent? Zach almost laughed.
No, she said and pressed her head against his chest again. The lights were never out.
* * *
The sanctuary at Sacred Heart sat empty but for the heady air still radiating warmth from the hundred or more souls who had left barely an hour ago. Nora faced the altar and inhaled the familiar smoky scent. She thought of the book of Revelation and how in it the prayers of the church rise before God in the form of incense. She said her own silent prayer and released it like smoke into the sky.
Im afraid youve missed Saturday morning Mass, a voice as familiar as her own said.
Nora turned around and found S?ren with a pewter pitcher refilling the fount of holy water at the entrance to the sanctuary.
But we celebrate Vigil mass at five oclock this evening if youd like to come back.
S?ren, you are ubiquitous. Nora came to him. He set the empty pitcher aside.
I prefer the term omnipresent, he said.
You would.
Nora didnt bother attempting to fake a smile for him. She knew him, knew he would see right through it. She waited and let S?ren study her. His knowing eyes on her face felt as intimate as a touch.
You look tired, little one, he said.
I am tired.
Tell me.
I have such a great gift for ruining things. It even impresses me sometimes.
Self-pity does not become you, he chastised her in the same tone he used to silence unruly children in the hallways. And while you have a gift for creating chaos, I have never known you to be willfully destructive. Now, what is this about?
Nora gave him the faintest of smiles.
I finished the book.
I had no doubt you would.
Zach even signed the contract. Then we celebrated.
Of that I have no doubt, either, S?ren said with a wry smile. So why is there so much sadness in your eyes?
I met Zachs wife today.
Ah, the once and future Mrs. Easton. What did you think of her?
I think hell go back to her.
S?ren nodded. That was inevitable.
Nora swallowed. And last night meant nothing.
Im sure your night together meant a great deal to him. More than you may ever know. The same wind that blows us off course can turn and carry us home.
She is his home. I could see that in her eyes. Shes perfect, S?ren.
Perfect for him perhaps. To me, Eleanor, it is you who is flawless.
Noras heart beat heavy in her chest. S?rens love never ceased to humble her.
Im as flawed as it gets.
You are human. And that is the better part of your beauty. But you always knew your editor longed for his wife more than anything. This cant be a surprise to you. What else?
Nora was afraid hed ask her that. But S?ren had been her father confessor for eighteen years. Now she needed his absolution more than ever.
Last SundayWesley and I almost made love.
You have been busy, havent you? Why only almost?
He stopped first, and then I stopped it all. S?ren she said in a hoarse half whisper, I broke the ruleI think I harmed him.
Little one. S?ren cupped the side of her face. Im so sorry.
I have to make him go, dont I?
For his own good, yes. That, Im afraid, was inevitable, as well.
Nora nodded, feeling none of the anger she usually experienced when S?ren proved himself insufferably right as he always did.
S?ren laid two fingers on her temple. He traced the line of her face from her forehead to her lips.
You always knew Zachary loved his wife. Yes?
Yes. She remembered the ghost of Grace that haunted his eyes from the day they met. I knewat the back of my mind, the back of my heart.
Where you love Wesley, yes?
Yes.
And me? he asked, his voice soft and earnest in that way it so rarely was with her these days. Where do you love me?
Nora did not hesitate before answering. She closed her eyes and whispered, Everywhere else.
S?ren looked at her as if hed already known that would be her answer, as if for all eternity it would be her answer. Perhaps it would, she thought.
Come to my office, S?ren said. We can talk about it.
Nora smiled. Your office. I remember when youd make me cocoa and help me with my math homework on that bench right outside your office.
I always knew when you were working on your math homework. The litany of profanities echoing through the halls was always an excellent indicator. Shall we? Ill see whats in the cupboard.
He held out his hand and Nora reached into her pocket. She laid her collar on his waiting palm.
I didnt come here for the cocoa. Nora met his eyes. For perhaps only the second time in eighteen years, she saw shed surprised him.
S?ren said nothing, merely closed his fingers around her collar. Shed seen those same fingers wrapped around his rosary a thousand times. He held her collar with the same love, the same devotion, the same grim determination to make heaven bend to his ear.
Without a word, S?ren turned on his heel.
Nora followed him through the sanctuary and through door after door. A final door opened to a shadowy tree-shrouded pathway that led from the church to the rectory. How many times had she furtively stolen from the church to his home? A million times, she thought. A million was still not enough.
Secluded by a copse of old-world elms and oaks, S?rens rectory stood graceful and quiet in the sheltered sanctuary created by the trees. A small two-story Gothic cottage, it afforded him both beauty and privacytwo very precious commodities.
Nora waited in submissive silence as S?ren built a fire in the living-room fireplace. Glancing around, Nora saw the secret signs of their long association: the B?sendorfer piano shed given him as a gift last December 21 for his forty-sixth birthday, the tassel of an embroidered bookmark shed made for him at church camp the summer she turned sixteen peeking out from a volume of John Donne poetry, a lock on the bottom door of a cabinet under one of the bookcases. Only she and he knew what he kept behind that lock. And on the fireplace mantel were ten slight scratches in the wood left by her desperate fingernails on a night he had shown her no mercy. She knew she might add another ten there tonight.
S?ren came to her and gazed down at her face. She kept her eyes respectfully lowered. It had been the first submissive act hed taught her.
Why are you here? he asked.
To give myself to you, sir.
You wish to be mine again?
Yes.
Completely?
And utterly, sir, she said. Without conditions or constraints. The words came so easily to her she knew they must be true. Coming back felt as easy as falling, as simple as death.
You werent mine last night, were you? S?ren demanded and Nora blushed.
No, sir, she whispered.
You were with your editor last night. Yes?
Yes.
And did you do as I told you? Did you make him hurt you?
Yes, sir.
From the corner of her eye she saw him raise his eyebrow at her in clear skepticism.
Show me.
Nora held out her hands and displayed her wrists, the purple bruises on her skin.
He held you down, S?ren said. Your arms were over your head.
Yes, Nora said, amazed how S?ren could read that simply from the angle of the marks.
What else?
Nora unbuttoned her blouse and let it fall to the floor. She unzipped her skirt and stepped out of it. Without shame or fear she shed all her underclothes, as well. She stood naked before S?ren and waited. He studied her body with appraising eyes. Stepping behind her, he raised her hair off her back.
He bit your shoulder, I see. Several times. He took you from behind.
Yes, sir.
Anal?
Once.
S?ren moved to her front again. He reached down and slipped his hand behind her knee. He raised her leg, inspecting the inside of her thigh with the perfunctory expertise of a judge at a dog show.
Finger marks, he said, releasing her leg. And knees. You fought him.
I made him work for it.
Did you?
Yes, sir.
Will you fight me tonight?
No, sir. Not now or ever again.
S?ren said nothing as he continued to study her naked body.
A few bite marks, a few bruisesIm afraid your Zachary is something of an amateur in the art of pain. Isnt he? Not like us.
The vicious slap landed across her cheek with such speed that Nora gasped as much from the shock of it as she did the pain. She inhaled and tasted blood in the back of her throat. She swallowed it and met S?rens eyes.
No, not like ussir.
S?ren smiled and snapped his fingers. Without a moments hesitation she dropped hard to her knees. He wrapped her collar around her throat and buckled it at the base of her neck. She breathed into its grip; let it hold her throat like a hand.
Nora heard the air divide in half and she braced herself for the blow.
How easily you forgive, Eleanor. How freely you absolve the sins of others. Tell me, little one, when the time comes, how will you absolve yours?
With the first lash of the whip Nora felt a strip of fire burn across her back. She cried out from a pain so ferocious she nearly choked on it.
Like this, S?ren, she dared answer only in her mind. This is how.
* * *
Yawning, Zach stumbled into his flat. Hed spent all night with Grace at her hotel talking it out. In all his life hed never been so grateful for a sleepless night. He glanced at the clock on the wall10:38 a.m. He smiled at the clock. Hed missed his flight to L.A.
Hed already called J.P. and told him he needed some time to decide what to do next. Thankfully, J.P. didnt seem the least surprised. Zach had gone with Grace to JFK and seen her off. Shed kissed him goodbye, something she hadnt done when hed left almost eight months ago. He floated home on that kiss and curled up with it on the couch. He would sleep first, catch an hour or two then call Nora. He didnt know what to say. But he knew she would understand.
Before he could close his eyes the phone rang. Zach grabbed at it, nearly dropping it in the process of trying to answer it.
Yes? Hello?
Zach, its me. Wes.
Wesley, what is it? Zach asked, coming fully alert again at the sheer panic in the boys voice.
Im at the hospital. I had to bring Nora in.
My God, what happened?
Zach heard Wesley cough like he was gagging on something. But it only took one word to explain all.
S?ren.
* * *
The ride to the hospital was nearly as torturous as the ride to Graces hotel had been the day before. Zach found the emergency ward where Wesley said they took Nora. He stood in the middle of the vast antiseptic room prepared to do battle with any doctor or nurse who dared ask him to leave. He wasnt sure exactly where Nora was, what curtain to look behind. He listened, hoping to hear her voice or even her tears, anything to lead him to her. Instead, he heard her laugh.
Zach followed her fading laughter and heard the low rumble of a mans voice. After a moment a man in a dark blue suit emerged. Zach saw a flash of gleaming metal on his belt. After a quick, steadying breath, Zach slipped through the curtain.
Good Lord, Nora, he said as he took in the bruised and bandaged sight before him.
Hey, Zach. What the hell are you doing here?
Wesley called me in hysterics. I can see why.
He overreacted. Nearly dragged me here kicking and screaming. He thought it was a broken rib, but its just bruised. Seriously, its not that bad. She adjusted the pillow behind her.
Not that bad? Her cheek was purpled and her bottom lip was cracked and swollen. He saw red welts on both wrists and even around her neck.
A bruised rib? You must be joking.
That was my fault, though. I flinched wrong. Im a bit out of practice. This stuff just goes with the territory. No big deal.
No big deal? That was a police officer, wasnt it?
Nora flashed him her old arrogant smile, a smile undiminished by the fissure of blood on her lip. Thats Detective Cooper, my friend on the force. He works with the community, keeps us out of trouble.
Youre a madwoman, Nora. Why did you do this?
Nora gave a cold, hollow laugh, grimacing as the movement seemed to hurt her.
Remember that day in my kitchen, she said, pausing to catch her breath. That first day we were working on my book. You asked me what Wess story was.
Yes, I recall. Why?
I told you Id put the first randy bitch who laid a hand on him in the hospital. Turns out it was me. Hey, never let it be said I cant keep a promise.
Norayou will be the death of me, Zach said, wanting to laugh, too, but finding it utterly impossible.
You keep saying that. And yet youre still alive. What the hell are you doing here anyway? Wheres Grace?
I dropped her off at the airport.
You let her leave without you? Are you insane?
I cant just bloody go
Yes, you bloody well can, Nora countered. Just go. Dont pack your toothbrush. Dont call work. Just get on a goddamn plane and go get your wife back. For good this time.
Zach stared at the tiles on the floor. His eyes followed the spots of black and white, letting them swirl together and become gray.
Go, Zach. You have no idea how much I want to keep you here. Selflessness is not in my nature. Go before I change my mind.
What about Wesley?
Hell be fine, too. Well be fine. And we finished the book. Your job is done.
Zach looked up and met her eyes. You must hate me.
I understand. Trust me.
Zach felt a terrible tightening in his chest. I couldnt have gone back to her, wouldnt have known how if it wasnt for you. Im sure that makes no bloody sense whatsoever.
Oh, it makes perfect sense. Nora laughed. I taught you how to leave me.
Im so sorry.
Im not. S?ren told me you were still in love with Grace. I should have listened.
S?renwhy? Zach shook his head.
Why? Nora scooted back on her pillow and briefly closed her eyes. Why? S?ren has loved me since the day we met. Hes loved me since I was fifteen years old. Hes loved me without fear, without guilt, without failing and without flinching every day of my life. She opened her eyes again and looked at him. Hes the only man who never hurt me.
Zach searched for words, any words, but couldnt find them.
Nora, I
Its okay. Really. You have to go. Youre wasting time. Youve had your bags packed since the day I met you. But it was never to L.A. you were going. We both know that. Go home.
Zach stood up and walked on shell-shocked feet toward the door.
Zach?
Zach turned around. Nora was looking at him.
It meant something to you, didnt it? Me? My book? Last night wasnt just
It took less than a second to get from the door to Noras bedside. Zach took her face in his hands and, careful of her bruises, kissed her with the passion of a man who knew the next woman he kissed would be the only woman hed kiss for the rest of his life.
Yes, he said, breathlessly. It meant something.
Nora nodded. Youre still my editor, right?
Always.
I have an idea for a new book. But Ill need your help.
Zach touched the unbruised side of her face.
Just remember, show, dont tell. He winked at her.
Nora laughed again, her wicked, dirty, perfect laugh.
How much are they paying you for this?
* * *
The drive home from the hospital felt interminable. Wesley didnt speak and Nora was afraid to shatter the silence. He pulled into their driveway. She got out of the car and felt a sudden wave of dizziness as the painkiller the nurse gave her kicked in when she stood up too fast. She thought she was about to go down, but then Wesley had her in his arms and carried her into the house.
You shouldnt have left the hospital. Wesley set her on the couch.
Ive left AMA before. You have to or theyll start calling in for psych evaluations and other shit you dont need.
You sure you dont need one?
I had a feeling that deep down you thought I was actually crazy, Nora said.
Wesley sat in the chair next to the couch. He leaned back and covered his face with his hands.
Id like to think you werent in your right mind when you did this to me.
Nora leaned back into the couch cushions. Every breath she took hurt, but not from the pain in her ribs.
I didnt do it to you, she said. I did it for you.
That makes no sense, Nora.
You promised me youd leave me if I went back to S?ren. Leaving me is the best thing for you to do.
You want me go? he asked, his voice soft with shock.
No. Never. She hated the look of relief on his face. But I need you to. I cant keep you anymore.
Wesley ran his hands through his hair. His face was red, his eyes rimmed with unshed tears. Let me keep you then.
No, sweetheart, I cant. I
Do you love me?
Wesley, its not morning until youre awake. And its not night until youre asleep in your bed under my roof. And I could go on and on but hope is a horrible thing, and I love you too much to give you any. I need you to do something for me.
Anything, Wesley said. Everything.
Please, she begged. Keep your promise.
Wesley opened his mouth to speak, to protest, but he turned his head at the sound of a car honking discreetly outside.
Nora met his eyes.
Thats for me, she said, standing up.
Youre really going back to him?
Nora faced Wesley. All she wanted to do was take him in her arms and hold him until all their pain was gone. But there was no time for that anymore. And his pain and hers werent going anywhere anytime soon.
Wes, I dont think I ever actually left him.
Nora grabbed her purse by the door and dug inside it. She pulled out her wallet and wrote a check to Wesley.
Here. She handed him the check. Back pay. Should cover your tuition and anything else you need for the rest of the semester.
Wesley took the check and methodically ripped it into pieces.
I never needed or wanted your money. All I ever wanted was you. Nora, please
Nora looked back at Wesley and wished she hadnt. She knew this would be the last time she saw him, maybe forever. She wanted her last memory of him to be happy The day theyd danced around her living room when her fifth book hit the bestseller list The night theyd stayed up until 3:00 a.m. to catch the meteor shower That Saturday last summer he took her horseback riding for the first time Last Sunday when he wanted to give her his virginity and there was nothing more in the world she wanted than to take it. But she knew shed never forget the look he wore on his face, the desperation, the broken eyes.
Dont go, he begged. I love you. Ive always
Nora stopped his words with a hand on his chest over his heart. He covered her small hand with his much larger one. She took a shallow breath.
I was wrong, Wes. About the watch chain and the combs Youre the only thing I have of value.
Nora
Dont forget to check your numbers. And stay away from carbs, okay? And do your homework and
Nora closed her eyes and tears poured down her face. She inhaled hard and met his eyes.
I will, he promised with a hollow voice. His eyes were wide with shock.
She pulled away from him and left the house carrying nothing but her bag. A gray Rolls-Royce was waiting on the street.
Bonjour, ma?tresse, Kingsley said from the backseat.
No, it isnt a bon jour, monsieur. She collapsed against him, her head on his knee.
I know, Elle. Kingsley put his hand on her flushed forehead. She winced at the pity in his voice, the pity in his touch. Where to? You said you needed to hide out for a few days. My town house? The Circle?
Take me anywhere, she said.
Anywhere? he asked.
Nora closed her eyes as the painkillers finally bested her desire to stay awake. Sleep came for her and she let it take her, not falling into it, but flying.
Kingjust take me home.
35
There was no such thing as London fognever had been.
Zach laughed to himself as he recalled his Royal House nickname. He thought he was the only London Fog anyone would ever see. But tonight it was a real London fogclean, pure, swept in from the southern seas that wrapped its gray arms around the never quite sleeping city and around Zach as he stood outside the house he and Grace had shared during their marriage.
Almost eight months had passed since hed crossed the threshold of his own home. He stood in the shadow of a streetlamp and imagined Grace inside. She was most likely reading, her knees tucked up under her chin in that battered but comfortable armchair they used to play-fight over. Zach slipped his hand into his pocket and felt a rush of silk against his fingers. He pulled out the black tie Nora had used to blindfold him. He stared at it. How had it gotten into his pocket? Who knew with Nora? Magic most likely. Zach considered throwing it into the nearest rubbish bin, but thought better of it.
Perhapsmaybeone never knew
Zach shoved the tie back into his pocket and strode forward up the three steps to his front door. He raised his hand to knock, but the door flew open before his knuckles touched the wood.
And there stood Grace wearing one of his shirts and not much else, and no woman in the history of the world had ever looked so beautiful standing in a doorway.
Hi, Gracie.
Grace grinned at him.
Hi, George.
* * *
Nora awoke and knew neither the time nor the place. She knew only that she had slept for a long time and that wherever she was, she wasnt afraid.
Where am I? she asked, trying to orient herself. She only knew this was not her bed, not her usual darkness.
But it was a familiar darkness. She remembered this darkness and knew it remembered her. She inhaled the scent of hardwood so clean and comforting, savored the soft sheets wrapped around her naked body. The bed that held her now had held her before.
She saw a square of white break through the blackness, felt the bed shift with a familiar weight.
Im here, little one, came a voice made for coaxing secrets from the heart. Sleep now. Well talk when its time.
Yes, sir, she said, now knowing where she was. She surrendered to sleep again.
The most familiar darknessher darknessshe was home.
* * * * *
The Endor is it?
Watch for THE ANGEL,
coming soon from Mills and Boon Spice.
Megan Hart is one of the most powerful
writers of erotic romance
Smartbitchestrashybooks.com
Indulge yourself with this four-book collection from award-winning erotic romance author Megan Hart.
EXCLUSIVELY AVAILABLE AS EBOOKS NOW
Find the collection at www.millsandboon.co.uk
The Angel
Tiffany Reisz
Praise forThe Siren
A beautiful, lyrical story The Siren is about love lost and found, the choices that make us who we are I can only hope Ms Reisz pens a sequel! Bestselling author Jo Davis
THE ORIGINAL SINNERS series certainly lives up to its
name: its mind-bendingly original and crammed with more
sin than you can shake a hot poker at. I havent read a
book this dangerous and subversive since Chuck
Palahniuks Fight Club. Andrew Shaffer, author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love
Tiffany Reisz is a smart, artful and masterful new voice
in erotic fiction. An erotica star on the rise!
Award-winning author Lacey Alexander
Daring, sophisticated and literary exactly what good
erotica should be.
Kitty Thomas, author of Tender Mercies
Dazzling, devastating and sinfully erotic, Reisz writes
unforgettable characters youll either want to know or want
to be. The Siren is an alluring book-within-a-book, a story that will leave you breathless and bruised, aching for another chapter with Nora Sutherlin and her men. Miranda Baker, author of Bottoms Up and Soloplay
You will most definitely feel strongly for these characters
this was an amazing story and Im so happy that its not over.
I cant wait to jump back into Noras world.
http://ladysbookstuff.blogspot.co.uk
About the Author
TIFFANY REISZ lives in Lexington, Kentucky. She graduated with a BA in English from Centre College and is making her parents and her professors proud by writing erotica under her real name. She has five piercings, one tattoo and has been arrested twice. When not under arrest, Tiffany enjoys Latin dance, Latin men and Latin verbs. She dropped out of a conservative seminary in order to pursue her dream of becoming a smut peddler. If she couldnt write, she would die.
Also by Tiffany Reisz:
SEVEN-DAY LOAN
(part of 12 Shades of Surrender: Bound)
THE SIREN
(Original Sinners 1)
Watch out for the third book in
The Original Sinners series
THE PRINCE
Available in December from
Mills & Boon
SPICE
To Gina Scalera, my Angel. I miss you.
To Eve, the original Original Sinner.
And to Andrew Shaffer, many waters
Part I
1
Fudge.
Mostly upside down with her head hanging off the bed, Nora saw the ominous slant of sunlight sliding through the window and across the floor. S?ren pushed into her again, and she flinched with pleasure.
Eleanor, are you thinking about food at a time like this? S?ren thrust hard once more and came with a controlled shudder.
Laughing from her recent orgasm and the absurdity of having this conversation in her current position, Nora finished her thought. Youre the one who told me I wasnt allowed to swear on Sundays anymore. So, fudge, Im going to be late for Mass, sir.
S?ren dipped his head and kissed her neck.
I have it on good authority that your priest would be quite displeased if you were late, he whispered into her ear.
Then my priest needs to untie my leg from his bedpost.
S?ren raised up and glared down at her; she innocently batted her eyelashes at him.
Beg, he ordered, and Nora started to growl. Arrogant son of a bitch.
He never said anything about not swearing in her mind. Just that she could never curse out loud.
S?ren put a finger over her lips.
No growling. Begging.
Clenching and unclenching her jaw, Nora took a deep breath.
Please, sir, will you let me go so I can drive my asbottom home, take a shower, eat breakfast for once this week, throw on some clothes and drive back to church so I can sit in my pew looking prim and proper all the while imagining you naked as youre giving some homily on sin and how, shockingly, Gods against it? Pretty please with you on top?
S?ren slapped the back of her thigh hard enough she yelped. But still he reached up and unknotted the black silk rope from her ankle. With obvious reluctance, he withdrew from her and rolled onto his side.
Now free, Nora started to crawl out of his bed.
S?ren propped his head on his hand and stretched languidly across his white sheets. She wasnt going to look at him. If she looked at S?ren, shed crawl right back to him.
In a hurry, little one?
To leave you? No. To not be late for Mass and earn yet another beating this week? Yes. S?ren caressed the back of her calf and Nora turned back to stare daggers at him. Are you trying to make me late sir?
Sighing, S?ren pulled his hand away from her. It wasnt fair. The rectory stood all of two minutes walk from the church; being male and not having to worry about what outfit to wear, S?ren could get ready in ten minutes.
A vicious accusation, Eleanor. Of course I would never try to make you late. You are a role model for the young people in the church after all.
Snorting a laugh, Nora started picking up her clothes. She pulled her shirt off the top of the bedpost she been tied to last night while S?ren had flogged her senseless. Her skirt lay in a crumpled heap on the floor where it had landed after S?ren unzipped it and let it fall before bending her over his bed and strapping her ankles to a spreader bar. Somewhere under his bed she found her bra, and her underwear was at home in a drawer. She rarely bothered with underwear around S?rencounterproductive really.
A role model? Nora Sutherlinerotica writer, ex-dominatrix. Its a pleasure to meet you. She held out her hand to shake. S?ren only looked at it and raised his eyebrow at her.
Youre a role model to Michael. He adores you.
But Michaels one of us, sir. She smiled at the memory of S?rens anniversary gift to her last year: the virginity of possibly the prettiest teenage boy in the known world. Pretty, kinky and unfortunately deeply troubled. Of course hes got a soft spot for me. Or a wet spot. Anyway, none of those vanilla twerps at church need to look up to me.
Nora shoved her feet into her shoes as S?ren got out of bed. Her heart pounded at the sight of all six feet four inches of his perfectly sculpted, unashamedly naked body coming toward her. No one watching him now would ever believe S?ren was forty-seven years old. And no one seeing them last night and this morning as he beat her and fucked her repeatedly in a variety of delightfully degrading positions would have dreamed he was one of the most respected Catholic priests in all of New England.
You give them hope that one can be an adult Catholic without being conventional or condescending.
Youre trying to say the kids think Im cool, arent you?
My sentiments exactly.
She turned her face up to him for a quick goodbye kiss. Instead he bent down and kissed her long and slow deeply, possessively. No one had ever kissed her the way S?ren did, as though he was inside her body even when he was only inside her mouth. After nearly five minutes of pure passionate kissing, S?ren finally pulled back.
Eleanor, you really should stop dawdling. His steel-gray eyes glinted wickedly.
Nora glared at him. You bas Nora began, and S?ren glared at her. This no swearing on Sundays thing was going to kill her. But she would do it come heck or high water. Bastion of evil intentions. You just stole five minutes by kissing me. God Almighty.
Young lady, if you dont stop using the Lords name in vain, Im going to reintroduce caning into our relationship. Are you really complaining that I kissed you?
Yes. Youre cheating. You want me to be late so youll have an excuse to beat me.
As if I need an excuse. S?ren smiled at her, and she was torn between the twin impulses to either slap him or kiss him again.
Im gone. Goodbye. I love you, I hate you, I love you. Ill see you at eleven, and Ill try very hard to listen to your homily this morning instead of having flashbacks from last night. But no promises.
Nora headed for the door.
Eleanor forgetting something?
Nora spun on her heel and came back to him. Reaching up she wrapped her arms around his neck.
Am I, sir?
He bent to kiss her again.
The bed.
Nora rolled her eyes. She pulled away from him and quickly made his bed, fluffing his pillows with near-hurricane force.
There, sir. Happy now?
S?ren pulled her to him and ran his fingers over her cheek.
Youre here. Of course I am.
Nora sighed at his words and his touch. In the years she and S?ren had spent togetherthose ten beautiful years in his collar before the incident, until shed left himthey usually spent two or three nights a week together at the most. Then, after five years apart, shed come back to him, and since returning, she spent nearly every free moment she could with himat the rectory, at their friend Kingsleys Manhattan town house or at The 8th Circle, the infamous underground S&M club where S?ren was practically worshipped. She hated being at home alone these days. The house seemed too big, too empty, too quiet.
S?rens hands left her face and reached around her neck. She heard a click, felt something give way, and S?ren removed her white leather collar. As always, the moment her collar came off her neck, she felt something tighten around her heart. S?ren opened the rosewood box that sat on his bedside table, took out his Roman collar and replaced it with Noras collar.
.
.
, (https://www.litres.ru/tiffany-reisz/the-original-sinners-the-red-years-39920610/) .
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- Жанр: Зарубежные любовные романы
- Язык: Книги на английском языке
- Объём: 1710 стр. 9 иллюстраций
- ISBN: 9781472095848
- Дата выхода книги: 01 июля 2019
- Версия: 📚 Электронная книга
The Original Sinners: The Red Years collection contains four unforgettable, erotic stories and one tantalising, provocative novella collection.THE SIREN Some love stories you never forget.She tore herself from the man she adored, who transformed her, who possessed her… who would have destroyed her.Now, she is adored by a man she must not have.Some books will change your world.She thinks she knows what it means to be pushed to her limits.She’s wrong.Be prepared… this is one of them.THE ANGELShe wanted him…Nora Sutherlin is hiding. On paper, she’s following her master’s orders – and her flesh is willing.More deeply, more strongly than she’d wanted anyoneBut her mind is wandering to a man from her past, whose hold on her heart is less bruising, but whose absence is no less painful. Instead of letting him make love to her, she’d let him go.This is the story of a summer that proves that love hurts.THE PRINCEOne man taught her to love…She left her old life for him. Now Nora is torn in two, wanting to fit into this new, innocent relationship, yet relentlessly hungering for her darker self…and Søren, the man she left behind.One man taught her to obey…While Nora’s trying on innocence for size, Søren is stepping ever further into decadence, determined to block out the agony of watching Nora walk away. Wills she ever choose to return to their life of glorious, addictive sin?Which man would you crave?THE MISTRESSShe is addictive… irresistible.Nora Sutherlin, Dominatrix-turned-literary-star, is held prisoner by two dangerous men. Under different circumstances she would enjoy this immensely. These men aren’t lovers, however, but tools of vengeance from an old adversary.Possessor of the hearts of two men, she plays her hardest hand.But her captor isn’t interested in play. Or pity. In Nora’s world, however, no one is ever truly powerless. Her friends and lovers will do anything to save her – even if the only certainty seems to be sacrifice and heartbreak.The stakes are high in a dangerous game of love, lust and passion.THE MISTRESS FILES: The Case of the Acting Actress, The Case of the Diffident Dom, The Case of the Reluctant Rock Star, The Case of the Secret Switch, The Case of the Broken BartenderWelcome to the private files of Nora Sutherlin, The Mistress.Kingsley Edge, owner of the 8th Circle BDSM club, has ordered her to compose client profiles so the other Dominatrices in his employ can learn from her expert erotic encounters. She’s the best Dominatrix at the club and her clients always leave satisfied.The Mistress’s first five cases are anything but vanilla…1. The young actress known as “America’s Sweetheart” who definitely isn’t innocent.2. The ex-Dom whose wife wants to experience the pleasure of domination – Nora can convince him to trust his wife’s desires.3. The rock star who says he’s researching a music video, but whose arousal makes Nora determined to prove he’s a sub.4 .The special client who’s secretly a Switch like Nora, both dominant and submissive, and only comes to her when he wants pain.5. The woman with a very unique request, who Nora will never see in her dungeon again…
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