Книга - All That Is Left Of Us

All That Is Left Of Us
Catherine Miller


‘All That is Left of Us is an emotional work of art which emphasises the power behind love and life… An extraordinary, memorable read…’ – The Writing GarnetOne of My Own…Dawn loves being a mother. No matter how Archie came into her life, or the fact he's a little different from other children, he is precious and loved. He is hers, after all. Especially because she’s never told anyone who the father of her son is.So when Dawn’s twin brother David and his wife Rebekah are struggling to have their own child, Dawn agrees to become their surrogate, as it is the one thing she can do to help.However, creating the perfect family doesn’t always go to plan and when Dawn realises just how much her nephew needs his mother, she begins to wonder if the time has finally come to confront the past she has kept secret for so long.From the author of Waiting for You comes a story of friendship, motherhood and hope.What reviewers are saying about ‘All That is Left of Us’‘a truly mesmerising read’ – Vikbat‘A beautiful book jam packed with emotions.’ – Jessica (Goodreads)‘I can't use enough words to say how much I loved this book.’ – Sylvia (Goodreads)







One of My Own…

Dawn loves being a mother. No matter how Archie came into her life, or the fact he’s a little different from other children, he is precious and loved. He is hers, after all. Especially because she’s never told anyone who the father of her son is.

So when Dawn’s twin brother, David, and his wife, Rebekah, are struggling to have their own child, Dawn agrees to become their surrogate, as it is the one thing she can do to help.

However, creating the perfect family doesn’t always go to plan, and when Dawn realises just how much her nephew needs his mother, she begins to wonder if the time has finally come to confront the past she has kept secret for so long.

From the author of Waiting for You comes a story of friendship, motherhood and hope.


Praise for CATHERINE MILLER’s Waiting for You (#ulink_2a4bcca3-e052-526c-89f0-3eb6be95d7ea)

‘An emotional debut written straight from the heart’ – Julie Cohen, author of Dear Thing

‘A great concept with a theme lots of women will relate to. I really enjoyed it.’ – Katie Fforde, author of A Summer at Sea

‘Memorable characters and a life-enriching, emotional plot. Love it.’ – Sue Moorcroft

‘A highly-emotional, moving novel, full of longing, hope and surprises waiting just around the corner.’ – Becca’s Books

‘Only a few pages in, and I couldn’t stop reading, having found myself involved in Fliss’s story and eager to find out what happened next.’ – Portobello Book Blog

‘This book had many things I love in a good book and it kept me guessing with twists I wouldn’t have expected and moments that made me giggle.’ – A Writer in a Wheelchair

‘I thought this book was very realistic in its depictions of modern motherhood.’ – Alicia (Goodreads)

‘Waiting for You was an easy book to read as it was so engaging. The writing flowed well and it was well plotted out. There were quite a few surprises I had no idea were coming, just when I thought I had it all worked out!’ – Rock Chick Blog

‘A great read which I thoroughly enjoyed.’ – Fiona’s Book Reviews


Also by Catherine Miller (#ulink_c6343729-d305-55a2-bfc3-acc67faf82b0)

Waiting for You


All That is Left of Us

Catherine Miller







Copyright (#ulink_3003ca22-ab11-5c59-a5a1-838737759eb3)

HQ

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2016

Copyright © Catherine Miller 2016

Catherine Miller asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

E-book Edition © September 2016 ISBN: 9781474049573

Version date: 2018-09-19


CATHERINE MILLER

When Catherine became a mum to twins, she decided her hands weren’t full enough so wrote a novel with every spare moment she managed to find. By the time the twins were two, Catherine had a two-book deal with HQ Digital. There is a possibility she has aged remarkably in that time.

Catherine was a NHS physiotherapist, but for health reasons (Uveitis and Sarcoidosis) she retired early from this career. As she loved her physiotherapy job, she decided that, if she couldn’t continue, she would pursue her writing dream. It took a few years and a couple of babies, but in 2015 she won the Katie Fforde bursary, was a finalist in the London Book Fair Write Stuff competition and highly commended in Woman magazine’s writing competition. Soon afterwards she signed with HQ Digital. Soon after that, she collapsed in a heap and was eventually revived by chocolate.

Catherine is one-eighth of the award-winning bloggers, The Romaniacs: https://theromaniacgroup.wordpress.com/ (https://theromaniacgroup.wordpress.com/)

You can follow Catherine on Twitter @katylittlelady


Writing All That is Left of Us has been a bit of a whirlwind. I couldn’t have managed it without the support of the wonderful people who’ve helped look after my girls to help free up some writing hours. So thank you to Dan, Monana, Great, Brian, Wendy, Paul, Barbara and Pat. With a special thanks to Alison, Katie, and all the staff at Busy Bees Preschool.

Thank you to my editor, Victoria Oundjian, for supporting this book from the moment it was an idea summed up in one paragraph to what it is today. *High fives to the entire HQ Digital team*

For help with research I need to thank Geoff Masson, livestock manager at Paulton’s Park, for all his help answering my questions about meerkats. For answering all my questions about autism, I need to thank the National Autistic Society and Steven Holloway.

For their constant support in the writing world, my thanks go to the gorgeous, wondrous Romaniac girls. My sisters in writing and in life. And if we’re sisters, then the Romantic Novelists’ Association is our parent and we are for ever thankful to the New Writers’ Scheme for helping bring us together.

And for keeping me sane(ish) every week, I want to say thank you to Liz Mclellan and her Millbrook Slimming World group.

As if I’m not busy enough, I volunteered to take over running the Shirley Double Delights and more twin club. I would like to thank all the volunteers who help out there every week: Colin, Brian, Becky, Jean, Jill, Bob, Christine and Catherine. It wouldn’t function without your marvellous help. I would also like to give a shout out to all the twin mums who come. The last few years would have been a lot tougher without your friendship and support (Liz, Karen, Carole, Cora, Kirsty, Jacqui, Danni, Cassie, Joy, Zaneta, Saphy and Stacey et al.).


For my mum.

For managing it solo and truly acing motherhood.


Contents

Cover (#ud78a837f-ca9e-50c5-bdc5-b73d9d4bb847)

Blurb (#u9aac5c04-af0e-56e2-ae9b-8c9d727cbd0c)

Praise (#ulink_f4af8d1a-93b6-5171-834e-502721e2dd15)

Book List (#ulink_67ce1703-51ae-519f-8c37-6787d6ccc3ba)

Title Page (#u1862ba9b-736b-5a83-8426-6ee449f72801)

Copyright (#ud55d2880-cb36-510d-860e-15e75456628c)

Author Bio (#ua77a1cd2-a6a7-57ea-ae81-b21b595aaca5)

Acknowledgements (#ue5e6d63f-f32b-5a11-82ca-1154aa1297e3)

Dedication (#uc2b4e905-cea4-5cb4-af8c-291fd0fa6a1f)

Prologue (#ufe963332-c195-57e7-baa5-355b4418cb64)

Chapter 1 (#ulink_3c638e32-644b-524f-ab34-7bc443d54e3c)

Chapter 2 (#ulink_9b33443d-729c-5f36-9fab-5c51019a91c3)

Chapter 3 (#ulink_04312ee7-ec6f-5a30-912f-4f337e9d10e7)

Chapter 4 (#ulink_09e47074-84a3-55a3-add0-dd7a7126dff0)

Chapter 5 (#ulink_ffcd2a95-8ee3-56f1-9f24-3c5ecfcd0350)

Chapter 6 (#ulink_14b02157-5fe8-5817-b872-79ba3329f10c)

Chapter 7 (#ulink_b4fcec81-6ade-5dcb-80f8-d7df0aa9638b)

Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 11 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 12 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 14 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 15 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 16 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 17 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 18 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 19 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 20 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 21 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 22 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 23 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 24 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 25 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 26 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 27 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 28 (#litres_trial_promo)

Chapter 29 (#litres_trial_promo)

Excerpt (#litres_trial_promo)

Endpages (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)


Prologue

Dear Archie,

On the day you were born, nothing prepared me for the life we would lead together. There was no sense of future in that moment. Only us. And every day since I have wondered if it is ever enough. If I can ever give you all the love required to pave the way.

Because right from the start I didn’t know what I was up to. And every day since I have questioned everything I’ve ever done.

I just need you to know that, despite it all, you are loved. You have always been my first love and that is all that should ever matter.

But I am being a surrogate for all of us. For your auntie and uncle to have a family as complete as ours. I hope that one day you’ll understand why it was so important to do this. And none of it will change the fact that you are my number one.

Love, Mum x

***

To my unborn child,

There has not been a day when I haven’t thought about you, but so often you have been a concept. With each of the five miscarriages I had you were more and more unreachable. You had become an impossibility. And yet here you are in this most improbable way.

I may not be the one holding you, but I want to be more than you could ever imagine. To savour those moments that are ours. And as they get closer I am beginning to believe maybe this is the occasion where nothing goes wrong. The time that you become whole and I get to become your mother.

There is nothing I want more and yet there is nothing further out of reach.

I’m counting the days until we meet,

Rebekah, your mum-to-be xxxx




Chapter 1 (#ulink_ea5645e3-fb5f-5108-bec1-61ebfd3ccee6)

Dawn was thirty-six weeks and two days pregnant with a baby that would never be hers. She knew exactly how far along she was because she was counting. She just couldn’t work out if she was marking off the days until freedom or savouring the remaining hours as a surrogate.

This evening’s class was for Rebekah’s benefit. Dawn’s sister-in-law was the real mother of the baby she was carrying. Rebekah was the one needing to know what to expect of labour even if she wasn’t going to be going through it herself. Dawn was pretty certain the process of labour hadn’t changed significantly since she last went through it a decade ago, but in some ways this labour had more at stake than her own, so the refresher wasn’t going to hurt.

And tonight was an opportunity for Rebekah to pretend.

‘This is stupid. I can’t believe you managed to get hold of this.’ Rebekah buttoned the maternity shirt she was borrowing over her fake foam bump.

‘It was from the props store. They use it for the teen pregnancy talks although I’m not too sure how much good it’s done. It doesn’t really demonstrate the true burden you endure once the baby arrives.’ Triffic. There Dawn goes putting her foot in it again. ‘When you’re a teenager.’ As she had been. Rebekah was in an altogether better position than when Dawn had had Archie at seventeen. She’d really lost the knack of saying the right thing around her sister-in-law these days.

‘This little one will never be a burden. They couldn’t be more wanted. Now, how does pregnancy suit me?’ Rebekah turned, the foam bump making her a silhouette of blooming motherhood.

‘Much better than it does me.’ Dawn was trying not to grumble, but in these final, ankle-swelling, ache-infested weeks she was counting down until her due day. Soon she would have her body back. Soon she would make Rebekah a mother. Twenty-six days left of being a surrogate mum.

‘Do you mind if we don’t tell David about this? It’s just…’ Rebekah didn’t finish the sentence and Dawn was able to fill in the blank.

It would concern him. Like this whole process had concerned Dawn’s brother. From the moment he’d fallen in love with Rebekah and they’d spent month after month trying to conceive, right through to finding out why Rebekah was so susceptible to miscarriage, Dawn had ridden the wave of heartache alongside her twin brother. So when it was clear Rebekah wouldn’t be able to have a successful pregnancy, without a second thought Dawn had volunteered. It was about time she made her role as the gooseberry in their marriage a useful one. Plus, it was for her brother. Her twin brother. There was no planet on which she’d say no to the request.

‘My lips are sealed. This is just for fun. We either go in there both pregnant or have the room thinking we’re a couple.’

‘Are you still okay with us doing this?’ Rebekah smoothed her hand over her bump, like it belonged there, which really it did.

‘What? The class? Of course. I know I said I wasn’t bothered but, to be honest, it’s been so long I could do with the refresher.’

‘Not tonight. I mean with my being there when it happens.’

‘God. Yes. Totally. I would not want it any other way.’ Even if it did mean her sister-in-law seeing her lady bits. ‘You don’t mind David having to wait outside, do you?’ It was a bit last-century making the father stay in the waiting room, but her sister-in-law catching a glimpse of her fangina was one thing – her twin brother, that was NEVER going to happen.

So here they were. In this it’s totes okay, but not okay situation. In this awkward harmony of being the mother and the womb. With each of them trying to get to grips with the roles they would play.

***

In the lift, it was a cramped bundle of blossoming bellies and polite smiles. Every person in the elevator part of a couple clearly heading to the same class.

‘How many weeks are you?’ one lady asked another as they rose level by level.

‘Thirty-seven weeks so full-term now. How about you?’

Dawn zoned out from the small talk. She wasn’t here in an attempt to find out about surviving motherhood or indeed find friends to survive motherhood with. She was here to support Rebekah. The time of the classes meant David wasn’t home from work early enough to join them and the new parent in Rebekah needed the advice these sessions would provide.

The question had reached Rebekah. ‘I’m thirty-six weeks,’ she said. ‘And this is my sister-in-law. We’re due the same week.’

‘Oh, how lovely,’ one of the women said. ‘Cousins who’ll grow up together. They’ll be like twins. That’ll be super. Is this your first?’

Dawn kept quiet and allowed Rebekah to join in the chat. It wasn’t her baby. It was her belly that was empty, not Rebekah’s. When the doors pinged open at their destined floor, she breathed a sigh of relief. The lift was getting claustrophobic with all the questions.

As they collectively followed pieces of paper printed with arrows directing them towards the antenatal class, Dawn attempted to lag behind, away from the chatter.

‘I thought it was you.’ A woman appeared beside her.

Dawn looked up for the first time. She was the polar opposite of Dawn. Bleached blonde hair cropped short, immaculate make-up, a maternity wardrobe that was probably by Prada, and a bump so perfectly round it looked more fake than Rebekah’s foam one. There was something familiar about her that she wasn’t able to put a finger on without staring for longer than necessary.

‘It’s Caitlin. We were in college together. Do you remember?’

How could she forget? A cold shiver ran through her as she was taken back to a time she’d spent a decade trying to block out. ‘Wow. It’s the hair. You look so different. I didn’t realise it was you.’ This wasn’t the Caitlin Dawn had known. The Caitlin she knew was mousy brown, chubby in the cheeks and prone to spats of acne on her chin. This Caitlin was a different breed to the one she’d left behind at college. The one she didn’t really want to be reacquainted with. Especially here of all places.

‘College was a long time ago. A lot has changed, although you still look like the Dawn I remember. I knew it was you immediately.’

Dawn wasn’t sure if this was a compliment about keeping her youthful looks or an insult about not changing. Admittedly, her long black hair was always going to make her seem like a goth-loving student. It was pretty clear that, of the two of them, Caitlin was the one who’d blossomed from duckling to swan, whereas Dawn’s sneakers were probably the same ones she’d had in their college days. And what was wrong with that? Vintage was hip. At least it was for a single mother trying to make her way in life.

‘So is this your first?’

It was an innocent enough question. Only an extension of the conversation that had taken place in the lift, but it was more than Dawn was willing to share, taking her back to being seventeen. All the whispers as if they thought she wouldn’t hear, and that was the lecturers mostly. This wasn’t the time or place to confirm those rumours about her leaving college because she was pregnant were true. ‘I’m sorry. I really need to catch up with Rebekah. It was nice seeing you again.’

In a hurry, Dawn caught up with the group who were going single-file into the bare NHS teaching room furnished with only a semi-circle of chairs. Everyone here had that nervous look of not knowing what the future held. She could tell them. It entailed losing rational thoughts in the middle of the night because all you need is goddamn sleep. There would be overwhelming moments when all they knew was love for their child and it only mattered that they were going to be all right. There would be times when they were stripped of every inch of their dignity to the point they would no longer care about the waxing session they didn’t get to. None of those emotions could be explained on an NHS-issued piece of A4 paper. No amount of pep talk could prepare them for what it would really be like. Especially if you ended up having to do it alone.

‘Hi,’ Dawn said, as she caught up with Rebekah and linked arms with her, feeling the need for an anchor. She wasn’t here to make friends, especially not ones she’d said goodbye to in another lifetime. A lot had changed in the time since they were at college, even if Dawn did look the same.

When she nestled in the chair next to Rebekah, Junior decided to start doing a shuffle in her abdomen. They’d – that is, David and Rebekah – decided not to find out the sex of the baby but, secretly, Dawn was pretty sure it was a boy. The pregnancy was going with a similar smoothness to the one she’d had with Archie and she was pretty sure at the last scan she’d spotted a wee willy winky on the screen. Not that she was any kind of expert. It could have been the umbilical cord for all she knew, but there was just that feeling. That sixth sense only a mother would identify with. One that she wanted to share with Rebekah, but she knew David wanted to keep things neutral.

As she stroked her hand over her abdomen, Dawn recognised her brother’s concerns were down to fear. The not wanting to believe it would happen until the baby was here. With Rebekah having suffered so many miscarriages, she understood that reluctance to believe until the baby was real enough to hold. So if he wasn’t prepared to bond until Junior arrived, it wouldn’t hurt if Dawn made up for it by savouring this connection while it lasted.

‘Are you okay?’ Rebekah asked.

Dawn was a thousand miles away. ‘Yes, just wriggler here won’t keep still.’ Plus, an old college friend reminding her that her past wasn’t so far behind her with having never moved out of Owerdale, this part of the New Forest being too scenic for anyone to want to leave, including her. Hopefully, after tonight their paths wouldn’t cross again for another decade.

‘Everyone seems really nice.’ Rebekah smiled, a rosiness to her cheeks giving a glow of pregnancy so convincing it would only be Dawn who knew the truth. It suited her. There was an excitement in Rebekah’s expression she’d not witnessed before. They were on the home straight. She was starting to believe this was really going to happen.

‘Make sure you get their phone numbers. You want to be able to connect with them after this course has finished and everyone has popped their buns out. It’s helpful to have friends in the same situation.’ It wasn’t easy to forget how isolating motherhood was in those early days. When getting out the flat was such a trial it was sometimes easier not to bother.

‘Hi, everyone. My name’s Brian and I’ll be taking today’s class on the bit you’re all worrying about: labour.’

Well, for anyone who wasn’t worried, they would be now. Thanks, Brian. Dawn was trying not to think about that part. It signified the end and yet the beginning. Also, there was the small inconvenience of a shedload of pain, only without the euphoria at the end of it to cancel it out. She was hoping the birth would be quick. Considering her labour with Archie had been less than twelve hours, she was sure this one would pop out like a cork, but she had left it ten years between labours. A speedy delivery would be a suitable reward for having carried Rebekah and David’s baby. She was wishing for that and a bloody good night’s sleep afterwards. And the day after that. And that.

When Brian started to get contraptions out to demonstrate how forceps and ventouse worked, Dawn’s squeamish nature turned away from the talk.

Caitlin’s stare pierced through her. She was looking right at her and yet beyond her at the same time. It was freaky.

Dawn turned her attention back to the talk, knowing there was nowhere to hide. Was it possible Caitlin knew more about what had happened than she thought? She couldn’t. That was impossible.

‘Time for a tea break,’ Brian said. ‘I can see you’re all glazing over and this is a late night out for you mummies-to-be.’

‘Wow. That was a lot of information,’ Rebekah said, her cheeks flushed with enthusiasm. Either that or the foam suit might be a bit much to wear for an entire hot spring evening. ‘Do you still think you’re going to go for a natural birth?’

Dawn chanced a glance in Caitlin’s direction. The odd gaze in her expression was gone and she was now chatting to the man she was here with. Dawn was imagining things. She concentrated on Rebekah and her question like she should be doing. ‘If everything goes to plan.’ She was hoping it would all be natural. She’d managed it with Archie.

‘Do you think it will go to plan?’ Rebekah said.

This was one of those eggshell moments. The ones she tried to avoid for the sake of Rebekah and David. They’d had so much heartache already, they needed to have a happy ending this time. She needed to give that to them. ‘We’re in the best hands the NHS can provide. Of course it will. And if it doesn’t, we’ll have all the help we need to get Junior out.’ If she ended up needing a C-section, she didn’t care. All that mattered was that the baby came out safely.

‘I’m going to go and get that lady’s phone number like you suggested.’ Rebekah stood with more ease than Dawn would be able to muster after sitting for the best part of an hour. ‘See you in a minute.’

Dawn’s inability to move at any speed left her vulnerable. She didn’t want to be a sitting duck for conversations she didn’t want to have. Summoning the ability to get out of the chair, she went to go and collect leaflets she didn’t really want or need in an effort to occupy herself. It didn’t stop what she was trying to avoid from happening though.

Caitlin caught her arm to grab her attention. ‘We should get together once we’ve had our little ones. It’ll be like the old days although under very different circumstances.’

‘Erm…’ was all Dawn managed to squeeze out in way of protest. She wasn’t having a baby. She might be pregnant, but Junior wasn’t hers.

‘Here’s my card.’ Caitlin dished one out to her even though she hadn’t managed a full response.

Dawn took it. ‘That would be nice.’ She said it like she meant it, because, in truth, there was a part of her that missed her old friend. She’d not wanted to walk away from their friendship in the way she’d had to. If they did meet up she could explain about the surrogacy then, to save blowing Rebekah’s cover now. And maybe she would tell her about Archie.

‘Holy Mother of God. There was no way that was Braxton-Hicks,’ Caitlin said in a burst, grabbing the arm of the man she was with. ‘Fuck. You’ve done this before. How do you know when it’s actually started?’

Dawn hesitated in her answer. It would be a pretty cheap trick if it was a way of getting her to confess about the past, but there was no point in keeping it a secret if she already knew. ‘You know. And if you’re not sure, your body will let you know soon enough. So do you think you’re in labour?’

‘Yes, I knew it was more than backache, Karl,’ Caitlin chastised the man she was gripping tightly. From their wedding bands, Dawn guessed it must be her husband.

‘Maybe you should talk to Brian? He’ll be able to advise you.’ As there was a qualified midwife in the room, he seemed like the sensible person to turn to.

‘Get him over here,’ Caitlin yelped to her husband.

Karl, pale and silent, did exactly as Caitlin told him to. As Brian arrived, there was a pop followed by a gush. The shiny puddle that formed was the clearest confirmation they were going to get. Only the fluid from Caitlin’s waters wasn’t as clear as it should be.


Chapter 2 (#ulink_dfb8ee79-1610-58b3-b267-2089068d0da1)

Owerdale Primary School was in the most picturesque setting possible. Owerdale itself was on the east edge of the New Forest with a steady and settled population that was bolstered by tourists during the sunnier months.

The school was part of the hub of Owerdale town, but it backed on to nothing more than the forest and required cattle grids to stop the New Forest ponies from trying to attend classes.

Having lived in Owerdale all her life, Dawn had attended the school herself as a youngster and it was fair to say not much had changed. Often it felt like she hadn’t either.

But the teaching assistant job she’d managed to get there was a blessing. It was perfect at a time when she needed to fit everything in with being Archie’s mum. He required more than the average parent would have to provide, which was why she never planned to have another. That was until it was someone else’s. Being the bearer of a baby rather than the owner didn’t seem too bad a prospect, especially when it meant helping David and Rebekah, the people who meant most to her.

Although, underneath that veneer of wanting to help, she also knew this might be the only chance she ever got to get out of this rut she was in. The school might be set in some of the best scenery possible, but that didn’t stop Dawn from wanting a change. To try and at long last start to make an income from her passion. Her artistic skills were getting a little lost on display boards no one was paying any attention to.

The staffroom Dawn was waiting in could have done with a display board or two. Empty, it was a cavernous cave of eerie calm. Dawn was so used to being here only at lunch times when it was bustling, the space seemed at odds with itself now it was just her.

‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ Jane said as she entered. Always apologising that one, even when she didn’t need to.

‘It’s okay. I didn’t mind waiting even if it is creepy in here when everyone else is in class.’

‘Yeah, looks kind of messy as well.’ The L-shaped staffroom was a sadly neglected space.

Dawn wasn’t going to miss it. The people, yes. Maybe even some of the pupils themselves, but not the place. And as it was only temporary, she’d be back before she knew it.

‘What do you need to know?’ Dawn said. It was her last day as Jane’s teaching assistant, but they were also best friends. So sometimes these supervisory meetings were a bit strained. Fortunately, she’d never put Jane in a position where she had to tell her off. But parting ways for a while was going to be hard, even if they would still be in touch.

‘Nothing. I don’t really need to do an exit interview. You’re not leaving. You’re coming back as soon as your maternity leave is over.’

That was the plan. ‘So what are we doing here?’ The deputy head was covering their class so they weren’t here on a jolly.

‘I’m sorry. I know you said you didn’t want a fuss or anything.’

‘But?’ Dawn should have known she wouldn’t be able to leave quietly. Just as long as the rest of the school staff weren’t hiding in the overflowing litter bin. Did they ever get a cleaner in here?

‘I couldn’t let you leave without doing something.’

‘I told you there was no need. The only thing I want you to do is remember I’m the best TA you’re ever going to have so don’t get attached to my temporary replacement.’

‘I know that’s what you said, but it doesn’t mean I agree. You do deserve something nice by way of a send-off.’

In a normal set of circumstances, it would be a baby shower with gifts to help over the first six months, but there was nothing usual about Dawn’s departure. ‘I’ll settle for the chance to follow my dream.’

‘Well, that, plus you’re helping David and Rebekah achieve theirs and I know the usual gifts don’t apply, so I sorted an unusual one.’

Jane went over to a hidden corner and left Dawn wondering how many people could hide in this room without being noticed. If anyone sprang out from behind a cushion she would box their ears, even if she was hindered by being full-term and at the point she would give birth any day.

‘It’s a bit big.’ Jane lugged over a wrapped present peeking out from a black sack. ‘I figure you won’t want to open it here. I’ll give you a hand with getting it home.’

‘What is it?’

‘You’ll have to wait and find out when you open it. I suggest you choose a moment when you’re missing us. Or more specifically me.’

‘I’m not going to get the chance to, am I?’ Jane was going to be walking Archie to and from school and they were planning to restart their regular weekly wine and pistachio night as soon as possible.

‘We’ll miss you and you’ll miss us. The school won’t be the same without you about. Who’s going to keep us all in check now?’

‘No one, judging by the mess in this staffroom.’

The bell for the end of school rang and it was like the whole of Owerdale Primary School let out a sigh of relief.

‘Come on. Let’s go find Archie.’

As always, ten-year-old Archie was waiting inside the classroom with his teacher until Dawn arrived. It was one thing she would miss about being here: the security of knowing her son was okay and being looked after. Not that that wouldn’t happen while she was away, but being on site helped if she was ever needed.

His teacher, Ms Clayton, smiled broadly at their arrival, Archie busy at his desk, drawing away. ‘Last day then, Dawn?’

‘Yes. Jane will be doing the school run until the summer to give me a chance to rest and recover.’ Dawn was due to give birth a few weeks ahead of the school breaking up for the summer holidays.

‘It’s such a wonderful thing you’re doing.’ Ms Clayton beamed at her like a halo had appeared above her head for the saintly act she was carrying out.

‘I’m sure lots of other people would do it in my position.’ It was the standard answer she was dishing out to everyone who was looking at her with awe.

‘Well, we look forward to your return.’

‘Thank you. Come on, Archie.’ Dawn prompted her son before she was asked questions about what she was up to and when she would be back. It would ruin her saintly aura if anyone at the school other than Jane knew she might be doing this for her own benefit to try and start making money from her artistic skills as well as helping her brother and sister-in-law.

Dawn’s pace was slower than Archie and Jane’s. It was part of the reason her friend had offered to start doing the school run with them, that and getting Archie accustomed to it being someone other than his mum taking him to and from school.

At the lamp post they paused, waiting for Dawn to catch up. It was a system she’d been using for years to get her son to slow down and stay out of danger.

‘What is in that bag?’ Dawn asked.

The present Jane was lugging to the flat was a tad cumbersome. Without opening it, at a guess it was maybe a pillow. She just hoped someone hadn’t brought a breastfeeding one by mistake.

‘I told you. Open it when you’re missing us. Whenever that might be.’

‘I don’t think that’ll be too long. I’m not going to know what to do with the spare time on my hands.’ There was plenty she needed to do, starting off with the art portfolio she was going to put together for the tattoo artist apprenticeship she was due to start in September. But even that might not be enough to keep her busy.

‘How did the antenatal class go with Rebekah?’

‘The fake bump did the trick.’ Dawn had returned the prop to its storage. ‘I just hope Rebekah and David start to get a bit more prepared.’ They were leaving everything as close to the due date as possible and it was making her twitchy.

‘They still haven’t brought anything then?’

‘Not yet. This weekend, apparently. I was going to tell you – the class ended with a bit of drama. Do you remember Caitlin Matthews from college?’

Jane nodded.

‘She was there and she went into labour during the class. Her waters broke and everything.’

‘Woah. Was she all right? Did she have the baby at the class?’

‘I don’t know how it turned out. Her waters broke, but they weren’t clear. It all became a bit urgent after that and the midwife whisked her away to the labour ward. I’ve no idea what the outcome was.’

‘Oh, you don’t think…?’

A worrying chill ran down Dawn’s back. She didn’t like to think about it. Especially with the precious cargo she was carrying. ‘She gave me her card with her phone number. I don’t know whether to contact her.’

‘Of course you should. If she’s a new mummy she’ll want the support and if something did go wrong, well, it’s not like you’ll have a baby to tout in her face. You’d be able to empathise with her on some level.’

‘I guess so. I’ll send her a text in a few days.’ Dawn wasn’t keen to rekindle any old college connections, especially ones that so closely connected her past with her present, but there was an instinct within wanting to know if the dramatic events in that class had turned out okay. ‘Archie, wait at the lamp post.’ Her son was too busy studying cracks in the pavement to notice he’d passed his stopping point.

‘I’m counting,’ he said, his brown head of curls not moving from the task. Normally this would be the point she’d run to catch up with him, but that was pretty much impossible now without inducing labour.

‘Look where you’re going, Archie,’ Dawn said.

Jane caught on to Dawn’s concern and managed a hop skip and a jump to be by his side. ‘You missed the lamp post, Archie. You’ll be walking into the road if you keep going.’

‘I’m counting the cracks.’

‘But we need to slow down for Mummy today. She can’t keep up with us at the moment, can she?’

Archie peered up from his task for the first time. ‘That’s not my fault.’ He said it with such spite it made Dawn sad, but he was right – it wasn’t his fault. He was having a hard time reasoning through the whole process, which was understandable. He turned his gaze back to the pavement and continued his march towards the road.

Jane kept parallel with him, hoping, as Dawn was, that he’d have the good sense to stop as soon as he reached the kerb. When he didn’t, Jane used the very-likely-a-cushion gift to act as a stopping mechanism. Its presence thankfully stopped him in his tracks.

No easy task when it came to dealing with a ten-year-old so blinkered in his actions he wasn’t able to recognise the dangers around him. It concerned Dawn that his awareness of the world hadn’t developed any more than when he was a toddler. She was lucky to have Jane who was so good with him and knew not to cross certain boundaries.

‘I want to count.’

‘We’ll carry on counting across the road,’ Jane said.

Archie’s fists were balls of frustration. The changes in his routine were already proving to be problematic. Thank goodness Dawn would only be out of action for a few weeks and not have another child in tow permanently. She was pretty certain Archie would have a really hard time adjusting to not being her only priority.

‘I want to count,’ Archie twitched, not able to keep his annoyance inside.

Dawn caught up, feeling slightly out of breath. Her lung capacity was definitely being impeded by her tight bump.

‘Count until you’re calm again,’ Dawn instructed Archie, knowing it would take him a minute or two to wind down.

They stood there for a bit like lemons until Archie was ready to concentrate on the task of crossing the road. If this was how Archie was reacting at the point she was still here, she wasn’t sure how it would be when she wasn’t. But she would find out soon enough as Jane had also offered to take him on his weekly trip to the zoo on Saturday. There was nothing like going in at the deep end when it came to testing the water.


Chapter 3 (#ulink_c84920b3-5ee7-5ecc-9f31-91d566a78dbb)

By the time the weekend arrived, Dawn was a little sad to have her first free Saturday in eons taken up with a task that wasn’t hers. Still, it didn’t seem quite so bad all the time she was lying on a comfy John Lewis bed, pretending to test it out.

During the brief respite, she did what she’d been avoiding and texted Caitlin. She didn’t really want to. It was a life she’d left behind. But it was their shared history that was making Dawn care. Distant as those memories were, she couldn’t forget the friendship they’d had and what it had led to.

It was those thoughts that gave her enough courage. It was a quick enquiry as regards the baby’s health and hers.

‘Should we get one of those nests, do you think? You know. The type that sits next to the bed. Or will a Moses basket be okay to start off with?’ Rebekah got comfy next to Dawn. ‘Are you okay? Is this getting a bit much?’

What? The one hundred and fifty-eight questions you’ve asked me since we came out? Nah, course not. The private thought amused Dawn, but it wasn’t one she’d say out loud. Even if her patience was wearing thin, she knew David and Rebekah only wanted to get things right and it was only because they were so worried that they’d waited until this late in the pregnancy to purchase their entire baby shopping list. ‘The walking’s just getting a bit much and it’s tired me out. If you two don’t mind, I think I might go and have a drink and get the weight off my feet.’

David, his colouring the same as Dawn’s, wheeled their full trolley over. ‘Don’t tell me you two are having a snooze. We’ve still got half the list to go.’

‘Dawn needs a rest. As would you if you were a few weeks off giving birth. Time to go for a coffee.’ Rebekah got up to link her arm round David’s waist.

‘But what am I going to do with this lot?’ David said, clearly distressed at the thought of having to abandon his trolley and start again.

‘Don’t stop on my account. You two carry on and I’ll give you a ring when I’ve recovered and can come meet you again.’ Dawn was hoping for some respite as well as rest. And the chance to eat something that wasn’t nutritionally balanced. She wasn’t sure she would be able to chomp into a chocolate muffin with the same vigour if prying eyes were judging the diet she was feeding their child. Not that they would judge like that; it was just sometimes the pressure of growing someone else’s kid made her worry more than she had with her own pregnancy.

‘If you’re sure?’ Rebekah said, giving Dawn the look of concern she received with every ache or pain she mentioned.

‘Absolutely. In fact, I’ll just go to the restaurant upstairs. Hardly any walking involved that way and when you’ve finished your list you can come and join me.’

The lift was just a short stroll away and Dawn offered the couple a wave as she got in, knowing they were waiting to check she was okay.

It was beginning to feel a tad claustrophobic. Not in the lift, the lift was fine, but the responsibility of these final days. The three of them had lost the easy rapport that existed between them with the pressure this pregnancy had brought.

Dawn was hoping to spend this next couple of weeks blubbing at Jeremy Kyle episodes (because her hormones were ensuring she cried at the silliest of things) and doing a few things around the flat with Archie not about. This was going to be the first time since she’d started working at the school that she’d been off, but not because she was sick, so she could justify fixing the curtain pole and spring cleaning all of Archie’s toys without him realising she’d moved them.

So far, she’d got nothing done other than helping Rebekah and David prepare for Junior. It wasn’t that she minded, but there was a point at which she needed to be able to walk away. Her responsibilities towards this child had to end, so being involved with the process of selecting every item required for their early months wasn’t helping her situation.

Decaf tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with her feet up helped ease her worries marginally. This might not be her son or daughter, but it was her niece or nephew. She was only providing the level of advice she would if it were Rebekah carrying the baby to full-term. It was just the hormones making her concerns swish about like the cocktail she was craving.

Dawn’s phone rang from inside her handbag. No doubt another question. What brand of steriliser should they go for, or perhaps a pushchair was throwing them into a dilemma over whether they owned the right car?

It wasn’t a number Dawn recognised and, for a moment, she panicked about Jane having issues with Archie. ‘Hello?’

‘Hi, is that Dawn? It’s Caitlin.’

Of course it was Caitlin. How come Dawn’s scatty, hormone-filled brain hadn’t recognised the number she’d tapped into the phone less than an hour before? Perhaps for some reason it was because she’d only expected a text in response and now here they were talking to each other. ‘Hi. I just wanted to find out how you are?’ Despite wanting to brush this reunion under the carpet, she wanted to know what had happened after the drama at their antenatal class.

‘We’re fine. Thank you for asking. I’m so glad you got in touch. Have you popped yet?’

‘No, not yet. So, did everything go okay?’ Dawn forked a piece of lemon cake into her mouth, too hungry to wait.

‘Yes, they ended up doing a C-section after Buddy started showing signs of distress, but once he was out everything was fine.’

Dawn heard Caitlin yawn down the phone. ‘Tiring start, then?’ No doubt that was the understatement of the week.

‘You’ll be in the same situation soon. These sleepless nights mean you won’t be able to put together a coherent sentence for a while, let alone anything else.’

‘I know.’ She didn’t want to talk about Archie or Junior or anything else. She only wanted to know if Caitlin was okay.

‘That’s why we need to get together and have a catch-up. I thought we could get together next Saturday if you haven’t popped by then. How about it?’

Dawn stopped fingering the crumbs off her plate. ‘We’re busy on Saturday. We always go to the zoo.’ She said it automatically. It was their usual routine and Archie needed the structure their week provided.

‘Great. That would be the perfect place to meet up. I was looking into getting an annual pass as some of my friends mentioned it would be well worth the money while I’m on maternity leave. I might as well get one and that can be our regular hangout.’

Regular hangout. There would be no mother and baby gatherings in Dawn’s future and she needed to explain why. She just wasn’t sure how.

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Not until after I’ve had the baby.’

‘Well, in that case, contact me once you’ve given birth. We’ll organise something then.’

With any luck, Caitlin would forget about any idea of a happy reunion and she wouldn’t ever have to.

When the phone call was over, and with David and Rebekah nowhere in sight, Dawn decided the only thing for it was a second slice of cake. It would help rid her of the sense of dread filling her stomach. Telling Caitlin she was a surrogate would be simple. It was clearing up the past that would be problematic.


Chapter 4 (#ulink_b22e196b-8c40-5855-abd6-2f9e6f7ce82f)

The following Saturday, like most others, was a tranquil sea of calm. Dawn relished them. Because Archie was so desperate to go to the zoo, he always behaved impeccably over breakfast. He was up and dressed and raring to go with none of the school-day struggles.

She’d wondered whether she would make it to today, but Junior was showing no signs of shifting. The week had seen her achieve at least two tasks from her things to do list and Rebekah and David had been too busy installing everything they’d purchased to hassle her too much other than the daily question of: Any sign of Junior yet?

It meant today was as calm as it could be. As soon as they got there they both took up residence in their usual spots. Archie, with his notepad, sat cross-legged on the ground and, even though it looked uncomfortable, he wouldn’t move from that spot for the next hour. The bench she parked her oversized derriere on couldn’t be much more comfortable than the ground, not that she’d tried sitting like Archie. If she did she would never get up. If her memory served her right, this bench had always been this hard against her bum. Or it could be the fact she had two-fifths of a baby’s head engaged in her pelvis, whatever that meant. When she’d been pregnant with Archie she was still in shock and too young to understand some of the medical talk. This time she was paying more attention, but it still baffled her.

Dawn tilted her pelvis back attempting to get more comfortable, but not really succeeding. She really did need to start bringing some cushions for both of them. Taking her sketchpad from her handbag, she tried to relax.

When they’d first come here and started doing this, Dawn would try to join in and help Archie. He liked to do a headcount of all the meerkat family to check they were all okay and, as the weeks went on, he was able to pick out each of the members individually whereas she was unable to tell the difference. Every meerkat looked the same to her. So when Dawn mistook Geoffrey for Elvis the upset made her realise this was Archie’s thing. Something for him just to appreciate and adore at a level she would be hard-pushed to follow.

So the weekend after the Geoffrey is not Elvis saga, Dawn took a step back. She watched from the bench just across from him. He did his headcount of the family as usual, then took a note of each of them, meticulously keeping a record of what each meerkat was up to that particular Saturday. At the end of Archie’s study, he would come to her and file away his findings in her handbag, ready for the next week. It was an altogether happier arrangement for both of them and, as the weeks went on, Dawn felt reassured enough to bring her sketchpad along to jot down rough designs and ideas so they were both occupied.

Glancing over at him now, his gangly limbs similar to her own, Dawn could tell he was making a note of which meerkats had eaten, who’d scrapped with who and who’d taken their turn at lookout. She doubted the zoo kept such thorough records as the ones her son did. If they were ever in need of a backup, the bookcase of notepads Archie had would certainly help.

Someone sat next to her on the bench. Why was it, when the zoo was full of places to sit, someone would choose to come and park next to her?

‘Not popped yet, then?’

Dawn turned to see who was talking. It was Caitlin, her husband in the distance, rocking their pram.

‘You can’t be here.’ The words escaped before she was able to stop them. She didn’t want to connect the past with the present. There were good reasons for keeping Archie’s father a secret and she didn’t want to introduce anyone who might connect the dots.

‘Pardon?’

‘Sorry.’ She’d not meant to come across as rude. ‘It’s just my son has a hard time meeting new people and being out of routine.’

Dawn watched Caitlin catch sight of Archie in the distance, just as Dawn had easily spotted Caitlin’s husband.

‘Should I go?’

‘He just needs his routine.’ Dawn didn’t know how to explain it without giving an actual demonstration of why it was best to stick to Archie’s boundaries.

‘I’ll go then.’

This wasn’t how she’d wanted this to happen, but then she’d been caught unawares. She should never have mentioned the fact they came to the zoo. ‘He’s normally better if he knows when he’s going to meet new people. Maybe after the baby we can sort something out.’

Out of the corner of Dawn’s eye she saw Archie stop his note-taking to get up and speak to the keeper, contradicting everything she was saying about meeting new people.

‘I’ll be in touch another time, then?’ Caitlin got up to leave.

‘Another time,’ Dawn said, too distracted by Archie’s interaction with someone she didn’t know to focus on any goodbyes with Caitlin.

The keeper was new. This was only the third time she’d seen him and, for all her talk of him not taking to change, Archie appeared to be happily chatting to this guy. Caitlin would think she’d made up what she’d said as an excuse.

She hoped she hadn’t come across as rude. She was too busy concentrating on Archie as he had a tic. It was all it took for her to know he might be irritated and any second now she might have to intervene. Archie freaking out was never a pretty sight.

Somehow, rather than go into meltdown, Archie was now opening his notepad and showing the keeper, obviously giving him a rundown of everything he needed to know. If Archie was happy to share his notes, the keeper was likely to be stuck there for some time.

Dawn attempted to get back to the sketch she hadn’t started, but really she was keeping a close eye on what was happening. Archie was pointing into the enclosure, then referring to his book, the keeper concentrating on every detail. The knowledge Archie was sharing was as in-depth as any zoologist’s. She was glad to see someone might be finding that information useful.

Archie was only halfway through the notebook and, as he seemed so happy with a captivated audience, it would be a shame to ruin the moment, so she left them to it for a while longer.

As the bench became more and more uncomfortable, Dawn decided to get up for a stretch and waddled in Archie’s direction to check he was okay. Or if the keeper needed to escape.

‘Gosh, that bench is uncomfortable,’ Dawn said, as a way of interrupting their chatter.

‘This is my mum,’ Archie introduced her. ‘She can’t tell who any of them are.’

‘Well, it is pretty complicated. Hi there!’ The keeper waved. He must have been around forty and was a tad old to be sporting dreadlocks, but he seemed friendly enough.

‘Mum is going to have a baby, but we can’t keep it.’

It was nice to know her son was as eloquent as ever. ‘My name’s Dawn,’ she said, somehow preferring her version of introductions.

‘Hello, Dawn. I’m Joel, and so far I can tell you who Elvis and Evelyn are. You’ll have to give me a bit longer to figure out the rest.’

‘He’s going to photocopy my notes if that’s okay, Mum?’

‘Of course.’ It was nice to think that Archie’s obsession would actually be useful for someone.

It was only the following day, when they were heading to David and Rebekah’s house for Sunday lunch, that she realised it was the first time Archie had initiated communication with someone off his own back. People would often talk to him, but that didn’t mean he would ever reply, not without a lot of persuasion over several meetings. It was refreshing to think it had happened without her intervention.

When they arrived Rebekah embraced Dawn and held on to her for longer than was comfortable, but she got that it wasn’t just her she was hugging. ‘Any signs that today’s the day?’

‘Nope. Honestly, I’ll let you know as soon as I have the slightest suspicion.’

‘Hey, sis,’ David greeted her from the kitchen where he was putting the finishing touches to dinner. Roast beef if her sense of smell was anything to go by. That was one bonus of her current status. Most of the time it was her cooking their Sunday roasts while Archie saw to his pet, Norman the tarantula. It was always David and Rebekah coming to their flat, but the more pregnant she became, the more they realised she needed a rest rather than cooking dinner for all four of them. So, with gentle persuasion, Archie had allowed a change of venue until the baby arrived.

‘The nursery is finished now. Do you want to come and see?’

Archie wouldn’t be interested, so Dawn sent him off to be entertained by Uncle David while she followed Rebekah up the stairs. The house was semi-detached with four bedrooms, so they had ample space for an extra addition. The house was pristine and in every empty corner there seemed to be a sense of waiting. Wanting, even.

‘We’re pretty much finished. Obviously Junior will be in with us at first, but I’ve got a fold-out bed for the nursery if I need it for when David goes back to work.’

In the nursery everything was perfect. They’d gone with a jungle theme so it was stone-coloured walls with those clever stickers that meant colour was added in moments. There were giraffes and lions and everything matched. The curtain material, the bed lining, even the nappy bin, were adorned with a sticker to fit in with the rest of the furniture.

It wasn’t anything like how it had been when Archie arrived. After securing the flat, it was David who’d sourced all the second-hand furniture and non-matching fittings. It was flung together rather than planned like this space was.

Dawn wanted to look in the wardrobe. She wanted to admire the tiny neutral outfits she knew were waiting in there, but just seeing the room was enough to know this child was so wanted and would be so loved.

It was nice to see that, now the day was nearly upon them, they were starting to embrace the idea of parenthood being only a few steps away. And it was hard to see how much better off this little one would be compared to all the second-hand stuff she’d always needed to get Archie. But then this wasn’t just about fulfilling Rebekah and David’s dream; it was also giving her the chance to achieve her own. With the maternity leave she was entitled to, she would have the opportunity to turn her artistic skills into a more practical job. Her artwork had been spotted by the local tattoo artist and he’d offered her an unpaid apprenticeship, one she never thought she would be able to take advantage of. But for once in life the planets seemed to have aligned, and helping out her brother was allowing her the chance to do the training. She was hoping to bolster her TA wage with some extra part-time work once she was finished. If it all worked out well, hopefully, in the end, it would provide a better future for her son. She just needed to work out if it was the right thing for her.


Chapter 5 (#ulink_5bf04bb2-40c3-5414-8acc-9de322df0139)

When the time came it was too soon. Not in the sense the baby was early; it was just Dawn wasn’t ready. She’d always known the baby wasn’t hers, but that didn’t make the fact that goodbye had arrived any easier. Her hospital bag might be packed, but there was no Moses basket set up to welcome the baby to her home. It might have been wrong, but she let another wave of contractions go by with her mobile phone still gripped in her hand. She needed to call Rebekah and David to let them know the time had come, but for now she wanted to take a moment. Right now, the baby was hers. This connection they’d shared was still real. It still existed and Dawn wanted to embrace it for a moment longer without anyone else knowing.

As soon as she made the call it would signal goodbye to this intimacy they’d shared. There’d be no more quiet moments when she would caress her bump or enjoy a flutter of movement. In theory, the baby remained hers until the umbilical cord was cut, but this whole process was for the benefit of her brother and sister-in-law and, as soon as she rang them, there would be no more moments like this. It was hard to admit she was more attached than she ever thought she would be.

‘Arghh.’ Dawn let out a yelp. This contraction was stronger than the last, Mother Nature moving the process forward even when she was willing her to give them a little more time together. It was a good job Archie was at school so he didn’t have to worry about why his mother was writhing around in agony.

Mid-contraction, Dawn managed to tap out a text to her brother: Baby time!! It seemed the most inadequate way to let him know he was soon to become a father, but currently she was not able to form sentences, so it would have to do.

After that, she let Jane know so she would look after Archie for her. By the time all three of them arrived at the hospital, Dawn was at the point where she wasn't able to walk comfortably so she was wheeled in at speed.

‘What can I do for you?’ Rebekah asked as they were deposited into one of the labour rooms.

It was a simple enough question, but at this point in time it made Dawn want to cry. It signified the end of her journey as mother to this nearly newborn. ‘Go and find a midwife. Tell her I need some pain relief.’

‘I’ll go ask,’ David said. He was hovering by the doorway, not quite banned from the room yet.

‘Anything else?’ Rebekah asked, her smoky-blue eyes full of panic.

She was too close for Dawn’s liking. So, not wanting to actually ask her to back off, she got up from the chair and paced around the room, hoping to speed this part up. Another contraction stopped her in her tracks so she leant her hands on the bed, breathing through the pain that was overtaking her ability to function.

‘Can I rub your back? Will that help?’ Rebekah hovered over Dawn once more. She was only trying to be helpful. This was her labour. The one she’d never successfully reached herself.

Dawn shook her head. ‘No, it’s easing off now.’ She straightened up and started pacing again. ‘I’d just like to know how far dilated I am. Hopefully it won’t be too long and you’ll meet your little fella.’

Rebekah stopped shadowing Dawn, staying still for the first time since they’d arrived. ‘It’s a boy?’

The pain started to ramp up again and Dawn wasn’t able to dig herself out of the hole she’d dug. She hadn’t meant to let slip the fact she thought she knew the sex of the baby. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’ Another contraction took hold.

‘So it’s just a guess? You don’t know for sure?’

Dawn was tempted to take up the offer of a back rub by way of diversion. She didn’t want to spoil the surprise. After all, she might not be right about what she thought she’d seen when they’d scanned all those weeks ago.

‘No, it’s just an instinct. A sixth sense. Don’t ask me why. I’ve just always thought it was a boy.’

‘Mother’s instinct.’ There was a sadness in Rebekah’s voice that made Dawn worry. This should be a day of jubilation for them, not one where she counted her inadequacies.

‘You’re the only one becoming a mother today and those instincts will kick in as soon as you have this baby in your arms.’ Dawn wasn’t sure if those facts needed pointing out, but certainly it wasn’t a time for Rebekah to go melancholic over not being the one in labour.

‘I know. I’ve waited a very long time for today. I just can’t believe it’s finally here. Somehow it doesn’t feel real.’

‘Oh, it’s real all right. And it fucking hurts. I can start squeezing your hand if that will help bring it home that you’re not dreaming.’

‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’

Dawn smiled at Rebekah’s eagerness to get it right. It was like some kind of extreme first date. ‘Not yet. Maybe later.’

‘I’m glad it’s a boy. I always wanted to know beforehand. It was David that didn’t. I think, by keeping the baby as neutral, there was less chance of getting hurt. It’s been so hard to believe we’d get this far even with you being surrogate. We never thought we’d get to this day.’

Dawn understood that caution. She’d been witness to the grief they’d suffered having gone through the ordeal of five lost pregnancies, none of them reaching the point where they would have been able to discover if it was a girl or a boy.

‘How are we getting on here?’ A cheery midwife entered the room with David in tow.

‘My contractions are pretty close. We can’t be far off.’ Dawn was over wanting to stroll around the room. She was getting to the point she wanted to push this baby out.

‘Fabulous. Well, I’m Melanie and I see from your notes that you’re the surrogate mum, so this must be the expectant mummy.’ Melanie smiled at Rebekah and they carried out introductions of who was who in this little triangle. ‘Well, it looks like I’m going to be your midwife if things are close. Do you want to pop up on the bed and we’ll take a look at how things are progressing?’

‘I’ll just be outside,’ David said, looking like he didn’t know what to do with himself.

‘You can just pop up the head end,’ Melanie suggested. ‘You won’t see anything if you keep your eyes averted.’

David’s gaze fell on Rebekah. They both looked like fish out of water, neither of them certain what to expect.

‘You can go at the head end, but no looking anywhere you shouldn’t,’ Dawn said. She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought about the fact the couple would need to be together during one of the most important moments of their life. She’d made the decision about her brother not being in the room early on, worried he would catch a glimpse of something she’d rather he didn’t. But at this moment, she realised it wasn’t about her dignity; it was about Rebekah and David becoming parents. They should both be in the room when it came to the main event.

Between contractions, Melanie managed to examine Dawn with a sheet keeping everything hidden. ‘Fully dilated, I’m glad to report. Let’s sort you out with some gas and air and I’d say we’re ready to go.’

‘Good.’ Because it really bloody hurt and Dawn was more than ready to start pushing. She writhed about with the agony of the next contraction before snatching the gas and air as soon as it was passed her way.

‘I should go,’ David said, starting to head out before things got messy.

‘Push,’ Melanie said, with the next contraction arriving.

‘No,’ Dawn said, only able to say one syllable.

‘You need to push, sweetheart. Baby’s ready to arrive.’ Melanie was trying to be helpful, encouraging, but she had the wrong end of the stick.

‘Stay.’ Dawn looked at her brother, wanting him to develop twin telepathy so she didn’t need to explain while having to push. He hadn’t left the room so that was enough to allow her to bear down and clench every available muscle in order to get the baby out.

Only once Dawn’s face relaxed again did David manage to speak.

‘I thought you didn’t want me in here. I don’t expect you to change your mind.’

Not being in a position to have a full-on conversation about it, Dawn resorted to barking instructions instead. ‘Go. Stand. Over. There.’ She pointed towards Rebekah before every muscle in her body racked up towards another push.

Feeling the need to be on all fours, she turned with some effort, and assistance from Melanie and Rebekah to keep her dignity. ‘You two need to be together for this. Only Rebekah is permitted to look down the business end, though,’ she managed to instruct between contractions.

Rebekah and David embraced, both smiling for the first time since they’d arrived. The time was almost upon them.

Leaving them to it, Dawn inhaled again on the gas and air, the pain becoming more intense with each contraction.

‘Right, we’re nearly there,’ Melanie informed her. ‘A few more pushes should do it.’

Dawn lost count of exactly how many waves of pain she endured after those words had been spoken, but they came quickly and all too soon it was over. That intense agony of having several pounds pass through a space that seemed way too small was done; the amazing miracle that was giving birth.

Dawn collapsed into the pillow. Having a baby on all fours was not the most dignified of poses, but it meant she didn’t have to look. She didn’t want to cast an eye straight away and fall in love. That was to be a moment for David and Rebekah. The baby started mewing.

‘It’s a boy. Anyone want to cut the cord?’ Melanie offered.

‘I will,’ Rebekah said, and somehow it seemed right she should be the one to do it. After all, the baby was her DNA and this act would signify the transfer of responsibility.

‘Take your shirt off,’ Dawn heard Melanie say.

Skin-to-skin time. The first stage of bonding. And it would be for Rebekah’s benefit as much as the baby.

As the baby’s crying continued, Dawn’s every instinct wanted to respond, but she counted to ten before she braved lifting her head from the pillow.

It was her brother with his shirt off, not Rebekah like Dawn had thought. He was caressing their creation in his arms and the sight was enough to drive her to tears.

‘Hi, little guy, I’m your daddy.’ There in David’s eyes was the moment they’d all been working on. It was clear to see the instant love that was forming. Rebekah’s gaze was just as taken with the newborn in the room.

‘This is your mummy.’ He moved the baby cautiously so Rebekah would be in his eye line even if she would be nothing more than a blurry outline as his eyes adjusted to the world. ‘And this is your very special auntie. Thank you, sis. Nothing we can ever say will cover this.’ David’s eyes glistened with tears.

It was enough for Dawn’s own to burst through. ‘Hi, baby nephew.’ She managed to smile through the tears, knowing how privileged they all were to be in this moment. Then a final contraction ripped through her body to remove the organ that had connected them all on this journey.


Chapter 6 (#ulink_266c9ab6-e8a0-5fd7-8b1a-4591cd89a323)

It was three days later that Dawn started losing it. With the birth having gone smoothly they discharged her less than twenty-four hours later. She was glad to be out of the hospital, but being at home sucked pretty badly as well. After Archie was up in bed, she sat in front of the telly with trashy programmes and an absurd amount of yummy things that would normally have helped cheer her up.

There were some of the supermarket’s finest blue cheeses and liver paté spread on crackers waiting to be munched; a chilled glass of wine and a divine platter of seafood calling to be devoured – all the foods she’d been deprived of for the past nine months and had regularly craved during her pregnancy. She’d daydreamed about this moment throughout, the day she would have her body back and enjoy herself once more.

Only the cheese tasted too rank and the wine too bitter. It wasn’t the perfect moment she’d been after. She wanted it as a celebratory slap on the back. Her own “well done, you’re bloody amazing” moment.

Instead she was still raw with hurt. There was something so cruel about having to waddle around with a maternity pad between her legs without a baby against her bosom. It was a selfish thought, knowing her predicament was one that had brought joy, not the sorrow others might suffer. And she’d known this was coming. She’d had time to prepare for the void that was filling her, but sitting here with her expensive cheese and dry crackers it was a recipe for feeling sorry for herself.

Storage Wars seemed like a pretty safe bet TV-viewing wise, but then they cracked open a unit containing what could only be described as a mother’s treasure chest, the objects of childhood only a parent would hold dear: medals, drawings, photos, items of clothing. In their montage they knew nothing about the previous owner of the locker, but surmised, as the photos didn’t go past the age of about eight, that perhaps it had belonged to the child’s mother. That in the face of the father finding reminders too painful, she’d gone and rented the space to preserve her son’s memory in her own way and visited it in remembrance of him.

It was the kind of story that would have had Dawn in tears anyway. Just thinking about the poor woman having to grieve in such solitude started the sobbing, but then it was every thought that followed, which meant she wasn’t able to stop. The locker for her second child would be empty because he wasn’t hers and never would be, and somehow she had to find her peace with that.

Dawn switched the telly off, not wanting to think about it any longer. As she did so, she spotted the present Jane had given her when she’d left the school. It was nestling between the sofa and TV cabinet. It was time to open it. Ripping the wrapping paper off revealed a patchwork quilt. She unfolded it and realised each square had been made by one of the schoolchildren in her class. It gave her a whole new reason for the tears to flow.

Cocooning herself in the quilt, for now Dawn wasn’t able to stop herself from crying. Even when she managed to get up and replace her tray of unappetising snacks with a whole bar of fruit and nut, the flow of tears didn’t let up. She tried to banish the thought of the empty locker with the image of her brother’s happiness at seeing his newborn son, but it wasn’t sticking. So she allowed the tears and sadness to flow, afraid that, if she didn’t, there was a chance she would never get a grip again.



The next day was a better one. Dawn managed to get out of bed and shower without going into complete meltdown. She reminded herself she was a mother already, and even though going out of the house was the last thing in the world she wanted to do right now, it was Saturday. It was zoo day and feeling the sunshine on her face might remind her that life wasn’t so desolate. Even though Jane had offered to take Archie, she wanted to get out of the house, so had said she would take him herself.

‘You’re late, Mum,’ Archie shouted into her bedroom.

Dawn was wrapped in a towel, huddled in bed. She’d stopped there to get dry and keep warm, but she’d let minute after minute pass by without making any effort to move.

Archie knocked at the door, a rare gesture from her son who liked to stick to routines. The fact she was late would be enough to cause him distress. Maybe she should let Jane take him. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. She made sure she was covered up, but she was pretty well cocooned. ‘Come in.’

Archie tiptoed in, like this was a mission and he needed to remain undetected. He was getting so tall and was at the gangly stage where everything was growing so quickly it hadn’t had chance to bulk out. His brown hair and grey eyes made him look like his father, a shadow of the past, but his frame made him look like David at that age. The thought brought an unexpected lump to her throat and she knew she needed to stop. She couldn’t cry in front of her son.

Archie sat on the edge of her bed, something he’d not done for a long time. It was always Dawn on the edge of his bed, sleeping on the floor next to him, seeing him through the night terrors that plagued him at times.

‘It’s okay, Mum, you don’t need to be sad.’ Archie tapped her knee, which was snuggled underneath the duvet.

The small gesture was enough to let her emotions bubble over, but this was Archie. She was his mum. He needed to come before whatever it was she was feeling at this moment. And she didn’t want him to worry about her, which he would if she put on another show like last night. ‘I just have a lot of hormones floating around my body and they’re not doing me much good at the moment.’

‘Can you give them to Rebekah? Would she like them?’

Dawn’s lip curled. It was the closest she’d got to a smile since saying goodbye to the baby. Archie’s ideas always provided obvious solutions; sadly, it was never that simple. ‘I’m sure she would really appreciate them, but Mummy can’t transfer them to her. They haven’t invented that yet.’

‘They should. It would be like giving blood and they could collect them in a bag. Then, after getting it from you, they would put it into Auntie Rebekah and she could have the hormones as well as the baby.’

Dawn actually smiled. A real smile created by her clever son. ‘It would certainly help. Do you think you could invent that process once you’ve left school?’

‘Can we go to the zoo first? I want to show you something.’ Archie got up. ‘Be ready in ten minutes or I’m sending Norman in.’

The threat was enough to set Dawn into action. Dawn hated spiders, but had conceded to having Norman in the house as he was proving therapeutic for her son. He liked taking care of the arachnoid, which was good, because Dawn wouldn’t want to. It was a compromise because a meerkat family was his top choice and, in their two-bedroom flat, there clearly wasn’t enough space, plus she was pretty sure it would be illegal. So they visited the meerkats at the zoo and Norman kept Archie entertained for the rest of the week.

‘It’s twenty-one minutes past ten, Mum,’ Archie informed Dawn once they were in the car. ‘We’ve never been this late.’

‘I know, sweetie. I’m sure your friends won’t mind.’ The meerkats were Archie’s friends. He had more social attachments to animals than he did any human.

‘But I told Joel I get there every Saturday when the zoo opens. What if he’s waiting for me?’

‘Who is Joel?’ Dawn was pretty familiar with all the meerkats’ names, but she was pretty sure none of them were called Joel.

‘The keeper. Remember, Mum, you met him last time you were there.’

‘Of course. How could I forget?’ It wasn’t like a lot had happened lately. ‘Did he say he would wait for you?’

‘He said see you next week, so he knows I’ll be there.’

‘I don’t think he’ll mind if we arrive later than we usually do. We’ve got a pretty good excuse.’ They were less than five minutes away now and Dawn hoped Archie wouldn’t freak out at any point. It had been a while since he had, but she knew only too well that upsetting his routine was a contributor to setting him off and, if that happened, she would only have herself to blame.

She should have thought about this part of the process more and put more support in for the days following giving birth. It was a shame David and Rebekah were her main source of help. Their father had passed away when they were in their teens and their mother, who’d never dealt with his death particularly well, had upped and moved to Spain. These days they were lucky if they got their annual visit. It was Jane who was being her rock and maybe she’d have to call on her more than she’d thought she would.

For some reason she’d imagined this part as easy. She didn’t have a baby to care for, so there was nothing to interrupt the course of her life other than some mild discomfort and a waistline that would need getting back in shape. Of course it wasn’t that simple and it was only in the aftermath that she was able to see she should have been more prepared.

For now, she just had to hope they survived the trip to the zoo. Because surely the best way to adjust was to keep going and carry on as normal. As for David and Rebekah, they’d all agreed that for the first couple of weeks, while David was on paternity leave, it would be appropriate for Dawn to leave them to let the bonding process take place. When they’d agree on that it had made sense, but now it felt odd to not be seeing them as she usually would.

It was strange not to be involved at this early stage. David had been her rock when Archie was born. He’d made sure she ate when she’d not been able to put Archie down. He would take Archie out for a walk when she’d not slept a wink all night. They’d been so young, but unlike the rest of the family, he’d not turned his back on her by moving to another country. She was certain she wouldn’t have got through that period of time without his help. Which is why it felt alien to not be offering her support at this point in time, when getting to grips with the baby would be tough going. But then, she supposed giving birth for them kind of made up for it.

The official arrangement was that, a couple of weeks after the baby’s arrival, the newly formed family would come over to the flat for a Sunday roast. By that point Dawn should have recovered and Rebekah would have bonded with baby. It sounded like a sane enough plan and Dawn was looking forward to meeting her nephew without feeling like he was her son.

‘Come on, Mum.’ Archie started running towards the entrance as soon as they arrived.

‘Slow down. I can’t run today. You’ll have to walk.’ Dawn was really regretting not asking Jane to come along as well. In her memory, she recalled recovering pretty quickly from Archie’s birth, and while she’d not had a rough time of it this time round, running around after an enthusiastic ten-year-old had not been on the recovery agenda last time.

Fortunately, Archie did slow down. It was only recently he seemed to be paying more attention to what she was saying and the timing couldn’t be better. It was possible her baby boy was turning into a young man and, if he was going through a good phase, she needed to enjoy it as only God knew what the teenage years would be like. And it was a positive thing to think that soon it would be the summer holidays and she would have the time to spend with him.

‘Do you think Joel will still be there?’ Archie asked once they were through the entrance.

‘I don’t know. He’ll have lots of things to do today. He might have gone to look after some of the other animals.’

‘Oh.’

‘We’ll know soon enough.’ They were on the path that led to the meerkat enclosure.

‘Can I go and see?’

It was a straight path. Archie wouldn’t go out of sight so Dawn nodded agreement. ‘I’ll be there in a minute. Mum can’t do any rushing today.’

Dawn watched him run off and continued meandering along. She seemed to be going at a slower pace than when she’d been waddling on her last visit. It was like her muscles weren’t willing to play ball yet and were eager for some extra time off. She would have to get in touch with Jane. She’d help her out with Archie and provide her with some evening company. There was a chance she might say ‘I told you so’ over the recovery being harder than Dawn had envisaged, but best friends were allowed to point out when you’d been wrong.

Lost in her troubles, Archie nearly knocked her over when he doubled back at such a speed he’d have knocked skittles over. ‘Joel is here.’

‘Gosh. Well, that’s good.’ Dawn wasn’t sure why Archie was so excited, but it really was nice to see those kinds of emotions coming out in him.

‘Can I have my notebook?’

Crap. Today was going so well. She didn’t want to be the one to break the news that she’d forgotten it.

‘Can I have my notepad? We’re going to go through my checks.’

Dawn closed her eyes briefly, dizziness washing over her for a nanosecond. ‘I don’t have it. Sorry, Archie, my brain wasn’t in gear when we left.’ In the years they’d been coming here, Dawn hadn’t ever forgotten the notepad because doing so would be tantamount to treason. Archie would likely disown her for such disorganisation regarding a ritual that was sacrosanct. This weekly activity was Archie’s lifeblood, and what would happen if he didn’t have his notes from the previous week’s activities? Well, they were about to find out.

Dawn was psyching herself up for screaming and shouting. She expected a tantrum so spectacular that every passer-by would stare and wonder why she wasn’t able to control her child. When that didn’t happen, it took a second for her to register the fact that Archie was turning on his heel and running away from her.

‘Archie?’ As much as she didn’t feel able to, she found herself picking up her pace in an effort to follow him. If Archie ran away and she couldn’t find him, she didn’t know what she would do. He had friends who did it regularly, causing their mothers no end of heartache and worry. It was a habit she hoped he never picked up. ‘Archie, I can’t run. Stay here. We’ll buy you a new notepad. It’ll be okay.’ She was already breathless when she’d barely broken into a jog.

‘I’ll be at the meerkats,’ Archie shouted back.

Thank goodness for that. At least he didn’t have plans to run off in some unknown direction. Dawn stopped and got her breath back. God, she knew she’d been a bit of a slob while she’d been the life support to another human being, but surely not to the point where the slightest physical exertion was enough to ground her.

When she found the energy to put one foot in front of the other, she reached the meerkat enclosure and tried not to panic when she didn’t spot her son. ‘Archie? Where are you?’ The area was fairly empty so it was okay for her to sound like an irrational, panicky mother. If the past week was anything to go by, it was getting close to the truth.

Dawn started to wind her way around the circular pen. It was a hidden corner within the zoo so didn’t get as busy as the enclosures on the main route. There weren’t many places her son could hide. Inside the pen were some branches and a bank, which were a regular lookout spot for the meerkats, and they were enough to camouflage a section on the opposite side. But the further round she went, more of the blind spot became visible, with no sign of her son. ‘Archie,’ she shouted with a definite edge of fear.

‘I’m here, Mum.’

The small voice came from behind Dawn and she turned quicker than was appropriate when feeling as delicate as she was. She wanted to drag him to her bosom and tell him never to run off like that again. But more than likely that would cause the meltdown they’d so far avoided, and he’d not really run off when he was at the location he’d told her he would be.

‘Everything okay?’ Dawn asked because he was inside the keeper’s area – the small cabin where everything the meerkats needed was prepared.

‘Yes. I told Joel that you’d forgotten my notes, but I knew it would be okay because he photocopied them last week.’ Archie and Joel came out and joined her.

‘Oh, phew, that’s good.’ Dawn was struck by the man standing next to her son. She’d been so preoccupied last time they met she’d not paid him much attention. Along with his dreadlocks, he had a dark tan which, with his khaki shirt and shorts, made him look every inch the part of Crocodile Dundee, only without a reptile that needed wrestling in sight.

‘Archie’s being a great help with me learning about the different family members.’

‘So, you’re new?’ Dawn wanted to sit down now she knew he was safe.

‘New to the meerkats. We swap the animals we work with every six months. Part of a learning programme at the zoo. Means we get to work with all the different animals we want to. Meerkats fascinate me.’

No wonder Archie had warmed to him. ‘Do you have a notepad Archie can use?’ Dawn didn’t mean to be cheeky, but if it would save her traipsing to the gift shop she was willing to ask.

‘We’ve already sorted one and we’re about to start the checks. Are you happy for me to go through them with Archie? It’s really helping me.’

‘Elspeth and Evelyn are really hard. Joel can’t tell them apart yet.’

‘As long as it is helpful for you?’ Joel’s dreadlocked hair was tied back and his dark tan made him look like he spent every possible hour out in the sunshine. She didn’t want Archie hindering his working day, especially if he was saying it just to be polite.

‘It really is. And the next time this family have babies, I’m banning any names beginning with E. Talk about making it difficult.’ Joel winked.

Dawn laughed despite herself. She was glad it wasn’t just her that found it confusing. Ever since Elvis had become the alpha male, the zoo had named every offspring with names beginning with E. And the names were too similar sounding to distinguish at times. ‘I’m going to go and sit down if that’s okay?’ She needed to sit or she would fall.

‘Mum’s just had a baby,’ Archie chipped in. ‘She was a surrogate.’

‘Wow. You really should take a seat then.’

Joel and Archie escorted her to the bench where she normally sat and in a very small way it was like a piece of equilibrium being restored.

‘Are you okay, Mum?’

Dawn was feeling out of sorts, but she guessed that was to be expected when she was rushing round a zoo covering some considerable square meterage only a few days after a baby had been plucked from her womb. ‘I just need a rest, sweetheart. I think we’ll have to skip our walk today. Probably best seeing as we’re here later than usual.’

‘I’m going to do the checks now,’ Archie said.

‘Thanks,’ Dawn said to Joel as he followed her son. It was nice that someone was embracing his obsession with meerkats. She’d not met anyone yet who was able to match his knowledge on them and he hadn’t spoken to the last keeper after he’d answered some questions wrong. So this was an improvement. A big one.

When Dawn fumbled in her handbag, she found she’d also forgotten her sketchpad. Great. That was all she needed. Being left with her own thoughts was not a good idea at the moment. She selected a Hall’s Soother instead. She didn’t have a cold, but it was the best offering in a normally useful handbag and she figured the sugar might do her some good. Plus, they normally took twenty minutes to work and if she concentrated on the throat sweet she might not get round to noticing the emptiness within. But trying to numb her tongue wasn’t enough to numb any other part of her, and as yet another mum trundled past her with a baby wrapped in a sling, Dawn wasn’t able to ignore the hurt. The sense that she should also have a babe in her arms was gnawing away at her to an extent she’d never thought would be possible. After Archie she’d never been broody. Those early days of bringing up a fussy baby by herself had been enough to put away any thoughts of doing it again into another lifetime. Her lack of maternal instincts had been part of the reason she’d been so willing to be a surrogate. Not wanting to do it all again meant it would be easy to hand the baby over. But it seemed to have opened up dormant emotions and here she was with swollen breasts threatening to lactate.

Dawn was so busy staring longingly after the mother and baby she didn’t notice Joel heading back to the bench.

‘Here. I thought you might need these.’

Dawn turned, startled at being brought back to the real world. Surreptitiously, she moved her arms so if she did have any wet patches they wouldn’t be noticed. At least she hoped.

Joel was holding a flask and a Yorkie bar. He moved them in front of her as she’d not responded yet. ‘Tea and chocolate. You look like you need both.’

The gesture was enough to make her eyes well up and all too quickly tears were streaking her cheeks. She wiped them away and tried to gain some composure. ‘You don’t need to do that. I’m obviously raiding your lunchbox.’

‘No worries. I’ll refill it on my lunch break and you definitely deserve the chocolate more than I do. I best get back to Archie.’ Joel went back to the meerkat enclosure and Dawn was too exhausted to argue.

The tea was just the right temperature and gave comfort in a way only a good cuppa could manage. Dawn didn’t really want to deprive the man of his chocolate, but she was feeling wobbly enough to unwrap it and snap off the first two squares. Maybe they could go halves.

‘Here you go, Mum.’ It was Archie this time with more provisions. ‘Joel said I should give you these.’ He passed her a book and some scrunched-up blue roll, which she assumed was to use in place of tissues.

‘Thank you, Arch.’

‘You’re the alpha female.’

‘Okay.’ Dawn wasn’t quite sure what Archie was telling her, but it seemed like a compliment.

‘Joel said I should tell you. He said I was being nice.’

‘Why am I the alpha female then?’

Dawn knew more than the average mother about meerkats, but she didn’t quite know what Archie was getting at.

‘You’re the alpha female. The matriarch because you’re the one who has the babies. No one else is allowed to. But it’s okay that Rebekah is looking after the baby because she’s in our family group so you don’t need to be sad about it. We just all have to look after each other.’

How right he was. And how much more complicated it felt to be a human. Archie’s outlook wasn’t wrong though and once this blaze of hormones settled down she would try to look at it that way. It seemed like a very nice way to view the situation.

Dawn snapped off another piece of chocolate from the bar and passed the remainder back to Archie. ‘If we’re looking after each other, you’d better take this back to Joel so you can both have a chunk to eat as well.’

‘Cool. Love you, Alpha,’ Archie said, before skipping back towards the meerkats and his new-found friend. It would have been nearly enough to make Dawn emotional again, if not for the new nickname, which she hoped wouldn’t stick.

As Dawn poured herself another cup of tea, she realised the book wasn’t some kind of wildlife manual. It was a novel: The Beach by Alex Garland. Well, it would certainly take her thoughts away to a different world and, even if it wasn’t a perfect one, it might be preferable to the way she was currently feeling.


Chapter 7 (#ulink_6cb6c6c3-e0ec-51f3-bbfb-4bb2f3684b4c)

The following two Sunday lunches with just the two of them were sombre affairs. The usual chatter was absent and even the gravy wasn’t as good without her brother about to stir the lumps out. So it was quite a blow, on the day they were to be reunited, to receive a text from David cancelling their visit.

It was over a fortnight ago now that she’d given birth and on the whole she was feeling a bit more upbeat about life. The urge to cry wasn’t quite so ripe and she’d started focusing on how this time was going to help her. The apprenticeship at the local (and only) tattoo shop was confirmed to start after the summer holidays and she just needed to work on completing her portfolio.

Only the text message from David was pulling her spirits down again. Casting her mind back over the years, this was the longest they’d been apart. He’d gone to university locally so he was never far away and there wasn’t a week that went by when they didn’t meet up. Until now. She didn’t want to resent Rebekah, but she was finding it hard not to when she’d given her a child and in exchange she’d stolen her brother. Okay, so stolen was an exaggeration, but for years David had been her life-support system, even before Archie. They looked out for each other – that was how life worked when you were a twin – so it didn’t feel right that the link seemed to have temporarily broken.

Reading her brother’s message again, BABY NOT SETTLING. WILL HAVE TO CALL OFF TODAY, Dawn realised maybe she was the one that needed to make the first move. NEED ANY HELP? she offered.

Up until now Dawn had opted not to contact them, respecting that they wanted their space. But as David had got in touch, and her emotions were more in check, it seemed appropriate to ask.

NOT TODAY. TALK SOON came the response.

It left Dawn deflated. She wanted normality to resume for her and for Archie. He was a boy that liked routine and now she had to break it to him that he wouldn’t get to meet his cousin today like they’d always planned. That alone would be difficult to handle, before even dealing with how she felt about it herself.

Dawn went and found Archie in his room carrying out his weekly clean-out of Norman’s tank.

‘I’m really sorry, Arch. Your auntie and uncle won’t be over today. They’re still settling in with baby. They’re not quite ready to face the outside world yet.’

‘Oh.’ Archie’s shoulders sagged with disappointment.

The movement made Norman scuttle across his tank and Dawn took a step out of the room. She was never going to get used to sharing the flat with a tarantula. The brief distraction gave her an idea.

‘I know we don’t normally do this, but how about we go out for dinner?’ Last weekend they’d had their Sunday roast alone, but they’d known that was going to be the case. Somehow, now David and Rebekah weren’t coming, Dawn wasn’t sure she could muster the energy to cook just for the two of them again and it would be very apparent their guests were absent. If Archie wasn’t comfortable with eating out (she wasn’t able to recall the last time she’d braved it with him), they could always opt for a takeaway to save cooking.

‘Where will we go?’

‘We’ll go to Maureen’s café. She’ll be glad to see you and I can see if any of my pictures have sold. They do lovely roasts. I can ring ahead and book us a table.’ Maureen’s café was one of Dawn’s favourite places within the New Forest. It was a hidden treasure not entirely overrun by tourist trade. She’d been visiting there since Archie was a baby and, with her own mother absent, Maureen was often the closest she had to having a parent close by.

Over the years they’d become firm friends and, at some point, Maureen had offered to display Dawn’s sketches in the café. They were fine-pencil abstract drawings. She would take everyday objects and turn them into a woven fabric of shapes.

Their surreal qualities meant they weren’t everyone’s cup of tea, so Dawn didn’t expect many sales, but whenever they did sell it was a bonus. In fact, her pictures being hung there were exactly the reason Tony the tattoo artist had been in touch about the apprenticeship. He felt she would have a natural talent. She wasn’t so sure, but she wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity.

Archie considered for a moment by staring into Norman’s tank. She hoped her son didn’t think the spider was invited because he really wasn’t. ‘Do they do roast beef?’

‘I’m sure Maureen will do. Hopefully.’

‘We can go if I can have beef.’

‘Fingers crossed,’ Dawn said and actually crossed her fingers. If they didn’t then she would have to scrap any plans to take her son out.

When she rang, thankfully Maureen had both a vacant table in a quiet corner and roast beef on the menu.

By the time they arrived, the lunch crowd were mostly gone and it left them with only a couple of other diners finishing off their pudding. It was perfect and she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t brought Archie before for Sunday lunch. Probably memories of the mealtime meltdowns from the past. They’d been so frequent and all-encompassing that at some point it became so much easier to remain at home, then if the gravy was on the wrong section of the plate he didn’t ruin dinner for them and everyone else around them.

Today, Dawn asked for a jug of gravy on the side and, with knowing the owner well, it didn’t feel much different from dining at home. And when she thought about it, the meltdowns had been dying down for over a year. It was just Dawn continuing to live in fear of their appearance, which was no way to live.

‘I like the new pictures,’ Archie said.

Dawn was thinking so much about how Archie was changing that she’d neglected to pay attention to any of the café’s usual décor. It was very twee. All dollies and plastic tablecloths. In some ways it needed an overhaul to keep up with the chains that were taking over most high streets, but in another way it was absolutely perfect. It matched its beautiful surroundings. A roast in one of the chain pubs wouldn’t have suited Archie, but here he was comfortable. They’d have to come again another Sunday. Looking at the pictures Archie was referring to, she realised that Maureen must have agreed to display for another local artist. At least she assumed they were local with most of the drawings depicting local wildlife, the New Forest ponies featuring heavily. They were mesmerising, their colours capturing the animals and setting in a way that sprung off the canvas. ‘They’re beautiful, aren’t they?’ Dawn said.

‘Can I look at the rest of them?’ Archie asked.

They were the only customers left now. ‘Do you want any pudding? Looks like they have apple crumble on the menu.’

‘Yes, please. So can I look?’

‘Of course – just make sure you don’t knock into anything. I’ll go order us some dessert and you can come back to the table once it’s ready.’

‘Cool.’

Dawn watched her son for a minute as he stared at a picture with a level of intensity most would struggle to find. She marvelled for a moment at the person he was becoming. She was so used to life with him being complex it was hard to relax and appreciate this stage, whatever this stage was.

When Archie moved on to stare at the next picture, Dawn took it as a cue to get up. It wouldn’t help matters if he managed to look at each frame before she’d put their order in.

On the way back from ordering two apple crumbles with custard, Dawn took a closer look at a drawing of a fox. It was an oil painting, a medium she’d never mastered. All of her drawings were pencil sketches. Even though she could draw, she knew little about the different painting techniques, having given up on art when she’d been forced to leave college. It was a natural talent she wanted to use to her advantage, but she was pretty sure she’d never be able to paint with this level of skill. It made her doubt her tattooing apprenticeship before it even started. It was one thing sketching onto paper, but she wasn’t sure about a moving subject.

‘Realistic, aren’t they?’ Maureen came over to chat, the café now being empty of other customers.

‘It almost looks like a photo.’ If Dawn wasn’t so close, she wouldn’t have been able to tell.

‘I hope you don’t mind that I let this chap have some pictures here. I figured as you said you wouldn’t be doing any for a while it would be okay.’

‘Of course. I’m sure you’ll sell lots more this way.’ Maureen took a small percentage of any sales so it made good business sense to have pictures that would have more appeal to the tourist trade they served. It was just a shame hers didn’t have similar appeal.

‘Don’t lose heart, dear. Your drawings are very unique, but I still can’t see you as a tattoo artist.’

‘Neither can I yet,’ Dawn grinned. Perhaps she wasn’t covered in tattoos herself, but she wanted to use her eye for detail in a way that would be appreciated. The apprenticeship would be unpaid, but it would mean she might be able to make something of her talent for sketching out designs. So with the maternity leave she was entitled to as a surrogate, she intended to do a bit of intense training to see if she was any good. Then, when she was back at work, she would continue part-time. It was her hope that eventually she would earn more money as a result. She loved working as a teaching assistant, but it wasn’t giving her the fulfilment she craved. And unfortunately the pictures gathering dust here weren’t either.

‘I’ve got a card for the artist if you’d like one. Maybe he can convince you you’ve got talent. He certainly thought so when he was here.’

‘Really?’

Maureen fetched her a card. ‘He did. You should call him.’ There was a mischievous twinkle in Maureen’s eye as she said it. ‘He was cute,’ she added.

Dawn took the card and slipped it in her pocket, ignoring the fact that Maureen wanted to do some matchmaking. The card might be useful for an unusual Christmas present for Archie, seeing as he was so drawn to the pictures. Peering back at the fox who seemed to have his eye on her, she glanced at the price tag. Seventy-five pounds, the small white cardboard plaque said. That was pretty reasonable for a piece of art, but it was definitely a price for a special occasion. She just hoped Archie didn’t get any ideas about taking one home today.





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