Книга - The Long Walk Back: the perfect uplifting second chance romance for 2018

The Long Walk Back: the perfect uplifting second chance romance for 2018
Rachel Dove


Does everyone deserve a second chance?As an army trauma surgeon Kate knows how to keep her cool in the most high pressure of situations. Although back at home in England her marriage is falling apart, out in the desert she’s happy knowing that she’s saving lives.Until she meets Cooper. It’s up to Kate to make a split-second decision to save Cooper’s life. Yet Cooper doesn’t want to be saved. Can Kate convince him to give his life a second chance even though its turning out dramatically different from how he planned?Readers love Rachel Dove:“A well written, beautifully paced and emotional read.”“It's dark, it's gritty, yet beautifully written”“a really well-written and emotional novel with characters that kept me coming back for more.”“I so wish I could give this more than 5 stars, it's a fabulous book”







Does everyone deserve a second chance?

As an army trauma surgeon Kate knows how to keep her cool in the most high pressure of situations. Although back at home in England her marriage is falling apart, out in the desert she’s happy knowing that she’s saving lives.

Until she meets Cooper. It’s up to Kate to make a split-second decision to save Cooper’s life. Yet Cooper doesn’t want to be saved. Kate’s determined to convince him to give his life a second chance even though its turning out dramatically different from how he thought. Along the way, can he convince Kate to give love a second chance too?


Also from Rachel Dove

The Chic Boutique on Baker Street

The Flower Shop on Foxley Street


The Long Walk Back

Rachel Dove






ONE PLACE. MANY STORIES


Contents

Cover (#u5efbed82-0bb3-5271-974f-1738e16ef0fd)

Blurb (#u643e5847-52bd-5825-953a-c79ac414ac99)

Title Page (#u8234f411-f6f5-59cb-b2cf-dd82fe36e688)

Author Bio (#u1f61c590-56d6-5352-a1b2-bd890b2ca03f)

Acknowledgements (#ulink_0cc68205-fcf8-55c3-8d5d-5a2388d9b6ab)

Dedication (#ud6e37568-3d69-58da-829a-0ca3282ce688)

Prologue (#ulink_044a390b-9c68-5ed9-9c13-b77351d07316)

Chapter One (#ulink_475a5ade-2e38-52d1-847a-f4ff23d03a4e)

Chapter Two (#ulink_a294fe94-bc54-55de-b176-a130cb754074)

Chapter Three (#ulink_d6dd942c-d9f2-534e-b7f7-adfdc5e688d7)

Chapter Four (#ulink_3a1fbd47-fecc-5f7b-a6dd-83d09fd6aaae)

Chapter Five (#ulink_65fca4ea-e971-5c01-9d13-170771eb5ecb)

Chapter Six (#ulink_d59503b4-7f67-5886-97e1-71006fc033fe)

Chapter Seven (#ulink_27c35c31-188e-5f1c-90cf-ed5a8f3f719e)

Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo)

Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)

Endpages (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)


RACHEL DOVE

is a mum of two from Yorkshire and a post 16 teacher specialising in early years education and SEN and Autism.

She has always loved writing, has had previous success as a self-published author, and is the author of The Chic Boutique on Baker Street and The Flower Shop on Foxley Street. Rachel is the winner of the Mills & Boon Prima Flirty Fiction competition.

She is the winner of the 2016 Writers Bureau Writer of the Year award and has had short stories published in the UK and overseas. She is currently working on her sixth book, and can often be found glued to a keyboard.

She is currently undertaking an MA in Creative Writing and if not writing or working from home, she can be found walking the dog or hanging out with her family. She may have a slight addiction to Pickled Onion Monster Munch, but she will deny it when asked.


Acknowledgements (#ulink_c626416d-7891-50b4-88c4-dcd970b253c9)

First of all, big thanks as always to my lovely editor Anna Baggaley, who listened to my rambling pitch for this book in a busy London wine bar, and backed me in writing it and bringing it out into the world. This book was one I wanted to write for a while, and thanks to you and HQ/Harper Collins, it’s finally here.

Also thanks to my physiotherapist Matt, from The Sandal Clinic in Wakefield, who not only fixed my tricky back, but answered my many questions and gave me pointers on sources for the medical parts of this book. Thanks also to the British Army and Help for Heroes for their information, and their service.

A huge helping of gratitude as always to my lovely family of authors, readers and bloggers, who spur me on and inspire me every day. There are too many of you to list, but a big mwah to you all. I love to hear from readers, and I hear such lovely comments. Thank you.

Lastly, as always a massive thank you to my family, especially my husband Peter and our sons Jayden and Nathan. Thank you for putting up with the piles of clean washing everywhere and takeaway food while I tapped away on my laptop for so many hours. I love you all. Miss you Max.


To my husband Peter, who never reads my books, but inspires them anyway.

Thank you for putting up with me.


PROLOGUE (#ulink_905665be-adc8-5f50-99c3-d2f2eda3dfa7)

That day. The day I learned an answer to one of mankind’s big questions: what do you see when your body is at the point of death? Not your average day. An average day is going to work, coming home, parking your fat arse on the couch in front of the TV, a takeaway perched on your knee while you piss and moan to yourself about how skint you are, how the country is going to the dogs, how much you hate your job. That is an average day, one that blends into countless others through the years, till you wake up in your fifties, bored, bald and fat, wondering at what point the dreams of your younger self went down the toilet. That was never going to be me, and my choices in life led me to this day, what looked like my last day. Karma is a bitch, I hear you on that one.

An hour earlier, I was doing a routine sweep of the area with my unit. Of my thirty-one years on the earth, I had spent fifteen of them in the army. We were out in Iraq, pushing back the terrorists that threatened the small villages we were camped near to. Many of the villagers wanted us here, and the tensions were rising.

It’s not like on the news. You think it all looks the same. Desert, broken buildings, busted vehicles, shattered people. There is no beauty on the news, but it exists here. We fear what we don’t know, what we can’t control, but here people live the same as us in many ways. I have seen photos on walls, gardens lovingly tended, children loved and cared for. The actions of few cause the outcome for many, and I saw it every day. I joined to serve, to have a purpose, but I also enlisted to find the family I never had. So now I fought for them too, with them by my side.

There had been a lot of unease the last few weeks, and you could feel the stress, the taut emotions of the people and the enemy, even through the hot, dry air. I had had a bad feeling in the pit of my gut for days, and when the shots had started firing, I knew why. They had been gearing up to take us down, and as prepared as we thought we were, we were still caught with our pants down that day.

‘Pull back!’ I boomed gruffly to my charges. ‘Come on, go, go, go!’ I started to run for the nearest building, the one we had just finished sweeping. It was abandoned, full of empty homes, food still rotting on tables that would never host a family meal again. I kept looking over my shoulder, watching my guys take shelter one by one. A hail of shots whizzed past my ear, and I threw myself against the side of the nearest car. Hunching down, I looked to where the shots were coming from. Two of my guys were still on the way to the shelter – one hunched over, not moving. The other, Travis, was dragging him to safety. Blood followed them like a trail of gunpowder as they desperately tried to escape. Another barrage of shots rang out, and Travis jerked. He had been hit, but he kept going, pulling Smithy along with him, hung over his shoulder. They weren’t going to make it. I jumped up, firing a volley off at the top of the building, the source of the shots but they fired back. Hunching down again, I shouted at Travis to get a move on, grabbing my radio and running towards them.

‘Hightower, can you see him?’ I screamed into the radio. My sniper on the roof, Bradley, was my ace in the hole.

‘Nearly, the slippery bastard is hidden well. He has a child up there with him, using him as a human shield.’

I cursed under my breath. I reached Travis and grabbed Smithy from him. Travis was bleeding badly, but it looked like a shoulder wound.

We ran hell for leather towards the shelter, Hightower screaming into the radio.

‘He’s reloading Coop, get a move on!’

I was almost at the shelter, Travis was just ahead, racing to get ready to help Smithy, who was still out cold. My muscles burned from the effort of dragging him along with me, but I ignored the pain, pushing on.

‘Almost there,’ I shouted back into the receiver. ‘Find a shot, and take him down!’

Hightower acknowledged and just as we reached the lip of the shelter, shots rang out again, this time with the ‘phut phut’ of the sniper rifle as Hightower followed orders. I was just wondering whether the poor child on the roof was okay, when a huge force pushed me straight off my feet, into the air. I reached out to tighten my grip on Smithy, but felt nothing but space. Hitting the ground, I struggled for breath, dust and debris raining down around me. Hightower was screaming down the air waves, mobilising the others.

I struggled to breathe, and my mouth was coated with a new layer of dust every time I managed to pull in a ragged breath. I could hear commotion around me, and moved my head to the side to look for Smithy. I could see him a few feet away, and I knew without a doubt he was dead. I turned away, already wanting to erase the memory of his crumpled form from my memory. I coughed, and felt a warm trickle run down my cheek. Not good¸ I thought to myself. I could hear my friends, my comrades in arms, running towards me, firing shots off, barking orders at each other. There was no white light, no images of me running around in short trousers, nothing. I could see nothing but dust, flashes of weaponry, and the smell of panic and desperation in the air. I felt bone tired, and a little voice inside of me told me to sleep. I tried to shake my head, keep myself awake, but the warm feeling spread through me. My body wasn’t responding. It was like slipping into a hot bath after a long, cold day. I could feel my muscles began to relax, and my throat filling up with liquid. I tried to spit, to turn my head, but my eyelids were already fluttering. I thought of the boy, no doubt dead now on the rooftop. I wondered if he had parents around to grieve for him, people who would mourn his death. And that’s the last thing I remember.


CHAPTER ONE (#ulink_7ee3b511-4c7b-51ce-a5da-9f402f2c61fa)

Kate was pulling faces into the camera when the call came in to tell her casualties were en route. She turned around to face the opposite direction, shielding her son from the images of people who had been running behind her.

‘Mummy has to go now, sweet pea, but I will call you back as soon as I can, yeah? Remind Dad to take you to football practice after school, okay?’ Her son rolled his eyes.

‘He never checks the calendar Mum, you know that. When are you coming home?’ Trevor tapped her on the arm, waving to her son’s image on the phone screen.

‘Hey Jamie, good luck at practice! Kate, we have to go,’ he said, frowning in apology. From the look on her colleague’s face, it was bad. She blew a kiss at her son. Jamie rolled his eyes but blew one back.

‘I am eight Mum, when I’m nine there are no more kisses, okay? It’s well embarrassing!’

Kate laughed. ‘No deal kiddo. I will be wanting kisses when you are all grown up. I have to go, see you soon. Love you.’

Jamie smiled weakly. She knew that this was hard for him too, but she couldn’t miss the opportunity. ‘Love you too Mummy,’ he said, and his face disappeared from view as the call ended. She knew he would understand when he was older. She hoped that he would be proud that his mother went out there, did something with her life; that he would remember that instead of the times she worked late, went away, was an absent parent. Mothers were a different breed to fathers. Fathers could have it all, but mothers were judged no matter what they did. She loved Jamie, but when she stood there in a messy house, with leaking breasts and a screaming newborn, she knew it would never be enough. He was her world, but she still wanted the moon and the stars. Men could have that and no one batted an eyelid. A woman wanted to do the same? Judgement would follow. She wanted Jamie to grow up in a world where that particular glass ceiling was gone, replaced by open sky. If she could help smash it, all the better. She would make it up to him when she got back.

Kate threw the phone into her bag, grabbed her scrubs after throwing her clothes onto her cot bed and got herself ready in record time. Grabbing her kit, she raced to follow Trevor to the hospital tent nearby. She covered her eyes as best she could from the dust that the incoming helicopter kicked up in the sandy dirt that their medical camp was perched on.

Doing a three-month stint with the Red Cross as a trauma surgeon was not for the faint-hearted, but Kate Harper loved every bloody minute of it. She had two weeks left, and although she missed her boy dearly, she knew that going home to her usual hospital job would be an adjustment. Not as much as it would be going home to Neil, her husband of seven years. She had to admit to herself, the distance between them lately mounted up to more than miles, and she didn’t quite know what to do about it. The thought of seeing him again filled her with anxiety. She knew that this trip had changed something between them, it had stretched the elastic of their relationship thin. She wasn’t sure it could spring back this time. Did she even want it to?

Being here was a very different kind of working away. Their phone calls were always snatched seconds. When she did get time to call, the signal often dropped, leaving them to play frustrated phone tag with each other. When he was away for work at conferences, they could chat leisurely. Him from his safe snug hotel room at the side of some motorway. Her from their bed, with their son sleeping soundly nearby. Their conversations consisted of errands to run, Jamie’s school day, their work days. The logistics of their married life together. Here, the calls were clipped, short. Checking in. Are you and Jamie okay? Is it bad there? She couldn’t talk about her day. What would she tell him, about the lives she saved? The ones she lost? She didn’t want to think about them, let alone try to form words, to explain them to a man who worked in a safe office all day, watching the clock for meeting times, not for giving time of death. It narrowed their conversations. She couldn’t help but feel mad if he moaned about his day, about things that Kate had already realised didn’t matter in the grand scheme. Neil got mad that she was so closed off and cagey about her life there. Other times she could feel the resentment in his voice, as though she were away on a girly holiday and he had been left holding the pre-teen. They could fill a book with everything they couldn’t say. She couldn’t remember the last time she had told him she loved him. She pushed it to the back of her mind, she had to work now. Some puzzles were easier to solve than others. Long distance relationships weren’t easy. They both knew that, but it wasn’t forever.

The chopper landed, the metal glinting in the early morning scorch of the sun. Kate grabbed her hair, pulling it tighter into her ponytail, and raced to meet the stretcher. She snapped a pair of gloves on as she ran, though she wasn’t sure how sterile they would be given the sand flying around. Her colleagues at home would balk at some of the makeshift operations set up in these tents. The medicine was the key though, patching people up, getting them home. The rest was done as best they could under the circumstances. It wasn’t all pretty and clean here. In this environment, fighting death was bloody, messy and fast. Split second decisions were crucial.

‘What do we have?’ she asked the army medic pulling the patient out on the gurney, keeping his head dipped below the spinning chopper blades.

‘One dead in the field, two injured. This one is Captain Thomas Cooper, his unit was ambushed. Multiple injuries, IED, left leg. Flatlined twice on the way here, his vitals are shot. He has shrapnel injuries to his leg and torso, he hasn’t been conscious since impact.’ The medic glanced across at her. ‘We need to move fast.’ Kate nodded, running alongside the trolley as they raced for the trauma tent.

‘What meds has he had?’

‘We started him on a course of strong antibiotics and 10mg of morphine. We had no time for anything else, we had to get him out of there.’

It didn’t look good. Cooper’s eyes fluttered, and Kate noticed what a beautiful shade of green they were, the contrast made all the starker against his deathly pale skin and blood splattered face. They raced into the tent, transferring him from the stretcher to one of the hospital treatment tables. He never made a murmur. Kate grabbed a pair of scissors from her kit and cut away the remnants of his trousers, showing torn black boxers underneath. His left leg was a bloody mess. They had to stop the bleeding, or he would lose his life too. Looking at his right leg, she saw shrapnel protruding from his bloody wounds. These were comparatively superficial wounds; had he not been running flat out, she surmised that both legs would have hit the homemade bomb and been in the same state. The only reason this soldier had any leg at all was the position of his running body as the blast hit. She got to work, barking out orders to the staff running around the bed next to her. The whole tent was a hive of activity, and Kate blocked the noises out. On her first week here, she had been useless. She was no stranger to traumatic injuries, but the relative silence of the wards and operating rooms back home was a world apart from the sounds that surrounded her on a daily basis now. Strapping grown men, screaming, calling for their mothers, their wives, their gods, helicopters and booming sounds of bombs nearby, gunfire in the distance. All of these sounds had taken some adjustment, but now she tuned them out, was able to concentrate on what her colleagues were saying, the heart sounds she listened to in damaged chests, the gurgles and moans from the bodies she tended to. Kate ran over to Trevor.

‘The Captain’s not looking good. We need to stop the bleeders in his chest and right leg too. He’s lost a lot of blood.’

Trevor nodded, working on another patient as he listened to his colleague and one-time student.

‘You have this Kate.’ As she turned to run back, he shouted after her.

‘Kate, save him if you can. He saved two others in the field, his troop only made it out because of his actions. Only one died, and he will be angry enough about that when he comes to. We owe it to him.’

Kate ignored the slab of thick tension that nestled in her throat. ‘Roger that.’

‘They used a kid as a human shield Kate, the sniper had to take them both out to save our men. An innocent kid. No one else gets to die today.’ Kate ran back to Cooper. She thought of her earlier phone call with her son. Worrying about him missing football practice, whether he had eaten breakfast. A world away from being used as a weapon in a war he didn’t cause or belong in. A mother had lost her child today.

***

Hours later, the tent was quieter, calmer. The gunfire in the far distance had abated somewhat, and the silence was almost eerie. Kate was exhausted, covered in dirt and grime that had mixed with the sweat of her frantic exertion to save lives in the middle of a warzone. They needed to be ready at a moment’s notice, but the adrenaline of the last few hours had kicked in now and she knew if she went to bed, she would just lay awake looking at the ceiling of the tent, so she stayed. Sarah Fielding, a combat medic assigned to this unit, was at a nearby desk sorting through personal effects ready to bag and tag. They tried to save what they could, to either give back to the soldiers, or send back to their families. Kate went to the small kitchen area and grabbed a strong coffee, sitting down on a chair near the desk.

‘Hi Sarah, you okay?’ Kate asked tentatively, sipping at the strong hot drink. She felt the jolt of caffeine lick through her limbs.

‘Yeah, I just hate this job,’ Sarah replied, frowning. Kate noticed a familiar piece of clothing.

‘That the Captain’s trousers? Mind if I look?’

She shrugged. ‘No, bag it up for me would you, when you’re done? I still have a pile to get through and I need to get my head down.’ Sarah looked across at her, smiling weakly. ‘You should too.’

Kate nodded, taking the possessions from her colleague. ‘I will, I can’t settle yet. You go.’

Sarah placed a hand on her shoulder as she passed, squeezing it in appreciation. ‘Night Kate.’

‘Night Sarah,’ Kate said over her shoulder. The Captain was still unconscious, whether from the sedation or his injuries remained to be seen. They had stopped the bleeding, and he was stable. For now. Glugging at her coffee, she set it down on the desk and started to go through her patient’s belongings. He had the usual field stuff in his pockets, along with a wallet. It had escaped the blast. His mobile phone was shattered, so she itemised it and put it into the bag. Opening the wallet, she looked through, feeling guilty for going through his personal possessions, but it needed to be done. Sometimes, all families got back were the contents of their loved one’s pockets and bags, and even a half-eaten packet of mints was a comfort to a grieving mother. Photos and letters were the gold though. Looking through the wallet, she found amongst the cards and money a little stack of snaps. She frowned as she thumbed through them. They were all of him and his friends, in various barracks and war zones. No family pictures, no smiling mother and father, no rosy cheeked children cuddled by a proud wife. She noticed how handsome he was, smiling into the camera, laughing into another. His playful side showed, a man goofing around with his buddies in a rare peaceful moment. She wondered whether anyone would be trying to ring his phone. Worrying about why he didn’t answer.

Trevor came into the room then, unnoticed by Kate till he took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee.

‘Hey,’ she said teasingly. ‘Get your own!’

Trevor winked and drained the cup. ‘You should be in bed. Want a fresh one?’

Kate nodded, already back to being absorbed in the images in her hands. ‘Do you know the Captain?’

‘Thomas Cooper, one of the good ones,’ Trevor replied. How’s he doing?’

Kate looked at Trevor, a frown on her tired face. ‘Stable. For now. His leg doesn’t look good. We’re watching him for signs of sepsis.’

‘He won’t be happy if he can’t go back into full service. Keep me updated. Has he woken up yet?’

Kate shook her head. Trevor’s gaze dropped.

‘Has he got any family?’ Kate asked. ‘There are only his army buddies in these photos.’

Trevor shook his head. ‘Nope, Cooper is army born and bred. No family to speak of, as far as I know. He keeps his cards pretty close to his chest.’

Kate put the photos back, finishing her task and tying the bag up to go with the others. He was alone here then, like her. I suppose, really, they were all out here alone, which made it all the more important to have each other’s backs. Except she had people, waiting for her, counting on her to return to them. She looked at the ward entrance, partitioned off by canvas doors.

Trevor went off to get more coffee, but when he came back, Kate was nowhere to be seen. He carried the cups through to the main ward tent, sure that a nurse would be grateful for the hot drink. Walking through, something made him slow his heavy step. At the end of the ward, next to Captain Cooper’s bed, Kate lay in a chair, sleeping, one hand over Cooper’s as they both slept. Trevor smiled to himself, going to find a tired nurse to caffeinate. That was Kate all over, all heart.


CHAPTER TWO (#ulink_2fb56002-8487-5c56-9989-6d7219a19997)

Three months earlier

‘And what about Jamie, Kate? Have you thought about him in all this? I have a job too, you know,’ Neil said, ripping off his tie and slamming it down on the table that sat in their large open plan kitchen. Kate continued to stir the pasta, giving herself a minute before acknowledging her husband’s rant.

She turned down the stove and moved to face him, resting her back against the kitchen worktop. The room was dimly lit, the side bulbs under the units giving off a glow to light up the room. One of Jamie’s school projects lay on the table, drying papier-mâché planets, laid on old newspaper, ready to paint. Looking at her husband, Kate noticed the fine lines around his eyes, the crinkles on his forehead. When they had first got together, she had never imagined that it would end up like this.

They had only been on a few dates, and Kate was getting ready to break it off, realising that their relationship wasn’t lighting the spark she had expected to feel. Then she was late. Four weeks late on her normally regular cycle, and she just knew. A few weeks before, determined to give her suitor a good opportunity to bowl her over, she had suggested a night on the town. It had gone quite well too, but Kate had drunk a lot that night, determined to silence the voice inside her that told her that this guy was not the one for her. Everyone deserved a chance. The next morning, she had woken up with a thick head, a heavy heart and a sleeping naked Neil beside her. She was the original cliché, knocked up after one night together. That definitely hadn’t been part of her plans, especially as she had just secured her dream job as an orthopaedic surgeon at the local hospital in Leeds. Whether she liked it or not, she’d have to juggle a baby and her career, and a lukewarm dating partner who had just been cemented into her life. Abortion wasn’t an option for Kate; she had no problem with people having a choice, but her choice was to keep the baby, no matter how inconvenient the timing was. So they’d got married. Neil had been delighted, never sharing her worries or misgivings. Being from a large family, he saw this as the way life was supposed to be; meet someone, get married, have a baby. By the time Jamie came along, they had bought a house together and settled down into the rut that was their married life. And a rut it was for Kate. In many ways, she loved being with him. He was a good father, he loved her, they got on, but the thunderbolt was never there for her. She knew it was for him, he told her how he felt all the time.

Surgeons have a reputation for being rather cold, clinical people. Top-of-their-field surgeons are pretty much left alone. They cut and save lives, they don’t get emotionally invested in their patients. Neil saw how Kate was with her work, and took it as an extension of her. It wasn’t a reflection on their marriage, their child, their life together. As time went on, they settled into each other’s lives, forging one of their own. Kate knew that her love for Jamie was one of the things Neil adored most about her. There she came alive for him, and shed the surgeon skin. And in the beginning, that was enough for him.

Kate adored her child from day one. Even looking at Jamie now, she was hit by a sucker punch of emotion, a protective instinct that she’d never known she had. Jamie was her world, and now Neil was using that to sling mud at her from across the room. Looking at him now, she wondered how many of those lines and wrinkles had been caused by her over the years. He seemed to age before her eyes, and she considered what another woman might have seen when looking at him. Maybe she would have loved him more. He could have been someone’s first choice. Did he know now, that he wasn’t hers?

‘Are you going to answer me? I’m not one of your lackies, Kate!’

Kate’s head whipped round, her levels of fury rising. He had a chip on his shoulder about her job, and it was raising its ugly green head more and more these days.

‘Don’t talk to me like that Neil! Of course I don’t want to leave Jamie, but Trevor asked me to help. It’s a short term placement, the learning opportunities would be amazing, and I can really help people over there!’

Neil snorted. ‘Oh yes, you get to swoop in with your superhero cape, save some soldiers, whilst I stay home, play nanny and then hear nothing but how great you are from everyone we know. Your mother thinks I’m a joke!’

Kate shook her head, shooting daggers at him from across the room. My mother says no such thing, that’s all in your own head for god’s sake, and you’ll hardly be a nanny. Jamie’s at school full-time, and he’s no bother. Besides, you are his father! And please keep your voice down, that son you care so much about is upstairs asleep. ‘

Neil grabbed his keys from the sideboard and stormed across the kitchen.

‘Where are you going now? I made dinner!’ Kate said to his retreating form.

‘Well, plate it up, supergirl!’ he said sarcastically, and the front door slammed shut. Kate turned off the heat, and picking up the pan, tipped the contents straight into the kitchen bin. She filled the pan with water and left it in the sink. Heading to the fridge, she picked out the bottle of chardonnay she had left in there and poured herself a stiff glass. It tasted tart on her tongue, and followed up with a gentle lick at her tensed up muscles.

‘Mum?’ Whirling around, Kate saw her son Jamie stood there, hair all messy tufts, clad in his favourite onesie. Putting the glass down, she walked over to her child.

‘You should be in bed sweetheart,’ she chided.

‘Was that dad slamming the door? What’s wrong?’ he asked, his brow furrowed.

‘He didn’t mean to, darling. Nothing’s wrong, he just forgot something at work.’

Jamie nodded, his wide eyes looking at her in question. Kate gave him a squeeze.

‘Come on, don’t worry. Everything’s fine, let’s get you a glass of milk and back to bed.’

Once Jamie was sleeping again, Kate tidied away the rest of the dinner things and poured herself another glass of wine. It was after eleven, and Neil still hadn’t come home or phoned. His sulks could take a while, and he had even taken to sleeping at the office some nights, or on a pub mate’s couch. Picking up her mobile phone, she dialled his number. It rang and rang; she was about to hang up when he answered.

‘What?’ He said flatly. ‘If it’s not about Jamie, I’m not in the mood to talk.’

‘What happened to us, Neil?’ She asked, her voice small, sounding needy in her own ears. ‘We used to get on so well.’

A sigh came down the line. ‘Get on? That’s the problem, Kate. You always make us sound like friends. You don’t need me, do you?’

‘Of course I do,’ she replied, frowning at his question. ‘We both need you.’

‘No, that’s not what I mean. We have a life together, but you’ve never really needed me, have you? Wanted me even? Tell me, if something bad happened, who would you ring first?’

‘You,’ she said. ‘You’re my husband, of course it would be you.’

‘Really? Because I think if you’re honest with yourself, I would be somewhere on the list, but not the top. If I dropped out of your life, you wouldn’t suffer, would you?’

‘Are you leaving me, is that what you’re saying?’

‘No!’ The voice barked back, angry. ‘You’re still not listening Kate! You never hear me! I’m not leaving. You are though, you’re constantly leaving. You dip in and out of my life like a side show. We’re married Kate, that means something to me.’

‘I come home every night Neil, if I’m not working. You knew the job I did when we met. It’s demanding, but I’m still your wife.’

Neil sighed, a slow desperate sounding sigh.

‘No one’s perfect Kate, god knows I’m not. I regret a lot of things. If you want to go on the trip, go. I can’t stop you, I won’t. I just want you to remember this conversation. Think about it when you’re gone. I need you to get this Kate. You can’t keep living like this. We can’t. I’ll be home in the morning to take Jamie to school.’

‘Neil, don’t go, we need to sort this out!’ She begged, suddenly afraid of his detached demeanour. ‘You sound like you’re giving up.’

‘I’m not Kate, I’m not at all. You want to go, fine. I’ll look after things here, but just don’t forget that we need to work on us, too. Sooner rather than later. Things change Kate. Some things can’t be undone, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Kate was about to ask what couldn’t be changed when the line went dead. Did he mean them, their marriage couldn’t be saved? What should she do now? If she left, would he be here when she got back? Would she want him to be?

She looked around their home, at the schedules and pictures on the fridge. The photos on the walls, the lines drawn on the door frame that marked the journey of Jamie’s growth. She knew one thing, whatever was going on with her and Neil, she had to be true to herself. Jamie was her priority, but she had to like herself as a person too. She knew what that meant. She knew that this choice was important, but she was used to making split second decisions and living with the consequences. Once she chose, she saw it through. Just like her marriage. Fight or flight. She didn’t run, she faced things head on. What Neil did with her decision was up to him.

She took a large calming sip of the wine and scrolled through her contacts before hitting dial. A familiar voice picked up the other line.

‘Kate! Hey stranger, given it some thought?’ Trevor said into her ear.

Kate smiled at her mentor’s upbeat and hopeful voice. ‘Yep, and I’m all in.’


CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_b56bfab4-7aef-51a5-9c2b-eb05af4295c9)

Cooper

My throat felt like dry fire. I attempted a cough, but nothing came out, and I felt my heart race. I tried to lift up my head, but it felt as though it was stuck to the pillow. Raising my hand to touch my face, I felt a tug of pain. Looking at the back of my hand, I saw a butterfly drip stuck into it. Trying to focus my eyes, which felt like they had been taken out and dipped in sand, I saw a dim light in the corner of the room. I felt a warm presence on my other hand, and looked to see what was laid across it. My whole body felt fuzzy, with a dim undertone of throbbing pain. My hand, still resting on the bed, looked unnatural, and I realised that the extra fingers didn’t belong to me. I squeezed gently, which was an achievement in itself. The fingers wrapped around mine squeezed back. My gritty eyes followed the fingers up the arm, and I realised a woman was asleep in the chair next to me. Even in sleep, she looked exhausted, pale blue scrubs encasing her lithe body. The hand holding mine had a wedding ring on it I noticed, and I felt a little pang of unexplained disappointment. Pushing the thought away, I tried to make my eyes focus on her again. She was pretty, little snuffles coming from her as she slept deeply. She had squeezed my hand back in reflex, unconsciously in sleep. I wanted to move my hand away, embarrassed by the contact, but I didn’t move.

Looking around, I saw everyone was asleep, except for a couple of nurses milling around the area. It was then that I noticed what was missing: the noise. There was no gunfire, no explosions. All I could hear were the sounds of nature outside the tent. I think that this was more unnerving than being woken by the sounds of war, and I kept my ears open for any sound of impending danger. I felt so groggy, and my legs were numb. Trying to lift my head again, I pushed through the pain to look down at my body. Lifting the covers laid over me, I saw that I was naked. They must have cut my clothes off. I glanced across at the doctor in the chair. Had she seen me naked? I almost laughed out loud. The first time a woman had seen my dick in years, and I was unconscious and bleeding at the time. Very sexy. Go figure.

Pushing down the covers again, being careful not to move my hand from hers, I looked down at my legs. I half-expected to see two stumps, but there they were, although one of them looked like it was in a real mess, the whole thing encased in bandages. The shape was off, like someone had shaved off some ribbons of flesh. I still had two legs, that was a good start. My torso was bandaged too, with a tube coming out of one side. Probably a drain, I realised. I had seen enough injured buddies to realise that a bomb blast ripped through your body like a hurricane, tearing organs, snapping bones, taking the very soul from a man. I was still here, so I would take it from there.

‘Morning, Captain,’ a soft voice said, thick with sleep. I lowered the covers quickly, aware that I had probably just been flashing the crown jewels.

I looked across at her. She was stretching in the chair, hand still on mine, rubbing the sleep from her pretty almond eyes. ‘I didn’t see a thing, don’t worry. How are you feeling?’

I cut her off before she could go into full bedside manner mode. ‘My unit?’

Her face fell. ‘The man you were carrying, he didn’t make it. I’m s—’

I raised my drip hand at her. ‘I know, what about the others?’

She smiled a little then, relieved to have been asked another question. ‘They are all out, safe and sound.’

I nodded, a wave of relief coursing over me. Then I remembered something.

‘There was a boy, on the roof.’ My voice pushed out the words in a croak. She pressed her lips together, and I saw a flash of distress cross her features.

‘I’m sorry, they sent in a unit to check, but no one on the roof survived.’ I thought of Hightower, and what that must be doing to him. To kill a child in the line of duty could never and would never feel right. I hated that we were ever put in that position.

‘Hightower okay?’ Kate looked confused, and I shook my head in frustration. ‘Never mind, forget it. When can I get back to duty?’

Her face fell, and she looked down at our hands. I pulled mine away then, and she let it go without a fight.

‘Dr Trevor Tanner is going to come and talk to you soon, on his rounds.’

I grunted in annoyance. ‘I’m not some idiot, missy. I just want to know when.’

She raised her chin at me then, her face hardening a little. ‘First of all, I’m not “missy”, I’m Dr Kate Harper. I am an orthopaedic surgeon attached to your unit and several others, and as I said Dr Tanner, my superior, is going to come and speak to you on rounds …’ She checked her watch. ‘… Which started half an hour ago. I need to go, I’ll come and check on you soon.’

She stood up and strode off haughtily. I laughed at her swagger. This one was a real ball buster, I could tell.

‘Okay, Missy,’ I shouted after her, chuckling. ‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist.’

I sniggered again as she made a ‘humpf’ sound, her nose pointing at the air furiously as she sped up her stomp. My whole body screamed at me for laughing, but it was so worth it.

That was the day we came into each other’s lives.



***

Kate was in a real mood; Trevor could tell from the way she pounded across the tent to him. He was doing his rounds, and they had had a good night. A good night here was when they still had the same number alive as the day before. A great day was when there were no casualties at all, but Trevor was hard pushed to remember many days like that.

‘Who’s upset you? Neil whingeing about doing the dishwasher again, is he?’ Trevor asked, and immediately regretted cracking the joke when the icicles from Kate’s frosty glare jabbed him in the chest.

‘Captain Cooper thinks he is hilarious. I’m just waiting for him to call me ‘toots’ and slap me on the behind,’ Kate said, seething. Trevor checked the vitals on his sleeping patient, and satisfied, made notes on his chart.

‘So he’s awake? That’s amazing! How is he doing?’

‘Oh he’s doing just fine, for a male chauvinist pig.’

Kate,’ Trevor admonished, trying not to laugh at her furious expression. ‘How are his vitals?’

Kate pursed her lips, taking a breath to focus on the job. ‘He’s stable, the chest drain is working well. I’m still concerned about his leg though. He has limited blood flow to the area, and I’ m worried about sepsis.’

Trevor nodded sadly. ‘So he will probably lose the leg, if we try to keep him alive.’ He rubbed at his temples. ‘Not told him any of this, have you?’

Kate shook her head. ‘I told him you would explain on this morning’s ward round. I wanted to go through everything again, monitor him closely for as long as we safely can before we make a decision.’

Trevor looked at her, his face unreadable. ‘It may not be our decision, it’s up to him.’

Kate looked nonplussed. ‘The evac chopper is coming in two days. At present, he’s too unstable to move. We need to get him home then, leg or no leg. A decision between losing a limb and dying is not a great thing to have thrust at you, granted - but he wants to live, surely?’

Trevor placed the chart at the foot of the bed and started to walk towards the next patient, issuing medication instructions to the nurse as he walked.

‘Kate,’ he began in a tone he might have used to tell his child that Father Christmas wasn’t real. ‘I have worked on men like Captain Cooper since this whole nightmare started. These are army men to the core. Sometimes going home means no family, no buddies, no job, and a lifetime of relying on other people. They are proud, and sometimes, to them, the reality is worse than death. Don’t take anything for granted when it comes to patient wishes.’

‘A boy died yesterday, to save these men. Surely that’s reason enough to want to live?’

Kate ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly feeling tired all over again.

‘Cooper knows that. Better than most, probably. It’s still his decision, he has to live with it. Understood?’ Trevor spoke firmly now.

Kate opened her mouth to argue, but she thought better of it. She respected her mentor, always had, and she didn’t want to argue. Not when the fact that life was so short and precious was evident in every face, every feature she saw over here. ‘Understood.’

‘So what you’re saying doc, is that I’m screwed.’ Captain Cooper was sat up in bed now, the drain poking out from his side. The internal bleeding had been dealt with, his chest now free from shrapnel. All his organs were intact, and the tears in his body had been sewn up, the bleeding stopped.

Trevor pulled a chair across to sit near his bedside. ‘Your left leg is bad, Captain. You’re starting to show signs of infection, and we feel that a below knee amputation is needed. Your chest injuries will take substantial time to heal, and your right leg has been injured by shrapnel from the bomb too. Returning to your unit is out of the question, at least for now. You have a place on the chopper, but the next few hours will decide whether you are fit enough to make the journey back to the UK.’

Captain Cooper sat motionless in the bed, his mind obviously working overtime as he processed the information. Kate stood behind Trevor, watching Cooper with interest. She couldn’t imagine having to make a decision like this, but she knew what her answer would be.

‘And when do you need an answer?’ Cooper said flatly, not looking at Trevor, but directly at Kate. She blushed under his intent gaze, and felt pathetic that her body responded to the pull of attraction at such a time. Trevor pulled a marker pen out of his top pocket, and lifting the covers, made a mark on the area of skin just poking out from the top of the bandages.

‘We need to monitor you. This will tell us if the antibiotics are working – we need to watch out for any colour changes above this line on your leg. We have to make a decision tonight, and I would highly recommend that you have the surgery Captain, and be on that chopper when it leaves.’

Kate looked away from the Captain’s face, feeling his gaze on her again. She didn’t trust her own face not to betray her emotions. A deep voice broke the silence of the machines beeping in the room.

‘I withhold consent.’

Kate snapped her head towards the voice. Cooper looked determined, resigned to his decision and angry, as though he was daring them to challenge him. Her heart sank.

‘Captain, you do realise that—’

‘Yes, Missy. I realise what I am saying, and I withhold consent. You can’t take my leg.’

‘You have to live, you can live without a leg. With modern-day medical advances, you can still live a good life. It’s not over for you.’

‘I withhold consent. You can keep your medical advances.’

Kate opened her mouth to argue, moving closer to the bed, but Trevor stood up to stop her.

‘Captain, that is your decision, but let’s see what happens over the next few hours, okay? Think it over, we realise it’s a huge decision to make.’

The Captain snorted. ‘No shit, doc. I won’t change my mind.’

Trevor nodded, an almost imperceptive movement. ‘Kate, keep me updated.’ He left the area to tend to other patients.

‘Trevor,’ she called back to her boss, a little too sharply. Trevor never even turned around, just kept walking. Kate could tell he wasn’t happy with this, but was going along with it.

‘You heard the patient, Doctor,’ he said without turning around, all business. She knew he would be tormented inside, but now wasn’t the time for keeping opinions to himself.

‘Captain, you are making the wrong choice.’ Kate turned back to her patient nervously, aware that she shouldn’t be speaking this way to a patient. ‘You have to fight, you have to be strong. You need to fight and stay alive.’

The Captain looked at her again, and she felt a flush creep across her skin as his eyes ran over her body. For a nude man, he had the undressing people with your eyes thing nailed. She was the one who felt naked, exposed in front of him.

‘I know you don’t get it Missy, but this is my life. Without it, there’s not much to stay alive for.’

‘How can you say that?’ Kate said, stunned. ‘It’s a job, not your life. It’s what you do, not who you are. You have a chance to keep living, you should take it. Now.’

Cooper crossed his arms gently, his pale face wincing at the pain of his movements. He was looking sicker and sicker as time passed, and she knew he must feel it.

‘So you’re here for what, a paycheck? That bauble on your finger not float your boat enough? No kiddies to pop out at home, no dinner to make, slippers to fetch? The boy on that roof never even got to grow up. I know about life doc, and I choose not to live with one freakin’ leg.’

Kate’s hand made a fist, and she felt the engagement ring that Neil had given her dig into her palm. ‘How dare you! Being a wife isn’t a job, and you don’t know anything about my life! It’s just a leg, you can survive this! Otherwise, what’s the point?’

‘No!’ Cooper boomed. ‘There is no point! And you don’t know anything about my life either! You see a wedding band, eh Missy? Tell me, if you couldn’t be a doctor, what would you do? How would you spend your life?’

Kate’s mind flashed to an image of Jamie, at home with Neil, the man she had flown to a warzone to get some space from, and she closed her mouth, tensing her jaw.

‘My life is here, I have no plan B!’ Cooper said, slamming his hand into his chest as hard as he could. He coughed violently, gasping audibly at the pain it caused. She went to help instinctively, but he waved her away.

Kate stood there, her body erect, as the pair glared at each other. She thought of his wallet, bearing no pictures of home or family, and wondered if there would be anyone flying a banner for the Captain when he touched down on the tarmac. She pushed the thought away, taking a breath.

‘Maybe if you weren’t such a stubborn jackass, you would think about this some more. The clock is ticking, Captain. Your time’s not up yet.’

He relaxed a little then, offering her a cheeky half-smile as he rested back against his pillows.

‘Jackass eh? Well maybe if you took that stick out of your arse, we could have more cosy chats. I need to sleep now Missy, so do me a favour; leave me alone, okay? Go plump someone else’s pillows.’

Kate scowled at him, her whole body seething at the sound of his nickname for her.

‘With pleasure, Captain Jackass,’ she said, and she walked away, ignoring his lethargic chuckle at her retreating form.

Kate was sleeping in her cot when she was shaken awake by a frantic nurse. ‘Dr Harper, Cooper is crashing.’ Kate jumped from her bed, still fully dressed in her scrubs and raced to the tent with the nurse hot on her heels. ‘How long has he been down?’ she shouted over her shoulder.

‘Less than two minutes, I came straight here.’

‘Where’s Trevor?’ Kate screamed, racing across the dust for the entrance to the tent, ignoring the burn of the sand in her eyes from the dust her frantic feet were kicking up.

‘He’s in surgery, we had another IED casualty come in an hour ago.’

‘Shit,’ Kate said. Racing across to the Captain, she saw doctors and nurses running around. Whipping back the covers, she saw what she had feared and she sent up a curse to the almighty. His infection had taken hold with a vengeance, the discoloured skin now seeping well past Trevor’s pen line.

‘Okay, let’s run the code. Charge to 300.’ Kate grabbed the paddles, hands shaking. ‘Now guys, let’s go, his organs are failing!’

The machine bleeped its readiness. ‘Clear,’ she shouted, shocking the Captain’s chest. She checked the monitor again. ‘No output, charge to 350. Prep for amputation.’ She waited for the sound of the charge, but nothing came. The monitors continued their music, the beeping of a man circling the drain of death. ‘Move, people!’

Nurse Abby looked at Kate. ‘Kate, he refused amputation. He’s been down for three minutes, and unless we amputate, his body will continue to shut down. I think we need to call it.’

Kate stood, paddles in hand, trying to think. ‘Have you called Trevor?’

‘He’s in surgery, he can’t come.’

‘Did he sign the DNR?’ Kate asked frantically, trying to justify the decision she knew she wanted to take. ‘Did he put anything in writing?’

Abby shook her head. ‘No, but he told Trevor. We could wait for him, he’s being told right now.’

Kate looked at the man on the bed, and thought of the boy on the roof. If Cooper died, what would be the point in any of this? Would she want Jamie’s death to mean something, if her child had been on that rooftop? Life was made of split second decisions, and Kate had made enough to know that she would rather choose fast and live with the fallout. The thought of letting him die felt wrong. She just knew that the world still had plans for this soldier, even if he didn’t realise it yet. She would live with her decision,. If the Captain couldn’t deal with it, then that was his choice. He could die, just not today, and not on her watch.

‘Patients change their mind. Do you want to be responsible for a death that could have been prevented? Abby, please – charge!’ Kate looked at the nurse, feeling the sweat drip down her spine inside her scrubs. She was terrified, but she just couldn’t let him go out like this. Her mind was set. Abby looked at her and the others around them, and shaking her head, she clicked a button.

The beeping noise told Kate the unit was charged.

‘Clear!’ she shouted, shocking the Captain again. His body jerked and his eyes fluttered. She looked desperately at the monitor. Nothing. Nothing on the screen but a line, and a beep heralding the call of the end. Nothing, nothing, then a beat, beat, beat. The pixels on the screen danced across, levelling into a pattern. The prettiest pattern Dr Harper had ever seen.

‘We have him back,’ she said, putting the paddles away. ‘Gown me up,’ she ordered.

Abby looked at the other nurses, no one moving. Kate’s eyes whipped around her colleagues. ‘Did you hear me? Let’s get him under, and gown me up!’

Abby shook her head. ‘It’s against patient wishes. It’s one thing bringing him back once, but this … I can’t.’

Kate glared at her. ‘This man ran across a battle zone to save his colleagues. We can’t let him die like this. If you won’t help, then go!’ she screamed.

The staff all looked at each other, and seconds later, the bed was the centre of a whirlwind of medical professionals. ‘I need a bone saw and a ten blade, now.’

Abby nodded, running to the sterile equipment store and grappling for implements with shaky hands. Kate snipped away the bandages, another nurse prepping the surgical field, and a doctor worked on anaesthetising the Captain.

Moments later, someone passed the blade to her. She took a deep breath, looking at Cooper’s unconscious face, and made the first cut.

Please forgive me.


CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_08eecdb0-6e3e-54be-86d9-04fa8a66148c)

Cooper

I dreamt I was running across the dust, bullets whizzing past my ear as I raced for shelter, my gun tight to my side. The radio was buzzing in my jacket, shouting my name. ‘Cooper, Cooper, come in.’

Around me, the crumbling buildings fell apart, destroyed by shells and the anger of men. The ground was unsafe, potholes forming before my eyes, rocks shooting up like newly erected buildings. The radio voice kept insisting I move. Keep moving, don’t stop, or you’ll be no more.

I kept running, boots clicking on stones and rubble, sinking into puddles of blood, pieces of the buildings around me laying at my head like rose petals as I literally ran for my life. The noise in the radio changed. This one was female, strong, anguished.

‘Cooper, you have to fight. Cooper, you have to live. Wake up Cooper, wake up …’

I jumped as a pain shot through my lower body. My eyes snapped open, and I realised I was in the same tent, the same bed. It had been a nightmare. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead, I was drenched. The bed sheets felt wet, sticky to the touch. I flexed my fingers, testing out how my body was holding up. My right hand felt heavy, and I could feel warm, soft skin against mine. I smiled despite myself, and opening my eyes, saw Kate asleep in the chair, hand wrapped around mine. I pushed away the warm fuzzies I felt at waking up again with this woman holding my hand. She wasn’t so bloody cute when she was awake. My whole body felt sluggish, achy and my legs were killing me, a dull but insistent pain running through them. I squeezed her hand, running my fingers along her wedding bands. I wonder what sort of guy had this woman’s heart. Another doctor, probably, as driven and stubborn as her. I wondered whether it was the other doctor I met. I had sensed an awkward kind of closeness between them. She squeezed my hand back, and when I looked at her, her blue eyes were looking straight into mine.

‘Morning Missy,’ I said weakly, my voice coming out as a rasp. ‘Did I oversleep?’

She didn’t acknowledge my attempt at humour, and suddenly the blood froze in my veins.

‘This is it then, yeah?’ I asked. ‘How long have I got?’

She leaned forward, the dark circles under her eyes giving her a haunted look under the dimmed strip lighting in the tent. ‘Your organs started to shut down, and your heart stopped.’

I frowned. ‘So how am I talking to you?’

Kate looked away from me, and I tried to sit up. She placed her other hand on my chest, stilling me.

‘No, please, don’t try to move.’

I looked at her again, and I knew. I reached for the sheet, and pulled it back. She said nothing, standing and helping me to pull the cover down slowly. My right leg was still bandaged up, my toes poking out of the end, but my left leg looked different. My brain seemed to short out a second, and I wiggled my toes. Wiggled them again. My brain told me that I had just wiggled ten toes, but my eyes told me different. On my left leg, where my toes should have been, there was just the expanse of the bed. My leg was bandaged, and stopped just below where my knee should be. I became aware of a high-pitched gurgle, an unholy sound, and I looked from my legs to Kate and then around the room, searching for the source of the noise.

Kate touched my face, cupping my cheeks between her hands, and turned me to face her. ‘I am so sorry, Captain. I am so sorry. You need to stay calm, your stitches are still fresh.’

It was then that I realised that the noise was coming from me, but I still couldn’t stop it. It was like my soul was ripping itself in two, and I laid back against the covers as my head swam.

Looking down at my legs again, I closed my eyes tight.

‘Put the cover back,’ I begged. Kate wrapped me up again, checking the monitor, her face a mask of stricken pain.

‘Do you need more pain relief?’ she asked softly. I nodded, and she turned to the fluid bag my IV drip was connected to.

I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to catch sight of my broken body under the sheets.

Kate took a seat in the chair beside me, and I turned my head to look at her. Her face soothed me, and I didn’t have the strength to unpick at the whys and wherefores in that moment.

‘You were crashing, so I made a call. You didn’t make it, we had to revive you twice. I had no choice, you must know that.’

I felt as though she had slapped me. ‘You took my leg?’ I said gruffly.

I watched tears spring into her eyes, and she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek, and she wiped at it quickly, erasing the evidence.

‘Yes, I did.’

I nodded. The drugs started to kick in again, the pain in my body numbing. I didn’t try to fight the sleep that was coming, it felt like sweet oblivion was sweeping in to take me away, and I welcomed it. I whispered something, my voice giving out, and Kate leaned closer, her ear hovering over my mouth. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and I felt a twitch in my lower body. I would have laughed at the inappropriateness of it all, but I couldn’t muster the energy.

‘What did you say?’ she asked. She went to fill a cup with water and put the straw near my mouth. I took a sip and felt the coolness of the water drifting down my throat. I tried again to spit out the words that were screaming inside my brain like a pinball in an arcade machine.

‘You should have let me die,’ I breathed, and sleep took me under.


CHAPTER FIVE (#ulink_3c9b38e2-f529-50e9-9f91-f12d9081ac3b)

‘What the hell are you playing at, Kate?’ Trevor boomed as she entered his office. ‘The nursing staff tell me you did an unauthorised amputation on Cooper. Last I heard, he was crashing and we had instructions to let him go down. He told us we didn’t have permission to operate, but you did it anyway. Do you know how much trouble you are in?’ Trevor was pacing up and down behind his desk, Cooper’s file bouncing around in his hands as he gesticulated wildly with his arms. ‘Abby says he didn’t change his mind, but he didn’t sign the DNR either. The staff weren’t sure what to do, but you knew! We were both there when he told us his choice. Not only have you probably pissed off a decorated serviceman, but you have jeopardised your own career, and the work that we do here. Do you know what bad press can do for our operations? They could shut us down Kate, and then we can’t help our guys out here.’

Kate was unapologetic. She couldn’t regret her decision. She wouldn’t. He had to live, she couldn’t explain why this man meant so much to her, at this point in time and place. He irritated the hell out of her. He spoke to her like he was living in the fifties in a bad guys and dolls movie. He was stubborn, surly, moody. Yet she couldn’t bear to think of him just slipping away. She knew in her gut that he wasn’t done. Even if no one else could see it, and it cost her career, if she knew he made it, she knew she would never regret her decision. All or nothing.

Cooper hadn’t spoken again, he was still sleeping off the meds. She had stayed at his bedside all night, checking his vitals, and now she had a crick in her neck and a heavy weight deep in the pit of her stomach. She had watched him sleep fitfully, his temperature spiking as his body fought off the remnants of the infection. Around five that morning, he had turned the corner, his vitals stabilising. Taking his leg had saved his life, and Kate was so relieved she could cry. His words however, would haunt her for the rest of her days, and she wasn’t looking forward to facing him once he woke up. She wondered whether he would ever be thankful for what she did, given time and a new life. Hopefully she could help him get to that stage before he went home. Talk him around. Trevor must have read her thoughts, and the look he gave her told her that he was in full on professional mode.

‘You are off the case Kate, I advise you to keep a low profile. He didn’t put his wishes in writing, so when he wakes up, we will just have to see how it plays out. I will try to protect you if I can, but you need to realise just how serious this is, and how stupid you have been.’

Kate shook her head. ‘You told me to save him, I saved him. He can’t expect us to just let him die, I would rather live with one leg than die.’

Trevor stared at her, his anger evident in his expression. ‘Exactly. You would. That would be your choice, too. The fact is Kate, he is a grown man, an army man, he knew what he wanted and you listened and still chose to ignore him. It is exactly that – his life, not yours. What you would do in his shoes is irrelevant, and you know it.’ Trevor winced at his own choice of words, but said nothing. He looked tired, and Kate realised that had they not been such good friends, she would already be relieved of duty and on the next plane home.

She nodded at him, accepting his words and looking down at the floor. She turned to leave when her phone rang. Seeing her husband’s name flash up on her screen, she looked at Trevor. ‘It’s Neil.’

He waved her away. ‘I will speak to you later, but Kate, I’m disappointed. I taught you better than this.’

His words hit her like a bullet to the heart, and she flinched. She didn’t trust herself not to cry, so she kept her mouth shut, hitting the answer button on her phone.

‘What?’ She shouted down the phone. Neil’s voice sprang back just as angry. Great, now she had annoyed him. She had pushed her mood straight down his throat, when they were meant to be figuring things out. She walked towards her bed, wishing that the day was over already.


CHAPTER SIX (#ulink_202a07f9-298a-5d9c-a45b-cf5d08325fd0)

Abby came into the small office area off the ward, to see Kate surrounded by various charts and files.

‘He got you doing paperwork? I swear, he’s in such a rotten mood today.’ Kate smiled at her friend, standing up from her position sprawled out on the hard canvas covered floor and stretching out her aching limbs.

‘Yep, it’s my punishment, and I am afraid the bad mood is probably down to me too. I’m really sorry that I put you all in that position. It was my choice, you shouldn’t have to suffer.’

‘I get it Kate, you had the ability to save him, and you didn’t want to let him just slip away like that. I get it. Anyway, it’s done with now. He’s alive. Trevor is more pissed at you than us.’ Abby nodded to the countertop, clicking on the kettle. ‘Coffee?’

Kate looked at the desk next to her, where an assortment of dirty cups littered the surfaces. ‘Sure, one more can’t hurt. I won’t sleep anyway. You might need a mug though.’ She got to work, dumping all the crockery into the sink and washing them. She passed two mugs to Abby, who was busy munching away on a cereal bar like a starving squirrel. ‘How is he?’

Abby snorted. ‘I told you, he has a major bee in his bonnet. He’s making anyone who doesn’t look exhausted already clean everything in sight. I thought one of the soldiers was going to punch him earlier. He didn’t—’

‘No,’ Kate said, moving closer. ‘How is he?’

Abby’s eyes sparked with recognition. ‘Ooh, HIM!’ She stage whispered the rest. ‘He’s stable, but still out. He’s hopefully going to be weaned off the meds a bit tonight, we’ll see how he feels then. The operation worked though, signs of sepsis are gone.’

Kate felt her heart beat, as though it had taken a misstep. ‘Drain? Any signs of wound infection, tissue necrosis? Urine output?’

Abby took the barrage of questions in her stride. ‘Drain should be out tomorrow, no infection or necrosis. The site looks good Kate, you did a good job. Urine output is low, but he was a little dehydrated from the field anyway. We’re still pushing fluids.’

Kate ran through the knowledge in her head, looking for anything she missed. Abby tapped her on the arm.

‘Kate, you didn’t miss anything. He made it. He will make it. You did good. For what it’s worth.’

Kate didn’t hear the praise. She just thought about what it would take to get to see him before he left. She had to make him understand, even though she wasn’t entirely sure herself what her reasons were. She thought of her conversation with Neil earlier. Yet again he had called to moan about how much he had to do; the washing, Jamie, work. He was mad at her for leaving, though he never said it outright. It just hung in the air between them. He seemed different, more stressed, distracted. She had apologised, as she always did; she apologised for choosing to keep chasing her own career, quenching her own drives while the product of her womb was cared for by another. He was looked after by his own father, who helped make him, but this of course went unsaid, as usual. She often wondered what the world would look like if humans were like seahorses, and the men had to carry babies through to birth. Odds on, it would grind to a shuddering halt.

‘Has he been awake at all?’

Abby shook her head, making the coffees for them both. ‘Nope, thankfully. He needs the rest. Does his family know? I haven’t checked his file yet for contact details.’

Kate shook her head. ‘No, he has no one.’

Abby pursed her lips. ‘Jesus. Well, he had someone to fight for him. If it means anything, I think you were right. I’m sorry I got in your way. You have some balls, Kate Harper.’

Kate took a sip of her own drink, feeling the jolt of caffeine top up her already wired body.

‘Thanks,’ she said, heading back over to the piles of paper she still had to wade through. ‘I hope they both see it that way, eventually.’

Abby went to head out, but Kate’s voice stopped her.

‘Abs, if you get an opportunity, I’d like to see him … if you could turn a blind eye.’

Abby spoke without turning around. ‘Keep your phone on. I’ll text you when the coast is clear, but if he catches you, I wasn’t part of it and I absolutely oppose your decision. I need the reference.’ Kate saluted her.

‘Ten four. I get it, no warpath for Abby. Appreciate it, thanks.’

Abby gave her a fake cheesy grin. ‘Right, time to pretend I am very happy to be working with him today, and everything is sunshine and rainbows!’ She waggled her phone at Kate, before thrusting it back into her zip pocket. ‘Phone.’

Kate nodded and Abby left, leaving her alone with the piles and piles of charting and silent recriminations of her actions and words of the last few days.

***

Kate was back in her bunk, sleeping off the exhaustion and taut limbs that a day full of paperwork and reasoning with Neil in her head had brought on when her phone beeped. She jerked awake, reaching for the handset. Abby had messaged an emoji of a pair of eyes, with the words COAST CLEAR. Kate deleted the text quickly, and sprang from her bed. She shoved a clean pair of scrubs on, dressing quickly and quietly as others slept and relaxed around her. She turned her phone to silent, not wanting it to go off while she was in the medical tent. It was late, and the patients would be sleeping. She entered the tent, and thankfully there was only Abby there. Abby had her back to her, bent over her desk, but she waved her hand towards Cooper’s bed. Plausible deniability. The girl was smart. Kate took a breath and looked around. There were only three patients in the beds, the others having been patched up or medevac’d home. Kate walked over to the Captain’s bed, looking to see if he too was asleep. She neared the foot of the bed, and he turned his head to face her. He had been awake, seemingly staring at the wall. Kate felt a jolt as he looked straight into her eyes. He looked pale and exhausted, his jaw set like a block of stone. The green of his eyes weren’t diminished though, and she had a flashback to the day he came in. The look in them was very different today. There was nothing in them but hate, reflected straight back at her.

Kate stopped walking, looking across at the chair at the side of the bed.

‘Do you mind if I sit?’

He didn’t say anything at first, he just looked at her with those green eyes. He was acting like he was chewing his tongue. She wondered if he was suffering. She took a step closer to the chair.

‘I’m sorry, are you in pain?’ She went to reach for his chart. ‘I can ask Abby to give you some pain relief, I just need to check—’

‘Don’t touch my chart. I don’t want you anywhere near me.’ Kate’s hand stilled.

‘I understand you’re upset, but I just came to check on you.’

He chuckled under his breath. ‘Check you haven’t got a dead man on your hands you mean. You might still have, so I hope you kept my leg. I would like to be buried whole.’

‘Captain, I—’

‘—am not interested in anything you have to say, Doc. I will be suing you for not following my orders. I never asked you to save me. In fact, I pretty much insisted that you do the opposite.’

Kate noticed that Abby had stood up and was making her way over, a panicked look on her face.

‘Kate,’ she whispered. ‘Everything okay?’

Cooper growled. ‘Great, sure. She was just trying to save her rich bloke some money on lawsuits.’

Kate turned back to look at him, and she felt her guilt and worry turn to rage.

‘My rich bloke?’ Abby reached for her arm, but she shrugged her off. ‘I earn more than my husband ever has, and I’m not some pathetic woman that you can shout down with your big scary temper and your macho muscles.’

His lip twitched, but his face turned back to anger quickly. ‘You’re a doctor; you do what the patient says.’

‘Exactly, I’m a doctor, I took an oath to save lives. I could save you, so I did!’

‘I never asked you to!’ This was boomed out, and Cooper started coughing. His monitor beeped faster. Abby rushed to his bedside, helping him to sit up a little.

‘Kate, you need to go. Now.’ Kate looked at them both, Cooper still coughing and wincing in pain, and turned on her heel. She didn’t stop till she was back in her bunk, which was when the tears started to flow.

The next day, Kate was on desk duties again, but she and Trevor both knew that it couldn’t last. There were too many things to do, they were too busy to be able to afford a doctor not seeing to the patients. It was thankfully quiet, but the other doctors would be feeling the strain soon.

She decided that she would have one last talk with Captain Cooper, try to make him see that what she did was for the right reasons. She should be worried about her career, the lawsuit, but she knew it was more his state of mind that bothered her. She just wanted to make him see that his life was worth saving, and that he could still have a life. It wasn’t the end. She knew from her job that people coped, and adapted. He could too. Anyone who would be brave enough to walk into battle and be responsible for the people under his command must surely see the preciousness of life, and the necessity to survive. She was just standing up to go to the medical bay when her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and pulled a face, walking into the corridor. Trevor was coming her way, and her gut clenched. Everyone had a bone to pick with Kate today.

‘Neil, it’s not a good time. Is everything okay?’

She winced as she heard the sound of sirens and machinery in her ear, and her husband’s panicked voice stopped her in her tracks.

‘Kate, Kate, don’t hang up! It’s Jamie, th-there’s been an accident. It’s bad Kate, I am so sorry.’ Neil started to cry down the phone, a wet whimpering sound. She cupped the phone to her ear, her legs falling out from under her. Trevor, aware something was wrong, appeared at her side, lowering her to the tent floor.

‘Kate,’ he said in a tone of voice she had never heard from him before. ‘Kate, what’s wrong?’

She willed her mouth to open, to form words, but all that came out was a whispered ‘Jamie?’

Trevor took the phone from her, and she let him, her arm flopping to her lap.

‘Neil, it’s Trevor. What’s happened?’

Kate looked up at Trevor, trying to decipher the news from his face. Trevor went pale, and she whimpered. ‘Jamie, my poor Jamie, no, no, no …’

Trevor said something into the phone and ended the call. He knelt down, pushing the phone into her hands.

‘Kate, get up. Jamie is alive.’

Kate’s head snapped up to look at him then, and the fog that surrounded her body lifted, leaving the adrenaline free to course through her veins. She stood up, gripping her mobile for dear life. Trevor put his hands on her shoulders and forced her to look at him.

‘Kate, listen, they had been in a car accident. Jamie needs you, okay?’ Kate felt the words wash over her as Trevor ran his fingers down her shoulders. ‘The chopper to go home will be here in a few hours, you need to be on it. Go get your stuff. I’ll sort things here.’

Kate looked at Trevor, numb. ‘Kate,’ he tried again. ‘Get packed up, that’s an order.’

Kate snapped back into reality and ran to her bunk. Three hours later, though it felt more like three months, Kate was being strapped into her seat by a medic, who was shouting instructions at his colleagues. They loaded a soldier onto the chopper, sedated for the journey home. One was already loaded, next to where she was sat. Kate looked across to the man strapped to a gurney and noticed that it was Captain Cooper. Of course. This was the flight he was going to take if he was stable enough. She couldn’t help thinking that he could have been on the same flight in a box, had she not interfered, and she wondered if he would make that connection for himself. Whether it would make a difference to him. Get him to rethink whether he was glad to be alive or not. She looked across at him more closely. The thought of him being there both terrified her and comforted her.

His eyelids were fluttering in sleep, but his colour was better. Kate checked his stats on the monitor next to him. He was stable, and he was looking good. He wasn’t even sedated, but she supposed that this was more down to his stubborn attitude than his medical condition. The chopper started to get ready for take-off, and she looked out of the window at the place she had called home for the past couple of months. A few tents in the desert, and she would gladly stay another ten years than face what she was coming home to. They hadn’t been able to get Neil back on the phone, and Kate feared the worst. Her boy needed her, and she had left him to come here, to this warzone, where men killed each other daily, snuffing out life wherever they found it. What kind of mother does that, she asked herself for the millionth time. Jamie needed her, and she prayed to god that he was still alive. A god she hadn’t seen much evidence of lately. She prayed silently. Save my boy, please, save my boy. If you save him, I promise, I will put him first for as long as I live.

She hadn’t cried yet, but she knew it was coming. Her tear ducts weren’t functioning, not listening to the brain’s command to release some of the pent-up grief, worry, anger and chest-crushing fear that invaded every nerve ending of her body. All she felt was a constant stinging, a never-ending pain in her eyes, in her head. She wanted to gouge her eyes out, to stop the pain, but she concentrated on slowing her breathing instead. In, out. In, out. Her heart had not stopped racing and she was feeling light-headed. She had to get it together. A sob erupted from her and she tried to squash it down, but more came, till she was racked with them, loud throaty sobs that stung her bone-dry eyes to the quick, that made her heart stab with pain. The medics sat nearby looked at her with concern, but knew well enough to leave her be. Nothing could be done to make her feel better, and they had work to do, with the sleeping heroes surrounding them. The sobs kept coming, and Kate was panicking, her breath getting shallower with every gasp. She started fumbling with her seatbelt, desperate to get up, get away. The medic nearest to her started to shout at her, telling her to stay buckled, stay down. At take-off, anything could happen, she needed to stay the hell down. She ignored him, focusing only on the monster of panic that sat on her back, weighing her down, till she heard a strong voice close to her.

‘Sit down,’ it said. She looked across at the medic, and he was busy talking to the pilot, the headset buzzing with their concerned voices in her ear. She ripped off her headset and heard the voice again, louder this time. ‘Sit down and shut up, doc.’ She looked around her, desperate to find the source of the voice. Was she losing her mind?

Something brushed against her leg, pushing it down as she half-sat, half-stood, wrestling against her seatbelt restraints. She grabbed at the hand, and it closed around her fingers tight. Cooper was looking right at her, a mixture of pain and concern etched on his features. She was blacking out, her breath rushing in and out of her too fast to help her stricken body. He squeezed her hand, and pushed her back down into her seat. She gave up and sank down into the chair, gripping the hand tight. ‘Look at me,’ he demanded, his voice dry and husky. She looked at him then, his eyes immediately shooting through her body, pinning her in place. Those eyes, she thought to herself randomly. I saved those eyes, and now they hate me. They hate me, and my son is probably dead. Her vision started to dim a little, a tunnel of black appearing around the edges of her vision.

‘Look at me!’ the voice said again, and she locked onto those eyes again. Cooper gave a little smile, so quick she debated whether it had really been there.

‘Slow down. Concentrate on my voice, okay? Calm down. Breathe, just breathe. In,’ he said, doing it with her. ‘Out,’ he said, pushing out a slow breath, wincing at the pain he was feeling.

Kate concentrated on those eyes, and the ins and outs of her breathing, as it slowed down. The fear, like a boa constrictor around her throat, slithered looser, before slinking off to another poor mortal. She lined up her breathing with his, focusing on those pools of colour in his beautiful, pale, scratched face, and she felt a little snatch of peace. She went to move her hand away, a little embarrassed that the man who hated her was her saviour, but he gripped her tighter, not giving her an inch to wriggle away.

‘Just …’ he started, struggling with his next words. ‘Just stay, okay? I’m here. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m here.’

She looked at the man on the gurney in front of her. Broken, battered, bruised, angry. She thought him, in that instance of time, the most exquisite thing she had ever seen. The strongest man she had ever known, and the thought was her undoing. Silent tears ran down her cheeks as she brought her hand to meet the other, sandwiching Cooper’s strong warm one between them.

‘I’m so sorry, I am so sorry, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault,’ she said, rambling softly. She lowered her head and kissed the back of his hand, a hot tear dropping onto the skin, making the hairs stand on end. He said nothing, just ran his thumb over her fingers, holding hers fast, an anchor holding her into this moment in time. She lay back on the seat, exhausted now, and started to close her eyes. Every time she opened them it felt as though her corneas were being sliced with razor blades, so she kept them closed, focusing on the sound of the chopper blades and the feel of his steadying hand between hers. ‘I think my son is dead,’ she whispered. The hand squeezed tighter, and the tears kept flowing, silently running down onto her clothes, and their entwined hands.

Hours later, Captain Thomas Cooper woke to the sound of the medic readying his gurney for moving. The chopper was still, and Coop could hear trucks nearby, people milling around the hangar. He looked across, but the seat was empty. His hand, still wet from her tears, was placed at the side of his body on the bed and as he flexed it, he felt something in his palm. Lifting his hand, he saw a piece of paper, ripped out of a notepad, the clumsy way it was torn causing a jagged edge, softer than the harder, neater edges. He recognised the handwriting from the walls of the hospital, from the notes written on chalk boards and white boards around the tent he had been housed in. He unfolded it fully, ignoring the medics milling around him, the groans of his comrades as they were moved gently, one by one. The note read:

Thank you. I don’t deserve your kindness, but I will never forget it. Now you need to do something for yourself, you need to live. You need to fight, this is not the end for you. Please, for me, fight. Make this mean something.

Kate

Cooper refolded the note carefully, holding it tight. When the medic came back to move him, he looked at him enquiringly. ‘The doctor who was here, where did she go?’

The medic, a young lad who looked like he had not slept in months, looked at him wearily.

‘She went home, Captain. Family emergency.’

Cooper nodded. ‘Where’s home?’ he asked.

The medic shrugged. ‘No idea, man. You ready to go?’

Cooper sighed. ‘Sure, nothing else to do, have I? And it’s Captain to you.’

The medic blushed. ‘Sorry Captain. Roger that.’


CHAPTER SEVEN (#ulink_bfe6c7b6-2952-59ef-a821-efab21bdb29f)

Kate thanked the taxi driver and heaved herself out of the car, her duffle bag dragging along behind her. The night was still, and warm and she found herself grateful for the coverage of darkness. Everything was so familiar to her, yet so alien and different. She reached into the rockery, picking up the fake stone hide-a-key and let herself into her home. She had been surprised that Neil’s car wasn’t there when she first pulled up, but then she remembered. The accident. Their son had been cut out of their car. It was now lying in some police impound lot, or a scrap yard somewhere, waiting to be dealt with. She never wanted to see it again.

The hallway was in darkness, and she called for Neil. His keys weren’t on the hook, and there was no noise coming from the living room. He must have gone straight to bed. To get some rest. She would still have been at the hospital, but they had forced her to go home, get changed and sleep. Jamie would be in surgery for hours, and then recovery. She couldn’t do anything, and she knew her presence there was distracting the staff. She needed them to concentrate on saving her son. She looked into the lounge but it was empty. There was a plate on the coffee table, a piece of toast crust sitting on it. Remnants of jam sat on the plate, congealed. Jamie’s Lego beaker was placed next to it, no doubt once containing milk. She imagined Jamie sat there earlier in the day, eating his breakfast and watching cartoons. Probably leaving sticky jam fingers and toast crumbs on his clean navy uniform. A boy on his way to school, and now fighting for his life. She left the crockery where it was, she couldn’t bear to alter anything of her son’s just then.

‘Neil?’ she called. ‘Neil, I’m sorry. I was mad, I should never have sent you away. I was angry, and worried. He’s still in surgery, he’s stable.’ She sat on the bottom step, dropping her kit bag and unlacing her boots and dumping them on the hall floor. She pulled off her thick socks, her bare feet feeling odd against the plush carpeting as she took the stairs one by one.

‘I know you were hurt too, I’m really sorry I never thought of you. We can go back in a few hours, together. At least we have my car in the garage, we can get around still.’ She rounded the top of the stairs and pushed open their bedroom door.

‘Did you get a taxi home?’ she asked, looking at the bed. It was unmade, the pillows tousled, the sheets flipped back. It was empty. Kate blinked hard, as though expecting Neil to appear when she opened her eyes again. The wardrobe door was open, a coat hanger on the carpet in front of it. She crossed the room, energy suddenly bursting through her as she pulled open the doors to see what she already feared. His clothes were gone. She ran to her bedside table, dialling his number from the landline. It went straight to voicemail. He must have it, he rang me from the side of the road. Did he ring on his phone, or use someone else’s? Was his phone broken? Maybe it was lying on the floor of his mangled car? She couldn’t remember. She dialled the hospital, and got put straight through to the operating theatres’ office.

‘It’s Kate, sorry, Dr Harper. Is Neil back there now? With Jamie?’

‘No, we haven’t seen him. Jamie’s still in surgery. He’s doing okay.’ Kate thanked the voice at the other end, not knowing or caring who it was.

She sat down on the bed, and looked around. Neil’s laptop bag was gone, but she had no idea of knowing what had been in the car. What the hell was going on?

FOUR MONTHS LATER

Kate watched as her radio alarm clock sprang to life, signalling the start of her day. She turned it off, not wanting to hear the happy chatty tones of the radio presenter as they celebrated another day dawning, waking the world up with their dull small talk about the weather, the traffic, the latest fashion faux pas of the rich and famous. She stretched lazily, her body not willing to leave the relative comfort of her single bed. She looked around her room, taking in the depressingly stark surroundings that she now called home. Her comfy king-sized bed at her house knocked spots off this one, but she hadn’t spent a night there since the accident. She doubted that she ever would again. Going back for clothes was bad enough; the last time she had filled her car to the brim, carrying all she could, knowing that it would be a long while before she ever went there again. The ‘for sale’ sign outside mocked her when she pulled into the drive, like a banner, declaring her previous life a failure, the house just another casualty of that day. The day.

She went into the wardrobe, selecting a clean starched work uniform from the pile. She showered in the en suite, brushing her teeth, not bothering to even look in the mirror, let alone apply war paint to cover up her pale, drawn face. The bags under her eyes made her look haunted, a shadow of the person she once was. She brushed out her blonde hair, tying it tightly into a low ponytail, and putting on her shoes, she let the door lock behind her and headed for Trevor’s office.

When he had followed her home after his tour was over, a month after she’d come home herself, Trevor had hounded her, constantly contacting her any way he could, offering her a job and accommodation on-site in the rehabilitation centre he now ran. The tour had been his last, and he wanted to put down roots. He was being headhunted to run the state of the art centre, nestled in Yorkshire. The first of its kind in the area, it would house several dozen war veterans, specialising in rehabilitation and prosthetics. The centre would also have an impressive program for PTSD sufferers, meaning that the wounded service personnel they took in had a one stop shop at their fingertips, providing accommodation, a safe haven for their recovery and transition into life post service. Trevor was so excited about the project that eventually Kate couldn’t help but say yes. Her old job was no longer possible anyway, not now. And Trevor had made her an offer she couldn’t refuse – so here she was.

‘Morning Trevor,’ she said, sitting down in the chair opposite his large walnut desk. Trevor looked up from the pile of files he was poring over and winked at her, his grin dipping when he saw her.

‘No sleep again? You need to get some rest you know, why don’t you let me prescribe you something, to help you sleep?’

He didn’t push it further. Kate had started shaking her head the minute the words had reached her ears. ‘No, thanks though. I need to be alert, in case.’

Trevor nodded, his lips pursing with the effort of keeping his thoughts to himself.

‘We have a new intake today, and I want you to be his doctor.’ He passed the file over to her, and got up, walking to the kettle which stood on the small kitchen area he had in his office. Kate looked at the label on the folder and pushed the file away with one finger.

‘No Trevor, you can’t give him to me,’ she said, turning around in her chair to face him, crossing her arms across her chest huffily. He ignored her, pouring a large cup full of hot water. He stirred in coffee and sugar, repeating the action in another cup. He added milk to both and handed one cup to her without even asking if she wanted it. She took it gratefully, gulping at the steaming hot drink as best she could without burning her lips. He sat back down at his desk, taking a swig of his cup whilst pushing the file back over to her side of the desk.

‘I can, and I will,’ he said, forcefully, and she glared at him.

‘It won’t work,’ she said like a petulant teenager. ‘You know that, right?’

Trevor smiled and waggled his eyebrows at her. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him. She hated his bloody chirpy demeanour on a morning. She couldn’t raise half his optimism after a full night’s sleep and a vat of coffee, and she didn’t want to try.

‘Fine,’ she said tersely, reaching for the file.

He grinned at his triumph. Kate wanted to poke his eyes out.

‘How is the patient today?’ he asked, his tone softer. Kate stood up, tucking the file under her arm and gripping the coffee cup in the other. ‘Just the same.’

Trevor sat forward on his desk, resting his elbows on the table. ‘You know what I’m going to say, Kate. You need to call him.’

‘No!’ Kate exploded, splashing coffee down her arm. She felt the hot liquid burn her skin, and felt an odd sense of relief at the pain. I am alive then, she thought to herself. Lovely.

Trevor ignored her outburst, accustomed to her every mood after so much time working so closely together. He pushed a box of tissues across the desk, and she put the cup down, drying herself off. A splodge of brown coffee was spreading across the label on the file, and she dabbed at it ineffectually, only to see the stain spread across the name typed across the white surface. His name was tainted now, different, and there was no one to blame but herself.

‘Is that all?’ she asked, wishing the conversation away in her head. Trevor nodded, his face implying that he wanted to say more, but thankfully he kept silent and Kate left the room. Rounding the corner, she gripped the file tight to her chest, leaning against the wall for support. She could feel the blood pulsing in her ears, and her head swam. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths. Pull it together Kate, stop it. Get through the day, just get through the day. She repeated her new mantra aloud, over and over, till the pulsing subsided and she trusted herself to move. She heard a noise and opened her eyes, looking down the corridor, hoping that no one saw the mad woman talking to herself and hugging the wall. No such luck. A nurse was walking down the corridor trundling a suitcase along with her, a man in a wheelchair just behind. He wasn’t moving though, and her breath caught in her throat when she looked closer. The man had stopped his chair in the corridor, and was looking straight at her, a mixture of disdain and disbelief in his features. Kate didn’t linger on his tight lips or his furrowed brow though; she had been taken hostage by his eyes. His big, green eyes, that were staring right back at her. One look into them, and she knew he had just witnessed her meltdown. She was grateful when the nurse addressed her. Nodding hello, she looked back at him, and he was still staring back at her. Looking away quickly, she turned on her heel and strode off down the corridor to her office.

Cooper

So, it was true. Someone up there really was having a laugh. I was dreading coming to this hippy hellhole as it was, but now I had the woman who sawed my leg off to look at every day. Just what every washed-up cripple needs. I wheeled myself after the nurse, who was waddling down the corridor at a leisurely pace to my new room. Opening the double doors on the corridor, she pointed at a button on the wall. ‘All the doors are opened by button entry, so no problem moving around the facility, and there is a call button in your room.’

I nodded once, glaring at the button as we passed through. Pressing a button like a child, whenever I needed help or simply wanted to open a door. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic. The nurse, a sour looking rotund woman with ‘Yvonne’ sewn onto the lapel of her uniform glanced back at me, stopping outside a room labelled ‘room 15’. She pressed the button and walked through to the room, eyeing for me to follow. Once inside, she walked over to the curtains, opening them and cracking a window. Dust motes danced in the sunshine that fell onto the tiled floor and I squinted at the sudden change in light. ‘You should have left them closed,’ I growled, my short temper evident in my voice.





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