Книга - Family Of Convenience

Family Of Convenience
Victoria W. Austin


Mail-Order MotherRecently widowed and pregnant, Millie Steele needs a husband to help provide for her unborn child, and becoming a mail-order bride is her only option. Thankfully, her new husband, Kansas farmer Adam Beale, only wants a mother for his two young children—not romance. Everything is going according to plan…until Millie begins to fall for Adam.Adam had reservations about wedding another city dweller—his late wife never took to life on the prairie. But now he can’t imagine his family being complete without Millie and her unborn baby. Though they agreed to a strictly platonic partnership, can real love be blooming in Adam and Millie’s marriage of convenience?







Mail-Order Mother

Recently widowed and pregnant, Millie Steele needs a husband to help provide for her unborn child, and becoming a mail-order bride is her only option. Thankfully, her new husband, Kansas farmer Adam Beale, only wants a mother for his two young children—not romance. Everything is going according to plan...until Millie begins to fall for Adam.

Adam had reservations about wedding another city dweller—his late wife never took to life on the prairie. But now he can’t imagine his family being complete without Millie and her unborn baby. Though they agreed to a strictly platonic partnership, can real love be blooming in Adam and Millie’s marriage of convenience?


“Are you happy, Millie?”

She stopped rocking but didn’t reply.

“Uh, Millie?” Adam sounded foolish, but what else was he supposed to say?

She blushed, and he tried not to notice how pretty it looked on her cheeks.

“Am I happy? I don’t understand.”

The bewildered tone made Adam’s heart ache. She sounded absolutely stunned that her husband would care about her happiness.

Adam leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs. He wanted to move closer to her, but made himself stay in the rocking chair. They had been living as strangers for a month. Nicely, too. But he wanted more than that. Not love. No, Adam had learned that lesson well. But friendship. Companionship. A sense of shared purpose surely wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? That was the goal, and Adam was ready to do the work.

“Millie, it’s been a month. I just want to know how you feel about things here. Are you happy with the house? The children? Your day-to-day life?” With me? He didn’t say the last part, but Adam’s heart whispered it.


VICTORIA W. AUSTIN lives in the American Midwest with her husband, children and dogs. Her kids write notes in the furniture dust and the family watches television with the closed captioning on because the house is, um, loud. She likes chocolate, peace and quiet, chocolate and silence. She gets too much of one and too little of the other. This explains the tight pants and the many, many, many gray hairs.


Family of Convenience

Victoria W. Austin






www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)


For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

—2 Timothy 1:7


To my family—

I have everything because I have you


Acknowledgments (#ua2b77264-82b2-5ec8-874a-26388e81d936)

I have almost too many people to thank, which is a blessing in and of itself. Thank you to my family for supporting me no matter what. Thank you to Harlequin and the Manuscript Matchmaker contest for this opportunity. Thank you to Elizabeth Mazer, my incredible editor, for all the help and guidance. Thank you to my critique partners and fellow romance-writer friends for the advice and encouragement.


Contents

Cover (#u1ec95597-d413-595c-bd51-5bdfd53a59f2)

Back Cover Text (#u7b479aff-cdac-5b9c-8955-44348e48ba08)

Introduction (#u9ca77e5f-d7e8-526f-904e-aade6c6f37a3)

About the Author (#u67a05cb0-50a0-5831-bc4a-4f25329d4e5c)

Title Page (#ud1e669c4-23bf-5a36-a9fb-777e21de3651)

Bible Verse (#uc986db39-6d79-5d94-8d70-42c24b770c09)

Dedication (#uad6d9690-b8bc-518c-8e6b-9e6fa6e6c134)

Acknowledgments (#u0a59a974-5b2d-546a-9595-71b5c6c28226)

Chapter One (#u61d3ffb2-89c4-51dd-8b41-d6b648165273)

Chapter Two (#u27e1cd0a-20ae-5139-a7d5-ff6be497378d)

Chapter Three (#ue25a07f7-561b-5cab-8a04-b0d8cd840464)

Chapter Four (#uae0b8cfb-c2f6-5010-8e8a-fd77efd81209)

Chapter Five (#u9be1403e-cc8f-51cc-813e-402574ac0bb1)

Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)

Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)

Dear Reader (#litres_trial_promo)

Extract (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)


Chapter One (#ulink_df40f5f7-49f4-5c2c-8ee3-e0c63a2ccf11)

Kansas

1889

To Do:

Get married

Meet my new children

Figure out how to run a ranch

Find a way to make money on the side

Find a safe place to hide money

Start saving an emergency fund without drawing attention

Find the ranch financial books and look at them

Marrison, Kansas, didn’t have a hotel. Just the boardinghouse she’d checked into the day before. Her room had a bed with a clean, worn quilt. A simple chest of drawers. A rocking chair.

But, no mirror.

That was okay. Millie Steele wasn’t sure she could go through with this if she had to look at herself in a mirror. This way was better.

She smoothed her hand over her long brown hair and the front of her dress for the tenth time. Maybe eleventh. When would Mrs. Sinclair knock on the door and say it was time? Had the woman forgotten about her? Could you forget about the bride?

Hysteria rose in Millie’s throat as she actually contemplated that question. She and Mr. Beale had exchanged exactly one letter. One. They had seen each other for the first and only time yesterday, for all of ten minutes. Just long enough to confirm the time he would come to marry her today.

Maybe he’d changed his mind. She was past the period when her short thin frame could hide the baby. Pastor Thompson said Mr. Beale knew, but maybe seeing the truth of it yesterday had been too much.

What was she going to do if he changed his mind?

A quick knock, and the door to the room opened. Mrs. Sinclair strode inside. “We’re all ready, dear.”

Millie sucked in a breath, ignoring the stars that had appeared in her vision. She licked her lips and nodded.

Mrs. Sinclair’s eyes were gentle as she surveyed Millie from head to toe. “You look lovely. Absolutely—”

Millie looked at her hand. It was shaking, but that wasn’t what had caught Mrs. Sinclair’s attention. No. It was the slim circle of gold on the ring finger of her left hand. She flushed at the sight of it. She couldn’t very well get married today while wearing another man’s ring.

Millie quickly yanked off the ring, ignoring the burn of metal scraping over her knuckle. It was the first time she had taken it off since Marcus had placed it there two years ago. How different that day had been compared to today. Millie had been certain that her future would be secure. Safe. Orderly.

What a fool she had been.

Mrs. Sinclair cleared her throat, and Millie realized she had been staring at the thin band. Millie couldn’t look at the kind woman as she walked over to her suitcase and placed the ring inside.

There. It was done. Looking at the past never got a person anywhere. The way forward was to actually move forward.

She had made her plans. It was time to see them through.

Millie cleared her throat. She forced her spine as straight as possible and took in a deep breath. Then she turned and looked at Mrs. Sinclair. “Okay. I’m ready.” She was an adult. She was in charge of her life. She had considered all the options and chosen this path. This was her choice.

Mrs. Sinclair still looked uncomfortable. And nervous. The entire town would probably be talking about Adam Beale’s crazy new bride for weeks. Once again, Millie would be the outsider who didn’t belong.

Mrs. Sinclair walked up and hugged Millie. She just reached out and pulled Millie into her body. Warm, soft arms wrapped around Millie, who could smell bread on the woman’s clothes. It was impossible to stay stiff and remote in such an embrace. Millie couldn’t remember her mother ever hugging her, but surely this was what it had felt like. Only a mother’s hug could be this comforting.

“It’s going to be okay, dear. Adam Beale is a good man. You’re going to be okay.”

The tears sprang up and welled in Millie’s eyes. They obeyed her rule against crying and did not fall down her cheeks, but they were there. Hot and stinging. She knew she wouldn’t be able to speak without them spilling over. All she could do was nod.

She hoped Mrs. Sinclair understood.

The older woman let go, and Millie pushed down the yearning for the hug to continue. No more stalling. Time to get on with her new life.

Millie followed Mrs. Sinclair down the hallway of the boardinghouse to the top of the stairs. She looked down and saw Mr. Beale there waiting.

Adam.

Her new husband’s name was Adam.

Embarrassed at keeping him waiting, Millie hurried down the stairs. “I’m sorry. I know I’m late. It’s not a habit, I promise.”

Millie despised the desperation she heard in her voice. She needed this man. She needed a husband and a home and safe place to have this baby. Need. But, she still hated feeling so dependent on anyone. I don’t understand this world, God. I don’t understand why things are this way.

Mr. Beale—Adam—didn’t look angry. But, they were in public. He wouldn’t be the first man to put on a kind facade outside of his house.

“It’s okay, Millie. We’re not late at all.”

He’d called her by her given name yesterday, too. It shouldn’t have surprised her. They were, after all, about to get married.

“Thank you, Mr. Beale. I’m ready now.”

“Adam, Millie. Call me Adam.”

Millie just nodded.

The church was close to the boardinghouse. Actually, from what Millie could see, everything in town was close to the boardinghouse. She certainly wasn’t in Saint Louis anymore.

Being small and simple did not inhibit the atmosphere inside the church. Millie looked at the worn wooden pews and the gleaming cross hanging on the wall behind the lectern. There was something indescribable here. Millie breathed in slow and deep, trying to literally take it in and keep it with her.

She did not understand God. She did not agree with how this world was set up. But, she believed. She knew of His love. His peace. And, she felt it here.

She and Adam, along with Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair, stood in front of the pastor. The wedding did not take long. They said their vows. Then, the pastor told Mr. Beale—Adam—that he could kiss his bride. Her.

It was quick and perfunctory, and Adam seemed as glad to have it over with as she was. Though marriages resulting from mail-order brides were not exactly uncommon, theirs probably was more unusual than most. For one thing, she was clearly carrying another man’s child. And for another, they had no intention of truly living as man and wife.

Adam had been almost shockingly clear on that point in his sole letter to her. He needed a mother for his young children. He needed help on his farm, especially with domestic tasks. He was looking for function and practicality, not romance.

Millie had ignored the twinge in her heart as she’d readily agreed with his vision for their future. This world was too unpredictable, too cruel, for dreams of sappy emotions and love. Millie and her child needed shelter. Food.

Adam was providing those things, and it would be enough.

Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair congratulated them and then returned to the boardinghouse, but not before Mrs. Sinclair invited Millie to “come and visit at any time.” Millie forced a smile and said she would.

She wouldn’t actually do so, though. The notebook in her case contained a very long list of things Millie needed to do, and making friends wasn’t anywhere on it.

“Are you ready to go?” Adam touched her arm as he spoke, and Millie flinched. The unexpected contact was made even more startling by the fact that Millie had been so far gone inside her head that she hadn’t noticed his approach. That needed to stop. Things would not get done unless she did them, and that left no room for daydreaming and wandering thoughts.

“Yes. My case is all packed. I just need to get it from the boardinghouse.”

“Sounds good.” Adam placed a hand at the small of her back and almost led her across the street. What was he thinking? For a man who had written in black and white that he was not looking for a romantic relationship with a wife, he sure was touching her an awful lot. Maybe he was concerned with appearances. Didn’t want the town to know about the true nature of their relationship.

He followed her up the stairs and down the hallway to the door of the room she had been staying in. Millie had packed before the wedding and had already checked the room for stray belongings. That didn’t stop her from checking again, quickly this time since Adam was waiting. But, everything was inside her suitcase.

Including that ring.

Millie watched with almost disbelief as Adam came inside the room and picked up the suitcase. She was more than capable of carrying it herself—and had done so as needed during the trip from Saint Louis. But if he wanted to carry it, she wouldn’t complain. He gestured for her to walk ahead of him and then followed her as they retraced their prior steps and headed out the front door of the boardinghouse.

Her new husband was carrying the case that contained the ring given to her by her old husband. The naive girl who had become a bride who had become a widow had become a bride again. And would soon be a mother.

This was going to work out. Millie had a plan. She had a list of steps to accomplish that plan. She could do this. She would do this and it would all work out.

It just had to.

* * *

Adam hated this. It was a glorious day. The sky was blue and the grass was green and it should have filled his soul with peace and awe at what the Creator had made for them. Instead, he felt like a bug trapped in a canning jar.

Adam focused on the breeze on his face. The heat of sun coming through his clothes. The feel of the reins in his hand and the sound of Gray’s and Ellie’s hooves as they pulled the wagon toward home.

He reminded himself that he wasn’t a bug trapped in a glass. He was a man in control of his life. Adam had not come to the decision to seek a mail-order bride lightly. And, he’d made a good choice. This awkward phase would pass and things would settle just as he’d pictured. Eugene and Catherine would have a mother. A home full of the comforts that had been missing since Sarah had died two years ago.

And Adam would be helping Millie, too. That was what he had liked the most about her. When he had mentioned the idea of a mail-order bride, word had spread through town. He wasn’t the first man to find a wife that way, but people seemed to enjoy talking about it nonetheless.

Based on some of the other local men’s experiences, Adam had anticipated months of corresponding with different women, trying to decide from words on paper whether the woman would be the help his children needed or a mistake. Another mistake.

Then, Mr. Carter had come all the way out to the farm to talk to Adam. Mr. Carter’s sister was married to a pastor outside of Saint Louis. She had just written about a young woman who needed a husband. This woman—Millie—was recently widowed and pregnant. Her husband had been deep in debt at the time of his death, and Millie had found herself completely destitute. Alone. Homeless. Though she was staying with friends from church, Millie was looking for a husband. Somewhere to go.

And Adam had an empty room and the need for a wife.

Of course Adam’s heart had hurt for the woman who had been through so much already. His heart also hurt for his children who were similarly suffering through no fault of their own. They could help each other and maybe ease some of the pain all around.

Please, God, let that be true. I need my children to be happy. Well cared for. I want them to grow up in the kind of home I had.

“How far is it? To your home, I mean.”

Adam couldn’t tell from her tone of voice whether she was genuinely curious or just trying to fill the silence between him. Either one was fine. They needed to work from where they were and go up. Build something.

“It’s your home now, too, you know. And it’s not too far, about forty-five minutes from town.”

“Forty-five minutes is not too far?”

Adam turned to look at her. “I always thought forty-five minutes was close to town, at least for this part of the country. How close to Saint Louis was your farm?”

“My farm? The farm I was staying at after my husband died?”

Millie’s voice was slow and hesitant, and Adam felt his stomach harden with dread.

“I was asking about the farm you and your husband had before he died.”

Millie’s eyes widened in something that looked an awful lot like panic. She sat very still, her body not moving despite the jostling of the buggy. “I didn’t live on a farm before my husband died.”

Adam felt his own body freeze. “Where did you live?”

“In the city. In Saint Louis. My husband owned a store there, and I helped him.”

“How about before that? You were raised on a farm, right?” Yes. The answer had to be yes. One of the things that had made Sarah try to leave was the isolation of life on the farm. Adam had tried marrying a city woman unfamiliar with farm life, and it had been a disaster. Surely he hadn’t made the same mistake with his second marriage. But he hadn’t actually asked, had he? He’d just seen the ranch address of the home where she was staying and he’d assumed.

Millie’s eyes stayed wide this time, large and frightened in her pale face. “I was born in the city. In Saint Louis. I lived there every day of my life until the debt collectors took the house after my husband died. I only lived at the Keller ranch for the last month.”

Adam clenched his jaw and forced himself to keep his eyes on the road ahead. The path that they were going to have to go down. They were married. This was their road to travel together. And suddenly every bump in it felt more like hitting a boulder. His fingers were white and numb around the reins, and he forced himself to relax his grip. The last thing they needed was for the horses to react to his anger.

He went through the events that had led to his second marriage to a second city woman. He had been a fool yet again. And he was trapped, yet again. But, just because Millie was not familiar with farm life did not mean she would hate it like Sarah had. He just needed to show Millie all the farm had to offer. He could still have a full partner in the day-to-day activities of farm life.

“Did you like where you were staying at before you came here?”

Millie’s smile was small but it was there. “I did. I mean, I didn’t really get out much. I spent a lot of the time alone in my room, thinking. But I liked what I did see. It was so different at first from what I was used to, but it was really nice. Almost soothing.”

Adam could work with that. “Then I think you’ll like our home, too.”

“I’m sure I will. I’ve been looking forward to the peace and quiet, to be honest.”

Millie sounded sincere. Almost eager to prove that statement correct. She was trying. Millie had come into this marriage with the same goals as Adam. A good future for their children. And Millie was obviously trying to hold up her end of the bargain. That was all Adam could hope for.

Surely this could work if they both tried. “There’s plenty of quiet. But, there’s also a whole lot of not quiet. Between the children and the animals, sometimes I think the country is noisier than the city.”

“You’ve lived in a city before?”

“Yes. But, not for too long. It never felt like home.”

That was an understatement. Adam had been miserable in the city. He had hated the way it felt. The way it smelled. The way it seemed to settle on his skin like a coating he could never completely wash off. Having gone through that feeling of not fitting and not belonging, having fled that, how had he not understood what Sarah was going through?

“So you came back here?”

Adam nodded. “I wanted to settle down. Have children. And I wanted my children to grow up in the country, with fresh air and room to be.”

“Children.” This time, Adam didn’t have a bit of trouble picking out the fear in Millie’s voice. “Will you tell me about them? Please? I remember everything you told me in the letter. What Mrs. Thompson told me. But, I’d like to hear more. I need to be as prepared as possible before meeting them in person.”

This was safe territory. His marriage to Sarah might have ended in disaster, but his children were nothing but joy. “They’re great kids. I know I told you that in the letter, and I’m definitely biased, but they are. Catherine, the five-year-old, has such a kind heart. She always wants to be helpful.”

Adam’s throat tightened, but he continued. He wanted Millie to give his children what they needed. “Caty just wants to be loved. She spends a lot of time doing things to please people so they will like her. Love her.”

Adam looked at Millie, to see if he could tell what she was thinking. She was staring at her hands, and her profile wasn’t giving him any hints. “Genie—Eugene—is three. He’s happy so long as he has two things to bang together. It doesn’t matter at all what they are. Two forks. Two blocks. Two of anything so long as he can crash them into one another and make noise.”

Millie’s hands moved from her lap to her mouth. She turned and looked at him. There was definitely a smile under there. Adam couldn’t stop his own grin. He wasn’t exaggerating his little boy’s love of crashing and making noise. Though it could become aggravating, it was mainly adorable.

“They sound wonderful.”

“They are. Don’t misunderstand me, they are children. They can be cross and demanding and ungrateful. And, don’t ever try to reason with them because I promise you you’ll lose your mind before they understand your point. Even if it is eminently logical.”

Millie laughed out loud at that. Hearing the sound made the embarrassment of admitting his parenting failure completely worth it.

“What did you try to reason with them about?”

“Oh, too many things to count. You’d think I would learn, but I just keep hoping that they’ll see my point. Eventually.”

“I think you might have a long wait. I’m not an expert when it comes to children, but I have a feeling that logic is one of the last things to develop.”

Adam told her more about the kids, enjoying both reliving the memories and sharing them with someone else. It was such a shame that the happiness Caty and Genie brought to the world was shared only with him. But, that would change now that Millie was here.

“Will you tell me about the routine?” Millie’s question was almost abrupt.

“Routine?”

“Yes. How does the day go where you live? I want to know what to expect. Make sure I do the right thing in the right order.”

Adam looked at Millie, trying yet again to read her face.

There was nothing he could decipher, though her face was lovely, as it had been from the moment he first saw her. Framed by dark brown hair with a slight wave. Brown eyes. Fair complexion with a trail of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her cheeks had been slightly pink since yesterday. Adam didn’t know if that was from nerves or excitement or if her cheeks usually had that tint. Regardless, she was a beautiful woman.

But not exactly readable. She might come in a pretty package, but it didn’t take a genius to see that a beautiful, collected facade was exactly what Millie Steele—now Beale—presented to the world. She sure kept everything else locked down tight.

Except when Adam moved his gaze from her face down to her hands, he saw that they were clenched tight. Her fingers were white around the edges from the pressure. That was not a casual question.

Lord, I feel like I’m trying to walk through mud here. I can’t find solid ground. I just want to cross this passage and get to the good land on the other side. Help me say the right things, be the right thing. Please.

“There’s not too much of right and wrong out on the farm. A lot of what gets done is determined by the weather and current status of crops and livestock.”

“Farm? I thought you lived on a ranch?”

“Well, it’s a bit of both. I grew up on a ranch, so I consider myself a born-and-raised rancher. And, we have quite a bit of livestock. Cattle and horses. But, it’s also a nice little farm. I have a variety of crops planted. Plus, we have chickens, hogs and a couple of dairy cattle.”

Adam knew he had failed as a husband the first time around. Sometimes, he questioned whether he was a good enough father to his children. But, he was proud of what he had accomplished with his land. It had taken years, but he finally felt like he was established. His cattle and horses had a growing reputation and provided enough income to live on. The amount of land planted in crops was also expanding.

“I barely know anything about living on a ranch. Or a farm.”

Millie’s mask was good, but her hands were still clenched. He had not managed to put her at ease at all. Adam fought the urge to touch her. Reassure her.

Then he stopped fighting. He was determined that this was going to be a good marriage. He might not want the intimate aspects of having a wife, but he did want a friendship. He wanted his children to be surrounded by love. Companionship. Adam transferred the reins to one hand and used the other to reach out and touch Millie’s arm. He tried to make his touch safe and comforting.

“I can teach you anything you need to know. I told you I lived in the city for a bit. I have a good understanding of what you’re used to. The farm won’t be that different. Day-to-day life inside a home is pretty much the same everywhere.”

Millie nodded her head and smiled. But, her hands were still clenched like she was clinging on to something for dear life.

Adam drew his hand back, unsure yet again whether he had helped at all. He sure didn’t feel like he had lessened her fears.


Chapter Two (#ulink_3d8f92ae-2820-55e0-8754-20622d63940e)

To Do:

Breathe

Get to know the children

Learn about farms—Livestock? Crops?

Is it better to live on a farm or a ranch?

Millie needed her notebook. Her pencil. And fifteen minutes alone to lose her composure without an audience. But, she was not going to get any of those things, so she concentrated on the scenery. It was, well, beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking in fact.

Funny, when she made her long list of pros and cons for marrying a total stranger, the place where he lived did not ever cross her mind. She was looking for security. Safety. To feel like she could breathe again. She’d have been willing to take up residence at the bottom of a coal mine as long as she could have those things. Millie would never, ever forget what it felt like when she realized that she was, indeed, pregnant and homeless. And without the skills to find a job. Dependent on the kindness of strangers in a world that had never been very full of kind strangers to Millie’s eye.

She tried to suppress a shiver, tightening her muscles viciously. She didn’t want Adam to see and ask if she was okay. And he would. She had already learned some things about her new husband.

Millie slowly relaxed her muscles, and refocused her eyes on the scene in front of her. Beautiful was still the primary word she could find to describe it. Yes, it was the same blue sky that had been above her in Saint Louis. But, the rest was revelation.

Gold-and-green grass, at least four feet tall, swayed in the wind. She was looking at a never-ending golden-green sea, in fact. There were waves. Honest-to-goodness waves. In grass. The ground was so straight here that the dark spots on the horizon could well be hundreds of miles away.

Her first impression off the train was that Marrison was small and remote and quaint. A little settling trying to be a town. And now she was going to live almost an hour away from even that small civilization. It didn’t seem possible, but the landscape just got more and more remote the farther they went.

Millie was used to being on her own. However, she wasn’t used to being in a place that felt so foreign. The Keller ranch had been right outside Saint Louis. Knowing she was near the city had made the location feel close. Familiar.

Not now, though. Millie was far from the rivers and bluffs and the buzz of the city that she’d known all her life. A whole new start in a whole new land. It was both one of the scariest and one of the most comforting things Millie had ever seen.

Her plan for how she would act in this new marriage had not accounted for all the details of her new reality. How could it, though? She’d never been to Kansas. Never lived on a farm.

But, she would figure it out. She always figured it out. Millie just needed to gather as much information as possible. She would ask questions. Pay attention to what everyone else was doing. Take notes. And then, she could make her plan.

Millie sat up straighter as Adam turned the wagon off the worn trail of dirt that she assumed counted as a main road out here. The new path they had turned onto barely looked like a path at all. Instead of a solid width of light brown dirt, the way was designated by yet more grass. The grass was just shorter than the golden-green ocean surrounding them.

There was also a parting of the waves, so to speak. The moving grass gave way to rectangles of what had to be crops. Millie didn’t know what was growing, but she saw the neat rows of dark earth and the green plants seemingly shooting up out of the ground. She also saw cattle and horses.

Millie couldn’t contain her excitement. Though the large animals frightened her, they also thrilled her. She had never seen such creatures up close before. Sure, there were horses in the city, not to mention plenty of them at the Keller ranch, but these horses looked bigger. Rougher. More fitting to the wild frontier she’d been told existed once a person traveled past Saint Louis. She could hear them. And, though it was strange and perhaps unpleasant, she could smell them—a stronger odor than she’d noted at the Kellers’ home, where she’d rarely been outside. Instead of being a picture through a frame, they were very much real.

“This is our land. We’re only about ten minutes from the house.”

Our land. He’d done that earlier today, too. Millie wondered at how Adam seemed to have no problem moving from being a widower to being completely married. He acted as though he was pleased to share everything he had worked for with her.

Or else, he was very good at pretending. Millie had known more than one man who could put on a grand show of being generous and kind in public while being secretly stingy or cruel behind closed doors.

You’re too cynical, Millie. There are good people in this world, who genuinely want to help others without any strings attached. You need to have a little faith.

Mrs. Thompson’s words echoed through Millie’s head. It wasn’t the first time they had made an appearance. It seemed as though they had done nothing but ricochet around since the pastor’s wife had said them.

“Well, what do you think?”

Millie realized that she could see buildings now. A small house. A barn. A couple of other structures whose function she couldn’t place. The house looked sturdy. There was a porch and couple of windows out front. Millie saw two rocking chairs, and the whole scene reminded her of a picture she had seen in a book about life on the prairie. Seeing essentially the same picture now, in living color, with sunshine and a breeze on her face, and the ambient noise of animals was nicer.

She had a place to live. Food. Her baby would not be born fatherless and on the streets. No. He or she would have a home and a family and would never know the experiences that plagued Millie’s own youth. That was what she had wanted. What she had planned for. And what she had accomplished. For uneducated street trash, Millie had done just fine for herself.

“Millie?”

Again, Adam touched her arm. Again, it struck her as shockingly gentle and overly familiar. Again, Millie found that she really liked it. A lot. That touch was dangerously appealing, making her head spin when she needed to be calm and rational.

“It looks nice. Really nice.”

“It’s bigger than it looks.”

Did he think she found his home to be too small?

“It looks like the perfect size. I don’t know what some of those buildings are.” Millie hated her ignorance. It seemed she had spent the entirety of her life in situations where she did not know what she needed to know. What she should have been taught as a child.

“That’s okay. I know it’s a change from the city.” Adam did not sound concerned that he had married a woman unfit to survive out here.

“I mean, I recognize the house. And the barn. But what are the others?”

“The long one behind the barn is the bunkhouse. It’s where the hired hands live. I only have a couple right now, but I built it big enough to house ten or so. I’ll need them someday.”

He sounded so confident. It soothed the edge of the fear Millie had been shoving down into her belly for the past few months. If he planned on hiring several hands, then he planned on paying them. And, if he planned on paying them, that meant he had money. And if he had money, then he had security.

“What about the others? The smaller ones?”

“One is a root cellar, for storing food. The other is a meat house.”

“I do know what those are, so don’t be too scared. I’ve been told I’m an excellent cook.” She had tried to play up her assets in her letter to him, but it never hurt to reiterate them. Besides, that part was the absolute truth.

“I’ll give you a tour once we say hello to the children.”

“Where are they?”

“Probably inside. Napping I’d guess, based on the time. Edith, a neighbor, is watching them for me. You’ll be a bit of a change, so we wanted to leave everything else as familiar as possible.”

“Are they going to be upset?” Millie had not really worried too much about that. They were so young, and she had every intention of being a good change. Millie might not know about men like Adam Beale, but she knew about children. She had never met a child that she couldn’t eventually win over. In fact, more than one matron in The Home had put her in charge of the younger kids because of her way with them.

“I told them where I was going, so they know that I am getting married and bringing home a wife. A mother.”

“A mother.” Millie’s voice was soft as reverence washed across her heart. She knew she would be a mother, but it had always felt like some future event. Even with the life growing in her womb, the reality of actually being a mother had always been in the category of someday.

Someday had come. She was a mother now. Right now.

Help me, Lord. Help.

She still felt silly talking in her head to God, but it was becoming increasingly instinctual. Millie’s faith was getting stronger every single day, no matter how much she tried to reason herself out of it. It had already saved her. Literally.

Millie had walked into a church a year ago out of some kind of curiosity she couldn’t contain. After making her list and determining it couldn’t do any harm to just see what the church looked like on the inside, she’d forced her legs to go up those steps and walk through the doorway. Mrs. Thompson had been inside. That action had put into motion a chain of events that had led to Millie being in Kansas about to face her new children for the first time. The Lord sure had a way of doing things.

“This is still what you want, isn’t it? It will be much harder to change your mind once you meet the children. I—”

“No, Adam. Don’t.” It was hard to speak past the panic that put spots in her vision. He thought she had changed her mind? He was going to take her back. But, back to what? She was so close to having a steady, stable home, and now it was all going to disappear. Like the mirages she had read about.

This time it was Millie who reached out and initiated touch. “I’m sorry, Adam. I don’t know what I said wrong, but I haven’t changed my mind. Please, don’t make me go back. Please.”

She was begging. Millie had gone from awe at the thought of being a mother to sheer, humiliating desperation in the span of a heartbeat. She had to fix this.

Adam immediately pulled on the reins and stopped the wagon. Was he getting ready to turn around and take her back?

* * *

How had this gone wrong so fast? He had been enjoying the day, enjoying watching Millie take in her new home. Then, he opened his mouth and ruined it all. Like always. Apparently, he hadn’t learned a single thing from his first wife leaving him.

Adam dropped the reins and turned to Millie. What would he have done with Sarah? He would have tried to hold her. Comfort her. Yeah. He needed to do the opposite of that. His instincts had proven to be disastrously wrong. He needed to change his course or he’d end up in the same place.

“Millie. Calm down.” Adam infused his voice with as much authority as he could manage. It seemed to work, because she stopped begging him to let her stay. She seemed to stop everything. The new Mrs. Beale seemed to have frozen. Her eyes were still wide with panic, but she was no longer gasping for breath. Instead, her breathing had become too shallow. Too still.

“Millie, breathe. Please. Just calm down. I have not changed my mind at all. Not even a little bit. I did not marry you on some whim. I knew what I was doing, and I’m standing by that decision.”

Statue Millie did not so much as blink. His instincts were wrong and apparently the opposite of his instincts were not much better. Maybe Adam was never meant to be in a successful relationship with a woman. Lots of men went through life single. It seemed as though Adam should have taken that path.

But, he hadn’t. And he had two incredible children as a result. Children he needed to provide for. Meant to be a family man or not, Adam had a family. He had a responsibility to those children to give them a real home—including a loving mother. And he would. If he could just figure out how.

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid thing to say. Of course you’re sure. I know you’re sure. If I thought you might change your mind, I never would have married you. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.”

She started breathing again. Finally. Finally, finally.

“Please. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m okay.” She didn’t sound okay, but she was moving and talking and that was more than statue Millie had been doing.

“It’s my fault, too. I overreacted. It was just a misunderstanding.”

Adam ran a hand down his face, feeling his body tremble slightly. This had spun out of control so fast. Too fast. Adam hated this feeling. He just wanted to move on.

“It doesn’t matter whose fault it was.”

Millie just looked at him with her dark brown eyes. Adam tried to give her as much time as possible, to be as patient as possible. Patience had never been his strong suit.

“Are we okay? Edith probably heard us coming. I’m sure she’s waiting for us.”

Millie breathed a small breath and looked at the house. Then she looked at him and nodded. “Yes. We’re okay. Let’s go meet the children.”

Adam picked the reins back up and flicked them. The horses were well trained and did not need any more encouragement to finish the trip. They were probably looking forward to the familiar barn just as much as Adam was yearning to be back home. Even though he’d only been gone since early this morning, Adam had missed this place terribly.

They came up to the area between the house and barn, and the front door opened. Adam saw Edith standing there, smiling. Her husband was a good friend of Adam’s, and they were good neighbors. She had been excited for Adam to go and fetch his new bride.

Edith was holding Genie in her arms. Caty was standing next to her, one little fist buried in Edith’s apron. Adam jumped down from the wagon and hurried to help Millie down. He should probably face the children with Millie by his side, present them as a united front, but he could not help himself. Adam bounded up the stairs and knelt down in front of his little girl.

“Hi there, Caty-girl. Did you miss me? I missed you a whole lot.”

Caty let go of Edith’s apron and stepped into Adam’s arms. Adam stood, relishing as always the slight weight of his sweet girl in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck. Adam let her hide for a moment.

He looked at Genie and smiled. “Hey there, bud. Did you miss me?”

Genie nodded, still looking a bit uncertain. Adam reached out with his free hand and brushed it affectionately over the top of his son’s head.

Adam turned and walked down the stairs, murmuring to Caty as he went. “Are you ready to meet Millie, Caty-girl? Remember I told you that I was going to come back with a woman. A new mother?”

Caty nodded slightly, but still did not lift her face from Adam’s neck. He came to a stop in front of Millie.

“Caty, sit up and say hi to Millie. She really wants to meet you.”

Caty lifted her head, but she still looked down at Adam’s chest instead of in Millie’s direction.

“Hi, Caty. I’m so happy to meet you. Your daddy told me all about you, and I am so excited to be here.” Millie’s tone was just right. Genuine and friendly without being too condescending.

Caty looked at Millie, and Millie smiled gently. The smile made dimples appear in her cheeks. How had Adam not noticed the dimples earlier? He found he really liked them.

Caty bit her lip, but her face lost some of its wariness. Her death grip on Adam lessened. His girlie was definitely curious about Millie, but not scared.

That was good. Adam turned to look at Edith.

“Do you and Genie want to come and meet Millie, Edith?”

Edith came down the stairs at once, a huge smile splitting her face. “I thought you’d never ask. Standing back quietly is not something I’m skilled at, Adam Beale, and I think I’ve exercised a lifetime’s amount of restraint in the last five minutes.”

That was Edith. Cheerful and exuberant. But, also a good friend. Willing to help anyone she encountered. He had been beyond blessed to have the Potters as neighbors.

Still holding Genie, Edith came up to Millie, leaned in and hugged her. Millie looked surprised, but she returned the brief embrace. Edith then turned and stood so that Genie was angled toward Millie.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Millie. We’ve been excited all day, waiting for your arrival. My husband and I are your closest neighbors here, and I can’t wait to get to know you. I just know we’ll be friends.”

Millie’s eyes were wide, and Adam almost laughed. She had no idea what was in store for her now that Edith Potter had decided they would be friends. Though Edith was probably a year or two younger than Millie, she had the kind of personality that charged in and took control of things. Edith’s husband, Mike, had said more than once that his wife was a tornado.

Adam set Caty on the ground, not surprised at all when he felt her move as close as possible to his legs. He stepped up and took Genie out of Edith’s arms. “Genie, this is Millie.”

Millie stepped closer to Adam and smiled at Genie. Given Genie’s place in Adam’s arms, the boy and Millie were almost eye level with one another. “Hi, Genie. Your daddy told me all about you, too. I’m very happy that I finally get to meet you.”

“Well, I’ve got my things all gathered together and loaded in the wagon. I think I’ll be on my way.” Edith was still grinning like a fool.

“I appreciate all your help, Edith. You don’t have to rush off right away, you know.”

“It wasn’t any trouble at all.” Edith looked over at Millie and smiled an encouraging smile. “Millie needs time to settle. Both into the house and with the children. Don’t get too excited about me being gone, though. I’ll come back in a few days. Just to see if I can help.”

Adam had no doubt that Edith would be back. Neighbors were scarce enough out here and opportunities for socializing were few. A woman near her own age for a neighbor? That had to feel like treasure to someone as outgoing as Edith.

“I’ll get your horses and hitch them.” Adam set Genie down by the women and walked into the barn, pausing in the cool shadows inside. He turned to watch the group.

Edith was talking to Millie, her lips never seeming to stop and her hands moving in motions that probably corresponded to her words. Millie was watching, but was not talking in response. Caty and Genie were just standing there. The awkwardness seemed to reach out and blanket the entire front yard.

Well, it was done. He had a wife. His children had a mother.

Please, God. Don’t let this have been another mistake.


Chapter Three (#ulink_68983b6c-ce33-5c4b-b037-0f2f05293a07)

To Do:

Wake up early

Gather eggs

Get water

Bring in wood for the day

Milk cow—well, try to milk the cow

Wash clothes

Hang clothes to dry

Churn butter

Make beds

Make stew for supper

Make bread

Beat dust out of rugs

Tackle mending pile

Weed garden

Work on knitting things to sell for extra money

Milk cow again?

Millie looked at her to-do list and frowned. She was hopelessly behind today. No, that wasn’t the full extent of it. She was hopelessly behind this month. Making her plans and lists was one thing. Actually doing them was a completely different thing. An increasingly frustrating thing, it turned out.

Between the two children outside her womb and the one inside, Millie was not getting anything done. At all.

Millie looked at her plans for the day and then scratched them out with a giant X. She hated that proof of her failure, right there for all to see. If she could, Millie would erase the always-uncompleted lists and pretend they never existed. But, she had used up all of her eraser doing that already. And, it hadn’t helped. She was still looking at a book of archived failures instead of a book of accomplishment.

“Miyi.”

Gene was awake. Millie closed her book and walked to the bedroom where the children were napping. She opened the door and was not surprised at all to see the little boy sitting up and grinning at her from the bed. Caty was still sleeping soundly next to him.

This had been their pattern for the past month. Both children would go down for their nap without a fuss, and both would quickly fall asleep. But, Genie woke up early. Every. Single. Time. Then, he grinned and charmed his way out of the rest of his nap. Millie supposed she should be firmer with him, but she just couldn’t. Not with that smile.

Millie came in and picked Gene up out of the bed. Holding him on one hip, she leaned down and adjusted the covers so they fully covered Caty. The girl would sleep for another hour or so, yet. Millie wasn’t too concerned about the difference in their nap time each day. Both children went to bed easily and on time. Both woke easily enough, too. Millie felt sure that each child was getting enough rest.

Millie left the door cracked as she went back out into the main room. She sat down in the rocking chair, adjusting Gene so he sat in her lap facing her.

“Well, Mr. Beale, did you have a good nap?”

“Yes!”

“Shh, you’ll wake your sister.”

“Blocks!”

Millie gave him her best mock-stern look. “May you please play with blocks?”

“Blocks, please?”

Good enough. Millie leaned forward and kissed his forehead before standing up and carrying him to the small area rug in the center of the room. She set him down and went to get the basket full of blocks from the corner. Genie would happily sit there, banging and making noises as he played, for hours.

He was a good boy. Actually, they were both good children. Millie had settled into life with them fairly easily. Compared to most of the children in The Home, Caty and Genie were amazingly well behaved.

Millie walked over to the kitchen table and eyed her notebook with disgust. No, it wasn’t the children’s fault that she was not getting things done. They took up some of her time, of course. But, they were not demanding children. And the time she spent with them was a joy.

She was the problem. Millie had been around women who were expecting before. She knew about the sickness that could plague the first few months of pregnancy. Or, she thought she knew.

It seemed that knowing and seeing were nothing like actually experiencing. Millie was past the first few months of her pregnancy. This feeling of illness should be over, but it wasn’t. Millie was tired. Really, really tired. And she was still getting physically sick every day.

The result was that notebook full of failed plans and more than one night spent obsessing about her failure. Just seeing it on the table made Millie want to go back to bed, pull the covers up over her head and hide from the world.

But, that wasn’t going to help anything.

Instead, Millie went into the kitchen and began cutting vegetables for the stew she planned for supper. She listened to Genie’s noises, pictured a sleeping Caty and looked at the main room of the house. Despite all her shortcomings, she had made her way to a nice place. A safe one.

The house was as charming as those two rocking chairs on the front porch had promised. The kitchen and family room were combined in one large room. At first, Millie had been surprised by the lack of privacy in the kitchen. She’d never worked in one that wasn’t enclosed in its own separate space.

But, she’d come to think the design was pure genius after only a few days with the children. Millie was able to work in the kitchen or sit at the table and still see exactly where Caty and Gene were and what they were doing.

Beyond the main room, the house had three bedrooms. Three seemed like a lot for this part of the country, and Millie felt almost spoiled. Adam had a bedroom, the children shared a room, and the third one was Millie’s.

Millie had never had her own bedroom before. She still felt a sense of wonder at the thought. Adam’s letter had made clear that he was seeking a mother for his children and someone to help with his home. Not for more intimate companionship. Even so, Millie never considered she would have a room of her own. At best, she’d hoped for a separate bed in with the children.

Even now, weeks later, Millie sometimes found herself standing in the doorway and staring at it. Making sure it was real. The room had a bed and a chest of drawers and too many small, comforting details to count.

The bed was covered in a gorgeous quilt. The care and love with which it was made was only enhanced by the softness that came from many washings. A vase of flowers sat on top of the chest. They had been there that first day, and Millie had kept fresh ones there ever since. The current assortment had been picked by the children. Especially for her. Curtains hung at the windows, sheer lace that let the light dance across the room early in the morning. A hooked rug lay on the floor next to the bed. And there was a rocking chair.

Millie had her own rocking chair in her own room.

When she’d commented on how beautiful it was, Adam had blushed. The man’s cheeks actually turned pink. He’d said that Edith was responsible, that it was all her doing. But, when Millie thanked Edith the next time she came out to visit, Edith had said it was all Adam’s doing. That he had requested a room for Millie that was both feminine and comforting.

Regardless of who did it, Millie loved her room.

She also loved this house. And these children. Really, it would be hard not to love Catherine and Eugene after spending more than five minutes with them.

Yes, things were going well. By anyone’s standards—with the exception of her failure to follow through on her carefully wrought plans for each day. Somehow, she could never seem to catch up...or escape the feeling of being on the edge of some sort of precipice.

Part of the problem was Millie’s sense of unfamiliarity with what was outside her front door. Inside the house, life was not too different from life in Saint Louis. Once she figured out where to find water, wood and food that was. But, outside was very different from anything Millie had ever encountered. And it intimidated her beyond belief.

Adam had tried to teach her what she needed to know. But he was busy every day. Between the fields from the farm aspect of the land and the livestock from the ranch aspect, he worked fifteen hours each day, coming home only for supper and an hour with the kids before bedtime. Edith said that was normal for this time of year. That things would slow down in late fall and winter and then they would have plenty of time together.

Millie didn’t know how she felt about that.

But, that was a worry for another day.

Despite his busy schedule, Adam had made sure Millie was comfortable gathering eggs and milking the cow. So far, those bare necessities and laundry had been the only reasons Millie had left the house. Until today.

Feeling like she had things inside the house under her control, today’s plan had included tackling the vegetable garden out back. It was in deplorable shape, largely due to inattention. Now that she was here, though, she wanted to get it back to its full glory. It wasn’t just aesthetic—they needed that garden for food.

Millie had some experience with small gardens, but had never tended anything as large as the monster out back. Of course, gardens in the city were meant to supplement food purchased from merchants. Here, though, the garden was supposed to be one of their primary sources of food. That made it a priority.

Millie glared at her notebook again. The one with the plan for her to work peacefully in that wreck of a garden while the children were napping. Too late for that now.

Well, it seemed that Millie was going to learn how to tend a garden and keep an eye on two small children at the same time. There was simply no other choice. Besides, the fresh air would probably do the children some good.

Two hours later, Millie found herself on her knees in the dirt. The plants here were definitely struggling, but they were not dead. Adam’s attempts at keeping the garden going around all his other duties had been enough to sustain life. Millie felt certain—okay, she really, really hoped—that the plants would flourish now that she was here to tend them regularly.

Oddly, the prospect excited her. Much like her room, this was a piece of earth that Adam had said was all hers. And, she wanted to do something with it. Make these dying plants and dark earth turn into a bounty of food that could feed them all year long.

“Am I doing it right, Millie?”

Caty and Gene had not hesitated to get down in the dirt with her. Genie’s chubby little fists were almost a blur in the beginning as he had just started pulling anything growing and tossing it in a pile. Vegetable or weed, if it was in his path it was yanked and thrown, all with an accompanying grin and nonstop chatter.

But, he was where Millie could see him, and was trying. Good enough. Besides, it took less than five minutes for Genie to decide playing in the dirt was more fun than dealing with pesky plants anyway.

Unlike her brother, Caty was taking her job very seriously. She spent long minutes considering the plants in front of her, fingering the leaves with solemn eyes and an intensity that almost made Millie sad. The girl looked so terribly fearful of getting anything wrong.

“You’re doing a great job, Caty. In fact, I’m watching what you do to make sure I get it right.”

Caty didn’t smile. “Really? I don’t think I am doing it the way I’m supposed to.”

Oh, Millie wanted to gather this child in her arms and just create a space where all Caty felt was love and acceptance. She didn’t. Instead she sat back and brushed the dirt off her hands. “I know what you mean.”

Caty looked at her. “You do?”

Millie nodded and smiled, heart still feeling almost too tender. “I’ve never had a large farm garden before, Caty. And certainly not a garden with weeds as big as the plants, all of them looking a little worse for wear. I am kind of guessing what to do here.”

Caty twisted her fingers in her lap. “Daddy tried to make a good garden. He tried really hard.”

There was no stopping Millie’s hand from reaching out and brushing down Caty’s hair. Then stroking her fingers over the child’s cheek. Millie’s muscles twitched with the urge to pull the child onto her lap, but she held back. She’d resolved to wait until Caty was ready to come to her, not wanting to push the girl. “I know he did, honey. And you know what? He did a good job.”

Caty’s eyes were still far too serious. Doubting.

“He did. I mean, look at all the vegetables that are growing here. I can’t wait to see what else comes up.”

Caty looked at the garden and nodded.

“And now all we have to do is clean it up a little. Then, we’ll have the best garden I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life.”

“Really? I mean, Daddy tried. But, it’s—” Caty was clearly trying to balance honesty and her loyalty to her father.

“A mess. Yep. But, it’s our mess, Caty-girl. And it will be our wonderful garden when we’re done.” This was the first time Millie had used Adam’s nickname for Caty. She watched, trying to decide if it made the girl uncomfortable. Really hoping it didn’t.

Caty went back to leaning over the area of garden where they were working, this time pulling a weed quickly and surely. “Yeah. It’s our mess.”

Millie smiled and took up a similar position. They were going to weed their garden in the sunshine. Life was good.

Millie’s enthusiasm had dampened somewhat an hour later. She was hot and sticky and absolutely filthy. She and Caty had also only made progress in about one fourth of the garden. Growing vegetables was harder than it looked. But, Millie pictured the end result and pulled at the next weed she saw.

She stopped when she heard a horse ride into the yard. The children ran to greet Adam as he dismounted. He gave them hugs and set them back down, telling them to go play as though nothing was amiss.

But something must be. Why else would Adam be home at this hour?

“Good afternoon, Millie. I see you’ve decided to deal with the disaster I made of the vegetable garden.”

His voice was courteous, as always. Adam’s treatment of her had not wavered since the first day. He was kind. Gentle. And distant. In other words, he was everything he had promised Millie he would be. And that was another thing that unsettled her to no end.

“I’m trying. I’ve never had a garden this big before, so I’m not sure I’m doing it right. Caty has been a huge help.”

Adam walked over and looked at her work. “You’re doing a good job. The part you two worked on looks perfect. You got all the weeds out, so the vegetables won’t be fighting them for space or water. All we’ll need is a couple of good rains and lots of sunshine.” Millie had thought so, but it still felt really good to hear someone else say it.

“You’re home early. Is everything okay?” His praise had given her enough courage to ask the question.

“For us, yes. We’re just fine.”

She liked that, too. Whether he thought it was easier or because he had picked up on her need for it, Adam often reassured her that everything was okay. His words did not make it so, obviously, but they still helped give her a sense of security.

Adam took off his hat, and wiped his hand across his brow. “I’m home because Jonas Miller came out to see me. He found me in the fields.”

“Jonas Miller? I haven’t met him yet, have I?”

“No. He’s another neighbor. A couple of farms out from the Potters.”

“Oh. Why did he come see you today? Isn’t he as busy as you are?” Sorrow crossed over Adam’s face, and Millie’s sense of unease grew. Adam did not come home in the middle of the day to have a simple conversation.

“No, he’s not. Not anymore at least.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s giving up. Selling his farm and moving to Kansas City. Going to try to find some work there.”

“I don’t understand. He waited until the growing season, until he had paid for seeds and done the work to plant them, to decide he didn’t want to be a farmer?” Her tone gave away her bewilderment, but she was struggling to understand. Millie loathed being in situations she didn’t understand.

Adam looked at the kids, smiling at their antics as Gene pretended to be a chicken and chased a shrieking Caty. “This has been coming on for some time now,” he explained. “With the drought last year, Jonas used up all his savings to have a go at putting in the crops this year.”

“So, why is he quitting?”

Adam huffed out a small breath. He looked almost apologetic. “He’s thinking that this year will be a repeat of last year. He found a seller who wants the farm right away, crops and all, and he took the offer. Hopes to find better work in the city.”

Spots danced in Millie’s vision, and she sat down on the steps. “Why does Mr. Miller think that this year is going to be a repeat of last year?”

Adam sat down next to her on the step. “Because it’s looking like it might. We haven’t had a good soaker in months. Spring is usually a rainy, muddy time.”

“It has been raining,” Millie argued.

Adam shrugged. “More like drizzling. We’ve been getting damp, not drenched.”

“So, you’re going to lose all the crops? Again? Everything is just going to die?” How could that be? He went out and worked every single day. Why would Adam do that if all of his hard work was going to dry up and die? And why hadn’t she known that there was a drought in Kansas last year? That it had been too dry already this spring?

Adam moved to kneel on the step below her, his body slightly in front of hers. Facing her. “It’s okay.”

The man kept saying that. Adam had a very different definition of okay than Millie did, that was for sure.

“That’s why I have the cattle and horses. They will sustain us if we have another bad harvest of crops. Plus, the weather is unpredictable. Just because it’s been dry so far doesn’t mean there will be another drought.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Adam sounded confused now. Good.

“Why do you do it? Farm? Why not just have the ranch? I don’t understand why you would spend so much time and energy on such a risky endeavor.”

Understanding flashed across his face. “I do it because I’m a farmer. I enjoy the cattle and horses, but I’m meant to be a farmer. I’ve always known it. Planting. Tending. Harvesting. It all feels so right, Millie. I’m a farmer.” Adam took his hat off his head and brushed it against his thigh. He was looking in the distance, but his voice was still steady. Almost imploring. “You’re a farmer’s wife.”

Millie had no response to that. She certainly wasn’t in a position to order him around. To change anything about their circumstances.

Adam stood up. “I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to. And we can talk about this in more detail, if you want. But, later. Jonas came to ask for my help with fixing and loading some things as he packs up his belongings. That’s why I came home. I need to get my tools and head out to his place. He’s waiting for me.”

Millie stood up, too. “It’s fine, Adam. We’re fine. Will you be home for supper?”

“For that stew I smell? Absolutely.”

Millie nodded and straightened her apron. No way out but forward.

Adam said goodbye to the children, gathered his tools and left.

Millie decided to finish the section of her garden that she’d started. That was the next task. That was all she needed to focus on right now. But, this time when Millie looked at her vegetable patch, she didn’t see the promise of a bounty to come. No. She saw her future. So fragile and capable of being destroyed by a single whim of man or nature.

Not just her future. Her child’s future. And that of the two children she was quickly growing to love and claim as her own.

* * *

It was dark by the time Adam returned home that evening. Jonas had needed more help than he’d expected, but Adam hadn’t wanted to leave the man to finish on his own. Adam opened the front door and walked inside, uncertain of what his reception might be.

In the month since he had been married, life had been quite good. They had fallen into an easy routine, and his children were thriving. Today’s discussion was the first bump since their conversation about her meeting the children.

His new wife was very reserved and Adam did not understand everything that Millie kept hidden from him, but he knew she was afraid of the future. That was immensely logical to Adam’s mind. What little he knew about Millie’s past combined with the nature of being a woman in this world spoke volumes about her fear. She had been homeless. Penniless. Alone. She was afraid of being that again.

Adam looked around the room, hoping to see Millie and the kids waiting for him. But it was empty. Disappointment warred with frustration. Adam didn’t want tension anywhere in his home or marriage.

A glance in the kitchen showed the stew still being kept warm. That was something. He checked in on the kids, satisfied to see them tucked in and sleeping. Then, he walked to Millie’s closed bedroom door. Should he knock, see if she wanted to continue their conversation from earlier? She had been upset. Worried about drought and the future. And he had had to leave before he could soothe her fears. Adam felt bad for that, but she needed to learn that these things were part of life on a farm. And, she had married a farmer.

Adam moved his ear closer to the door when he heard a noise from inside. He didn’t want to intrude on Millie’s privacy or force a conversation if she wasn’t ready, but something about that sound set his nerves on edge. He heard the noise again.

Millie was getting sick.

Adam rapped on the door. “Millie, it’s Adam. I’m coming inside.” He probably should have waited until she gave him permission. But, Adam heard the sound of Millie retching again and refused to stand by and simply listen.

He opened the door and strode inside. Millie was sitting in the rocking chair, still wearing her dress and apron from earlier. Her hair was coming out of its bun as she bent over a chamber pot held on her lap. He walked over and crouched down beside her.

“Adam, you should go. You don’t—” Millie stopped speaking as she got sick again.

Adam couldn’t be here and not touch her. Not try to comfort her. He reached out and rested a hand on her back, rubbing up and down in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to worry about anything. Just let it pass.”

They stayed like that for a few more minutes. Millie hunched over her bowl and Adam just being there, with a hand on her back. Had she been ill all day? Or for longer? Adam hadn’t noticed anything earlier, but they also hadn’t exactly been spending a lot of time together.

Adam moved his hand from her back to stroke her hair away from her face. He incorporated wiping a palm across her forehead into the motion. She didn’t feel feverish.

“I don’t have a fever.” Millie’s voice was hoarse, and she wasn’t looking up at him.

“Did you eat something spoiled?” He and the children were just fine, so that was unlikely.

“I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”

Adam winced at the hoarseness in her voice. She was not fine.

“It will take me a while to go get the doctor. I’ll leave just as soon as I think you’ll be okay alone.”

“I’m all right alone. I’m always alone and always all right.”

Adam flinched back at the force of her words. He put his hand back, trying to figure out how to get her to calm down. So far, he was only riling her up more.

“Okay. It’s okay. Just try to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I told you I’m not sick.” Millie had moved from despair to flat-out grumpy. Her mood swings were giving Adam a headache. He decided the best course of action was to keep quiet and just be here.

A few minutes later, Millie sat up all the way. She set the bowl down on the floor on the opposite side of where Adam was crouching. Then, she hunched back over and rested her face in her hands.

Adam saw a pitcher of water and a toweling cloth on top of the chest. He stood up and walked over to it. After wetting the cloth, he came back down to her side. When she looked up, Adam took the cloth and wiped her face, trying to both refresh and comfort her. She reached up and put her hands over his. Took the towel out of his hands.

“I’m sorry. I was rude to you.”

“It’s okay.”

“You say that a lot.”

“Say what?”

“That it’s okay. You’re always telling me that it’s okay.”

She had a point, but he wasn’t sorry. “That’s because I think everything will be okay.”

Millie just gave him a look he couldn’t decipher. Then, she took the cloth and wiped her face again, much rougher than Adam had. She started to stand, and Adam reached out and placed his hands over hers.

“You should rest a few minutes longer.”

“Well, to use your favorite words, I’m okay, Adam.”

“Millie. People who are okay do not get sick like that.”

“They do if they’re pregnant.”

Oh. Of course. Adam had been through this before. Twice. He should have known.

“You look surprised. Didn’t Sarah ever get sick while carrying?”

“She did. Just never this late into her pregnancy.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t expect it to last this long either.”

Adam clenched his jaw to stop his smile. Millie sounded decidedly put out. It was kind of cute. “How long have you been getting sick?”

“Oh, about every day for forever.”

Yep. She was definitely not feeling any kind of glow. “Why didn’t you say anything? I could have helped out more if I had known.”

Millie stood up, brushed her hands down her apron. “It wasn’t worth mentioning. It’s just part of life. I am perfectly capable of handling anything this baby throws my way.” She moved over and picked up the chamber pot. “If you’ll excuse me, I want to clean this up and then go to bed. I’m tired.”

Millie started to hurry out of the room. She stopped, turned and looked at him. “Thank you for being concerned. I left the stew on for you.”

“Thanks. I’m famished.”

Left alone in her room, Adam breathed out a long sigh. He opened her window, hoping she would appreciate the fresh air when she returned. Feeling foolish standing there and waiting for some unknown something, he headed to the kitchen and dished up a bowl of Millie’s stew. Millie came back in the front door with a cleaned-out chamber pot. She gave Adam a small smile and went inside her room, closing her door behind her.

Adam ate the delicious stew with a slice of thick bread Millie must have made earlier in the day. He found himself thinking about that life inside Millie’s womb with a smile. His regrets about his first wife seemed to be endless, but his children were nowhere on the list. He cherished every moment his children had been in his life, including his wife’s pregnancies.

And now, he was going to be a father again. He’d been so focused on keeping his distance from Millie and being a good father to his children that he’d missed something so very obvious. He couldn’t do both. He could not be distant from Millie and love his children because one of his children was currently inside of Millie. And, Millie was the mother of his children.

He had sought out a mother for them, had brought her here. She was not an unrelated person he could keep on the sidelines. She was integral to his family.

He needed her.

He thought of Millie as being a person who needed safety and reassurance, but Adam was the exact same. He wanted more than a mother for his children. He wanted a partner. Out there. On his farm. But he was afraid Millie would see his need and refuse to stay by his side. That she would feel stifled or trapped. That she would be Sarah. Again.

Yes, Adam needed Millie to have the life he wanted. The companionship he was craving. That meant he needed to start doing his part. But how could he connect with his wife and build the foundation for a strong partnership without risking his heart again?


Chapter Four (#ulink_85df2000-8085-50ca-a3a7-6f523d66d300)

To Do:

Learn about drought

Find time to knit more—figure out how to sell the items

Come up with a way to hide part of my knitting proceeds without Adam noticing

Check crops—see if they look dry

Check cattle—see if they look thirsty

Learn what not dry crops look like

Learn what not thirsty cattle look like

Talk to Edith? Is she worried?

Find out if Adam has savings

“What are you working on?”

Millie quickly put down her pencil and closed her notebook. Too late she realized that was acting like someone guilty of, well, something. Great. Adam was going to think she was plotting his demise if she didn’t figure out how to be less secretive.

But, she couldn’t help it. Her notebook was hers. Her lists were hers. They had always been the one thing that had belonged entirely to her. The matron and other kids at The Home had often taken her belongings. One of the first rules of surviving in that place was to not get too closely attached to things. Various items were there for her to use, but they were temporary. They were not hers.

Except for her notebook and lists. No one had ever been interested in taking them away from her. Honestly, most children tried to avoid things related to writing. To school. So, her notebook had been safe.

And now Adam was asking her about it and she was acting like a lunatic.

“It’s just a notebook.” Despite her best effort, the note of defensiveness was obvious in her tone.

“What do you write in it?”

If Adam was accusing her of something, he was hiding it well. He sounded curious. Just curious. Millie didn’t know what to make of that. They had been married for a month, and had seemed to settle into a nice routine where he left her alone as much as possible and she did the same. They spoke as needed to ensure the smooth running of the household. And they put on a good show of friendliness for the children.

Except, it wasn’t really a show. Their companionship was real. It was just distant. A kind of separated friendship that suited Millie perfectly.

So, why was Adam suddenly asking her about her notebook?

It was early evening. Supper had been eaten. The kitchen cleaned. Caty with her dolls and Genie with his blocks were happily playing in front of the fire. Adam was sitting in a rocking chair, watching the children and joining in with their chatter.

And Millie was at the table with her notebook. Looking at what she had accomplished today and planning for tomorrow.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I was just wondering. You spend every night sitting over there writing, and it made me curious.”

Adam’s voice was not accusatory, but the way he said “over there” caught Millie’s attention. It was like she was in the next county. She wasn’t even in the next room, for pity’s sake. She was right there. In the same room.

Was he unhappy with her behavior? Did he want something else?

“It’s not a secret. I just make lists in here.”

“Lists?”

“Yes. Lists. You know. I write down things I want to do so I don’t forget.”

Adam was looking at her like she was a crazy person. Great.

“I know it’s weird, but I like to write down my to-do list and then cross the things off.”

Adam looked at the kids. Genie was still banging his blocks, making growly noises and giggling at his own antics. Caty had a doll and brush in her hands, but she wasn’t playing anymore. Instead, she was watching them with worried eyes. She had probably picked up on the same undercurrent that Millie noticed.

“I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had written something down.” Adam began rocking again and the tension left the room. Caty started brushing her doll’s hair again.

Millie looked down at her closed notebook. Every part of her body wanted to open it back up and start writing again. Review what she had already written. But she forced her hands to stay where they were.

Millie couldn’t stay at the table with her notebook and not review what was inside. That was just asking too much. She stood and walked to where Genie was playing on the ground with his blocks. He grinned at her, all teeth and mischief. He held a block up to her, and Millie took it and sat down next to him.

She ran her thumb over the smooth wood, wondering how something so simple could be so absolutely entertaining to a little boy. Genie reached out and stilled her hand, positioning it so she was holding the block in just the right position. Then he picked up a block with his own hand and proceeded to bang his block into her block. He giggled like this was the most fun he had ever had in his life.

Millie held her block still and played along, resisting the urge to hug this child with every bit of her strength. Wherever he was, whatever he had, this little boy found a way to be happy. Millie had never been like that, not even as a child. She swallowed hard, trying to ease the tension in her throat and the regrets in her mind. Then, she just played with the little boy God had brought into her life.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. Children were put in nightclothes. Prayers were said. Covers were tucked, and lamps were blown out.

Millie followed Adam out of the children’s room, fully intending to head to her own bedroom. That had been the routine for the past month, and it was one Millie enjoyed. She would have some time alone before heading to bed. Time where she could open her notebook back up and finish planning for the days ahead.

“Millie?”

She stopped about a foot outside her doorway and freedom. Millie turned her eyes back to where Adam was waiting behind her in the family room. “Yes?”

“Would you stay out here tonight? For a little bit?”

Millie wanted to hide in her room. She wanted a closed door and time to think. She was still processing her thoughts about a drought, and needed to work on her list of questions to get answered. Once she had answers, she could work on a plan for if they lost all the crops.

But, Millie could not tell Adam no. He was her husband. And his request was not unreasonable. Presumably, he had some reason for wanting her to stay and talk with him.

Millie nodded her consent and walked toward the kitchen, intending to take her familiar place at the table.

“Maybe we could sit in front of the fire?”

Millie froze. Sit in front of the fire? While there were two rocking chairs positioned there, they had never sat together in them. Millie had used her chair to knit during the day. Sometimes in the evening if Adam was still out working. But, never while he was home and sitting in his chair.

The two of them. Rocking together in front of a fire while children were soundly sleeping. That was too much. It seemed too much like...something she couldn’t really name.

“Please? I just want to talk to you.”

Adam’s tone was one he used with a scared animal. Was that how he saw her? Did he think she was weak? Helpless? Millie felt anger surge up. It was a ridiculous reaction to his obvious kindness, but the anger was there nonetheless.

Millie managed to not stomp as she headed for the rocking chair. She did not, however, manage to sit down calmly or gracefully. Instead, she almost huffed down into the chair.

Then the chair rocked.

Then she felt the world spin.

Then that spinning landed in her stomach, which lurched with nausea.

Millie planted her feet to stop the chair from its incessant motion. She closed her eyes and counted the ways she could manage to further embarrass herself this evening. Nope. There weren’t any more. That was reassuring at least.

Millie kept her eyes closed when she felt Adam crouch down in front of her. His warm hands picked hers up from her lap. She could smell him. Dirt shouldn’t be an appealing smell, but it was somehow on this man. He loved the earth and often carried its scent with him through his day.

“Is it passing?”

Millie smiled. She simply couldn’t help herself. She’d gone from fury to amusement in seconds. Alternating between strong emotions had been a constant pattern in her life for months now. Whether it was the baby or the man, Millie had no clue. But, she really hoped it was the baby. Her pregnancy would eventually end, and she prayed the turbulent emotions currently ruling her behavior would end with it.

Millie opened her eyes and saw exactly what she expected. Adam kneeling in front of her, looking both amused and concerned. But, mainly amused. At least he wasn’t upset by her not-so-subtle tantrum.

Adam squeezed her hands and smiled back at her. That smile moved Millie’s attention from her stomach to the ping in her heart. She had not married Adam for his looks. In fact, she had no clue what he looked like until the day before their wedding.

But, there was no denying that she had married a handsome man. His black hair and dark eyes were hard to ignore. Those striking looks were only magnified by his grin with the hint of mischief that Genie had clearly inherited. Both Beale men were easy on the eyes and trouble through and through. And, Millie found that she had as hard a time resisting Adam as she did Genie when he wanted something.

“Do you feel better? I wanted to talk to you, but I understand if you need to go to bed.”

Oh, that option was beyond tempting. But, hiding from problems had never made them disappear. “I’m fine now, Adam. I just sat down too fast.”

His lips twitched, but Adam didn’t point out that she had done a bit more than sit too fast. He stood and headed for his own chair. He positioned it across from her, moving it slightly closer than it had been before. Adam sat, looking at the floor for several never-ending seconds. One of the things Millie liked the most about Adam was his predictability and tendency to do things in a routine manner. But this felt anything but predictable or routine.

Adam breathed out a long, audible breath. Her own breath caught in her throat when he lifted his head and looked at her.

* * *

Knowing what he wanted and making it happen had never been a problem for Adam. He wasn’t afraid of hard work. He wasn’t even intimidated by the prospect of waiting for results. No. He could work and be patient. Deal with setbacks. Adam’s life had been one big exercise in following those principles and getting results.

Until now.

Adam wasn’t dealing with uncultivated land, a struggling seedling or a wild animal.

This was a relationship with a woman. His wife. And he had no idea how to build the relationship he wanted with her. Adam usually trusted his instincts, but they had led him wrong down this very same road. Not that long ago, either.

So here he was. Sitting in front of a fire with the woman he had married. Two people rocking because it was the polite thing to do, both wanting to get up and run far away.

Millie was turning out to be an excellent mother for his children. Truly, he could not imagine a woman caring for Caty and Genie any better than she did. More than caring for them, she was nurturing them. Loving them even. But, Adam wanted more.

He wanted a partner. He wanted to be part of the cozy little family Millie was creating inside the house he’d built. Adam wasn’t looking for romantic love, but the fields that used to bring him joy were starting to feel like banishment.

He actually found himself wishing Millie was with him throughout the day, or that he could go to her without feeling like he was intruding. He wanted another adult to share his life with. Their life. Once he realized what he wanted, he was willing to do what it took to make more happen. If only he knew what to do.

“Are you happy, Millie?”

She stopped rocking, and seemed to almost freeze. Apparently, he had a talent for catching this woman so off guard that she turned into a statue. That wasn’t a talent Adam relished, but it seemed about right given his relationship with women in general.

“Uh, Millie?” He sounded foolish, but what else was he supposed to say?

Millie closed her mouth and blinked, and Adam felt the pressure in his chest lessen as she came back to life. She blushed, and Adam tried not to notice how pretty it looked on her cheeks.

“Am I happy? I don’t understand.”

The bewildered tone made Adam’s heart ache. She sounded absolutely stunned that her husband would care about her happiness. Had nothing in her life led her to expect that her happiness would be a concern? Of importance?

Adam leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs. They had been living as strangers for a month. It had gone nicely, too. But, he wanted more than that for his children, including the one currently growing in Millie’s womb. Not love. No, Adam had learned that lesson well. But, friendship. Companionship. A sense of shared purpose surely wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? That was the goal, and Adam was ready to do the work.

“It’s been a month. I just want to know how you feel about things here. Are you happy with the house? The children? Your day-to-day life?” With me? He didn’t say the last part, but Adam’s heart whispered it.

“I’m happy here?”

“That sounded more like a question than a reply. There isn’t a right answer. I know things have been overwhelming. You left the city and came to a new state. You came to a new house. You’re living with three strangers, two of whom are children.”

Millie’s eyes were wide and fearful. She had scooted forward in her rocking chair and was perched on the edge, almost as though she was preparing to flee. If Adam’s goal was to put Millie at ease around him, he was failing.

“I’m messing this up.” No need to hide it, his inability to have a simple conversation with his wife was completely and utterly obvious. “It’s not a test. I’m not angry or upset with you—and I won’t be, no matter what you tell me. If you’re not happy, I want to know so that I can try to fix it. We’re married, and I want us both to work together to build a good life. For Caty and Genie. And the baby. That child you’re carrying is mine. In every way that counts, that child will be mine to love and care for and provide for. And, I’m excited. I want to share in every moment.”

Statue Millie was back. Well, at least statues couldn’t run away.

“But, it’s not just about the children. It’s also for us. We count, too. I want both of us to be happy. I believe we still agree that we don’t want a romantic relationship. But, I feel like we are still strangers. We’ve lived together as a family for a month, and you and I don’t know each other.” Adam swallowed and looked at his hands. Might as well say it all. It certainly couldn’t make things more awkward. “I get lonely sometimes. I’d like to know you as a friend. Not as the nice woman living in my house and caring for my children who is practically a stranger.”

“Um, okay.”

Yeah, her mouth might have agreed with his proposal, but her tone certainly didn’t. And neither did the way she was still perched on the edge of that chair like she was ready to bolt at any moment. But, Adam would take what he could get. Go slow. Easy.

The Adam of years ago would never have put himself in such a position. No. That Adam had assumed that such work was unnecessary to sustain a strong marriage. Once married, a husband and a wife were one until death they did part. Why put energy into such a relationship? It was a foregone conclusion that the other person would be there.

Until it wasn’t. His first wife had proven with tragic competency that Adam couldn’t just assume Millie would stay and keep up her end of the bargain if she was unhappy.

Adam felt like this conversation was a foot deep in the thickest mud the prairie had to offer. But, he’d wanted to go down this road, so now was the time to follow through. “Great.”

They sat and stared at each other for several long seconds. Not great.

“Did your friend get all moved out?”

Adam blinked at the abrupt question. He knew their prior conversation about drought had made Millie uneasy, so he was surprised that she chose that topic. But she was trying, and Adam wasn’t about to cut her off.

“Yes, he and his wife should arrive in Kansas City by the end of next week. I hope they’ll get settled quickly. And be happy.”

“I’ve been praying for them.”

Adam stopped rocking at her words. Then, he made himself resume. That was probably the most personal thing Millie had ever said to him, but he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. More than anything, he wanted things to feel natural between them. Normal.

Adam hadn’t felt at ease and normal in this house for years. Not since the day he’d come home to find Sarah’s note that she was leaving him. But, he remembered his parents, who had always had a solid, stable marriage. They’d spent hours talking in the evenings. It had just been a part of his childhood. A good one.

“That’s nice. I’m also praying for them. Starting over won’t be easy, and I hope they find everything they’re looking for.”

“You pray, too?” She sounded surprised. “I mean, I know you pray for us before meals, obviously, and in church on Sundays, but you pray other times, too?”

Adam felt the ground steady beneath him. “Yes. I pray a lot. My relationship with the Lord has deepened significantly since my wife died.” Well, that came out wrong. “My first wife, I mean.”

“I know what you meant. I’m kind of the same. I found the church before my first husband died, but my faith has really grown since he passed.”

Adam knew the bones of her story. She hadn’t told him any of it herself, though, either in the letter she had sent him or in the brief conversations they’d had since her arrival. No, the people who had facilitated their marriage had filled Adam in on those details.

Was Millie aware that Adam knew those details? Maybe. But, it still felt too intimate to bring them up. Those weeks after her husband had died must have been terrifying.

“I’m glad. My faith has helped me through a number of hard times. I’m glad yours has done the same for you.”

“It has.” Millie was rocking steadily, looking into the fire. This silence still felt charged, but not so much as before. Progress.

Millie kept rocking, but her hands were fidgeting in her lap, fingers twisting and intertwining. “Will you tell me about drought?”

He managed to stop his head halfway through its rapid jerk in her direction. Her body was screaming that asking the question had been hard and awkward for her and that she feared his reaction—but he could tell that she feared drought more, and wanted answers. It didn’t take a genius to pick up on the fact that Millie worried about the future. A lot. That seemed fairly rational given what she had been through.

Adam had done his best to reassure her that he would take care of her and their family. But, Millie was still visibly concerned about being secure long-term. He understood that, given that she had recently found herself pregnant and homeless. But, it still kind of rankled. Even if he died tomorrow, he wasn’t the type of man to leave his family alone and unprotected. There were provisions in place.

“I’m not sure what you want to know, Millie. I mean, we haven’t been getting enough rain. Without rain, the crops aren’t getting any water. And they need water to grow.”

“So all those crops are going to die? I mean, there’s nothing you can do?”

Adam considered her question. Tried to give it respect and treat it seriously. “I don’t know. I don’t think all the crops will die. I sure hope not. But, when it comes to life in general and farming in particular, nothing is certain.”

“When will you know?”

Adam breathed out long and slow. He’d wanted a conversation and now he was getting one. “There’s not a clear answer to that. We’ve had some rain, so the situation isn’t dire. Just not as much rain as I’d like. The crops are okay for now, but there’s not a lot of margin if that little bit of rain dries up. So, we just have to wait and see.”

Millie looked down at her hands in her lap. She was still rocking. Still twisting her fingers as though she could pull answers or solace or whatever she was looking for there. “What about the cattle? They need water, too. Is this drought bad for them?”

“It’s not ideal, but the cattle can handle the lack of water better than the crops. The ponds haven’t dried up, yet, so that’s good. And, if it comes down to it, like last year, I can sell the nonessential cattle and take the rest to where there is water.”

“That’s what you did last year?”

“Yes. And we were okay.”

“Did you have to use all your savings last year? Like that family that moved away? Do you have any left?”

His savings? Was she that concerned about his ability to provide? Did she really doubt him that much? Adam clenched his jaw so hard it began to ache. What would it take for his wife to simply trust that he could be a good husband and father? He’d been trying so hard, but it still wasn’t enough.

This conversation was a bad idea.


Chapter Five (#ulink_d7fc07ce-3cb2-5beb-9456-80018aec7f8d)

Option 1: All the crops die. We still have the cattle. Things are lean, but we are fine. We still have shelter and food. But what about next year?

Option 2: The crops die. The cattle die. We use all of Adam’s savings. Things are lean, but we are fine. We still have shelter and food. But what about next year?

Option 3: The crops die. The cattle die. Adam’s savings are not enough and we lose the land. Adam can get a job in the city to support us?

Option 4: The crops die. The cattle die. Adam’s savings are not enough and we lose the land. Adam refuses to move to the city?

Millie usually used the time right after she woke up to map out the day. Today, though, she’d felt compelled to list possible scenarios. That was a mistake. Millie should have stuck to her to-do lists. At least then, she was in charge. She did things and she crossed them off and she went to bed at night knowing she had accomplished something. But, no. She’d had to work through the worst that could happen—and terrify herself in the process.

How did she expect it was going to end? If life had taught Millie one thing, it was that the worst could indeed happen. Their crops were going to die. Millie was going to end up homeless again. Homeless and pregnant and alone. Millie pushed away from the table where she had been writing in her notebook. Moving to her bedroom, she pulled out her suitcase. Placed it on the bed. Opened her chest drawer and grabbed a handful of clothes.

Froze.

What was she doing? Packing? Running away?

Where would she go?

And, what would she end up leaving behind?

Still clutching the clothes in her hand, Millie sank down into her rocking chair. Buried her face into the cloth she was gripping for dear life. Sucked in a shaky breath and pressed against her eyes that suddenly felt like they were on fire.

She could feel the beat of her heart, pounding in her chest. She felt the sting of tears. The tightness of her throat.

Millie felt the distinct swell of her stomach. The movement of life inside, apparently unwilling to sit idly by as Millie panicked.

Hunched almost into a ball as she was, Millie also felt a hardness in her bundle of clothes. She felt through the balled-up material until she found the pouch of beads. She opened the pouch and poured several out onto her hand. Large. Wooden. Painted bright colors. Each one had a hole in the center, perfect for a small child to thread string or yarn through. When the family she’d been staying with after her husband died had learned that Millie was marrying into a family with a little girl, they’d given the beads to Millie. Something she could use as a game with her new daughter.

Caty. Could she really leave that sweet girl? And Genie? Would she be that woman? The one who hurt those children by abandoning them after working so hard to earn their affection and trust? And, what about her own heart? She, well, she loved those children. All of her fears that they would not accept her had been completely unfounded.





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