Книга - You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas

You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas
Karen Sullivan


Aimed at parents of 9-16 year olds, this A-Z of questions and answers covers every conceivable dilemma – from what age you should give your child a mobile phone, to dealing with internet chat rooms.When can your child legally get a job? When can they baby-sit the kid next door? Tackling the trickiest problems head on, Karen Sullivan explains when it is safe, appropriate, necessary or even normal for children to do certain things. As your children enter their teenage years and want more independence, the questions multiply.You Want to Do What? offers reliable guidance and information instantly. Karen draws on developmental, advisory, legal and statistical information to set out the facts and offer a reasoned solution. Her informed, no-nonsense, common sense approach to parenting allows you to make decisions quickly and with confidence. And if you need to say 'no' to your teenager, You Want to Do What? gives you the best reasons to explain why.
















Copyright (#ulink_1041f1cc-30ae-5966-8688-7b7618b10dbf)

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First published in 2007 by Collins

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Text © Karen Sullivan 2007

Karen Sullivan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780007254378

Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2017 ISBN: 9780007556632

Version: 2017–03-16


Dedication (#ulink_7b6c1398-b017-59a3-b80f-31ff7e4056e9)

For Cole and Luke, my teenagers


Contents

Cover (#u6fc276eb-0ebd-57ff-8404-2171e43ce005)

Title Page (#ubf63193f-b1bf-5377-9471-fc61a1821ce9)

Copyright (#ulink_e18b8639-1708-5fe1-9333-47a577489ddc)

Dedication (#ulink_21766637-f551-5bb5-9723-dcdd8e653075)

Introduction (#ulink_a64ffc83-b7b7-5d55-bb9e-de63ef9158e8)

Abortion (#ulink_b78bee8b-5e33-500e-9b5e-ac45a1726ce2)

Alcohol (#ulink_136fc846-177b-5a7c-987c-95efb3d88b04)

Armed forces (#ulink_973c8814-f0c0-51e4-adaf-289c455aaa7c)

Babysitting (#ulink_9e0b3897-0c1c-56bb-9139-00e7cb52de38)

Bedrooms

Bedtime

Bicycles

Birth control

Books

Bras

Bullying

Calculators

Cars

Clothes

Communication

Community service

Computers

Cooking

Crime

Curfews

Debt

Drugs

Ears

Employment

Entertainment

Exams

Exercise

Eyes

Family

Fizzy drinks

Food and drink

Friends

Gambling

Gap year

Growth

Hair

Health

Homework

Household chores

Independence

Languages

Leaving home

Leisure

Lost property

Magazines

Make-up

Marriage

Masturbation

Menstruation

Mental health

Mobile phones

Money

Morals

Music

Motorcycles

Mouth guards

Name change

Organisation

Orthodontics

Parties

Passports

Peers

Personal hygiene

Pocket money

Pornography

Privacy

Puberty

Relationships

Religion

School

Self-harm

Sex

Sexuality

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

Shoes

Skin

Smoking

Sunbeds

Surgery

Swearing

Swimming

Tattoos

Teeth

Testicles

Travel

TV

Weight

About the Publisher


Introduction (#ulink_93dc1389-025e-592b-9f41-85d85fc97849)

There is no one more persuasive than a teenager with an agenda, and certainly no one more capable of making a parent feel inadequate or behind the times. Conscientious parents regularly fall victim to the supreme negotiating skills of their offspring, and have to adjust their own beliefs, values and moral codes in order either to keep the peace or fall in line with current trends. After all, times change, don’t they? Perhaps the way we were brought up is outmoded, and children can and should be allowed different sorts of freedoms and liberties, different levels of independence and trust, and a different role within the family.

There can be no parent in the land who has not heard regular wails of:






I am the only one not allowed...’ (to stay out late, walk to school on my own, take the bus into town, have my own bank account – add your own to this).




The only one who doesn’t have...’ (new trainers, a TV in my bedroom, a mobile phone with a camera, my own room, parties, pierced ears, a tattoo...).




The only one who has to...’ (clean my room, work for my pocket money, visit my grandparents, have my homework checked, do my own laundry, be accompanied to the doctor...).



The lists are seemingly endless, and from the word go, parents are put in the awkward position of trying to work out if their demands, expectations and rules are fair and realistic, or if they are, in fact, creating social lepers by denying their children the norms of today’s society.

There is no central database of currently acceptable thinking and practice when it comes to parenting. Indeed, most parenting manuals stop well short of the years when parents actually need the most advice. These days many parents are isolated and have less contact with others parents, the result of increased independence, and the fact that many parents work during the day. Couple this with frustration engendered by the impossible task of trying to glean information or make conversation with an adolescent – and it becomes obvious why we’re often working in the dark when it comes to parenting.

It’s no good relying on age-old wisdom handed down from our parents, either. Most of us will remember the irritation of being told that rules were rules, that things were ‘always done that way’, because: ‘that’s how I was brought up, so that’s how you will be too’. Many of us have chosen to forge our own path on the parenting front, and to make decisions based on our individual children and their capabilities, needs and demands, rather than create rules for the sake of them. But this too can be a minefield – one ill-chosen step off that path and a child could be in serious trouble, well out of his or her depth.

So how do we make these decisions? As parents we have a responsibility and, indeed, an innate desire to raise happy, healthy, responsible children, and to invest in them the skills, morals, values and common sense that will take them into adulthood. On one shoulder we carry the weight of this responsibility, and on the other, an overwhelming catalogue of adolescent propaganda.

Consider, too, the fact that our children change dramatically – emotionally and physically – as they grow. It takes a savvy parent to understand and stay on top of their changing needs, and the developmental milestones reached at various stages. We want to support these changes, and encourage healthy growth and development without appearing to be intrusive or controlling. Most tweenies and adolescents become less open about their emotions, their bodies and even their social lives, hopes and concerns as they grow older. It’s difficult for parents to know what to expect and when, and at what stage a little input, guidance or even discouragement is required. For example, when do girls normally begin to menstruate and at what age are tampons appropriate? Does a 12-year-old boy need to wear deodorant? And is a nighttime shower or bath strictly necessary? When do teens reach their adult height, and do big feet mean that a child will be tall? At what age can kids drink tea and coffee? Do teenagers need vitamin supplements? When does a boy’s voice begin to change? Is a withdrawn adolescent taking drugs or suffering from depression, or is her behaviour normal? Is teen faddy eating a sign of an eating disorder or to be expected? Should we worry if a child wants a lock on his or her bedroom door?

And what about independence and moral issues? Is it normal for a teenage boy to have pornographic magazines under his bed? Should a girl be allowed to change her name or her religion? Should we turn a blind eye when they experiment with alcohol or drugs? Should we allow them to ride a bike home in the dark or make their own way home from a party? When should we stop expecting to be told exactly what they are doing, when and with whom? What is an appropriate curfew? How much pocket money is fair, and should we expect our children to earn it? Are household chores a child’s responsibility, and what do we do about a perpetually messy bedroom? Should we oversee their homework, allow them to use calculators, or crib from the computer? Should they have their own computers or TVs, enter chatrooms, own mobile telephones and set their own bedtimes? If children really want to leave school, can we stop them?

The list of potential battlegrounds is staggering, and the issues surrounding almost every area of our children’s lives are confusing. We are, as a whole, a more liberal and tolerant society, and today’s children are treated very differently from the way we or our parents were treated as children. That’s not to say that we are necessarily more permissive; indeed, studies show that due to fears about abduction, accidents, paedophiles and other potential dangers, we are much less likely to allow our children to do things on their own, and less likely to encourage independence. We drive them to school and to their activities, and we are reluctant to allow children the freedom to play outside or to travel alone.

But contrast this with the obvious ‘adultification’ of childhood, and the irony of the situation must be evident to all parents. How can we keep reins on children who are worldly wise beyond their years and have expectations that far exceed their age? How can we curb a growing need for independence when we are fearful for their safety? How can we uphold our own beliefs and moral values when our children are bludgeoned with alternatives via the media and their peer group? How can we encourage our children to be children for as long as possible in a society that promotes the opposite?

Growing up too soon

One of the side effects of our modern have-it-now, 24/7 society is that children have been drawn in on the act. No longer content to wait until the appropriate age for certain activities, clothing, possessions and levels of freedom, today’s children expect to be (and often are) treated as miniature adults, complete with miniature versions of everything adult. With this comes inevitable responsibility and a need for acquisition; the majority of children are too young and immature to deal with either responsibility or acquisitiveness.

Learning the art of patience is an important part of childhood. Childhood and adolescence are marked by other rites of passage – understanding the rewards of a job well done, a lesson learned and a privilege earned – which should be experienced at appropriate stages through the years. Children find it difficult to wait for the moment when their power is increased. When they are six, they can’t wait to be seven; when they are ten, they can’t wait to go to ‘big school’; when they are sixteen, they can’t wait to get their driving licence, have some freedom and go out alone with friends. This sort of impatience is normal and even healthy, but children need to learn to wait for each of the stages, and to feel a sense of pride as they reach these milestones.

Today, everything is pushed on more quickly. Children start school at an earlier age and learn to read earlier. Sporting activities at weekends are organised with ‘adult’ equipment, and some sports teams even go on overseas tours. Children have CD and DVD players and all the latest games; they wear mini-Calvin Klein and Paul Smith; they have mobile telephones and their own computers. Advertising encourages them to look and be seductive and cool; young girls dress in the same style as their heroines – pop stars and celebrities – many of whom are scantily dressed and earning money by being overtly sexy. The inevitable question is, ‘What next?’ How can a child who has already toured Europe with his football team be satisfied with playing for his school or in the park with his brother? How can a child who is bombarded with sexual messages through the media be content to hold hands at a school dance?

The pressure on children to grow up more quickly tends also to suit our modern style of parenting. If we treat our children as if they were older, dress them as if they were older and push them on to achieve things at an increasingly early age, we can justifiably expect ‘adult’ behaviour.

There are several other problems with the ‘adultification’ of childhood. The first is the boredom factor. Many children now complain of being bored, largely because there is very little to look forward to in terms of personal goals. They have ‘been there, done that’. They travel, eat out, wear designer clothes and have all the trappings that matter. They perform in ambitious school productions, take part in international sports events, surf the internet and set up e-mail accounts on their own, have their pocket money paid into their own bank accounts, make their own arrangements via mobile phone and use their considerable purchasing power to buy whatever they want.

When children are exposed to an increasing number of experiences at an early age, they become bored with routine activities. They require greater stimulation and excitement to keep them satisfied. What fun can be had in the park with your parents, when you are used to watching satellite TV in your room with your mates? How boring a day trip to the seaside will seem after a two-week holiday in Florida. Who wants to watch a U-rated film, when you’ve seen an adult-rated movie with your friends?

This adult lifestyle is an assault on young and impressionable bodies and minds. What’s more, many children are being left to make the transition from child to adult on their own. Many children come home to an empty house and have to organise their own time structure and make their own meals. Most are allowed to choose their own entertainment and this often means that they are subjected to conflicting messages on a regular basis. A vast industry has built up around consumption by children and an ever-increasing amount of advertising is directed at them. Advertisers use the media, primarily television, to convince children that they need a whole host of possessions in order to reach the status of ‘cool’ and to be happy.

Television also provides children with experiences of violence, sexuality, broken relationships and inappropriate mentors. Even children who are at home with parents during the day and after school have unhealthy pressures placed upon them by the various media, including television. Children in the USA spend an average of 38 hours a week exposed to media outside of school; by the time they reach the age of eleven, the average child will have witnessed more than 100,000 acts of violence on TV. Children may be exposed to as many as five violent acts per hour during prime time and an average of 26 violent acts per hour during Saturday morning children’s programmes. And that’s just violence.

There is a similar problem with sexual imagery, with teenage starlets paraded regularly in the media in sexy, adult clothing. Sexual precocity is evident increasingly early and teenage pregnancy is on the increase in the Western world. If children have seen it all on screen or heard it all in the lyrics of a pop song, what’s to stop them trying it out for themselves? Why should they bother waiting?

Ignoring or disregarding the vital sequential steps in a child’s development can have serious consequences. Children are confronted with decision-making before they have the necessary emotional or psychological tools; they are entrusted with obligations, possessions and responsibility that make them feel more independent and adult, but which may be too much to bear.

This, of course, puts more pressure on parents. Kids want things sooner and they expect freedoms, possessions, activities and independence that are often inappropriate. Most parents have a grudging sense that the demands they face regularly are at odds with what they intrinsically believe is right, appropriate, normal and moral. This is not, of course, a new problem facing parents, as children have, for generations, always wanted a little more than parents think is appropriate; however, the wealth of external influences on our children make it far more difficult to create and maintain a family policy. In a nutshell, we are in constant battle with the unknown and the ever-changing.

Different strokes

There will be class, religious, geographical and cultural elements that will affect the way you choose to raise your children. What is appropriate for an inner-city child may not be right for someone from the deepest part of the countryside. A child who grows up on a farm may be given plenty of responsibility, but would not have the street savvy of a child from a big city. So the rural child may be mowing the lawn or driving a harvest combiner at the age of ten, but may be out of his depth on the Underground railway system or on city streets. Conversely, a city kid may cope well with independence involving travelling alone, negotiating a map and dealing with street violence, but would probably risk cutting off a toe if handed a lawnmower too soon. These are factors that every parent must take into consideration.

What children need

In order to thrive physically and emotionally, children require boundaries – guidelines that will undoubtedly be tested, often on a daily basis as they move out of childhood and towards adulthood – and they need a consistent approach to discipline. They also, however, require independence as they grow older, room to make their own mistakes and freedom to explore the world around them. In essence, children need wings to soar out into the world, but a healthy dose of common sense and a structured environment to anchor them when required.

Research tells us that, far from spending less time with our children, today’s parents take the job very seriously. According to a study entitled ‘The Changing Face of Childhood’, undertaken by the Future Foundation in the UK, children enjoy significantly more quality time with their parents than children of 30 years ago, with children’s views today being taken into account in the household and parents aspiring to do a better job than their own parents did. Researchers claim that we have become a generation of super parents who devote almost all our time away from work to our offspring. Typically, parents today spend 99 minutes a day with children under sixteen, compared with just 25 minutes in 1975.

‘In the 1970s, the hours at home were spent on household labour, and children were typically left to spend their time outdoors with friends in unstructured play, and to get to and from school by themselves,’ said Meabh Quoirin, head of business development at the Future Foundation.

‘Today’s parents are making the choice to engage with their children far more, taking them on outings, helping them with their homework, joining in their activities and just playing with them more. They are willing to put considerable effort into their relationships with their children and we see an increasingly professionalised approach to bringing them up.’

There can be no doubt that this increased input in our children’s lives will have a positive impact. A long-term Canadian study found that a positive relationship with parents was associated with less bullying, smoking, alcohol and drug use, and less frequent affiliation with deviant peers who engage in substance abuse. It predicted higher self-esteem and fewer internalising problems. Moreover, youths who reported positive relationships with their parents were more likely to report increased school identification and commitment to education, and were less likely to take risks (i.e. to not use a bike helmet and seat belt). It’s clear, therefore, that the quality of the relationship we have with our children is a huge predictor of their overall well-being on many levels.

But that, in essence, compounds the problem. As parents we wish to be there for our children, to be welcoming, accepting, open and communicative in order to establish a healthy relationship. Yet too many parents confuse a good relationship with giving in to demands, and allowing inappropriate freedoms in order to avoid disharmony. We want our children to have high self-esteem, so we grant them privileges and praise them regardless of whether either has been earned. While it is evident that a good relationship can encourage good behaviour, it is also clear that this relationship must be based on sound parenting, reasonable discipline, realistic expectations and mutual respect.

Giving in to demands does not encourage respect, nor does it teach our children self-respect. It is not easy to lay down the law, just as it is equally pointless to lay down too many laws. Every family has to evaluate what is most important to them before setting rules and establishing a code of expected behaviour. As the phrase goes, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, and nothing can be more true when dealing with tweenies and teens. If you get yourself into a regular lather about every aspect of your child’s behaviour, plans, perceived needs and demands, and set out to control it all, chances are the relationship will suffer and you’ll encourage rebellion. Work out what is most important to you, and be prepared to offer realistic reasons for your expectations and rules.



THE IMPACT OF PARENTING STYLES

The theory of parenting styles developed from the work of American psychologist Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They studied children who had the qualities most of us would want in our own children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: firstly, responsiveness or warmth and supportiveness; and secondly, demandingness or behavioural control. Descriptions of four styles of parenting are based on these elements.

Authoritarian

Authoritarian or extremely strict parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave, and stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. These parents are demanding and directive, they expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give–and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions.

Authoritative

Authoritative or moderate parents set limits and rely on natural consequences to help children learn by making their own mistakes. Authoritative parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. These parents are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.

Permissive

Permissive or indulgent parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits and allow children to set their own rules, schedules and activities. They do not demand the high levels of behaviour required by authoritarian or authoritative parents.

Uninvolved

Uninvolved parents demand little and respond minimally to their offspring. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.

Research has found that the most well-adjusted children, particularly in terms of social competence, had parents with an authoritative, moderate parenting style. These parents are able to balance clear high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for their child’s autonomy. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents have high expectations of their children and use control, but the overly strict parent expects the child to accept parental judgements unquestioningly and allows the child little freedom of expression. Children of overly strict parents are apt to be reliant on the voice of authority and to be lacking in spontaneity. In contrast, the authoritative parent permits the child enough freedom of expression so that he or she can develop a sense of independence. Permissive parents make few demands and their children have been found to have difficulty controlling their impulses, are immature and reluctant to accept responsibility.



Be prepared to listen to your child. While pre-teens and teens have an amazing capacity to exaggerate and to dramatise, there may be some truth or basis to their argument. If your child is, genuinely, the only one in his class not allowed to walk to school alone or to have a mobile telephone, ask yourself why. Challenge your own thinking and assess your reasons. If your daughter wants to have her ears pierced and you’ve said she has to wait until she is thirteen, ask yourself why. Because that was what you had to do? Is that a relevant argument? Children are not always right, but they aren’t always wrong either.

However, issues and demands are not always straightforward. In many cases there are legal implications and children also have well-defined rights. For example, your 14-year-old daughter is not legally allowed to have sexual intercourse until she is sixteen, but she can have an abortion without any consultation with or permission from her parents well under that age. At sixteen she can buy cigarettes and smoke them to her heart’s content; she can even leave home legally, but she can’t vote and she can’t have a glass of wine with her cigarette unless she’s in the family home or accompanied by an adult (and a meal) in a pub or restaurant. Your 12-year-old son can have his ear pierced and open a bank account; he can make decisions regarding his own health care, but you can be charged with neglect if you leave him alone in the family home and something goes wrong.

Peer pressure

Not only are our children subject to peer pressure, which often guides their demands and expectations, but parents are also at the mercy of pressure from peers. If every parent at your 14-year-old’s Catholic school has decided that it isn’t necessary for their child to attend Sunday mass, how do you weigh this up with what you believe is right? If all the parents in your son’s social group are allowing them to take the train up to watch the football finals at a national stadium, are you being ‘precious’ and overly cautious by objecting? If the majority of your children’s friends are not given a curfew, does that mean that your child shouldn’t have one either? If other parents do not question spending of pocket money or how children spend their leisure time, if they do not encourage any responsibility around the house, or make demands upon their children’s time for family outings or gatherings, should you follow suit? Are you making a mistake by sticking to your guns and parenting by instinct or belief?

It’s not just kid pressure that affects the way we make our decisions; we are guided by what other parents do and by what they allow. It’s not surprising that most parents worry constantly about whether they are doing the right thing, or creating the best environment for their children, and giving them the best opportunities. There is a level of insecurity that most of us feel – and when what we believe in is challenged by the media, our children, and other parents, it’s not surprising that confusion ensues, and we make allowances or concessions with which we are not always happy. We don’t want our children to be left behind in any sense, and unhappily, many of us spend a lot of time looking over our shoulders to work out if we are doing and allowing the same things as everyone else.

Finding a balance

There are ways to negotiate compromises with our children – to parent according to our own beliefs, to protect our children and to ensure that they have a safe, healthy and happy childhood, while at the same time giving them room to grow and develop, and to become independent and responsible adults.

That’s where this book comes in. We’ll look at all the important issues and aspects of raising a child from the age of about eight through to the day they leave home. In many cases, there are legal points that will guide your decision or thinking. In others, there is clear research that shows the impact of the choices we make for our children, and the results of what we might allow. Children’s charities and health and religious organisations offer advice and guidelines where legislation doesn’t exist – in the case of leaving children alone, for example, or dealing with peer pressure, bullying or health problems.

We’ll look at what happens to our children at various ages, both physically and emotionally, and what they are capable of doing and, indeed, mature enough to do, at each stage. Every child is different, and each matures at his or her own speed. What is right for one child may simply be inappropriate for another. One child may be sensible enough to walk to school at age seven, while his younger brother may have to wait another year or so. A shy, under-confident child may baulk at taking the train into town with his mates, while his more confident sister could negotiate the journey with ease at the same age. Knowledge of your children is probably the most important factor in making any decision regarding the way you parent.

There will be areas of your child’s life and lifestyle about which you feel very strongly. You may be a stickler for working hard at school or believe that children should have a role in the household, undertaking age-appropriate chores and earning their keep. You may have a faith or religion that dictates many aspects of what your child can and can’t do, and some of these things simply cannot be compromised. An important part of bringing up children is sharing our beliefs and mores, and passing on pride in and understanding of our various cultures and backgrounds. This is to be encouraged, no matter how resistant a child may be to doing things ‘your way’.

You may frown on anything illegal and insist that your child does not, for example, touch alcohol until the legal age of eighteen or ride his bike on the pavement or watch a film below an age restriction. You may have fears about the safety of mobile phones or your child’s security while travelling alone. You may disapprove of sexual relations outside of marriage, violence on television or abortion. This, too, is acceptable. Parents have a right and a responsibility to pass on their values to children, even if they don’t always fit in with current trends.

You may be aghast at the way children are brought up today – perhaps with too much freedom, too little discipline and a dearth of respect. In this sense, you may be right. In spite of the fact that we are a ‘hands-on’ generation who invest a great deal of our time in our children, there is no doubt that children are involved in more street crime and violence. And the problems don’t stop there: bullying is rife; the drinking culture is out of control; more than 25 per cent of children are obese; and teenage pregnancies and drug use are at a high level. Many teachers complain of a culture of disrespect and rude behaviour that disrupts classrooms and even shopping malls have been forced to ban hooded jackets in an attempt to keep trouble at bay. Perhaps the decisions we are currently making with and for our children are not always right. No doubt external influences play havoc with even the strongest and most moral household rules and policies, however, there can be no doubt that a generation of teenagers running riot have missed something along the line. These factors, too, must be taken into consideration.

The information in this book is designed to guide parents so that they can make the right decisions for their children. You may be worried, for example, about letting a child travel or play outside alone for fear of abduction or safety. In this case, you may be reassured to know that there are no more children murdered or abducted than there were 50 years ago; there are no more children victim to paedophiles (although there are probably plenty more opportunities, with internet chatrooms); and that roughly the same number of children are injured or killed on the roads and while playing outside as there ever were. To put it bluntly, your child is much more likely to die from other accidental causes than from a road traffic accident. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be concerned, but statistics help us to put things into perspective. The number of pedestrian fatalities in the UK peaked in 1966 with just over 3,150 deaths and has declined since then. Each year since 1990 has seen a new record low; in 2002, for instance, it was 774 (adults and children).

The secret to successful parenting is to find a balance by focusing on key areas of importance. Denying a child every element of popular culture, every opportunity to share activities with friends and every possibility of freedom will backfire. Choose your battles. There is potential for locking horns at almost every stage of your child’s life, and if you are resistant to the idea of change, negotiation or at least compromise, you will render your child powerless, thereby encouraging rebellion and deception, and undermine your relationship at key stages of development. Be prepared to explain yourself and to make allowances. Balance what your child says, what the government decrees, what other children are doing and what other parents allow with what you believe, and make a judgement on that basis.

Take the time to explain your thinking. Unexplained rules set for the sake of them will do nothing but cause frustration and resistance. What’s more, your child will learn nothing except how to accept defeat, and the defeat will breed resentment in the process. If you explain your reasons and your thinking, and are consistent about the way you approach the things that matter, your child will learn to respect you and what you believe in, even if there are a few battles along the way. This is particularly likely if you show willingness to compromise and to accommodate their demands from time to time.



UNHAPPY CHILDREN

Children growing up in the United Kingdom suffer greater deprivation, worse relationships with their parents and are exposed to more risks from alcohol, drugs and unsafe sex than those in any other wealthy country in the world, according to a 2007 study from the United Nations.

The UK is bottom of the league of 21 economically advanced countries according to a ‘report card’ put together by UNICEF on the well-being of children and adolescents, trailing the US which comes second to last. The UNICEF team assessed the treatment of children in six different areas: material well-being; health and safety; educational well-being; family and peer relationships; behaviours and risks; and young people’s own perceptions of their well-being.

If nothing else, this provides parents with even more impetus to get things right, and to ensure that the choices we make for our children are in their best interests and make a positive contribution to their overall health and well-being.



For each entry in this book, you’ll find practical advice and tips for dealing with tricky situations, negotiating compromise or getting the information you need to explain why certain behaviours or activities are unacceptable. You’ll also find lots of information that you can share with your children, if you find it difficult to explain your position. For example, it can be hard to know when to talk about drugs or sex with children, and how to approach it in the right way. While you want to get your own views across, there are also statistics and facts that children need to understand in order to make their own decisions. You’ll find plenty of advice about how to talk to your children about various subjects, what to say, when to say it – and how to get the message across in the least threatening way.

This is a book for all parents – because all parents have questions and concerns, and all of us question the way we should be bringing up our children. Use your judgement, be willing to negotiate where necessary, be consistent in your approach to issues, discipline and beliefs, and, ultimately, base your decisions on your individual child. This book is based on facts, research, theories and plenty of practical advice, which will help to guide your decision.



WHAT CHILDREN THINK

The study ‘Child Maltreatment in the UK’, published in November 2000 by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), revealed a general picture of close supervision by parents. Its survey of 3,000 young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four years old in England and Wales found that:






Between the ages of five and nine, travelling to school alone is common, usually from the age of seven upwards.




Most children in the UK (88 per cent) are not left at home in the evenings without adult supervision until they are at least twelve, and they don’t stay at home unsupervised overnight before they are fourteen (91 per cent).




Asked when they were first allowed out overnight without parents knowing their whereabouts, more than four out of ten respondents said that this had not been permitted until they were sixteen or seventeen, and more than a third (36 per cent) said that this would still not be allowed.



Meanwhile, a 1990s survey of 4,000 parents by the children’s charity Kidscape found that most parents allowed children:






To cross local roads from age nine.




To use local transport during daytime from age eleven.




To go to the cinema with a friend from age twelve.




To be out with a friend in the evening from age fifteen.



What children can do:

Any age






Can babysit (although the NSPCC recommends sixteen as the minimum age).




Can enter a bar that has a child licence if you are with an adult.




Can see a U or PG category film at a cinema unaccompanied by an adult; you can see a 12A film if you are with an adult.




Can ask to see your health and education records.




Can give consent to surgical, medical or dental treatment provided your doctor or dentist decides you understand what is happening.




Can choose your own religion.




Can smoke cigarettes, but you are not allowed to buy them until you are sixteen.



Age five






Can drink alcohol in private.




Must go to school or be educated at home.



Age seven






Can open and draw money from a National Savings Account or Trustee Savings account.



Age ten






Have full criminal responsibility for actions and can be convicted of a criminal offence.




Can open a bank or building society account.



Age twelve






Can see a 12A film at the cinema or rent one without an adult present. Can buy a pet.



Age fourteen






Can get a part-time job, subject to restrictions (see page).



Age fifteen






Can apply to the Navy at fifteen years and nine months.




Can see, purchase or rent a category 15 film.



Age sixteen






Can buy aerosol paint.




Can enter a bar on your own, but can only drink soft drinks; however, you can drink beer, cider or wine with a meal when accompanied by someone over eighteen.




Can join the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines with parental consent.




Can change your name by deed poll.




Can hold a licence to drive a moped.




Can leave school on the last Friday of June if you are sixteen by that date or turn sixteen during the summer holidays.




Can work full time if you have left school, but there are restrictions (see page).




Are entitled to be paid the minimum wage for 16- and 17-year-olds.




Can buy a lottery ticket or use Category D gaming machines.




Can leave home without the consent of your parents.




Can marry with parental consent.




Can choose your own doctor and consent to medical, dental or surgical treatment.




Can open an Individual Savings Account (ISA).




Can consent to all sexual activity.




Can buy cigarettes.




Can get a National Insurance number.




Can apply for your own passport, with parental consent.



Age seventeen






Can donate blood without parental consent.




Can hold a licence to drive a car.



Age eighteen






Cannot be adopted.




Can buy alcohol and drink in a bar.




Can join the armed forces without parental consent.




Can own land, buy a home, hold a tenancy or apply for a mortgage.




Are entitled to receive the minimum wage for 18-year-olds.




Can see a category 18 film at the cinema or rent or buy one.




Can join the Fire Service.




Can buy fireworks.




Can enter or work in a betting shop.




Can apply to change sex.




Can leave home without parental consent.




Can get married without parental consent.




Can join the police.




Can vote in general and local elections.




Can be tattooed.




Can apply for a passport without parental consent.



Age twenty-one






Can adopt a child.




Can become an MP, local councillor or mayor.


Abortion (#ulink_71d1e6dc-356e-5dc0-99d9-08cbdde219dc)

Can my daughter have a termination without my consent?

In the UK (although not in Northern Ireland) any girl can have a termination without telling her parents, as long as two doctors agree that she fully understands what is involved and that it is in her best interests. In a nutshell, doctors must agree that an abortion would cause less damage to a girl’s physical or mental health than continuing with the pregnancy. Most doctors feel that the distress of having to continue with an unwanted pregnancy is likely to be harmful to health.

All information, advice and services are confidential; however, if the doctors believe that she is at risk of harm in any way (as a result of sexual or emotional abuse, for example), they are obliged to involve social services – but not, interestingly, the girl’s parents. This applies until a girl reaches adulthood in the eyes of the law, which is currently eighteen years of age.

The implications of the government’s guidance in England mean that doctors and health practitioners are likely to be more concerned about young people under the age of thirteen who are having sex; these professionals may think it would be in the young person’s best interests to have some extra help from a social worker. In Northern Ireland this applies to young people under the age of fourteen. However, despite the fact that sex under the age of sixteen is illegal, girls can still have an abortion under this age without parental consent, and in full confidence.

Is abortion legal in Northern Ireland?

Abortion is legal in Northern Ireland in exceptional circumstances, but current guidance is unclear and many women in Northern Ireland find it difficult to obtain an abortion unless they travel to England.

Will her GP let me know if my daughter has a termination?

Your daughter has a right to full confidentiality. Even her GP may not be notified if she expresses a wish that the GP is not informed. You may, in fact, be the last person to know.

Most doctors do encourage young girls to discuss the matter with their parents – if only because the girl concerned needs to make an informed choice and may not realise that there are options within a supportive family unit. However, no one can force your daughter to tell you anything.

The most important thing any parent can do is to keep open the channels of communication with their daughters, to ensure that any problems can be successfully aired, without recrimination or blame. Your daughter will not involve you in situations where she thinks that she may be punished, or lose your love and acceptance. Termination is a traumatic, distressing intervention for many girls, and without support, their emotional health can be dramatically affected. What’s more, there is a medical risk to abortion procedures, and girls need to have follow-up treatment and may also require a course of antibiotics. This will need to be supervised, particularly in younger girls.

Is the situation the same in the US?

Only two states – Connecticut and Maine – and the District of Columbia have laws that allow girls under the age of eighteen to obtain an abortion on her own. In contrast, 31 states have laws that require the involvement of at least one parent in their daughter’s abortion decision; in 16 of these states, a minor must have the consent of one or both parents, and in the other 15 states, one or both parents must be notified prior to the abortion.

Almost all provide a confidential alternative to parental involvement in the form of a judicial bypass, in which a minor may obtain authorisation for an abortion from a judge without informing her parents.

Because terminating an unplanned pregnancy can have a significant long-term impact on a woman’s psychological and emotional well-being, US legislators believe that parental guidance is especially important. Strangely, however, more than half of the states that require parental involvement for abortion permit a pregnant minor to make the decision to continue her pregnancy and to consent to antenatal care and delivery without consulting a parent. In addition, states appear to consider a minor who is a parent to be fully competent to make major decisions affecting the health and future of his or her child, even though many of these same states require an under-age girl to involve her parents if she decides to terminate her pregnancy!

How old does a girl need to be to have a termination?

In England, Wales and Scotland a woman of any age can have an abortion (termination). In Jersey, abortion is only legal up to twelve weeks. She has no legal obligation to consult with her family or even the father of the unborn baby.

What is the situation in Europe?

In many European countries, girls must be sixteen years old to have an abortion. What’s more, the gestational age limit (the ‘age’ of the pregnancy) is twelve weeks, meaning that anyone under the age of sixteen and over twelve weeks’ pregnant will not be granted access to the procedure. Almost all countries in the EU require parental consent and a doctor’s approval.

What about Ireland?

In Ireland abortion is banned under most circumstances. However, the law does allow pregnant women to receive counselling and information about all their options. Girls then have a legal right to leave Ireland in order to have an abortion. Most women travel to England where it is legal to have an abortion up to 24 weeks into the pregnancy.

Is my daughter old enough to choose termination?

Legally, any girl in England, Wales and Scotland can have an abortion without her parents’ consent or approval, providing that doctors believe she has a full understanding of the decision, and that it would be in her best interests to do so.

However, if a girl under the age of sixteen does not want an abortion she cannot be forced to have one. In other words, the choice is your daughter’s alone, and she does not need to consult anyone apart from a doctor or clinic.

Is counselling offered beforehand?

In almost all cases, counselling is offered before abortion. This is, however, not obligatory. Counselling normally involves discussing the options open to the girl, as well as ensuring that she has all the information she needs to make an informed choice. Counselling is confidential and non-judgmental, and simply involves helping a young woman to reach a decision in a supportive environment.

While abortion is a personal choice, it is often affected by factors outside a girl’s control – for example, her family set-up, her relationship with her parents, finances, her relationship with the father, her age, her schooling, her aspirations, housing and emotions. It is undoubtedly true that few girls under the age of sixteen would have the emotional maturity to balance these factors and make a sound judgement. For this reason, it’s hugely important that parents are involved in the decision-making process.

Parents of girls should make it clear from early on that although pregnancy and under-aged sex is not advisable, you do wish to be involved if the situation arises.



TALKING TO GIRLS ABOUT ABORTION

The single most important thing you can do for your daughter is to listen. Abortion is not an easy decision to make at any age, and a young woman needs support. If you show displeasure or disappointment, or become upset or angry, your daughter will likely avoid confiding in you in future. The decision to have an abortion has many elements, but ultimately it is your daughter’s decision, and she needs to think it through.

What does my daughter have to consider?

There are many considerations – finances, education, living arrangements, her relationship with the father are all important. Some girls are idealistic and think having a baby will be fun and games without stopping to consider the reality of being responsible for another human being for the rest of that child’s life. Social life will be curtailed, and education will also be affected. Many young mothers go on to complete degrees or learn a trade, but it isn’t an easy option. Having a baby puts strain on even the strongest relationships, and this is significant if your daughter wants her child to grow up with a father around.

Can I object on moral grounds?

For moral, ethical or religious reasons, you may object to abortion; however, while it is important to put your views across in a calm and rational way, and to discuss them, it is important to remember that your daughter is the primary decision-maker and she has the right to choose what is best for her.

At least one in four women will have had an abortion by the age of forty-five and it is a safe procedure in almost all cases. Far fewer women under the age of sixteen have abortions than women over the age of forty. Studies show that very few girls and women use abortion as a form of contraception.

Does having an abortion lead to psychological problems?

Several studies have shown that having an abortion does not lead to psychological problems. Although women may regret having to have an abortion the vast majority find that they have no emotional problems after it. A small number – about three per cent – have long-term feelings of guilt and some of this number feel that the abortion was a mistake. But for these women the unwanted pregnancy was usually one of many problems in their lives, and these problems continued after the abortion. There is some evidence to suggest that for most of these women not having the abortion would not have improved their situation or might have made it worse.

What should I do?






Stay calm – your daughter will likely be frightened and shocked, and also worried about how you will react.




Avoid lecturing. While it is important to be honest about your feelings, your daughter has the right to be honest about hers too, and listening is crucial.




Chastisement is useless, the damage is done. Being supportive does not preclude being disappointed or unhappy. It’s fine to express your concerns and your feelings, but it is equally important to remember that this is not about you but about your daughter.




Don’t insist that she take a particular option; explain your reasoning for it.




Tell your teen what you think of each of the options available to her, and offer to go with her to look into each of the options so she can make informed decisions.




Be honest about the practicalities. If you are against abortion, but have no desire to help raise a baby, you have little room in your home and your finances are already stretched, there is no point in promising something that you have no possibility of fulfilling in order to sway her decision.



What should I not do?






Accuse your daughter of being stupid or promiscuous.




Threaten or force her to follow your decision.




Press for details of her sex life. If she’s pregnant, she’s obviously sexually active, and this is a private matter.




Ask her to leave the family home. Being homeless will only compound the problem, and leave your daughter without resources and support when she needs it most.




Lose your temper. Move on and make the best of the situation. Work together to ensure that it does not arise again.



Are there any support organisations?

Listed overleaf are several organisations that can offer support for both you and your daughter, and also provide information on the procedures available and the aftermath.

Family Planning Association

Information and advice on all aspects of sexual health.

Tel: 0845 310 1334

www.fpa.org.uk (http://www.fpa.org.uk)

Brook

Information, advice and guidance for young people under twenty-five on sex, relationships and contraception.

Tel: 0800 018 5023

www.brook.org.uk (http://www.brook.org.uk)

Youth Access

A national network of youth advice, information, support and counselling agencies.

www.youthaccess.org.uk (http://www.youthaccess.org.uk)

British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS)

Offers information and counselling for those considering abortion. It provides abortions for NHS and private patients.

Tel: 08457 304030

www.bpas.org (http://www.bpas.org)

Education For Choice

Information about pregnancy and abortion.

www.educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk (http://educationforchoice.blogspot.co.uk/)



My son’s girlfriend is pregnant and she wants a termination. What are his rights?

Your son does not have a legal right to decide whether or not his girlfriend should continue with or end her pregnancy. She is also under no obligation to tell him that she is pregnant, nor that she has had or is planning to have a termination. This can be very distressing for many young men, who may have strong ideas about the pregnancy and what is morally right. The organisations listed above can also help him to accept her decision, and to get support if required.


Alcohol (#ulink_b138d932-51cc-5031-8b22-706f31067138)

When can my son drink alcohol legally?

In the UK, the legal drinking age is eighteen. This means your son can purchase and drink alcohol without an ‘adult’ being present. If he’s sixteen, he can have beer, cider or wine in a restaurant or a pub with an area set aside for meals, as long as the alcohol is served with food and he is accompanied by an adult. The rules are different for consuming alcohol on private premises, in other words, your home (see page).

What happens in Europe?

European countries typically have a legal drinking ages of sixteen or eighteen. For example, in the Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland and Austria, you have to be sixteen to buy beer or wine and eighteen to buy distilled alcoholic beverages (spirits).

What happens in the US?

In the US, the legal age for purchase or possession (but not necessarily consumption) in every state has been twenty-one since the passage of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act in 1984. Many states specifically allow consumption under the age of twenty-one for religious or health reasons or with parental approval. In Canada, the legal drinking age is eighteen in the provinces of Alberta, Manitoba and Quebec, and nineteen elsewhere.

At what age is it safe for children to drink small amounts of alcohol (at a celebration, for example)?

In the UK, serving a child alcohol in your own home is legally allowed from age five, but not recommended for health reasons. For one thing, even a small quantity of alcohol impairs judgement, and very little is required to become ‘drunk’ at such a tender age. Moreover, many doctors recommend that children under eighteen should not drink alcohol at all, because their bodies are still developing – in particular, the liver, which breaks down alcohol, is not fully developed until the age of about twenty-one. This is also the age at which the hypothalamus, the part of the brain most affected by alcohol, matures. Drinking before this age increases the risk of addiction; in fact, studies show that countries that allow youth drinking have a much higher incidence of adult alcoholism.

Having said that, a thimbleful of wine or champagne at a family celebration is unlikely to do any long-term damage. It’s worth noting, too, that parents who adopt an open policy about alcohol use, and take the time to educate their kids about the potential dangers while offering supervision, are less likely to have children who drink subversively – and over drink! After all, a child is less likely to get ‘drunk’ while a parent is around and if alcohol is not regarded as a forbidden fruit, it’s less likely to tempt kids, particularly in periods of rebellion.

What are the recommended safe levels of consumption?

It is certainly worth bearing in mind the recommended safe levels of alcohol consumption for adults and be even more cautious where your children are concerned.

Experts advise that men drink no more than 21 units of alcohol per week and no more than four units in any one day. Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week and no more than three units in any one day. One unit of alcohol is equivalent to a small 25 ml measure of spirits, 125 ml glass of wine or half a pint of ordinary strength beer.

When can you take a child into the pub?

You can take your child to the pub from any age, but he must be supervised by someone over the age of eighteen. He will not be able to enter the ‘bar’ of a pub, unless it has a children’s certificate, and if it does have a certificate, he can only go into parts of licenced premises where alcohol is either sold but not drunk (for example, a sales point for consumption away from the pub), or drunk but not sold (for example, a garden or family room).

Between the ages of fourteen and fifteen, your child can go anywhere in a pub, as long as he is supervised by an adult, but he may not drink alcohol. After the age of sixteen your child can buy or be bought beer, wine or cider to drink with a meal, if he’s with an adult. Otherwise, it is against the law for anyone under eighteen to buy or drink alcohol in a pub.

Children cannot go to the pub alone until they are sixteen.

When can my child have a glass of wine with dinner?

Theoretically, you can serve a small amount of wine with dinner from the age of five, but for obvious reasons this is not ideal!

Having said that, many children begin to experiment with alcohol outside the home between the ages of ten and fourteen, and a 2006 survey found that nine out of ten teenagers drank alcohol by the age of fifteen. The average age for drinking a whole ‘drink’ is twelve and a half.

One survey, published by the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University, suggests that parents should teach their children to be sensible with alcohol by letting them have a glass of wine over dinner – from pre- to early teens. Researchers claim that teenagers who buy their own alcohol are more likely to be binge drinkers.

Professor Mark Bellis, who led the study, feels that parents should adopt a ‘Mediterranean approach’, where youngsters drink in moderation. He says sensible drinking is a ‘life skill’ and that ‘the ability to drink alcohol sensibly is not a gift people are born with but one that must be learnt’, confirming that ‘a Mediterranean approach to alcohol consumption, with food and with restraint, is unlikely to ever develop in the UK unless parents demonstrate such behaviours and help develop them in their children.’

My son wants alcohol served at his birthday party, because all his friends apparently serve drinks at their parties. He’s only sixteen. Is he old enough?

Drinking in a private home is acceptable from the age of five; indeed, it is legal for anyone over the age of five to drink alcohol. The age restrictions apply to purchasing (under eighteen years old) and location – on licensed premises or in alcohol-exclusion zones. So, theoretically, yes, you can legally serve alcohol at your son’s party.

There are, however, other factors to consider. The first is that you have a duty of care to children in your home – and if there is a problem with overdrinking or an accident caused by drinking, you may be held liable. What’s more, other parents may not actually have the same approach to teen drinking as you do, and will object to having their child served alcohol under the age of eighteen or outside their home.

If you feel comfortable with a small amount of alcohol being served, and the parents of his friends are in agreement, consider the following tips:






Make it clear to your child and his guests what is and is not allowed.




Act as barperson yourself, or ask another responsible adult to do so. Not every teenager is responsible or mature enough to make the right decisions about intake.




Limit what’s on offer – allowing, say, a beer or two per guest, or one or two glasses of wine or alcopop.




Don’t allow guests to bring drinks to the party (even soft drinks, as they may have been spiked with alcohol).




Offer plenty of non-alcoholic drinks so that kids don’t feel pressured to drink, and have an option when they’ve drunk their fill.




Make non-alcoholic drinks attractive and ‘fun’ if possible – a juice bar with plenty of ice, fruit, juices and fizzy drinks can make this option more appealing.




Avoid punches if you can – these are easily ‘spiked’ and it’s also harder to control who is drinking what.




Offer plenty of food alongside any drinks, to soak up the alcohol.




Make sure that all your young guests have a safe means of getting home.



How old does my daughter need to be in order to buy alcohol legally?

In the UK, your daughter can buy beer, wine or cider in a pub from the age of sixteen, as long as she has a meal alongside and is with an adult. She can purchase any type of alcohol from the age of eighteen, from any premises.

What is the law in Europe?

In Europe, legislation is much more relaxed. Most children will be served alcohol with meals in restaurants if they are accompanied by an adult; most parents serve alcohol at home with meals and at celebrations. The legal drinking age for purchasing alcohol and consuming it on licensed premises ranges from sixteen to twenty, with eighteen being the most common age limit.

What happens in the US?

Don’t expect to have a sniff of alcohol until you are at least twenty-one. Not only is it almost impossible to buy without an ID card stating your age, but there is a strong anti-alcohol ethos that encourages abstention until twenty-one.

How do I know if my son is drinking too much?

Unfortunately, binge-drinking is a part of today’s youth culture. It’s not social drinking as we know it, but more like an ‘extreme sport’ – where you drink until you pass out or vomit. Chances are that if your son is drinking, he may well be drinking too much. A few drinks a week may be acceptable for an older teenager or a little alcohol with meals, but his health (in particular his liver and brain) can be affected if he is drinking large quantities regularly. It is important that he learns moderation, and that you keep tabs on what is going on. Remember that most kids don’t worry about alcohol and its dangers, because it’s part of their culture, they see deaths or alcohol poisoning as freak accidents, and they think they are immortal.

If your child is drinking too much, it’s important that you talk to him (see page), to explain the risks and find out why he feels the need to drink excessively.



OBVIOUS SIGNS OF OVERDRINKING






Bloodshot eyes




Slurred speech, giddiness, dizziness




Unusual fatigue




Repeated health complaints




Personality change




Sudden mood changes




Irresponsible behaviour




Irritability




Poor judgement




Depression




General torpor or lack of interest




Argumentative




Withdrawing from the family




Secretiveness




Drop in grades




Absence at school




Truancy




Discipline problems




Changes to less conventional styles in dress and music




Sudden increase or decrease in appetite




Not coming home on time – or calling at the last minute to say they are staying elsewhere (they don’t want to be caught)




Not telling you where they are going




Constant excuses for behaviour




Spending a lot of time in their rooms




Lying about activities




Reduced memory and attention span



TIPS FOR KIDS

If your child has begun drinking, it’s worth giving him or her some advice about how to approach it in a sensible fashion. For example:






Don’t start drinking if you are angry, anxious or depressed. Alcohol can easily become a crutch.




Become aware of when you need to stop drinking – when your speech becomes slurred, when your memory is affected, when you find yourself being a little too open or brave, when you become dizzy or giddy.




If you drink too quickly it is impossible to monitor how intoxicated you are getting. Slow down and let the effects spread over a long enough period of time.




Eat when you drink whenever possible – it slows down the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream.




Remember that a true friend will never let a friend drink and drive or to drink dangerously. In other words, good friends look out for each other.




Remember the dangers of alcohol – drinking a small bottle of spirits (or the equivalent in wine or beer) over an hour or two gives you a one in two chance of dying, according to the Emergency Services.




Don’t allow anyone to bully or intimidate you into drinking too much – or binge-drinking. No one who really cares about you will do this.



Should I allow alcohol in my home if my kids are under age?

This is a similar question to allowing drinks for celebrations and a little wine with dinner. There is clear evidence that children who grow up accustomed to moderate, restrained drinking with meals are less likely to binge-drink or to develop alcohol problems in later life. Therefore, there is something to be said for giving them a regular taste of the ‘forbidden fruit’, in order to dispel its potential power. You must, however, ensure that your children are supervised at all times, and that the amount drunk is strictly regulated. One small glass of wine or beer with a meal is adequate until the age of fifteen.

Your children may have friends who bring alcohol to parties or get-togethers. Whether you choose to allow this is up to you and your personal family policy on under-aged drinking.

What are the legal implications?

If your child or anyone in your care is under the age of sixteen, you are responsible for their health and safety. A houseful of drunk teenagers can not only lead to tragedy, but to criminal prosecution. You are well within your rights, therefore, on a legal basis, to deny drinking in your home. If you do consent, it would be sensible to ask permission from the parents of any child who will be present.

When should I educate my children about alcohol?

Young people who have access to alcohol – drinking at parties, friends’ houses, in the park – quite often drink to get drunk. The number of teenagers trying drink in their early teens is growing, often influenced by peer pressure and the media. The worry for parents is that it can also be linked to risky teenage behaviour such as unprotected and early sex. Several studies indicate that kids regularly drink from about age twelve, so it’s worth discussing the dangers of alcohol with them well before that time. In reality, discussions about alcohol can be a part of family conversation from a very early age.

What is safe drinking?

When kids get older, you can give them tips on safe drinking (seepage), and also explain the effects of alcohol. Kids like facts because they can spout them when they feel cornered by peers.

Top tips






Talk openly about the potential dangers – from health to safety – in a practical way so they don’t tune out.




Remember your own behaviour will influence them. Be honest about the reasons why you or people in general like drinking as well as the negatives of alcohol.




Talk about how they may feel or what they may do under pressure – whether it is deciding what they do if they are offered a drink, or if a friend offers them a lift home after drinking.




Encourage your child to stick to lower-strength brands and not to drink too quickly.




Agree rules on parties and be around if your child has a party at home.




Make sure your child has a way of getting home safely at night.




Be wary of late-night changes of plan (staying at a friend’s at the last minute) – chances are your child is hiding something. Try to avoid this type of secretiveness.




Make them aware of the danger of drink-spiking and not putting themselves in vulnerable situations. Encourage your children and their friends to look out for each other.




Explore how alcohol affects people in different ways, and how it can make some people aggressive and up for a fight. Talk through ways of keeping safe and walking away from trouble.




Encourage your teenager to make sensible choices, by stressing the health risks involved rather than laying down the law or giving ultimatums.


Armed forces (#ulink_d2864996-a430-5fe3-bd53-5b32bb6a9334)

When can my son join the Army?

The UK’s armed forces (the Army, Royal Navy, Royal Air Force and Royal Marines) recruit school leavers from the age of sixteen, and they can be used on operations from the age of seventeen, the limit under current international conventions. You can apply to join the Royal Navy at fifteen years and nine months. Entry age and qualifications differ according to the branch of the service your child wishes to join. For example, your child can join any of the armed forces at sixteen, but if he or she wishes to join as an officer, they usually have to wait another year or so – seventeen and six months for the Air Force, and seventeen and nine months for the Army.

The armed forces can offer a multitude of career opportunities for young people, and not all of it involves work on the front lines. Nevertheless, it does entail a commitment, and your child must be prepared for some fairly hard graft and to show respect for authority if he or she wishes to join. All of the armed forces have a minimum period of service before you are allowed to leave. For example, if your son or daughter joins the army and doesn’t like it, they can’t leave within the first 28 days. After this, they can leave on 28 days’ notice at any time during the first six months (or if over the age of eighteen, during the first three months). Thereafter, your son or daughter must serve four years.

What is the Territorial Army?

A good way to experience the Army without making a full commitment is to join the Territorial Army (TA), which is a reserve force of civilians who undertake soldier training and fulfil operational support on a part-time basis.

For more information on what’s involved and the various careers available, visit www.armyjobs.mod.uk (http://www.armyjobs.mod.uk) or ring 0845 7300 111.



WHAT IS THE ARMY CADET FORCE (ACF)?

The ACF is a 40,000 strong organisation designed to give young people of both sexes (between the ages of thirteen and eighteen), a taste of what the Army can offer. It has bases all over the UK and, a little like the Scout and Guide Associations, is run by volunteer instructors.



Can my son join the Army without my permission?

Your son will need permission to join any part of the armed forces, including those that are part-time and/or volunteer, until he is eighteen. At this age, he can join anything without parental consent.





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